Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good evening and welcome along to Would I Lie To You,

the show all about terrible lies and amazing truths.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, the chef and food campaigner responsible for Escape to River Cottage,

Return to River Cottage, The River Cottage Treatment, The River Cottage Year, River Cottage Forever,

Beyond River Cottage and Could You Please Shut Up About The River Cottage?

It's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And one of the funniest comedians on the circuit, if only to look at, it's Rufus Hound.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team, a comedian who does adverts for the Welsh Tourist Board.

I can't help thinking they should have got someone a little higher-profile,

maybe someone who hosts his own hit panel show.

Just throwing it out there. It's Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And one of the very best comedians in Britain.

She's talented, she's charming, witty, erudite and beautiful.

She also gets to write all her own introductions. It's Miranda Hart!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we begin as always with round one.

It's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with. It's up to the opposing team to sort truth from tosh.

Hugh is first up tonight. Hugh, would you reveal all, please?

Occasionally, as a treat, I put Marmite on my face and let my dog lick it off.

-Nice.

-Face.

-Face.

-Face.

And this is a treat for you or the dog?

-I see it as a treat for the dog.

-How does he see it?

Like many people, I don't...

-Apparently, also very much as a treat.

-What kind of dog, please?

She's a springer spaniel.

You say this is predominantly for the dog, you must enjoy it on some level,

cos that's quite an extreme activity to do just for a dog.

I've always liked having my face late by the family dog. Always.

Just the dog? Anyone else?

Well, cats have a raspy, sandpapery tongue and it's not nearly so nice.

Have you ever been caught in that awkward moment where you've Marmited up and someone's rung the door bell?

By members of the household, but not by strangers at the door.

Do dogs like Marmite?

Dolly does.

-I'm not sure that's a helpful line of inquiry, is it?

-Do dogs like...

-Course it's helpful!

-Is it a helpful line of inquiry?

-If all dogs hate Marmite, it can't be true.

I don't think there's anybody on the planet that could answer that properly.

You don't think there's anyone on the planet?

Who could answer the question "Do all dogs like Marmite?" No.

I don't want this to sound like a rebuke,

but what I was saying was whether anyone knew whether or not all dogs might HATE Marmite.

You'd know if all dogs hate it.

That's very much just the other side of the coin, in my book.

Why? No, no, no! This isn't a coin.

There's "dogs all hate Marmite," there's "dogs all like Marmite,"

or there's "dogs have a similar view to Marmite as humans do!"

What, love it or hate it?

Rhod, Rhod, as someone who's now in series four, you never get into conversations like this with David.

He always wins or wears you down, just don't do it.

-Surely, surely it is almost certainly true that some dogs will like Marmite and some won't?

-No.

-For example, I would say that no cats like baked beans.

-Would you?

No, no, no! I think you're wrong. You're definitely wrong about that.

For two hours, my cat got stuck in a fridge and genuinely ate a bowl of baked beans.

Genuine, I swear on my life.

How did the cat gets stuck in the fridge?

I don't know, it just leapt in when my mum opened it once.

And she didn't see a cat in the fridge?

No, she probably got some milk, the cat jumped in, shut.

She got the milk for the cat and then went "Where's the cat?

-"Have you seen the cat?"

-Maybe I'm wrong about cats and baked beans.

What I'm saying is there are some foods liked by many humans

that certain other species will never eat.

-All I'm saying is different species like different things...

-No.

You said that things that humans eat that all other animals wouldn't like...

We've got to learn to work together!

Well, in that case, you need to change your opinions.

This programme has taken on a tone of civil unrest.

I sense anarchy at the gates.

David, I'll caution you once.

Control your team.

I'm going to have to call in the UN.

I can no longer vouch for my team.

Excuse me, what have I done?

I feel like a supply teacher who's been parachuted into a problem school

and is finding it very difficult to cope.

Hugh, your original statement

was to do with the dog licking off your face.

Now, how often does this occur?

It's something I started doing as a kid

because it was a good way... That was several dogs...

Good way to what?

To get the family dog to lick my face.

So, David Mitchell, what are you saying? Truth or lie?

-Rhod, what do you think?

-Oh, no.

I think whatever my captain thinks, I will back him to the hilt.

Oh, my word!

Can I just say that he just touched David's leg in a slightly effeminate manner?

If that's what it takes to have them working as a team, Miranda, I'm happy.

That aura of sexual tension, is that what you're doing?

-Is THAT sexual tension?

-Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't like it.

Miranda, what do you think?

I think it is a lie, because he doesn't look that desperate for affection in his life.

It has to be a lie, David, otherwise there's something wrong with him.

-So you both think it's a lie?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-OK, we'll say lie.

-There's a lot riding on this one!

-So, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall?

It was a lie.

Thank God for that!

Yes, it was a lie.

Hugh does not put Marmite on his face and let his dog lick it off as a treat.

I once let a German shepherd lick Marmite off my face.

If you're watching, Jurgen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to end like that.

-Miranda, you're up next.

-Right.

I always test the temperature of my bath with my ear.

There we are. Lee?

What's wrong with the conventional elbow?

Well, two things, Hugh.

Firstly, it amuses me to test it with my ear.

And secondly, I'm a big fan of the bath and I like to get it right, and I think it's more sensitive.

I sometimes test food, the heat of food, by my ear as well.

Could you mime the process of how you put your ear in the bath?

-No, it's simply a question of kneeling at the bath, and I have quite high baths.

-Show us.

-How high from the top would you say the water goes?

-Well, probably about that much.

Right, so you're kneeling down?

And you can bend all the way over to get your ear in the bath without...

I'm quite tall! And I just get there relatively...

-You're quite bendy as well.

-I'm bendy. Hi, I'm tall and bendy.

This is when you put my mobile number at the bottom of the screen.

So I'm guessing like most normal people, you like a little bit of bubble bath and stuff.

So you're basically leaning over, you're going in head first through the bubble bath,

you're going through it, you're going through it, wait, wait,

and then suddenly you've hit it -

"Ooh, it's a bit hot" - you've come up, your face is full of suds,

and you go "I'll add a bit more cold to that."

And then you sit there and wait with your frothy face.

Is that what we're expected to believe?

Lee, do you usually have a bubble bath?

I didn't have you down as a bubble bath type?

To be fair, David, you probably didn't have me down as a bath type, did you?

-I can tell you that he's got an open fire in his bathroom.

-Yes.

Really?

And sometimes Miranda will come round and I'll say, "I'm not sure if that fire's too hot."

And she will turn...

Do you have one ear that's more sensitive than the other? Is it always the left, always the right?

It always has to be the left because of where the bath is.

-Are you right-handed?

-Yes.

-That makes sense, you see.

-What?

-I'm left-handed and I would go in with the right ear, you see.

I'm right-handed, but I would go with my right ear because the way my bathroom is, to go with my left ear,

I'd have to be turning my back to the taps when I did it,

and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

Because ultimately, the taps are responsible for the temperature,

so I want to be able to look them in the eye while I judge what they've done.

-You know those taps haven't actually got eyes, that's your reflection, don't you.

-Yeah, no, I know.

What are you going to say on this one, Lee? Is she telling the truth?

Honestly, Lee, the physics of this are all wrong.

If you're kneeling, it's your hips that you bend from,

otherwise your whole spine would have to be able to go over at 90 degrees.

-No, no, because it's genuinely really easy to do.

-Kneel down and show us roughly how it works.

-It's literally, so say the bath is...

-Can I be the bath?

The more the merrier!

So he's the bath. Say this is the water, that's quite low down.

That's convenient, isn't it, that perfect height?!

I can adjust it.

I'll be the bath. There's the water. Oh, a bit of ear. Got me.

-That was very well done.

-Thank you very much.

OK, Lee.

Hugh, what's your answer?

-Do you know what, until she did that I didn't believe it and now I do.

-I do as well.

-Now what do you think, Rufus?

-I still think it's a lie.

-Do you?

Ooh. I'll go with Hugh and say that's true.

True. OK. Miranda, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It was a

lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Miranda does not test the temperature of her bath with her ear. Rhod, you're next.

I once had a job where I had to answer the phone and say, "Hello, beef."

There we are. Lee's team, what do you think?

What was the job?

It was a job - it was an office job, where...

-An office job?

-Yeah, an office job. In an office. An office job.

I know what an office job is. The word "office" I'm not confused with, it's the beef that's getting me.

It was a Government department, where we dealt with beef and lamb and suckling cows.

So what was the Government department exactly, what were they doing?

It was the agricultural department of Welsh government.

So the kind of questions they would ask would be?

They'd say...

Well, it was all about... About identifying animals.

-Identifying them?

-Yeah.

So you go "Hello, beef," and they go,

"I'm looking at a big black and white animal, it's saying "moo," can you help me?"

"Ah, it's cow. I'm beef. Goodbye."

Either that or you might want to put them through to suckler cow, depends if it's male or female.

-What is a suckler cow?

-I don't know. I only worked in beef.

Which... Was this in Cardiff or something?

No, it was in west Wales.

-Was it in Carmarthen?

-Carmarthen.

-Kidwelly?

-Carmarthen.

-Haverfordwest?

-Carmarthen.

-Carmarthen?

You should work on the trains!

The Welsh office is in Cardiff, but the Welsh office agricultural department, WOAD, is in Carmarthen.

So farmers would ring you up and ask you questions...

Farmers would say, "Got an animal here and it needs identification", and we would give them...

-Identification?

-We would give them cattle identification documents.

-It was the CID department. CID. Cattle identification.

-Stop it!

I feel sick with confusion.

-I worked in CID.

-Oh, you worked in CID!

-Cattle identification.

-That makes sense, he worked for CID.

-There's been a moo-der.

Nice.

CID was cattle identification document,

so it's like a cow passport, and they'd ask us questions about that.

A cow passport?

They'd ring up and say "We've got a new cow in...town."

So you'd send out the official documentation.

They would tell me the animal's details and we would print up a CID.

-Because each one needed this. Everyone had to have this.

-Not everyone. Every cow.

-Oh, every cow. Yes.

-So, Lee, is he telling the truth?

Well, you know a lot about cows.

A little. I've rung up departments of DEFRA, and said "Hello", and they've said "Hello, beef".

-Yeah.

-And the whole WOAD thing, you wouldn't just come up with that.

Unless you were very quick and very clever.

-OK, we'll go with true.

-You're saying true.

Rhod, were you telling the truth?

It was

true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true, Rhod did once have a job where he had to ensure every cow had a passport.

It's hard enough getting them into the milking shed, let alone a photo booth.

So at the end of that round, David's team have three points and Lee's team have one.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This is Mine,

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Steve.

APPLAUSE

Welcome Steve. So, Hugh first of all, what is Steve to you?

This is my friend Steve,

who rescued me when I got stuck in a cave looking for bats.

Rufus?

This is my friend Steve,

and together we have visited every pub inside the M25 called the Red Lion,

apart from four of them.

Right. And Lee, how do you know Steve?

This is Steve, and we once went camping together when we were in the Scouts,

and we woke up to find that someone had stolen our tent.

David's team, where to begin?

So when was this camping trip, Lee?

This camping trip was, oh, I would have been about 13, 12, I think.

How old was Steve?

Steve was about, I don't know...

Ssssss...

13. He wasn't born, actually.

That's what made the whole thing awkward.

He was about seven. Seven or eight.

So you were 12 or 13?

He wasn't in the Scouts. He was just a seven-year-old you'd brought along.

This doesn't look good!

He was... The Cubs and the Scouts went together.

-He was in the Cubs, I was in the Scouts...

-And they issued every Scout with a Cub?

They did actually!

No way!

They put each young boy in with an older boy in each tent.

So where were you camping?

We were camping somewhere in the Lake District, I think it was called the Lake District.

-You woke up with no tent, is that what you said?

-Correct.

Went to sleep with a tent, woke up without a tent.

Do you know what happened to said tent?

Well, that's a good question. We don't know to this day what happened to said tent.

You never saw the tent again?

-You said it was stolen.

-Yes, I know it was stolen. We don't know what happened to it.

You don't think it might have blown away?

So you woke up, no tent, and you assumed foul play.

We weren't that deep asleep that there was a gale force wind going...

-Whooooo!

-You were deep enough that someone had stolen the tent!

There's something about wind that's different to burglars.

DAVID LAUGHS

"There's something about wind that's different to burglars."

Now there I agree with you.

Now if that was what you were asserting, that and that alone, I would say you were telling the truth.

However, there's more to this story.

Wind does not sneak up on you.

-Can I ask a question?

-Well...

Did this tent not have a built-in groundsheet?

No, it did not. Because otherwise it would have been "This is Steve and we were once kidnapped."

All right. I'm going to jump in here. David, please move on to somebody else.

All right.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that!

-Hugh's Batman. The Batcave.

-Where were you trapped in a cave?

-In Sri Lanka.

-Really?

What were you doing inside a cave?

Looking for bats.

-And what went wrong?

-It got dark.

Don't bats live in the dark?

Yes, but when I went into the cave there was quite a bit of sunlight coming into the entrance,

and actually going quite far into the cave.

I just sort of went as far as I thought was safe, but then the sun went over a ridge,

outside the cave, and it suddenly got very dark and I'd gone further into the cave than I thought.

But then Steve wandered past?

No...

Going, "Has anybody seen a tent?"

Steve actually heard me shouting for help.

Why were you looking for bats in a cave in Sri Lanka? To eat them?

Funny you should say that.

They'd had bat on the menu in the hotel and I was told they got them from this cave,

and out of curiosity I thought, "Well, I'll go and look."

I'd also heard they had a rather grim way of catching them,

which is to hang fish hooks down from the top of the cave.

-Did you go on your own?

-Yes.

And then, so you called for help and Steve was walking past the entrance?

Steve, lovely guy, was staying at the hotel and he heard my cries for help.

Why do they catch bats with a line? Why don't they just spray them with something?

Or just go in with a machine gun?

I think it rather ruins the integrity of the individual bat,

as a starter or main course, to have a couple of machine gun bullets through it.

You can machine-gun a zebra, it doesn't really spoil it. But bat...

So David, what about Rufus's claim, the whole pub thing?

Which are the four Red Lions that you've not been to, where are they?

I don't remember.

-He can't find them.

-You know there are four exactly?

Yes, we got a list of all the pubs called the Red Lion,

and then we went to visit all of them, and I know that there were four we did not go and visit.

Did you go to one on South Ealing Road?

Opposite Ealing Studios?

Yes.

-When did you do this?

-Fair enough!

-No further questions!

-Was this like a mission, a bet, or...?

Yeah, we just, we came up with it as an idea cos we knew there were a lot of them,

and we thought it would be good to visit all of them.

In a period of time?

Yeah, over a week.

A week?!

-How many are there?

-Wow.

There's about 46.

You went to 42. You visited 42 Red Lions with Steve in one week.

-Yeah.

-How do you know Steve?

Through AA.

-We went to school together.

-Right.

So, David's team, is Steve Hugh's cave man, Rufus's pub crawler or Lee's camping friend?

Lee is definitely the least believable.

-The rest of you were quite believable.

-Yeah.

No, I don't believe Rufus at all. Rufus has got a bit of edge to him.

Steve looks so sweet and presentable, I don't think he'd be in this weird Rufus world.

He does look sweet, just like a little cub.

-Well, for me, I'm believing Hugh.

-I am too. I believe Hugh.

Am I even getting a look in here?

No, and obviously if it turns out you're true, then super.

-You're saying it's Hugh.

-His bat saviour.

OK. So, Steve.

Would you please reveal your true identity?

Well, I'm Steve.

I'm Rufus's best friend,

and together we visited all of the pubs call the Red Lion inside the M25, apart from four.

APPLAUSE

Steve, everybody.

At the end of that round, David's team have four points, Lee's team have two.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie through their teeth against the clock,

and we start with...

It's David.

-Possession.

-OK.

-Out with the box.

-If this is my bloody tent...

-This is the...

-I'll hold it for you.

-Thank you.

This is the cricket ball with which I bowled out Jeremy Clarkson at a charity cricket match.

-There we are.

-What sort of ball was it?

-Can we see the ball?

-Was it a leg spin?

-Don't give him multiple choices!

No, it was just sort of medium pace.

Ready?

What are you expecting to see?

A couple of things. Firstly, how long ago was this charity match?

It was two years ago, I think.

-Cos that...

-Are you checking the serial number?

No, I was looking to see how bashed around it was,

where the splits were, if it looked like it had been hit.

Don't eat it!

-Can you show us your bowling action, David?

-Yes, all right.

-Start with a good catch.

-Watch out, Miranda!

Whoa!

APPLAUSE

Blimey!

Can I just point out the inadvertent sexism that just happened?

Basically, a girl caught something,

and before any of you had a chance to think whether that might be patronising you went...

Let's see the action then.

-All right. My bowling action.

-Don't throw the ball.

No, no, I would bowl it, wouldn't I, but no, I won't let go. It's like that.

Seems to have the action.

What score was he on when you bowled him?

I think about 12.

And did he run between them or just jump in his Jag?

Which other popular celebrities were there?

Nicholas Parsons was there.

You've got a whole team.

You've got quite a lot to go still!

And I think that... Everyone wasn't a celebrity.

-So people were buying tickets to watch this game and it was going towards charity?

-Yeah.

And the draw was, Jeremy Clarkson, David Mitchell and Nicholas Parsons, £20 a ticket, yeah?

That must have been a pretty golden ticket to get hold of, is that right?

So what are you going to say, Lee, is he telling the truth or not?

-Well...

-I really don't think he is.

-You DON'T think he is?

No, because it doesn't appear to be a ball that was used for that purpose.

-What do you think, Hugh?

-I think it might be true, actually.

You think it's a lie, you think it's true.

I think it's a lie.

You say it's a lie.

David, were you telling the truth or was it a lie?

It is a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, David did not bowl out Jeremy Clarkson at a charity cricket match.

Of course it's a lie. I mean, given the chance to hurl a cricket ball towards Jeremy Clarkson,

who among us could honestly say they'd aim at the stumps?

Next it's Lee.

Looking forward to this.

I trained for last year's Paris marathon

but pulled out when a doctor advised me that one of my legs is shorter than the other.

-David's team, what do you think?

-Why did you train for the PARIS marathon?

Because I couldn't get into the London Marathon.

-Why?

-One leg shorter than the other?

Because it was full.

-What time of year is the Paris marathon?

-Er, about April.

About the same time as the London Marathon, then.

Are they on the same day? Do they clash? How embarrassing!

What do you mean, the London Marathon was full? There was a man dressed as a pig.

That doesn't mean he's a man who's dressed as a pig that hasn't applied early.

-They weren't going "We can't get enough people, go and rope some pigs into it."

-"Hello, pig?"

"Yeah, we'll send one down. We'll send one down, no problem."

What made you go to the doctor? Did you have an injury, did you feel pain?

I did, I felt pain during the training and I said...

-Where was the pain?

-In my leg.

Is it not possible for people who have uneven legs to get shoes that compensate for that?

-That's right. He said that, he gave me that.

-Why wasn't that fine then?

When your leg's different, your whole body adjusts to make up for it, and it was so different...

It would have to be like a stiletto and a trainer.

He said "I'll give you the thing to put in your shoe,

"which will help you do some regular exercise, but your marathon days are over."

David, do you think he's telling the truth?

-Lie.

-Why?

-Oh, I believe it.

Thank you, Miranda.

So, truth from Miranda. Lie from David.

I think it could be true, but I think if he'd really wanted to do it you could have done it.

All right, I'll rephrase it, OK?

"I trained for the Paris marathon but pulled out when a doctor said one leg's longer than the other.

-"He said "if you tried hard you'd probably do it", but I'm a lazy bastard."

-True.

True.

So we're saying lie.

Your team says lie. OK. Lee, are you telling the truth or is it a lie?

It is in fact true.

Told you!

Yes, it's true. Lee did train for last year's Paris marathon

but pulled out when a doctor advised him that one of his legs is shorter than the other.

Actually I have completely the opposite problem, one of my legs is longer than the other.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show,

and I can tell you that in a very narrow victory

-Lee's team have triumphed by five points to four.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game, and my individual liar of the week is...

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Thank you.

Yes, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall,

who hasn't served up such a variety of porky pies since his last TV show.

Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]