Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening.

And welcome back to a brand-new series of Would I Lie To You?

The show where economising with the truth pays dividends.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's as funny as he's tall

and tall as he's bald

and as bald as he's funny.

It is the funny, bald, tall Dara O'Briain.

CHEERING

And the only man lucky enough to see Tess daily,

from Splash and Family Fortunes,

TV presenter Vernon Kay.

CHEERING

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

an actress who starred in both A Midsummer Night's Dream and Strictly Come Dancing.

So, we've seen her Bottom and her cha-cha,

it's Denise van Outen.

CHEERING

Borderline, borderline.

Risky.

And a comedian who, on his show about work experience,

did a stint as a dustman.

Although, you don't really need training for that,

you just pick it up as you go along.

It's Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING

And so, to Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

So they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

Then it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

-Dara is first up. Dara, please reveal all.

-OK.

In nightclubs, in order to impress the ladies,

I used to break into my special catwalk move.

I hope this is true.

Lee's team?

You know we're going to ask you to demonstrate it.

Before you do, can we just clarify, you mean like a model

or were you on all fours and weeing?

And walking at the same time! No, like a model.

OK, could you demonstrate for us now?

-Well, no, that would be ridiculous.

-I know, that's why I'm asking!

Yeah. No, because if I showed you that I did a very good catwalk move

-then obviously I'm telling the truth.

-Not necessarily.

You could be lying but you are able to do it.

You could say, "When I used to go to nightclubs,

"I would stand on one leg" and if I said, "Demonstrate it,"

you'd go, "No, because that'll prove I can do it."

And I'd go, "No. It proves you can stand on one leg.

"It doesn't prove you used to do it in nightclubs."

So, I ask you again, get yourself on the floor and start walking.

-DENISE:

-We want to see it, don't we?

CHEERING

This move, this move is so good that if I were to show I could do it,

you'd be going, "Well, obviously you'd play that card in a nightclub."

DENISE: Just imagine we're in a nightclub now. Nightclub setting.

I'm single, I'm well up for it, I'm from Essex...

I'll take this.

Will you compromise, will you do the face?

Yeah, do you do a model face? Do you pout?

It was more about the swivel of the face than the face itself. The...

DENISE AND RHOD: The swivel of the face?

How do you swivel your face?

-It's very...

-I can swivel my face.

I mean, that's swivelling it, isn't it?

No. That's surely swivelling your head.

-That's bad...

-Your face swivels when you swivel your head.

-No, no, no.

The head's the thing your face is on!

Your head needs to stay still while the face moves if you're going to do it.

No, I don't... I think you can swivel things

with the use of things that the things are attached to.

I can move my eyes, seriously, right to the back of my head. Watch.

-There you go.

-No, wait, no!

No, no, never mind "No, no."

Yes, yes. Yes, yes!

Nobody said "Swivel your face in relation to other bits of your head."

I'm swivelling it in relation to the rest of the universe.

Dara, really, within the rules of the game,

I think it would be right for you to show us this move.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Dara, I'm going to help you, OK?

-No, no.

I'm going to help you. I'm going to give you a little bit of music

-so you've got something to work with.

-Oh, inspiration.

I don't know if we've got anything ready but hit it.

MUSIC: "Horny '98" by Mousse T.

Wait, wait, stop. Whoa, whoa, wait!

Wait. Oh, no, hold on.

This is the catwalk area here, right?

However, first the model walks out to the start of the walk, all right?

So, I'm slightly backstage here. I'm nervous, I'm ready to go, right?

This'll be the catwalk area here.

-When I hit the bend, watch for the swivel, right?

-Dara?

Dara, was this boring bit part of the chat-up?

Oh, man.

Did you have to explain it all before you did it?

About what she was about to see?

Did you have the confidence in a nightclub to go...

"Cut the music. I'm not ready! Cut the music.

"Everyone, stop having fun, I'm not ready!"

-OK, music.

-Yeah.

MUSIC: "Horny '98" by Mousse T.

No clapping, no clapping.

Oh, there you go!

Yes! Yes.

Now, I don't know about you,

but I found that very attractive.

-Did you see the swivel?

-That's really good.

-It's all in the swivel.

-That was nice, with the swivel.

The swivel of your head, rather than your face.

What you're asking for would require surgery.

That's what the woman used to say when he used to chat them up.

Lee, what's it going to be, truth or lie?

-What do we think?

-Well, I think...

Would that have done anything for you in a nightclub?

No, not really.

Ten years ago, with more hair, thinner, you know?

-DENISE:

-I'd have laughed.

I'm not at me fighting weight here, right?

Definitely wasn't the first time he's done that. He's pulled it off before.

He's definitely done that before.

-Do you think so?

-Too much confidence.

So we think it's the truth?

But he hasn't necessarily done it for the reasons he's saying.

-DENISE:

-Men are so indecisive. Let's go with the truth.

-I'm not sure about that.

-Let's go with the truth.

-So, Lee, what's it going to be? Come on.

-Shall we go for the truth?

-We'll go for the truth!

-Let's go for the truth.

Right, they're saying is the truth.

Dara O'Briain, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is...

true.

Yay!

Wowser. Come on!

Yes, it's true.

Dara used to break into a special catwalk move

to impress the ladies in nightclubs.

Right, Denise, you're next.

I once got a tattoo

because I was told that it would disappear after three years.

Really, when?

Erm...I...it was on a job that I was doing.

It was actually live on TV I was tattooed.

And it was on The Big Breakfast.

And who had told you that they'd disappear after three years?

Johnny Vaughan.

-So...

-Had you not previously heard of tattoos?

No, it was a new... They were a German company who came on the show.

And they claimed that they had this new ink that would fade after three years.

-And they did it live on The Big Breakfast?

-Yeah.

-DARA:

-So, can we see it?

No, because it's in a place where I don't really want to get it out.

-LEE:

-What do you mean?

-LEE:

-What part of the body?

-Where is it then?

It's just...erm...at the top of my bottom.

What is it, Denise?

What I had was... Barbara Windsor was on the show,

and you know she used to say, cos I love Carry On Camping,

and you know she used to say, "Well, you are saucy."

So I wanted to have "saucy" tattooed across there.

-RHOD: I've got a potato tattoo on my back.

-A potato?

-Have a look.

-Have a look.

-Denise won't show you, I don't mind if I get mine out.

-I might have to undo a button.

-Undo a button.

-I'll sort it out.

-All right.

What I'm doing is... I'm doing this,

but I'm imagining my face has swivelled that way.

Right, that...

I can confirm that is a potato.

VERNON: Are you sure that's a potato?

What? Why have you got that?

Rhod, if I were you...

Rhod, if I were you, I'd have that checked out.

Has it changed shape in the last few years?

-VERNON:

-Used to be a chip on his shoulder.

-LEE:

-There it is! Beautiful.

Do you know what, it was worth it, just for that.

So, Denise, you've already said - if this is true - that we can't see it.

I don't mind showing you.

Oh!

Maybe later!

-VERNON:

-Have you taken legal action against the people who promised you

it would be there for just three years?

No, cos I don't know who they are.

They didn't leave any forwarding details for me to get in touch in three years.

Anonymous German men turned up on The Big Breakfast...

But it was The Big Breakfast!

"We would like to maybe tattoo you in a secret place

"and do not ask any questions!"

So, David, what are you going to say? Is this the truth or has she made this all up?

I believe that you might have had a tattoo on television.

What I can't believe is that you'd think that a tattoo

wouldn't last for ever.

I think you'd go, "Well, fine, I'll have a tattoo."

But she'd been told by Germans that it would go.

The two greatest authorities, Germans and Johnny Vaughan.

What do you think, Dara?

No. There's certainly an emotional context

in which this could have happened.

I don't think anyone's mad enough to have fallen for that.

And it's a big risk on live television

to tattoo someone and then say,

"Oh, don't worry, it'll go in three years."

I think we think it's a lie, then.

-DARA:

-We think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie? All right.

Denise van Outen, were you telling the truth, then?

Or were you telling a lie?

What?!

I didn't think you were going to get away with that.

Wow!

Yeah, it's true.

Denise did get a tattoo because she was told it would disappear after three years.

-Now, you did say that I was the only one.

-Only you.

-Only me!

-Look away.

-Where will I see it?

-Look away.

No, seriously, don't look!

Have a drink, have a drink.

Have a drink, you'll be fine.

Yeah?

-It's fine!

-I need counselling.

Right, our next round is called This Is My...

Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest.

And it's up to Lee's team to sort out who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Mel.

So, Vernon, what is Mel to you?

This is Mel.

And he came to the rescue

when I almost blew up

a banana factory.

David, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Mel?

This is Mel. He's the postman who had to retrieve my phone

from a postbox when I accidentally posted it

instead of a letter I was carrying.

-Finally, Dara, how do you know Mel?

-This is Mel.

One night, we were out stargazing

and we were quizzed by the police

because they thought we were Peeping Toms.

Lee's team, where do you want to begin?

There's something about...

If he'd said he blew up a banana factory it would have been bizarre,

but there's something more bizarre about almost blowing up a banana factory.

-DENISE:

-What did you actually do in the banana factory?

Well, what happens in a banana factory,

-is that bananas come in from a foreign land.

-Yeah.

-Let's say the Caribbean.

-Yeah.

And they are ripened in Bolton.

They're ripened in Bolton?

There's not enough sun in the Caribbean?

-Did you work in this banana factory?

-I did, yeah.

What was your job?

-I...

-Were you the banana straightener?

-No.

Or were you the banana bender?

Maybe they come in straight

and it's his big muscly body that turns them into that shape.

That's what they do in Bolton!

"What are you up to?"

"Oh, you know, just usual, bending me bananas."

RHOD: Surely it's a banana ripening plant, anyway, not a factory?

Well, it's a factory because there was a conveyor belt so I just...

Wait, wait, there's a conveyor belt?

So someone puts it on and it's green

and by the end of the conveyor belt, it's ripened?

How big is this conveyor belt, Vernon?

And more to the point, what are you doing other than...

Shall I straighten it yet?

RHOD: What did Mel do?

Mel, he was one of the foremen.

-And you were...

-There were only four men working in a banana factory?!

How did you almost blow up this banana factory?

I was on a forklift truck and what happened was

I inadvertently drove into a gas heater

and disconnected it.

Right, and then what happens?

-And then the factory filled up with gas.

-Really properly fills?

Yeah, yeah.

-What did Mel do?

-So, what did Mel do? How did he save you?

Mel shut down the factory and evacuated the building.

Leaving the bananas to ripen themselves?

Now, what about David? What did we think of David's story with the postbox?

What were you supposed to be posting?

-I had a card and two normal letters to post.

-Right.

And the nearest postbox to me has a...

It's a very narrow aperture.

-So only...

-For the letters?

-Yes.

-I know the kind of thing.

-For whatever you want to use it for.

-We've got 'em, back home.

-Yeah.

And you can't get 'em in, sometimes.

You can't get the wider things in.

So you thought, "I'll just post whatever fits," and that was your phone?

-It...

-Stuff my keys in. Oh, they go in! The keys go in. Any change?

-I'll stuff that in.

-I was contemplating what an outdated medium snail mail was

and I thought, "This'll show 'em!"

No, I had...in my confusion, I thought, "Oh, that doesn't fit,

"I'll post those two, they fit." And, "Oh, what a fool...

"What a fool I've been! If only this were happening in a sitcom."

-The two letters and phone go in at the same time?

-Yeah.

So you're e-mailing it and putting in a hard copy at the same time.

-DENISE:

-So how did Mel come in to it? Was he in the area?

-LEE:

-How did...

Well, luckily,

Mel had also fallen in.

He just reached out and passed it out to you.

Yes, I mean, I hadn't realised that pillar boxes were manned until then.

He simply handed it back.

So, go on, what happened next?

I noticed that the last collection of the day

was happening about half an hour later.

So I thought, "I know what I'll do,

"I'll simply wait."

Fiendishly clever!

No, you didn't.

-So what are you thinking?

-No. Remind me again of your truth, lie, thing.

He and I, Mel and I, were stargazing and the police quizzed us

because they thought we were Peeping Toms.

-Was it just the two of you?

-Yes, it was, actually, yeah.

And what were you stargazing at?

We were looking at a meteor shower.

OK. So the two of you were out. What have you got? You've got the telescope...

-No, you don't.

-What have you got?

You just use binoculars.

-Binoculars?

-Binoculars?

The naked eye, generally, binoculars probably.

You don't use a telescope because they move quickly so you'd have to be really fast!

You'd be playing it like a tu... Like that.

Yeah, but if you want a really good look,

why don't you use two telescopes, like binoculars?

Cos that's even better than binoculars and also, if two things happen at once, you can go,

"And the moon's looking nice!"

DENISE: So, when the police turned up...

We could see the police car coming because it just drove along and then stopped

and two of the lads came and walked over to us.

Cos we were two men in the middle of Ealing Common,

there's houses all around,

-but with binoculars.

-But surely, you don't look...

You look like that, right up in the air?

I know but maybe they saw me during the midpoint of that. I don't know!

No, no, no! You don't go, "Let's start at the ground and go up!"

You go like that and you do that.

You don't go, "Would you like a cup of tea?

"But sorry, I can't see.

-"Everything's blurry."

-I don't...

-You can take them off.

RHOD: Nobody does this when they're using binoculars,

-"Right, head up and now, binoculars." They don't!

-They do!

They go, "Look at that, up there."

They don't go, "Have you seen the moon tonight?"

"Wait, wait, I need a bit of a run up."

Don't forget, Dara's face moves independently from his head.

That's true. Yes, he can swivel his face.

And look at the woman in the bathroom behind. It's true!

Right, Lee, we need an answer. Is Mel Vernon's banana hero,

David's postman pal

or Dara's saucy stargazer?

-What do you think?

-I think the difficult thing is Mel's got a tan.

But you can get a tan in all three of those jobs.

Well, he's going to the Caribbean a lot, to pick up bananas.

Stargazing, you can get a tan off that if you're out there long enough.

And a postman, outdoors all day.

You know that stargazing's done predominantly at night?

There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind

that Mel worked in a banana factory.

OK, you're saying banana man?

-DENISE:

-No, I definitely... If I saw Dara and Mel on Ealing Common,

I would think they were a couple of pervs.

But Dara could have said, "It's OK, I work in TV."

The police would go, "Well, that makes it impossible."

So what are you going to say?

We are going to state that in fact

Dara was cautioned by the police for standing on Ealing Common.

-Not necessarily for being a pervert.

-Cautioned? Cautioned actually means something, legally, by the way.

-Sorry, he wasn't cautioned.

-Questioned!

-Questioned.

-Questioned.

I was never formally cautioned with anything!

-You say it's Dara.

-Go for it.

So, Mel, would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm Mel, and I rescued Vernon after once nearly...

Yes, Mel is Vernon's banana boss.

So, how dangerous was this?

Were you just seconds away from bang?

BOLTON ACCENT: Virtually, yeah. Vernon's driving the forklift and, like he said...

Oh, why didn't you speak like this before?

We'd have known it was Vernon! Why isn't he allowed to speak?

-RHOD:

-I told you!

-And what was Vernon known as within this factory?

-Little Vern.

-Little Vern?

-Little Vern.

-Aw!

Stand up next to Mel, Vernon, and let's see Little Vern now.

Mel, thank you very much indeed.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,

in which our panellists lie, not only through their teeth, but against the clock.

We will start with...

It's David.

One of the codes I live my life by...

Always a good start!

..is that my appearance should be in no way noteworthy.

But then again, not so unnoteworthy as to be, in itself, noteworthy.

-What do you think?

-Well, if it is true, you're certainly carrying it off.

When did you decide on this code?

It didn't happen suddenly.

-It just, you know...

-Sort of developed?

The way I felt comfortable being

sort of gradually formed into the philosophy,

and I don't think that's too grandiose a term,

that I have read off a card for you today.

I would say, since you've got a beard,

you have become more noteworthy.

The answer to that is that I've enjoyed growing a beard

but you're right, because I've grown a beard, some people have said,

"I see you've grown a beard," or, "He's got a beard,"

-and I hate those moments.

-Can I just pick you up on the point...

I deeply hate those moments of being physically noticed.

Have you really enjoyed growing a beard?

well, that's what's so odd.

I mean, I haven't like hugely enjoyed it.

It's not been like a brilliant roller coaster.

But it's just very, very slightly I've enjoyed it.

And very slightly also, I've had a sense of achievement.

Of course, it is no achievement.

It's actually a failure in personal hygiene.

But it feels like an achievement.

But you surely went through the difficult itchy stage.

-I did go through it.

-No-one enjoys that.

I call them my teens.

Do you make these rules about everything?

Are the underpants you're wearing unnoteworthy enough to be...

You know what I'm saying. Are they?

-I don't think...

-Sorry, let's start again,

-are you wearing underwear?

-Yes.

-OK.

-And I don't want to sound too sexy, but yes.

I don't want to sound too sexy, but no.

Under my underwear, I'm naked.

I want to know, not what you consider noteworthy,

but what you consider so unnoteworthy that it becomes noteworthy.

A grey tie.

If you were in a suit, like you're in a suit-wearing scenario,

and you wore a grey tie,

that would be so unnoteworthy as to be, in itself, noteworthy.

So a grey tie...

It could be so colourless, so "not wanting to draw the eye", it would draw the eye.

It's how you spot spies, isn't it?

People who are just trying to blend in so much

-they've blended in so much, they're noticeable.

-It's true.

Like a chameleon.

If there was a chameleon in here, it would stand out.

I'll tell you what, if there was a comedian in here, it'd stand out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A worrying round of applause on the subject of our comedy.

Is it true or is it a lie? Make your decision.

I think it's true. I think it's very plausible that David would be like that, yeah.

-Yeah, I think it's true.

-I'll go with my team and say true.

All saying true. David, truth or lie?

Yes, well, of course it's true.

Yes, it's true.

One of the codes David lives his life by

is that his appearance should be in no way noteworthy.

Next...

..it's Rhod.

I once dug up my dead hamster...

..and gave it a wash.

What age were you when you bought it?

And what age were you when it bought it?!

Oh, God, I...

When I bought it, I must have been 25.

-25? Sorry?

-What?

-No?

-25?

-Six!

-Six!

-I must say, I was thinking it would have been during your childhood.

I don't know exactly, I did not record my age.

-DARA:

-OK, we're not splitting hairs between 23 and 24 here.

-Mid-twenties.

You weren't nine is what we were basically getting at.

No, I tell you what, maths really is your strong point.

No, the point is, who in their 20s buys a hamster?

-LEE:

-I like the fact that it doesn't seem unusual that he dug it up

and washed it, that's all right.

"You had a hamster in your mid-20s?"

Surely that's not the bit you should be focused on!

-Did the hamster have a name?

-Yes, his name was...

..Ianto.

-How's that spelt?

-I-A-N-T-O, I think.

To be honest, I never had cause to write the name down.

You don't have to worry about the spelling of any pets really, do you?

I think there are times when you have to write...

You might be writing an e-mail. with news, to a loved one.

-"By the way, Ianto's looking peaky."

-You're quite right, I did once...

-DARA:

-Did you not put a little tombstone?

Thus making it easy for you later to dig him up and wash him.

He did have a tombstone, yeah, of sorts.

And did it not have Ianto written on the tombstone?

Tragically, there was already something written on his tombstone.

What was written on it?

It was a lollipop stick.

-LEE:

-It had a joke on it?!

-Your hamster dies and you buried it where?

-In the garden.

How long was it under the earth before you dug it up?

-Was it, sort of, months later?

-No, probably a day or two.

Was it in a container? A sort of hamster coffin?

-It was in a container, yeah.

-What was the container?

It was in a...

A smoothie bottle.

A smoothie bottle?

He was in a smoothie bottle?

How did you get the hamster into the smoothie bottle?

With the lolly stick!

No, no, I took the top off and just pushed him in.

You sort of forced him in? Because I imagine...

I had to. He was dead. I tried persuading him but it didn't work.

-DENISE:

-And then, how would you get the hamster out to wash it?

Or did you put the water in the bottle, put the lid back on,

give it a shake and then take the lid off and then...?

You wouldn't want to put water in.

You'd want to put lots of fizzy drink in,

shake it up and...he's out!

He is blown out like that. And then you go...and catch him.

The thing that we haven't established in all of this

is why you felt you had to clean him.

Because he, well he had, like, a strawberry Mohican.

-It had gone stiff.

-There was still strawberry stuff in there?

Yeah, I hadn't rinsed it out properly.

-And you were racked with guilt?

-Yep.

Oh, wow.

Can you describe the...the washing?

If I'm honest, the washing of him doesn't stand out that much.

It was a fairly straightforward rinse and blow-dry, as I remember.

In the...

-A blow-dry? Come on! You didn't blow-dry him.

-In the kitchen sink?

"Been anywhere nice on your holidays?

"Do want a cup of tea or anything?"

Did you run the hamster under the kitchen tap?

I washed as much of that strawberry smoothie

out of his sticky, brittle hair

as I could...

..said our goodbyes and buried him in the garden.

So did you feel like you'd done the right thing?

Yeah, definitely, yeah. Thanks, Rob. I did, yeah.

That's good. That's good to know.

-Do you think he's telling the truth?

-I don't.

-No.

-VERNON:

-Maybe a quick flick under the tap

but I don't think he'd spend time scrubbing down the hamster.

-So you're saying lie?

-We're saying it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Rhod, the hamster, the burial, the resurrection,

is it the truth or were you telling a lie?

Obviously,

it's true.

Well, it's... It's true.

And it's very upsetting.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that

Lee's team have won by four points to one.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING

But it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week, this week,

is Dara O'Briain.

Yes, Dara is so good at lying,

even Lance Armstrong thinks he should ease up. Goodnight!

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