Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Good evening,

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and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where lies win the prize.

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On David Mitchell's team tonight,

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a comedienne recently voted one of the 100 most powerful

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women in Britain. Yes, not only is she hilarious, she can also toss

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a caber and drag a tractor using just her teeth. It's Sarah Millican.

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APPLAUSE

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And a comedian who is famous for his compulsive obsessive disorder, and

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yes, I said that the wrong way round on purpose just to unnerve him.

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It's Jon Richardson.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's the comedy legend that gave us

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the anarchic Shooting Stars. We're no strangers to anarchy here -

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David Mitchell's not even wearing a tie tonight.

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It's Bob Mortimer.

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APPLAUSE

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And he's the Homeland star who left Birmingham to go to Hollywood,

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but says one day he wants to return.

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He IS a good actor! It's David Harewood.

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APPLAUSE

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And so we begin with round one, Home Truths,

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where our panellists read out a statement from the card

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in front of them, and to make things harder, they've never seen

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the card before so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

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and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

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OK, Bob, you're first up tonight.

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Thank you.

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I once set fire to my house with a box of fireworks.

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David Mitchell's team.

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Ah, was this on purpose?

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LAUGHTER

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It was... It was done out of ignorance.

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LAUGHTER

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What age were you?

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I was somewhere round about seven.

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I want to know where you grew up where a seven-year-old can buy

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-a box of fireworks.

-I bought them in the shop where, near where I lived in Middlesbrough,

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it was a box for 2/6 of Standard Fireworks, that was the brand.

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Standard brand! That sounds exciting, Standard Fireworks.

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-Yeah.

-A normal level of excitement will be engendered.

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For a Bonfire Night you WILL forget!

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But, but it says Standard but then it's, pch! Pch! Pch!

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That IS standard for a firework!

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So you're in your home?

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-Yeah.

-And you are seven or eight years old.

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-I'm seven and I'm on my own, yeah.

-On your own.

-What happens?

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On one of the fireworks, I think it was the sparklers,

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it said "not suitable for indoor use,"

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which, at that age, makes you think, "Ah, that means they're OK."

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Could you just not read the word "not" when you were a bairn?

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Did you think "not" was the brand?

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You go, "Oh, lovely I like that "not" brand food.

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"It's "not" - for human consumption."

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LAUGHTER

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You know that logic that says, well, people have obviously tried them indoors.

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And discovered they're not suitable.

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-Yeah.

-So, therefore, I won't use them indoors because I want to live.

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But if you look on a big firework, it won't say not suitable

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-for indoor... It's obvious.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Well, not to everybody.

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But on the sparklers they chose to put it on.

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So what happened?

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I lit the sparkler, the sparks went into the box of fireworks -

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the Standard box - and set THEM off and I carried the box of fireworks,

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now beginning to light into the kitchen and I threw them into the kitchen.

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I thought it would be more suitable.

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I think you're right, the kitchen of all the rooms is the most

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suitable for fireworks, isn't it?

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-It is.

-Because of the oven, the gas,

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the stove - there is fire naturally in the kitchen.

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Yeah. There's a lot of...and there's more... It's more wipe-down. Less cloth.

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So what happened then?

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They went off in the, um...

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What was the sound like? Was it bing! Wheee! Pssh-pssh-pssh?

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No, these were only Standard. Phoo! Phoo!

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LAUGHTER

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And er... No, I can't remember...I remember, as I'm sat here now,

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wiping the scorch marks off the floor and thinking that my mum's going to kill me...

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-Yeah.

-..and so I'm going to be in big trouble,

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then I went back into the living room. Unbeknownst to me...

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-Yeah.

-..I'd dropped one.

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And it just... The living room was completely engulfed in flames.

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It sounds to me that if you're on your own at home at seven,

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your mum's pretty laid-back anyway.

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She said, "Son, will you sit here

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"and look after these fireworks whilst I go out to the bingo."

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So you lit the sparkler, a spark went into the Standard box.

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-Yes.

-The box started to go...

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You go, "Uh-oh, I must get them into the most suitable room for fireworks."

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-Yeah.

-That's the kitchen, no need to go beyond the kitchen to the outdoors.

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Yeah. Mum said, "Don't go out."

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No, it's good to know that there was at least one rule in your house.

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What time of day did all this happen?

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This happened mid-afternoon.

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-Oh, dear. So you didn't really get the benefit of the fireworks?

-No.

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Who put the fire out?

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I went to next door where Miss Best lived.

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Bless her, she was about 80 and I knocked on her door

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and said, "My house is on fire," and she said, "Do you know, I thought it was."

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So what happened then?

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She called the fire brigade.

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They fired their water hoses throughout the house.

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-Ruining it.

-Even the rooms where there was no fire.

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-Not ruining it?

-Yeah.

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You do know that before they put out the fire, it was already ruined, don't you?

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You're making this house all wet, it was lovely and warm before.

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Lee, it's the water damage that knackers the house.

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-Is it? Not the fire?

-Not the fire.

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If they would use their boots to put it out...

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I must say, the entire house was...that's it.

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I was in a family of four children and we had...

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we were homeless.

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-Keep it light.

-I'm just saying.

-Where were all the other kids while you were alone with the fire?

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Why did she take three children out and leave you?

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They were looking after fireworks in other people's houses.

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So, you say you were homeless - how much of the house did the inferno claim?

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-It had gone, the entire house.

-The whole house?

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-The whole house burnt down?

-The whole house burnt down.

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So how much did you leave in the living room?

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The fireworks in the kitchen have only caused a few scorches!

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-Yeah.

-What did you leave in the living room?

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And now, and now don't you feel stupid for saying Standard fireworks?

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-Yeah.

-I'll tell you...

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Not really. I think you were stupid for lighting a sparkler indoors.

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If you don't know what you dropped

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in the living room is there a chance that it's just a coincidence?

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-No, it could be.

-That it might not have been your fault?

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-That's what I said to the press.

-It's not your fault.

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Press? What, what press, who, who, who did you speak to?

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-Local press.

-They... Cos they came to the house while it was burning?

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Yeah. You know, with their hats on, trilbies, sniffing around.

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LAUGHTER

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With those little bits of paper in the hat.

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-Typewriters and everything?

-Yeah.

-Were they called things like Scoop McLean?

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I believe he was called Ron Waffle.

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Sorry, Ron Waffle?

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It was either him or the other ace reporter on the Gazette was

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John Caramel. It was one of them two.

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Caramel and Waffle!

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Honestly.

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The question is whether you think Bob has been telling the truth.

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Well, I was... I thought it seemed very plausible

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until we heard about Caramel and Waffle.

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I think he thinks he's telling the truth, but I think what's

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happened, at some point, he's seen a film in which this has happened.

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-He saw Backdraft.

-And is now convinced that it happened to him.

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I think it's a lie.

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Sarah?

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I, ah, I sort of... I was going to say I want it to be true,

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but that sounds really horrible.

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I think... I don't... I think it might be true.

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Well, I think it's true. I think it's true.

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-So you're going to go for true?

-Yeah.

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OK. Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

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I was telling the truth.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it's true, Bob once set fire to his house with a box of fireworks.

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Jon, you're next.

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When I'm stressed, I often take a water-free bath.

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Water-free baths, Lee and his team.

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-Do you er, do you get undressed?

-No.

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Do you, do you just sit in the bath?

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Well, I lie in the bath.

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Well, of course, cos you want to get the imaginary water all over your body, don't you?

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Do you imagine there's water in the bath or does your mind accept it's not there?

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-No, you know it's not there. I'm not... I'm not an idiot.

-I know it's not there.

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Do you have a hovering duck?

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How long do you spend in this position?

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Uh, well, it depends on how stressed I am.

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If I'm very stressed I'll be in there a long time,

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if I'm only a little bit stressed I'll pop in and I'll pop out again.

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But what's the benefit, what,

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I don't see what is stress-relieving about it.

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Oh, a bath is stress-relieving, isn't it, but then it's quite a faff

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innit, running the water, taking your clothes off, then you're

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wet, you can't go out when you're wet, so you've got to dry yourself

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-then you've got to put your clothes back on.

-Well, why...

-If you just get in without all that faff,

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you get all the joy of a bath and none of the fuss.

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You're from the north - I'll bet you've got just an imaginary flannel.

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You said that like you're not from the north.

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I, I, I've completely converted now.

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Have you told your accent?

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Are you always alone?

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LAUGHTER

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-Oh, wow!

-Sarah do you mean in life or in the bath?

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Whichever one he wants to answer.

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I... You always should be in the bath alone, I think we'll all agree.

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Jon, do you do any, like, bath-related things when you're in

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the non-bath, or do you just shut your eyes and lie there?

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Uh, sometimes I'll put my dressing gown on over me or a big towel to...

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-Over your clothes?

-Over your clothes?

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-Over me, I'll get into the bath.

-Oh, in the bath.

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Oh, right, so now it's suddenly got a bit more disturbing.

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It's stress relief, isn't it? I don't just sit there, like, in the bath, like, you know...

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-I don't smoke.

-You could have an imaginary cigarette

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if you're having an imaginary bath - it's fine!

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So what are you thinking, Lee?

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Does this, does this smack of the truth?

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-Um, what do we think, David?

-I think it's total nonsense.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

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Putting the thing over your head, I think it would add to the stress as opposed to relieving it.

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-I'm going for a lie.

-You're going for a lie.

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Go for a lie in his bath fully clothed.

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Actually, come to think...

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A fart's not going to be half the fun in this non-bath, is it?

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-So are we going to say lie?

-Lie.

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My team say lie so I have to go with them and say lie.

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You're all saying it's a lie, OK. Jon Richardson, were you just telling us

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the truth or were you telling a lie?

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It was,

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sadly, true.

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Oh, no.

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Oh, no, no, no.

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I want it... Let's end the show there, let's end the show there, we'll have

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a quick chat with Jon, we'll bring on Jeremy Kyle and just end it now.

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Yes, it's true, when Jon is stressed he has a water-free bath.

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Our next round is called This Is My... where we

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bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to

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one of our panellists. Now this week, each of Lee's team will

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claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest

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and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

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So, please welcome this week's special guest, Keith.

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APPLAUSE

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So, er, Bob, first of all. Bob, what is Keith to you?

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Er, this is Keith, he's my oldest friend

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and when we were at school together we hid

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a Dictaphone in the classroom ceiling to confuse our teacher.

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David Harewood.

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Er, this my is old teacher, Keith. I once had to claim I wasn't me

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when I met him in a cafe, as I was in character preparing for Homeland.

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And finally, Lee - your relationship with Keith?

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This is Keith, and his hawk... Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah. I'll admit, David, it's a difficult start, but go with it.

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This is Keith

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and his hawk was supposed to land on my arm at a village fete,

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but instead, stole the wig from the man next to me

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and flew off into a tree.

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So there we are. It's Bob's classroom prankster,

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it's David's blanked buddy or it's Lee's hawk handler.

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David's team, where do you start?

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So, yes, David, what, he was a teacher at your school?

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-Very briefly.

-What, a whole lesson?

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I mean, I don't know if... I mean, I could... I would see him.

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-But he didn't teach you.

-No, not teach me.

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He was someone who hung around a school

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and, charitably, you assumed he was a teacher.

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But if he was at the school a short period of time how did you

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even recognise him in the cafe?

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Oh, I knew it was him.

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He walked into the cafe and he said, "Hi, David,"

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and, basically, I blanked him.

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It was literally the month before I went to America

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when I was doing Homeland and I'd just been to see my dialect coach.

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He basically said I have to stay in my American voice, so...

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Could you not have explained that to him in your American voice?

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"I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm doing a role here."

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I, I don't think it was ever as good as that, Jon, to be fair.

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I basically just had to say, "I don't know what you're talking about."

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Oh, that's... I'm, I'm remembering you now.

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-Do the voice a bit more.

-I said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

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Oh. That did weird things to me.

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LAUGHTER

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So your dialect coach said, "You're in this role, you need to stay in this character.

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"Now the lesson's over, let's go to a very public place where you're likely to encounter several people."

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You have to stay in that voice. You have to have the confidence to stay in your voice.

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Why can't you just, like, turn it on like an actor?

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Oh, that's a, that's a cheap shot, Sarah.

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I did... I had to say... I did phone him up afterwards and apologise.

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So you had his number.

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You stayed in touch with a teacher you barely remember?

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Would it be fair to say the hawk's looking a bit more plausible?

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So, David, who would you like to question next?

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Um. Bob, er, remind us of your allegation!

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When we were at school together we hid a Dictaphone machine

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in the ceiling tiles to, um, interrupt the lesson.

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So, not to record but to play stuff.

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-Yeah.

-What sort of stuff?

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Well, it was, um, important to keep a gap at the beginning

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so we let it run for about 15 minutes and then there was the

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noise of a fly...

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..for a brief period then another bit...period.

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-To confuse the teacher.

-Where would you get the noise from the fly? You'd make the noise?

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We'd make the noise ourselves. I'm not paying for no fly to do it.

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-Bob, let's hear your fly.

-Bzzzzzz. You know...what?

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-It does sound like a fly.

-Can I hear your bee?

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Er, we didn't do a bee.

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-Do you know how to do a bee?

-How?

-Just like that fly.

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Oh, no, it's more...it's more wholesome if it's a bee, isn't it?

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-Show me the difference, David.

-Well, I don't know. I'm, I'm not...

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-Do it.

-But I would say, OK a bee would be a sort of a fuller bzzzzzzzzzz.

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No, that's a bumble bee.

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Whereas a fly is a (HIGHER PITCH) zzzzzzzz.

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-That is good.

-That's good, very good.

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Do you see the way he just slipped straight in and out of character?

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-So you'd hide it.

-So, yes, there was silence.

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-Yeah.

-Then a little bit of fly, silence, little bit of fly

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and then quite loudly, but not to frighten anyone, the word "wolf!"

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What? Then more silence.

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-Yeah.

-A bit more silence. Then...

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-Yeah.

-..Speedway stadium.

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Speedway stadium?

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Do you know, the idea was just to say kind of random things.

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We had, he was a really nice teacher called, um, Bill Whittlingham.

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How did Bill Whittlingham react to these random sounds?

0:16:590:17:02

Well, Mr Whittlingham left the room and said,

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"Can you sort this out by the time I've gone back?"

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"Whatever it is that's going on."

0:17:090:17:11

And there was a cupboard in the corner where, interestingly,

0:17:110:17:14

it had exercise books in it, pens and that, but it also had, in a little cage, a hand lion,

0:17:140:17:20

which is a robotic... It's a battery operated thing.

0:17:200:17:23

-A what?

-Are you just,

0:17:230:17:24

are you just saying any words that come into your head in any order?

0:17:240:17:28

It's a hand lion and if you...

0:17:280:17:31

-A hand lion?

-It's a robotic elect...animatronic hand lion.

0:17:310:17:36

And if you'd been particularly good he would put it on your hand

0:17:360:17:40

and set it to "lick" and it would lick you.

0:17:400:17:44

-If you'd been particularly...

-Was this like a clockwork lion?

0:17:440:17:47

No, it was remote control, I promise you. It was remote control?

0:17:470:17:49

Remote control. He had the controller in his desk and he said,

0:17:490:17:53

"You've been such a good boy,

0:17:530:17:55

"get out the hand lion and you'll get a lick."

0:17:550:17:57

And if you'd been bad he'd put him on your hand and he'd strike,

0:17:570:18:00

he'd strike at your hand.

0:18:000:18:02

So, the hand lion had two settings - it could lick or it could strike.

0:18:020:18:06

Yes, good boy, bad boy.

0:18:060:18:07

Right, very sensible.

0:18:070:18:09

-Now the only problem with it of course...

-What, this story?

0:18:090:18:12

The only problem was cos if the batteries got low, it would get constipated.

0:18:140:18:19

No, anyway but in this cupboard, so we got up on the cupboard, um...

0:18:230:18:27

You climb onto the cupboard that the hand lion is housed in?

0:18:270:18:31

-Probably asleep.

-Right. You reach up under the ceiling tile.

0:18:310:18:35

-Take out the Dictaphone.

-Switch it off.

-Yeah.

0:18:350:18:37

-Mr Whittlingham comes back in.

-Yes, yes.

-What happens?

0:18:370:18:40

He's nervously awaiting another, you know, edict from above.

0:18:400:18:43

It doesn't come, we carry on with the lesson, um, British Government and Politics, it was.

0:18:430:18:48

There was a lesson called British Government and Politics?

0:18:480:18:50

-Yeah.

-A whole year on that?

0:18:500:18:52

Two years. It was A-Level.

0:18:520:18:54

So the 6th formers...

0:18:540:18:55

A hand lion...

0:18:550:18:57

A hand lion that can either lick or strike was what was used to

0:19:000:19:05

express praise or,

0:19:050:19:07

or the opposite to these 17 or 18-year-old students.

0:19:070:19:13

And it was very effective.

0:19:130:19:16

All right, would you like to move on to the final claim.

0:19:160:19:19

So Lee, tell the story about Keith.

0:19:190:19:22

I was at a village fete, and er...

0:19:220:19:25

Why were you at a village fete?

0:19:250:19:27

I was helping out.

0:19:270:19:28

-What village?

-Thames Ditton.

-Why were you helping out at Thames Ditton fete?

0:19:280:19:32

I don't live too far away from there and they asked me to help out and I did a few little things. I did...

0:19:320:19:37

I did a bit of tombola, a bit of announcing then I went over to

0:19:370:19:39

judge the pig racing, the usual things you do at a fete, you know.

0:19:390:19:43

-The pig racing?

-Yeah. I don't know why I judged it, cos surely, first past the post, but...

0:19:430:19:47

It was... I was there in case of a dead heat.

0:19:490:19:52

And what happened with the... with the hawk and Keith and the wig?

0:19:520:19:56

One of the things, um, I had to do was to volunteer to stand there

0:19:560:20:00

and learn - he had the little, er, headpiece on, where he'd

0:20:000:20:04

teach the crowd basic falconry, I believe we call it.

0:20:040:20:07

I stick the, er, stick the glove on and, er,

0:20:070:20:09

then hold this little thing. I don't know what it was but I'm doing this.

0:20:090:20:13

-A small morsel of meat.

-Thank God you've been to one, cos I haven't. I'm holding a small morsel of meat.

0:20:130:20:17

Then what happens? And then, er...

0:20:170:20:19

Then the swan comes down.

0:20:190:20:21

The swan came down.

0:20:210:20:23

So the hawk comes over, right, it comes up there, there's a person

0:20:230:20:26

missing from this story, and it's the mayor, right, the local mayor.

0:20:260:20:29

I can't say it in... I always struggle.

0:20:290:20:31

The mayor.

0:20:310:20:33

The mayor! The mayor, right? So.

0:20:330:20:35

The mayor is standing next to a horse.

0:20:350:20:37

Yeah. So, the local...

0:20:370:20:38

So, the mayor is doing his bit,

0:20:380:20:41

but the mayor has got a wig on, right, the hawk flies over to go

0:20:410:20:45

and land on my hand, but he lands on the mayor's head

0:20:450:20:48

so it gets caught up in his, in his... What shall we call them?

0:20:480:20:52

-Talons.

-Talons!

-Talons.

0:20:520:20:53

Gets caught up in the talons

0:20:530:20:54

and then in the sort of panic the bird sort of...and he can't

0:20:540:20:57

release this wig and he flies off and he goes into the tree.

0:20:570:21:00

I said, "Why didn't he go for the meat?" He said, "I genuinely think the gold chain caught his eye,"

0:21:000:21:05

there was a bit of confusion for a second, and he just did a bit of an emergency landing on a

0:21:050:21:09

mayor's wig at Thames Ditton fete! What's there not to believe?

0:21:090:21:15

At that point, did you cry, "Oh, no - the mayor's hair's over there"?

0:21:150:21:19

All right, so David's team - is Keith Bob's classroom prankster,

0:21:230:21:29

David's blanked buddy or Lee's hawk handler.

0:21:290:21:33

I was believing Bob until the fact that he was 18 and the hand lion.

0:21:330:21:39

I'm leaning towards David.

0:21:390:21:41

I think I'm leaning toward David.

0:21:410:21:43

I think, I think it's Bob. And I think he panicked cos he knew we were onto him, so he went

0:21:430:21:47

on a ridiculous riff about a hand lion to throw us off the scent.

0:21:470:21:50

I'll go Bob, but I've been wrong before.

0:21:500:21:53

-Sarah?

-I'm going to go David.

0:21:530:21:54

-We'll go David.

-You're saying David.

-M'hm.

0:21:540:21:57

Keith, please reveal your true identity.

0:21:570:22:00

My name is Keith and, er, Bob and I recorded voices

0:22:000:22:04

and hid the Dictaphone in the ceiling.

0:22:040:22:06

Yes, um... Keith is Bob's classroom prankster.

0:22:120:22:17

I would never have believed all that stuff about a hand lion was completely true.

0:22:170:22:24

Thanks very much, Keith.

0:22:240:22:25

Thank you.

0:22:250:22:26

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies, we start with...

0:22:290:22:34

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:22:340:22:35

It's Sarah Millican.

0:22:350:22:37

-Possession.

-Ah, there's a box under your desk. Would you pop it on the desk

0:22:370:22:41

and then first of all read out the card that's inside, before you

0:22:410:22:45

show us what the possession is.

0:22:450:22:48

This is my cat-cam.

0:22:500:22:53

I put it around my cat's neck for a week to film what it got up to

0:22:530:22:57

because I believed it was him who kept turning the kitchen tap on.

0:22:570:23:02

OK, let's take this item out and pop it on the desk.

0:23:020:23:05

Right, Lee's team, cat-cam.

0:23:050:23:07

So you're saying that the... You thought the cat might be

0:23:070:23:10

-turning the tap on.

-Yes.

-we know it wasn't Jon.

0:23:100:23:12

So you put the cat-cam on the cat

0:23:140:23:17

for how long?

0:23:170:23:19

For, well generally, like an hour at a time, but while I was out.

0:23:190:23:23

So the cat's clever enough not to be turning this tap on when you're in.

0:23:230:23:26

Well, yeah, because I would just see him doing it

0:23:260:23:29

and then I would know it was him.

0:23:290:23:30

If he could do the tap, were you not worried that he could turn

0:23:300:23:33

the camera off?

0:23:330:23:34

LAUGHTER

0:23:340:23:35

No, cos the tap's like one of those ones where that's quite fiddly.

0:23:360:23:41

How do you see the picture? You connect it to a computer?

0:23:410:23:43

Yeah, it's just got a USB thing, yeah.

0:23:430:23:46

-I see, OK.

-You attach it to the computer, and how long,

0:23:460:23:48

-you watch it an hour at a time?

-Well, you fast forward it, I'm not sitting watching.

0:23:480:23:52

-Oh, just the highlights, you're doing the highlights.

-Yeah.

0:23:520:23:56

-Go on, the big question is...

-Was it the cat?

-Not so far, but I'm still... It's still sort of...

0:23:560:24:00

-Somebody's turning the taps on when you go out of the house.

-It's kind of a work in progress, so...

0:24:000:24:04

-When you come...when you come back...

-I hope he's not watching, cos...

0:24:040:24:07

-Don't worry, he can turn this off.

-He's turned this off.

0:24:070:24:11

-Can I ask you a question, very, just..?

-Yes.

0:24:110:24:13

Why didn't you attach the camera to the taps?

0:24:130:24:16

Oh!

0:24:160:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:18

Thank you.

0:24:210:24:22

What's the name of your cat, Sarah?

0:24:230:24:25

He's called Chief Brody.

0:24:250:24:26

And the personality, is he a scratcher?

0:24:260:24:29

-He is a scratcher.

-On bits of furniture?

0:24:290:24:32

On, arms.

0:24:320:24:33

Yeah. Well, that's not so much of a worry - it's the furniture

0:24:330:24:35

is more the thing, isn't it?

0:24:350:24:37

-Is it?

-Thanks.

-Can I ask why you're so worried about the cat turning the taps on

0:24:370:24:41

when you've got something in your house that's attacking you?

0:24:410:24:44

I wouldn't mind if he turned the tap on if it's scratching my face.

0:24:440:24:47

-Well, that's because you're not a cat lover.

-No, but I don't like things that scratch.

0:24:470:24:52

Well, don't get a cat, then.

0:24:520:24:56

-Am I the weirdo here?

-Yeah.

0:24:560:24:57

-Can we have a show of hands?

-Yes.

0:24:590:25:02

That's so lovely to hear, cos usually it's me.

0:25:020:25:07

What colour is your cat, Sarah?

0:25:070:25:09

Ginger.

0:25:090:25:10

Um, pink collar, ginger cat?

0:25:100:25:12

Would you?

0:25:120:25:14

It's red, it's not pink.

0:25:140:25:16

-Would you, pink.

-It's red.

0:25:160:25:17

Oh, please it's pink.

0:25:170:25:18

It's red, shut your face.

0:25:180:25:20

Red and ginger, devil's finger.

0:25:220:25:26

-What?

-That's what they say. It's true.

0:25:260:25:29

-No-one says that.

-Who says that?

0:25:290:25:31

-No-one says that, Bob.

-They do.

0:25:310:25:33

-Is that what your mum used to say?

-And they're still saying it.

0:25:330:25:36

So what do you think, Lee? Is she telling the truth?

0:25:360:25:39

What do we think, Bob?

0:25:390:25:40

I'm saying it's a lie.

0:25:400:25:42

-You're saying it's a lie, David's saying it's...

-Possibly true.

0:25:420:25:46

-Well, I'll go lie.

-OK, you're saying lie. Sarah, truth or lie?

0:25:460:25:51

It is a...

0:25:510:25:53

lie.

0:25:530:25:54

Oh!

0:25:540:25:57

Yes, it's a lie, Sarah didn't put a cat-cam on her cat.

0:25:570:26:03

Next.

0:26:030:26:05

It's David Harewood.

0:26:050:26:07

I can balance a bank note on my nose.

0:26:090:26:13

When did you first find this out?

0:26:150:26:18

When I was about, um, 13.

0:26:180:26:20

Is it flat or is it sort of like that?

0:26:200:26:23

It's on its, kind of, on its...

0:26:230:26:26

-On its edge.

-Yes. And I would balance it on like that.

0:26:260:26:30

Straight up? Like that?

0:26:300:26:31

-Yes.

-On your nose?

-Kind of like that.

0:26:310:26:34

So the end of the note is along your nose there.

0:26:340:26:37

-Going upwards?

-Yes.

0:26:370:26:39

What's your technique for... cos I imagine the problem

0:26:390:26:42

with that is that the note would immediately fall off.

0:26:420:26:45

-Well, I kind of...

-What's your technique for preventing that?

0:26:450:26:48

Zen.

0:26:480:26:50

Is that a type of glue?

0:26:500:26:51

What do you think, David? Does this have the ring of truth for you?

0:26:530:26:56

I don't think it does.

0:26:560:26:58

I think it's an odd mixture of something that would be

0:26:580:27:01

impossible and not that impressive anyway.

0:27:010:27:05

So what do you think?

0:27:060:27:08

-I think we think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-Lie. We think it's a lie.

0:27:080:27:11

Three of you, all three of you think it's a lie. OK.

0:27:110:27:13

David Harewood, truth or lie?

0:27:130:27:16

It is...

0:27:160:27:18

true.

0:27:180:27:20

Whoa!

0:27:200:27:21

Yes, it's true.

0:27:250:27:27

Whoa.

0:27:300:27:32

You pulled that out at just the right time for us.

0:27:320:27:34

-Cheers, mate.

-I might have to... I have to stand up for this.

0:27:340:27:36

-All right, please do.

-Here we go.

0:27:360:27:39

Take your time, milk it.

0:27:390:27:41

Whoa.

0:27:470:27:50

APPLAUSE

0:27:500:27:51

-Very impressive! Yes, it's true.

-BUZZER

0:28:000:28:03

Oh, and that noise signals time is up - it's the end of the show

0:28:030:28:06

and I can tell you that Lee's team have triumphed

0:28:060:28:09

by three points to two.

0:28:090:28:11

SPEECHED COVERED BY APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:14

But, of course, it's not just a team game

0:28:160:28:19

and my individual liar of the week this week is Bob Mortimer.

0:28:190:28:24

APPLAUSE

0:28:240:28:25

Yes, Bob Mortimer if you were looking for an effortless liar

0:28:270:28:31

then Bob's your uncle. At least, he says he's your uncle -

0:28:310:28:34

he's probably lying about that, too. Good night.

0:28:340:28:37

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0:28:570:29:00

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