Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, everybody, and welcome along to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that rewards the very best liars.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a legendary comedian who manages to be

one of the biggest stars in showbiz and one of the smallest.

-It's Ronnie Corbett!

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian from Newcastle, so she won't have seen anything like this before, men wearing jackets.

It's Sarah Millican!

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team, a comedian who's always on the lookout for a double entendre.

So I'm going to bend over backwards not to give him one.

It's Julian Clary!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian from Guildford in leafy Surrey, although she was brought up in the rough

part of town, where the Waitrose didn't have its own deli counter.

It's Holly Walsh!

APPLAUSE

So let's begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies.

Julian Clary is first up. Julian.

In my garden, I have a life-size statue of myself astride a unicorn.

LAUGHTER

Seems reasonable enough. David?

Where do you get one? I mean,

-I want one.

-It was a prop from a show.

A prop from a show I did. It's not made of stone,

it's made from polystyrene or something that's been painted. It's a bit weather-worn now.

-What was the show?

-It was a New Year's Eve thing for Channel 4,

"Hello 1993" or something.

Why did "Hello 1993"

need a statue of you on a unicorn?

Well, it was the '90s.

Do you tart it up every now and then, every spring give it a repaint?

-I have a man for that sort of thing.

-All right!

-You don't have to touch up its horn yourself?

-No!

Did you ask for the unicorn or was that forced on you?

Well, it was part of the set.

You know you have these sort of bumper car things on this set?

-Yes, I see that.

-When this comes to an end, you may want to take one of those home.

I'd like to have this in my house and I'd like to address my wife from it.

"On to Round Three, Foreplay, and if you get through that, who knows what might happen!"

So it's in the garden. Is it part of a water feature, is it on a lawn?

It's on a plinth, you know, a few bricks.

A few bricks?

Which is it, a plinth or a few bricks?

Because when cars have had their wheels taken off, they don't say, "Oh look, that car's on a plinth."

Well, I call it a plinth.

-What do you think then, David?

-What do you think, Ronnie?

I think it might be a lie.

-Really?

-Would be in the garden for this long? I ask myself.

-Well, it could be in a bit of a state.

-Seriously dilapidated?

Yes. A decaying image of yourself,

a reminder of your own mortality on top of

-a mythical beast.

-I have a similar thing in my house, it's called a mirror.

What are you going to say, David?

I thought it was true from the first time he said it.

-I didn't need any back-up. I think it's true.

-You think it's a lie?

-I think it's a lie.

-Well, I think on balance, I think it's true.

David's saying it's true.

Julian, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It was...

-a lie.

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Julian doesn't have a life-size statue of himself astride a unicorn in his garden.

The traditional method for hunting a unicorn is for a fair

maiden to sit alone upon the grass, and after a time, the unicorn will approach.

This is also the traditional method for catching flashers.

Ronnie Corbett, you're next.

Right.

I once undertook a self- help course entitled, How To Become Taller.

LAUGHTER

Very hurtful that laughter, I thought, Ronnie.

Was it a step-by-step guide?

AUDIENCE GROANS

No, it was a little routine I had to perform every morning

against the wall, stretching up, and with a pin in the wall.

It was literally taller, not just to make you feel confident?

-Oh no, to really make me taller.

-This is going to make you taller?

I'm talking about the real business, making me taller.

Seeing every day and in every way, getting taller and taller.

Can I ask you a question? Did you keep the receipt?

Was this done once you were of maturity, or is it when you were an

adolescent and still possibly might grow?

I was about 14 or 15.

And it was bought by my aunt, who was perhaps more worried about my size than I was.

-And so she subscribed to it.

-How tall were you at 14?

A little bit taller than I am now.

This is a great book you bought(!)

But surely at 15 you can still have a growth spurt?

Julian, you're pretty tall, how old were you when you reached the height you are now?

I shot up when I was 15.

TENTATIVE LAUGHTER

Bit slow!

-Were you older than 15 when you were as tall as you are?

-I was about 18, I suppose.

So to worry about your nephew not being tall at 14 or 15,

that's quite premature to get concerned about someone's height.

But boys do usually shoot up at about 14 or 15, don't they?

I never shot up. My parents kept telling me that my cousin Gethin,

"Oh, he shot up when he was 22, you've got ages yet."

And of course, I peaked at a very disappointing five foot seven.

I can't believe in front of Ronnie, you're saying, "A very disappointing five foot seven."

-Think of his feelings!

-I know, so upsetting.

That's even more upsetting!

When did you get out of short trousers into long trousers?

Well, what time is it now?

So what do you think, is Ronnie telling the truth?

In the context of, what was that, the '40s when you were a teenager?

-1944, '41-'42.

-It's the sort of thing people might have been...

I don't think people have money to spend on self-help books.

It was during the war, they're not going to spend time worrying about how tall people are.

-That'd be the time exactly!

-Exactly when you worry about it.

"We need to be taller than the enemy!"

Having said that, I would have been annoyed if they'd made you grow an extra six inches,

sent you to war, got in a trench and your head was sitting out the top!

You've got to get a grip here, Lee, and make a decision.

I think we should go for... You say truth, Holly, how sure are you?

I'm definitely sure that's not... You're not... It's... I'm sure.

You've answered the question, sweetheart. I'll go with Julian!

OK, you're saying it's true.

So, Ronnie Corbett, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is...the truth.

APPLAUSE

It's true. Ronnie did once undertake a self-help course entitled, How To Become Taller.

Of course, lacking height is no obstacle to success.

I can think of loads of short people who've become household names.

There's Ronnie, of course, and then there's Sleepy, Grumpy, Happy,

Dozy, Sneezy, Ant and Dec.

Sarah, you're next.

I once spent an entire day on the Asda shuttle bus, just to have a day out.

LAUGHTER

Lee, what do you think?

How long did you spend on the Asda shuttle bus?

-Three hours.

-Is that a day out?

Well, yeah, I slept late.

So you spent three hours on the Asda shuttle bus. On your own?

Yes. Well, no, there were other passengers but I wasn't with anybody else.

All life is there on the Asda shuttle bus.

You just sit there and watch the world get on with their shopping.

Not all life, you wouldn't be on it, would you?

No, I...

I think Ronnie wouldn't be on it before David wouldn't be on it.

-I don't know.

-Can I just say, I'd be on it? Happily.

You'd be driving it.

You should be on the Asda shuttle bus cos you're quite small, and every little helps.

No, that's Tesco.

Tesco, yes!

I like those adverts for Sainsbury's, there's that

guy with a really great voice who says, "Sainsbury's, try something new today."

I'm the voice of Scottish laminate flooring.

LAUGHTER

Does all your flooring have to be laminated?

Oh no, I don't approve of it myself.

Which branch were you going to?

-It was the Boldon Asda.

-The what?

-Boldon.

It went from Asda, all round all the estates locally.

-In Boldon?

-Yes.

-Is that it Newcastle?

No, it's in South Tyneside.

Sounded like Newcastle to me.

That's because you're racist.

Did you get on the bus thinking you were going to go shopping

and then thought, "This is fun, I'll stay on it." Or did you plan to get on the bus as a jaunt?

I got on cos I thought it would take me home,

but it didn't go anywhere near my house, so I just stayed on

and then got back off at Asda. It wasn't planned in advance.

You got on thinking it would take you home,

it does one full revolution back to Asda, and you think,

"I'll try again, it might stop at my house this time.

You never know, the second time round he might just go via my house."

There must be quite a lot of old people who do that to keep warm and for something to do.

-I mean, how long did you...?

-I'm 34, love!

LAUGHTER

So what are you thinking, Lee, which way are you leaning?

-Julian?

-I've no idea on this one.

I've changed my mind. I think it's true now.

-What made you change your mind?

-The story of her trying to get home, that part of it.

That was the bit that made me think she wasn't telling the truth.

-Oh, we're so different.

-I know. Hey, you say that!

Chalk and cheese.

That could be a great name for a double act for me and you.

Chalk And Cheese. "I'm Chalk. And this is Cheese."

HE PRETENDS TO PLAY BANJO

-I'll phone my agent.

-I don't know.

-Holly?

-I think it's true.

-So what are you going to say, Lee?

Go on then. I'll say it's true.

You're saying it's true?

-OK. Sarah, truth or lie?

-It is...

true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Sarah did once spend an entire day on the Asda shuttle bus, just to have a day out.

There's always one slightly strange person on those buses, you know, that everyone's a bit afraid of.

And in this case, it was Sarah.

So at the end of that round, David's team are trailing by four points to nil.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim its them that has the genuine connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.

APPLAUSE

So first off, Ronnie, what is Paul to you?

This is Paul. Paul, I found one morning...

LAUGHTER

..bound and gagged

in a bunker on the golf course

next to our house.

David, would you tell us how you know Paul?

This is my driver, Paul.

He refuses to drink pints because his hands are so small.

And finally, Sarah, your relationship with Paul.

This is my newsagent, Paul.

And he once asked me to watch the shop for 10 minutes and by the time he came back, I'd broken a window

and there was a little boy had his head stuck in a crisp box.

LAUGHTER

Right, Ronnie's gagged golfer, David's small-handed driver or Sarah's unfortunate newsagent.

Lee, where would you like to start?

-Ronnie, this bunker...

-Yes.

-What were you doing? This is early in the morning?

-Very early in the morning,

-I go out very early in the morning, about maybe 7.15am, 7.20am.

-On the golf course?

-On the golf course.

-In case anyone wants to use you as a tee?

-It is upsetting.

-It is upsetting.

shouldn't worry, cos the other day I walked out in my big golfing flat cap and the greenkeeper

rushed out and said "These bloody mushrooms are early this year."

LAUGHTER

-So you saw him?

-To be truthful, the two dogs, they

went in the bunker, I thought, "What are they sniffing about there?"

And I went over there and there Paul was, bound and gagged in the sand, in the bunker.

-And then what happened?

-Well, he was coming round,

because I think he'd had a bit of a night the night before. So I

tapped him on the cheeks gently like that, and when I was tapping

him on the cheeks, and I'd undone the stringy thing and the string

round your ankles, you were really relieved, came round, didn't you? And I took you back home to have

a cup of tea, and the dogs were very pleased to have found him. He'd been there all night.

Was this some sort of prank? I mean, was it a stag do or something?

Well, I didn't want to be too nosey about that.

I wanted to look after him, get him on the phone to his friend, have him

collected and off the bloody premises!

Has he kept in touch?

We have, really, haven't we?

Because we found that your wife was quite friendly with one of my daughters, I think.

But we haven't seen enough of each other, actually.

LAUGHTER

Right, Lee, who else would you like to question?

OK, David.

Yes, when you say he's your driver, I mean, he's picked you up on occasions?

He was the driver on several series of Peep Show.

So you're a professional chauffeur?

He's not allowed to answer.

-He's a professional driver, yes.

-Have you ever picked me up?

He's not allowed to answer.

-Can I see your hands?

-Yeah, you can hold your hands out.

-You could hold a pint of lager, what nonsense.

-Nothing wrong with those.

-I've got tiny hands.

-Have you?

You're my kind of lady!

LAUGHTER

David, tell us about the whole business with the pints, then.

Well, what Paul told me is that he always chooses to drink bottled beer because when he holds a pint...

Wait, this isn't at the wheel, is it?

No, but on a night out, he chooses to drink bottled beer rather than pints, because he gets laughed at

for holding a pint glass, because he sort of has to use two hands.

Maybe there's some course you could go on to make your hands bigger.

Speak to Ronnie about it. Now what about Sarah, Lee?

So how old were you?

It was only a couple of months ago.

-Are you a regular in his shop?

-Yeah, I buy a lot of chocolate.

And what happened while you were in charge?

Well, I was trying to shut one of the windows cos it was quite cold,

and he had quite high ceilings, you know those sticks

that have got the hook on the end that you can shut the window, it sort of went through the window.

-What's the shop called?

-Paul's.

-It's called Paul's, is it?

Just Paul's?

-Not Paul's Shop?

-No, no. Well, it's obviously a shop.

To be fair, Marks and Spencer's.

What about this boy who got his head stuck?

Yeah, I forgot about him!

-How did that come about?

-It was at the end of the school term, sort of 4pm,

and there was a rush of little kids, and one of them just wanted to get himself some crisps

out of the box and it was the last one, and he got his head stuck in cos he sort of went in.

The cardboard boxes with the crisps in and the hole?

Yeah, he couldn't reach so he went in head first.

-He put his head in and he was stuck?

-Yeah.

And you couldn't think of any way to unstick him?

Well, I don't really do kids.

The crisp boxing doesn't ring true.

They're not that big, are they? That you have to put your head in.

If it's a little boy. He hasn't got a head, no offence, the size of yours.

His arms are reasonable length, presumably.

-Yeah, that's a good point.

-We need a guess from you, Lee.

Is Paul...

Ronnie's bunker buddy, David's tiny-handed driver, or Sarah's unfortunate newsagent?

He does look like a driver.

Can I have a look at the back of your head?

Turn around. Do you recognise the back of his head, Julian?

LAUGHTER

He's a driver, I mean, he's a driver!

And I don't believe he's a Northern shopkeeper because his shirt is too nicely ironed.

See, this is the dilemma, the dilemma is...

You're saying there's no chance of it being Ronnie?

It's unlikely, but I'm not saying it's definite. I want that to be true more than any other story

I've heard in my life, because that's what I want to see Ronnie doing in the big chair next time.

"You're not going to believe it."

I can't do the voice, all right, I can't do the voice. And if I could, I wouldn't keep doing it!

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Ronnie, can you do an impression of Rob?

-No.

-IMPERSONATION:

-I've never felt the need to do an impression of Rob, no.

You want the glasses?

-I'd love the glasses, yes.

-There we are.

-IMPERSONATION:

-Oh my word, goodness me!

And in a packed programme tonight...

Good lord, you get vertigo in those.

I'm nobody without these.

-So, what are you going to go for?

-I don't know. What do you think?

I think it's the driver.

-You think it's David's driver? Holly?

-Yeah, I think it's David's driver.

I think it might be Sarah, because she looks like the kind of person

that could break a window and almost kill a small boy in 10 minutes.

-I'm going to overrule my team and say it's Sarah.

-Bold!

-I've got a gut feeling.

-You're saying it's Sarah and the newsagent? OK.

Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Paul,

I'm David's driver and I don't drink pints because my hands are small.

APPLAUSE

Yes, well, if ever there was a harsher warning of the dangers of a fascist state, I'd like to see it.

Thank you very much, Paul!

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of that round,

David's team have two points and Lee's team have four.

Which brings us to our final round,

Quick Fire Lies, in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth,

but against the clock.

Again, they don't know whether they're about to read a true fact

or a made-up lie that they've never seen before.

David's team are currently behind. And we will start with...

-It's David.

-As a child, I used to play board games against a bucket with a face painted on it.

LAUGHTER

I called this bucket Stephen Tatlock.

Wow, what games did you play?

Monopoly.

I played a game called Diplomacy.

-Even then, you were thinking of becoming a politician.

-Even then?

I'm not a politician!

Why Stephen Tatlock?

It was basically named after a friend of mine.

Why didn't you play with Stephen Tatlock? He had no hands!

Stephen Tatlock wasn't always there.

But after I painted a face on a bucket he was!

Did you paint the face on the bucket?

-I think my dad painted the face.

-Your dad was involved in this sad story?

He decided you haven't got any friends, but "Lucky day for you, this is Stephen Tatlock."

What can I say, my father saw me talking to a bucket and decided to accept that side of my nature.

Did your father invent Henry hoovers afterwards?

"And this is your girlfriend."

LAUGHTER

So if you were playing Monopoly, you'd have your go, and then you'd run round and pretend to be Stephen?

I wouldn't pretend to be Stephen, but I found I had to roll for Stephen.

And Stephen would need help moving his...

Did Stephen ever win?

Yes.

What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth?

-What do you think?

-I don't know many people who have an imaginary friend with a surname.

He's one of the few. Did you call him Stephen Tatlock or Stephen?

Did you say "It's your turn, Stephen Tatlock.

"You must do it quickly or otherwise you will go the way of the other buckets."

Usually, I'd call him Stephen.

-Aw, you were quite friendly then?

-Yeah.

Did Stephen Tatlock know there was an impostor?

-An impostor?

-I call it an impostor.

No, I never mentioned Stephen Tatlock to Stephen Tatlock.

Did you ever mention the real Stephen Tatlock to the bucket?

I think probably not, no, That would have been...

They were blissfully unaware of each other's presence?

I don't want you to think that I felt I was in any way being unfaithful

to the real Stephen Tatlock, or the bucket.

I'm not picturing this as some sort of romantic film.

I can't imagine the real Stephen Tatlock walking in on the game and you going, "Stephen...!

"Stephen! Stephen! I can explain!"

LAUGHTER

So what do you think, then, Lee? Time for a guess? Truth or lie?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

I don't know why.

But look at David, we know why! What do you think, Holly?

I don't think it's true.

I might ask my friend, Boris Dickie.

-Boris Dickie says, "No, it's a lie."

-You're saying it's a lie?

-Yes.

You and Boris say it's a lie.

-Boris Dickie!

-OK, Boris Dickie.

David, truth or lie?

It is, in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie.

When David was a child, he didn't play board games against a bucket that he called Stephen Tatlock.

Next...

..it's Ronnie.

My goodness me!

LAUGHTER

So glad I've been asked. There we are.

Last week, I actually had to go into a shop

and buy four candles.

LAUGHTER

Can I just check, Ronnie, when you say four candles...

..did you mean four candles or fork handles?

You can have that one if you like!

I went in to buy four candles.

Which one, though? Four candles or fork handles?

-Four candles?

-Not fork handles?

No, four candles.

That would be confusing, wouldn't it?

Can I just say, can you please let me have my childhood dream?

Can I please say to Ronnie Corbett,

do you mean handles for forks?

No, four candles.

Four candles.

So candles that you light?

Four candles, yes.

Where was this?

Addescombe Road, you know where Addescombe Road is?

-Well, give me a clue, tell me the town.

-London, London.

-Oh, London town.

-It's a hardware shop and it was, you know...

So you went in and you said, "Can I have four candles?" What did the man say to you?

He came back with four candles.

Now, this is where it gets interesting.

When he came back with the four candles, were they four candles or were they handles for forks.

They were four candles.

LAUGHTER

Lee, is it a truth or is it a lie?

-Tell me now.

-Oh, it's just...

I want this to be true more than anything I have ever heard in my life. What do you think, Julian?

-It's a legend, so it must be true.

-You think it's true?

-Holly?

-I think it's true.

-I want it to be true.

-I want it to be true.

Ronnie, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?

-Well, I wanted it to be true but I'm afraid, it's a lie.

-It was a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, last week Ronnie didn't have to go

into a shop and buy four candles.

When you say four candles...

LAUGHTER

It's a lie, although Ronnie does love shopping, as if he's good, he gets to ride in the trolley!

BUZZER SOUNDS

And that buzzer signals time is up and it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that,

good lord, Lee has romped home to victory by eight points to four.

APPLAUSE Well done, team.

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Ronnie Corbett!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

Yes, he's won BAFTAs and Royal Television Society awards,

but I think being named Liar Of The Week

by me, Rob Brydon, will surely be regarded as the pinnacle of his success. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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