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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to a very special edition

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of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You?

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Joining Lee Mack tonight, Alex Jones, Jim Carter, Bob Mortimer,

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Miranda Hart, Alexander Armstrong, Kate Humble, Miles Jupp,

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Diane Parish, Dr Christian Jessen, Armando Iannucci and Clare Balding.

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And joining David Mitchell tonight, Jack Whitehall, Richard Madeley,

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Gabby Logan, Greg Davis, Richard Osman, Mel Giedroyc,

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Andy Hamilton, Chris Tarrant, Richard Bacon and Dale Winton.

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And so we begin with Round One, it's Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement

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from the card in front of them.

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To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

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so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.

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It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,

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and, Richard, you are first up.

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My family don't have a swear jar,

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we have a bore jar.

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Whenever a Madeley says something dull,

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they have to stick a quid in it.

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Blimey, have you got a change machine at home?

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LAUGHTER

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What do you think, Lee, the Madeley bore jar, could it be true?

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Well, um...

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Yeah, we'll go with true.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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OK, are all the family members included in this?

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-It's a compulsory family scheme, yeah.

-OK.

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And who would you say... We know the answer, but we'll ask it anyway...

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-LAUGHTER

-Who would you say

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has given the most to the jar?

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-Well, me, obviously.

-You've given the most.

-Yeah.

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-And what do you do with the money?

-Well, I keep it.

-YOU keep it?

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-It's my system and it's my jar.

-It's your money!

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And it's mostly my money, so I tend to keep it.

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So basically, there's a jar full of money that you've put in, that you take all the money out and keep.

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That is so boring, get a quid in it.

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-LAUGHTER

-Is it only family?

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If I came to your house and was just my usual self, would I have to start overloading it?

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Well, for example, if you came in and started talking about Not Going Out,

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-obviously, you'd have to put a quid in.

-Ooh.

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-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Trust me, if I was in your house,

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-I wouldn't be talking about NOT going out.

-LAUGHTER

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Do you remember the last time you put a - you, not poor Jack or Chloe or long-suffering Judy,

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the last time that you put a pound in that jar, what was it for?

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I was reading something about fiscal policy out of the Financial Times,

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and Judy said, after about three seconds, "jar".

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Maybe she was agreeing with you in German.

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LAUGHTER

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What do you think, Lee Mack?

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Miles.

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-I think this is true.

-Do you?

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Yeah, but I do find... I find Richard intrinsically believable.

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LAUGHTER

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-So you think Richard's telling the truth. Kate?

-I think it's complete rubbish.

-You think it's a lie?

-Yeah.

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-I'm going to say not true.

-Going to say it's a lie.

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-Richard, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

-Well, I'm afraid the answer is deeply boring.

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I lied.

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APPLAUSE

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Bob, you're next.

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I have a didgeridoo suspended from a tree in my back garden

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so that when the wind blows in a particular direction,

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it parps soothing sounds of the outback into my bedroom window.

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LAUGHTER

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-David's team, what do you think?

-Parps soothing sounds of the outback?

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Yes.

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What a poetic way of putting it.

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Thank you.

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-Um...

-Do you genuinely believe that

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that particular instrument makes a parp?

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How would you describe it, Greg?

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Er-ar er-ar, er-ar...

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LAUGHTER

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-LEE:

-All do it, audience!

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And how soothed do you feel?

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Right, everyone stop parping.

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I get this every night in my house, please!

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Where is it, Bob, it's in a tree?

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-Yeah.

-And you've made a conscious decision to put it in the tree?

-Yeah.

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I thought you said it was hanging from a tree?

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What it is is, it's trapped in a V, I think. Is there a name for that area of a tree,

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-is it called the Clooney or something?

-A Clooney?

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LAUGHTER

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What's the... George Clooney's holding a didgeridoo

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up a tree in his garden, why don't you believe this?

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This part of your finger there is called the Clooney.

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-Is it?

-So I'm assuming...

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I never knew that.

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That's why I said Clooney. Where it... And it's wedged there.

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-It's wedged in the tree's V.

-Yes.

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It's wedged horizontally in the tree's V facing south east,

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-which is the prevailing wind where

-I

-live.

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Where do you live, not Britain?

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-Britain.

-No, the prevailing wind in Britain is south westerly.

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It doesn't happen every night.

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-Right.

-LAUGHTER

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So tell us what this sound does for you, then.

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You're lying in bed at night and you've had a lovely day,

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you're just settling down, and you hear...

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MAKES DIDGERIDOO NOISE

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..and then what, what sort of, what happens to you?

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I'm soothed.

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And the mind is soothed. Do you know you get things that will do the same thing to, say, your throat?

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Yes.

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It does it to the mind.

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What if your brain's fine? You don't want to hear that every time it's windy.

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-You're always soothing your brain, that's what sleep is.

-Hence the success of the pillow.

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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-GREG:

-Can I just say though, Bob,

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I've been led to believe by out-of-work hippies over the years

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-that the didgeridoo is an incredibly difficult instrument to play.

-Yeah.

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And yet it would appear that all one has to do is to pass air through it.

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LAUGHTER

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No, well, you have to position it correctly,

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just as you would have to over your mouth.

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I've done that by utilising the Clooney in the tree.

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You're using the Clooney of a tree as human lips?

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LAUGHTER

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Even to get any kind of noise out of a didgeridoo,

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the Clooney - which doesn't exist - on Bob's tree...

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PATSY LAUGHS

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..would have to be flesh-like,

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-cos an Aboriginal doesn't just go...

-EXHALES HARD

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..through it. Cos it's not just wind, they use their lips.

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Very good point, very good point.

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LAUGHTER

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Just coming up this time of year, I'll admit it's a lot better.

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In fact, I have a wisteria that grows through the didgeridoo.

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DAVID LAUGHS

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Of course!

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-And when the wisteria comes into leaf...

-Yeah.

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..not only does it pipe the wind towards the didgeridoo,

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but it acts as the lips.

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LAUGHTER

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It's long been said that if the wind blows in the right direction through wisteria,

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it can play any instrument in the world.

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LAUGHTER

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It's time to decide, David.

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-OK, we need to make a guess.

-What are you going to say?

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Um...

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I think it's a lie.

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Of course it's a lie.

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-We think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie.

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Well, Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

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I was lying.

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APPLAUSE

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Christian, you're next.

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For a prank,

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I once set a friend's legs in plaster casts while he slept.

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LAUGHTER

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David Mitchell's team.

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Do you get to take those materials home with you, then, when you're at medical school, or when you're...?

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-We're not supposed to...

-Right, were you at medical school at the time?

-..but we do. This would have been...

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-Did you say was he at medical school?

-At the time.

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-Oh, right, yeah.

-No, I am not...

-I thought you were accusing him!

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-ANDY:

-Christian, why did you play this prank on your friend?

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Because he'd got blind drunk, as only medical students can do.

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And he was drunk as you were putting the plaster cast on him, or...?

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-He'd actually passed out by that stage.

-Right.

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-He was sleeping.

-Was it...

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Can you get struck off for this?

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-No.

-Oh, right.

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LAUGHTER

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-Anyone?

-Presumably, you had to have a plan, didn't you?

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You didn't just happen to chance upon the plaster casting equipment.

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Um...

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We decided we were going to plaster him from his ankles

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all the way up to his hips, with his legs apart like that.

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LAUGHTER

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He never woke up the whole time you're touching him?

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And presumably, right the way up to the top of his groin.

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Have you ever drunk 19 pints of cider?

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-Yes.

-All right.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you first take his trousers down?

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We did, yeah.

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Oh, the humiliation.

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-Did you take his underpants off as well?

-No, we left the undies on.

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And you said, "we". Who were the accomplices here?

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I had mates that were involved.

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Name them.

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-Matthew, Mark...

-Luke and John?

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LAUGHTER

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Is that the gospel now, or are you...

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-Gospel.

-Gospel.

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-Andy, did you miss that? I said, is that the gospel?

-Yeah, yeah.

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I didn't miss it, Rob.

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LAUGHTER

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And when he woke up, what was his reaction?

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He thought he'd had a stroke.

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-Because he couldn't even...

-Move his legs.

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-DAVID: That's very bad self-diagnosis.

-Aah. Poor fella!

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LAUGHTER

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-David, what are you thinking?

-Um... Andy?

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I think the medical student thing, knowing how their minds work,

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I think it might be true.

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And you're edging towards...?

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I did think it was a lie, and now I think it might be true.

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OK, we'll say it's true.

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Say it's true. All right, Dr Christian, were you telling the truth,

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or were you telling a lie?

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-It is true.

-Well done.

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Xander, you're next.

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Last year, I was amused to discover that in one weekend,

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I'd had a curry with Andy Murray,

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been bowling with JK Rowling...

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LAUGHTER

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..and attended an odd party with Todd Carty.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So, David, what do you think?

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Well, what a weekend that was!

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What was odd about the party?

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Where do I begin?

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LAUGHTER

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Er, the first indication that it was an odd party...

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There were chicken wings that were brought around, for example,

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that everybody dived on,

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and it was only when we'd eaten most of the plate when somebody went,

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"Mmm, mmm..." and then, "This is still quite red,"

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and we all noticed

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that actually, nothing had really been cooked at all.

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So we were all, er... We were all dicing with salmonella.

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Erm...

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There was a husband and wife there who had the most enormous row...

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-I mean, it's just, it was a very odd...

-So a row and disappointing food.

-Yes, disappointing.

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This is a normal party.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm fascinated with the bowling with Rowling.

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Was it the sort of bowling which ladies of a certain age in white do in parks?

0:11:060:11:10

-No, sir.

-Or was it ten pin, three fingers in the old, and...?

0:11:100:11:14

-Ten pin, three fingers, yes.

-Ten pin and three fingers.

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LAUGHTER

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-Did you have to change from your normal shoes...

-You bet.

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-..into the red, white and blue...

-Yes.

-..sort of comedy bowling shoes?

0:11:220:11:25

No, we had purple shoes. This was the livery of this rather chic...

0:11:250:11:28

-It was posh.

-..bowling place.

0:11:280:11:30

-It was a posh place.

-Where was the chic bowling place?

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-Yeah!

-The chic bowling place was in London's Bayswater.

-Oh, I've been there.

0:11:330:11:36

-LEE:

-I've been there.

-MEL:

-Are the shoes purple?

0:11:360:11:38

-LEE:

-That's where JK Rowling goes. That one.

0:11:380:11:40

-The Rowling alley, as they... MEL:

-What's Jo...

-LAUGHTER

0:11:410:11:45

-Let's cut back...

-Yeah.

-..to Murray and curry.

-The curry.

0:11:450:11:49

We were in this rather large curry house in Milton Keynes.

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-CHRIS:

-Milton Keynes!

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Why were you in Milton Keynes in a large curry house?

0:11:540:11:57

-MEL:

-Yes. Exactly.

-CHRIS:

-With Andy Murray.

0:11:570:11:59

-Yeah.

-MEL:

-Exactly.

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It was a charity event,

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after which we went, we repaired,

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to a sort of mini Taj Mahal building in Milton Keynes.

0:12:040:12:09

At another table, though, three people,

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who'd been sitting there for quite a long time, we hadn't noticed,

0:12:120:12:15

eventually we spotted were Andy Murray, Mrs Murray,

0:12:150:12:18

and someone who I can only imagine was his agent.

0:12:180:12:22

-And...

-Right.

-..we, er, after a little while, obviously,

0:12:220:12:25

felt we'd better go and tell him he was Andy Murray.

0:12:250:12:28

-So you went and talked to him?

-Well, only to tell him he was Andy Murray.

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LAUGHTER

0:12:310:12:32

-So what are you going to say, David?

-Well, I'm...

0:12:320:12:34

-Is this true?

-..stuck, you see. What do you think, Chris?

0:12:340:12:37

Well, he's just got a little shifty little face, hasn't he?

0:12:370:12:39

LAUGHTER

0:12:390:12:41

So you think basically it's a lie?

0:12:420:12:44

I think basically it's a lie.

0:12:440:12:46

-MEL:

-You know, Xander's a man about town,

0:12:460:12:48

-he's quite, "Hello..." You know, I can imagine when the...

-LAUGHTER

0:12:480:12:51

I can imagine him in the purple bowling shoes and the, you know, the...

0:12:510:12:56

Andy Murray, I can imagine that. At a party with uncooked chicken wings and Todd Carty...

0:12:560:13:02

I can't, I don't know.

0:13:020:13:04

-I think it's probably a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie.

0:13:040:13:06

Xander. Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

0:13:060:13:09

It is, in fact...

0:13:090:13:10

a lie.

0:13:100:13:11

Oh!

0:13:110:13:13

APPLAUSE

0:13:130:13:14

-BUZZER

-It's David.

0:13:140:13:16

Once a week, I love to eat a full English breakfast,

0:13:180:13:21

but can only do so if I am entirely stripped to the waist.

0:13:210:13:25

LAUGHTER

0:13:250:13:27

-Lee's team, what do you think?

-Hmm, once a week, you say?

0:13:290:13:32

-Yeah.

-Any particular day of the week?

0:13:320:13:34

At the weekend, usually a Saturday or a Sunday.

0:13:340:13:37

-I know what the weekend is, David.

-Mmm-hmm.

-DIANE:

-Do you cook it?

0:13:370:13:40

Do you cook it in that state of undress, or do you get undressed once it's cooked?

0:13:400:13:43

I... I get undressed once it's cooked.

0:13:430:13:46

LAUGHTER

0:13:460:13:47

Only... I mean, there's a limit to the amount of undressing required,

0:13:470:13:52

I mean, I take my top off.

0:13:520:13:54

Boxers, or...?

0:13:540:13:55

-No, it's...

-I think it's waist up, I think he said.

0:13:550:13:58

-Oh!

-Yes.

-Waist up.

0:13:580:13:59

It would be odd if he had a breakfast...

0:13:590:14:02

and from the waist down, he stripped naked.

0:14:020:14:03

That would be odd if you went round to his house, said, "Thank you, David, for the sausage and beans."

0:14:030:14:07

"We're not done yet."

0:14:070:14:08

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

0:14:080:14:10

No, that's...

0:14:100:14:11

Get them off.

0:14:110:14:12

Are none of you going to ask why?

0:14:140:14:16

-CHRISTIAN:

-I'm about to ask.

-GABBY:

-Oh, good.

0:14:160:14:18

What on God's earth function does taking your top off

0:14:180:14:22

play in this breakfast?

0:14:220:14:24

-In many ways, I've lost a lot of self respect...

-You have.

0:14:240:14:27

..over the years, and sometimes, I like to wallow in that.

0:14:270:14:31

LAUGHTER In that case, we think it's true.

0:14:310:14:34

LAUGHTER

0:14:340:14:35

I do find there's a certain amount of splatter

0:14:350:14:39

involved in the eating of a full English breakfast.

0:14:390:14:42

Is this getting sexual?

0:14:420:14:44

Not from my point of view.

0:14:440:14:46

LAUGHTER

0:14:460:14:47

Is this on your own, or would someone join you?

0:14:490:14:51

I... More usually, on my own, but I wouldn't...

0:14:510:14:55

-ROB LAUGHS

-Would you like someone to join you?

0:14:550:14:58

-I don't think so, really.

-I'm not offering.

0:14:580:15:00

LAUGHTER

0:15:000:15:02

Can I ask a question? Gabby, do you like a fried breakfast?

0:15:020:15:05

LAUGHTER

0:15:050:15:06

-David is this...

-Hang on.

-Sorry.

0:15:090:15:12

LAUGHTER

0:15:120:15:13

Is this for practical reasons, as you say, just to stop the splashing,

0:15:130:15:18

or is it a lovely sense of liberation?

0:15:180:15:21

I think it's partly practical.

0:15:220:15:25

Partly, yes, of course, you feel closer to nature.

0:15:250:15:29

LAUGHTER

0:15:290:15:31

So what are you thinking, Lee, what are you going to say, is he telling the truth here?

0:15:310:15:35

-Christian, what do you think, do you eat with your clothes on?

-I do, I do.

0:15:350:15:38

You don't strip off for any reason to do with eating?

0:15:380:15:41

No, not really.

0:15:410:15:42

Do you think he does?

0:15:420:15:43

LAUGHTER

0:15:450:15:46

Having got to know David during the course of this evening,

0:15:460:15:50

I rather suspect he does.

0:15:500:15:52

LAUGHTER

0:15:520:15:54

Diane, do you?

0:15:560:15:57

Do I? No, I do not, no.

0:15:570:15:59

-No, I mean...

-Oh! Sorry.

-I was going to say do you believe... LAUGHTER

0:15:590:16:02

I was going to say do you believe it? I wasn't taking the opportunity to go, do you have fry-ups,

0:16:020:16:06

do you want to come round my house, will you take your top off?

0:16:060:16:08

-I wasn't going to say that.

-Of course not.

-I was thinking it. I was absolutely thinking it.

0:16:080:16:12

I'd never've said it out loud, but now you've brought it up... Do you want to come round on Sunday?

0:16:120:16:16

I've got Birds Eye Potato Waffles.

0:16:160:16:18

LAUGHTER

0:16:180:16:20

-Do you think David is telling the truth, or do you...?

-I think he's telling the truth.

0:16:210:16:25

-I think David's a well brought up, educated chap.

-Yes.

0:16:250:16:28

He'd never do anything quite so stupid.

0:16:280:16:30

-Never. He'd have breakfast in a bow tie.

-So it's not true.

0:16:300:16:32

-I'm on lie now, yeah.

-OK. We have to go with lie, then.

-You're going to say lie.

0:16:320:16:36

-David, truth or lie?

-Please don't be true.

0:16:360:16:39

It is a lie.

0:16:390:16:40

-Thank God for that.

-APPLAUSE

0:16:400:16:44

Next, it's Jim.

0:16:440:16:46

After being knocked unconscious by a Frisbee for three days,

0:16:460:16:50

I could only speak in a thick Scottish accent.

0:16:500:16:53

LAUGHTER

0:16:530:16:56

-David's team.

-Oh...

0:16:560:16:58

Bit harsh, though, just cos you're Scottish, doesn't mean you're thick, does it?

0:16:580:17:02

LAUGHTER

0:17:020:17:04

So what was the occasion of being hit by the Frisbee?

0:17:040:17:07

I was playing with my daughter and her friends,

0:17:070:17:09

and we were playing Frisbee, you know,

0:17:090:17:11

with a bunch of people, and this young lad just let it go,

0:17:110:17:14

and it just caught me right on the side of the head.

0:17:140:17:17

-Er...

-Did you pass out first?

-Well, I... No, I... Well, I don't know, really.

0:17:170:17:21

I went sort of strange and I had to sit down,

0:17:210:17:25

but I don't think I physically...

0:17:250:17:26

So you sat down, feeling a bit dizzy.

0:17:260:17:28

-Head between my knees.

-You sat down and at some point, someone asked,

0:17:280:17:31

how are you feeling? And you found yourself answering...

0:17:310:17:34

I think I said, "I'll tak' the high road

0:17:340:17:36

"and you tak' the low road and I'll..." And that was...

0:17:360:17:40

Was it just the voice,

0:17:400:17:41

or for the next three days, did you not eat lettuce and loathe the English as well?

0:17:410:17:45

LAUGHTER

0:17:450:17:46

-ARMANDO:

-Some of us do eat lettuce.

-Yeah.

0:17:460:17:49

In fact, I went up to the, erm, the Accident and Emergency,

0:17:500:17:54

and somebody there when they met me, and was convinced by my wife,

0:17:540:17:57

who took me there, that I wasn't Scottish, said...

0:17:570:18:00

tried to calm me down and said, "It will go away."

0:18:000:18:02

Your wife needed to be there to persuade, just to say, "I'm sorry, he's not really Scottish."

0:18:020:18:06

Cos they get a lot of people who are just Scottish but want to be cured.

0:18:060:18:10

LAUGHTER

0:18:100:18:11

Frisbees are dangerous things.

0:18:110:18:13

I took my son out, my oldest son, when he was about five or six,

0:18:130:18:17

to a field area - a field - and I said...

0:18:170:18:20

LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:21

..I said, "Stand there, we are going to enjoy the Frisbee."

0:18:210:18:25

So he stood over there...

0:18:250:18:26

-I wish you were my dad!

-And I...

0:18:260:18:29

LAUGHTER

0:18:290:18:30

What I hadn't told him was that he was meant to catch the Frisbee.

0:18:300:18:34

So he stood there full of the trust of a trusting son, like that,

0:18:340:18:38

and I did a great throw...

0:18:380:18:42

You know when you straighten the arm, so it goes...?

0:18:420:18:44

And it went, "Tssh," and he looked at it with a lovely innocent face...

0:18:440:18:50

-LAUGHTER

-..and it went, "Bang!"

0:18:500:18:53

There. And blood went, "Psh!"

0:18:530:18:56

And the shock on his face that his father had done this to him.

0:18:560:19:00

LAUGHTER

0:19:000:19:02

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"What the hell have you done, you idiot?!"

0:19:030:19:06

LAUGHTER

0:19:060:19:07

-So what are you thinking, David?

-Well, I...

0:19:070:19:11

-EMILY:

-Oh, totally true.

0:19:110:19:12

Well, I... Well, this is my concern.

0:19:120:19:15

Jim has very reasonably been reticent

0:19:150:19:17

about doing a Scottish accent in this bit of the game.

0:19:170:19:20

I suspect, and maybe I'm wrong, and Jim can prove me wrong, or otherwise.

0:19:200:19:24

But I don't think that he necessarily

0:19:240:19:28

does a very convincing Scottish accent.

0:19:280:19:30

-Ooh...

-Jim Carter can't do a Scottish accent?

0:19:300:19:34

Well, because lots of people can't do various accents,

0:19:340:19:37

lots of very good actors can't do certain accents.

0:19:370:19:39

And I think it would be unlikely that the accent you'd get if concussed

0:19:390:19:43

would be one that you couldn't previously do.

0:19:430:19:45

-I disagree with that entirely.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

0:19:450:19:48

Well, get your own team.

0:19:480:19:50

LAUGHTER

0:19:500:19:52

Just give us a little taste of this voice, if you can use the great...

0:19:530:19:57

-Use your tool, your great actor's tool...

-My tool, yes.

0:19:570:20:00

..to give us a little bit of this voice.

0:20:000:20:02

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't... I don't feel very well,

0:20:020:20:05

I think I'm a bit, a bit woozy.

0:20:050:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:08

That's lovely, isn't it?

0:20:080:20:09

It's Radio 4, it's Saturday afternoon, it's a play.

0:20:090:20:11

All right, so, David, truth or lie, what are you going to say?

0:20:110:20:14

Um, what do you think?

0:20:140:20:16

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-I'll take the hit.

-I think it might be true.

0:20:160:20:20

I... Well...

0:20:200:20:21

OK, I think we're going to say it's true, then.

0:20:210:20:25

Jim Carter, were you telling the truth or were you lying?

0:20:250:20:27

Er...

0:20:270:20:29

I was telling a lie.

0:20:290:20:30

-Oh...

-APPLAUSE

0:20:300:20:32

Who'd have thought that?

0:20:320:20:35

Erm... Next.

0:20:350:20:37

-BUZZER

-It's Lee.

0:20:370:20:38

I got stuck for half an hour in a men's toilet

0:20:400:20:43

because I couldn't find the door.

0:20:430:20:45

LAUGHTER

0:20:450:20:46

So where was this men's toilet?

0:20:470:20:50

-Next to the ladies'.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:500:20:52

Were you on your own?

0:20:520:20:54

Yes.

0:20:540:20:55

LAUGHTER

0:20:550:20:57

And where was the...?

0:20:570:20:58

-Apart from somebody singing some Wham! song, I don't know who he was.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:580:21:02

And where was this ladies' toilet that it was next to?

0:21:030:21:07

It was in the place I worked at, which was a bingo hall.

0:21:070:21:10

RICHARD: And so presumably, you'd managed to find the door on the way in?

0:21:100:21:13

-No.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:130:21:16

Without being facetious.

0:21:160:21:17

Oh, I didn't do THAT.

0:21:170:21:19

You found the door.

0:21:190:21:20

I stood up...

0:21:200:21:21

LAUGHTER

0:21:210:21:23

You found the door on the way in.

0:21:250:21:27

I did find the door on the way in.

0:21:270:21:29

You took a number one, number two?

0:21:290:21:31

No, I walked, I didn't get a bus.

0:21:310:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:34

-You've popped into the toilet.

-Yes.

0:21:360:21:39

It doesn't really matter what you've gone to do.

0:21:390:21:41

Well, I think what does matter is whether or not he'd gone into a cubicle,

0:21:410:21:44

-or was just approaching a urinal.

-Yes, that's a good question.

-And how long it took you.

0:21:440:21:48

Given you'd just walked through the door that then you couldn't find.

0:21:480:21:51

-Walked in the door, I went to the urinal...

-Yeah.

0:21:510:21:53

The door closed,

0:21:530:21:55

and then I'm now stuck in that toilet for half an hour.

0:21:550:21:58

Why was it that you couldn't find the door once it had closed?

0:21:580:22:02

Because I went in, and it was late at night,

0:22:020:22:04

and the building had started to shut down,

0:22:040:22:07

and so I went in,

0:22:070:22:08

and just as I got to the urinal, the last bit of the door closes,

0:22:080:22:12

and it's now as pitch black as you can possibly imagine.

0:22:120:22:15

The other bit to the story I've not mentioned

0:22:150:22:17

is that I was absolutely hammered.

0:22:170:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:20

And so... So I started getting a bit confused.

0:22:200:22:24

I went back to what I thought was the middle of the room,

0:22:240:22:26

I'm drunk, but now I've lost all bearings...

0:22:260:22:29

-DAVID LAUGHS

-And so I felt my...

-I wish...

0:22:290:22:31

I really wish this was on infra-red somewhere.

0:22:310:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:35

I was... There was a guy with a video camera, the Wham! guy, funnily enough.

0:22:350:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:40

And eventually, a door opened, cos someone came looking for me,

0:22:400:22:43

and as the door opened, I realised I'd lost my bearings so much

0:22:430:22:46

that I just... Every time I'd gone round, I'd missed the door.

0:22:460:22:49

I think that this is true.

0:22:490:22:52

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

-I'm not sure, I think it's where he worked,

0:22:520:22:56

-and I think there's going to be some light bleeding around a door, isn't there?

-Do you...

0:22:560:22:59

-You don't think it's true?

-No, but if you both do...

0:22:590:23:02

It's definitely unlikely, but all the things are unlikely.

0:23:020:23:05

You think it's unlike Lee?

0:23:050:23:07

-LAUGHTER

-Unlike...

0:23:070:23:08

I just... I don't know, I just think it's true,

0:23:090:23:12

and I think it's well told if it isn't.

0:23:120:23:15

-All right, so it's true.

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:23:150:23:17

Lee, truth or lie?

0:23:170:23:18

It is in fact true.

0:23:180:23:20

APPLAUSE

0:23:200:23:22

Clare Balding.

0:23:240:23:26

To win a bet, I presented a three-minute piece to camera,

0:23:260:23:29

live from Royal Ascot, in a full-length evening gown,

0:23:290:23:32

with Willie Carson concealed beneath my skirts.

0:23:320:23:35

LAUGHTER

0:23:350:23:37

For people that aren't sure, here's a picture.

0:23:370:23:39

LAUGHTER

0:23:390:23:41

There we are.

0:23:410:23:42

-Whose idea was the bet?

-The director.

0:23:420:23:44

We've come off air, I put on the long ballgown, Willie waits...

0:23:440:23:48

He stands on a box when he's presenting with me normally.

0:23:480:23:51

Obviously, to fit under my skirts, he didn't.

0:23:510:23:53

In fact, he knelt, and he was quiet as a mouse, he was very good.

0:23:530:23:57

LAUGHTER

0:23:570:23:58

No-one's said it yet, I wanted to say it.

0:23:580:24:00

What, sorry, Miranda, what was that?

0:24:000:24:03

I wanted to say there was a Willie under her skirt.

0:24:030:24:05

LAUGHTER

0:24:050:24:07

Now it's out there, now it's out there.

0:24:080:24:10

-I'd like to request someone more mature on my team.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:100:24:13

-DAVID:

-I mean, I know Willie Carson is not a burly man...

0:24:130:24:16

-No, he's...

-But I still think, that must be quite a substantial dress.

0:24:160:24:21

It was a very, you know, like...

0:24:210:24:24

As you sometimes get in costume dramas. It didn't have the hoops, but it had a very full skirt.

0:24:240:24:28

-But how did he get in, though? Were you stood there?

-I stood...

0:24:280:24:31

-Did you go, "Come on, Willie"?

-LAUGHTER

0:24:310:24:33

Well, he crawled along on the ground and then knelt under there,

0:24:340:24:38

and it's a three-minute piece, so the first two minutes was absolutely fine,

0:24:380:24:41

and on I went, and rattled on about normal racing stuff,

0:24:410:24:43

and then he started to giggle, and that's what gave it away,

0:24:430:24:46

-but because we got two of the three minutes, the bet was won.

-Recreate the piece to camera.

0:24:460:24:49

OK, so I stand there and I say, "Hello and welcome to Royal Ascot,

0:24:490:24:53

"we've had a stunning first day here with a win for Frankie Dettori.

0:24:530:24:55

"We saw his flying dismount..."

0:24:550:24:57

And then this first squeak then,

0:24:570:24:58

from Willie... He goes... SHE SQUEAKS

0:24:580:25:00

Cos he's got a very high laugh.

0:25:000:25:01

And I, like, smacked him and said, stop.

0:25:010:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:05

-Is this why Channel Four have got the horse racing?

-Probably.

0:25:060:25:09

-Right, David, what do you think?

-What do you think, Dale?

0:25:090:25:12

Do you know, I'm really beginning to believe

0:25:120:25:15

that she'd have done it for a prank.

0:25:150:25:16

I think it was an excellent acting performance,

0:25:160:25:20

but I believe it to be a lie.

0:25:200:25:21

Oh, you see, now I have to make the decision.

0:25:210:25:24

-LAUGHTER

-But I think it's a lie.

0:25:240:25:26

-You think it's a lie?

-I think that's... Yeah.

-OK, Clare.

0:25:260:25:29

-Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

-I was telling the...

0:25:290:25:34

It was a lie. THEY LAUGH

0:25:340:25:36

APPLAUSE

0:25:360:25:37

-BUZZER

-Er... It's me.

0:25:380:25:41

I recently had to be rescued by supermarket staff

0:25:420:25:46

after I fell into the chest freezer,

0:25:460:25:48

trying to reach the last packet of Yorkshire puddings.

0:25:480:25:53

LAUGHTER

0:25:530:25:54

So you've fallen in.

0:25:560:25:58

-Yes.

-Talk us through the next bit.

0:25:580:26:00

Look, imagine, right, imagine that this...

0:26:000:26:03

Imagine this... This is the freezer, OK?

0:26:030:26:06

Right.

0:26:060:26:07

So I am here, and I'm looking, and I'm looking round,

0:26:070:26:10

there's nobody, so I just...

0:26:100:26:12

Ah, yes.

0:26:120:26:14

Oh, OK.

0:26:140:26:15

I'm going like that.

0:26:150:26:16

-I'm going like that, and I'm going, and I'm going...

-He's in!

0:26:160:26:20

LAUGHTER

0:26:200:26:22

APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:23

And I'm in.

0:26:230:26:25

And I'm like that.

0:26:250:26:26

-And I hit my hand on the kind of sharp inner edge...

-Right.

0:26:260:26:32

And I went... And first of all, I went, "Aah!"

0:26:320:26:35

And people... People kind of...

0:26:350:26:36

So you just stay lying down?

0:26:360:26:38

Well, I was shocked, Lee!

0:26:380:26:39

LAUGHTER

0:26:390:26:40

And as I... My little head peeked up...

0:26:400:26:44

LAUGHTER

0:26:440:26:45

..over the top,

0:26:450:26:47

and some people, some Welsh people - cos it was Cardiff -

0:26:470:26:50

came over and said, "Are you all right?"

0:26:500:26:52

So... And they, they kind of...

0:26:520:26:54

You know, I could have got out.

0:26:540:26:56

But they sort of helped me up,

0:26:560:26:58

and, you know, I think they were worried I was going to make a claim.

0:26:580:27:01

LAUGHTER

0:27:010:27:02

Were you tempted to stay in there until someone came to get something,

0:27:020:27:07

and suddenly go, "Agh"?

0:27:070:27:08

-LAUGHTER

-So what do you think?

0:27:080:27:10

The bit of the story I don't think is true

0:27:100:27:13

is the bit when he started talking...

0:27:130:27:17

-LAUGHTER

-..up until the point when he just stopped talking then.

0:27:170:27:20

It's the fact that he sort of went,

0:27:200:27:23

"Ooh..."

0:27:230:27:25

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-"I've cut my hand, I can't get up, I'm Rob Brydon."

0:27:250:27:28

Well, that's not strictly what I said.

0:27:280:27:31

I said I looked at my hand with shock,

0:27:310:27:32

and then somebody ran over straightaway.

0:27:320:27:34

I don't think it would take that long for attention to be...

0:27:340:27:38

There would have been a sort of thru-bump kind of noise, and people would have looked round

0:27:380:27:43

and noticed that the small man who'd previously been there had somehow disappeared,

0:27:430:27:47

and then naturally have wondered where he may have gone to.

0:27:470:27:51

-LAUGHTER I think it's true...

-Yeah, I think it's true.

0:27:510:27:54

..because it's quite a humiliating story, and I don't see why you'd tell it unless it was true.

0:27:540:27:59

Er... The format of the show?

0:27:590:28:01

LAUGHTER

0:28:010:28:02

-Yeah...

-"I don't see why you'd tell it if it wasn't true"?

0:28:050:28:10

LAUGHTER

0:28:100:28:11

Andy, I really think you've been missing something this evening.

0:28:110:28:14

LAUGHTER

0:28:140:28:15

-So, David what are you saying? Given what...

-I think we've...

-..Poirot has said here.

0:28:150:28:19

-I think we think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

0:28:190:28:21

You think it's a lie. Well, I can tell you, it is...

0:28:210:28:25

a lie.

0:28:250:28:26

ALL: Aah... APPLAUSE

0:28:260:28:29

BUZZER

0:28:290:28:30

Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You?

0:28:300:28:33

Thank you for watching, goodnight.

0:28:330:28:35

APPLAUSE

0:28:350:28:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:530:28:56

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