Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show teeming with tall tales, and tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight - a comedian who once starred

in a programme to find the world's most dangerous road.

Turns out it's the one between Snappy Snaps and George Michael's house,

it's Rhod Gilbert!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedy actress currently on our screens in Miranda

who also co-created Smack The Pony,

a sketch show that received critical acclaim,

Emmy awards and a stern letter from the RSPCA.

It's Sally Phillips.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a showbiz legend whose TV show

once drew an audience of 15 million people.

Admittedly, there were only two channels and no remote control -

Des O'Connor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a lady who co-stars with Bruce Forsyth on Strictly Come Dancing,

but she's here tonight in her own right,

so there'll be no more mention of Brucie.

It's nice to see her, to see her nice, Tess Daly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so to Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement. To make things harder, they've never seen

the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Des, you're first up tonight.

LAUGHTER

For three days running, I accidentally ate cat food for dinner.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

Right, um.

LAUGHTER

So how did this happen?

It was an accident.

But it happened for three days, so we're looking at nine meals.

No, I didn't eat every meal, but I ate on one of the meals

one a lunch time, one a snack and one a dinner.

But not necessarily in that order.

And I'm assuming you thought the cat food was something else?

Why would you assume that?

Because otherwise, Des, it's not an accident.

LAUGHTER

Was it wet or dry cat food?

I'm not a cat, I don't know.

But as a, you know,

a highly evolved mammal, you do know the difference between wet and dry.

It depends what we're talking about.

Des, have you, have you got a cat?

No.

I would point...

There's a chink in this, isn't there, there's a little chink in this.

I would point out that this didn't happen at home, obviously.

-Where did it happen?

-Abroad.

I was abroad in a foreign country.

-Which foreign country?

-Which foreign country?

I don't know, I didn't see their flag.

How did you eventually find out that it was cat food?

I had rented a place. It was in Spain.

I had rented a villa, and I had to go and do my own shopping.

And I was walking around and I saw these tins

with a little fish on the side. I thought, that'll do.

I don't speak Spanish that well.

I bought it back and I was opening it, and the lady who was

doing the house went, "No, no, no, miaow, miaow, miaow."

LAUGHTER

-What did you think it was, Des?

-I thought it was a kind of fish.

-Like a tuna, perhaps?

-Yes.

I'm surprised there wasn't a picture of a cat.

-LEE:

-Why would there be a picture of a cat?

You don't get a picture of a human on a Pot Noodle, do you?

-You always have a picture of a cat on cat food. Even in Spain.

-Not always.

-I could give you an example when there wasn't.

-When?

Des, tell him again.

Right, David, what are you going to say? What's your guess?

Is he telling the truth?

I'm beginning to think it's true, I must say. I'm sorry, Des.

I'm coming round to it.

-David?

-I think it's true.

So, Des, are you telling the truth or telling a lie?

They all think it's the truth, but...

it's the truth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Des did accidentally eat cat food for dinner for three days running.

It was his cleaner who first noticed something was wrong.

Namely that Des was licking himself clean in front of the fire

and going to the toilet in a tray.

Rhod Gilbert, you're next.

I cannot go on airport travelators. The one and only time I did,

I got so freaked out by how superhumanly fast I was walking

that I had to be taken to the sick bay to calm down.

Lee, what do you think?

Right, just how fast would you say you were going?

Superhuman was the word I used.

OK. How fast would you define "superhuman"?

-Because I've got my own definition.

-What's yours?

-Ah! I asked you first.

Let's just say it went very fast, and I didn't like it.

You say you had to be escorted off and taken to the sick bay?

I wasn't escorted off - I got off the end and sought assistance.

-You felt nauseous?

-Yes, that's right, I felt NAUS-eous.

What's the difference between NAUS-eous and nauseous?

David, what's the difference?

Excuse me! You could have asked me!

Excuse me! I'm a human being!

I'm imagining you'll refer me to David.

David, what's the difference between nauseous... is it simply pronunciation?

-I think it's simply pronunciation, Rob.

-Thank you, David. As you were.

I'll tell you another thing I don't like - it freaks me out when escalators don't work.

You know when you go up an escalator, and you're exhausted,

and your legs are burning and they don't work.

It's more tiring than the stairs, and when you get to the top,

you fly off the end like that? That freaks me out.

That, I don't like that feeling of lack of control.

The escalator doesn't work, yet you still fly off the top. Why's that?

-I don't think you do fly off the top.

-No, you do fly off the top.

That is your brain telling you a lie.

No, my brain doesn't tell me anything. Honestly.

Rhod's brain does not tell him anything.

It's not my brain telling me that I'm flying off the escalator.

You're saying at the top of a stationary escalator,

you're in some way thrown off the end of it as if it were moving.

That's nothing to do with the electrical motor in the escalator

-that isn't turned on.

-I'm not saying it is!

That's because you're using a certain amount of extra energy

in order to go up some stairs, and then suddenly it seems,

well, you'll find that at the top of a normal flight of stairs.

-No, you won't.

-Yes, you will!

Nobody flies off the top of normal stairs!

Hang on, let's give it a little go. Whoa! You're right, David!

You're quite right. What are you on about?

What I'm going to tell you now, Rhod, you may not be ready to hear,

but the feeling of getting to the top of a normal

flight of stairs and the feeling of getting to the top

of an escalator that is not turned on IS the same.

-Rubbish, it's not. It's not.

-It is the same.

-It's not.

-This is madness.

It's not.

-You started off saying...

-I'm not going to discuss it any more.

I've told you the information, and, at some point, you will accept it.

-Rhod, you're on this travelator.

-I was.

And you didn't like the fact you were going so fast.

-Would that be a fair assessment?

-That's exactly what I said, so yes.

Why didn't you stop walking, so you weren't going as fast?

I just don't like the way they... shift along. I just don't like it.

Oh, it's the up-and-down motion!

There's that little cushioned padding in it.

You could have walked backwards and then you'd have been

standing still, if you'd judged the speed right.

Well, I had a plane to catch, David.

-What do you think, Lee?

-Tess, what do you think?

-I'm trying to read his body language,

because I'm a woman, and we do intuition very well.

He's very laid back and he seems very committed.

-He might be telling the truth.

-What about you, Des?

-I think he's telling the truth.

-Thank you, Des.

-I think he might be telling the truth.

You're saying true?

-True.

-True. Rhod, truth or lie?

-It is...

a lie!

Yes, it's a lie. Of course, Rhod can use airport travelators.

Our next round is called This Is My...where I bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that

has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Tony!

APPLAUSE

Welcome, Tony.

Rhod, what is Tony to you?

This is Tony.

And for five years, he was my badminton doubles partner.

Right, Sally, what is your relationship with Tony?

This is my Uncle Tony, and last year, I had a go on his mobility scooter

and I drove it into a pond and wrote it off.

Finally, David, how do you know Tony?

This is Tony, and when I was little, he used to help me

get to sleep by telling me bedtime stories about the war.

Isn't that lovely? There we are.

So, Rhod's badminton buddy, Sally's scooterless uncle

or David's bedtime storyteller?

Before you start asking, I'm going to bring a chair on for you,

and you can have a lovely sit down there. There we are. You relax there.

-Lee?

-Sally, does he use the mobility scooter a lot?

He's had two hip replacements.

So he can get by without it?

The fact he walked on fine, he can get by.

I don't think they're just for old people. I've got a bath with a door.

I think it's nice.

That was more a DIY mishap, though, wasn't it?

I think it's nice to open the door, step in,

wait for 19 or 20 minutes while it slowly fills up in the freezing cold.

I think it's lovely.

Why did you take the mobility scooter in the first place?

Because I was going to play a psychopath in a film,

a psychopath on mobility scooter, and I said, "Can I have a go?"

because I can't drive a car.

Sally, how far did you drive before you went into the pond?

A good distance. I didn't know I had it in reverse.

So you were very close to the pond?

It wasn't far from the pond, but it was facing that way,

and I took it out of park, the wrong way, and went backwards.

-Was your uncle with you at the time?

-Yes.

How much instruction did Tony give you before you got on?

Well, he thought, as he said afterwards over tea,

many, many times, that it was quite self-evident

how one drove this thing.

He said all it had was a little gear tiller,

-and he thought even a nincompoop...

-TESS:

-Backwards and forwards...

Did he say gear tiller? That's a nautical expression.

You obviously felt on some subconscious level

more comfortable at sea.

-Did you buy your Uncle Tony another mobility scooter?

-I did.

How much was that mobility scooter?

Yes, how much that mobility scooter?

-It was £1,500.

-For a brand-new mobility scooter?

Hang on, is that right, Des?

-How long ago were they, that you were playing badminton doubles?

-That we were doubles partners?

-Yes.

-10-15 years.

-LEE: And when did this end?

When did this end?

We had to stop because...I was getting on a bit.

-How did your partnership begin?

-Well, we played for the same club.

What was the club called?

Um...it was in West London.

West London. You can't remember the name of the club?

-It was called Old Actonians.

-Old Actonians Badminton Club?

-Yes.

Did you wear the full gear, short shorts, you know?

No, I wore a miner's helmet, and he wore a frogman's outfit!

Of course we did, Des!

-Did you ever win anything, yourself and Tony?

-We won a lot, yeah.

And why did you come about playing together?

No disrespect, but why didn't you go for someone more of your age?

Because we complemented each other's game.

When you say, "complemented each other's game", you went, "You're good", "So are you, come on."

Out of you two badminton players, who would you say was the better?

Tony was a much, much better player than me. Tony played for England.

ROB LAUGHS

This started out, "We were just knocking around

"in a West London club." Now he is the Rafael Nadal of badminton.

If he played for England and he was so good,

why is he choosing you to partner him?

I think it would be fair, and Tony wouldn't mind me saying...

when I played with him, he would have been probably in his early 70s.

Whoa, whoa! When you were playing with him?

When I was playing with him, yeah.

OK. The prime age for badminton. Particularly at international level.

OK, David. What's your connection with Tony?

-He lived next door when I was little.

-And he read bedtime stories?

-He would occasionally babysit for me and my brother.

-TESS:

-It's feasible.

Made up, or these were his stories from the war?

Not out of a book, but ostensibly true.

Did he ever just shout them through the wall?

"We were surrounded by Germans. And so, basically..." "I'm trying to get to sleep." "I don't care."

-How old were you?

-I think I would have been...

23!

I think it was around the time I was five, six, seven.

It could happen. I had a neighbour who would sing me nursery rhymes and bounce me on his knee.

Am I the only one who had parents? What's going on here?

I think perhaps what it was, Lee, with you is your parents found it hard to find

any other adult who was willing to take sole responsibility for you.

Now, let me ask you this,

would Tony ever come round, not for babysitting,

but just to tell you some of the stories,

or would it only happen when he was babysitting?

I think it started when he was babysitting,

but he'd come round quite a bit anyway.

Oh! You just did an upwards inflection!

I've never heard you do that before. That's so not like you.

"Sometimes he would come round, ANYWAY!" What's happened to you?

Look, I'm on national television and I'm getting a bit defensive

about talking about my abuse-ridden childhood.

That's all!

Of all the war stories he told you to help you go to sleep,

what would you say was your favourite?

The thing I found most interesting was the story Tony told about his mother,

who, during the war, worked in the library in Oxford.

This is the interesting one?

And what she had to do was compile and analyse

and place photographs of the Japanese coastline.

I tell you what, it's getting better. Carry on.

This was in preparation for an invasion of Japan.

And you said, "Thank you..." - as a five-year-old -

"..that's very interesting."

Because by the end of the story, I was asleep.

It's time for an answer, Lee. So, is Tony...?

Sorry, I'm trying to get the idea out of my head

of passing David's door and hearing a man inside going,

"Obviously, with the coastal line of Tokyo, it's very hard

"to determine whether we should have a land invasion or by... Oh, you're asleep.

"OK. Nighty night!

"Sleep tight! Don't let the Japanese invade!"

I think, Rhod we can discount. There were too many flaws.

I agree with you, I think it's one of the other two.

I've got a horrible feeling that it's David in the middle there.

I know which one David is.

All right, what about the mobility scooter with Sally?

-Have you ever taken your driving test?

-No, I've never even taken it.

I've never learned to drive.

You can't emphasise the word "even" if it's the same thing.

"Have you taking your driving test?" "I've not EVEN taken it."

So, Lee's team, is Tony Rhod's badminton buddy,

Sally's scooterless uncle or David's bedtime storyteller?

-What are you going to say?

-It's not Rhod.

-Tess, what you going for?

-Sally.

-I think David.

-And in a weird way, I've now gone back to Rhod.

-I have.

-Thank you.

-I can see it in his little Welsh eyes.

In his little devious Welsh eyes.

Trust me, if there's one thing I know about working on this show, it's little devious Welsh eyes.

-Rhod or Sally?

-It's Sally.

-Sally?

-Yeah, Sally.

-Sally.

Right, Tony, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Tony,

and Rhod was my badminton partner for five years.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Tony was Rob's badminton doubles partner.

-Tony, thank you very much.

-Well, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth but also against the clock,

and we start with...

BUZZER

It's Lee.

Possession.

Right, well, in that case, step this way and take the card,

read the card to us, and when you've done that,

you can reveal your possession.

In Thailand, I paid £200 to have my portrait painted by a monkey.

This is that portrait.

-David, what do you think?

-What colour shirt were you wearing?

You probably want to ask less what colour shirt I was wearing

and what colours were available to the monkey at the time.

You don't particularly remember it being green?

No, and I don't remember having four green ears either.

What colours were available to the monkey?

Blue, red, green and its own excrement?

That's my face!

Can I just say, I was recently at a zoo

where I was painting with chimps, in the Colwyn Bay mountains

in North Wales, and I tried to get them to paint stuff,

and there's no way they'd have done that well.

I'm not being racist, but that's your Welsh chimp.

-That's all I'm saying.

-How big was the chimp?

Well, let me remember now. He was sort of like this.

I'd say he was about... that big sat down,

so that plus a couple of chimp's legs.

I honestly don't think that a monkey... There is a sort of mouth

on that and there's two blue blobs for eyes - monkeys can't do that.

You think it's too good is what you're saying.

Yes. I think the resemblance is too strong.

It's even got your little squinty eyes.

Don't push your luck.

The things I have to put up with on this show.

-You're wondering why it's like this, OK?

-No, a chimp did it...

It could have been better, but he was a surrealist.

David, what are you going to say? Is this story true?

I think it's a lie.

I think it's an absolutely pointless act to get a monkey to paint

a picture of you, and I think Lee would also have thought that.

I think Rhod thinks it's a lie, we know that. Sally?

He looks like a hard man. He wouldn't be easily fooled.

-David, you're saying a lie?

-I think we all think it's a lie, yeah.

-Lee?

-It feels weird being up here

-and not being able to press something. Do you mind?

-Not at all.

It is, in fact...

a lie.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yes, what a surprise. It was a lie.

-Of course it's a lie!

How am I supposed to sell that as the truth?!

Do you know what? I'm glad it's not mine.

How am I supposed to have a chance?

If my four-year-old son is watching, erm...

..thanks for doing it, and I'll fix it and I'll bring it home.

Tell him I want my 200 quid back and the monkey suit.

Yes, it was, of course, a lie.

Lee didn't pay £200 to have his portrait painted

by a monkey in Thailand. Why would a dumb, hairy beast

who spends all day throwing his faeces at the wall

and scratching his bottom want a portrait from a monkey?

And next...

..it's Sally.

Out loud, Sally.

Because he swims in our local pool, my husband and I play a game

over text called I've Just Been In The Water With Trevor McDonald.

I'm currently beating him 3-2.

Well, it sounds plausible.

Did I have a couple of blackouts in that sentence?

I suppose there might be some people watching who aren't aware

of who Sir Trevor McDonald is.

He's the esteemed newsreader and journalist. Just in case.

There could be some young people who don't know who he is.

So if you go swimming, and Trevor McDonald's in there,

-you get a point? That's the rules, right?

-Yeah.

-Do you live near him?

-I do live near him.

-Do you ever talk to Trevor McDonald?

-Not really.

I made eye contact with him when we were both buying fireworks once.

You didn't bother playing the game,

I've Made Eye Contact With Trevor McDonald Over Fireworks?

-That didn't catch on?

-No, because it's important he's in the water.

Sally, who saw him first?

My husband saw him first, cos I'm quite short-sighted, as you can see.

-Was he swimming?

-Yes, he was swimming and...

-And what?

He wears nose clips.

Does he? Are you concerned that he's going to watch this programme,

-and this is now going to be awkward?

-I am a bit concerned.

The person who'll be really gutted is my dad.

He says hello to him in the supermarket.

He's got his own game going with your mum, has he?

It all started cos my dad was name-dropping Trevor McDonald... "Trevor McDonald said hello..."

so we started going one better...

You live in a very small village, don't you?

You know this is true, don't you?

Of course, because we live near each other in show-business land.

There's a swimming pool, a fireworks shop and a supermarket.

It's a lovely place!

Is he a serious swimmer doing laps?

-He goes up and down.

-You mean on the spot?

Up and down would signify sinking and desperately trying...

-You mean back and forth.

-He does lengths.

-What's his stroke?

-He alternates.

-He alternates between what?

-Between breaststroke and front crawl.

-Which do you prefer?

I'm afraid I have to do breaststroke.

You've got to keep your head above the water to keep a lookout for newsreaders.

So what do you think, Lee?

What do you think - is Sally telling the truth?

You're making it up, it's a fib.

-What do you think?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah, I think it's true.

-I'll go for...true.

-You're saying true. OK.

Sally Phillips, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Sally and her husband don't play a game over the text called

I've Just Been In The Water With Trevor McDonald. Next...

it's David.

On a wall in my flat, there is a mysterious red switch.

I have no idea what it does, because I have never pressed it

and refuse to do so.

Right, mysterious red switches. Lee?

-Where's the switch?

-It's on the wall.

Sort of, not directly, but slightly behind the television.

Haven't you just...been tempted to touch it? See what it does?

It's not that distracting.

It's bright red, I'd say it's about maybe three quarters of an inch

or an inch wide.

It sounds like one of those cooker switches, doesn't it?

It's a bit like that. It's cocked up in a sort of inviting way that you might want to give a tweak to.

-You'd have to flick it down.

-Exactly.

-That's always more scary, isn't it?

If it were down, I'd assume that whatever it does was happening.

-Right.

-I'd be afraid to turn it off, because I might need it.

-It might turn the oxygen off.

-You've never gone near it, never touched it?

I've gone near it. I've gone very near it!

I don't live in a very large flat.

I can't cordon off a whole area of the living room

just because of the proximity of a mysterious switch.

I need that space.

How long have you been in your flat and ignored this switch?

I moved into the flat about 11 years ago.

That's a long time to ignore a switch.

But sometimes I do other things. It's not just been solidly ignoring the switch 24 hours a day.

How is your granddad's dialysis machine going at the moment?

Lee, what are you going to say? This mysterious switch, is it true?

I started believing it, because I thought, yeah, you have

those switches in your house and don't know what they are for.

-I've got them.

-But you'd have to flick the switch?

-I'd have to flick it.

-I would be flicking that switch.

You can't not fiddle, can you? It's there, you've got to play with it.

LAUGHTER

I remember seeing an episode of the show

when David talked about his bedroom door, which didn't have a door handle.

He had to claw his door open every time

he opened his bedroom door, so he's not going to bother about a switch.

-He lives in a slum.

-Basically, yes, he does.

-He lives in a slum.

-So I say it's true.

If they paid proper repeat fees on Dave, it would be different.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee, what are you going to say - truth or lie?

-Des?

-He's telling a lie.

-You think he's telling a lie.

-Yes.

-Why?

I don't think he could ignore it.

Look at that intelligent face, look at that beard.

He does look like a professor.

-He doesn't have a bedroom door handle, Des.

-How do you know?

LAUGHTER

-So truth or lie?

-I think I will go with...Tess and say it's true.

-You're saying it's true. David, truth or lie?

-It is...

true.

Yes! Finally!

Success!

Yes, it's true.

David does have a mysterious red switch on the wall of his flat

which he's never pressed.

BUZZER

And that sound signals time is up and it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have won by 5 points to 1.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Sally Phillips.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Sally Phillips who's given us

more barefaced cheek than a leapfrog competition at a nudist colony.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd