Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING

Hi!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight - she presents The One Show,

which is now part of British life. Without it,

millions of families would have to eat their tea in silence.

-It's Alex Jones!

-SHE LAUGHS

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

And the presenter of the extremely popular daytime quiz show Pointless,

whose fans will no doubt be tuning in to this show tonight.

So a big welcome to students, the unemployed and the bedridden.

-It's Alexander Armstrong!

-CHEERING / APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team tonight -

well, 12 years ago he was honoured with a Lifetime Achievement award.

He didn't take the hint. He's still here. It's Chris Tarrant!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

And, er, first Light Lunch, now The Great British Bake Off...

Is there any meal she won't exploit for her own financial gain?

Mel Giedroyc!

-CHEERING / APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

And so we start with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them. To make things harder,

they've never seen the card, so they don't know what they're faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,

-and we'll start with Alex.

-Oh! Here we go.

"I once lost Julian Lloyd Webber's cello

because I was chatting up a parking attendant."

-LAUGHTER

-Well, David and team?

-Lot of factors there.

-Go on.

Why were you in possession of Julian Lloyd Webber's cello?

Because...

he had lent it to me.

Um...

-LAUGHTER

-Why would he lend you his cello?

-Well, not exactly lend.

-You nicked it.

-I was kind of looking after it.

-Where were you, Alex?

-I was in Manchester.

-Right. Yeah.

Was he playing? Was he doing a gig or something?

He was doing... Yeah. He was, like, with an orchestra,

but he had his own solo part, so he played -

In an orchestra, they all have their own instrument each, don't they?

Yeah, but, David, he had a special part.

Oh, right. OK. But... For which he didn't need his cello?

It was... And he asked you to hold the cello...

-This was before.

-..and go and check on the parking scenario

-in the middle of the symphony.

-This was before.

-Before the concert.

-OK.

-So, did you know him?

-I hadn't met him before, no.

But what was the great attraction of the parking attendant?

Very handsome. Very fit. It was a very hot day.

With a big hat like that and his jacket up there?

-He didn't have a hat on. He was very modern.

-He didn't have a hat?!

I think we need to analyse this story chronologically.

Yes. We'll start again.

-Now, it is the day of the concert.

-Right.

Dawn breaks. LAUGHTER

-Right.

-Where are you, and where is Julian Lloyd Webber?

Julian Lloyd Webber and I are both in Manchester.

-When did you meet?

-In the car park.

-No...

-Said like a true Welsh girl!

ROB LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

I'm afraid "the car park" is not an acceptable answer

to the question "When did you meet?",

because the car park is a place, not a time.

-LAUGHTER

-Let me set the scene.

-OK.

-So, I'm in the car park,

-with a car-park attendant.

-Of course you are.

He's just there. He hasn't got a hat on. He's not that official.

He's just generally hanging around the car park, all sexy.

-He's just hanging out.

-Yeah.

-What's he wearing?

-Has he got anything on?

-Is he naked?

-He's got jeans on and a T-shirt.

Jeans and a T-shirt? This is just some guy!

-It's a bloke!

-He's got high-vis on.

-He's told you he's an attendant

-because he wants to sound important.

-Is that important?

Yeah. It's the sexiest thing you can say. Everyone knows that.

-Julian Lloyd Webber...

-Yeah.

-..walks in with a cello.

-Which weighs about four ton.

-No. They're not that heavy, Chris.

And for someone like Julian, who's probably got a bit of sinew

and bicep because of all his playing, it would be very light.

-Yeah.

-It's not going to be heavy.

It's how they pick cellists. They pick the ones that can carry it.

You can teach anyone to play it, but carrying it's the trick.

He pitches up.

-He's on his phone.

-Yeah. Oh! While carrying the cello?

What a guy! LAUGHTER

Were you trying to get off with the car-park man

because you wanted to not pay for your own parking?

It's difficult to know, if you're a car-park attendant,

whether any relationship you're in is genuine.

-"Is it me, or is it just for the free parking?"

-Exactly.

-Did he just hand the cello to you with a nod, like that...

-Yes.

..on the understanding that you would know what he meant?

No. He'd put it down on the side, and then just went...

-What happens then?

-Yes. This is crucial.

Then Julian comes off the phone.

Taps me on the shoulder. "Where's my cello?"

-I look round. Cello gone.

-THEY GASP

-What?

-It was the car-parking attendant!

-LAUGHTER

-Who took the cello, then?

The cello had made its way into the concert hall.

-Of course it had.

-On its own?

The very best cellos can do that, can't they?

Well, somebody has taken the cello,

gone into the concert hall with the cello.

Julian and me, flummoxed.

-Flummoxed?

-So this is not an attempt to steal the cello?

This is a do-gooder seeing an unattended cello

and thinking, "Well, I can't leave that lying around."

"Someone could steal it. I'd better steal it."

LAUGHTER

It was a good citizen who thought, "That's worth millions."

"It's on its own. I'll take it in."

Why were you at this concert? What was your ostensible role?

I was a runner-researcher,

so I was working on a television programme that they were making.

That's new information.

I'm suddenly coming round to Julian's point of view.

So, what do you think? What are you going to say?

-I think it's utter, utter nonsense.

-You think it's nonsense?

-I'm going to say she's lying.

-You both think she's lying?

-Yeah.

-Well, I certainly... I think it's true.

-Do you?

-But not enough to overrule.

-Oh, don't say that, cos now you...

I know. It's very rarely that I overrule.

At the moment I believe in democracy,

but if it turns out you guys are wrong,

I'm going to lose my belief in democracy,

and this could become a police state.

-So, your answer is...

-We're going to say it's a lie.

Saying it's a lie. Right.

-Alex?

-Actually, no. We're going to say it's true.

LAUGHTER Oh, police-state time!

-We're going to say it's true.

-I like that.

I like that. I find that arousing.

Alex, truth or lie?

Rob, you should have to take the first answer on this programme.

-It's true!

-No!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true!

Alex did lose Julian Lloyd Webber's cello

because she was chatting up a parking attendant.

Right. Next up it's Xander.

"I once prevented a burglar from breaking into my house

by hiding behind the door and barking like two different dogs...

LAUGHTER

..at him."

-David's team?

-First up, please do the two different dogs that you did,

-and say what the dogs were.

-OK.

I doubt that Xander, in his state of panic, went,

"First I'll do a Yorkshire terrier,

then I'll do... No, not an Airedale. A retriever."

-This is -

-I can't do a retriever. I can't do a retriever. I've tried.

-What I tried to do...

-LAUGHTER

The effect I was going for was of scratching paint, and...

HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

What I wanted to give an illusion of was weight,

weight and snuffling, so I went for...

HE WHINES AND GROWLS

-Has anyone got a Scooby Snack?

-LAUGHTER

And dog two, the different dog?

Maybe a smaller dog, the mastermind.

-HE LAUGHS

-One was... The other one...

I was worried about this. It was...

HE SNUFFLES AND SNEEZES

Did this frighten the burglar? Did he run off?

Did he break into the house, Chris? No.

You were crouching down behind a door,

and a burglar is also coming through the door.

Well, what was happening was, the burglar was busy...

was at the door, trying to force his way in

by shoulder-barging. The door wasn't open,

but he was, er... he was trying to break the jamb.

-So, this was at night?

-Yes.

Is your bed right by your front door?

No, it's not. My bed is in my bedroom.

LAUGHTER Classic.

Yeah. I thought, "That's the last place they'll look."

You thought, "Somebody's shoulder- barging the front door down"...

I was woken up by, thunk, thunk, on the door,

and I was just thinking, "What... What do I do?"

So he was barging away. Ba-room! Ba-room!

And you were snuffling away at the other side of the door.

-Yeah.

-And then what?

-He paused, did he?

-He paused, and then he went away.

-I think it weirded him out.

-Why didn't you do a scary dog?

It sounded like a hamster.

-A very big hamster.

-That's scary, actually.

-That's actually very scary.

-Don't you have a burglar alarm?

-I never set a burglar alarm.

-Not on national television.

Not on television.

OK. What are you going to say? Truth or lie?

-What do you think, Chris?

-I think it's so daft,

and he's so daft, and it's such a ridiculous vision.

I think it's almost certainly true.

-I'm the yin to your yang, Chris.

-Are you really?

I'm saying it's a lie. A big fat one.

Ooh... I want you to override me again, David.

I... LAUGHTER

-Sorry. If I do that again, it won't be special.

-OK.

I just don't think a burglar would try to shoulder-barge the front door.

I think a murderer might try and shoulder-barge the front door.

-So, therefore your answer is...

-A lie.

Lie. OK. Er, Xander, was that the truth or was it in fact a lie?

Well, I'm sorry to tell you it is, in fact, a lie.

Oh! He nearly got us there.

Yes, it's a lie.

Xander didn't prevent a burglar from breaking into his house

by barking like two different dogs. Of course it's a lie.

When burglars break into Xander's property,

they still have to walk up the path, swim the moat and slay the dragon

before getting to the front drawbridge.

-LAUGHTER

-So, at the end of that round,

David's team are in the lead by two points to nil.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week David's team will claim to have the genuine connection,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Syd.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

So, Chris Tarrant, what is Syd to you?

This is my dentist, Syd,

and I had to drive her to A&E

after biting her finger during a check-up.

-LAUGHTER

-Right. Mel,

could you explain how you know Syd?

This is Syd. We once posed as members of an orchestra

to gain backstage access to meet our idol.

Finally, David, what is your relationship with Syd?

Um, this is Syd. Last year - LEE LAUGHS

Sorry. I just... There's something about you.

I don't think you know any women or anyone called Syd.

-In which case you'll be saying that it's a lie.

-Correct.

-This is Syd.

-Lie!

LAUGHTER

This is Syd. Last year she rescued me

when a seaside donkey went haywire with...

LAUGHTER ..with me on its back.

Can I just say, I retract my earlier comment. True.

-LAUGHTER

-So, there we have it.

Chris's disgruntled dentist, Mel's orchestral imposter

or David's seaside saviour. Where do you want to start?

Let's start with Chris. What was she doing

that made you bite down so hard? LAUGHTER

She's actually a very accomplished dentist.

Her real name is Sydney, Sydney Matthews.

She is the junior partner in a company called Matthews & Priddy

-in Weybridge in Surrey.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Sorry. Her real name is Sydney?

-Sydney!

-Girl's name, Sydney.

-Now somebody's shouted it really loudly in Welsh,

it's quite clear.

-LAUGHTER

-So, sorry, Chris. Say it again.

I fixed up to go and have a temporary crown taken out

-and put the proper one in.

-Oh, yeah?

Coronation, was it?

-No.

-You're getting above yourself, Tarrant!

So she starts doing this little bit of drilling,

and you've got so much in your mouth, I'm going...

-HE MUMBLES

-"It really hurts!"

"I want some anaesthetic!" She said, "What?"

In fact I bit her two fingers really quite badly. "Argh!"

-And she is pouring blood.

-And has Syd treated you since?

No. She's due to in three months, so I'm trying to be quite nice to her.

Right. Do you want to move on to another suspect?

OK. David, what did it do, the donkey?

It ran suddenly in one direction with me on its back.

No! Where were you? I bet he says Blackpool.

No. I was on the beach. It was in Norfolk.

Which beach? I know Norfolk quite well.

-Which beach in Norfolk was it?

-Oh, damn!

LAUGHTER

It was, er, Great Yarmouth.

-When was this?

-It's about... It was last year.

-Do they let adults ride donkeys?

-Good question. Ask him.

Yes, they do. They do. They did. I got on the donkey. It went haywire.

-Hang on.

-Are you saying I'm a liar?

The donkey went haywire, and Syd rescued me!

-LAUGHTER

-But what scared the donkey?

-Yeah. I could answer that.

-What scared...

LAUGHTER

You haven't explained why you were on the donkey.

When I look at you, I don't think "donkey".

-Thank you.

-I think Mel does.

The aim was... LAUGHTER

One child of some friends of mine wanted to have a donkey ride,

and then was a bit nervous of the donkey ride,

and I said, well, I'd have a donkey ride

to sort of demonstrate that it was, you know, fine and safe and...

-Oh, so it was a disaster, then?

-It was a disaster.

It was an absolute disaster. It was a very sad day.

-Did you have to pay for the ride?

-Er, I think so, yeah.

Do you remember roughly what that was?

I think roughly about a thousand pounds.

LAUGHTER Might have been less.

Certainly not a million. Not a million pounds.

It wasn't, like, 4p.

David, how did Syd rescue you?

She had a geographical advantage on the donkey,

because I don't think I'm being rude to Syd

to say she probably couldn't have matched this crazed beast for speed.

She was over where the donkey was headed,

sort of near there, and was able to intercept

and grab the bit of string that's attached to a donkey's face.

THEY LAUGH

It's like having Zara Phillips with us, isn't it? It really is.

You have literally never seen a donkey in your life, have you?

-Right. What about Mel, then?

-Just remind us again of your story.

This is Syd, and we once posed as members of an orchestra...

-Yeah?

-Mm-hm.

-..to meet our idol.

Who is the idol, just for fun?

-Lesley Judd, the, um...

-LAUGHTER

..the, er, ex-Blue Peter presenter.

You don't need to tell me who Lesley Judd is.

So, does Lesley Judd also play in an orchestra?

-Not that I know of.

-What was she doing there, then?

-She was hosting the event.

-Where was it?

It was in Oxford Town Hall.

-And you were how old?

-16.

You say you posed as orchestra members.

How? Did you go and buy an instrument?

We borrowed from a friend, funnily enough, a cello case.

That's all you'd need. Cos one of you gets in it.

-Yeah.

-So, hang on.

When you were 16... Lesley Judd, as we know, was a Blue Peter presenter

-back in the glorious heyday -

-The fab four.

-Exactly.

-Noakes, Purves, Singleton, Judd.

-When grown-ups used to...

-Yeah.

-When grown-ups used to host Blue Peter.

-Yeah.

-Great times.

-ROB LAUGHS

-Did it work?

-We got past security.

I'm not sure about this security business, to be honest.

Imagine a meeting at Oxford Town Hall. "Who we got on this week?"

"Lesley Judd is hosting an orchestra."

-"We're going to need some security."

-LAUGHTER

-Did she sign anything for you?

-She did, yep.

I had a Blue Peter annual.

-I think Lesley was in circus gear on the front.

-I've got that one.

-LAUGHTER

-All right.

We need an answer, so what are you going to say?

-I think it's Chris.

-You think Chris?

Cos Syd, more importantly,

looks like she could be a very good dentist.

I have to disagree. If we're going by looks alone,

I'd say she's more likely to have manhandled a donkey.

LAUGHTER

We can't just go by looks, can we?

I think she looks like a really lovely friend of Mel's.

-We need an answer, so... Alex thinks it's Chris.

-Chris.

-Are you sticking with that?

-I'm sticking 100 percent.

Lee, presumably you think me. LAUGHTER

Despite my real gut reaction that it's David,

-I would say...

-LAUGHTER

..of the two,

-we will go with Mel.

-Argh!

Or will we go with Chris?

Split the difference. Me!

APPLAUSE

-We'll say Mel.

-You're saying Mel.

OK. So, Syd, would you like to reveal your true identity?

My name is Syd, and Mel and I posed as members of an orchestra

-in order to meet our idol.

-CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Yes, Syd and Mel did once pose as members of an orchestra

in order to get backstage and meet Lesley Judd.

Thank you very much, Syd. APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,

in which our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.

We will start with... BUZZER

It's Lee.

"I can always remember all my ex-girlfriends' names

and the order in which I went out with them,

because their initials happen to make the acronym...

BERMUDA."

LAUGHTER

OK. Off we go.

BERMUDA.

-B!

-What?

-B.

-B?

Please give me the names of all your ex-girlfriends

that make the acronym BERMUDA, as quickly as possible, please.

OK. Brenda...

-Brenda!

-Brenda!

-Superb.

Brenda is still as popular a name as ever.

-E.

-Ethel.

-Sorry?

I'm helping you. What's the next one? Is it Ethel?

-It's not Ethel.

-Enid.

-It's not Enid. Have another guess.

LAUGHTER

-Erin.

-Sorry?

-Erin.

-Erin?

-Erin!

-OK.

-Um, how do you spell Bermuda?

-LAUGHTER

-R.

-I know. I was joking, you...

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry. Er, R?

That was... Oh, R.

-Rasputin.

-That was actually Regine.

-Sorry?

-Reggie?

-Regine!

-Regime, as in "regime change"?

-No, no, no.

Next? Next up after Regine?

..Regine was the lovely Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly!

I could tell you a thing or two about Molly,

-but this isn't the time.

-Next one!

-What about U?

-Uriah.

-This was the weird one.

-They're all a bit weird.

Not actually her name, right, but my nickname for her - Una.

-What was her real name?

-Sally.

LAUGHTER Why did you call Sally Una?

Because Una Stubbs played Aunt Sally in Worzel Gummidge.

Oh!

Oh, that's very good. That's very good.

Yes, he's good.

D, Dave. Experimental year.

LAUGHTER

If you've forgotten it, I'll never forgive you!

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Happy days, Dave. Happy days.

Dave. The D... That's what you're saying?

-The D is Dave?

-Of course I'm not.

-OK.

-Delia.

Not THE Delia!

And, may I say, not my mother, who was called Delia. True story.

-Definitely not her.

-But that's why it popped into your head now

as you were making it up!

And A?

-Was Alex.

-SHE GASPS

That certainly is a serendipitous series.

If Sally wasn't serendipitous,

I wouldn't have been able to do that with her.

-What was the M again?

-What?

-The M again?

-Molly.

-And the E?

-Was... What?

-And the E?

-The E...

-I'll tell you exactly what the E was.

-The E was...

It was, in fact... I'll tell you exactly.

LAUGHTER

-Erin!

-U...

-And I loved her.

-U?

Er... Una. Sally.

Real name Sally. Come on, Lee. You know this. The D?

-Give me a D!

-The D was...

-Mummy! Deirdre! Delia!

-LAUGHTER

-The E?

-Give me an E! Erin!

-The B?

-Give me a B!

That was a long time ago. Be fair! Brenda.

-And the R?

-And the R was Reg-... Regine.

-Regine!

-Little Regine.

-Is that a name?

-It's a name, isn't it?

-Tell me it's a name.

-LAUGHTER

Regine's a name! Anything's a name, isn't it?

I went out with a girl called Cupboard for three weeks.

And where did Cupboard come in the BERMUDA list?

Oh, she was before I invented the acronym system.

Sorry? It was a system? It didn't happen by accident?

You were seeking out people beginning with these letters.

What was it about the island of Bermuda that you wanted -

Some of my ex-girlfriends went missing.

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

What do you think, David? What does your team think?

-I think it's a lie.

-Would he go out with somebody called Brenda?

What do you mean? Yes. She was Miss World, right?

She said, "I really like you." I said, "And I really like you."

"What's your name?" "Brenda." "Forget it."

So, what's it going to be, David?

I mean, I think it's preposterous because it's preposterous.

Yes. I think it's a lie. I think it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. OK. Um, Lee?

-Were you telling the truth or a lie?

-Of course I was telling a lie!

-Oh, yes! Well done. Brilliant.

-Well done.

-APPLAUSE

-Yes, it's a lie.

Lee's ex-girlfriends do not form an acronym that spells Bermuda,

although they have formed a support group.

-Next...

-BUZZER

-It's Alex.

-Oh.

"I can tell if someone is a good dancer

just by the way they smile."

-David's team.

-Alex, look at me.

LAUGHTER

-Turn your head a little bit.

-LAUGHTER

-And now this way.

-Now do it whilst you're dancing.

LAUGHTER

No.

Yeah, well, it's true, then.

-But why?

-What is it about the...

Because people who are good at dancing -

Will you stop doing that? I find it a bit disturbing, David.

-It's a bit "light entertainment" for you, dude.

-Really?

LAUGHTER

What is it? What do you look for?

Well, people who are good at dancing will look naturally smug.

What... What are you saying?

-Now, you're putting on a smug face.

-No, he's not.

LAUGHTER

And people who are good at dancing have shorter teeth than you.

-LAUGHTER

-It's just something about dancers.

They seem to be a little bit underdeveloped in the tooth area.

Are they making up for their short teeth by learning to dance?

I don't know, but it seems to be a pattern.

That's what I've found, doing extensive research.

-I'll go round you all now. Open up.

-LAUGHTER

You could be all right.

Oh, that's a backhanded compliment!

Nice short-toothed person!

-You want mine?

-Go on.

LAUGHTER

-Rob?

-Rob, he's got quite long teeth.

LAUGHTER

-No.

-LAUGHTER

Rob, you get up there and prove her wrong!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

ROB SINGS TUNE TO "STAYING ALIVE"

# Staying alive, staying alive...

-What a mover!

-CHEERING

I just want to say, Rob, I've got a lot of respect

-for your commitment to the show.

-Yeah.

I mean, I'm no Bruno or Len -

-HE IMITATES HER ACCENT

-Hasn't she got a stupid voice?

LAUGHTER

What is... Does anyone know how large Fred Astaire's teeth are?

-Small.

-Didn't have any. Just gums.

-He had little tiny little...

-Like that?

# I'm putting on my top hat

# Tying up my white tie...

HE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT

So, what are you going to say, David?

-Mel, do you think it's true?

-I think it's the sort of claim

-that Ms Jones would make.

-It's not scientifically proven.

-Oh, you don't say!

-LAUGHTER

I think it's... It is the sort of thing she'd believe in.

-She's claimed it. She's not saying -

-Do you think it's the truth?

-Yeah. I think we think it's true.

-You think it's true?

Alex Jones, was it the truth, or were you telling a lie?

-Don't be so ridiculous. It's a lie!

-Oh, no!

-Oh!

-Very good!

Yes, it was a lie. Alex can't tell if someone is a good dancer

-by the way they smile.

-BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time's up. It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team has won by three points to two.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Alex Jones!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Well done, Alex!

Beautiful, intelligent, a gorgeous Welsh accent

and eyes you could drown in. That's what she said to me,

and I'm starting to think she didn't mean any of it. Good night!

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