Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where being a fraud gets a reward.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a man named Richard, who's an adjudicator on a BBC One quiz show,

so when I call him Clever Dick, I'm being factual, not rude.

From Pointless, Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And a comedian and actor whose distinctive looks

can only be described as when Goliath ate Rik Mayall.

It's Greg Davies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who once told me

he was as sane and normal as the next man,

although at the time, he was standing next to Vic Reeves.

It's Bob Mortimer.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And in Holby City, she murdered people, had affairs with doctors,

got pregnant, and was attacked by patients.

It really was quite an episode.

It's Patsy Kensit.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with Round One, it's Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Greg is first up, Greg, would you reveal all?

At school, I invented a game called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.

LAUGHTER

There we are. Lee's team, what do you think?

-What was the game called again?

-Umm...

LAUGHTER

It was called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.

Right, and can you describe the game to us?

Myself and several friends we all had snorkel parkas.

-What is a snorkel parka?

-Yeah.

-For some of the younger viewers?

It's a, it, it's a large hooded coat with a fur-lined collar.

-Oh, the one that comes out at the front?

-Yeah.

-And it's fur.

And you can, you can zip it up so that it comes right up,

and, so that only your eyes are visible.

-Right.

-Can you describe the rules, imagine we've never met.

I've got my snorkel parka, what would happen next?

Well, then you and I, Lee, will go to the music practice room when...

I'm not falling for this again.

LAUGHTER

And you zip up your snorkel parka, and then you,

-when someone's practising their violin with the violin teacher in the music practice room...

-Yeah.

You duck down below the window,

and then you just come up with your snorkel parka on.

LAUGHTER

So just imagine you're a historical re-enactment society.

-All right.

-You've got your members there.

-I suppose, I suppose...

-How would you...

I'd have to fully demonstrate it with, by using my, um, making an ad hoc snorkel parka.

-Feel free to ask Richard and David to help you out on this.

-Will you help me out with this?

-Um...

Well, I...I... you see this is one of the moments where...

LAUGHTER

I don't like having to...

LAUGHTER

-All right.

-Want to do it?

-Yeah, all right, yeah.

ROB LAUGHS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We'll probably have to go...

Below our desks. Like this.

Below our desks. Right.

So if, so if you imagine this was the music practice room and...

And there was some, someone in there having a lunchtime,

a lunchtime violin lesson.

-Yeah.

-You, you would wait until they were in mid-tutorial and then...

-Right, I'm picturing it, yeah.

-And then together...

-Yeah?

-After three.

-OK.

One, two, three...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-Ah...

-That's it, really.

LAUGHTER

Was the secret to the game that they never knew who you were, cos you were...

They wouldn't know cos it's only your eyes showing,

-and they'd tell you to go away, so you'd duck down, and then leave it a minute...

-And come back up.

-Yeah.

-What age were you?

-Maybe...

Please tell me you weren't one of the teachers.

LAUGHTER

-Maybe 13, 14.

-Right the way through till when you left?

-Right through till sixth form, yeah.

You never got told to stop this, or you got a...?

Yeah, well, they'd bang on the window and be really furious with us. Then we'd...

For five years, they were banging on the window.

They never once thought to come out, and say, "Lads, it's getting really boring."

-LAUGHTER

-But you see...

-I know who you are, Greg, because you're eight foot six.

-LAUGHTER

But just out of interest, by show of hands, who would like to play Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room?

I will.

Yeah.

I'm quite keen on the game.

I've, I've already played it, I didn't really enjoy it. PATSY LAUGHS

-It sounds ridiculous, I mean the last time I...

-It does sound utterly ridiculous, Greg.

It's almost as if you're lying.

LAUGHTER

-Do you think he is lying, Lee? What are you going to say on this one?

-Well, I actually believe him.

I could just see you doing that for, for kicks and giggles.

Bob, which way are you leaning with this?

-Well, it's got the anticipation, it's got the jeopardy, it's got the lot.

-Yeah.

-What a game!

-Something tells me you're going to get a phone call from Waddington's.

-LAUGHTER

If this gets picked up, just cos I've talked about it, it's mine, right?

Only if you really played it. If it's a lie, if you haven't copyrighted it...

-If it's a lie and I've just read it off this thing, whose idea is it?

-I'm...

-The person who wrote the lie.

I'd like to,

I'd like to maintain the rights to Balaclava Sports Hall.

LAUGHTER

-If...

-Yeah.

-If anyone's interested.

-Right, Lee, it's time to take a guess, what are you going to say?

-We're going for true.

-You're saying it's true, OK.

-Greg, were you telling the truth?

-Well...

-Or were you telling a lie?

Well, right, because that would make me utterly pathetic, wouldn't it?

Yes, I was telling the truth.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, it's true, Greg did invent a game

called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.

At school, Greg was very popular with the other pupils,

not surprising really,

considering they'd created him in a science lesson.

LAUGHTER

Richard, you're next.

I once buried a badger with The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.

Lee's team.

I know the programme, but who is that, who is the...

We never hear The Banker, do we?

No, I'm not allowed to tell you, if I told you, I'd have to bury you alongside the badger, I'm afraid.

-Oh, so the badger found out, is that what happened to him?

-LAUGHTER

What's burying the badger a euphemism for?

LAUGHTER

-This banker.

-Mm-hmm.

-Can you describe him to me, please?

Yes, I could do.

LAUGHTER

He's just a guy like you and I, somewhere in between you and I.

Well, which one is it?

-Somewhere in the middle.

-Why do you know the guy from...?

I've known him, I, way back when I,

-I used to be the producer of Deal Or No Deal.

-Right, and what's his name?

-Er... He is called The Banker.

-No, what's his real name?

-I can't tell you what his real name is.

It's on the credits of the show. LAUGHTER

-Tell us!

-What does it say on the credits of the show?

-It says, "The Banker as himself."

-Why was the badger dead?

-Yeah.

-Er... We hit it with a car, unfortunately.

-What were you doing in a car with him?

Er... About 70?

LAUGHTER

Ha!

BOB LAUGHS

We were on holiday together.

-Where were you on holiday?

-Er...

Badger country, Cornwall.

GREG: Was Edmonds there? Sorry, I'm not part of this am I? Sorry.

It's a good question, though, Greg, was Noel there?

-No, it was a holiday.

-Can I...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE ROB LAUGHS

Before you buried the badger, did you put him in a box,

and then there's loads of other empty boxes,

and you had to choose which box was...

Dead squirrel, wrong box.

-PATSY: I think it's very sad that the badger died and everything.

-Yes.

-But why so much trouble to dig the grave?

-Because The Banker's wife was with us.

Oh. Can you tell us her name, or does she work for...

-I can say her name.

-Does she work for the Iranian government?

-LAUGHTER

What is the name of The Banker? PATSY LAUGHS

Was this during the day or, or of the evening?

-It was, it was late at night.

-Late at night.

-PATSY: Were you, were you, had you had a, you know?

-I'd had a few, yeah.

-So you got spent? PATSY: You weren't driving, then?

-No, I wasn't driving.

-Who was driving, The Banker?

If he won't name The Banker, he's not going on national television and go, "I was driving, I was mullered."

-LAUGHTER

-I say badger, I mean nun.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-Um... And then what?

-The Banker's wife then says we should bury it.

-The Banker's wife, it's sounding like Cluedo this, go on.

-LAUGHTRE

To which the obvious answer is, "We're not going to bury it, it's sort of, it's two in the morning."

-Right.

-"It's really cold and it's dark."

-What, what's happened, then?

-So the badger is dead.

-Right.

-Yeah.

Sad occasion, I'm not underestimating the sadness of it,

there's probably a badger wife and badger children at home, I accept that's sad.

-Are you not allowed to say their names either?

-LAUGHTER

So you checked the gender of the badger, you know it was a male badger.

-LAUGHTER

-Or a female badger in a same-sex relationship.

LAUGHTER

Who'd adopted a small badger, perhaps an orphaned badger without a home in need of a rest.

I think you're wildly overestimating the sophistication of the badger community.

-LAUGHTER

-But what happens next?

-Er... We went back...

-Yeah.

-Got spades...

-Yeah.

Went back to where the badger lay prone.

Buried it, said a few words.

-What did you say?

-Yeah.

Just said, "Lord protect this badger."

-LAUGHTER

-Or words to that effect.

-If only you'd have said it an hour earlier.

-LAUGHTER

So go on, "Lord protect this badger..."

I think I, I said a few words about the family of the badger, and they... some words of apology.

-Tell us the word, I want the words.

-Ah...

I apologise to the family of this badger,

wherever they may be...

LAUGHTER

-But I'm guessing they're nearby.

-Yeah?

-Put some stones on it, went back home, started drinking again.

LAUGHTER

So Lee, what's it going to be? Truth or lie?

-BOB: Oh, I think it's true, Lee.

-Bob thinks it's true.

-Do you think it's true?

-Patsy?

-I don't believe the badger bit, I think the badger bit's...

That's quite central to the story.

LAUGHTER

-But everything else you believe.

-I believe he knows The Banker.

-Right.

-I think he knows The Banker's wife.

-Well, there's your answer.

-I think...

-We think it's true, apart from the badger bit.

-LAUGHTER

-OK?

-Lee, Lee, it's time to make your mind up.

-Well, it's true, it's true.

-You're saying it's true?

-Apart from the badger bit.

-Richard, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

-I was telling...

-..the truth.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, it's true,

Richard did bury a badger with The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.

Patsy, you're up next.

When I was younger, I was regularly paid to babysit Marvin,

my neighbour's pet dog, who had died and been stuffed.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

Right, so that you were...

you were babysitting the dog only post-mortem.

Yes, after, after he'd died.

What did your duties involve?

Well, they were elderly people, they'd leave out, like, food,

and water, and what I used to do, because I felt so sorry for them,

was I would sort of pour a bit of the water away,

and, like, halve the food and stick it in, you know, the, the rubbish

under some kitchen roll.

So they'd come back and say, "You see?!"

-He's alive!

-"He IS alive!"

They thought the dog was alive, did they?

Well no, they, they can't have, but they behaved, I mean, it was just, it was,

it was a very unusual family, and she had pictures,

framed pictures of him when he was alive and when he was stuffed.

-LEE:

-How do you know the difference?

-Well...

-In photographs?

-Cos it didn't look, it wasn't a good stuffing.

-LAUGHTER

-The stuffed one, he always looked exactly the same wherever he was.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, his expression didn't change much.

-What sort of dog had Marvin been before?

-A Yorkshire terrier.

-Right, and then what...

-And we had a Yorkshire terrier called Pepper, who was alive, I'm glad to say.

That was rubbing their nose in it, wasn't it? LAUGHTER

-Stuffed Peppers!

-But our dog...

LAUGHTER

Very good, very good.

APPLAUSE

But our dog was, like, totally untrained, I mean adorable, but...

Whereas Marvin was so well behaved.

-LAUGHTER

-What position was Marvin stuffed in, what was...?

-Standing.

Did he have a facial expression, was there any kind of emotion coming from...?

-Like this, he was like that.

-LEE LAUGHS

So like he was angry.

Like he'd died in a, in a battle.

-BOB: During the...

-Maybe he was stuffed to death.

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

What a way to go!

If I had a stuffed dog that was stood up,

I'd put one of its legs in the bucket, in a bucket,

then I'd always know where that bucket was.

LAUGHTER

What do you think, David, which way are you leaning on this?

-What do you think, Richard?

-It sounds quite convincing.

-You're convinced?

-Well, I think it's impressively told if it's a lie.

-I think impressively told, a lot of the detail...

-You're not an actress, are you, Patsy?

-LAUGHTER

A lot of people would say I'm not, actually, so...

-SHE LAUGHS GREG:

-Well, I think it's a lie.

My instinct is that it's the truth.

-We're going to say it's true.

-You're saying it's true, OK.

-Oh, no...

Patsy Kensit, were you telling us the truth, or were you telling us a lie?

That story...

was a lie.

Oh...

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie, Patsy wasn't regularly paid

to babysit her neighbours' stuffed pet dog.

So at the end of that round,

Lee's team are in the lead by three points to nil.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, team. Well done.

Our next round is called This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

-So, please welcome this week's special guest, Pauline.

-APPLAUSE

So Richard, what is Pauline to you?

This is Pauline, last year we met at a Snoop Dogg gig,

-and we bonded cos we were the two oldest fans in the room.

-LAUGHTER

David, how do you know Pauline?

This is Pauline, when I was a cub, she was the Akela,

and she had to take me out of the scout hut once

for asking too many questions

when we were being given a talk by the police.

LAUGHTER

And finally, Greg, your relationship with Pauline.

This is Pauline, she's my mum.

She once drove past me when I was having my first fight,

and got out of her car to cheer me on.

LAUGHTER

-Lee's team, where do you start?

-Greg, how old were you on this first fight?

12?

Right, and so, where was this, at school?

Er, no.

Where was it?

Um, outside the...

Outside the music room?

LAUGHTER

It was in the street.

-In the street?

-Yeah.

-Who were you fighting?

I, I honestly can't remember his name,

he was a lad, er, and he was in the year above me,

and I remember he had fairly distinctive, um... red hair.

-Is that why you fought him?

-LAUGHTER

I fought him because he'd fought one of my friends.

-Oh, OK, so this was like, er...

-PATSY: Revenge.

-You were doing a heroic gesture.

-Yeah.

-And he was older than you.

-Yes.

-What was your friend called?

Well, I'm from Shropshire, so he, he was called, er... Chinese Dave.

LAUGHTER

Is everyone called Chinese Dave in Shropshire?

No, I'm just thinking, he was called Chinese Dave, and I don't know the reason,

-he certainly wasn't Chinese, I think it's cos he used to wear a hat.

-LAUGHTER

-That would be it. That would be it.

-That'll be it, probably.

What was your fighting technique, do you recall?

It was a sort of, sort of, windmill of bones,

just like this.

A windmill of bones! I give you the Windmill of Bones!

LAUGHTER

What was your mum shouting at you by way of encouragement?

-Um... I mean as I recall, it was just, "Get in there."

-LAUGHTER

-"Do him!"

-PATSY: Do him, yeah.

"Get in there, son," is what I...

-And was she there the first time you had sex?

-LAUGHTER

-PATSY: This was in the street, your mum was driving.

-Yeah.

-Past you, saw you...

-Yeah.

-She knew about the attack on Chinese...

-Dave.

-Dave.

Dave, yeah, that wears a hat.

So I presume she saw what was going on,

and thought, "Oh it's good that my son is avenging Chinese Dave's..."

-So does she get out of the car or do it from the window? Was it a drive-by?

-No, she got out.

When you, you didn't win the fight, did your mum then,

-surely she stepped in and stopped it or did she say, "Keep fighting!"?

-Well, let me tell you, Patsy...

-Yeah.

-The fight came to a fairly abrupt end.

-Why?

-And I'm going to give you some very specific detail now.

-Thank you.

-Um... Because I was chewing Polos during the fight.

-Mmm.

-Er...

-Please don't, you're not going to try and convince us

that they came out, and your mum thought it was teeth.

-Teeth.

-Hear me out.

-LAUGHTER

He is, he is.

I, I got, I got caught in the mouth, and literally, I spat Polos everywhere,

-and my mum went, "Oh! Oh no! His teeth, his teeth!"

-LAUGHTER

-What's your mum called?

-Pauline.

Has she got a nickname, like Heckling Pauline or anything like that?

LAUGHTER

No, although I would tell you she, she has an impressive history,

cos she was in a play-fight with my dad once,

and he locked himself in a toilet.

Yeah?

And to get to him in the play-fight,

my mum punched a hole through a door.

LAUGHTER

So, there's obviously,

there's obviously a violent streak in this woman.

PATSY LAUGHS

-It is true, though, it's definitely true, and that is my mum.

-Who's next, who are you going to do next?

-OK, so we'll go with David, shall we?

-Yeah.

David, just let me recap, am I right in saying that there was a talk by the police?

-Yeah, they...

-At the cubs.

-Yeah.

And you, you asked one too many questions to the policeman?

Yes, I was ask... I was full of questions.

What kind of questions were you asking?

Well, I was asking about various, you know,

issues involved in fighting crime.

How old were you?

I think I was about eight.

Right. What kind of crime fighting questions were you asking?

Well, you know there was, there was a lot of, there was a problem,

I felt... LAUGHTER

-There was a problem with vandalism and graffiti...

-Yeah.

-..in the area, um...

You know at that age you're supposed to be taking part rather than complaining about it.

-Yeah.

-That's OK, different upbringings, that's fine. What other questions?

I asked a lot about the... The locks in Cagney and Lacey.

I was at the time very aware of the security measures

in all of those flats in New York, and the big locks on the doors, and I said,

"Why don't we have locks like that, and how can..." You know,

-"How can we keep burglars out "if we don't have locks like that?"

-Right.

And the policeman was saying how you can't keep out a determined burglar.

-Right.

-And I was saying, "Well, why do we lock the doors at all, then?"

LAUGHTER

But I wasn't aware he was supposed to, trying to get on with the talk,

and maybe questions would happen at the end,

and maybe they wouldn't all be asked by me.

-LAUGHTER

-Where was this, where was this cubs?

-It was in, er, in Headington.

-Headington?

In, yeah, where I grew up.

-Well, I know that, I don't think you travelled.

-Yeah.

-I assumed it was where you lived.

-Yeah.

-Otherwise that would be bonkers.

-"Where are you from?" "I'm from Newcastle."

-No, my parents thought about...

My parents had heard about a very good cub scout group

about 400 miles away, and they, they thought about driving me there

to get the very best training in... LAUGHTER ..tying, you know, absolutely.

What badges did you get, David?

Don't talk about badgers in front of Richard.

LAUGHTER

Richard.

-Lee.

-Remind us once again of your, of your truth.

Pauline and I met at the Snoop Dogg gig.

PATSY: Where? Where was he playing?

Er... It was at the Forum in Kentish Town.

-When was this, what year?

-Last year.

-Last year.

-So he was called Snoop Dogg, cos he's been called a lot of things, hasn't he?

-He certainly has.

-In the olden days, he was Snoop Doggy Dogg, but now just Snoop Dogg.

-LAUGHTER

But whereabouts were you in the Forum, where were you watching the show from?

Well, we met when there was a delay, as there often is at rap concerts,

there's sort of an hour delay, so I'm...

For why, why was there a delay?

-Well because of Snoop, you don't know, you don't rush Snoop.

-LAUGHTER

Who supported him, did he have a support act?

-Uh yeah, Korrupt.

-LAUGHTER

What was...

-With a K.

-With a K, wow.

-With a K.

BOB: I'd have left after them. LAUGHTER

-PATSY: What was the, what was his hair like, Snoops?

-Snoops?

What, how was he wearing his hair?

He was wearing his hair, he had sort of corn rows, essentially.

-He knows all the words, doesn't he?

-Yeah.

-He's definitely read up on this.

-Yeah.

And, OK, and so, and then you guys, your eyes met across the...

-No, in, in this delay I went up to...

-Yeah.

There's a little quieter bar upstairs,

and I went up there to play a bit of, er, Scrabble on my phone...

Oh, come on!

Because I was with younger people, they were enjoying the support act,

enjoying the fact there was a delay, there was loud music playing, I was enjoying it less.

-Yeah.

-Pauline was reading a book. Right, right...

So I thought, OK, she's quite bored as well, of this thing,

-so, anyway I'm playing my thing, she says, "Well, what are you doing?"

-Yeah.

I said, "Playing Scrabble on my phone." She said, "I didn't know you could play Scrabble on a phone."

-So I showed her, we started playing Scrabble, have done ever since.

-Ever since?

-What, you're going out with each other now?

-LAUGHTER

You know what, Lee?

Early days, early days.

LAUGHTER BOB: Have you actually met up with Maureen since?

OTHERS: Pauline.

LAUGHTER

-Ah-ha-ha! GREG:

-You're not going to be able to dissect us with those blunt little words.

So Lee, where is, where is this, where is this leading you, what are you thinking, Lee?

Patsy, do we believe any of these people, cos they're all sounding chronically untrue.

The Chronic, of course, was one of the first albums Snoop was on, Dr Dre...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

PATSY: Um...

I could see David in his cub shorts and being, being worried about the graffiti,

he sort of strikes me as the sort of person, it would have upset him, and he...

-BOB:

-I'm intrigued by the slight physical resemblance

-between Greg and the lady.

-Yeah.

-I know what you mean, yeah. Um...

Do you mind standing up, Greg, again,

-would you stand next to this lady you claim to be your mother?

-GREG: Next to my mum?

-Well, let's call her "a woman" for now.

-LAUGHTER

Right.

-Now...

-LAUGHTER

PATSY: It's so weird.

I'm guessing for this mean average to work out,

-your dad is the Jolly Green Giant.

-LAUGHTER

-BOB:

-No, but you see, Lee,

it's a fact that a son has to be taller than their mum.

It's either Richard or Greg, I think, so that's my answer.

-So you think...?

-I think it's Richard.

-You think it's Richard, you think it's Richard or Greg.

-Yeah.

-My team say Richard.

-DAVID: Don't forget the...

-What are you going to say?

-The scout hut one, the...

-Oh, sorry, oh sorry, are you still here?

-The scout hut. LAUGHTER

-OK, I need an answer, and I really do need it now.

-We're going for David.

He's trying to double bluff me at the end.

-So I'm going to go with David.

-So you're saying it's David.

-And if it is David, I'll be so happy now.

-You're saying it's David.

-I think David.

-Pauline, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Pauline.

I am Greg's mother, and...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Pauline is Greg's mum,

and she did cheer him on when he had his first ever fight.

It must have been awful to see him fighting.

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful?

LAUGHTER

-Thank you very much, Pauline.

-You're welcome.

APPLAUSE

So at the end of that round,

Lee's team are in the lead by three points to one.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.

-We start with...

-BUZZER

Bob.

I can break an apple in half with my bare hands.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

What is your technique?

-I take it in the hands.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER Are your hands bare at this point?

-Of course they're bare.

-Yes.

Friction's very much part of this, um, this equation.

You must pull it, um... I'm going to say east to west.

A lot of people think you need to twist, you don't need to twist.

-You don't need to twist?

-You don't need to.

-You just pull apart.

-Pull apart.

-How do you get the whole apple apart?

-How do you get the grip?

Won't your hands just slide away from it?

I'd have thought you'd need to twist.

If you twist, you fail. Twisting equals tears.

LAUGHTER So you just grip the apple in your hand,

and then fling them apart, and you have two half apples.

-No, I rip it apart.

-Yeah.

The way you were miming it then, there's like downward pressure from the thumbs,

almost as if you're trying to open it like a book.

Yeah.

Is that, is that what it's like, cos I, I can believe that more than the, just, grip, bang!

Yes... No, David, that's fair enough, yes.

So you're almost like, you circle....

Oh, but I so wish it was bang, and it's not.

No, you're inserting the thumbs to try and pull it apart that way.

-No insertion.

-All right.

-No but, but...

-Downward pressure.

That's the grip, downward pressure...

And there it is.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

So where are the thumbs, are the thumbs either side of the stalk?

They're here, you know where the thumbs are, David!

-Where are the thumbs, are the thumbs either side of the stalk?

-Yes.

No insertion or penetration, just...

-Absolutely none, no, the thumbs are used for gripping, not for ripping.

-Yes.

-That's what I was told.

LAUGHTER

And if you remember that...

He's just come up with a catchphrase!

If you can remember that, you too will be parting apples.

PATSY LAUGHS

-How long have you done this for?

-I have done it for a long time.

What I used to do, to entertain,

was I used to take hard boiled eggs, peel them, I can still do it,

and I could take the shell off in one,

and you actually peel the membrane rather than trying to,

don't go rough handed, and don't, you know, take your time, obviously.

LAUGHTER

-And when did you...?

-You do... That's the correct way to present.

PATSY: Yeah!

With an apple, it's this.

LAUGHTER

When did you first discover that you could do the apple?

How did it come about, how did it come to be?

-I can't remember the first time I did it.

-Can't remember?

-I can remember the feeling.

LAUGHTER

-But I can't remember the first.

-LAUGHTER

-GREG:

-What was the feeling?

The feeling was magnificent.

PATSY LAUGHS

Right, er, David.

Um, is that, is that the truth?

I don't think so, but it could be.

Can we leave it at that?

Yes, that's fine. OK, on to the next round. Um... No, we can't.

I agree, I'd love to see him, I hope it's true, then they'll make him do it.

-Yeah.

-I'd love to see it.

-Yeah.

If it's not true...

-LEE:

-Make him do it anyway!

-Will they make him try?

LAUGHTER

So what's it going to be?

-GREG:

-I really want it to be true, but it isn't true, I don't think.

You can't pull an apple apart, can you?

You can't just rip it in half, I, I so want you to be able to.

-If you and I can't, surely...

-And I can't. LAUGHTER

I've never tried.

-BOB:

-Have you ever tried?

-If I had an apple here, and I can have a few goes.

Well, I think if those two can't do it, David, with the greatest respect...

-LAUGHTER

-It's highly unlikely you're going to pull it off.

I have tremendously, frighteningly strong hands,

as I've found out to my own cost.

LAUGHTER

APLAUSE

-RICHARD:

-Stop right there.

-So you think it's a lie, then?

-I'm afraid I do, yeah.

-OK, well I'll go with the giants.

-You're going to say it's a lie.

-It's a lie.

All right, you're saying it's a lie. Bob, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

I was telling the truth.

-Ah!

-Ah!

APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-GREG CHANTS:

-Prove it, prove it!

Well, well...

Guess what I've got...

..under the desk...

My trusty box of apples.

LAUGHTER

-It's a proper apple, ready, Bob?

-Yes.

-It's a big one.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

-LAUGHTER

-Not you, not you, him.

Does your husband play cricket?

LAUGHTER

I love that sort of thing.

LKAUHGTER

Where shall I do it?

LAUGHTER

I really hope he can't do it!

LAUGHTER

-Yay!

-Whoa!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, yes!

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to one.

-APPLAUSE

-Finally!

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Richard Osman, he's nothing but a liar,

which means that the thousands of people who lost on Pointless

thanks to his adjudication skills can now seek compensation.

-LAUGHTER

-Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd