At Christmas Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,

a very special edition filled with festive fibs.

On Lee Mack's team tonight a man who knows all about the story of Christ,

as they were at school together - it's comedy legend Barry Cryer.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian and actor who lists among his hobbies cricket,

fly fishing and tea tasting.

We've had him flown all the way here from 1953.

From Rev, it's Miles Jupp.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

forget ten lords a-leaping or seven swans a-swimming,

we prefer one Miranda a-falling. It's Miranda Hart.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he's the comedy actor who does episodes of Episodes

with his friend who was in Friends. It's Stephen Mangan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So let's begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

And Stephen Mangan is first up. Stephen, off you go.

One Christmas, my wife bought me a dog.

Rather than think up a name for it, I took him for a walk in a cemetery

and named him after the first gravestone he showed an interest in.

Well, that's lovely and festive, isn't it? Lee's team.

What was on the initial gravestone?

John Samuels.

John Samuels, so your dog is called John Samuel?

The dog is called John Samuels.

-And this...

-He's a Bedlington Terrier.

They're sort of, do you know, they've got curly hair.

Was it chosen, the curly-haired dog, for any specific reason, Stephen?

No, I can't think of a reason why I'd choose a curly-haired dog.

This dog, has it got big gnashers?

LAUGHTER

-Lee, Lee.

-I'm not sure where this is going.

-What?

-It's Christmas, it's Christmas.

Oh yeah, sorry. This dog, has it got big gnashers, happy Christmas.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What time of day do you tend to walk your dog in cemeteries, Stephen?

Well, it was only... he was only a puppy,

so I was actually carrying him, so it wasn't really a walk.

How did he show interest if you were carrying him? Did he leap from your arms?

Yes. He wagged his tail.

-Wagged his tail and up until that point, he hadn't wagged his tail.

-OK.

He'd had a really miserable Christmas,

he'd had a miserable walk - or carry - everything...

Here's the story. I'd ask my wife, if you're watching this,

to cover John Samuels' ears.

We told him it was the one he showed an interest in,

but we'd - are his ears covered? - had secretly decided it was going

to be the first one inside the gate. He thinks it's cos he wagged his tail, but actually it was the first.

-He thinks it's cos he wagged his tail...

-Yeah.

-Think about what you're saying!

-He thinks that's what it is.

Firstly, have you had a chat with him?

Wait till he finds out he was adopted, he'll go ape.

Tell us about the lovely heart-warming scenario

on Christmas morning when Mrs Mangan whipped out a puppy for you.

-I mean...

-Steady.

LAUGHTER

I think you know full well that's not what I meant, Miranda.

How did she present the puppy to you?

The puppy came with her parents.

-Wow, that's a hell of a present.

-Yeah, exactly.

Was it a special offer?

They were coming round to ours for lunch and they brought

the puppy in a little basket with a bow round its neck.

-Aw, that's lovely.

-And a big sign saying, "To Stephen."

Honestly, Stephen, how much did you want the dog?

A lot, I've always wanted a dog.

My mum never let us have animals.

We had a cat once, but it wasn't allowed in the house.

You haven't really got the cat then, have you, in that case?!

Did she just point at cats and say, "Yeah, that belongs to us"?

You had a cat but he wasn't allowed in the house?

-Well, there was a room...

-In that case, we own a cow.

LAUGHTER

Is this the first time you've done this?

Yeah, we've got one dog, that's it.

-Have you got any children?

-Two children.

How did you name them?

What, Burger King and Boots?

LAUGHTER

So what are you thinking, Lee? Does this sound truthful to you?

I'm...I'm not sure, really. What do you think, Barry?

There's too much erratic detail in it.

I don't think the narrative holds together.

-Miles?

-I think...I mean, I think this couldn't be less true.

-You don't think it could be less true?

-No.

What if it's a lie?

That's definitely less true if it's a lie, isn't it? Less true.

If I'm going to talk semantics with someone tonight, Lee,

it won't be you.

LAUGHTER

I love having Miles on the show.

He's the only person in the world that can make David Mitchell sound like Danny Dyer.

-I don't believe Stephen.

-So you think it's a lie.

I do think it's a lie, yeah.

-You think it's a lie.

-Yes.

Well, I disagree with you, so I think it's not true.

Right, Stephen, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

Amazingly, it's a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Stephen didn't take his dog for a walk in a cemetery

to choose its name.

Barry, you're next.

I'm in a four-man pub quiz team

with a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker.

David's team.

-What's the name of this team?

-Quartet.

How did you get to know the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker?

In the pub. There was much mirth cos we realised it was

butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

What's the name of your butcher friend?

-Harry Granger.

-That was quite quick.

-And the baker?

Oh...Ed.

-Ed what?

-Ed Saville.

-And the candlestick maker...

-Is called?

He's called Bill Grimes.

No, he's not!

Just cos you're dressed in like the 19th century,

the names don't have to be from the 19th century.

So Barry, remind me again, the three names are...

-Bill, Harry and Ed.

-And their surnames?

Grimes...

Do you know, you've got me there.

LAUGHTER

-LEE:

-Saville, Granger.

Saville and Granger.

-OK, next question.

-Granger.

Have the visitors been?

LAUGHTER

-They brought you some flowers, Barry.

-Did they?

-And some chocolates, yes.

They steal your trousers when you're asleep, you know.

LAUGHTER

So what do you think then, David?

-What do you think, Miranda?

-I don't know.

-I mean, all... I do.

-I think it's completely and utter untrue.

-Codswallop.

So what are you going to say, David?

-Well, I think we'll say it's a lie.

-Yeah.

You think it's a lie? Oh, dear, dear, dear.

-Barry, truth or lie.

-It was...

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie, Barry's not in a four-man pub quiz team.

Miles, you're next.

Every morning I eat one of those mini multi-pack cereals, but to

save time and washing up, I pour the milk straight into the packet.

David's team.

One of the, like, the mini variety pack cereals?

That's right, yes.

Are you often in a rush of a morning? Why are you needing to save time, please?

What I don't enjoy doing is washing up, and I've taken a sort of stand.

I bought a dishwasher, and my wife doesn't like dishwashers.

-So she insists that I wash everything up.

-Wow.

What is it about dishwashers that Mrs Jupp objects to?

Er, she objects to the noise, she objects to the...

Oh, they're so noisy, aren't they? It's like a pneumatic drill in the corner of the kitchen.

If you have a problem with some of my wife's opinions you must take this up with her.

She objects to the rise of the machines...

LAUGHTER

Does she... Does she think that the dishwasher represents

the thin end of some kind of robotic takeover wedge?

Yeah, robotic takeover wedge is the very phrase, David.

Where does she stand on the Hoover?

That is not how a Hoover operates.

So Miles, what are the...

what are the cereals you get in those little boxes?

LEE: Ha-ha, this is the test.

Well, you get Frosties, Rice Krispies,

Corn Flakes, Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes, Coco Pops...

LEE: Three more to go.

-And...

-MIRANDA:

-What's your favourite?

And if you don't get this right, this last one, it'll be "cheerio" to you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah... That reminds me, Hula Hoops, what are they...

No, Cheerios. And then it's actually on a rotation

so there will be some swaps. You don't always get eight separate...

-Could we trouble you for a full mime?

-Yes.

-Absolutely.

-You've got a little box of Coco Pops there.

-Yeah.

I draw up the inner bag, and I open it like this carefully...

Draw out its little underwear.

LAUGHTER

You've given away a lot there, David.

So I pour the milk into the bag, and then I eat the cereal and then

the little bit of milk left over, I pour that into my mouth.

Meanwhile his wife's sat in the corner weeping.

Do you find no problem of sort of sloppage between bag and inner cardboard?

Well, if I spilled something I would get some sort of disposable material

such as kitchen roll, and wipe it up and then drop it...

You don't find that something sort of...

leaks down, a bit of sticky goo, in a way that would be displeasing to someone as tidy as you?

-No.

-This is like C-3PO talking to R2-D2.

LAUGHTER

I don't have any breakfast time seepage issues.

LAUGHTER

Well, when you've been married a while that sort of stuff does tend to tail off.

What do you think? Truth or lie?

Well, what's clear is that Miles is... Well, Miles' wife is Amish.

LAUGHTER

And he's not...he's not accepting of her religious views

and that's very... That's very, very sad.

What do you think, Stephen?

I think he's thrashing about and drowning in a lie soup, is what I think.

What are you thinking, Miranda?

Because it's so ridiculous, I'm veering towards the truth.

You think true?

-Yeah, why not?

-You think lie.

-I think a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie. OK.

Miles, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

I was telling a...

lie.

It was a lie. Yeah.

Miles doesn't pour milk straight into cereal packets to save time.

Right, our next round is called This Is My, where we

bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to

one of our panellists. Now, this week each of Lee's team will claim

it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team have to spot who's telling the truth. This week's special guest - Mike.

APPLAUSE

So. Barry, what is Mike to you?

This is Mike, who's one of the three Kings who came to visit me at Christmas.

OK. Miles, what is Mike to you?

This is Mike. We were once told off by our neighbour

because our snowman was using up too much snow.

Right. And Lee, what's your relationship with Mike?

This is Mike, and last year I ordered my Christmas turkey

from his farm, but I never got to eat it

because I formed an unbreakable bond with the bird.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it. Barry's Christmas King, Miles' fellow snow hog, or Lee's turkey trader.

David's team, where would you like to begin?

-So, Barry, your...

-Yes.

Your story's unclear at the moment,

are you saying that you're the baby Jesus?

No. It was it was Christmas, and three Kings visited me.

Right, that's clear(!)

What countries were they King of?

They were not Kings in the regal sense at all.

In what sense were they Kings?

In sense of their name.

-Their surname was King?

-Yes.

I get it now. Suddenly it's more plausible.

-Here we go again. What are the names of the three Kings?

-Yeah.

Mike...

Phew!

LAUGHTER

Tony...

MIRANDA: Tony King.

-..and Denis.

-Denis King.

It's a very warm memory I've got of them visiting. I was in hospital.

They visited you in hospital?

-Yes.

-Can we ask the nature of your hospital visit, or is that too personal a question?

Oh - might be people eating who are watching this.

There won't be anyone watching it but there might be people eating.

I was bandaged up extensively.

Like a mummy?

I was. That's true.

-You were bandaged all over...

-Yes.

But you don't think it appropriate to say why.

-Well, if you insist...

-MIRANDA: Yes, we do.

Eczema.

Oh.

# Happy Christmas time, happy Christmas time! #

Happy ecze-mas.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, what about what about Miles?

OK, Miles. You and Mike were making a snowman together...

And a neighbour was very cross with us because our snowman had used too much snow.

Set the scene. Where were you making the snowman?

Northampton.

So, you live in Northampton?

No, I don't live there, Mike lives in Northampton. And I was staying in Northampton.

-Were you staying with Mike?

-Yes. Because he rents rooms to actors.

-So what was the play you were doing in Northampton?

-It was The Way Of The World.

-Right. And you were staying with Mike...

-That's right.

How did the topic of building a snowman with this relative stranger get brought up?

Say relative stranger - I was staying in Mike's house for two and a half months.

What would happen, I would go back to the digs after the show

and Mike would often still be up and say, "Oh, I've just opened

"a bottle, and do you want a glass?"

so I'd sit and we'd chat about how did it go and I'd say, "Oh, it was another absolute triumph."

-And erm...

-LAUGHTER

So you got to know Mike and then one day, one day it snowed and Mike said, "We're friends now..."

And at that point words weren't necessary, you both looked at each other...

-LAUGHTER

-"Come on, Mike..."

So it snowed. Who brings up the subject of building a snowman? You or Mike?

Oh, Mike smokes so he would go outside on the doorstep, and one...

That's when he noticed the snow.

Well, he hadn't looked out until that point

because I was telling him theatrical anecdotes so he was absolutely riveted,

he'd have no reason to look anywhere other than straight at

whichever part of my body I was using to tell the story.

-Which parts of your body can you use to tell stories?

-Yeah.

I have a, you know, full...

-He's, he's a proper actor, he tells stories with his whole body.

-It's not just neck-up cynicism.

LAUGHTER

So Mike hadn't noticed the snow, he went outside.

He said, "Do you know it's snowing?" and so I was like, "Oh, wow I haven't made a snowman for ages,

and I said, "Do you know that thing when you start rolling snow and

"you can make a snowman really big really quickly, because you roll it and it starts picking up..."

But only if the snow has already lain

and you said it's snow-ING. Thank you.

Yeah, but how...

I think what you're underestimating, Miranda, is the length of Miles' anecdote.

LAUGHTER

So it starts snowing, and then the anecdote finishes - there's about six feet of it.

-Now it seems more plausible.

-Yes.

Right, then what happens?

I used the snow from about, probably about three or four houses.

I've used all that snow to make one enormous ridiculously large snowman.

And then what happened? Because then there was an altercation.

When I went out the next morning a chap that lived

two doors down said, "Do you know who built this snowman?"

I said, very proudly, "I built this snowman," and he said,

"You've used up all the snow, haven't you?"

Does this house have a back garden?

Er...it does, but the back garden is multiple...lots and lots of locks

whereas the front one, you want to have a cigarette, so you...

Why did he have so many locks on his back door?

Well, you must know this,

people are more likely to break into the back of the house...

-LAUGHTER

-than...

ROB LAUGHS

Than the front. Yeah?

Now, then - Lee's story.

-MIRANDA:

-Lee and your bird.

Mike sold you a turkey. Is that right?

No, I went to his farm to choose a turkey.

-Mm-hm.

-But I never got to eat it because

I formed an unbreakable bond with that bird.

And it's here tonight(?)

LAUGHTER

What was the nature of this bond?

I went to the farm in around about the beginning of November,

and you choose your bird, and then I was driving past again

and I thought, "I'll just pop in, you know, have a little look at my bird."

And so he showed me,

and that's when I had a proper look at it and it looked back at me,

and there was something about the look that he gave me that just made me think,

"I just don't want... I don't want to kill him and eat him, so..."

Did you immediately feel that?

No, no, this was after we'd had dinner, and erm... It was about the third date I think.

So what did you do to save the bird's life?

I said to Mike, "Change of plan - I will take it home."

What did you have for Christmas dinner that year?

Er, we had turkey. But not that turkey.

So did you say, "I'll take him as a pet, and that one - chop its head off."

-No, I...

-Cos he...he won't give me the time of day.

LAUGHTER

MIRANDA: Where do you keep a turkey?

In the first place, in the shed.

I cleared away all the sharp implements.

Bit of pot pourri in a bowl.

Look, if you're not going to take my story seriously, Stephen, I don't want to talk to you.

How did your wife react? She was expecting...

Well, she as you know lives in the shed as well so she was erm...

she wasn't happy. And she said, I think it's time I made a move into what she calls "the house".

So I let her in the house.

-What did you call the turkey?

-Istanbul.

Istanbul. Why?

-Cos it's in Turkey.

-BARRY:

-Turkey.

Oh, yeah, of course.

APPLAUSE

Right, so... David's team, is Mike Barry's Christmas King,

Miles' fellow snow hog, or Lee's turkey trader?

-I'm all about Miles.

-Yeah.

In every way.

-I think it's Barry.

-Do you?

-Do you?

-Do we think Lee is definitely not...

-We think Lee is definitely not true.

-So you think it's Miles.

-I think it's Miles.

Stephen's saying Miles.

I'm saying... Sometimes I'm saying Miles, sometimes I'm saying Barry, I'm confused.

-It's Barry.

-You say it's Barry. OK.

Mike - would you please reveal your true identity?

Yeah, I'm the Mike King with the three Kings who visited Barry on Christmas Day.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. Mike is Barry's Christmas King. Thanks very much, Mike, thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...

It is David.

-Possession.

-Ah. Now, behind your chair is a box.

Open the box, read the card, and then take out the possession.

It's a beautiful box.

-I like it.

-This is entertainment.

Yes...

"This is my cape.

"I used to put it on,

"pretend I was Doctor Who,

"and head into my TARDIS -

"or, as my parents called it, the airing cupboard."

-Put the cape on.

-All right.

Feel free, David, come and use the floor space.

Think back to your dancing days, come out, use the floor.

You could have a glamorous assistant in the form of Miranda.

-Oh, certainly.

-Would you help David get into his cape?

Hang on. Do we put this over there?

-That's what I'm thinking.

-And that'll hold it in place.

That actually fits you really well. Were you exactly the same size as a child?

LAUGHTER

I can't see you properly, David. Could you come and stand in front of me and twirl round?

So, you just... Yes. That's actually...

-MILES: That is a reminder of the film Magicians.

-How old were you?

Erm... I think...

LAUGHTER

MIRANDA: I'm loving it!

This is how I picture you walking round your house.

How old was I...?

LAUGHTER

I think...

I think at the time I was first given this cape,

I was... I think I was about um, maybe ten?

-In that cape?

-Maybe nine. It was too big for me initially.

Hang on a second, whoa, whoa, whoa. When you were nine - so, give us an idea of the height.

Just give us knees and we'll see how much it would have dragged.

-So that would have been you, as...

-Hang on, it's rucking.

-Can I have your shoes for a second?

-Can I take this off?

-What are you doing?!

-I want to take your shoes...

-Oh, I see.

It might show us how you might have looked in those days.

This is how the police do sort of ageing profiling, don't they?

-Yes.

-What would he have looked like a few years ago?

So just get yourself...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you say your mum and dad got you this?

-My mum made it.

-Your mum made it?

-Yeah.

She made it for you. Had she no idea what size it should be?

Were you a close family, David?

I'm actually getting cramp in my knee.

You can go back to your seat. I give you permission.

You look like a very middle-class disgruntled Dracula.

"I didn't get any blood tonight...

"I'll just shrug back to my chair and bite some virgin's neck tomorrow, I suppose."

So what do you think, Lee, is it the truth or is it a lie?

-What do you think, Barry?

-Not a shred of truth in it.

-I think it COULD be true.

It sounds incredibly likely. In fact I'd be surprised...

I'd be surprised if this is a habit that's actually finished, I imagine he's...

-So Barry says a lie.

-I'm the odd one out here, aren't I?

-You say true.

-I think... I hope it's true, I think it's lovely.

Well, I think it's lovely as well so I'll say it's true.

You're going to say true. David, truth or lie?

It is, of course, true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. David used to wear his cape and pretend he was Doctor Who.

So, next...

it's Miranda.

"I will not get out of bed on Christmas morning until I have smoked a full cigar."

LAUGHTER

-What age did this start?

-About 33.

What made you start?

Well, when I was giving up smoking I smoked those thin cigars -

I thought, "Well, that's not really smoking."

And then when I properly gave up smoking I thought

this should just be... It was a Christmas and birthday treat.

How long does it take you to smoke the cigar?

-Erm...

-DAVID: About 6 months...

-Yeah.

-..and then start on the birthday one.

Always got one on the go, but great to have given up smoking.

Do you smoke the whole cigar?

-Smoke the whole cigar.

-And how long does that take?

Couple of hours.

That's a lot of puffing.

-You're still in bed?

-Still in bed.

Do you have the cigar ready the night before and the little match?

Well, no, we...we have stockings

in the morning so we all then huddle round my bed.

-Oh, so the family and friends have to come to you to the base of the bed?

-To me.

"No present opening till it's finished!

Have you by now slipped into the Christmas onesie, or are you still in your negligee?

Er...

Negligee!

Yeah, we're all imagining cos there's nothing more arousing

than a woman lying down and smoking a big fat cigar.

I prefer a Woodbine girl myself.

-GRAVELLY:

-"Merry Christmas, Lee.

LAUGHTER

"I can't get out of bed till this is finished."

So what are you going to say, then?

-What do we think Barry?

-I've got a 100% wrong record on this current show.

-It's time for a change, Barry.

-It's time for a change.

-Whatever you say we're going with.

-I think it's true.

-In fact it's a lie.

LAUGHTER

-That what you're saying, Lee?

-No, what do you think?

-I think it's true.

-Oh, YOU think it's true.

-Yeah.

-You both say true.

-I'm going to say true.

-I'll go with my team and say true.

You say it's true. OK, Miranda -

the cigar, Christmas morning, truth or lie?

It is a...

lie. Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-Wow.

Yes, it's a lie, Miranda does not smoke a full cigar

before she gets out of bed on Christmas morning. Next...

it's Lee.

"I have perfect pitch,

"so can listen to any noise and tell you what musical note it is."

Pff!

B flat.

LAUGHTER

-I'm joking, I can't do... Go on.

-You can't do it.

Well, that saved us a lot of time!

APPLAUSE

So can you sing us a...a G?

I can't sing. I can listen to a note and tell you what pitch it is

-but I can't, I'm not actually very good.

-Aaaahh!

Are you upset?

What was that?

-Do it again.

-Aaaahh!

Yep, got it.

LAUGHTER

-DAVID: What's...

-That will be... That's A.

So when did you discover you could do this?

About 30 seconds ago.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, do you play a musical instrument?

Do I... No.

-Yes, I do play a musical instrument.

-What do you play?

I play guitar, triangle...

-Well, you know what, Lee, it's funny you should mention a triangle because...

-Yeah.

-Ah, the triangle.

-You tell me what this is.

-TING

-Oh, that is out of tune.

LAUGHTER

-Do it again. Do it again.

-TING

-One more time, louder.

-TING

I'll be with you in a minute, I've just got to serve this customer.

APPLAUSE

TING

-G.

-It's a G?

-G, that.

-I don't know if it is or not.

It is. There.

DING-A-LING

David, your tea's ready.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Is that the end of the game?

-Yes.

That was a... That last whistle, that was a PEA.

LAUGHTER

So what do you think, David? Could that be true?

-Stephen?

-No.

-It's a nonsense, it's all rubbish.

-Lie.

-They're all saying lie. Lee, truth or lie?

It was in fact a lie.

Oh! A surprise.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie. Lee doesn't have perfect pitch.

-BUZZER

-Well, that noise signals the time is up, it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that David's team have romped home to a Christmas victory 5 points to 2.

Well done, team. Merry Christmas!

-APPLAUSE

-We got hammered.

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual Christmas liar is Miles Jupp!

APPLAUSE

Yes - Miles Jupp, his pants are on fire

which is amazing when you consider how hard it is to get tweed to burn.

Goodnight!