The Unseen Bits Would I Lie to You?


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Transcript


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Good evening and welcome to a very special edition

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of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You.

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Joining David Mitchell tonight -

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Dermot O'Leary, Kirsty Young, Stephen Mangan, Sarah Millican,

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Richard Osman, Isy Suttie, Greg Rutherford,

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Joan Bakewell, Jason Manford,

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Susan Calman, Mel Giedroyc and Jon Richardson,

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and joining Lee Mack tonight -

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Warwick Davis, Josh Widdicombe, David Harewood,

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Matt Dawson, Carol Kirkwood, Bob Mortimer, Paul Hollywood,

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Joanna Scanlan, David O'Doherty, Charles Dance and Gok Wan.

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And so to Round One, Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement

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from the card in front of them.

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To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

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so they've no idea what they'll be faced with

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and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

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Charles is first up.

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Whenever I answer the house phone

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and it's someone I don't wish to speak to,

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I take a message, and pretend I am my fictional handyman Sean.

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David.

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So, do you answer in Sean's voice all the time,

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so that in case it's someone you don't want to speak to?

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I leave a pause and wait for the person on the other end

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to say, "Hello?".

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You answer the phone with silence?

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And I can usually tell by the "hello"

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whether it's somebody I wish to speak to

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and if I'm not in the mood to speak to anybody, you know, I say,

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-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"No, I'm sorry Charles isn't home, now,

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"try calling back later, you know?"

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What part of Scotland is Sean from?

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-He's from the West side of Belfast.

-Ah.

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Charles, if you don't want to speak to anyone at all, why pick up the phone?

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Well, it's a kind of obsessive thing, you know,

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with the insecurity that actors have, you know, you think,

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"Oh, my God, might be a job," you know, I just...

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-Well, let's give it a try, I'll ring you, OK?

-Yeah.

-OK.

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Brr-brr, brr-brr.

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Has he not bought a telephone since 1983?

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Hello...hello?

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Charles? Hello?

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-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-Hey, no, this is not Charles. Charles isn't home at the moment,

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but if you'd like to leave your number, er, I'll get him

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to call you back when, when he's back, yeah?

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Charles, are you ill?

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Charles! Charles, I'm calling for an ambulance now.

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It's all right, get in the recovery position.

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Oh, God, I'm on my way!

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So, what are you thinking, Stephen Mangan?

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I can't see that, who picks up the phone and doesn't say "hello"?

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It's an innate human instinct, isn't it?

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You can't pick up the phone and go...

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.."Hello, I'm Sean," I just...

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Isy, what do you think?

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I don't think you just pick up the phone and not say anything he might,

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the person might be able to hear you breathing, it all gets a bit creepy.

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Which way are you going to go with this, David?

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-Well, I think, we don't think it's true.

-You think it's a lie.

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OK, Charles, truth or lie?

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Erm, I'm afraid it's a lie.

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Joan Bakewell, it's your turn.

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Once, when I spotted an ex-boyfriend in a department store,

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I pretended to be a shop mannequin to avoid having to speak to him.

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Lee.

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Well, I know what I want to see.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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Oh, sorry, no, it's probably different.

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Sorry, sorry, you want to see the mannequin thing.

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Oh, right, oh, yeah, whatever.

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Do that, do that, but then we do mine, yeah?

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I would like to see the mannequin impression.

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Well, I-I... It was in the department

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where they used to, erm, sell a lot of fabrics

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and they used to have mannequins draped in, in just swathes of cloth.

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So, I grabbed a swathe of fabric

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and just draped it across my shoulder, and it, it was full-length.

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Where was this? We haven't said where it was.

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It was in Dickins & Jones on Regent Street.

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-Oh, lovely.

-And when, when was this?

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Oh, ah, it's a long time ago, early in the '60s.

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Surely you weren't old enough

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to shop on your own in the early '60s, Joan.

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So gallant.

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No, I'm kidding, I believe you. Erm...

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I've said sorry to mannequins before now,

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-in the department stores, I've gone...

-Yeah, but what were you doing to them?

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What do you think, Lee, is it the truth?

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Warwick, what do you think, do you think there's any...?

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-I think she's telling the truth.

-Really, do you think?

-Yeah, I do.

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The thing for me is, if you're within six to eight foot of an ex,

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and you don't recognise her cos she's static, it just seems a bit...

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I wouldn't, I've never been allowed within eight feet of my exes.

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Go on then, I'll say it's a lie.

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OK, they're saying it's a lie. Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?

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-It's a lie.

-Lie!

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How could you, Warwick?

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Dermot, you're next.

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I sometimes move bowls and plates from the bottom

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-to the top of the pile, so they don't feel left out.

-Lee.

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How much time have you got on your hands?

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Is this system only for the plates and the bowls, nothing else?

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It's for the side plates, big plates,

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yeah, and your regular bowls.

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So, for example, if there are four that have gone in the dishwasher,

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and there's, say, two left, I like those two guys to be first up next time.

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Which, I do understand, attributes some kind of personality to an inanimate object.

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That's why they put you on David's side.

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How many bowls are there?

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It works with all crockery.

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It wouldn't work with eggcups, though, would it,

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-cos they're you couldn't really stack them in the same way.

-No.

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That's a good question, would the eggcups at the back be brought to the front?

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-We have two so they get used regularly, they're pretty happy.

-How about if you only had two plates?

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-Dermot can't have two plates!

-Thank you, Rob.

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Imagine the sort of dinner parties he has!

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Imagine who's coming to those dinner parties -

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Cowell, Walliams, McPartlin, Donnelly.

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Ant and Dec, they're using the egg cups as bowls!

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When was the last time, if you can remember,

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that you actually thought, "It's time for a change, let's move these fellas out of the way,

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-"let's bring these guys up." How recently would that have been?

-Oh, last week.

-Really?

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Last week, yeah. There was one single plate there

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-and I thought, "When did that guy last get used?"

-Yeah.

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I'm thinking at least a fortnight, he's got to go to the top.

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Dermot, how do you keep track of how many pills and tablets

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you're meant to take in any... in any one day?

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Do you have a system or does your carer really oversee all of that?

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What does your wife think?

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Weirdly, I only told her about it a couple of weeks ago.

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Are you worried that your wife's doing the same thing? And so...

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Yeah...that's a good point.

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Dermot, you call them guys, are there no lady plates, lady bowls?

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No, I mean, that's a catch-all term,

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some bowls have a femininity about them, yeah, but, no, I...

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-They're sort of, they're sort of omnisex.

-Oh, OK.

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-I don't mind being called guys.

-Well, you don't, you're only one.

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-I know.

-You're a guy, yeah.

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It's a very middle-class thing, I think, calling, parents who

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call their children "guys", that always makes you want to vomit.

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Yeah. Yeah, it's true, innit.

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-"You guys want to help with the washing up?"

-Oh, yes!

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The worst one is, "Come on, guys, let's do the washing up,"

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and they go, "You're not my real dad."

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Well, there we are. Lee, what do you think?

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Do Dermot's words have the ring of truth about them?

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Josh?

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I...think...so.

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Matt Dawson, which way are you leaning?

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-Lie.

-So, Lee, you have to have the casting vote.

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-We're going to say that it is in fact true.

-You're saying true.

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Dermot O'Leary, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?

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I was telling you...

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-the truth.

-Oh, well done, give it that.

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Good show, good show!

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It's David O'Doherty.

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I looked after a neighbour's pet for five days

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before I realised it was dead.

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David Mitchell and team, what do you think?

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OK, what, what was the species of pet?

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His name was Charlie.

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So, initially I thought he was going to be a spaniel, at the very least,

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-and then it turned out that he was a stick insect.

-Thanks.

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Stick insects, I mean, I'm not an expert, David,

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don't require a huge amount of high-maintenance upkeep.

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What was your role meant to be?

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Step one, greenhouse, eucalyptus...

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-into the cage...

-Eucalyptus?!

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-Eucalyptus.

-It wasn't a koala bear?

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Step two, water, squishy gun, "Squish, squish," five.

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-One, two, three, four, five.

-So, you drowned it?

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And because I felt that he might be a bit unhappy,

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I would take him out into the garden for this,

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and when the wind blew, he had little aerials and they'd...

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Do you know what I mean? Just like a stick insect.

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So, I thought he was alive.

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Oh, so the wind gave you the impression that it was moving.

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"I'm alive, I'm dead...

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"I'm alive..." That's how you'd know.

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-What's the spraying for?

-To simulate the monsoon environment that...

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They come from a part of the world where there's a regular,

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daily, 25-second monsoon?

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I think if I'd taken him out, then I, obviously, would have seen...

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-Out of what?

-The cage.

-Right.

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-The cage?!

-Cage?

-Cage?!

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He was in a tight metal... You're supposed to be my team!

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I know, but I know that's what they're thinking

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so I'm trying to help you on by going,

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-"What, you mean that thing that little sticks could get through, the cage?"

-Good question.

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-It was a very tight mesh.

-Let's call it a glass cage, or a tank.

-No!

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-No, they couldn't breathe then. It's a...

-No, you don't have a lid on it,

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-you have a, actually, no, good point, you have a...

-Lee!

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Will you stop designing hutches for stick insects?

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So, how did you eventually know that he was dead?

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I was just, I was putting in the eucalyptus

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and removing yesterday's eucalyptus and he was...

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Who'd be eating yesterday's eucalyptus?!

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No, it was, I'd just take it out and he was like this, OK?

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And then when I took it out it brushed past him

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and he just reacted like this.

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-And, you know...

-Yeah.

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-That's a fair description.

-So, what are you thinking, David?

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Is that truthful or has he made it all up?

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I don't think it's truthful because I think stick insects,

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-sort of, live in gangs and aren't as he described...

-"Gangs"?!

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-What's the collective noun for lots of stick insects?

-Trees. Trees.

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Do you two think it's true? Because I'm very happy to defer.

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-I would go for, I'd say false.

-Susan says "lie", Richard?

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-I say "true".

-You say "true", David?

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Well, I think it's a lie so, you know,

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why not sometimes just say what you think?

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David, they think you're telling a lie.

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Were you telling a lie or were you telling the truth?

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This is a 100% trustworthy face

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and it was telling the absolute...truth.

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Sorry!

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It's David Mitchell.

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I once got stuck in a cave for an hour after getting the hood

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of my cagoule caught on a stalactite

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in a way I couldn't untwizzle.

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Right. Caves and stalactites, Lee Mack's team.

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-Well, the bit that we DEFINITELY believe about that story is "cagoule".

-"Cagoule".

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-We're not doubting "cagoule".

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

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And when, in the last three weeks, did this happen?

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This happened when I was a boy, a child, a human child.

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-A boy child?

-Boy child! What cave was it?

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Er, it was somewhere in France.

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-Ah, holiday?

-Yes.

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Deliberate ploy by parents to get rid of you?

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"Give him the baggy cagoule, find a stalactite, then run."

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And you in... You were in there for an hour?

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Yeah, I was I was caught on the...on the stalactite.

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-For an hour?

-For an hour, yeah.

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Just remember, remind me again, stalactites go down, right?

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-Stalactites hang down.

-Hang down.

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Stalagmites go up and the easy way to remember it...

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-Yeah?

-..is that stalactites have a C in them -

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stala-c-tite, C for ceiling.

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Stalagmites, have a G - G for ground.

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-No, it's the stalactites come down isn't it?

-Tights come down.

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But, tights... Tights go up as well.

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No, they don't. Not when I'm around, love.

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Hey, hey!

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But how did you eventually escape?

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My dad came and released me.

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-So, you're with your family on this trip?

-Well, they were sort of...

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It took them AN HOUR to find you...

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I would have thought, if I'd have lost you

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and you'd have been my child, it would have been six or seven days.

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-Right, so what are you thinking, Lee, could this be true?

-What do you think?

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-I'm going to go for a lie.

-You think it's a lie.

-Hm.

-Bob?

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Lie for me, Lee.

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-Lie.

-Lie. David?

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-It's a lie.

-Yes.

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Joanna, you're next.

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I used to vet potential boyfriends by getting them to play me at darts.

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I could tell more about them in one game, than I could on ten dates.

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David?

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So, what was it about their darts-playing,

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that told you things about their personality?

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Stance. It's, sort of, liquidity of the way they stand in that position.

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-The "liquidity"?

-Was this linked to, you thought their character

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or their physical prowess, if I can put it that way.

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It's character. It was all about the character.

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Well, here's the thing,

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because one of our panellists is quite accomplished at darts.

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It's Lee. So, Lee, would, would you demonstrate

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and then we could ask Joanna to analyse

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and come to her own conclusions.

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Are you good at darts?

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I've been known to do double tops, I think you know what I'm saying.

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So, what I tend to do is I tend to go like this... That's the line.

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-And now, I'll take my dart.

-Where's the board, sorry?

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Good question, that's what I was thinking.

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That's the first thing I do is I'd go, "Hang on, there's no board."

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Because I know what I'm doing! And then I would take the dart,

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I will lean forward with all the weight on the right leg -

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keeping it straight, of course, I'm not an idiot.

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I'll then raise the hand and little finger,

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note the little finger is in the air, it's weight,

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if I put it down, I'll fall to the left.

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I have to ballast myself with the finger out.

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And then I'd go like that,

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might give it a cheeky wiggle of the bottom to the lady watching...

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and then, "Oh, he's only gone and hit 180 again!"

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I'm going to collect the things,

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I'm so proud, I'll probably moonwalk to the board.

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Oh, Christ!

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I didn't know about that, usually oches are straight.

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And then I would grab the darts, like that,

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and go, "They're for you, princess."

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That's how I roll.

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Now then, you've seen a...

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A fulsome display.

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So, what would you...? What judgments...?

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What conclusions would you have come to about Lee, from that?

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You all saw it, there was evidence there of the, kind of,

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it's about a certain sort of flow.

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Yes.

0:17:020:17:04

And I think Lee pretends...

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Gives quite a good impression of being a bit of a moron.

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It is true he does, he does.

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But, but what I think that belies

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is the fact that underneath it, he is a bit of a kind, old softie.

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-Yay. Yay.

-And that's, kind of, what I'm looking for.

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-So, David, what do you think?

-Kirsty, what do you think?

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I would tend to think it's true.

0:17:290:17:32

Greg?

0:17:320:17:33

Yeah, I, sort of, think the same.

0:17:330:17:35

Can I say, I'm, sort of, 70%, I'm not 100%.

0:17:350:17:38

-How, what percent are you?

-50.

-You're 50. 50?!

0:17:380:17:44

Well, the thing is it could be either, that's the thing.

0:17:440:17:46

-Well, that's...

-I know!

0:17:460:17:48

-True.

-True. OK, so, Joanna, truth or lie?

0:17:540:17:59

In fact, it is a lie.

0:17:590:18:01

Sorry.

0:18:030:18:04

It's Gok.

0:18:070:18:09

Right.

0:18:090:18:11

I always use two toothbrushes to brush my teeth.

0:18:110:18:14

-One for the top set, one for the bottom.

-David's team.

0:18:140:18:17

I believe it.

0:18:170:18:19

Can I just check, when you say, "One for the bottom..."?

0:18:210:18:26

-How would you tell the two apart?

-Different colours.

0:18:260:18:29

One pink and one blue -

0:18:290:18:31

always pink up top, always blue, blue down below.

0:18:310:18:36

-Just talk us through it.

-Right.

-You're in the bathroom...

-Yeah.

0:18:360:18:39

-Yeah.

-OK, so, I'm in the bathroom.

0:18:390:18:41

I have my shower, I fully body-moisturise...

0:18:410:18:45

I can vouch for all of this.

0:18:450:18:47

And then, I go to brush my... And it's quite a big ritual for me

0:18:490:18:51

because when I was younger I was bullied by the way that I look, you see, so...

0:18:510:18:56

I think it's fair to say, Gok, you weren't bullied BY the way you look, were you?

0:18:560:19:00

-Because of the way I looked.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely.

0:19:000:19:02

-It's an important distinction.

-Yeah, absolutely.

0:19:020:19:04

Otherwise you're being bullied by a concept, aren't you?

0:19:040:19:06

This is true, thanks for pointing that out.

0:19:060:19:08

I'm feeling bullied again, thank you very much indeed.

0:19:080:19:11

Well, you can see how it started, can't you?

0:19:110:19:13

So, as I was saying, I was bullied and one of the big reasons

0:19:150:19:18

was because of my big teeth and my big smile,

0:19:180:19:22

-and so, I was always very aware of how big my mouth is...

-Why are you looking at Stephen, Rob?

0:19:220:19:26

-Erm...

-Well, I thought they might have met at a support group, I...

0:19:260:19:30

-Teeth Anonymous!

-MUFFLED:

-I don't know what you're talking about.

0:19:300:19:35

-Erm, what do you think?

-Isy?

-I think this is definitely true.

0:19:350:19:37

He's very plausible in his chat, but I just can't,

0:19:370:19:41

-I can't see someone doing that.

-I'm going to say lie.

0:19:410:19:44

-OK, so, Gok, truth or lie?

-It was a lie.

0:19:440:19:48

That was unlucky.

0:19:480:19:50

Richard Osman, you're next.

0:19:530:19:56

When I was a child I created a superhero called Snooker Table Man.

0:19:560:20:01

He had three key skills and one mortal enemy.

0:20:040:20:08

Lee.

0:20:080:20:10

Let's start with the obvious,

0:20:100:20:11

who's the mortal enemy of Snooker Table Man?

0:20:110:20:13

-Vampire Ray.

-Not...

0:20:130:20:15

-Who was based loosely around Ray Reardon.

-Ray Reardon?

0:20:150:20:18

What were his three skills, Richard?

0:20:180:20:20

A lot of his skills didn't have an awful lot to do with snooker, I'll be honest.

0:20:200:20:23

He took, he took on the form of a snooker table

0:20:230:20:26

-because then he could get...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:20:260:20:29

What...? Just one question to clarify,

0:20:290:20:32

what the hell are you talking about?

0:20:320:20:35

Right, Snooker Table Man, he would take on the form of a snooker table

0:20:350:20:39

in the same way that the TARDIS would take on the form of a phone box, it's not crazy,

0:20:390:20:42

and he would be able to go into the houses of very rich and successful and famous people and spy on them.

0:20:420:20:46

Well, it's not like the TARDIS, is it?

0:20:460:20:49

-The TARDIS is the vehicle that the superhero, for want of a better word, travels round in.

-Yeah.

0:20:490:20:53

If you're Snooker Table Man,

0:20:530:20:54

and there's a child trapped in a building, you know,

0:20:540:20:56

"What are we going to do?" "Don't worry, it's Snooker Table Man."

0:20:560:20:59

and then you turn into a snooker table, and you go,

0:20:590:21:01

"Now what, I don't know, that's all I can do."

0:21:010:21:03

So, what was his purpose, what did he do?

0:21:030:21:06

His purpose was to go into the houses of very rich people

0:21:060:21:09

who were trying to, for various reasons, take over the world,

0:21:090:21:13

and he would, firstly, he would report back on them

0:21:130:21:17

because he had wireless transistors in the pockets.

0:21:170:21:20

Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, he was...

0:21:200:21:23

So, he would go into the houses of very, very rich people.

0:21:230:21:26

Admit, ADMIT, admit that is a good disguise if you want to get into...

0:21:260:21:29

No, it's a terrible disguise, it's a terrible disguise,

0:21:290:21:31

unless the person in question has ordered a snooker table.

0:21:310:21:34

Otherwise, they'll go... It's the worst disguise in the world!

0:21:340:21:37

They'll go, "Where the hell did that come from?"

0:21:370:21:40

You think any rich person, if they were given a delivery of a snooker table,

0:21:400:21:43

wouldn't go, "Oh, lovely, a snooker table."

0:21:430:21:45

They would, but you didn't say you were given delivery,

0:21:450:21:48

you said you suddenly appeared in an empty room.

0:21:480:21:50

No, I didn't, what do you mean, transport myself...

0:21:500:21:52

So, you knock on the door and you go, "Hello, I'm here to give you a snooker table."

0:21:520:21:57

No, you are, you are...

0:21:570:21:59

That was it, that was your...

0:22:010:22:02

Now, you're making it sound ridiculous.

0:22:020:22:04

How did he move around?

0:22:120:22:13

He didn't move around, that's the beauty of him.

0:22:130:22:16

People moved around him, that's snooker tables.

0:22:160:22:18

You know what, I won't tell the rest of this story,

0:22:180:22:21

if you're going to mock me.

0:22:210:22:22

-What are the other powers you haven't told us about?

-Yeah.

0:22:270:22:29

Well, I've given you the two and the third one was...

0:22:290:22:32

-What was the second one?

-Transistors...

-The transistors, yeah.

0:22:320:22:34

-The ability to transmit information.

-Who to?

-And it...

0:22:340:22:37

To... (Oh, goodness me!)

0:22:370:22:39

Who do you think, if we're trying to save the world, who do you think he's transmitting to?

0:22:390:22:43

-Steve Davis.

-Firstly, me.

0:22:430:22:45

-What was your third power then?

-The third power was exploding balls.

0:22:480:22:52

And how would he use his exploding balls?

0:22:550:22:57

In what situation would he want his balls to explode?

0:22:570:23:00

Finally, a sensible question.

0:23:020:23:04

If I received enough information...

0:23:060:23:09

that the person whose home this snooker table is in

0:23:090:23:11

is up to no good, is up to nefarious activities, OK?

0:23:110:23:15

The next time they're playing a game of snooker,

0:23:150:23:17

I can then make those balls explode at will.

0:23:170:23:21

If you were playing this game in Wales you wouldn't call it snooker.

0:23:210:23:24

-"Snuker"?

-"Snuker".

-Yeah, "snuker".

0:23:240:23:26

Cos we don't, we don't like the O sound,

0:23:260:23:29

it's the same with tooth, we'd say "tuth".

0:23:290:23:31

Yeah, and, likewise, we don't like the...the Welsh.

0:23:310:23:34

-Lee, what are you thinking?

-I think it's a big fat lie.

0:23:400:23:43

You think it's a lie.

0:23:430:23:44

I mean, I think he's a large man. He's like a snooker table.

0:23:440:23:49

I'm not twelve foot by six foot, you know that, David.

0:23:490:23:52

I think I'm going to say that that was a lie.

0:23:520:23:55

You think it's a lie. OK, Richard, was it the truth or was it a lie?

0:23:550:23:59

It was...

0:23:590:24:01

a lie.

0:24:010:24:02

It's Jon Richardson.

0:24:060:24:08

When I was a child, I was told to stop stalking a clown.

0:24:090:24:14

I think it's true.

0:24:150:24:17

Why were you stalking a clown?

0:24:170:24:19

Because I liked him.

0:24:190:24:21

How old were you, Jon?

0:24:220:24:23

-Nine?

-What was the name of the clown?

0:24:250:24:28

Dozy David.

0:24:280:24:30

-Dozy David?

-He was opening a shopping centre where I grew up

0:24:300:24:34

and I saw what I believed was genuine magic.

0:24:340:24:39

-What did he do?

-He did card tricks and he juggled, and he did jokes,

0:24:390:24:43

made animals from balloons.

0:24:430:24:46

What was the nature of your stalking?

0:24:460:24:47

Physically following him or phoning him or...?

0:24:470:24:50

-It was on the phone.

-How did you get his number?

0:24:500:24:52

Because I asked for his autograph and he gave me his card.

0:24:520:24:55

-What, "Dozy Dave..."

-I thought, for a minute, you were going to say,

0:24:550:24:57

"Gave me the autograph and included his number as well!" OK.

0:24:570:25:02

So, talk us through, then, what happened. You leave it a day or two do you or...?

0:25:020:25:05

I left it a day or two cos I didn't want to look...

0:25:050:25:08

Give him chance to get home in his car that keeps falling apart.

0:25:080:25:12

So, what did you do, talk us through the first conversation.

0:25:120:25:15

Well, no, that's the thing, he never answered his phone.

0:25:150:25:17

So I used to leave messages.

0:25:170:25:19

"Hiya, David, it's Jon here, from Lancaster,

0:25:190:25:21

"just wondering if you're coming back and doing any shows or...?

0:25:210:25:25

"Give us a ring, we'll see what happens."

0:25:250:25:27

He never rang back so I had to ring him again, didn't I?

0:25:270:25:29

-Right, and how long did this go on for?

-A few weeks.

0:25:290:25:32

How many times in those few weeks did you ring him?

0:25:320:25:35

I would imagine it was something like every other day.

0:25:350:25:37

And was it the same messages or was it getting steadily more menacing?

0:25:370:25:40

Were you going, "Now, listen here, Dozy Dave..."

0:25:400:25:45

"If you don't call me back..."

0:25:450:25:46

"Yeah, I know where you live, I've got your address on the card..."

0:25:460:25:49

-"Yes, I've got your number..."

-"I'll come round your house..."

0:25:490:25:51

"I know where you keep your balloons!"

0:25:510:25:55

"If you don't call me, I'll get a bucket of confetti

0:25:550:25:58

"and I'll throw it right in your face, and you'll think it's water."

0:25:580:26:01

"Just watch it, you!"

0:26:030:26:04

"Yeah, what's worse, I'm going to come...

0:26:040:26:07

-"come round and mend your car!"

-Did this carry...

0:26:070:26:10

Did this carry on long enough for the messages,

0:26:100:26:12

your voice was getting deeper and deeper.

0:26:120:26:14

"Now, listen here...

0:26:140:26:16

"this has been 23 years...

0:26:160:26:18

"..how do you make a poodle out of a BALLOON?!"

0:26:190:26:22

How did it end then, Jon?

0:26:290:26:31

It ended very upsettingly

0:26:310:26:34

when his wife or girlfriend answered the phone.

0:26:340:26:38

And said, "David says, will you stop calling the house."

0:26:380:26:42

Oh.

0:26:420:26:43

-Oh, this is a heart-breaking story.

-Blimey.

0:26:430:26:46

Lee, what do you think, could that tale of woe be true?

0:26:460:26:50

I think it fits his character profile, sweet. I think it's probably true.

0:26:500:26:53

-Yeah, do we, David?

-I think it's true.

-True.

-For me.

0:26:530:26:56

-OK, we'll say...

-You all think it's true.

0:26:560:26:58

Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

0:26:580:27:01

I was telling a...

0:27:010:27:03

truth.

0:27:030:27:05

Lee, how do you know Ian?

0:27:100:27:11

This is Ian, he is my supermarket delivery driver

0:27:110:27:15

who accidently got... I can't remember!

0:27:150:27:17

I just want you to know this is absolutely true, right,

0:27:190:27:23

but they do insist that we say it exactly the way it happened.

0:27:230:27:28

-So, here we go.

-Right.

-Erm...

0:27:280:27:30

This is David... No, what's your name?

0:27:300:27:32

-Lee.

-Yeah.

0:27:340:27:35

Perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Ian?

0:27:350:27:38

Never met him.

0:27:380:27:39

This is Ian, right.

0:27:410:27:42

-Lee.

-This is Ian.

-This is Ian.

0:27:430:27:46

Listen, I think it's fair to say the opposition have got it down to 50/50.

0:27:460:27:50

So, Lee, how do you know Ian?

0:27:550:27:59

This is Ian.

0:27:590:28:01

Ian, do me a favour, could you Sellotape that to your face?

0:28:060:28:09

Right.

0:28:120:28:13

This is Ian, he is the supermarket delivery driver

0:28:130:28:16

who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van

0:28:160:28:19

and drove me to his next drop-off point.

0:28:190:28:21

Right, and finally, David, what is Lee to you?

0:28:210:28:25

Not Lee, sorry.

0:28:250:28:27

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