Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show where it's a talent to tell tales.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

next to the Arran sweater Mrs Brydon knitted me,

he's my favourite ever jumper.

It's Olympic long jump gold medallist Greg Rutherford.

APPLAUSE

And she is the Crimewatch host, who's one of the most popular

presenters on television so I'm sure you'll be cheering her on tonight,

unless you're watching this from G Wing.

It's Kirsty Young.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedy actress and star of

The Thick Of It, a political show all about spin, which is one of

the few four-letter words from that show we can say at 8.30.

It's Joanna Scanlan.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who's come here all the way from Germany.

I said to him, "Eurostar?",

and he said, "Thanks very much, I am quite famous now."

It's Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE

So we begin tonight with round one, it's Home Truths,

where our panellists read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Kirsty is first up, Kirsty, off you go.

OK.

I have five chickens, all named after my favourite newsreaders.

Oh.

Well, there we are. Right, Lee's team, what do you think?

What are their names?

Their names are Anna Ford

Yeah.

Jan Leeming.

Another newsreader.

Selina Scott.

-Newsreader.

-Oh.

Two Scottish ones, Viv Lumsden and Mary Marquis,

they were very well-known newsreaders in Scotland.

What, specifically for Scottish news?

There is Scottish news.

You didn't mention Angela Rippon, did you?

Angela Rippon died. Not the newsreader, the chicken.

Actually, actually it was Moira Stewart that died.

-Ah, not Moira.

-Ah.

This is chickeny Moira Stewart that's passed away,

Chickeny Moira, yeah.

In case any viewers are upset.

Newsy Moira Stewart is as fit as she's ever been.

Not in that way.

LAUGHTER

Can I just ask, is that a joke about Moira Stewart, or did you

really have a chicken called Moira Stewart that died?

I really had...

It's just the way you're looking at me, it's putting me off.

I really had a...

LAUGHTER

I have to say, Kirsty...

This is not the first time a woman has said that to me.

What breed of chicken are they?

They are Burford browns and Cotswold legbars.

-Right, d'you know what...

-Why didn't you eat them?

Yeah, those are real chickens.

How do you know so much about chickens? You seem to know a lot.

Well, I know that... Well, in Waitrose, they...

LAUGHTER

I thought for a minute then you were some sort of farming expert,

-it turns out you're just very middle class.

-Exactly.

And they've got those Cotswold leggy ones, I've noticed the eggs.

Can I ask why you didn't have any male newsreaders?

Well, because we actually...

Well, I'm going to have to say it now. We didn't want a cock.

LAUGHTER

Is it me or is it getting hot in here?

When you say they're your favourite newsreaders...

Can I just say of all the people we've had on the show,

you're the most that sounds like you're actually interrogating.

How do you rate newsreaders, that's the thing I want to understand.

Well, if you've been in the news reading game as I have, Henning,

it's a bit like, you, I'm sure when you watch stand-ups

you think, "Well, they're good, they're not so good..."

Oh, I hate the lot of them.

So why was that one Selina Scott, and not that one?

Well, funny you should ask that.

Selina Scott, particularly beautiful with sort of blondish feathers.

So Jan Leeming, then, what were her markings?

Well, her... They are...

The chicken, not Jan Leeming.

Well, she's a rather dignified bird and she's a very good layer.

Again, are we...?

LAUGHTER

You asked for it.

APPLAUSE

What do you think, Lee? Is she telling the truth?

I'm not buying that, I don't think that's true, I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie.

I think it may be true, but I'm going to go with Henning,

I think he's got a very good beak for it.

We'll go with Henning's beak and we'll say that that is a lie.

You're saying it's a lie.

Kirsty, were you telling us the truth, or were you telling a lie?

It's true.

Yes, it was true all along,

Kirsty does have five chickens named after newsreaders.

Henning, it's your turn.

For three weeks I was listed as a missing person by Interpol.

Wow.

When did this happen?

In the mid '90s.

Where were you? Had you actually disappeared?

I was in Morocco.

What were you doing there?

I was on a bike ride in Spain.

You were on a bike ride in Spain in Morocco?

Can I have a moment to chat with my client?

What happened was I met someone in Spain on a train, a Moroccan man.

So, hang on. Was this bike ride in Spain happening on the train?

Was it? Cos I know that you get those Spanish bike rides

on trains in Morocco, it's probably one of those.

No, there was bad weather, and that's why I took the train

from the north of Spain to the south of Spain

because apparently, according to the local newspaper,

there was better, more agreeable bicycling weather.

How did you then get into Morocco, though?

That is because I met that Moroccan bloke on the train...

Which Moroccan bloke?

Yeah, does he have a name?

Uh, I can't quite remember, but it was Mohammed or something.

Mohammed the Moroccan, you met on the train in Spain.

He asked me if I wanted to join him to go to Morocco

and then I thought, "Well, I've never been outside Europe."

In for a penny, in for a pound, so...

So you were picked up by a strange Moroccan on a train,

and agreed to go back to Morocco with him?

What's the worst that can happen?

How did you find out that you were on the Interpol list?

I realised only once I rang my parents once I was back in Spain,

and I rang my parents, and for them it was like someone phoned them

from beyond the grave.

So why didn't you ring your parents from Morocco?

Because that man, that Mohammed...

-You remember Mohammed, don't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-He was the man on the train.

-The Moroccan on the train.

-The Moroccan on the train who invited him back to his house.

-Yeah.

So by then I was staying there with Mustapha and his family...

LAUGHTER

From what port did you leave Spain

and into which port did you enter Morocco?

Good question.

Well, we left Spain, if I remember correctly, from Algeciras,

and went over to Ceuta,

which is one of the two Spanish enclaves in the north of Morocco.

Good answer.

I think you've just clutched victory from the jaws of defeat.

How was it then resolved? How did you end up getting off of the list?

Well, hang on a minute, we're jumping ahead here,

what the hell did you do in Morocco?

Yeah, he's allowed to do that, isn't he?

What were you doing?

-I was travelling without... No, Mohammed.

-Mohammed.

My client is getting mixed up cos at passport control

they said, "You Mustafa passport."

He's getting a bit mixed up with the names.

I'm curious as to the fact that Interpol has a missing persons list.

Yeah, no what happened is my parents got involved,

and they got Interpol involved.

Right.

I sent a few postcards, one of them to my friend Mark

and on that postcard I wrote, "I have joined the Foreign Legion."

"Probably see you never again, have a good life,"

or something, and then, Mark, being a quite clever boy,

thought, "OK, with this postcard I can have a lot of fun,"

I go round Henning's parents and say them

something along the lines of,

"Herr Wehn, Frau Wehn, you might be interested in this."

-Sorry, so, your friend Mark...

-Yes.

..used this postcard to mentally torture your parents.

"I'll make his parents think he's disappeared forever, for a laugh."

Well, it's German sense of humour.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And what do we know about

this Moroccan chap who we're calling Mohammed?

He hadn't been home for many, many years,

and so we couldn't take the boat straight to Morocco,

we had to go to one of the Spanish enclaves, because he had to collect

a suitcase full of books from a cafe in Ceuta.

Full of what? Why did he have a suitcase full of books?

Because someone left them there for him.

But why books, in a suitcase?

Well, that is, it was back in the mid '90s, people were still reading.

-So he went to a cafe in the Spanish enclave of Morocco...

-Yes.

..to collect a suitcase which he told you was full of books.

Well, I suppose a friend of his left them there.

Yes, but why?

I mean, you know what it sometimes is like, isn't it? Like...

Well, I can't quite think of an example...

But if he could, it would be like that.

This Interpol list that you were on,

can you just elaborate on how your parents got you onto it?

Well, they rang the consulate and they rang all sorts of...

Which consulate?

The German one.

Which German consulate?

Well, the one in Morocco.

They didn't ring the police,

they rang the German consulate in Morocco?

Well, that's how you would go about it, wouldn't you?

It's no good ringing your local bobby.

And what happens then with the list?

Do you just... They have to tell Interpol,

"Stop looking for Henning, we've found him"?

-Yes, I suppose so, yeah.

-Well, did they?

For all we know, they're still looking for you now.

I'm safe.

So what do you think, David?

Does any of that have the ring of truth, or has he made all that up?

What do you think, Kirsty?

I think it's so odd...

..and inconsistent and unlikely that it must be true.

Yeah, that's what I'm leaning towards, as well.

Yeah, I think, I think that, as well.

I think it's true.

Henning, was that the truth or were you telling a lie?

Well, this story is true.

Yes, it's true.

Henning was listed as a missing person by Interpol.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Andy.

APPLAUSE

So, let's start with Kirsty. What is Andy to you?

This is Andy, he played a handbag snatcher

in a Crimewatch reconstruction and we only got nine calls,

but every single one of those nine calls

said that Andy was actually the bag snatcher.

Greg, what is Andy to you?

This is Andy, I beat him in a speed eating competition

where I ate more than a kilo of ribs.

Right, David, what's your relationship with Andy?

This is Andy, last year he gave me a surfing lesson and he told me

that he'd never seen a novice display

such natural ability amongst the waves.

So there we have it. Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,

Greg's rib eating rival or David's complimentary surf coach.

Lee, where do you want to start?

Definitely with David.

Could you just show us the basic move, cos I had a surfing lesson once

and the first thing you learn is to go from lying to standing, don't you?

Could you show us that move?

-The lying to standing move?

-You heard it.

I can't really remember it, it was only one lesson.

Where did you... where did you go for a surf?

Near Newquay in Cornwall.

So I'm not letting it go, would you demonstrate the movement from...

APPLAUSE

-This should be interesting.

-Yeah, well, I'm...

So you're lying on the board, I'm helping you as much as I can.

Lying on the board.

And watch the movement, ladies and gentlemen,

watch as he gets to the standing.

-I'm sort of paddling along.

-Nice.

Yeah, and then you get up to your knees first.

Oh, do you?

And then, so I'm on my knees now. I'm still a bit shaky, though.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a beginner, basically.

-But you're a natural.

-Already I'm showing promise.

See? I haven't fallen in.

You've not.

And then...

-You're the only person I know that was dressed like that.

-Yeah.

So you're on your knees.

-Yeah, and then I stand up on it.

-Do it.

-Can I use that?

-Oh, that was there.

What I did that not everyone can do is I actually leant on a wave,

cos you can.

You know, if you hit water at enough speed it's like concrete,

and, similarly, for me, it's just up, there you go.

APPLAUSE

I thought I'm surfing that way.

But then, if you want to turn round, you just move the tiller, and...

Why were you down there and why had you decided...

You don't strike me as a man of the sea.

It was a stag do. A friend of mine was getting married.

I know what stag do's are.

In the run up, it was decided it was a weekend in Cornwall.

Who was the friend?

His name was Robbie.

David, what size was the board?

-What size was the board?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

That's him giving him time to think the reiteration of the question.

What size, the board size?

What size the board, the board of the size.

-You want me to tell you the board size?

-Yes.

Um, normal.

-Normal size.

-Normal.

What size is a normal-sized board?

How long is a... Well, this surfboard was six feet long.

-Six feet?

-Six feet.

-That's, that's...

That's a very short surfboard.

Ten foot would have been believable. Six foot is not believable.

Six foot, yeah, but he is quite a maverick.

To be honest, I didn't, I didn't...

-Surf.

-..measure it.

One final question, what else did you and the guys get up to

on the stag weekend, David?

We had a curry one night.

Rock and roll.

Cornish curry.

If you go to the seaside, you're not having a curry,

you're having fish and chips, aren't you.

And what sort of stag do goes all the way to Newquay

and says "Well, I really fancy now some naan bread."

I must say, if that's the part that you think

is the chink in my armour...

..that a stag do wouldn't have a curry at the seaside,

then I reckon I'm doing all right.

Right, Lee, who's next?

-OK, Kirsty.

-Yes.

Just remind me again of your thing.

This is Andy, and in a Crimewatch reconstruction he played

a bag snatcher, and we only got nine calls

on the particular reconstruction, and every single one of them

actually named Andy as the real bag snatcher.

He was representing the criminal, yeah, and...

The bag snatcher.

The bag snatcher. How much money was in the bag?

Um, well, actually, that was the reason, because we wouldn't normally

have something like a bag snatcher on Crimewatch

cos although it's serious to the person it's happened to, it's not...

Is this where you pretend it was more serious?

She wouldn't let go of the bag, so it ended up as kidnap.

No, no, no.

And we shouldn't make light of it, Lee. It's crime.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So Andy would be, then, an actor, would he?

Yeah, Andy is an actor.

Well, why did the nine people bother to ring up and say,

"My friend Andy the actor is playing..."

No, no, no, they were people who had actually witnessed the crime

who phoned us and said, that is the actual guy.

He looked so like the person.

Ah-hah.

So you're telling me that people rang up the BBC and said,

"I think I know who did it, it's the person I've just seen doing it

"in the reconstruction"?

-Yeah.

-What does that mean?

What are you talking about?

Just to be clear, Crimewatch has been going...

It'll be 25 years next year. This has never happened before.

You don't say.

I would go as far to say it's never happened at all.

Was Andy subsequently arrested?

-Andy wasn't arrested...

-He wasn't arrested.

-No.

He wasn't arrested, he's an actor! Of course he wasn't arrested!

-Get him now!

-Let's get him, quick!

Right, what about Greg, and his story?

You think Greg did it?

He would have got away.

He would.

So go on, Greg, remind us of your, um, thing.

This is Andy, and I beat him in a speed eating contest

where I ate over a kilo of ribs.

Where was this?

At a training camp, Andy's an athlete.

What's his event?

110 metre hurdles so that's over 10 hurdles.

He runs over 110 metre hurdles. Does he use a ladder?

If you're wondering what a kilo of ribs looks like, I'm your man,

because look at these here, you see.

Here we go.

Oooh. That's a kilo of ribs.

That smells. So that is a kilo of ribs.

How long did it take you to eat this much ribs?

I think, if I remember correctly, about six minutes.

-Six minutes, to eat all that?

-Six minutes?

-Yeah.

But how did you know whether you'd finished them or not?

They weren't there any more.

Let's do it logically.

So let's assume there is 60 bits on the rack.

Yeah.

And you've eaten them all in six minutes,

which works out at six seconds a thingybob.

One, two, three,

four, five, six.

That's doable.

I think that is doable.

APPLAUSE

Right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team. Is Andy Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,

Greg's rib eating rival, or David's complimentary surf coach?

Andy does look like an athlete.

-Yeah.

-He does, he definitely.

Well, yeah, but he also looks a bit like a surfing dude,

and, dare I say, a minor criminal.

I think it's Greg.

OK, you think it's Greg.

I don't think it's Kirsty. I think it's more likely Greg.

I have two Gregs, so I will make that three Gregs. Three Gregs, please.

OK. You're saying it's Greg. Andy, please reveal your true identity.

My name is Andy, and Greg did once beat me eating a kilo of ribs.

And it's not just any Andy.

This is Andy Turner who is indeed

European and Commonwealth hurdling champion.

APPLAUSE

Big thanks to Andy Turner, ladies and gentlemen.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

BUZZER

It's Lee.

I have had to stop listening to a classic 1980s pop song,

because every time I play it, it makes my baby daughter cry.

David and team.

What is the song?

I can't talk about it.

It's Ultravox, Vienna.

And how many times have you played it and she cried before you decided,

"Oh, hang on, no, this is, this is definitely a trend"?

It happened three times randomly, and on the third time I thought,

"This has got to be, no, it's not a coincidence now

"because she seems to be doing it at the same point."

Which bit?

Well, it starts off quite slow, it goes...

LEE HUMS "Vienna" by Ultravox

We'll be here all night if I do this.

And then suddenly, he suddenly goes

# The feeling is gone... #

And then she started crying her eyes out and I thought

that was coincidence, so I tried it once, finally, just to test it.

So after the third time you decided, "OK, I'm spotting a trend,"

and then you played it a fourth time.

Fourth time. I even filmed it, I thought I'll film the evidence.

How loud was the track when you were playing it?

Piercingly loud that would make a baby cry, cos I really,

I really wanted to prove my point on the fourth one.

So what are you thinking, David?

Greg, what do you think?

I don't know. I haven't had any children

so I don't know whether or not they just hate ones,

like one track like that, but...

You should get one cos then they'll get a sandpit and you'll be happy.

I think it's true.

I think it's true, cos I think the pitch of the music,

I think it is the kind of thing that could disturb a little baby.

Well, I'm going to go with Kirsty. I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

OK. Lee, were you telling the truth, or was it a lie?

It is in fact true.

It is true.

And, rather excitingly, we can prove it.

I did film it. I felt terrible.

I did it once. It's never been played again. Play the VT.

OK, so here it is.

So I'm going to play this once and we'll never do this again.

All right, Millie, promise you we'll never do this again.

RADIO PLAYS "Vienna" by Ultravox

# The feeling has gone only you and I

# It means nothing to me. #

APPLAUSE

So sorry, Millie. The bizarrest thing.

I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen,

now that's light entertainment.

It's made me so angry cos they wouldn't show the clip of me

attacking my mother with a taser.

I thought it was really funny.

Yes, it's true. There is nothing that Lee will not do for a laugh.

Next.

BUZZER

It's... Oh, it's me. Right.

I was recently bounced off a bouncy castle

whilst trying to prevent a bouncident.

What's a bouncident?

It's an incident involving a bounce,

and you put the two together to create bouncident.

Bouncident. Surely it's a derivative of accident, not incident.

Well, obviously an accident is an incident,

and a bouncident is an incident. Was this bouncident an accident?

It was an bouncident waiting to happen.

How did you go about preventing the bouncident...

that might or might not have happened.

I'll tell you everything.

Let me set the scene for you.

It's early summer. It was the birthday party of a small child.

Were you invited or just turned up?

I... Let's be clear.

-There's a children's party in a church hall.

-Yeah.

-I'm attending because it's the party of my nephew.

-Yeah.

And there's a bouncy castle.

-Whoa, whoa, in the church hall?

-I know, I've never seen that.

-Indoors?

-Yes, yes.

-An indoor bouncy castle?

-Indoors.

-How big was it?

-Yes.

-No, there wasn't.

How did they get it in the door?

That's a fire hazard.

I'm not an idiot. How did they get it in the door? We've got him!

No, I'm sorry. Church hall, is that where the service is being held?

-No.

-No, no.

It's the adjacent bit.

Church hall was our Prime Minister during the war.

APPLAUSE

Now, I don't like bouncy castles, cos I think they're dangerous.

Right.

And my little boy went on after I'd expressly told him not to.

What, he disobeyed your orders?

You're the worst father,

or the most incompetent father I've ever heard of.

Well, I don't like to say but I think the boy's better off in care.

APPLAUSE

This is very upsetting.

He clambered on, unbeknownst to me and he's going back and forth.

So I get on and I get my little boy, George, who is not even two,

and I pick him up.

-Right.

-OK.

And I'm trying now to hold my little boy,

whilst being bounced by these evil children.

My wife is stood on terra firma.

And as I'm coming off the bouncy castle, a particularly hefty child

bounces, sending me up, holding my son.

I hurtle through the air.

Luckily, I come to my feet like Spiderman,

but the impetus is too much.

I surge forward and head butt my wife.

Thus having the bouncident that I was trying to avoid.

So what are you going to say, Lee?

What do we think?

-Yes, I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

If a two-year-old had clambered on,

you might well go and get your two-year-old off.

-I think that's true.

-Well, then, I must say true.

You say true. David's team.

Well, we'll say it's a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie.

-Yep.

You say it's true.

Well, it's actually...

true.

The tension mounts.

Yes, it's true. I was recently bounced off a bouncy castle

while trying to prevent a bouncident.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is Henning Wehn.

Yes, Henning Wehn.

It was a close run thing, but he won on penalties. Good night.

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