Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,

the show where fibs and fancies are the order of the day.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the Springwatch TV presenter

who when she was younger, worked on a crocodile farm.

It's where she first got her love of animals...

and shoes and handbags.

Kate Humble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in the hit sitcom Rev, he plays the lovable,

slightly odd, bookish nerd Nigel, and he's such a consummate actor,

he started getting into character 32 years ago.

It's Miles Jupp.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

an actor who stars in The Indian Doctor,

a show all about the first ever Indian doctor in Wales.

I'm not sure what part he plays,

I just hope his Welsh accent's up to it. Sanjeev Bhaskar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And it really is, it really is no exaggeration to say we have had

hundreds of letters saying, "You've got to get this guy on the show."

All from Judy, who just wants one night to herself. Richard Madeley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round One.

It's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out

a statement from the card in front of them. To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

so they have no idea what they'll be faced with. It's up to the opposing team

to sort the fact from the fiction and Richard, you are first up.

One Christmas morning,

I woke up stark naked in our shoe cupboard,

clutching nothing but two cans of fake snow.

Lee Mack, what do you make of that?

-So, yeah, what year was this?

-About 1993.

OK, and can you talk us through how this happened?

I, uh, went to bed very drunk on Christmas Eve,

actually, it was Christmas morning by then, about two in the morning,

and I woke up again in the cupboard under the stairs,

totally naked, with two,

as I realised when I picked them up, empty artificial snow spray cans in

each hand and the light was on and my face was in the Wellington boots.

What had you gone in there for?

I'd gone in to put the snow cans back

after what I then realised I'd done with them.

What had you done with them?

Two weeks earlier, we'd bought our family Christmas tree

and Judy and Chloe, my daughter, decided it wouldn't be

a good idea to put artificial snow on it and Jack, my son, and I, thought it would.

And we had a massive row

and of course the ladies won, so the spray was hidden

-at the back of the cupboard, but I saw where Judy hid it.

-But you did this naked, presumably.

I did it in my sleep.

Can I just stop you there?

No-one's listening now, we're all just thinking,

"Ah, Richard Madeley sleeps naked."

LAUGHTER

And, uh, and clearly, I mean, I can only suppose what happened,

I'd gone downstairs in my sleep, taken the cans out,

covered the tree with fake foam, gone back in the thing and then woken up.

-You'd done the whole tree.

-The whole tree.

Was it a good job?

It was terrible, it covered the lights, it covered the baubles,

it was like a great big Mr Whippy.

I'm intrigued by this cupboard under the stairs, Richard.

Someone with your income would, by 1993 even,

during your, let's call it heyday, would have had...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..I do think you would have had it converted into a, into a,

a downstairs, uh, facility.

Is that your view of opulence?

That any sort of space under stairs

must be fitted for immediate...egestion?

Any sort of unused space anywhere.

Any money at all, there's something about the combination of

wealth, career success and a little cubby hole that just says "poo".

What did Judy and Chloe have to say about this in the morning?

Christmas morning dawned

and I went down with Judy and there it was, looking awful and I just went,

"Jack, we told you not to do that and you went and..."

Kept it up for about a minute and then confessed.

-So you woke up at two in the morning.

-I didn't wake up.

-I was sleep spraying, if you like.

-Then you went into...

That has horrid connotations.

Please. Think of the children!

-We've all done it.

-So you did the spraying...

What's your first conscious memory? Waking up in the cupboard or waking up in the bed?

No, waking up in the cupboard.

-Do you always sleep naked?

-Yes.

-Always?

-Yeah.

How does Judy feel about, about that?

Well, so does she.

Blimey. Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?

Sorry, hang on, hang on, hang on.

No, no, no, give me a minute.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hands up, who sleeps naked?

David, keep your hands down.

It's got to be 40%.

I mean, obviously, I go to bed dressed as Scrooge.

So what are you thinking, Lee?

I definitely think it's plausible. What do you think, Kate?

What concerns me

is the gap between the waking up at two o'clock in the morning

and going to bed and not sort of

-doing anything about the tree.

-Just leaving it.

Just leaving it.

-Miles?

-I think it is true.

-You do?

So what are you going to say?

OK, split decision, we will go with, I will go with Miles

-and say that's true.

-It's true?

Richard Madeley, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

I have to tell you guys, you've made a terrible start for us.

It's true.

Well done.

Yes, it's true.

One Christmas morning, Richard did wake up stark naked

in his shoe cupboard, clutching nothing but two cans of fake snow.

Judy was quite pleased when she came across Richard sitting there

stark naked, as it reminded her to put the turkey in the oven.

Miles, you're next.

Every time I shower,

I must adhere to my strict system for drying myself.

OK, quick as you can,

what's the system for drying yourself?

Well, I always use a towel...

You weird eccentric.

Well, actually, I don't start with a towel, I use,

I sort of brush water off this arm, I do that 20 times.

With your hand?

-With my hand.

-Yeah.

-And then 20 times that one.

Do you dry yourself between your legs with your hands?

No, I don't, Richard.

Is it like an OCD thing,

where it is 20, or is it roughly 20?

-It can be multiples of 20.

-You're not serious?

Yes, like 20 of those, one, two,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12...

-We know what 20 is.

-Yeah, yeah. Um, and then the same on the other, and then 30 in the hair.

30 in the hair?

And then I think, I'd better move on to the towel phase.

I've done the arm and head thing, it's towel time.

And when, when did you start doing this?

Within the last, uh, two years.

When you reach for the towel, are there any other oddities

or do you basically then proceed in what

we would refer to as a conventional drying manner?

Well, I get the towel and I do 50 on the top of the head,

and then, this is quite a new development, actually, probably within the last...

The whole thing is quite a new development.

You clearly had some sort of breakdown a couple of years ago.

So now it's 50 on top and 50 behind,

whereas it just used to be 50 on top.

What was it about your drying policy before this point, two or three years ago,

that you considered inadequate?

I was getting through a lot of towels.

How much moisture do you hold?!

I am unbelievably absorbent.

One could wring me out like a sponge, I really...

Have you tried that? Because that might be a more efficient way of...

I don't see what it is about this system

that is hard to believe or understand.

-I don't like it...

-Oh, no, don't do it.

If this turns out to be true, it's going to be a tense evening.

Have you ever washed your car by hand rather than going through the drive-through?

No, never.

Never? You are the most middle-class man I have ever met.

You've never washed your own car?

I've been to the, you know, the roly one.

That's not the same, Miles. Getting the coin

and putting it in the slot does not constitute manual labour.

I've only had a car for three years.

Did the purchase of the car coincide with the new shower policy?

Having seen the car go through the "roly thing" that you don't know the name of,

even though the name pretty much creates itself...

Did you think "I am going to create my own domestic version of this with my hands"?

Do you have a little sign when you go into the bathroom

that says "Stop" once you get there? Do you edge forward waiting...

Stop! And you've got to do it quickly because you know that it's

going to go "Peep-peep!" and you've got to get out again.

-David, it's time to take a guess.

-What do you think?

It's truly horrible, but I want, I want it to be true and I,

and I'm an optimist in life, so I'll say it's true.

I can't, I can't go with that. I mean, if it is true,

then it's really disturbing and frightening,

and all those other things that you scare your kids with.

My instinct is that it's a lie.

OK, you're saying it's a lie.

Well, Miles, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is true.

Yes, almost unbelievably, it's true.

Every times Miles showers,

he must adhere to his strict system for drying himself.

Kate, you're next.

Every time I have a haircut, I ask to keep the hair,

which I then take to London

and scatter for the pigeons to make nests with.

There we are. All right, David, what do you think?

What is it that makes you think the pigeons of London are short of...

-Hair.

-..stuff?

Yeah, hair, I mean, there's just a lot of

nest making stuff in London, surely.

Actually, there isn't that much, there has been this big drive to keep London tidy.

And Kate do you, do you believe,

do you believe that pigeons prefer blondes?

No, but I think they do like curls.

How do you know that?

Well, you know, I've... when I scatter it, I then just

sort of stand back, make sure it's appreciated and, and you know...

Because it immediately gets snapped up!

Amazingly.

So if somebody else is feeding them some bread, they go, "Oh!"

Who wants a bit of old Hovis?

How much of your hair do you get cut for the curl to be included?

About an inch and a half. I don't have it cut very often.

Where in London do you go to to distribute your clippings?

Can I ask you a question, David, have you ever met a woman before?

I really hope that's the kind of thing you say to random strangers.

It's not a thing I've ever said before,

but you can't say it isn't pertinent to the circumstances.

Do you secretly hope

that one day, a very clever pigeon would make a tiny little wig?

If he did, what might he sound like, Richard?

Because I've been told that you do a very good pi...

Oh, he's doing it now!

IMITATES PIGEON CALL

That's a wood pigeon, isn't it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And for the aficionados of bird land amongst you,

not to be confused with the ringed dove.

IMITATES DOVE CALL

And also, not to be confused with the parrot.

Pretty Polly! Pretty Polly!

-Very good.

-This programme is getting more and more like The One Show.

Well, actually I did want to ask Miles a question,

if you don't mind, Miles, if you were to do what she does,

would you wash the cuttings and hand dry them before you put them...?

If I were to collect Kate Humble's hair,

and then get on a bus? No, I'd just, I'd go to the hairdressers

and say, "Have you cut Kate Humble's hair?"

-With that voice?

-"Well, put it in a bag for me!"

And then I'd catch a bus and I'd go straight to the top deck

and tell everyone exactly what I had in my bag.

"Who watches Springwatch? Got her hair in my bag.

"It's not for me, it's for the pigeons."

Um, what do you think, David?

I think more of Kate than this. I have a higher opinion of her than this.

I think a lot of her, I mean it's... Oh, sorry, in that sense, yeah.

I think she's telling us a lie.

I think, yeah, I think we all think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie, pretty unanimous. OK, Kate, fact or fiction?

It's a lie.

I really hoped that was true.

Yes, it was a lie - every time Kate has a haircut,

she doesn't take the hair cuttings to London to scatter to

the pigeons for them to make nests with.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to

one of our panellists. This week, each of Lee's team will claim

it's them that has the connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please, welcome this week's special guest, John.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Miles, first of all, what is John to you?

Er, John and I were paid to fight together in a supermarket,

dressed as...

..dressed as gladiators.

-Kate, how do you know John?

-This is John,

and, er, when I was in Africa,

he and I dressed up in a pantomime giraffe costume

in order to get close-up shots of giraffes in the wild.

-Lee, what's your relationship with John?

-This is John.

Despite being total strangers, we were once forced

to share a bed when we were double booked into the same hotel room.

David, where do you want to start?

Um, well, maybe with Kate,

because what I'm reluctant to believe

is that the best way of lulling giraffes

into a false sense of security

is to try and disguise yourself as a giraffe,

because I reckon they'd...

I mean a giraffe, it takes one to know one.

He thought that if we dressed up as a giraffe

then he could put a camera on a kind of periscope thing up the neck

of the giraffe and get that evening shot

of the giraffes against the sunset.

Now, you said, very astutely,

that it takes a giraffe to know a giraffe.

If we did this in daylight, it would have failed completely

because giraffes have extremely good day vision, but their night vision

isn't very good and that's why we decided to try it.

Why is it then necessary to disguise as a giraffe at all?

Why not just take a stepladder?

They are not completely blind,

they're just not necessarily going to worry too much

about whether you're made out of polyester or real fur.

Could you just show us how you did this?

How it worked? Would you like me to do that with John?

-Lee will be the perfect partner for this.

-Lee, OK, Lee, if you come...

He has the look of the wild about him.

Kate's going to demonstrate the whole giraffe doppelganger

with you, Lee.

So you are in the front, OK? You need to stand about there,

and, um, actually, could you three stand up

and all just be giraffes in the wild with the sun behind you?

Do you ever get the feeling she's mocking us?

OK, so you've got this big giraffe costume on

and it's got a kind of pole up the back of its spine.

You have got a camera

on a pole poking out of the mouth of the giraffe, right towards them.

-OK?

-Right.

I am behind you...

LAUGHTER

Kate, Kate at what point do you say, action?

I've got the laptop here, so I'm checking the focus

and saying to John,

"OK, you're nicely framed up, that's looking lovely."

By the way, I'm a meerkat.

Excellent. You're doing a very good job.

APPLAUSE

All right, I think that's made it a lot clearer.

Let's say a big thank you to our giraffes.

APPLAUSE

But most of all, a big round of applause for our meerkat.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right. Who would you like to question next?

Er, yes, Miles, you had to dress up as a...

A gladiator.

A gladiator? As in a Roman gladiator?

Or as in from the TV show Gladiators?

-A Roman gladiator.

-So, sort of sword and sandals?

Yeah, and breastplates.

What sort of a gladiator were you?

We each had a sword and shield and we did battle.

-And this was in a supermarket?

-Yes.

Were you employed or was this just...?

A distraction technique so someone else could steal biscuits and cakes!

We were promoting a range of foods.

Fresh lion meat, you know, the usual!

We were promoting, er, a range of foods -

the Viva Italia delicatessen range, I don't know if you remember

when Safeway rolled that out, er...

But we would have this fight and then one of us would die,

er, or be beaten, be vanquished,

and the other one would say, "Oh, how did you get the strength to beat me?"

And you'd say, "From aisle 7, where..."

LAUGHTER

"..Where I've been... Where I've been

"feasting on the Viva Italia delicatessen range."

What about Lee?

Lee, remind us, what is your link to John, I've forgotten.

Er, this is John and we were once

forced to share a hotel room together,

or share a bed in a hotel room, because we'd been double booked.

OK. Um, so where was the hotel, Lee?

The hotel was in Scotland.

OK, and any... Do you want to be more specific than that?

OK, it was right in Scotland.

LAUGHTER

Be more specific.

More specific?

We, it was... Isle of Skye.

OK! Oh, yeah, fine, I believe you. What were you doing?

I was, er, at a wedding.

Yeah, when was this wedding?

Nine years ago.

You came back from the wedding, so it was late.

So, I came back from the wedding. Got to the hotel.

I'd had a bit too much to drink. So I go to reception. I say, "Hello, I'm..."

Well, I didn't have to say.

Nine years ago? Yes, you bloody did!

So she leans round, she gives me the key, I go upstairs, no lift.

She doesn't in any way go,

"By the way, there is a large man already in this room?"

No, obviously she wasn't aware of the mix-up,

otherwise she would have stopped me, wouldn't she,

as I walked off. She didn't go...

"What?"

"Nothing. Nothing, you'll see!"

So what happened, you... You were given the key by reception

and then opened the door and he was in there?

Correct.

At which point you said...?

I was a bit drunk

so I just assumed that there'd been a mix-up. Wrong key, I was in the wrong room,

so I went, "Oh, sorry," and he went...

HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

He said what?

HE MUMBLES

Don't mock him, wait till he opens his mouth in a minute.

"Come on, who are you?" and he goes...

HE MUMBLES

Then you go back down to reception?

I go back down. I said "You've given me the wrong key."

So then she said, "Sorry, there's been a mix-up."

There's been a mix-up...

"You're going to have to go back in there."

He was in the wrong room but he'd checked in earlier on so it wasn't her mistake,

it was a mistake earlier on by somebody else.

-Why didn't you investigate the possibility of sharing with the person in the other room?

-Oh, yeah.

What I did was, I went round all the rooms and I went...

"I don't think so, do you?"

"It's your lucky night, soldier!"

When you realised, when the two of you realised that you were going

to have to share a bed together,

did you have a kind of negotiation?

I have never been to bed with anyone where negotiations have been involved.

That's not completely true.

No, what I mean is, did you say, for example, "I like to sleep on this side of the bed,

"I'm happiest on the right hand side?"

Before we even got to that point,

we both tried to not sleep in the same bed. I didn't just go,

"What the hell are you doing?

"I'm going to sleep on the left and you can sleep on the right."

Right, so we need an answer, what do you think?

I really don't know! Whatever we say, if we get it wrong

we'll look like we've believed something ridiculous!

I don't believe that the best way of photographing

giraffes at sunset is to disguise yourself as a giraffe.

I don't... I don't... Just, two actors,

fighting in a supermarket,

but why, if you're pushing a range of sort of Italian delicatessen foods,

are you going to imply that they give you gladiatorial strength?

Strength to kill somebody.

That's what people are looking for in a nice bit of pastrami -

"But will it give me the strength to murder?"

Also, don't you think

John looks like the kind of bloke you'd bump into at a Scottish wedding?

I know it sounds weird, but I kind of believe Kate's version more.

You think Lee, I think Lee, but what if it's Miles then?

That's awful if it's Miles! We're going to say Lee.

You're going to say Lee.

The wedding, the bed, the night together?

Yes!

So, John, would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm John and I was once paid to fight Miles in a supermarket.

APPLAUSE

Yeah. John and Miles were paid to fight each other in a supermarket

while dressed as gladiators.

This is a horrible, stupid game!

Thank you very much, John, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round - Quickfire Lies,

in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.

We will start with...

Uh, David.

I like pens.

-I know this! It's true.

-I like pens.

And I... And I like to know where my pens are.

For this reason, I have a three point pen policy.

-What's your three point pen policy?

-Er, well, point one,

I find it important to know where my pens are at any time.

Um, for example...

That...that covers all three, doesn't it?

No, no, no, no.

LAUGHTER

-Point two.

-Yeah?

Is to, um, is to be hyper-aware of any pen that I've lent out.

And point three

is to take any opportunity

within the bounds of a reasonable interpretation of the law,

to purloin or otherwise obtain pens.

Name three people who have currently got pens of yours that you want back?

There are no people who have pens of mine.

A key part of point two

is to get a pen back as soon as possible.

When people say, "Oh, can I borrow you pen?",

what I want to say is "Absolutely NOT,

"get your own pen, this is mine!"

However, as part of a scheme I'm working on to try and seem,

normal would be an exaggeration, but, you know, at least

acceptable in broader society, I try not to say that, I try and seem

casual about it, "Oh, yeah, borrow my pen, that's fine,"

and then I'm thinking about it constantly until it is returned.

The pen that you've got with you, sorry, is that your own pen, or is that a BBC pen?

-This is now my pen.

-Pass me the pen.

-I'd rather not.

-But you have to! You have to pass me it. I will give it you back...

I will promise to give you the pen back within five minutes.

-All right.

-I'll... Let's meet halfway.

It'll be the first time we've made physical contact in five years.

Right, put the pen on the floor and step away.

-Step away from the pen.

-You're going to destroy the pen, aren't you?

I'm not going to destroy the pen, you've got such a cynical mind.

He's going to destroy it.

I'm not going to destroy the pen, that would be infantile.

-So this is a pen you got from the BBC today?

-Yeah.

If I take this pen and say I'm keeping this pen,

what will you do to get the pen back off me?

I will not fight you.

So what are you thinking, Lee?

It didn't seem much of a system, did it?

You ask me to have the pen back, I'm going to say no and he's going to leave it at that.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

I'm so sorry.

It is fair to say we have created drama.

You had explicitly reassured him,

in front of witnesses, that you would not break the pen.

I didn't believe him.

That is correct, that is true.

I didn't believe him. I knew he'd break the pen.

That pen, I'm afraid to say,

and I hope this doesn't make me sound heartless,

when I put that pen down there, it was dead to me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, Lee, which way are you going? Is he telling the truth or a lie?

I bet you love pens, I bet you're pretty crazy about pens

but you do not have a three point system.

I think he might.

OK, Lee, take a guess, truth or lie?

-We'll say it's a lie.

-You say it's a lie.

David Mitchell - the truth or a lie?

It is in fact...true.

Yes, it's true, David does have a three point pen policy,

-so he knows where they are.

-BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals that time is up and it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to two.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Miles Jupp.

Yes, Miles Jupp, he has the face of a choirboy

and the morals of a choirmaster. Good night.

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