Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Ha-ha!

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,

the show with tremendous truths and humungous lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a man whose TV show is called Richard Bacon's Beer And Pizza Club.

Not only is it good fun, but if it comes on TV

more than five minutes late, you get free garlic bread. It's Richard Bacon.

APPLAUSE

And, erm, the man who gave us Touch The Truck, Pets Win Prizes

and Hole In The Wall, yet still no BAFTA, it's Dale Winton.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who's

so immersed in the culture of horse racing,

when she buys a new pair of shoes,

it's all she can do to stop herself nailing them on.

-It's Clare Balding.

-APPLAUSE

And a comedian and star of the very realistic

Call The Midwife. I didn't watch it myself,

I just stayed the other side of the screen and offered encouragement.

-It's Miranda Hart.

-APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them

and to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

So they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

-Dale is first up tonight.

-OK.

As a child, rather than sleeping with a comfort blanket

or teddy bear, I slept with a potato.

LAUGHTER

Lee Mack, what do you think?

Was it the same potato or did you

have different potatoes over the years?

That was the problem because you get attached to a potato

so when you get attached to a potato, it's rotting a bit

but it's your comfort, it's like you...

Your teddy bear smells of your old teddy bear or whatever it happens to be.

The potato was my favourite potato and I used to draw on it.

So it was one potato the whole time?

The actual truth is, it was taken away from me

and I cried and I cried and I cried but they threw it out

so it took me another three or four weeks to get used to the new potato.

Dale, did they have names, your potatoes?

No.

You slept with a potato that you didn't even know its name.

-Well...

-You slag!

Did you hug them, did you have them close to your face?

I used to put it on the pillow, like that, and I used to bash it.

-What?

-What?

Why did you bash it? Is that how you show love, Dale?

What's the bashing?

Well, I used to, I used to like the dent it made in the pillow.

Oh, you'd bash it onto the pillow and then you'd sleep?

So, then I'd take it out. "That's where you're going to bed later."

Be honest, Dale, is the truth of this story that your parents

would shout through the door, "What are you doing in there?"

You'd say, "Nothing, just bashing the potato."

You haven't asked me why I stopped,

and this is why you'll realise...

Oh, Dale, why did you stop?

Because Mrs Marks, who was our next door neighbour,

I heard her talking to my mother in the driveway and I heard

Mrs Marks say to my mother, "Is he still sleeping with a potato?"

I think that they'd been talking about it and she probably said to

Mrs Marks, "Did any of your children ever want to sleep with a potato?"

-So what are you thinking, Lee?

-Miranda.

I sort of want it to be true.

Because he's so sweet.

I do think the two winning things are "That's where you're going to sleep," and Mrs Marks.

D'you know what?

I think Mrs Marks exists and I like Mrs Marks, I like what

she represents, she represents the sanity of the street.

Whereas the Wintons, they're all over the shop.

So what are you gonna say, Lee? What's it gonna be?

-You think it's true?

-I do think it's true.

-I think it's true.

I'll go with my team and say that it's true.

You're saying it's true, OK. Dale Winton, the potato, in the bed,

was it the truth or was it a lie?

I have slept with many things over the years cos I'm a very old man,

but I have never slept with a potato - it's a lie.

That's very good.

Yes, it was a very convincing lie.

As a child, Dale didn't sleep with a potato.

Richard, you're next.

OK, when I worked in McDonalds, my long-term girlfriend joined

the queue to my till and when she got to the counter, she dumped me.

Lee, Lee, Lee.

How old were you?

-I was 18, I think I was 18.

-OK, so you're 18 years old.

How long did you consider a long-term girlfriend to be

-when you were 18.

-Well, she was actually my first girlfriend.

Her name was, presumably is, Kate.

She could have died. I mean, I don't know.

Yeah, look on the bright side!

Kay dumped you, was she special?

She was, she was.

-It's a "Special K" joke, I'm not explaining them all.

-Very good.

Can I mention Special K, or do I have to mention Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?

Well, I think when it comes to breakfast cereals,

there is one that stands head and shoulders above all the rest.

So how long was long term?

Two years. But when you're 18, that's a long-term relationship.

Can you remember what she said to you?

I can't, Miranda, no, but...

what made it doubly heartbreaking was I, I loved that job and...

-What?

-You didn't get the sack, did you?

Well, no, but I was very... I loved the job and then she came in

and broke my heart at this place that meant so much to me

and that added to the emotional impact of what she said.

What was it about the job that you loved so much?

Let me tell you a fact about this place.

This is amazing, right?

The regular meat which is the meat that

goes in their signature burger...

it goes from frozen to fully cooked in 44 seconds.

I found this amazing.

Fascinating. I wonder why she dumped you?

I think we should get back to the girl.

She got to the front of the queue, she dumped me there and then.

I left my station, didn't serve the other customers and then I went

to the store room and I sat on a box of gherkins and I cried my eyes out.

Oh, that's gherkins for you, though.

Kay put in her order.

-She puts in her order and says I would like...

-Kate.

-Oh, Kate.

-Oh, that changes everything..

-What's her name?

-Kate.

The Special K joke doesn't work. I didn't want to say anything.

-Kate.

-Kate.

-I thought it deserved a bigger laugh.

I wondered why the hell you said it!

You're always trying to work it round to Crunchy Nut. Leave him alone.

Why don't...? Richard, you be young Richard, OK,

at the counter of this fast-food outlet.

David. You are a normal customer.

Dale is Kate.

Could I please have a, a, a Filet-O-Fish but with no cheese?

Hold the cheese, and put the cheese on the chips, please.

Excuse me, sorry, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...

Where are the toilets?

They're just, they're actually just next to my till, actually,

the door's just about there.

I'll...see you later, Kate.

Oh, gosh, it's my girlfriend, Kate. Hello, Kate.

Well, I thought I'd come in and see you tonight.

-I haven't heard...

-LAUGHTER

What's funny about that?

Oh, it's Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady.

I'm afraid, Richard, it's over. You're just not my kind of guy.

SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS THEME

Aw, beautiful. So, what are you thinking, Lee?

Does this sound credible to you?

I'm suddenly going truth, I think

he was dumped in a queue at said burger joint.

I find it staggering that he remembers all the facts that he

remembers about how long it takes meat to defrost and yet he cannot

remember what she actually said when she got to the front of the queue.

-But is he...?

-The answer to that is, he's a man.

So, Lee, what's it going to be, truth or lie?

-You're saying lie, Clare?

-I am.

-Miranda says true.

-Yeah.

-Go on, we'll go with Miranda and say it's true.

You're saying it's true.

OK. Richard Bacon, was that the truth or was it a lie?

That story...is...

true. AUDIENCE GASPS

-Well done, well done, well done.

-DAVID: Thank you for sharing.

Yes, it's true. When Richard worked in a fast-food restaurant,

his long-term girlfriend joined the queue to his till

and dumped him when she got to the counter, and then,

to rub salt in the wound, she ordered a Happy Meal.

LAUGHTER

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guests, Robert and Will.

APPLAUSE

So, Clare, what are Robert and Will to you?

This is Robert and Will. They do my garden

and to avoid the embarrassment of me

ever getting them mixed up, I call them both Barry.

OK. Lee, how do you know Robert and Will?

This is Robert and Will. I once used them

to convince an audience I could teleport people.

And finally, Miranda, your relationship with Robert and Will?

This is Robert and Will.

I was a judge at the Identical Twins Of The Year award

and they came third, but we had to disqualify them

because it turns out they were two of triplets.

Wow, there we have it.

So, Clare's green-fingered Barrys, Lee's teleporting twosome,

or Miranda's cheating triplets.

David, where, where do you begin?

Explain the rationale behind the Identical Twins Of The Year awards.

Well, I have to say, when I was asked to come along and judge,

I was a little confused but I think there's a sort of magazine or

trade magazine or it's part... or there was some...

A trade magazine? What's the trade?

-Twins!

-The...the marketing of twins?

-Twins.

-Yeah, I've heard of that.

I've actually heard of the competition.

There is a competition to do with twins.

What do they do in the competition?

There's the physical lookalike thing, how much they look alike.

Right.

And then they also do kind of games, like Mr & Mrs type games

so it's a personality thing, as well.

Did they win, or...?

No, they came third. But they were disqualified.

-Why? Oh, cos of the triplets thing?

-Yeah.

And we did see a third. I didn't see it,

but apparently there is a third one.

So the third triplet turned up to this event?

-Yes!

-That's not exactly Moscow rules, is it?

The third one was picking them up to take them home.

-And was seen.

-Clare.

Robert and Will are your gardeners, and you call them both Barry.

Mm-hmm.

Isn't that a bit of a sort of an affront to their individuality?

No, because the first time I did it, I said,

"Would you like a cup of tea, Barry, love?"

As soon as you say "love", they're fine with it,

they just smiled, had a cup of tea and they were fine, and do you know,

when sound engineers work a lot on outside broadcasts, they

all call each other Percy, they all call each other Perce, and so they

call me Perce as well and I call them Perce, and I called them Barry.

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because they can't remember everyone's name.

-Are you sure they're not trying to mug you?

-Purse!

RICHARD: Those nails are very clean for gardeners.

Well, I hope they've had a bath before they've come.

But they are pristine, beautiful, soft hands.

I'm not coming on to you!

-Richard, if you want to go and have a look, you can.

-Thank you.

-I'd love to.

-You can't touch, but you can look.

-Would you like a look, Dale?

-Not particularly.

-Really?

-Oh, go on, then!

I'm now not as attracted to these hands as I was!

-There's dirt under the nails.

-Don't touch, Dale.

Could you turn them over?

DAVID: I feel I should have a look, as well.

It'd look unconscientious.

This here...

That could be the remnants of soil.

They're not very big, so...

You know what your gardener's hands look like?

I'm like everyone else here, apparently, I don't have a gardener.

You'd probably expect I'd have about nine.

What did you think of what you saw, Richard?

How did the hands rate for you?

That's actually thrown me a little.

I regret going over there, to be honest.

-Did they look like...?

-Well, from this distance,

they were beautiful, pristine, manicured hands.

Close up, there's dirt under the nails.

LEE: I hope these poor fellas are gardeners!

They're not, by the way!

Erm, Lee?

Yes?

You're going to bother going through this one, are you?!

What was this particular show? You were trying to pretend

-that you were able to teleport people?

-Correct.

-Was it a stage show or TV show?

-Was it a stage show or TV show?

That's funny, are you an interpreter of Dale?!

I thought you'd said it. I'd missed it so asked my captain.

Sorry, what's your friend saying, David?

Was it a stage show or a TV show?

OK, it was a stage show.

And where was it on?

It was on at the Hackney Empire.

And when was it on?

It was on in the mid-'90s.

And what was it called?

It was a new act competition for new people and I thought

I'll do a magic trick cos it'll impress everyone.

Yeah, to make up for the comedy.

What did you say at the end? "I'm sorry, everyone, but I CAN teleport."

Talk me through the act. What did you do?

-Magic Circle, love, Magic Circle.

-Right.

-Can't tell you anything.

He's going to tell us...

So, what's the illusion we're supposed to be seeing?

-I'm not going to tell you how I did it.

-It's the Magic Circle!

You're not going to say you made it look as if you teleported!

Oh, I see. Yeah, very wise!

I'm not giving away my secrets on television!

So, go on, Lee, what did you do?

You're there on the stage, the audience are enrapt.

I come on and I bring someone out the audience,

and then I put them in a box at one side of the stage,

or in a cupboard actually, I put them in a cupboard,

-and then I do a bit of the showbiz magic...

-Yeah.

Said a few words... Can't remember now, might have been "Alakazam".

And then I opened up a box

and out comes the first person who's gone in out the other...

Well, it looks like that, but he was already in the box.

And he sits down and the audience give me a big round of applause, so that's actually quite good.

-He goes and sits down in the seat.

-So you've done the teleport thing, then what?

Straight into the levitation, I'm not an idiot.

Actually, as a technique for a magic trick

to try and make it look as though someone's magicked across the room,

-it's clever to use identical twins.

-DALE:

-Do you still do it in the act?

-Hey, don't tell me, tell the judges that night.

-How did you do?

Awful, came third, turns out I was a triplet.

Right, we need an answer, so David's team,

are Robert and Will Clare's green-fingered Barrys,

Lee's teleporting twosome, or Miranda's cheating triplets?

What do you think, Dale?

I think it's Lee, I think he's telling the truth.

-OK. Richard, what about you?

-I don't believe Lee.

They had a bit of soil on their hands. I think they're gardeners.

David, what about you?

I don't think Lee did a random magic trick

at the beginning of his try-out spot at the Hackney Empire in 1995.

Maybe he did, but I just don't believe it.

So I think I agree with Richard.

-I think it's Clare. I think it's...

-You think it's Clare?

-Yeah.

OK, here we go.

Robert and Will, would you please reveal your true identity?

-I'm Robert.

-I'm Will, and Lee tried to convince an audience that he could teleport.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. Lee used Robert and Will to convince an audience

he could teleport someone. Thank you very much, Robert and Will.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.

We start with...

Lee.

-Possession.

-Right, there's a box under the desk, Lee.

Now, I'd like you to take the item out of the box

and hold the object, then read the card out, please.

This is my dibber. I donated it to the British Lawnmower Museum

where it is now a permanent exhibit.

-Right, David.

-What is a dibber?

What's a dibber? A dibber... That's a good question, David.

And would you believe me if I was to say I don't know?

But it's a... It's a...

-Yes, I would.

-I'll mime it for you!

-Could be any of these.

-OK, yeah.

It's to do with gardening.

So what does your dibber do?

-Pardon?

-What does your dibber do?

Are you... Are you Fred Flintstone?

Answer the question! What does your dibber do?

I'm not 100% sure, but at a guess,

I would say the dibber is for pushing holes in the ground,

-and then maybe popping something in there like a seed.

-I see.

How did your dibber come to be in the British Lawnmower Museum?

I'll tell you, Inspector Morse.

Have you ever been to Southport, my home town?

-Er, I have, yes.

-Oh, great!

Can I start again?

-Yes.

-Right, I have never been to the British Lawnmower...

-I was online, I was online!

-But it is in Southport?

It is in Southport, that's true, and I did see it online.

What did you put into Google that that came up?

Well, you don't want to know that!

But I noticed on the website there was a bit that said,

"The tools of the rich and famous." "Famous tools" is what I typed in.

There is actually...

I do know for a fact that there is a British Lawnmower Museum,

because I have donated a trowel.

-You haven't! I

-have, honestly, Rob. I donated a trowel.

What IS this museum?!

But surely they want a lawnmower?

-So you saw the Lawnmower Museum online.

-Online.

-With a list of celebrity artefacts.

-There was quite a few.

Brian May from Queen had given a lawnmower.

Joe Pasquale had given a strimmer.

So what happened then?

I thought it'd be nice to do cos it's my home town.

Sorry, you saw that and you thought, "I want a piece of that."

I want a piece of the action. Prince Charles, he gave something.

-This is where the story falls apart.

-No, that's not where it's falling apart!

But what is asked to donate to...?

I wanted to donate something and thought it'd be nice

to have something of mine, cos it's my home town.

So you picked up the phone...

-I picked up... You're still doubting my abilities, aren't you David?

-HE SCREAMS

It is not your ability to make a phone call...

"There's a man in the phone!"

Are you seriously saying that the fact that you could

have physically made this phone call means I should believe that you did?

I picked up the phone.

You say, "I could have made the call. I'm physically capable.

Therefore, it happened, David, end of story."

I phoned them up, I said, "I'd like to donate something,"

they said, "What have you got?" I said, "Dibber."

-You knew its name?

-Well, actually, I...yes.

-You knew its name but didn't know what it was for?

-That's actually not true.

-So what did you say?

-I took advice before the phone call.

-From whom?

-From who?

-From whom?

-I'm not doing it if you put an M at the end.

-All right, from who?

-Thank you.

Who's putting the M at the end, know what I mean?

-No-one any more, no-one!

-Who did you take advice from?!

I shall tell you.

You found a thing in the shed, didn't know you owned it,

you didn't know what it was, who did you ask about it?

You want to know from who?

I want to... I want to know who you asked about that object

-in order to find out what it was called.

-I shall tell you.

Well, please!

-David Tennant, or as I call him, Dr Whom.

-You asked...?

-You asked Dr Whom?

-Dr Whom.

-Who did you ask?

-Tom Baker.

There are seven billion humans on Earth.

Please, let's not eliminate them one by one.

Er, I asked my wife.

So David, what do you think? Is Lee telling the truth or is he lying?

-Dale?

-I don't believe a word of it.

If it is true, it's one of the best acting performances I've ever seen.

Thank you, if it's true.

-You think it's true?

-No, I do not. No, it's a lie.

-OK, what are going to say?

-We think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie?

OK. Lee, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

true.

Not only is it true, but how exciting is this?

We've got a picture.

There it is, in situ, at the British Lawnmower Museum.

Yes, incredible, isn't it, eh? Just a simple tool...

who donated his dibber to the British Lawnmower museum. Next.

It's Miranda.

I once embarrassed myself in front of the local vicar at Christmas.

-Is that it?!

-Vague, isn't it?

-Is that all we're getting?

-Well, no, we can get more.

-What happened?

-Well, er, it was Christmas,

and the vicar had to come round to my aunt and uncle's

where I was having Christmas.

Sort of drinks, I think.

I went to sit next to him and sat sort of...

-and sat on the edge of a sofa.

-Mm.

And as I sort of sat back like that, I broke enormous wind.

And did he say anything?

-He sort of...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

He's here!

No, I don't think he did, which is what made it so funny for me.

Why did you go over to sit next to the vicar to start with?

Because I think my sister was there, and I thought,

"Oh, no, she's been lumbered with the vicar,"

and I thought, "Oh, she might need some conversational help."

-Brilliant!

-Yeah.

-Which I sort of provided!

What direction was the vicar at this point?

I don't know if he was down or upwind, but he was involved.

You saw his hair move?

I think, actually, what I did was...

That is a great image, isn't it?

I think I burst out laughing and did one of those laugh-spits.

Laugh-spits?! So having farted at the man, you then spat on him?

-You know when you go...

-SHE MIMICS FART NOISE

-So, it was like...

-REPEATS NOISE TWICE

-So, what do you think, David? What are you going to say?

-Hmm.

Miranda, the way you told the story, I couldn't work out... You had lots of pauses.

Was that for effect or were you thinking it up?

And I think, probably, you were making it up as you went along,

so I think it's probably a lie.

Hmm, Dale, what do you think?

Miranda is one of those fabulous people in the world who's uninhibited with...

-Am I right? You're kind of like, "Oh, what the heck, I don't care!"

-My face is a mask.

So, you think it's true, you think it's a lie.

-Yeah.

-I'll say I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

OK, Miranda, true or lie?

It is actually...

true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Miranda did embarrass herself in front of the local vicar. Next.

Oh, it's me.

When I'm in a play, as part of my nightly vocal warm-up,

I perform sets of scales in the voice of a chimpanzee.

-Will you give us a quick rendition?

-Of course.

-HE MIMICS A CHIMPANZEE

-Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

-HIGH-PITCHED

-Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

You just go through the scales as a chimpanzee.

Is it just for plays, cos I've been next to you in a dressing room for a gig

and I didn't hear chimpanzees?

I used to do a singing tape of...

-IN STYLE OF A VOCAL WARM-UP

-# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #

-And then... That was lovely.

-It was lovely!

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la. #

That really is lovely. Don't blow your nose!

Rob, where did you get this from?

Was it another celebrity that gave you the idea?

No, no, it was one night I was doing it and the other actor said,

when I started going, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,"

he says, "Just relax." "Ooh-ooh-ooh." He said, "You sound like a chimpanzee."

So then I went, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh."

I found it really opened up the diaphragm and actually worked.

Can you go the other way? Can you go from high notes down?

That's what Dale was asking me earlier!

Is he angry, Lee, is he angry?

Well, it's hard to tell what colour his face is, but can you go...?

Can you go from the high note down?

-INCREASINGLY LOW-PITCHED

-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

-Oh, excellent!

-That is good.

Who was the actor who said you look like a chimpanzee?

-Miranda, you know very well he didn't say I LOOKED like a chimpanzee.

-Sorry!

You won't trip me up like that. It was Kenneth Branagh.

-Kenneth Branagh gave you this idea?

-He did, he did!

Yeah, laugh it up, Balding.

I know your reaction was to laugh!

The reaction was, "How preposterous."

The man with the breakfast cereal would be in a play

with Kenneth Branagh, yet it was true.

So what are you thinking?

-IN A DEEP VOICE

-Mitchell, Winton, Bacon.

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Do you think it's true?

-Oh, absolutely, he does it so well.

-I think it would sort of help.

-What about you?

-IN A DEEP VOICE

-Balding, Mack, Hart.

Sounds like a series of illnesses, that!

"I'm afraid you've got Balding-Mack-Hart."

-What are you going to say?

-I think he's probably lying.

You're saying true...

I imagine you and Branagh having a right old hoot doing that together.

-I'm going to go with Clare.

-You're going to say lie?

-Yeah.

-You're saying true?

-ALL: True.

-It is in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. When I'm in a play, I don't perform sets of scales in the voice of a chimpanzee.

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 4-2.

APPLAUSE

But of course it's not just a team game

and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Dale Winton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Dale Winton, a man who lies so much,

I don't know how his wife and three children put up with it! Good night.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd