Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening! And welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show where deceit and dishonestly is applauded and rewarded.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a woman with a thing for athletic men

and sporting talent.

Look out, David, it's sports presenter, Gabby Logan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an actor and writer who created the series Outnumbered,

a sitcom about living with unruly juveniles,

so he'll be right at home tonight. It's Andy Hamilton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And over on Lee Mack's team tonight - she's been in countless fights,

been kidnapped by her own husband and had an affair with her GP,

and that was just on the way here tonight.

All the way from Albert Square, Eastenders' Diane Parish.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the doctor who pokes and prods the patients

on his TV show Embarrassing Bodies.

Forgive me if I don't shake hands, it's Dr Christian Jessen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round One, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Now Gabby, you're first up tonight. Off you go.

When I want to remember something late at night,

instead of writing it down, I just grab an object from my bedside table

and throw it across the room.

There we are. Lee, what do you think?

So what's the theory behind that?

Well, I think that if I throw it, in the morning,

I'll remember what it was that I was trying to remember.

So if you were lying in bed and you were thinking,

I must remember tomorrow to pick up the pillow,

you'd get the pillow you'd throw it...

Have you experimented with slightly easier techniques

of remembering stuff like, pen and paper maybe?

It is quite odd to throw things, but actually, in a way,

having a pen and paper next to your bed I would say is odder.

I'd be more freaked out, like it was some sort of marking system.

LAUGHTER

Is that why there's pen and paper next to the beds in hotels?

It's in case people want to mark each other?!

It's not just for Countdown, David.

LAUGHTER

When was the last time you did it?

Do you remember when I did it?

LAUGHTER

Sorry! What was that? What was that?!

That was an odd moment, wasn't it?

First of all we're trying to work out which of the two of you

she's looking at,

if indeed, was it both?

What happened there is I considered saying something,

and then stopped myself, I thought, before anyone had noticed

I'd considered saying something...

And I, for comedic effect, pretended that we were sleeping together.

Trust me, we knew it was for comedic effect.

LAUGHTER

It's the only reason anyone ever does sleep with me.

The last time that I did it,

was to remember... I think I hadn't done my kids' school lunch boxes,

so it was to remember to do their lunch boxes.

Does it have to be something related?

So if it's to remember to book a taxi,

do you throw a model taxi on to the floor?

Will there be a clue?

AS DAVID FROST: Will the clue be there as we go through...?

I'm doing David Frost.

Somehow when I trip over them in the morning,

it just immediately triggers.

So, Lee, what's it going to be?

I think it's a 50/50 one, this.

Oh, no, no, sorry!

What would your percentage balance be?

I think 100%, it's a lie.

That's a big call.

-Which way are you leaning, Christian?

-Oh...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, for heaven's sake, please!

-I nearly answered that.

Must this be a festival of smut?

I suspect it's probably true.

I think I'm going to lean more towards Christian

and say that that is true.

You're saying true. OK, Gabby.

Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

I was telling the truth.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Whenever Gabby wants to remember something late at night,

she grabs an object from her bedside table

and she throws it across the room.

Andy, you're next.

I used to write and hand in homework for an imaginary class-mate.

LAUGHTER

So, you used to write... You used to do homework

-for an imaginary class-mate, and hand it in to the teacher?

-Yeah.

For a pupil that he didn't have cos they were imaginary?

Yes. It was a collective effort...

Who was the group of collectives?

It was the class.

Are they real friends, the class, or...?

Yeah, yeah, with names and everything - real people.

What was his name?

He must have had a name, but I can't remember what the name was.

One of our class was quite enterprising.

This teacher was new, he was a French teacher,

he came in and he read the register, and one kid went,

"Sir, you've missed out..." I don't know,

call him Fisher for narrative purposes,

and so this guy wrote in an additional name, in his register.

And then you kept the pretence of this boy up

by doing his homework for him and handing it in?

Yeah.

And, just out of interest, this teacher,

-when he handed the homework back...?

-Yeah.

..did he come up to you and go, "Give that to Fisher."

LAUGHTER

Well, that would've been a problem.

Right.

But, he was... He wasn't a great teacher.

He couldn't remember my name. I sat near the window,

so he called me "Windows".

-A French teacher, did you say?

-Yeah.

He didn't call you Windows then?

He did. He didn't call me "Fenetre". He called me Windows cos that was...

Often the very best French teachers speak English as well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who sat his exams for him though? You couldn't sit his exam papers.

He was off sick quite a lot.

Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

So at which point did you own up and say, "Look, sir. Fisher..."

We've killed Fisher.

LAUGHTER

He was doing too well.

He never found out and the school decided to let him go

and then the deputy headmaster, as I recall,

came in and ticked us off,

and said that he wasn't prepared to tolerate fictional children at his school.

LAUGHTER

I think that's what he said.

So, Lee Mack, what are you thinking?

I can't believe it, cos I just don't think kids would create

that much work for themselves.

A lot of factors have to be true here. There has to be -

they all agree to do it, we have to believe the teacher

never looks up during the register and that no-one...

Fisher was off a lot. Fisher wasn't there every morning.

Fisher was never there, Andy!

LAUGHTER

Andy, can I ask what's Fisher doing now?

The awful thing is, for a moment there I tried to think,

I actually went...

Time to take a guess, Lee. What are you going to say?

Oh we, trust me, this won't be a guess.

This is not true.

Not true?

If it is, I'm worried for Fisher's welfare. I think he's...

Fisher doesn't exist!

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight thinking about Fisher.

There is no Fisher!

LAUGHTER

Come on, Lee. What's it going to be, truth or lie?

Lie.

Let's put Fisher quietly to rest and say it's a lie.

OK, it's a lie.

It's a lie, OK, Andy. Is it true or is it a lie?

There is no Fisher...

but it is true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what happened to Fisher then?!

Yes, it's true.

Andy did write and hand in homework for an imaginary class-mate.

Now remember, it's funny to have imaginary friends at school,

but when you start signing on for them, it's fraud.

Diane, you're next.

When I travel by Tube,

I like to see how many strangers I can make yawn by yawning myself.

My record is nine in one carriage.

David's team.

Well, let's see how good you are at faking a yawn. Oh, you...

Oh, that's good.

Although I have been speaking so it's not a test...

Gabby's gone, Gabby's gone.

I'm feeling a bit...

I yawned earlier when you were talking about it earlier.

That's good, David! Brilliant.

This would be great for the trail. Coming up on BBC One.

Your record was, what was it?

Nine.

Nine, and how long a Tube journey was that?

I think I started at Cockfosters, and I think I'd ended up

at Piccadilly Circus, yeah.

I remember where I was going actually.

-You started at Cockfosters?

-That's the end of the line, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right at the end of the line.

-Do you live at Cockfosters?

-Thereabouts.

The reason I'm inquiring about Cockfosters

is that, obviously, it's a well-known station name,

because all of the Piccadilly line trains going in one direction

are going to Cockfosters and I think, therefore...

Going from Cockfosters is...

Or going from, obviously I'm aware that you have to...

The same number of trains have to come from there as go to there,

otherwise they'll end up stock-piling.

So I'm not denying that many trains emanate from Cockfosters.

What I'm thinking, though, is that you were thinking,

"What Tube journey could this have been?"

and Cockfosters came into your head cos you've seen it so many times on the display in the station.

And that's making you think that you're lying.

Your honour...!

When I say to people about that end of the line, it's like it's Brigadoon!

It's not... It's there! People live there, there are lovely houses.

No, no, no, no. Cockfosters is a fictional place!

That's where Fisher lives.

LAUGHTER

When you yawn, Diane,

in order to draw attention to the fact that you're yawning

and spread your yawn more effectively, do you make any noise?

Do you just do...?

Yawning isn't the noisiest of...

You can do a noise, you go...

EXAGGERATED YAWN

-I do it.

-See, it works.

VERY EXAGGERATED YAWN

LAUGHTER

That's how I yawn, my wife loves it!

VERY EXAGGERATED YAWN

Let's all yawn like...

Let's all yawn how we feel.

ANGUISHED WAILING

"Not more!" I often say when I yawn.

LAUGHTER

"Kill me now!" I say when I'm tired.

Diane, one thing that troubles me about this is that you are,

because of Eastenders, a very recognisable face.

-Yeah.

-I would have thought you'd be wanting to...

We yawn.

I'm not saying nobody in Eastenders yawns,

certainly the viewers for one.

LAUGHTER

What, what I'm saying is...

APPLAUSE

What I'm saying is that, someone who is in the public eye

often doesn't want to draw attention to themselves.

Interestingly enough, of course, if you're yawning, you look less like yourself,

so it's a way of not drawing attention to yourself by going...

I don't think, Lee, that anyone...

I genuinely do that if I'm in a situation like where there's,

it's not often, but people recognise me,

I'll slightly change the shape of my face. I'll sort of go...

LAUGHTER

Are you Lee Mack?

I'll go, "my name's Fisher".

"I live in Cockfosters."

So what are you going to say, David?

It could be true. My instinct is that it's not.

I know, I think she was so genuinely enthusiastic when she told it,

and she's only just seen that and it's a lie,

I'm not sure she'd have quite that enthusiasm for it.

But she is an actress.

In EastEnders.

How very dare you...!

LAUGHTER

You think it's true.

-So your instinct is it's true, and your instinct is it isn't.

-Yes.

Well, I think it's not true, that's my instinct.

-I'm two to one.

-So we're going to say we think it's a lie.

Diane. Truth or lie?

It's a lie.

Well done!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Diane does not see how many strangers she can make yawn

when she travels by Tube.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

Please welcome this week's special guest, Kevin.

So, first of all, Christian, what is Kevin to you?

This is Kevin and he's the surgeon who performed the operation

after I swallowed one of the pieces from the board game Operation.

Diane, could you explain how you know Kevin?

This WAS Kevin, but he is such a big Eastenders fan,

that last year, he changed his name by deed poll to Albert Square.

LAUGHTER

Finally, Lee, your relationship with Kevin?

This is Kevin, he has worked as my bum double.

LAUGHTER

There we are. So, Christian's toy surgeon,

Diane's real-life Albert Square, or Lee's cheeky friend?

David's team, where do you want to start?

Hmm, well, what a barrage of plausibility.

Christian, what piece from Operation was inside you?

It was the wishbone.

How old were you when you swallowed it?

About 23.

LAUGHTER

Why did you swallow it then?

Well, we were at medical school.

LAUGHTER

And it was a sort of a dare.

I have a friend, um, who has, shall we say he's got a tremor.

I bet him, I said "You cannot remove all of the pieces

"from Operation without setting off the big red buzzy nose,

"and if you can, I will swallow a piece of your choice."

We've got a picture here,

just to show you. You had little metal pincers,

and you had to get the little plastic pieces.

There was the Adam's apple, the broken heart.

-What's the scale of this, how long?

-It's about yay big.

So the wishbone thing...

-Small.

-Small.

Where did it get stuck?

It got stuck in my lower oesophagus,

and the next day I had a sharp pain and I coughed

and a little bit of blood sort of puked up a little bit, um...

I'm feeling a bit faint now.

OK, bit of blood. It's not going to get worse, is it, than blood?

Well, it would if I'd left it.

So this blood was coming from your stomach?

-It had stuck in the side of the oesophagus.

-Yeah, but...

You don't just...it must have cut something, mustn't it?

You don't bring blood up

-with things being stuck, do you?

-I don't feel well.

You have a sphincter at the lower end of your oesophagus

that stops food coming up into it. That sphincter had closed

on to this spiky little bit of plastic,

and that's exactly what happened.

It's all right. It's just like...

It's just like a shoe getting caught in a door.

And what sort of procedure was it to have it removed?

Do they have to hack you open, pull the flesh back off,

-take a big claw...

-He's doing that deliberately.

..blood coming out like that,

spurting over the face of the surgeons, there's blood everywhere and they're reaching

and pulling out organs and intestines,

and then a little creature comes up and goes "Eaaagh!"

And then they get the little piece.

Or was it a keyhole thing?

Or was it just a small camera with a little grabber on the end

that went down there, grabbed it and pulled it out?

OK, so do you want to move on to another suspect?

Yes. Diane.

Kevin's name is now Albert Square?

Yeah.

How did you come to meet such a weird person?

He's not... He's a fan of the show.

We see our fans a lot. They... Kevin waits outside - sorry, Albert

waits outside Elstree studios for us to drive in and out and we stop and sign autographs.

And he has cufflinks on, I notice.

Unusual, isn't it, for a fan

-to kind of hang outside the show...

-Why?

Well, somebody who stands outside of Elstree...

-Yes.

-I wouldn't imagine him to be, kind of...

-Perfectly decent, good people. What are you saying?

Well, he is dressed, at the moment, I would say,

more like somebody who has an office job,

and those hours don't necessarily collude with filming times.

Very clever, how you handled that.

-Does he look like a surgeon to you?

-Could be a surgeon.

-If we're talking about his looks,

he's got a nice bum.

LAUGHTER

Did he say what he was hoping to achieve

through changing his name?

This is the thing. There are people

that absolutely love the show, and this is just something...

I can't explain it for you.

You see, I would say

-the standard response to loving the show...

-Yeah.

Would be to watch the show.

That's you.

-Fans do do weird things, though, don't they?

-Right, so Lee.

Yes.

In which of your glamorous film roles was a bum double required?

It wasn't a film role.

It was in my situation comedy, Not Going Out.

You may have heard of it.

Don't clap, don't clap.

If he has to start it, it doesn't count.

What is wrong with your bottom?

-Nothing wrong with my bottom.

-Why couldn't they use your bum?

I didn't want to get my bum out on national television. Fair enough, isn't it?

Why should Kevin have to - sorry, Albert have to get his out?

It's Kevin.

If it's the bum, it's Kevin.

Unless they're all true.

A brilliant surgeon becomes obsessed with EastEnders.

What was the scene?

The character I play, who's very similar to me, actually, was, er,

in an adult movie. And at the end, I was hung upside down

and whipped by a lady also playing someone in the adult movie industry.

-Could Kevin turn round so we could see his bottom?

-Yes, would you turn round, please,

Kevin, so we can see your bottom?

Thank you. And would you, would you like Lee to...?

Could you, Lee, stand up and turn around?

No problem at all.

Can you turn round and lift your jacket up?

This is like a really strange police line-up, isn't it?

Um, Lee's bottom is about half a size bigger.

You what?

LAUGHTER

-Has this episode gone out, Lee?

-I don't know, but if the question

you asked about us getting up doesn't get in, they'll think I'm having a wee break.

LAUGHTER

You, er...?

Been here a lot? It's all right here, isn't it?

The hand driers are broken, by the way.

Are you satisfied?

Kevin, you can turn back round now, thank you very much.

So what are you thinking?

I think he's called Albert Square.

-Do you?

-You think it's Christian, don't you?

I'm between Christian and Lee.

But the bet is odd. "I'll swallow one of these bits of plastic."

I'm not sure I believe that.

The thing is, there's no massive logical problem with any of those.

They're all stories that sort of hold water, but also are unusual.

How entertaining for the nation.

It could be any of them. It could be any of them.

I think, when you don't know, pick the middle one. Lee.

-You're saying it's Lee.

-Yeah.

So, Kevin, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Kevin,

and I did indeed play Lee's bottom double in Not Going Out.

Yes, Kevin was Lee's bum double and, excitingly, we've got a picture.

Look at that. That is...

You didn't mention the donkey.

-Thank you very much, Kevin.

-Thanks.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies. And we start with...

BUZZER

Lee.

I shaved off a beard I had been growing for weeks

because I didn't want David to think I was copying him.

LAUGHTER

David, on the team with two beards.

Yes.

-How long ago was this?

-About two months ago.

What was it that alerted you to the fact that I had grown a beard?

Well, I looked at you and you had a beard.

LAUGHTER

Are you all right? Are you having a breakdown?

Were you ever together in the same room with beards?

We did a radio show together and you had a beard, and then...

He doesn't remember the radio show. Look at his eyes, glazed over.

"Who the hell is this man? I thought he was my driver."

Do you recognise me now?

"Hello, Mr David, sir, nice beard."

And then about a couple of months later,

I don't know if you remember this or not,

but I invited you round to my house for dinner.

Yes, I remember.

Thank God for that. And you came.

-I was there as well.

-Rob was there too.

-What a cosy picture we're painting.

-Yes.

We were all there, all together, and we sat in this position.

I sat at my table.

Rob there. David was sat in the other room.

And at that point, had you shaved your beard off?

I have a beard a lot when I'm at home when I'm not doing a telly show,

and I get rid of it if I'm doing a telly show.

And I said something to my wife like,

"David's got a beard. He might think I've grown a beard to copy him."

And I just said that as a joke. But it festered.

So many of your jokes do.

LAUGHTER

So I thought "I'll give him a bit of a chance,

"I'll shave the beard off so there's no unsaid tension."

-So you shaved it off there and then?

-I shaved it off ten minutes before you came round.

What are you going to say, David, truth or lie?

It's a very caring portrait of himself.

Yeah, you might have thought about that before you came on, actually.

It seems that Lee's very worried about your feelings.

I mean, it's very touching.

I wouldn't go that far.

OK, David.

I think we think it's true.

All right.

Lee, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

true.

I'm all heart, David, I'm all heart.

Yes, it's true. Lee did shave off his beard

because he didn't want David to think he was copying him.

Next...

BUZZER

It's Christian.

Possession.

Ah, OK, now. Look at that thing next to you with a drape over it.

First of all,

pop that up on to the desk, keeping it hidden under the drape.

And then before you unveil the object,

would you read the card out, please?

LAUGHTER

This is my monkey, Elsie. She watches over me while I sleep.

And now please reveal Elsie.

Oh! I'm so sorry, David, she could have shaved.

-This is a dead monkey, isn't it?

-Oh, my.

Yeah, you should know!

Oh, no, love. Look at that face!

-Is Elsie actually stuffed?

-No, she's very well trained.

What disappointed her so badly when she died?

-Dying.

-Death.

So where did you find Elsie? Did you kill her yourself?

I was flicking through a magazine. Of interiors.

And in the magazine was an advert for a shop that sells fireplaces.

And monkeys?

And on the fireplace was an arrangement of objects,

including the monkey.

So I phoned up the place that sold fireplaces

and said, "Oi, give us your monkey."

-And they did.

-What's the story with the tiara?

Just out of interest, completely separate subject,

does anyone think that Camilla will ever become Queen?

LAUGHTER

I just thought I'd throw it open, have a discussion. What do you think?

I didn't mean the monkey with the crown!

That's genuinely a stuffed monkey?

Can we have a look at it?

-That is genuinely a stuffed monkey.

-Are we allowed to inspect it?

Yeah, you can inspect his monkey if you want to.

Why don't we bring the monkey to you?

What are you doing, all three of you?

You look like an act you'd have in the Royal Variety Show in the 1970s.

-I have to stretch my legs at this point.

-I'll bring it to you.

-Oh, all right.

I'm just wandering around.

I'll bring it to you.

This is chaos.

Join me, come on, join me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can we have a look at the tiara?

-Oh, I've left the tiara.

-Let's have a look at the tiara.

-Where's the tiara?

-My God, it's terrifying.

You know when you're asleep, Christian,

and you wake up in the middle of the night

and she's looking down on you

with that glum expression, doesn't it unsettle or unnerve you?

No, I find her very sort of... soothing.

Monkey!

So what are you going to say, David? Is it a truth or is it a lie?

Firstly, I'm going to hand that back.

I think you should be insuring that. Not for theft, I wouldn't have said.

It looks like he's just won a wildlife BAFTA.

Is it the truth? Is this a tall story?

We think it's a lie.

-I...yes.

-I think we all think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

I think Christian's a very good actor.

-So you're saying that it is, then...?

-A lie.

A lie, OK, Christian, was it the truth, or was it in fact a lie?

It is in fact...

True.

Very well played.

Good work.

Yes, that was all true. Christian does have a stuffed monkey

who watches over him while he sleeps.

KLAXON

That noise signals that the time is up. It's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have won by 4-2.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Andy Hamilton, a man whose stories are as fake

as the smile on his face

after four months of filming with those kids on Outnumbered.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd