Episode 8 Would I Lie to You?

Tonight, on Would I Lie To You...

made to measure, Trinny Woodall,

comedy treasure, Reece Shearsmith

and their team captain, David Mitchell!

And facing them tonight,

fresh from the West End, Michael Ball,

TV's best friend, Charlie Brooker

and their team captain, Lee Mack!

And your host, Rob Brydon!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome along to Would I Lie To You? the show all about lies and lying.

Now, according to research, the most common lies are about affairs and money.

So men, if you do spend the night with another woman,

don't make things worse by lying to your wife about how much it cost!

When you give someone a fake smile,

you don't use the same set of muscles as when you smile at them genuinely.

It's easy to tell the difference.

A genuine smile is the one you get from your dear old mum

as you walk up the path to the care home on a Sunday afternoon.

A fake smile is the one you give her back!

So, to round one, Home Truths, where our panellists take it in turns

to read out a statement from the card in front of them

and to make it difficult, they haven't seen the card yet,

so they don't know if it contains a truth

or a terrible lie that we've made up for them.

-Michael Ball is first up.

-Oh, great!

-Michael, what would you like to tell us?

-Thank you.

I have a three-part ritual I have to adhere to before I go on stage.

-David's team, how true is this?

-OK, what are the three parts?

Firstly, there's a sweet that I have to have before I feel comfortable.

-A sweet?

-A sweet.

-Part two?

-Part two is...

We may have to hurry you!

-Is putting on a spray, spraying me, so I smell nice.

-Insecticide?

-I smell nice for the ladies and gentlemen.

-What spray?

Madame Rochas, because I play... I'm in Hairspray

and she's a woman, and so I bought that.

-So it's a recent thing since you were in Hairspray?

-It depends.

-It's themed?

-A different smell for everything I do.

-What did you do when you were in Cats?

LAUGHTER

-I didn't do Cats.

-What's the third part?

-And the third part, tapping.

-Tapping.

-What do you tap?

-Tapping, parts of my body.

-I don't think we need to go any further!

-Can you demonstrate?

-Yes. You go...there...

-and then you go there... and, your hands, right.

-Right, tapping your hands, yeah?

Well, there we are.

There are lots of people around like Michael who need your help.

Please send what you can. David's team, what do you think?

This thing about tapping, I know about it

and you started doing it correctly and then you stopped.

I thought, "Are you giving too much away if you continue tapping correctly?"

But you need to do this. This is where doctors do it.

If you have a lung disease!

To be fair, Reecy, he's never claimed to be a doctor, I think.

Well, there is the once, but...

Just to get you to the next stage.

There can't be a perfume for every character.

I wouldn't have thought so.

-But...

-You said that!

-For this character.

-Madame Rochas, whatever you called yourself.

-Is it real?

-Yeah, but not Hairspray. I would associate Charlie or something with Hairspray.

He does that, as well!

That was in the old days!

-My feeling is that it's a lie, at the moment.

-I think he's telling the truth.

-Drifting to a lie?

-When pushed, he was too vague.

Well, it's 2-1. We reckon it's a lie.

A lie? Michael, what is the answer?

It is, in fact...

the truth.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Michael has a three-part ritual he carries out before going on stage.

Trinny, you're next.

Marks & Spencer's mannequins are based on my body.

Just the female ones?

How did this work? Did they have a mould of your body?

What you do is, you do a, um, like, a plaster of Paris on your body.

Hang on. Say this really slowly.

-A man takes this gunk...

-Phwoar!

-..and he...

-Why did they want you?

-I used to model.

Is it the head, as well, or just the body?

No, the body but, yeah...

-They didn't do your head?

-No, they did, but it was...

They decided you'd be the right body to advertise,

but, "We don't want the face!"

Did you look different...? Were they're going,

"We'll go with the body." "What's wrong with the face?"

I had acne, actually, I had very bad acne.

Could have sanded it down.

Not you - the model! I mean, the model.

They cast the face and then they get a bit of, like, grade 2 and just shave off the acne!

-What?

-Does it hurt when they peel it off?

Is it like when you pull a plaster off quickly? Is it...?

Before they put on the plaster, you're wrapped in Saran Wrap.

You'd get all...the lumps, wouldn't you?

No, you don't. I've had it done a few times.

You do, well, you think about it. I had it for a show called The Woman In White.

It would all buckle and if you pour something in on that, you'd get all the lines on it.

You could just sand it off, like the acne.

-So, Lee, what do you think?

-Why I don't think it's true

is that surely mannequins come in different sizes, cos otherwise...

-No.

-No?

-No. Clothes come in different sizes.

They put the right size on the mannequin to make them look as attractive as they can.

I love boys discussing fashion!

-Wait, you...

-Oh, Charlie's off!

-You got cast before, didn't you?

You were cast for a big set of fake breasts

for a show, weren't you?

-No! That wasn't me!

-He was talking to David!

I'm sure you got prosthetic breasts for a show.

-In your fantasy, darling.

-Maybe I did dream that.

-We think that that's a lie.

-OK. Is it fact or fiction?

It is a lie.

Marks & Spencer mannequins are not based on Trinny's body, but it's true, isn't it,

that Susannah did provide the inspiration for their large sacks of potatoes?

Reece, your turn to confess.

For a summer, I worked at a funeral director's that offered themed funerals.

What's a "themed" funeral? Give us an example of a theme.

Well, you can have a medieval one.

How does a medieval funeral work?

You have it when you're 26.

Well, there was a king and queen.

-Right.

-Obviously.

Who were the king and queen?

The departed person?

-The nearest to the deceased.

-They dress up?

-Yes, yes, they dress up.

-Oh, I see.

So it's not just the dead person - everyone's into medieval stuff?

The alive are dressed up and the dead person's dead.

-Because you're too upset?

-Medieval. Can you give me three others?

-There was a Valentine's Day Massacre one.

-Oh, come on!

-It's true!

-What did that tell us?

Was it called Valentine's Day Massacre?

It was called the Blue Parrot.

-What?

-Well, the Blue Parrot

is the name of the supposed club that all the people...

They all believe in it now. Look at that!

The St Valentine's Day Massacre was an atrocity.

A funeral is depressing enough.

Why would you want to make it more depressing?

Not me. It was on the list.

What was beyond the pale?

If I came and said I want a cannibal-themed funeral?

There was one who came and wanted all the people to be serial killers.

I dread to think...

I've just realised... I genuinely thought you said Cannon and Ball!

What are you talking about?

He's dead!

He is dead!

Ever get a point where there was a regular funeral

going on at the same time and they were slightly upset

to look over and see people in zany It's A Knockout costumes,

-burning a corpse into the ground?

-It was only ever a crematorium.

It wasn't ever burials, so it was quite private.

What if they said before it, "He was a big fan of Bonfire Night.

"Can you stuff it with fireworks, Catherine wheels, the lot?" When it goes behind the curtain,

pow-pow-pow, pin the coffin to the wall and watch it spin round as the flames spew out.

So, Lee, what are you saying?

I'm getting genuinely annoyed by this because I know we've got to say it's a lie,

cos if we say true and it's a lie, everyone is gonna be going, "How can that possibly be true?"

-There's a massive voice going, "It's true".

-I know what you're saying.

-Really?

Yeah, there is.

I've just been to a Valentine's Day Massacre?!

-I know it sounds ludicrous.

-Lee Mack, make a decision.

-Common sense?

-Yeah, it's a lie. Let's not look stupid.

All right, it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie? OK, Reece, fact or fiction?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

It is, indeed, a lie. Reece didn't used to work at a funeral director's that offered themed funerals.

I plan to put my ashes, while still hot,

in a council wheelie bin. That'll show 'em!

LAUGHTER

Charlie Brooker, you're up next.

For six years, I pretended to a girlfriend that I was partially deaf.

Seems reasonable enough. David's team, what do you think?

After how many years of going out did this start?

Um... Shamefully quickly.

Was it by pretending that you clinched the deal early on?

Are you saying I have to use pity to attract people?

I'm saying you MIGHT have used pity!

I'm not above it!

Did she have a very irritating habit that precipitated your going deaf?

Yes, talking.

She was talking about something that was very important, some emotional thing.

And she said, "You weren't listening to me"

and got very upset, started crying and so I thought, "I'll lie and tell her I'm deaf in one ear".

Which I did.

And at that point, what you're saying to her is,

"I didn't hear anything because I'm deaf.

"I thought we were sitting in silence."

Is that what I thought was happening?

No, I had my attention taken up with something else and I said it apologetically.

After stroking his guide dog!

That's what he called it, anyway!

-Did you elaborate on why you were deaf in the ear after...?

-Yeah.

What was your reason?

I said that when I was a child I had nearly drowned when I was four

in the swimming pool and this had left me deaf in one ear.

I tried shaking my head and I felt quite bad, because I told the lie early on then I had to maintain it.

So did you tell her ever, after the six years,

-or did the relationship just break up and you never told her?

-I never told her.

-Right.

I didn't tell her, I told... I wrote about it in a newspaper column!

-That's nice!

-She's a Geordie, they're robust!

To be fair, that adds credence to the fact that he didn't want to hear her.

I'm just trying to put myself in the position of that woman!

Six years, you've lied, you've lied to me!

-It's not a big lie!

-It's quite a big lie.

You'd be surprised how often it doesn't come up!

The advantage is, after telling that lie,

half the times it comes up, you pretend you haven't heard!

LAUGHTER

-So, what do you think?

-So, you think it's...?

-A lie.

-Do you think it's a lie?

-Horrifically, I think it's true!

-True.

You think it's true? Charlie, is it truth or lie?

It's, er, it's true.

APPLAUSE

Everything that you just told us is true?

Yes, I'm afraid it is. And it was, such a burden!

ALL: Oh, poor you!

The first time I introduced her to my parents,

we're going to meet them and I suddenly thought,

"God, she's gonna mention the..." and so I had to say,

"Don't bring it up. My mother blames herself."

LAUGHTER

I didn't wanna lose her.

I was desperate, having told this terrible lie, I was locked into it.

I daren't tell her...

Can't you see, the fact that you found that moving?

You cold-hearted monsters!

I'm not having this!

You can't call us "cold-hearted".

You've lived...

People make mistakes, David!

Yes, and for which they must be punished!

LAUGHTER

Yes, it's amazingly true.

Charlie did pretend to a girlfriend for six cruel years that he was partially deaf.

Ironically, like all his other girlfriends, she was partially sighted.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called The Ring Of Truth.

I'll be offering the teams some bizarre celebrity facts,

but are they true

or did we get them from Wikipedia(?)

LAUGHTER

Lee's team, take a look at this clip.

We do a bigger one for the trucker, for the actual really hungry person,

which consists of a steak and kidney pie,

beans, tomatoes, chips, mushrooms, fried potatoes,

two thick bread and butter and it comes up heaped up on the plate,

like egg and chips, bacon and chips, sausage and chips, corned beef and chips -

everything what goes with chips.

I should say what they didn't show you there was the toilet

where Gillian McKeith was spending one of her happiest days!

So, here's the related fact for Lee's team...

Lee's team, could that be true?

That's not very specific, is it?

There are more specifics. They had to be bold coloured.

Example meal, all right, raw red pepper, which would

be red and cold, steamed broccoli, which would count for green and hot,

scrambled eggs, yellow and hot, and raw carrot sticks, which as we all know, are orange and cold.

-They're not cold, they're crunchy.

-Two crunchy things.

-Pepper's cold.

Unless you've heated them.

Yes, I know, but the system is, one crunchy, one soft, one hot, one cold

so don't talk about something that may be cold and crunchy. Confusing!

It's selling point WAS crunchiness.

In this instance, the carrots are there playing the crunchy role

and could say to the pepper, "Well, actually, I've done cold as well, but today I'm on crunchy".

"All right? Been crunchy, today I'm cold."

Any food can be served in all of those ways, you're quite right.

-No, a grape cannot be crunchy, you idiot!

-Have you ever eaten the pips?

Don't talk to Michael like that! He was in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

-What have you ever done?

-What if you froze a grape?

I sat through Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I know who worked harder!

I've an Olivier Award!

-Lee's team?

-I think it's true, cos that's the sort of stupid thing

that people like her do to give their life some purpose and loony,

with a set of arbitrary rules, something for them to think about

while they're sitting on their thin arses!

APPLAUSE

-I think it's true.

-Oh, go on, I'll go with my team on this one and say that that's the truth.

You're saying it's true? OK.

Um... It is true.

Christina will go to any length to maintain that

slutty look we know and love.

LAUGHTER

Which means, at the end of that round, Lee's team is in the lead by four points to two.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My...

We're about to bring on a mystery guest that each of Lee's team will claim to have a special

relationship with, but only one will be telling the truth and it's up to

David's team to decide who. So, please welcome this week's special guest, Donna.

APPLAUSE

So, Charlie first, what is Donna to you?

-This is Donna who is teaching me basic home maintenance.

-All right.

Lee, what is Donna to you?

This is Donna and she saved my life when she threw me a lifebelt after I fell off my boat.

OK. Michael, what is Donna to you?

This is Donna. She has been my number one super-fan since she was 17.

She even has a toilet seat cover with my face on it.

Michael has a fan!

LAUGHTER

Who would you like to start with?

Michael, when did you start your relationship with your fan?

I have a relationship with most of my fans.

How did you get to know Donna?

I've seen her...at the, er...

front of...out of audiences that have come and waited at stage doors

and you sign autographs and you stop and you have a...

-Only Donna turns up?!

-Donna, as well!

So what makes Donna your number one fan?

A number of things. I released a charity single and so she went

and bought them all in a shop and then sold them on at her school.

Isn't that illegal?

Open-air concerts, she'll always try and be the first down the front,

so she'll go into training prior to the concert, so she can get there first.

Do you have number two and a number three fan?

Well, it's... Um, no.

Everyone's number one!

Charlie, what sort of home maintenance tips are you getting?

Very, very basic ones.

My home's a mess and I'm not very good at sort of maintaining,

looking after anything in my house so an ex-girlfriend

paid for me to have these lessons where I basically learn. It's basic stuff.

Do you mean like how to change a plug?

Yes, that was one of the first things we did. To be honest, I've only gone three times and don't...

-Where do you go? Go where?

-It's the community centre down the road.

-Are you doing it for a magazine?

-No. I'm doing it because I'm a pathetic human being!

What's the first rule of Home Maintenance Club?

You don't talk about Home Maintenance Club.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee, tell us the story of your boating trip. Where was the boat?

-The boat was on the River Thames.

-Were you by yourself?

Well, I was actually with my dog and one other person.

Why does the dog come first?

Why does the dog go first? That's what my wife says!

"Why do you introduce me like that, all the time - "This is my dog, Pickles, and one other person"."

Who was the other person?

My wife!

LAUGHTER

So how fast a boat is this? I'm not a boat expert.

It's a twin-engine, 28-foot Fairline Sunfury

and as we all know, they can go up to 45 knots,

but on the Thames, you can't break six.

Just to give you an idea how fast six knots is, if someone is walking beside you

and you wave to them, you're committed to it for about two hours!

And how did you fall in?

Well, I was actually trying to go round the side of the boat to

undo the gas canister at the front, so we could make a cup of tea and

I went down the side and slipped.

Why didn't your wife save you?

-She can't swim!

-And what's Donna got to do with it?

She hasn't appeared yet in this!

Well, Donna was on another boat, coming the other way,

and I slipped in and then she just threw me the ring.

So your wife, because she can't swim, also won't throw you a lifebelt?

-So what are you saying? What is she?

-Trinny?

When Donna came in, the only person who didn't look at her was the guy in the middle.

-His name is Lee Mack!

-Trinny.

-He's a popular comedian!

-Trinny, stop treating me like staff!

LAUGHTER

I can't decide between Michael and Lee.

But I don't believe Lee would go boating very much and...

Why wouldn't I go boating very much?

-It just doesn't suit you.

-Why?

All right, then, she saved me when I was trying to chase after a whippet!

Reece, do you have any suspicions which way this should go?

I think that Lee is telling the truth.

-You think Lee?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Is that your answer?

OK, Donna, would you reveal your true identity.

I'm Michael's number one fan.

APPLAUSE

-Yes, look at this!

-You've got it!

We say congratulations to Donna and thank you very much indeed for coming, Donna, thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,

in which panellists lie through their teeth against the clock.

David's team are currently behind, so we're gonna give them one last chance to catch up, starting with...

That's David.

Three members of the Cabinet subscribe to my Twitter feed.

Please explain for some of the less "with-it" crowd what a Twitter is?

Well, Twitter is a website where you can essentially leave messages

of up to 140 characters and no longer.

-OK, Lee's team.

-You made it sound so dynamic!

I can see why it's so popular!

I can't!

Why did you sign up?

Because someone on it was impersonating me.

What?

Someone on Twitter was pretending to be me and putting messages on it like,

"Going to Peep Show production meeting. Everyone there is an arsehole",

which I did not wish to be published under my name.

And who are the Cabinet ministers?

They are Andy Burnham, the Culture Secretary, Alistair Darling, who is the Chancellor of the Exchequer...

Can you say "Exchequer" like that again?!

-MUTTERING:

-The Chancellor of the Exchequer.

And Alan Johnson.

Is it any wonder the financial crisis we're in?

-How many followers do you have?

-About 27,000.

What sort of information would you be giving that's so interesting

that they're gonna follow you, of all the people in the country?

-I think you can follow...

-I sounded really confrontational!

-LEE MACK:

-You really are full of nastiness!

You're a very popular young man in the current entertainment "scene"

and a lot of people enjoy his work and they want to get close to him and they follow him.

-I've been on Question Time.

-He's been on Question Time

-I'm a political force, Charlie!

-Lee, let's have a guess.

-I think it could be true.

-It's a lie.

-It's a lie, it's a lie!

If anyone is talking to Cabinet members, it's Dave Mitchell!

He's not talking. He never...

He doesn't really say much. Frankly, you're boring on there!

-I think it might be true.

-Are you saying true?

-You can say that if you wanna lose the game!

OK, it's a lie.

-A lie? Charlie?

-I'm absolutely convinced it's a lie!

I think it's true and I'm gonna go with you two, but particularly you if it goes wrong!

So you're saying it's a lie? David, is it true?

It is...a lie.

It is a lie, a very big lie.

There are not three members of the Cabinet who subscribe to David's Twitter feed.

I myself don't get all the fuss about Twitter.

People have forgotten the simple pleasure of sitting down and talking to friends on Skype!

And next.

It's Lee.

-I kept my car running for two months by cracking an egg into it every day.

-David's team, is that possible?

You say "cracking eggs into it". Where's "in"?

In the petrol tank or...?

In the petrol tank! Are you a fool?

Do you know nothing of cars?

Not egg-running cars!

In a car, you have a radiator.

If the radiator cracks, all the water comes out.

-Yeah.

-But, interestingly, if you put an egg in the radiator,

it goes...

it congeals and it seals the hole in the radiator because the egg...

-So why didn't you go and get it fixed?

-That's a good question.

Trinny, I couldn't afford it, so I thought, it's about 150 quid

to get the radiator replaced...

The eggs must have cost you 100 quid!

They weren't free-range, darling!

-I'm talking really cruel eggs.

-Did you do an egg a day?

-Cruel and cheap, they were called!

-Did you do an egg a day?

I can pump out 50 a day, was the advert!

Who needs to move his head?

That's where the advert came from.

"Who needs to move his head? 50 a day, that's me!"

-So what do you think? Is it true or is it a lie?

-It can't be true!

-What do you think?

-I think it's a lie.

-OK, lie.

-You're saying it's a lie? Lee, tell us the truth?

It is, in fact...

true!

It's very, very true indeed.

Lee Mack's motto is, "If there's a job worth doing,

"it's worth doing haphazardly"!

BUZZER

That noise signals time's up and it's the end of the show and I can reveal that tonight's winners are

Lee's team by a massive nine points to two.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game any more.

My individual liar of the week is...

-Michael Ball!

-Oh, that's very kind of you!

Michael Ball, whose biggest lie prior to tonight was Love Changes Everything.

I can tell you from experience, Michael, that what actually changes

everything is having your girlfriend come home to find you prancing

around the bedroom in her underwear! Good night!

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