Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome along to Would I Lie To You,

the show all about lies and lying.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, we have a judge from Strictly Come Dancing who is known as Mr Marmite.

You either love him or hate him.

Plus, he's the colour of mahogany and smells of yeast!

-It's Craig Revel Horwood!

-APPLAUSE

And a presenter who found himself at the South Pole suffering from frostbite and hypothermia.

Two words - sat nav!

-It's Ben Fogle!

-APPLAUSE

And on Lee's team, one of the stars of the sitcom Outnumbered

where he plays the father to those kids who were really cute in Series One and Two.

-It's Hugh Dennis!

-APPLAUSE Thank you.

And a woman I spent so many years waking up with that I find it hard to believe I never saw her on telly.

-It's Kate Silverton!

-APPLAUSE

It's Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so have no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies. Hugh is first.

For superstitious reasons, I have to touch the tip of my nose

whenever I say the word "France".

-David's team?

-Have you ever been to France?

Yes, I have been to France.

It's a weird thing, but I have to do it and I've done it since childhood.

-What sparked that off?

-Well, because when I was very little, I was quite scared.

I was a very worried child and the thing I was really worried about

more than anything else was rabies.

HE LAUGHS

A little nervous chuckle after "rabies" there.

-I was terribly worried about rabies.

-HE FAKES LAUGH

-Anyway...

-And you forget that England is this incredibly safe country where we don't have anything,

but when you go to France... Ah!

LAUGHTER

I don't have to do it immediately. When you go to France...

Is it all right to catch up at the end of the day? You keep a score.

The point is... APPLAUSE

When I was a child, because I was so scared of rabies and we used to go to France quite often,

I thought that it would kind of ward off rabid dogs.

It's one of those sort of weird childhood things.

-How did you learn about rabies as a child?

-The hard way.

LAUGHTER

I've learnt a lot about rabies or as the French... If I say "French", I don't have to do it.

If I say "France", I do have to do it. But what the French call "la rage", which is rabies...

I genuinely thought it would give me good luck because I'm slightly superstitious.

-What do you think? Truth or lie?

-Well, it's possible, but unlikely.

-I think when you said "France" and forgot to touch your nose...

-That's because I'm an adult and I don't...

I don't think it's plausible at all. It sounds ludicrous and I can't imagine anybody wanting to do it.

We're not going to ask you to mark him. We're not going to ask you to hold up a number.

-Lie.

-You think a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-You say it's a lie.

-Yes.

-Hugh, was that the truth or a lie?

I was telling...

a lie. APPLAUSE

-That was good, though.

-Yes, it was a lie.

Hugh does not have to touch the tip of his nose whenever he says the word "France".

-Ben Fogle, you're next.

-OK...

OK. Do I read it now?

Ideally. In an ideal world, you'd read it out loud.

I was interrogated for six hours on suspicion of being a spy.

-Lee?

-Wow! Where?

-Where?

-Where?

-Sorry, it's the accent. Can you interpret for me?

-Where...?

-For the posh man in the corner.

POSH VOICE: Where were you interrogated?

So, it was an island in the Pacific called Pitcairn.

-Called what?

-Pitcairn.

What were you doing there?

I was doing some research about remote communities, remote islands.

And I arrived and they thought I looked very dodgy and that I must be a spy.

And just one extra twist to this

is that they also accused me of trying to illegally smuggle plants.

-What kind of plants?

-Breadfruit plants.

Breadfruit plants? Are you just making up words tonight?

Has anyone tried breadfruit? Horrid. It smells like old socks.

-It tastes neither like bread nor fruit.

-Am I the only one that's not heard of the breadfruit plant?

-I've heard of it.

-I'm the only one who's not heard of it in the whole world.

-Have you all heard of the breadfruit plant?

-ALL: Yes!

What did they actually do to you?

What's quite interesting... There's only, I think, 36 inhabitants on this island.

They were very suspicious because no-one had been on the island for about 18 months.

-You say they didn't know why you were there. Don't these people watch Countryfile?

-I know. No telly.

So what actually happened then?

I got interrogated for six hours, got accused of being a spy and smuggling this plant in.

They found me guilty and I was deported and had a five-week journey back to Polynesia, then to England.

- This was for a TV programme? - No, I was out there on my own.

- Just researching into breadfruit? - For a book I was going to write.

Is he telling the truth? It sounds fantastic.

I know that he did the journey because I've seen the book.

-I don't know if he's using the true story...

-And then adding a bit on.

If yours was, "I read the news naked from the waist down,"

it would be true that you read the news, but you've added a bit on.

Or taken a bit off! LAUGHTER

-It's semi-true.

-It's a semi, yeah.

-It's a semi. Definitely is!

-So, back to the interrogation.

-Yeah.

-Is it just me or is there a bit of a frisson now between Lee and Kate?

I'm having a hot flush.

Imagine what Lee's having!

I think probably it's a bit of an add-on.

-It's not true?

-I don't think so.

-I'm going to stick with that as well.

-My team says "not true".

OK, so, Ben, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

I was telling...

-the truth.

-Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

-I'm so sorry.

-It is all true.

Ben was suspected of being a spy. With his love of the countryside,

passion for cycling and fascination with squirrels, he's like a real-life James Bond!

Kate Silverton, you're next.

Right...

I once read an entire news bulletin with one foot in a bucket of iced water.

-David?

-Right, I'm assuming some sort of injury.

-Yes.

I had sprained my ankle.

By, what, reading a difficult sentence?

I had raced in a triathlon the day before

and I had come a bit of a cropper,

so the next day, it was none too... It was very, very swollen.

We tried putting it up, but that didn't look that good.

-On the news, it would look bad.

-It looks too casual, doesn't it?

We came up with a cunning plan to have a bucket of ice. I was in such pain.

It's very odd that you didn't have someone that could do it for you.

You're allowed to take sick leave, surely, on an injury?

Not when you're freelance.

No, because I went in... I wanted to work. If I don't work, then I don't get paid.

Someone else gets in there.

-Yeah.

-That bloody Huw Edwards!

He'd have been in like a shot.

"Terrible news. Kate's sprained her ankle."

Finally, an impression with the right accent for you!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well...

I don't know, I just... You know, I totally believe that.

I don't, the freelance thing.

-What do you mean?

-Why can't she be freelance?

-They're like a couple now!

-He's sticking up for me.

-Shut up! I'll deal with this, love.

Were you so desperate for the money?

It was a three-hour stint on a Sunday morning. It's very difficult to get somebody else to cover.

- When did you do the injury? - On the Saturday.

- At what time? - In the afternoon. 3 o'clock race.

- What part of the race was it? - The running bit.

-Where did you come in the race?

-Good Lord, it's like a slightly camp Inspector Morse!

Please take your guess. Is she telling the truth?

Yes.

Would you like to consult with your team?

-What do you think?

-I think it's probably true.

-What do you think?

-I think it's true, but...

-Truth! It's true!

They say it's true. Kate Silverton, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

APPLAUSE

That was a good double bluff.

It's a lie. Kate did not read an entire news bulletin with one foot in a bucket of iced water.

Being a newsreader is simply reading words from an autocue. Any idiot can do that.

Smile, pause for laughter, encourage applause...

Nice stupid face at the end - I like that!

The next round is The Ring Of Truth in which I read out an amazing celebrity fact

and all our teams have to do is decide whether it's true or not.

Both teams, take a look at this.

'You don't have to be from London to do rap.

'It's important wherever you are to do it. It makes the scene massive.'

THUMPING MUSIC

# You sit in your armchair with your control

# For another channel would you sell your soul?

# Watch the box all day and night Buy your own dish or satellite... #

'You select your subject you want to write about by watching television

'and if something grabs your attention and you want to release anger about that,

'you just write it down in a rap.'

# I just don't agree with Sky TV... #

APPLAUSE

OK, here's the related fact for both teams.

Is that true?

He's famously quite glum and dour, isn't he?

-Scottish.

-I'm not saying that all Scots are glum and dour, but he is.

The record was called Autograph and it sold just 200 copies,

coming nowhere near the 1,000 sales required to make it into the charts

and it came out in November 2009.

If he had any sense, he would have bought 1,000 copies himself.

So rigging results then, Craig, is fine in your book, says Strictly Come Dancing judge?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well...

-Do you know the rap, Rob?

-I've got some lines here.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-# During Wimbledon it gets really crazy

# My hand cramps up and my mind gets hazy

# I sign and sign but the line doesnae end, wake me up tomorrow, let's do it again... Autograph! #

APPLAUSE

-My instinct is it's not true.

-Surely he's focusing on tennis.

-Exactly.

I don't think it's true. I think it's true.

-Do you?

-I don't think it's true.

And the deciding vote, we're going to say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie, OK. Lee?

While you were talking before, Kate whispered something into my ear.

It's got nothing to do with this, but I said, "Hold that thought until after they've said their piece."

As a reporter, I think this is true because I seem to remember talking about it.

It's quite handy having a newsreader on my side!

There we are. Lee's team say it's true, David's team say it's a lie.

-Well, this will shock you...

-I wish we hadn't! I bitterly regret that.

-This will shock you as I tell you it's true.

-Well done.

-We were so close(!)

-Yeah.

Yes, Andy Murray did release a rap single that sold just 200 copies and failed to chart. We've got it here.

# During Wimbledon, it really gets crazy

# My hand cramps up and my mind gets hazy

# I sign and sign but the line doesn't end

# Wake me up tomorrow, let's do it again

# Autograph

# Autograph

# Autograph... #

-Craig, you were laying down some phat beats there.

-Thank you, darling.

-P-H-A-T, of course.

-Well, it's not my genre.

-No, that came across.

At the end of that round, David's team have 2, but Lee's team have 2!

And so to our next round, This is My..., where our mystery guest has a connection to a panellist.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them who has the genuine connection to the guest.

Lee's team must spot who is telling the truth. So please welcome Mike!

LAUGHTER

I'm as shocked as you.

He's definitely with David.

Ben Fogle, what is Mike to you?

This is Mike and I met him in a pub

and got so drunk that Mike here gave me a tattoo.

All right. David, how do you know Mike?

This is Mike and we once started a detective agency together.

LAUGHTER

-In the...

-Really? Is that right?

-In my garden shed.

-And finally Craig.

-This is Mike

and he beat me in a Moustache Wearer of the Year competition.

There we have it. Ben's impromptu tattooist, David's private eye

-or Craig's moustache wearer. Lee's team?

-When did you have a moustache?

During a show that I did called Spend, Spend, Spend,

which was in 1999. I was the choreographer.

Why did you enter it? With my friend Clifford.

Was he an enormous dog? LAUGHTER

No...

He had a moustache. I had a full beard and I shaved my beard off.

Where was the competition? In Finsbury Park.

-Just in the park?

-Not a competition. Just a lot of men with moustaches in the park.

Now I believe it.

If there were loads of men, why did you make friends with the winner?

Unless you fancied his moustache.

Well, it was a long time ago and he was a bit cuter then!

LAUGHTER

You should just go... # Go Compare! #

Look, do you want to...?

-Let's just thrill the world, darling.

-I'll do it for you.

-Oh!

-Oh, hello! Now I think he can carry that off.

Yeah, I'm liking it.

Were you hoping to get into an episode of Poirot?

No, we did it as a laugh. We were slaughtered one night and did it as a joke, really.

David, just remind us again.

-We set up a detective agency in my garden shed.

-As children?

-Yes, as children.

-How old were you at the time?

-I was, I think, 10.

-And he was the same age?

-No, he was 13, I think.

-A bit of an age gap, I would have thought.

-13-year-old men with moustaches hanging around 10-year-old boys.

-Did you say 13-year-old men?

They're men as far as I'm concerned!

What sort of cases were you taking on? What would be a typical case?

Em, well...we...

We followed a guy.

-LAUGHTER

-Who was it you were following?

It was...

A bloke... A bloke who lived a few doors down.

-He had a sports car.

-Oh, that sounds nice, darling.

-I considered him suspicious.

-What did you suspect him of?

-I don't know. It was a sort of seedy car.

And there were lots of cigarette ends in the ashtray.

-Guilty as sin!

-Hang the bastard!

-Were you dressed like this?

-Yes, was he as good at blending into the background as he is now?

Every time you look round, he's stood still going...

-And what does he do now?

-I believe he works in IT.

-You believe?

Would you like to move on to Mr Fogle?

The idea of Ben with a tattoo... Let's see it.

-No, I'm not going to show it. It's on my shoulder.

-Why not show us?

-I'm a bit embarrassed about it. I was really drunk.

-Embarrassed? What is it?

It's either a star or a compass.

So he's a shit tattooist?

No, I bumped into him and got very drunk, in the middle of winter, no one else there except Mike.

-And he had his tools with him?

-No, I think we left the pub and went somewhere.

Not entirely sure where.

You were so drunk that this man, who you'd never met and, God bless you, looks a bit eccentric,

he said, "In my bag I've got some needles and ink. Do you want to come back to mine?"

And you said, "Yes, that sounds like my cup of tea. I'm off my face."

OK, we need an answer.

Is Mike Ben's bar room tattooist, David's fellow detective or Craig's moustache champion?

Well, I think it's Ben.

I'd love it to be Craig, I kind of think it's David, but it could be Ben. Sorry!

-I think it might be David, so David.

-You're saying David?

So, Mike, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Mike and one drunken night I tattooed Ben.

-I should say he is a very good tattoo artist.

-So let's have a look.

-You want to see it?

-I really do.

-That's a tattoo.

-Is it a compass?

-It's a nautical star.

Thank you very much, Mike.

Which brings us to our final round of quick fire lies, lying against the clock.

We'll start with...

-Lee.

-When I was six, I was thrown out of ballroom dancing lessons.

-David's team.

-Right. I'll take this.

LAUGHTER

Never say that to Craig!

You were six? What had you done in the ballroom dancing?

I...I broke... I broke a piece of equipment.

What equipment can you break?!

I broke...the machine that plays the music. The tape machine. What?!

The machine that plays the music! The musictron! The friendly robot that plays the piano. I broke it.

-What dance were you doing?

-I can't remember, if truth be known.

-So you can't do it now?

-You're absolutely right, Ben.

You said you couldn't do it, but we've got...a dancer. He can hold your hand.

All right. I'll show you how it went.

I'll say this really slowly, so listen. I think I better lead.

-LAUGHTER

-Now...

It's arm up like this. And... Arm on the shoulder. You're the lady.

And I sort of turned and said, "What's that machine?"

-LAUGHTER

-And I broke the machine! That's roughly how it happened.

-Well, I...

-If that's not evidence!

What do you say - truth or lie?

I think it's an unusual choice for a six-year-old, but it's obviously...

It was big in the '70s because of Come Dancing. It was a big show before it was bastardised!

-What do you say?

-Difficult one, but a lie.

OK. Lee, truth or lie?

It is, in fact, true.

It's true. When Lee was six, he was thrown out of ballroom dancing.

Even so, he spent the next few years locked away in his bedroom perfecting the hand jive. Next...

David.

I have such a terrible singing voice that one year my teacher told me to mime at our school carol concert.

-What was the song?

-What was the song?

I don't know. I wasn't there.

-It was... It was a range... of Christmas carols.

-There's a few you were bad at?

-You were bad, full stop?

-Oh, no, you're right, Lee. I sung some of them like an angel.

O Come All Ye Faithful I'd just scream the word, "Shit!"

So did she say this in front of everybody?

No. No.

I was...I was sort of... taken aside and said,

"You're finding this a bit difficult, aren't you?

-"And it's putting some of the other boys off."

-So...

-Truth or lie? Time to decide.

-It's too obvious and easy.

-No, you're thinking of me.

It's a lie. I think it could be a lie.

The team says lie. We'll go with lie, yeah.

David - truth or lie?

It is a lie.

It's a lie! David was not told to mime because he has such a terrible singing voice.

David's never been asked to keep quiet at school. Well, once,

but out of respect for the gym teacher's career we won't go into that.

Next... Oh, me!

I always throw the first and last biscuit in a packet away without eating them.

-Why?

-It started because the one at the top is crumbly.

Often it's got crushed. And I can't explain the bottom one.

You throw the bottom one away before you start eating them?

Here's the packet of biscuits. Take the top off with the little bit of stringy wrapping...

-Which reveals two or three.

-In a quite satisfying motion.

-The third one is normally relatively unscathed.

-Which biscuits?

-Let me talk!

-LAUGHTER

Suddenly I'm on Bill Turnbull's side. I take them out.

-The top biscuit is often damaged. I discard it.

-What? Throw it away?

-In the bin.

-Wasted!

-Or for the dog. I'll put it on the floor.

-Then at the bottom...

-Have you got a dog?

-Yes, I have.

-He's not going to say no now! He's quite good at it.

-I've got a black lab.

-Very good.

Where you do black experiments.

LAUGHTER

I then take the biscuits to put them into the clear, Perspex, Kilner jar or whatever it's called.

If you're worried about biscuits getting crushed and crumbly, why put them in a biscuit jar?

-That's the safest place.

-No, it's not. A packet is like a car park for biscuits.

It's all perfectly... Isn't it? Put them in a jar and you'll get exactly what you want to avoid!

You think I put them in the jar like this. I give my wife the jar at one end of the room...

I then stand at the other end and go, "Are you ready?" That's not how I put them in!

You take them out, one by one, and carefully place them like a maniac?

No, I take them out and I slide them into the jar and they rest happily.

-What biscuits are they?

-Chocolate HobNobs or ideally...

The ones I don't have to do it with are the chocolate Leibniz as they are in a box and are unscathed.

You give them to your dog! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs!

Is it?! Well, now you mention it, he wasn't a black lab when we got him.

He was a Golden Retriever.

So just to absolutely establish...

You've taken out the biscuit, discarded it, if it's not crumbled you tend to throw it away

but not always. Then you slide them out like a magician on your hand,

you get the jar, insert them, unless it's a Liebovich(!)

It comes off, there's one left, give it to the dog that used to be brown and is now black.

That is what you're telling us happens in your house! You're mental. Of course it's true.

-Think it's a lie?

-I think so.

-Lie?

-I'll go with my team. Lie.

-Lie. David?

-Yes, I think I can believe it.

-I don't like the broken biscuits.

-So what are you saying?

-True.

You say true, you say lie. Well, it's actually...a lie.

-BUZZER

-That noise signals the end of the show.

Lee's team have romped to victory by 8 points to 3.

It's not just a team game. My individual liar of the week is Ben Fogle!

APPLAUSE Thank you. Very happy with that.

Ben Fogle, who hasn't lied so much since he sat behind James Cracknell

and said, "I'm rowing just as hard as you are." Good night!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010

Email [email protected]