Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, everybody and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that tests our panellists' ability to lie.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, we have a rock star physicist,

which means he can throw a TV out of the window whilst calculating its speed and trajectory.

From wonders of the solar system, it's Professor Brian Cox.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And a young Scottish comedian, who is the funniest thing to happen to Glasgow

since it was named European Capital of Culture, Kevin Bridges.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on David Mitchell's team, someone who spent

the last three years in a coma, reliving the Eighties.

No, it's not Bruce Forsyth.

From Ashes To Ashes, Keeley Hawes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And a comedy actor who went to university with Rachel Weisz

and Sam Mendes, so he's perfectly comfortable in the company of major stars.

This will be a bit different for you, tonight. It's Stephen Mangan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

They've not seen the card, so have no idea what they will be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort fact from fiction.

And first up is the mighty Stephen "Mango" Mangan.

Right, "I have nicknames for both my big toes".

Lee's team, what do you think?

-What are their nicknames?

-Leslie and Scruple.

-And what?

-Scruple.

-Scruple?

-Yeah.

-Why Scruple?

Leslie was a, um, this is... Leslie was the nickname

me and my first girlfriend had for our baby that we were going to have.

We had plans to get married and have a kid and we were

going to call it Leslie, as a joke, because it's a nice name,

but we weren't actually going to call it Leslie.

And then, one day, the foot was out the end of the bed and... This is so embarrassing!

And you thought, "Let's try for that baby"?

I said, "There it is" and she said, "You know, there's Leslie".

-It was just a... It just stuck.

-What about Scruple?

Oh, this is ridiculous. There was a kind of.... She was very religious

and she used to believe there was an angel, you had an angel of...

Do you want a minute to think about this?

You have a good angel and a bad angel on your shoulder who, when you're about to do something

awful, will say, "Don't do it or do do it", sort of, you know...

Or go on TV saying you've got a nickname for your toe?

-So Leslie, our baby, we wanted it...

-Your big toe, let's be realistic.

We wanted it to have the good angel to be dominant.

We wanted Leslie to have scruples, so the other toe became Scruple.

-It was Leslie's kind of conscience.

-This is how religions get started.

If he just made that up, he's an absolute genius.

I imagine it's probably true.

What are you saying then, Lee?

-It's got to be true.

-You think it's got to be true?

-It's got to be true. Got to be.

-Kevin?

-I think it's true.

-It's true.

-And you think it's true?

-I do.

-And you're a professor.

-Do we call you doctor or professor?

-Whatever you like.

-So what are you going to say?

-I'll say true.

-You're saying true.

Stephen Mangan, is it true or is it a lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Very good.

Yes, it's a lie.

Stephen does not have nicknames for both his big toes.

Be a bit weird to give your body parts silly names,

as I said to my Lee Mack in the bath, just the other day.

My penis.

LAUGHTER

Keeley Hawes is next.

I lied to my husband that I was good at tennis

and had to have secret lessons when he arranged a doubles match.

Oh. All right, there we are. Lee?

Why would you lie about that?

-Because he wasn't my husband at the time and I was trying to...

-Woo him?

-Woo him.

He's very sporty, so I told him I could ski...

LAUGHTER

-..told him I could play tennis...

-Did he ask you skiing?

-He took me.

Did you have to learn to ski?

It was truly terrible. Somebody called Yust taught me to ski.

-Yust?

-I can recommend Yust.

Skiing!

Yes, so I went and booked some lessons.

-What was the instructor called?

-Oh, God, I can't remember.

And yet Yust... Like that.

Yeah, but Yust was like...

Keeley, Keeley, keep it together, it's falling apart.

Yeah, no, I can't remember.

What was the first thing you learned on the tennis court?

-How to bounce the ball.

-And how do you bounce the ball?

-Like that.

-That was a quick bounce.

-Well, it's only that big and it's only there to there.

Tell her gravity would have taken it a bit longer.

Were you playing on the Moon?

It's not just gravity, you can give a bit of force.

-You can impart an impulse to it, yeah.

-That's it!

-The rate of change of momentum is proportional...

-Don't push it!

LAUGHTER

Did you, ah, did you win?

-I got there and I feigned... an ankle problem.

-What problem?

Because I saw, when I got there, how good they were going to be.

-So...

-It was to impress him. I didn't think he'd start involving other people.

Is he a man for involving other people, in general?

Hang on a minute. Brian, we're not at a physicists' convention now.

We'll keep this clean, please.

Now, listen here, listen here, did your husband ever find out about these secret lessons?

-I told him.

-You came clean.

-I came clean on the night

that I made him dinner, pretending that I'd cooked it, and then he...

LAUGHTER

Your whole life is a fabrication!

I gave it to him in the dark, then he found the Tesco Express box.

-Oh, no.

-And then it all came out.

-Did it?

I said, "I can't play tennis and I can't cook".

"My name's not Jeff."

And, um...

-So what are you going to say? Truth or lie?

-Kevin, true or lie?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-I'd believe that.

-What do you think?

-True.

-I'll say it's true.

-So you're saying it's true?

Oh, all right. Keeley, truth or lie?

It's absolutely

true.

Well done, team. I doubted that one.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Keeley did lie to her husband that she was good at tennis

and had to have secret lessons when he arranged a doubles match.

I had a relationship go wrong because I couldn't play tennis,

but I should never have told that bloke I was Sue Barker.

Kevin, you're next.

-I once accidentally bought a horse.

-Sorry? You bought a what?

-A horse.

-A horse. Sorry, I missed the s.

LAUGHTER

You once accidentally bought a horse, am I right?

-You're right.

-Fine. We're all clear.

Under what circumstances? What did you think you were buying?

Erm... I never thought I was buying anything, I thought I was renting.

LAUGHTER

Did you think you were renting a horse?

-Yes.

-So you paid to rent a horse and then at the end when you tried

to return the horse they said, "What the hell are you doing?

"I've been trying to get rid of Psycho for years."

That's pretty much it.

How long did you imagine you were going to rent it for?

-We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes.

-Did they charge you..?

It was in Bulgaria, on holiday.

OK, and what did it cost in local Bulgarian currency?

What is the local Bulgarian currency?

Er...

LAUGHTER

It was...it was 200 Lev. Lev. L-E-V. I don't know how you pronounce it.

-How much is that in sterling, roughly?

-Roughly...

-At the time.

At the time, I think about £90, so we thought it was a good deal.

-£90 for 25 minutes.

-For 25 minutes on a horse.

-But you said, "We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes.

-There was me and my friend.

-It was a lad's holiday. We were 18 and thought, "We'll go horse riding.

-In Bulgaria?

Did you question the odd sort of time slots they were going for?

I mean, I've never gone pony trekking, but I imagine

they sort of rent you the horse for perhaps a couple of hours. Or at least a solid half hour.

You get 25 minutes, then the horse needs a break for five minutes...

Then you keep the horse forever.

-Well, I never knew that.

-What happened when you tried to take it back?

The guy explained to us that... The guy was gone.

LAUGHTER

"The guy explained to us that he'd gone"?

There were two different guys.

You have to go through me if you want to speak to my client today.

-There was Guy A. Guy A.

-Guy A? That's a Bulgarian name.

-It's very well known.

The most famous Bulgarian name.

The guy, Dimitri, I think that... No, Guy A...

LAUGHTER

-And Guy B, right?

-Right.

We thought we were going horse riding and we were heading towards

-the place where you actually hire the horse...

-Stables!

The stables, right?

I think he's making it up and I'm on his team.

Bit of patience, Brian, come on.

We met a guy on the way who had a horse and we thought he was doing

that thing in Asda when you've got a shopping trolley,

you're taking it back, somebody else needs a trolley and you say, "Want this one?"

So we thought the guy was saying...

-"No need to go all the way to the stable. I'm from the stable..."

-Yeah.

"So just hire this horse..."

-That's what the guy said.

-Yeah.

So there was a bit of a communication breakdown.

There was a Bulgarian guy trying to speak English and two Scottish guys trying to speak English,

so we thought the guy had given us the horse to ride and come back...

Were you not surprised? I mean, I've never been on holiday to Bulgaria,

but I imagine that things would be a bit cheaper in Bulgaria than in Britain.

Were you not surprised it cost you the equivalent of £90 to hire a horse for 25 minutes?

Well, it was 25 minutes each. There was two of us.

So we chipped in for the horse.

For 25 minutes each.

But still, if you thought you were going to get 25 minutes each, that's a lot, isn't it?

It's an hour. You need to give the horse a break, as I said.

Let's forget about the 25 minutes.

Just forget about the horse.

That's absolutely, obviously bullshit.

You take the horse back,

Guy B, who you met on the way to the stables...

He's gone. He's gone, no sign of him.

So you say to Guy A, "Well, we hired this as part

of your not bothering to go to the actual stables, but getting a few hundred yards away scheme.

"We hired this horse for 25 minutes at an extortionate rate. Nevertheless, here it is.

-And what did he say?

-We went back to the place where we picked up the horse.

-Oh, so not to the stable.

-No.

-But to the random point in the road.

Can't be arsed going to the stables. Bewilderedly, "Where has the strange man gone?"

I would have thought, logically, when you were returning it, having thought that he'd have come from

the stable that you'd been lucky not to have to walk their before hiring it,

-you might think, "It's the stables it has to go back to...

-Yeah.

..rather than, "Sod 'em, this is where we picked it up from. That's your fatal mistake.

I'm going to stand here 300 yards away from the stables,

"Come over here! Come and get your own horse!"

At which point, locals start waving, "No. You keep."

-Kevin, look at me, look at me. You're taking the horse back...

-"Look at me"?!

What happened next?

Come on, Kevin, come on.

So where are we taking it up from?

-You're taking the horse back.

-No, let's go back to the start.

Kevin Bridges, for the love of God,

please tell us what happened.

Right.

We bought a horse, we thought we'd rented the horse, we did the horse riding,

-took it back to the actual place we picked up the horse...

-Yes.

Locals explained we'd been to a counterfeit guy who wasn't an official horse riding stable...

This is a counterfeit horse?

This wasn't a genuine horse, this was maybe two guys in a costume.

That would explain the 25 minutes. I can only do 25 minutes.

The giveaway was after 25 minutes, when one went...

"Right, let's crack on, lads."

So, David's team, what do you think, truth or lie(?)

LAUGHTER

I mean, the trouble with this game is it plays tricks with your mind,

but I don't think it's true, you don't really think?

-It's got to be, hasn't it?

-It's got to be a lie.

-It's got to be.

-Yeah.

-You're saying it's a lie.

-So here we go, this really is...

-This is the moment.

More than any other episode I've done of this,

this is the moment we're waiting for.

Kevin Bridges, is it true or is it a lie?

It's true.

CHEERING

Unbelievable.

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on

a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Each of Lee's team will claim that it's them that has

the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot

who's telling the truth, so give a warm welcome to this week's guest, Drac.

APPLAUSE

Welcome Drac. So, Kevin, what is Drac to you?

This is Drac, my dad's friend. He took me for a driving lesson

and I reversed through a chip shop window.

LAUGHTER

Brian, please explain how you know Drac.

Well, this is Drac, the roadie, that left me gaffer taped to a lighting rig for over an hour.

Right. And finally, Lee. What is your connection?

This is Drac and I presented him with first prize at the National Pie Awards 2009.

So, David's team, begin your investigation.

Erm, Lee, where were the National Pie Awards held?

-Birmingham.

-What was the venue?

The venue was the Hilton.

-Hilton.

-What type of pie was it?

Well, he made a selection, he didn't just make one pie.

It was for his, his, his various pies.

You don't, you don't just have one pie. It's not like... .

Was he Various Pie Maker of the Year?

No, he won the overall, the big prize at the end.

-National Pie Maker of the Year.

-So he won the overall award, and there's like separate...

No, he didn't have the best overall.

Were there separate, what were the separate awards?

Was it like apple pie, steak and kidney pie, and then Drac won the big, like, Best Film - Best Pie.

You don't just have one pie, you have, I think, two or three pies.

I think we understand that you have to demonstrate the ability to reproduce the pie.

Because otherwise it literally is just one pie, as soon as the judges have tasted it, what does it matter?

That was a pie, that pie is gone.

It was two or three pies he produced that year, but I don't...

I think he wants to up production, actually.

They'd done the pie tasting and judging on another occasion.

Yeah, they had voted on it, people had voted on it and there was like a pop chart, a pie chart.

You liked the pie chart, Brian, didn't you? I thought you might.

Did you announce then that the winner is Drac, or did you say his full name, which is..?

I said, "The winner is Drac".

What about Brian and Kevin?

-Brian gaffer taped to a lighting rig. For how long?

-Over an hour.

Why were you gaffer taped to a lighting rig in the first place?

I was the youngest member of the band and I was probably not behaving in a way deemed

appropriate for a member of a band in the presence of road crew.

-What were you doing?

-I don't remember. I think I was just being a general...

How did you get down?

They had to get me down, because it's a lighting rig, it was like one of these.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Drac, on his own, grabbed you because you were doing something

you shouldn't be doing, like maths homework...

..and he carries you up a ladder to a lighting rig 20 metres above the stage,

-and then he gaffered you round.

-He was the tour manager, actually.

He ordered the crew to put me on the ground and gaffer me up into a ball, put a harness on

then attach me to lighting rig at the Hammersmith Odeon and left me there for over an hour.

-Was that when you wrote Things Can Only Get Better?

-Yeah, yeah!

You can't remember what had offended them?

No, I think it was just a build up, I think, of absolute annoyance.

-Over many weeks.

-I can believe it.

-So, Kevin Bridges, it's something to do with a car.

-Well, yes.

He's a friend of your dad's and he took you on a driving lesson.

-Yeah.

-And you ended up reversing through a chip shop window.

-Yeah. His name's Duncan.

-Duncan.

And he gets called Drac because it's like D-R-A-C.

and he used to be known as Duncan from the RAC, because he's a driving instructor.

Then that got shortened to...

Were trying to do a three-point turn? What was..?

-It was the first lesson.

-Right.

We thought we'd do reversing - that's Drac's strategy.

Once you've learnt going backwards, going forwards is a piece of cake?

It's the way he sees life and driving tuition.

LAUGHTER

You've got a chip shop by the side of the road,

so the car is not facing... The front or back of the car

-is not normally facing a chip shop?

-No, it was in its car park.

-A chip shop with a car park?!

Have you not been to Scotland before, David?

-So this is like a kind of Ikea-scale chip shop?

-It's a massive chip shop. I worked in this chip shop.

-So you're in the car park by the chip shop window...

-Yeah.

..and you get in the car for the first driving lesson

and he says, "First things first - reversing"?

Why didn't he press the brake when he saw you hurtling towards the chip shop?

He was busy trying to design his new pork pie.

David's team, we need an answer. Is Drac, Kevin's driving instructor,

Brian's gaffer-taping roadie or Lee's prize-winning pie maker?

-What are you going to say?

-I have absolutely no idea.

Kevin's sounds implausible, but we've been down this road before.

Frankly, nothing would surprise me.

If he said he's unscrewed his leg and it had walked to China on its own I'd believe him.

Lee doing a corporate? Isn't pies a bit..? He's Northern, he's doing a pie-handing out prize, isn't it..?

-But then again, if you're doing the pie awards...

-Yeah.

..who would you go to other than Lee Mack?

Can you say that to camera?

I can give them some available dates, I'll give available dates.

And what about Brian's?

-A very good specific story about the winch and the Hammersmith Odeon and...

-Yeah.

But it does seem quite a cruel thing to do.

I think he probably...

-..could have been irritating enough for them.

-Yeah, I think so.

I don't think that's in question, to be honest.

-What's it going to be?

-Say Brian.

-Say Brian?

-Yeah, come one. Brian, we think it's Brian.

-You're saying Brian?

-Yes.

-OK.

Would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm Drac, I'm the roadie that gaffer taped Brian to the lighting rig.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on, Drac.

So at the end of that round, David's team have four points and Lee's team have two.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, in which our panellists lie

through their teeth and against the clock. So, we start with...

Oh, it's David.

"I've had to prize open my bedroom door for the last two years, ever since the door handle fell off."

What do you use to prize open the door?

Oh, just my fingernails.

And you have to go to the top of the door jam.

-Is it an out or a..?

-It all depends which side!

Do you live on your own?

I can answer that.

I have a flatmate, but it's just my bedroom, yeah.

It's only you that has the...

I am absolutely the only person who ever needs to get in or out.

-You speak to me with a stare and I don't know...

-That's just, you know, a look of resignation.

Why haven't you just whipped out a knob and affixed it to the entrance?

Basically, it wouldn't, you can't just screw it back on because the holes that the screws...

-The thread's gone.

-That's it!

-Now, Keeley, speaking as the only woman, in your single days, before you settled down...

-Oh, God! Yes?

And you would have met David and you'd be getting on like a wildfire

and he said, "Why don't you come back to mine."

I know you don't like it, it's either this or Ronnie Corbett.

"Why don't you come back to my apartment and we can settle down and have a game of Boggle."

So, you go there, you go there, and he says, "Well, why don't we go upstairs?"

And you go upstairs and you get to the door and there's no handle or knob.

Would that put you off?

-This actually happened to me once.

-David!

-You're a dark horse.

-I don't remember.

I stayed over and when I got up in the morning to leave, I couldn't get out.

-And I didn't know where I was.

-You didn't know where you were?

-Wow, really?

-I had to ring the fire brigade...

I think I should say, this was not at my house.

And they had to come and put a ladder up to the window and give me a fireman's lift out.

-Where was the man who's house... who you'd gone back with?

-Oh, he'd gone to work.

-He'd gone to work and locked you in for later.

-But you didn't know?

-Didn't know...!

"She'll keep till I get back."

Wow! Wow! OK, what are you going to say, Lee?

-I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie?

He looks like a man that's got well-maintained doors.

-Yeah.

-I'll say it's a lie.

OK, then, we'll say it's a lie.

Saying it's a lie. ..David Mitchell, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is, in fact, true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

David HAS had to prise open his bedroom door for the last two years, ever since the door handle fell off.

And next... Oh, it's Lee.

-Possession.

-Oh, right, take out the box, pop it on the desk and read the card.

It's a set of children's cutlery.

This is the children's cutlery I used when I went on a special diet.

It helped to make the portions on my plate seem bigger.

David's team, do you believe that?

That's so Lee. How long did you use the cutlery for, then?

Well, if it was a big meal, ten minutes.

In terms of weeks or months.

Nothing was that big.

How long was the period of you life for which you used children's cutlery in order to lose weight?

..Swallow this.

I know it doesn't take you that long to invent six months.

Six months.

Did you sort of take them if you were going to a restaurant? Did you take them with you?

No, I think you're mixing me up with a lunatic.

It's not great... ..Keeley, would you really want that on a date

if I said, "So how did the tennis go, love?"

I could take it into the bedroom and go, "You don't think it's big? Look at it again!"

"And that's a salad fork, let me tell you."

And what gave you the idea? Where was the inspiration for this?

-I read it in a book.

-You read it in a book?

-Yes.

-Which book was that?

-The Book Of Dieting.

-The Book Of Dieting.

-It was...

-The Big Book Of Stupid Dieting Ideas.

-Right, David, what do you think?

-It's a lie. It's a lie.

-Keeley, are you in agreement with the rest of your team?

-I think that's a lie.

-So you're saying no.

OK, Lee Mack, were you telling the truth there?

Um...it was a lie.

APPLAUSE

What a shock - it was a lie(!)

Lee did not go on a diet which involved using

-children's cutlery for every meal to make his portions seem bigger.

-BUZZER

That noise signals time is up, and I can reveal that David's team

has triumphed by seven points to four.

APPLAUSE

But of course it's not just a team game, and my individual liar of the week this week is Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING

Yes, a fine achievement for a young man of 24.

As a Glaswegian, he can look back on that with satisfaction for the rest

of his life...another ten years. Good night!

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