Episode 8 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 8

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 8. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

0:00:250:00:27

The show with dedication to fabrication.

0:00:270:00:29

And on Lee Mack's team tonight

0:00:290:00:31

a TV chef who co-wrote The Hairy Dieters book.

0:00:310:00:34

I bought it last week and I've already lost nine pounds,

0:00:340:00:37

well, £8.99 to be precise.

0:00:370:00:40

It's the Hairy Biker, Dave Myers.

0:00:400:00:42

Thank you.

0:00:420:00:43

And a woman whose working day starts at 3.00am

0:00:450:00:49

so put your hands together, very quietly so you don't wake her up,

0:00:490:00:52

it's Susanna Reid.

0:00:520:00:54

Now, on David Mitchell's team tonight,

0:00:570:01:00

a man who is one of the few comedy geniuses who can do the vital

0:01:000:01:04

but thankless task of hosting a comedy panel show, Jimmy Carr.

0:01:040:01:09

And a comedian and actor with a line in saving nature

0:01:120:01:16

and restoring homes but tonight we'll be after a little less

0:01:160:01:20

conservation and a little more action, it's Griff Rhys Jones.

0:01:200:01:24

And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

0:01:290:01:32

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

0:01:320:01:34

Now to make things harder, they've never seen the card before

0:01:340:01:37

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

0:01:370:01:40

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

0:01:400:01:44

Jimmy Carr is first up.

0:01:440:01:46

As a baby, I was regularly fed coffee in my bottle.

0:01:480:01:53

Lee Mack's team, what do you make of that?

0:01:530:01:56

From...from birth?

0:01:560:01:58

I thought you were going to say, from your mother's breast?

0:01:580:02:02

You were given coffee in the milk?

0:02:020:02:04

Well, milky coffee from a very...from about the age of three.

0:02:040:02:08

This is not hot coffee, obviously.

0:02:080:02:11

Yeah, no, it would have been quite warm, warm milky coffee.

0:02:110:02:14

And when you got older did you ever say to your parents,

0:02:140:02:17

-why did this happen?

-Yeah.

0:02:170:02:18

My children like coffee.

0:02:210:02:22

Nowadays you can have what they call a kiddychino, a babychino.

0:02:220:02:27

Sorry, babychino. I got it wrong, kiddychino.

0:02:270:02:29

Actually, a kiddychino is just a very small pair of trousers.

0:02:290:02:32

You probably do use them.

0:02:320:02:33

If they were putting coffee in your milk for a...

0:02:380:02:40

No, they weren't putting coffee in my milk, I was having coffee.

0:02:400:02:43

Slightly milky coffee.

0:02:430:02:45

Well, that is the same as putting coffee in milk.

0:02:450:02:47

Well...

0:02:470:02:48

No, no, there's distinction between putting coffee in milk

0:02:480:02:51

and putting milk in coffee.

0:02:510:02:52

What is the distinction?

0:02:520:02:54

It's like the distinction between having a glass of water

0:02:540:02:56

and going swimming.

0:02:560:02:58

In one case you're putting water in yourself,

0:03:030:03:05

in the other case, you're putting yourself in water.

0:03:050:03:08

Did they give you other more adult foodstuffs at a very young age?

0:03:080:03:13

I think I was...

0:03:130:03:14

I think I was allowed a modicum of booze as a child.

0:03:140:03:17

Oh, were you? At what age were you allowed booze?

0:03:170:03:19

Like, as a baby.

0:03:190:03:21

It was to offset the coffee buzz.

0:03:210:03:24

Lee, what, what, what were you given as a child?

0:03:250:03:28

Evostick.

0:03:280:03:29

But that's glue.

0:03:320:03:33

Yeah, but that was to stop me getting out the cot.

0:03:330:03:36

David, as a small child, what were they bringing you in your quarters?

0:03:360:03:40

Just a port and a cigar.

0:03:400:03:42

You took the words out of my self-parodic mouth.

0:03:450:03:48

No, the blood of a pheasant.

0:03:480:03:51

Did you say pheasant or peasant?

0:03:550:03:57

Lee, what are you thinking, is there any truth in this?

0:03:590:04:01

Which way are you leaning?

0:04:010:04:03

I don't know, what do you think, guys?

0:04:030:04:06

I think we're skirting on the edge of giving out really bad child care advice.

0:04:060:04:10

That is true, but I can't help thinking that any parent

0:04:100:04:12

that's looking at Jimmy and thinking, I want to raise

0:04:120:04:14

a child like that anyway, is a dodgy parent in the first place.

0:04:140:04:17

You know what I mean?

0:04:170:04:18

-I think it's nonsense.

-You think it's nonsense.

0:04:180:04:21

Nonsense, OK.

0:04:210:04:22

-I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie.

0:04:220:04:24

-We'll say it's a lie then.

-Pretty conclusively.

-Yeah.

0:04:240:04:27

Jimmy Carr, were you telling us

0:04:270:04:28

the truth then or were you telling a lie?

0:04:280:04:31

I can tell you it is absolutely true.

0:04:310:04:35

It's true.

0:04:350:04:36

Wow, wow.

0:04:360:04:38

Yes, it's true.

0:04:410:04:42

As a baby, Jimmy was regularly fed coffee in his bottle.

0:04:420:04:46

Dave, you're next.

0:04:460:04:48

I once spent an entire Christmas locked in a bank.

0:04:490:04:54

David's team.

0:04:570:04:58

By an entire Christmas, what are we talking? All 12 days, I'm assuming.

0:04:580:05:02

No, Christmas Eve until about 7.00 on Boxing night.

0:05:020:05:06

-On Boxing night?

-Yes.

0:05:060:05:08

When the bank opened for the usual Boxing Day evening.

0:05:080:05:11

-No, somebody came to let me out.

-Which bank?

0:05:110:05:15

It was a merchant bank. I was working as a security guard

0:05:150:05:19

and I'd elected, due to personal trauma, that I'd spend my

0:05:190:05:23

Christmas working overtime, guarding Hill Samuel in Victoria.

0:05:230:05:27

And then they forgot about you.

0:05:270:05:29

No, because there was a rush on at Christmas,

0:05:290:05:31

I never got relieved on Christmas morning.

0:05:310:05:33

-A rush on.

-Oh, we all look forward to that.

0:05:330:05:36

I mean, in the Brydon household, I have to say,

0:05:360:05:40

it's my one Christmas treat.

0:05:400:05:41

It was the Christmas after John Lennon got assassinated.

0:05:430:05:47

And you had to go into hiding?

0:05:470:05:49

I don't ever remember you being implicated in this.

0:05:510:05:55

-You see, I was living with a girl in Streatham.

-Yeah, Yoko.

0:05:550:06:00

No. And we split up because she was seeing somebody else.

0:06:000:06:04

John Lennon.

0:06:040:06:06

So I needed to get a job and, you know, I wanted to be a bit of

0:06:060:06:10

a martyr so I said I'd work the Christmas shift as a security guard.

0:06:100:06:15

Like many of the great martyrs through history.

0:06:150:06:18

-Dave, answer me this.

-Yes, certainly, Griff.

0:06:180:06:21

You went through a period where you were so lonely and down

0:06:210:06:25

that you didn't have any family of any kind whatsoever

0:06:250:06:29

who were saying, come home for Christmas and come and...?

0:06:290:06:32

No, but they laughed themselves silly when I phoned them

0:06:320:06:34

up on Christmas Day and told them where I was.

0:06:340:06:37

How did you do that?

0:06:370:06:38

There was a phone in the bank.

0:06:380:06:40

What sort of bank is this, with a phone in it?

0:06:430:06:46

I, honestly, I've tried to phone a bank over and over again.

0:06:460:06:49

So there's a phone in the bank,

0:06:550:06:57

why did you only use it to phone your family

0:06:570:07:00

and not to phone someone who could have released you from the bank?

0:07:000:07:03

Oh, I kept phoning. I kept phoning. It was a firm in Croydon that

0:07:030:07:06

had employed me and I kept phoning them and they said

0:07:060:07:09

they had nobody in to hold on.

0:07:090:07:11

So I held on right through, like, four shifts.

0:07:110:07:13

-And you accepted that?

-Oh, no, I was locked in the bank.

0:07:130:07:16

-So at 8.00...

-And I couldn't get out.

0:07:160:07:18

When you're a guard in the bank, they lock you in.

0:07:180:07:20

They don't lock you in surely, in the bank?

0:07:200:07:22

Well, they wouldn't give me the keys. I was only 22.

0:07:220:07:26

Sorry, that's how a merchant bank ensures its security over Christmas?

0:07:260:07:29

It locks a 22-year-old in there and they go,

0:07:290:07:33

it's all right if anyone breaks in, the 22-year-old will handle it.

0:07:330:07:36

No, but I had a phone, you see. I could have phoned for the police.

0:07:360:07:40

What were you supposed to do if the burglars all come in?

0:07:400:07:43

Ring Croydon, they say, we'll have someone there in the next 36 hours.

0:07:430:07:46

How did you actually celebrate Christmas?

0:07:460:07:48

I mean, what did you do to mark it?

0:07:480:07:50

Before I went to work, I did take myself a small capon,

0:07:500:07:54

I stuffed it, little sausages and everything and I put it by my,

0:07:540:07:58

you know, away, and I looked forward to it.

0:07:580:08:01

But when I got back on Boxing night,

0:08:010:08:03

the cat had had my capon cos I forgot to put it away.

0:08:030:08:07

The cat was wearing your cape?

0:08:070:08:09

No, a capon, it's like a type of chicken.

0:08:090:08:12

-Oh, sorry.

-I didn't even have a Christmas dinner.

0:08:120:08:14

-The cat with a cape on.

-The cat wasn't wearing the apron.

0:08:140:08:17

-He said...

-The cat's there taking over doing the frying going,

0:08:170:08:20

well, he's gone I might as well look after myself.

0:08:200:08:22

-No, no, no, no, no.

-It's like a big chicken.

0:08:220:08:25

He clearly said, I came back and the cat had my cape on.

0:08:250:08:30

So, David, what are you thinking?

0:08:320:08:34

There is only one person who can answer this question

0:08:340:08:37

here in this room, so we're going to have to turn to you, Jimmy.

0:08:370:08:40

I wouldn't have thought there were many merchant banks in Victoria.

0:08:400:08:44

I don't really know much about banks in Victoria,

0:08:440:08:46

if it was in Jersey I'd...

0:08:460:08:48

LAUGHTER

0:08:480:08:49

..I'm your man.

0:08:490:08:50

So is it the truth?

0:08:540:08:55

-I think true.

-Do you?

0:08:550:08:56

I like the detail, the cat,

0:08:560:08:58

the capon, I love the story, I'd like to buy the rights.

0:08:580:09:03

-We think it's true.

-True, we think it's true.

0:09:030:09:05

-You all think it's true.

-Absolutely true.

0:09:050:09:07

Dave, truth or lie?

0:09:070:09:10

Sadly, it's true.

0:09:100:09:12

Yes, it's true. Dave once spent an entire Christmas locked in a bank.

0:09:170:09:21

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

0:09:210:09:25

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

0:09:250:09:28

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

0:09:280:09:30

that has the genuine connection to the guest.

0:09:300:09:32

And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

0:09:320:09:35

So please welcome this week's special guest, Ray.

0:09:350:09:38

So, let's start with Susanna how do you know Ray?

0:09:470:09:50

This is Ray.

0:09:500:09:52

I stole his title for downing a pint faster than anyone

0:09:520:09:56

else on the BBC Breakfast team.

0:09:560:09:59

Dave, what is Ray to you?

0:10:000:10:02

This is Ray, and as teenagers we spent two weeks

0:10:020:10:06

building a 35 foot long airship in his back garden

0:10:060:10:10

for it only to be popped by his pet cat.

0:10:100:10:13

What about you, Lee, what's your relationship with Ray?

0:10:130:10:17

This is Ray he taught me to drive in a hearse.

0:10:170:10:19

So there we are.

0:10:210:10:22

Susanna's pint drinking opponent, Dave's airship building buddy,

0:10:220:10:26

or Lee's hearse driving instructor.

0:10:260:10:28

David's team, who do you want to start with?

0:10:280:10:31

How quickly can you drink a pint?

0:10:310:10:33

I can drink a pint in six seconds.

0:10:330:10:36

-Six seconds?

-Yes.

0:10:360:10:38

How quick was Ray?

0:10:380:10:40

Seven seconds.

0:10:400:10:41

Thank God you said a number bigger.

0:10:410:10:44

And how long had Ray held the record?

0:10:440:10:47

Three years.

0:10:470:10:48

And how much less a man do you think he felt?

0:10:480:10:51

Well, it was a tough phone call because I had to call him

0:10:510:10:54

to tell him that his record had gone.

0:10:540:10:57

Sorry, you just did this at home, did you?

0:10:570:10:59

"I've had another one, Ray, I'm really getting through it tonight."

0:10:590:11:03

-Sorry, no Ray....

-If you're drunk, why do you turn northern, Jimmy?

0:11:030:11:07

-Because of the alcohol.

-Oh, right.

0:11:070:11:10

I don't mind. When I'm trying to fiddle the government,

0:11:120:11:15

I always put on Jimmy's voice.

0:11:150:11:18

We all, we all do different things, we all do different voices.

0:11:180:11:22

Susanna can you just fill me in,

0:11:220:11:23

what was his role in the Breakfast team then?

0:11:230:11:26

-Ray was a floor manager of Breakfast.

-Right.

0:11:260:11:29

In Television Centre.

0:11:290:11:30

I mean, Ray is famous for having the record of

0:11:300:11:33

Seven seconds for downing a pint.

0:11:330:11:36

But that was when we were at Television centre in London

0:11:360:11:39

and then, of course, the Breakfast team moved to Salford

0:11:390:11:42

and Ray didn't come with us.

0:11:420:11:44

Oh, I see, so the Breakfast team start downing pints when?

0:11:440:11:48

I've seen the show, I think they start before they finish.

0:11:500:11:53

-Do they?

-I'm confident.

0:11:530:11:55

What's the context for this pint drinking, is it an annual?

0:11:550:11:58

It is the annual Christmas party.

0:11:580:12:00

What is your pint drinking technique?

0:12:000:12:03

You have the pint.

0:12:030:12:06

And you drink it.

0:12:060:12:08

Quickly.

0:12:090:12:11

-I tap it once.

-Yeah.

-And I do it in four glugs.

0:12:110:12:16

Four glugs?!

0:12:160:12:19

You can't do a pint in four glugs? How big are your glugs?

0:12:190:12:23

I'd like to know about the phone call.

0:12:250:12:27

Did you want to call him straightaway,

0:12:270:12:30

-did you wait till the next day?

-It was the next day.

0:12:300:12:32

Did you HAVE to ring him?

0:12:320:12:34

Cos he's already lost his job, the place he works has closed,

0:12:340:12:37

and so he'll be going, on top of that, you may think you're remembered

0:12:370:12:41

fondly as the fastest beer drinker here, well no not even that,

0:12:410:12:44

you've been beaten in that by one of the female presenters of the show.

0:12:440:12:49

He didn't care, he got a new job teaching people to drive in hearses.

0:12:490:12:53

Let's move on to that, so you, he taught you to drive,

0:12:550:12:58

why in a hearse?

0:12:580:13:00

Because that's the vehicle he owned, because he was a funeral director.

0:13:000:13:04

So what does the sign on his shop say?

0:13:040:13:06

Closed, when he's teaching me.

0:13:060:13:09

Why did he teach you to drive if he was a funeral director?

0:13:110:13:14

Because he was a friend who was a funeral director,

0:13:140:13:17

-he just so happened to own a hearse.

-Where did this all take place?

0:13:170:13:20

-In the hearse.

-No, I meant...

0:13:200:13:22

LAUGHTER

0:13:220:13:24

I sometimes said, can I have a lie down in the back

0:13:240:13:26

if I was tired, but he wasn't.

0:13:260:13:28

-Where does he come from?

-Southport.

-Southport, the streets of Southport?

0:13:280:13:31

Yes, how do you know I'm from Southport?

0:13:310:13:33

-I told him.

-How do you know?

0:13:330:13:35

Because we've been doing this programme for a thousand years.

0:13:350:13:38

Right so you're in Southport.

0:13:380:13:40

Is that you David? Is that David?

0:13:400:13:43

I know everything about you, including the fact that you

0:13:430:13:47

did not learn to drive in a hearse.

0:13:470:13:49

Nevertheless, we have to go through this.

0:13:490:13:52

What age did you get your driving licence?

0:13:540:13:56

-About 22.

-Wow!

-About 22?

0:13:560:13:59

Wow, what? I was a late developer.

0:13:590:14:01

I don't think you...

0:14:010:14:02

Didn't have a first girlfriend till 46 and I'm only 44.

0:14:020:14:06

Give me a call in a couple of years.

0:14:060:14:09

Actually, I'd like to ask you something, what's

0:14:090:14:12

the name of this funeral directors?

0:14:120:14:14

-What, Ray's Funeral Directors?

-Ray's Funeral Directors.

0:14:140:14:17

No, no, that's not my answer, I said, what? Ray's funeral directors?

0:14:170:14:21

Yeah, what was Ray's funeral directors called?

0:14:210:14:24

I'll tell you now,

0:14:240:14:25

-I'll tell you what Ray's funeral directors was called.

-Yeah.

0:14:250:14:28

Jones' Funeral Directors.

0:14:280:14:30

Jones, how does he do it, how does he come up with it so fast?

0:14:300:14:34

When he took you out for these driving lessons, did it ever

0:14:340:14:38

happen that you had, how shall I put it, a passenger in the back?

0:14:380:14:42

No, but the, he did teach me once with a coffin in the back

0:14:430:14:46

that didn't contain a body.

0:14:460:14:48

It didn't contain anything before you go, what was in there?

0:14:480:14:51

DAVID: Did he, did he?

0:14:510:14:53

Ocado have got a bit more protective over their fruit and veg.

0:14:530:14:55

-Should we move onto the airship.

-Yes, this is Dave.

0:14:550:14:58

So you built an airship...I mean, this seems entirely plausible

0:14:580:15:01

to me, you built an airship in your back garden?

0:15:010:15:03

No, in Ray's back garden, we had a mutual love of dirigibles.

0:15:030:15:07

And how um, how, how old were you when you, when you did this?

0:15:090:15:12

-16.

-What did you build your airship out of?

0:15:120:15:17

Well, it's mainly air.

0:15:170:15:19

No, no, no, it was plastic sheeting but it was sculpted

0:15:190:15:23

so it did form the shape of an airship.

0:15:230:15:26

How can you sculpt sheeting?

0:15:260:15:28

Because the way you cut it and you put it together,

0:15:280:15:31

when it's blown up, it will assume that shape.

0:15:310:15:33

And was there anything underneath it?

0:15:330:15:36

There was meant to be, but it never got that far, really. Um...

0:15:360:15:40

When the cat jumped on it, it was kind of went out of commission.

0:15:400:15:44

With his cape billowing in the wind.

0:15:440:15:46

It was a different cat.

0:15:480:15:49

You had terrible trouble with cats. How did you inflate it?

0:15:490:15:55

-With a vacuum cleaner put on blow.

-So you blew with a vacuum cleaner?

0:15:550:15:58

Do they have a blow function? I don't know.

0:15:580:16:00

-Do you do any vacuuming very often?

-God, no!

-No, what about you, Jimmy?

0:16:000:16:04

I don't know I'd have to ask my people but I imagine someone does.

0:16:040:16:08

It's terrible to see three grown men

0:16:080:16:10

who've never picked up a vacuum cleaner.

0:16:100:16:11

Oh, I have picked one up.

0:16:110:16:13

-Oh, I've picked one up, yeah, but not for vacuuming.

-Yeah.

0:16:130:16:16

So the idea was, you actually get the shape formed, and then

0:16:180:16:21

you heat the air that you put in and hopefully it would have flown.

0:16:210:16:25

How do you heat the air once it's already in there?

0:16:250:16:28

Crafting a gondola with two camping stoves on.

0:16:280:16:30

-It wasn't to carry people.

-You said, "Crafting a gondola."

0:16:320:16:35

-We never got that far.

-I know what all three of those words mean,

0:16:350:16:38

but I can't get a concept out of them.

0:16:380:16:42

In airship terminology, in dirigibles, it is a gondola

0:16:420:16:45

that's suspended underneath the bag of gas.

0:16:450:16:47

Do you know what, that fact alone - true.

0:16:470:16:50

Have we changed channels?

0:16:500:16:52

Where were you going to go?

0:16:520:16:54

Venice.

0:16:540:16:55

Just flying really. It was just...

0:16:550:16:57

He was thinking,

0:16:570:16:59

next time I get locked in a bank, I want an escape plan.

0:16:590:17:02

You, see I'd been on an inflatables course where, where...

0:17:020:17:06

Yeah, spin on it.

0:17:060:17:08

Hang, hang, hang on, hang on, what is an inflatables course?

0:17:080:17:11

It's for people that keep letting down their girlfriend.

0:17:110:17:15

It was just learning how to make things out of plastic

0:17:180:17:21

and blowing up, it was kind of a sculptural thing.

0:17:210:17:24

Now, let's go back to this cat, did he jump from a tree or a wall?

0:17:240:17:28

-Back yard wall.

-Back yard wall.

-Yeah.

0:17:280:17:30

So the cat saw this huge inflated thing and thought...

0:17:300:17:33

-DAVE: Bloody hell, I'll have that.

-I'm going to jump on it.

0:17:330:17:35

Yeah. No, it just jumped on the top and we were in it at the time.

0:17:350:17:39

You were in it. Why had you gone inside?

0:17:390:17:42

To work out where to put the heat shield.

0:17:420:17:45

-You honestly...

-That's true, that's true.

0:17:470:17:50

Couldn't be any more true.

0:17:500:17:51

To work out where to put the heat shield, true.

0:17:510:17:54

Right, chaps. We need an answer. So, David's team -

0:17:560:17:58

is Ray Dave's airship building buddy,

0:17:580:18:02

Susanna's pint drinking opponent, or Lee's hearse driving instructor?

0:18:020:18:08

Let's, let's go through, OK. So the hearse story, nonsense.

0:18:080:18:13

I could imagine BBC Breakfast having a drinking competition.

0:18:130:18:16

I remind you of the phrase,

0:18:160:18:18

we were in there to see where to put the heat shield.

0:18:180:18:21

You think...you think he'd make that up?

0:18:240:18:27

And let's not forget the phrase, Jones's funeral directors.

0:18:270:18:30

I think he's a mate of Dave's.

0:18:320:18:34

I think he looks so much like a mate of Dave's, if we stood them

0:18:340:18:37

face to face, it would look like a vase.

0:18:370:18:39

So you are saying, therefore...?

0:18:390:18:41

Airship. Airship.

0:18:410:18:43

Airship, right. OK. Ray, please reveal your true identity.

0:18:430:18:48

I'm Ray and I built an airship with Dave.

0:18:480:18:51

Thank you very much indeed, Ray.

0:18:570:18:59

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

0:19:030:19:06

in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth

0:19:060:19:09

but against the clock. And we start with...

0:19:090:19:12

It's Susanna, off you go.

0:19:130:19:16

My dad used to keep a coconut in the car because holding it was

0:19:160:19:20

the only thing that would cure my travel sickness.

0:19:200:19:23

David's team.

0:19:230:19:25

Where did the coconut come from?

0:19:250:19:27

We used to go on this very long journey to Devon

0:19:270:19:29

cos that's where we used to go on holiday.

0:19:290:19:31

One year, when the fair came to the village where we were staying,

0:19:310:19:34

we won a coconut and because I was sitting with it in the car on the

0:19:340:19:39

way home, cos I was so fond of it,

0:19:390:19:42

it was the one journey where I didn't get sick.

0:19:420:19:44

And you hadn't opened the coconut, you hadn't given

0:19:440:19:47

in to the temptation which most of us when we get a coconut,

0:19:470:19:50

really the thrill is the smashing open with the hammer of the coconut.

0:19:500:19:53

I disagree.

0:19:530:19:54

It's the drilling and the sucking the milk out with a straw.

0:19:540:19:57

Some of us like to drill and suck, some of us like to smash.

0:19:570:20:00

This is what it says on Rob's match.com website.

0:20:000:20:03

So talk us through the benefits, I mean,

0:20:050:20:08

what was it about holding the hairy little fella that...?

0:20:080:20:11

You got excited then, didn't you?

0:20:150:20:17

I did. Thought it was me for a minute.

0:20:170:20:19

That brought you such, that brought you such comfort?

0:20:190:20:22

I think it must have just been the texture of it

0:20:220:20:24

and also the sheer distraction because...

0:20:240:20:28

This could be the best night of your life, Dave.

0:20:280:20:31

It would help me to visualise if you could put your head in her lap.

0:20:310:20:36

Can we do that? Can you just, you have your head,

0:20:360:20:38

just so we can get a feel, if you could just...

0:20:380:20:43

Wow, do you know what, he didn't take much persuading, did he?

0:20:430:20:47

So how would that look, is this something we could believe in?

0:20:470:20:50

Yeah, just slightly higher so we can see.

0:20:500:20:53

I tell you what, I'm glad he faced that way.

0:20:530:20:56

-That could have been awkward, couldn't it.

-Well...

0:20:560:20:58

You don't look as delighted with the coconut as I was expecting.

0:20:580:21:02

Can I just say, with my slightly spiky hair,

0:21:020:21:04

I probably am slightly more coconut-esque. I'm just saying.

0:21:040:21:08

Too late, the coconut's been cast.

0:21:080:21:10

So, David.

0:21:120:21:14

Marvellous.

0:21:150:21:17

-David, what are you thinking?

-What do you think, Griff?

0:21:190:21:21

I don't believe the old hairy coconut story.

0:21:210:21:23

I think, definitely true.

0:21:230:21:25

Well, I'm saying true, Griff's saying, not true so,

0:21:250:21:27

who ever your favourite is, just go with that.

0:21:270:21:30

This is, it's like I'm, you know, a nasty dad

0:21:300:21:33

with two children of very different ages.

0:21:330:21:36

-My instinct is it's true.

-You think it's true.

0:21:380:21:40

OK, Susanna, they say it's true.

0:21:400:21:42

Were you telling the truth or were you, in fact, telling a lie?

0:21:420:21:47

It is...a lie.

0:21:470:21:50

Yes, it's a lie. Susanna's dad didn't used to keep

0:21:540:21:57

a coconut in the car to cure her travel sickness.

0:21:570:22:01

Next, it's Griff.

0:22:010:22:04

I pretended to Princess Margaret that I was deaf.

0:22:050:22:09

-You pretended to Princess Margaret that you were deaf?

-Yeah.

0:22:090:22:13

Why did you pretend you were deaf?

0:22:130:22:15

Because...because I needed to...

0:22:150:22:21

I needed to explain that I didn't understand what she was saying.

0:22:210:22:25

What did she say?

0:22:250:22:26

She said, "What are you going to say?"

0:22:260:22:28

And how did you find out that's what she'd said?

0:22:280:22:31

Because I pretended to be deaf.

0:22:310:22:33

-She said...

-So she then said it loudly and clearly.

0:22:330:22:36

-So did you have, did...

-What?

0:22:360:22:37

-So did you have someone signing to you then?

-What?

0:22:370:22:40

She came up to me and, if you remember, she spoke in a

0:22:420:22:45

sort of very Princess Margaret sort of voice and so she said...

0:22:450:22:49

We met and we were introduced and she said,

0:22:490:22:51

"Oh, you going here at the end?"

0:22:510:22:52

And you said?

0:22:520:22:54

And I said, "I beg your pardon, Ma'am."

0:22:540:22:57

And she said...

0:22:570:22:59

UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH

0:22:590:23:00

Yeah.

0:23:000:23:03

And I said, "Yes." And she said, "What do you mean, yes?"

0:23:030:23:06

And I said, "I'm terribly sorry.

0:23:080:23:10

"I didn't quite catch what you said then, Ma'am. I am a little deaf."

0:23:100:23:16

And she said?

0:23:160:23:17

"What are you going to say?!"

0:23:170:23:20

-And what were you going to say?

-What?

0:23:200:23:23

What was the answer to the question? What were you going to say?

0:23:230:23:26

-What is the answer to that question?

-"I haven't thought it through yet."

0:23:260:23:30

You mean, you talking to me now or to Princess Margaret?

0:23:300:23:33

No, no, to Princess Margaret.

0:23:330:23:34

The answer should have been, I haven't thought it through yet.

0:23:340:23:37

-Yeah.

-But what did you end up saying?

-That's what I said to her,

0:23:370:23:40

"I haven't quite thought it through yet."

0:23:400:23:41

But...no. But what...the answer...no.

0:23:410:23:43

No, I'm asking, she said, "What are you going to say?"

0:23:430:23:46

He said, "I haven't thought it through yet."

0:23:460:23:48

What I want to know is,

0:23:480:23:49

what were you going to say in the thing that you were supposed to say?

0:23:490:23:52

-Oh, I was going to make a speech.

-And what were you going to say?

0:23:520:23:54

He hadn't thought it through yet.

0:23:540:23:56

I hadn't thought it through at that stage.

0:23:560:23:58

-What did you say?

-Something about art.

-Pardon?

-Art.

0:23:580:24:01

Sorry, I didn't understand what you said.

0:24:010:24:03

I was making a speech.

0:24:030:24:05

You can hear better with your classes on, can you?

0:24:050:24:07

Yeah. I can see you, cos I can see your lips moving now.

0:24:070:24:10

And probably, I might be able to read 'em.

0:24:100:24:12

-It was an art competition...

-A competition, were you in it?

0:24:120:24:14

..And I was giving prizes to the people.

0:24:140:24:16

-You were giving prizes.

-Yeah, and she'd been invited along.

0:24:160:24:19

-Right.

-As the, you know, royal member of royalty.

0:24:190:24:22

And so I met her and I couldn't understand a word she was saying,

0:24:220:24:24

-so I had to lie.

-And pretend you were deaf.

0:24:240:24:27

And it all went horribly wrong.

0:24:270:24:28

Lee, what are you going to say? Is that true, do you think?

0:24:280:24:31

-What do you think, Susanna?

-I think it's true.

0:24:310:24:34

Think it's true.

0:24:340:24:35

I think it's true. You can't stand there going, eh? You what?

0:24:350:24:38

I think Griff would try just to smooth his way out of it.

0:24:380:24:41

Just try and yeah. He's a smoothy, isn't he?

0:24:410:24:44

-Yeah, I think it's true.

-He's an old smoothy. I think it's true.

0:24:440:24:47

You think it's true?

0:24:470:24:48

Griff, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

0:24:480:24:51

What?

0:24:510:24:53

It's true.

0:24:530:24:54

It's true.

0:24:540:24:55

Yes, it's true.

0:24:570:24:59

Griff did pretend to Princess Margaret that he was deaf.

0:24:590:25:03

Next...it is Lee.

0:25:030:25:05

I have hidden in a cupboard to escape Anthea Turner.

0:25:070:25:11

-David's team.

-Where were you when this happened?

0:25:130:25:15

-In the cupboard.

-In the cupboard.

0:25:150:25:17

Where was the cupboard?

0:25:170:25:19

In the room I was hiding from Anthea.

0:25:190:25:22

-Where was the room?

-Just away from Anthea Turner.

0:25:220:25:25

What was the occasion?

0:25:250:25:27

And do not define the occasion or the geographical space

0:25:270:25:30

in relation to Anthea Turner, what else was it?

0:25:300:25:33

It was on a TV show that I was doing...

0:25:330:25:36

Hide In The Cupboard From Anthea. I remember seeing it on BBC Three.

0:25:360:25:39

That's very good. I don't think Lee was ever on it though.

0:25:390:25:41

-Oh, that's a lie.

-What was the show called?

0:25:410:25:43

Pet Power.

0:25:430:25:45

Pet Power.

0:25:450:25:47

-Pet Power. It was about...

-What was the premise?

0:25:470:25:49

Cats with capes.

0:25:490:25:51

What were you doing on the show? What was your role on the show?

0:25:530:25:56

My role on the show? I was the warm up man, like a TV warm up man.

0:25:560:25:59

Pet Power was the show where the pets would come on

0:25:590:26:01

and there would be interesting stories about pets.

0:26:010:26:04

And some of them, this particular incident,

0:26:040:26:07

was a budgie goes up into the rafters.

0:26:070:26:10

And I'm upstairs in my dressing room and I'm watching it on the monitor.

0:26:100:26:14

I hadn't been doing comedy very long and I was running out

0:26:140:26:16

of things to go back and say to warm the audience up.

0:26:160:26:19

And I saw the budgie go up in the rafters,

0:26:190:26:21

panicked and there was a knock on the door.

0:26:210:26:24

-KNOCKING

-Hid in the cupboard.

0:26:240:26:26

And they actually came into the room but I was hiding in the cupboard.

0:26:260:26:29

-You mean the floor manager...

-If you will.

0:26:290:26:32

..Turned to Anthea and said, Anthea, I need you to pop upstairs...

0:26:320:26:36

-No, no.

-..To get the warm up man.

0:26:360:26:37

I don't think it was Anthea that personally came to get me.

0:26:370:26:40

-Oh, I see, you didn't hide from...

-How will I ever know, Griff?

0:26:400:26:43

-They knocked on the door of your dressing room.

-Correct.

0:26:430:26:45

Then what happened?

0:26:450:26:47

As the door opened, I thought oh, my God, they're going to come

0:26:470:26:50

and get me and say, come on, get out the cupboard

0:26:500:26:53

and do some jokes, even though you've none left.

0:26:530:26:55

And at that point, this is the bit you're not going to believe,

0:26:550:26:57

I thought they're going to find me, and then I saw a lion, a witch,

0:26:570:27:02

and I was able to escape into the forest and never was seen again.

0:27:020:27:07

-No.

-I'll tell you what I'm interested to know.

-Yeah.

0:27:070:27:09

You didn't stay in the cupboard indefinitely.

0:27:090:27:12

No, cos that would have been ridiculous.

0:27:120:27:14

-You came out and you must have chanced upon Anthea.

-I did.

0:27:140:27:17

It wasn't really Anthea that went to look for him, it transpires.

0:27:170:27:19

Just the floor manager. It was a normal professional relationship.

0:27:190:27:22

He's rather building up his intimacy with Anthea Turner.

0:27:220:27:25

I don't think they've ever exchanged any words at all.

0:27:250:27:28

Even in the lying world, where any of this happened,

0:27:280:27:30

which is not the world we're living in at all.

0:27:300:27:32

Narnia is more believable.

0:27:320:27:34

David. Could that be true?

0:27:370:27:40

-Griff, do you think it's true?

-It's not true.

-Jimmy?

0:27:400:27:42

I think it could be true. I know Lee used to do TV warm ups.

0:27:420:27:45

I used to do TV warm ups as well, it's how a lot of comics start.

0:27:450:27:48

-When you start out, you run out of material.

-You do.

0:27:480:27:50

-You think it's true.

-It could be true.

0:27:500:27:52

-You've talked yourself into thinking it's...

-Yeah.

0:27:520:27:54

I listened to you earlier in the show and it didn't work

0:27:540:27:57

so I'm going with Griff. It's a lie.

0:27:570:27:58

You think it's a lie?

0:27:580:28:00

OK, Lee, was it the truth or were you telling a lie?

0:28:000:28:03

Of course, it is absolutely true.

0:28:030:28:05

Yes, it's true.

0:28:090:28:12

Lee has hidden inside a cupboard to escape Anthea Turner.

0:28:120:28:16

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:28:160:28:17

And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.

0:28:170:28:20

I can reveal it's a draw.

0:28:200:28:22

But it's not just a team game,

0:28:250:28:28

and my individual liar of the week this week is Dave Myers.

0:28:280:28:32

Yes, Dave and the truth, like his hair and a brush,

0:28:340:28:37

they just don't go together. Good night.

0:28:370:28:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:540:28:57

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS