Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

'Tonight on Would I Lie To You...

'three golds in succession, Sir Chris Hoy!

'Making an impression, Ronni Ancona!

'And their team captain, David Mitchell!'

CHEERING

'And facing them tonight, sports fan Gabby Logan!

'Yes man, Danny Wallace!

'And their team captain, Lee Mack!

'And here's your host, Rob Brydon.'

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show that rewards the ability to deceive.

In medieval English courts, the truth was tested by ordeals of fire

and water on the basis a truthful person would be protected by God,

who would then let them live a long and fruitful life until they died of syphilis, aged 22.

When asked if lying is justified, a staggering

73% of university students simply copied their answer from Wikipedia.

And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out

a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sift the fact from the fiction.

So, Chris, you're first up.

Please reveal all.

I have been approached by NASA to be the first man to cycle on the moon.

Lee's team?

My first instinct is why? Because, obviously, you can't

go that fast on the moon, so it would be a waste of your talents.

They may as well take you, Lee, with all respect.

And I'm imagining that your insurance is a lot higher than YOUR insurance.

Gabby, why are you so convinced that it was Lee and Chris that got down to the last two?

Anyway, when, when?

It was straight after Beijing, about two weeks after.

-I had numerous requests and I had emails from all kinds of different people.

-Why did they wait two weeks?

-Lee said no.

-Not straightaway.

I thought about it for a couple of weeks.

I think I can sort this out.

It's quite a bold claim you're making there, Chris.

Tell me, is it true?

APPLAUSE

-Course it's true.

-Oh, very good. Very good, yes.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa...

-He might be lying.

-He might be lying.

-He might be lying.

-Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

-Yeah. Did they explain why it's crucial

to the future of space exploration to have you moving very slowly on a bike?

He wouldn't move slowly! Not with his stabilisers, he wouldn't.

-I forgot about the stabilisers.

-There would haven't been any difference whether it's fast or not.

It's about the fact there was gonna be a bicycle on the moon, the first bicycle on the moon.

And could you be arsed?

-Could I be...?

-Bothered?

If it had been possible, then yes.

-It turned out it wasn't possible to do it.

-Why?

Because you can't fly a rocket.

How long would this whole trip have taken?

There's so many safety procedures, and you have to go through specific medical checks and all this stuff...

-You thought it was too much hassle.

-They were saying it was going be like two weeks of stuff just here.

-That was one of the big issues for it not happening.

-Because of the time?

-Because it would take two weeks to do that?

-Well, yeah...

A minute ago, my friend, you said, when I put the question to you, "Could you be bothered?"

you said, "Yes, I would have done it."

-I would have...

-And then because it was two weeks out of your schedule to go to the moon, to do something

no-one else had ever done, suddenly you couldn't be bothered.

-Well, when I say

-I

-couldn't be bothered, it was pretty much down to the Federation.

-There's quite strict guidelines in terms of what you can do, what you can't do.

-You can't go to the moon?

-That's mentioned then?

-That's the first thing.

-Clause one.

-You must train all the time, no drugs and, by the way, new one, no going to the moon.

Is this an ordinary bicycle they asked you to do it on?

Nah, it would have been a special bike. Off-road tyres, for a start...

-Off-road tyres?!

-Moon tyres.

-Cos there's not many roads on the moon or tracks.

My gut is saying that he would have been

approached to do this, because people jump on the bandwagon, don't they?

The thing is, right, you have to, er... I've seen people go to the moon on the telly, right?

And they wear space costumes with helmets like goldfish bowls.

-That's true.

-Right? So he'd have to wear this costume, like that, and he'd be sat on...

what he's admitted himself is a reasonably ordinary bike with slightly wider tyres.

It would be like Eamonn Holmes riding a tricycle.

-So is he telling the truth, Lee?

-It costs a lot to put a man on the moon, doesn't it?

-And a bike.

-And a bike.

-It does when you put it on British Rail. You have to pay two quid for the bike.

-I'm going to say lie then. What are you gonna...?

-I'm going to go with my team.

-Lie.

-If they say it's a lie, we'll say a lie then.

-You're saying lie? OK.

-Sir Chris Hoy? It is a lie?

-It...

Lie.

It was a lie.

Chris hasn't been approached by NASA to cycle on the moon.

Although he has cycled through the lobby of a Travelodge, so has

experience of pedalling somewhere hostile with no atmosphere.

Gabby Logan, you're next.

When I present a show for the first time, I like to wear red underwear.

Oh...

-David's team, what do you think?

-People were genuinely moved by that.

Why?

Red is a colour synonymous with luck and fortune,

with the Chinese anyway, and I...

Chris, you must know what superstitions...

-I don't follow superstitions.

-You should - you'd be really good then.

The Chinese... This Chinese thing with red...

none of you looked like you had any recognition of that. I thought this was quite well-known.

No, I associate red with sort of Communism

and the colour bits of the map were painted during the glory days of the British Empire.

The Chinese do get married in red, don't they?

But you're not Chinese. Why do you find the need to go for a Chinese custom?

Yeah, what's wrong with OUR luck?

What's wrong with a nice horseshoe or something? You have to go for Chinese luck.

That's better luck. Alternative luck.

Nothing wrong with good, conventional luck. An operation, not acupuncture!

I'm not sure if there are actually any colours synonymous with luck in the UK. I'm not really sure.

Why don't you stick two magpies in your bra?

You could go, "Bad luck. Oh, stroke of luck!"

I do actually say, if I see one magpie, I say, "Hello, Mr Magpie, how's your partner?"

-Cos you have to say "partner". You can't say "wife" or "husband".

-Right...

That would be assuming that they have a heterosexual relationship.

So a magpie...

It's political correctness gone mad!

-David, what do you reckon?

-Erm...

It's very hard. I'm a very indecisive person, as you know, Rob.

I don't... It's very...

Hang on a minute.

"As you know, Rob."

That makes it sound like I'm always coming on to you, and you're always saying,

"I can't make my mind up."

-What do you think?

-Well, it's a difficult one.

-You're the captain, come on.

-It's your choice.

-You want me to show leadership.

Oh, Christ!

Imagine if he'd been on your Olympic training team.

"I can't get it to win!" "Well, just try cycling quicker. I don't know. I can't..."

-You're saying it's...

-I'm saying true.

-You're saying it's...

-I think it's a lie, but...

-On balance, I think it's a lie, so I'm going to say lie.

-You're saying that your team consider it a lie.

Gabby Logan, is it a lie or is it the truth?

It is...the truth.

Oh! Sorry.

Yes, it's true. When Gabby presents a show for the first time, she does like to wear red underwear.

Actually, when I'm presenting, I like to wear my lucky pants.

I've had them for ten years and I'm sticking to them.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Danny, your turn.

All right. Here we go.

Whenever someone recognises me but can't place me,

I tell them I'm part of the Olympic cycling team.

-David's team, what do you think?

-So, er, why do you do that, other then, you know, hilariousness?

Well, it's kind of that thing where people come up to you and they think

they might know you, but I'm not one of those really well-known faces,

so you have to come up with something and you come up with something sort of vaguely plausible.

For example, "I'm the comedian Danny Wallace."

But then it's quite awkward if they say, "I don't know what that means, to be honest."

I have had different things in the past. Someone asked me if I was Danny Glover.

That was quite awkward.

That's true, yeah. And I had to say, "What, the black American film star of the Lethal Weapon series?"

And they said, "Yes." And I went, "Yes, I am."

-All I'm saying is, I get confused for other people.

-Right.

And sometimes it's nice to send them on their way thinking, "Oh, yeah, that is that guy."

So which of the British cycling team do you pretend to be?

I pretend to be Danny Wallace of the...

Presumably, you must know a bit about cycling in order

to bluff your way in case they say, "Oh, that's interesting.

"What event do you do?"

-He knows the basics, like it wouldn't work on the moon.

-Yeah, exactly.

Unlike some of us, Chris, yes.

To be fair, Danny has got the haircut of a man who's just ridden on a bicycle.

-Backwards through a hedge on the moon.

-What if they ask you, "Do you shave your legs?"

-It's never really gone that far.

-From where you're sitting, can you see Chris's thighs?

Cos from where I'm sitting, they are massive!

Seriously, have you ever been able to put your legs together?

I don't want to insult your legs, per se, Danny, it's just that if you

are an Olympic champion cycling, then that is going to have some notable affect on your physique.

Let's not forget, I'm not actually on the Olympic cycling team.

So you can't really go, "Well, your legs aren't big enough for a start and also you don't shave them."

-I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie, because...

-I think it's a lie.

Yes. Why not just say who you are?!

It just comes down to Danny's impish sense of fun.

-I think we all think it's a lie.

-You all think it's a lie, OK? ..So, Danny Wallace, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

Yes.

As we suspected, it's a lie.

I could have been part of the Olympic cycling team if it hadn't

been for my lack of training, determination, fitness

and bike.

Our next round is called the Ring Of Truth, in which I read out some amazing celebrity facts and

all our teams have to do is decide whether they're true or not. So, David's team, take a look at this.

Can I have two people from the audience, please?

I'm going to perform the world's greatest escape.

Please check the bag.

Check the bag to see if there's any trap doors.

MUSIC PLAYS

I have to say, if the British police want to crack down on knife crime,

I think the first person they should search is Keith Chegwin.

That's a good point, cos that doesn't look like a very dangerous trick,

but that will have been during Keith's drinking phase. Coming at you with a pair of scissors.

I think if anyone that drunk comes that close to me with a knife, I'd be glad to be in a bag.

Here's the related fact then for David's team.

LAUGHTER

I think we all know that has got nothing to do with testicles or anything, so there's

no need for people to be tittering away about that sort of thing.

-I think this is true.

-He wouldn't have the time on his hands to practise magic.

-He's got such an important job.

-This was in 1975, David.

-All the things he's got to do in his day.

He's got to talk about the buildings and make all the biscuits.

And then...

I suppose he'd probably find a bit of time.

-I've met him twice and he said the same thing to me twice two years apart.

-What did he say?

He spent ages talking to somebody.

It was a line-up thing, and he was talking to the person next to me for about 20 minutes.

And he got to me and he went, "Erm, do you know him?"

It's eminently possible. You know, he's got a lot of time to piss away.

I mean, look at him. At least it keeps him off the sauce.

You're saying it's true? Erm, well, let me surprise you by telling you that it is true.

Prince Charles did become a member of the Magic Circle

after auditioning with his cup and balls trick.

In fact, Charles still practises magic and regularly makes his crown jewels disappear inside a horse box.

I'm doing it with charm and a cheeky grin.

Lee's team, take a look at this.

The automatic public convenience, commonly known as a super-loo, plays music,

is centrally heated and washes itself out after it's been used.

Tramps try to use them for a night's sleep.

Prostitutes use them for their business.

They're in there for 15 minutes and then it's all over.

The door opens automatically after 15 minutes.

Homosexuals use them.

People leave shopping bags in there, wallets, their briefcase.

Anything at all. Anything you can think of carrying

with you in the day, you'll usually find in the lavatory sooner or later.

I know the Bee Gees haven't done much recently,

but is Robin Gibb a toilet attendant?

Here is the related fact then for Lee's team.

It isn't just a loo. It is a proper, downstairs bathroom. There is a bath in there as well.

Well, Gary Barlow strikes me as no-nonsense, salt of the earth, you know, common sense...

I trust him. I trust Gary Barlow. He seems to be...in his pursuit for excellence with the noble ballad...

putting lots of electrical equipment in a bathroom so that his loved ones risk their lives for his art.

-I don't think Gary Barlow would do that.

-Yeah...

-Yes, it's a bit like having a toaster in the bathroom cos it's where you get peckish.

-Yeah!

Now that I would believe about Gary Barlow. Has anyone met Gary Barlow?

I have. I met him when I did Top Of The Pops.

He was very, very calm.

He talks like Ringo Starr now.

"Hello, I'm Gary Barlow."

What do you reckon? Is it true?

-What is your gut saying?

-It said no. That it's a lie.

-I'll go with that.

-Your tummy tells you it's...

-Yeah, lie.

-My team say it's a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie?

-I am.

-It's actually a lie.

Gary's biggest number one was Back For Good.

He's biggest number two was backstage at the Sheffield Arena after a prawn madras.

Which means, at the end of that round, it's Lee's team in the lead by four points to two.

Our next round is called This Is Mine,

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.

And it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Sylvan.

APPLAUSE

So, Ronni Ancona, what is Sylvan to you?

This is Sylvan, and he designed a household robot that speaks with my voice.

All right. Chris?

This is Sylvan, and he is my masseur and he was also the guitarist in Simply Red.

Right. All right. And finally, David.

This is Sylvan, and he's my next-door neighbour, and I've promised I'd get him on TV...

..after he complained about an all-night party in my flat.

So there we have it.

-Lee, where would you like to start?

-Well, I sort of remember a bit about Simply Red.

Do you remember him in Simply Red?

Er, he was lot more ginger.

Was he the guitar player, did you say?

-The guitarist, yeah.

-Lead guitar or bass guitar?

I wasn't a big fan of Simply Red at the time. No offence to Sylvan.

I'm just curious though how you go from being a really good guitarist to, I'm sure, a really good masseur.

It is a really good point, Gabby, but you don't spend ten years of your life, you know...

And it's high up, cos that's how they did it in Simply Red.

They did all that. Maybe he did that playing the bass.

He got his fingers against his muscles and he thought, "I'm quite good at this."

"Anyone seen any cyclists. I've got an idea."

David, on average,

how often would you say you, David Mitchell,

throw all-night parties?

-Once every...

-Just like a ballpark figure.

14.7 years.

So talk us through what happened. A knock on the door, I'm assuming.

Knock on the door, and I hang onto the door, and Sylvan said,

"Can you please make a bit less noise, I'm trying to sleep?" At which point I felt very guilty.

I said, "Yes." We made a bit less noise.

What were you celebrating? Your highest score at Scrabble? What was it all about?

It was after an awards do.

-And you just went, "Everyone back to mine"?

-Not every... It's was about sort of eight people.

-Eight?!

-OK. What about Ronni?

What do these robots look like and what will they do when eventually they are developed?

To be honest, I actually haven't seen one.

I was employed sort of as a voice-over artist.

-Do it.

-What, do the voice?

-Mm.

-Do the voice of the robot, yeah.

-I recorded a whole load of stock phrases.

-Give us some. Give us some stock phrases now.

OK.

-My task is complete.

-OK.

-What do you want me to do now?

-Let's stay on that one.

-Any others?

-No, master, sexual acts are forbidden.

When you say it, David, I feel like I've just been turned down by C-3PO.

This is really, really plausible.

It's certainly more plausible than David having an all-night party.

-Yeah.

-OK, are we going to make a decision?

Can we just have a quick look at Sylvan's hands?

-Those are his hands.

-Ah.

-They are nice...

-Actually, that was a good clue, because if he hadn't have had any hands, that would have...

The robot invention thing, but not David's, cos... Well, actually, he knocked on the door.

Banged his head.

-"Can you keep the noise down?"

-I think Gabby's cracked it. A masseur needs good, strong hands.

Bass player needs good, strong hands. I'm with Logan.

-I think we're erring towards Chris then, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-What are you gonna say?

-We'll go with Chris.

OK, Sylvan, would you like to reveal your true identity?

I am Chris Hoy's masseur

-and I used to be in Simply Red.

-Wow!

APPLAUSE

I have a little knot here. Could you just...?

Just come and have a little go. Put some effort into it, man! Don't just lean over.

God, David could have done that. ..Don't!

-So thank you very much indeed.

-Thanks.

-Congratulations.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie, not only through their teeth, but also against the clock.

Now, David's team are currently behind, so they need to pull their finger out. Starting with...

It's Lee.

I can't eat custard creams, because they remind me of Spencer Whitfield who bullied me at school.

-David?

-What did Spencer Whitfield do to you?

He pinned me down with his mates and he force-fed me custard creams.

Why not just beat you up? Why did they want to feed you custard creams? Did you look thin?

The kind of lessons we had, believe it or not, in secondary school...

"Right, we'll go round the class and you've all got to tell us your favourite biscuit.

-"One you like, one you hate."

-What subject was this?

-It was home economics and, er...

-Did you do A Level home economics?

-No, I didn't do A Levels, obviously. Look at me.

What do you think the effect of A Levels on the face are?

-See, I haven't got the scars of A Levels.

-The type of school you went to, if you were a boy,

you couldn't do home economics. You would have been doing woodwork.

Yeah? No, I think you're mixing me up with the film Kes.

Where it was a choice between kestrels and coal.

I was allowed to choose home economics...

Why did you choose that subject above kestrels or coal?

Genuinely, I thought it was about money.

I thought I'd learn how to use money in a sensible way.

I got in there, and it was full of the kids that wanted to do cooking and needlecraft.

Who were big bullies.

APPLAUSE

-So, David, what are you going to say?

-I don't think it's true really.

-No.

-You're pretty set on...

-We're saying it's a lie.

-On it being a lie? OK, fair enough.

Erm, Lee, is it true or is it a lie?

It's a lie.

-All right.

-Next.

David.

The only concert I have ever been to was by Shirley Bassey.

-And where was that?

-It was at the bit of Wembley that's not a football stadium,

-but is, nevertheless, a very large room.

-The tube station?

-No, I think the Arena.

-The Arena? And who did you go with?

I went with a friend of mine

called John.

And what period was this?

It was the 18th century.

I think about seven or eight years ago.

Was she surprisingly good?

She was pretty good.

She was incredibly loud.

-You don't expect that, do you, at a concert?

-Can you remember any of the songs she sang?

I think she sung...I think she sung all the...like Goldfinger...

She definitely sung Diamonds Are Forever as well.

I can't help thinking you know nothing about Shirley Bassey,

but you've watched a lot of James Bond films.

I can't believe that you've never been to a classical concert.

OK.

So what do you think, Lee? It's a curious one.

Well, I don't know. I can believe... David doesn't strike me as the type of person that...

-Would go to loads of gigs.

-Yeah. So it is possible that he's not been to a concert before.

-It's a lie.

-Yeah.

-What do you think, Gabby?

He's very clever though, isn't he?

Well, he's not THAT clever. I mean...

It's all a facade. I'M actually the clever one. This is an act.

When we go backstage, I'm like, "David, marvellous performance,"

and he's like, "Ah, they fell for it again."

-So we're saying...?

-I think, like you...

Aha...

-It's a lie.

-Well, my team say it's a lie, so we'll say that is indeed a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. ..OK, David, is it true?

It is true.

APPLAUSE

Next.

It's...Gabby.

I have a possession.

Ah, right, then take out the box underneath.

That's it. Pop it on the desk.

These are some of the birthday cards that I've posted to my pets.

OK.

Without looking at the cards, can you tell us who the pets are?

These are all sent to Sidney.

No, hang on a second. That's to Jodie.

-Who is Sidney?

-Sidney's the dog.

Right. Jodie...?

Jodie Marsh, lives in basket under her bed.

-Jodie's a rabbit.

-Have you always had pets?

Ever since I was a small child.

My mum actually ran over a cat once.

So we weren't allowed cats after that, but my...

Was she afraid that the cat community would take their revenge?

-Can we have a look at the cards?

-No, you can't! No, no, no.

You can look at them if you want to.

-Chris, would you get them so we can all enjoy your thighs?

-Thank you.

-Walk across the stage.

-You can't read them...

-Look at the thighs.

-You can take them...

-No, you can't!

-Yes, he can.

-No, you can't!

Touch those cards and you'll be cycling on the other side of your face.

The rules of the game say you can't.

If you think that's going to stop me, you are so mistaken.

-Give 'em over. Hand 'em over.

-Gabby, hold onto your principles.

-I can't find them!

-Cards now.

Thank you. Now, it's a shame we had to do that, wasn't it?

We might as well now we've... Well, this one is to Michael.

Is that a pet name for Jodie or Sidney?

I don't know. Sort of in a way it's less trivial than the pet's own name.

-This is to Sherbert.

-Why is this one to Sherbert?

Because Sidney's real pedigree name is Sherbert Arundi Grungefeld.

-Really? Why didn't you mention that?

-Sherbert Arundi...

-Grungefeld.

-That's his official name?

Sidney is a nickname and in an official birthday card you use a shortening of the official name?

No...

Who's Michael?

Michael...

OK, look...

No, Jodie the rabbit does this dance where she goes, "Ooh!"

And we said, "She's looks like Michael Jackson."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What are you going to say?

It's a difficult one.

I just...

It's got to be a lie. Surely.

-Sorry, we've got to go for a lie.

-You're saying lie.

-Yes.

-OK.

Gabby, were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?

I was telling...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Oh, and that noise signals time's up.

It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team have five

points and Lee's team have five points. It's a draw!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is...Gabby Logan.

An incredible result for Gabby, whose eighth place in the rhythmic gymnastics

at the 1990 Auckland Commonwealth Games suddenly pales into insignificance.

Good night!

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