Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening,

and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show which delights in dishonesty,

and on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a man whose sole purpose in life

is to make ordinary women look beautiful.

He's the fashion equivalent of eight pints of lager, it's Gok Wan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a man who, frankly, needs no introduction,

so instead, let's spend the time delighting in his famous face.

From Game Of Thrones, Charles Dance!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team tonight,

a comic most famous for her role as Dobby on Peep Show,

alongside the supremely talented Robert Webb,

and some other bloke I can't remember the name of.

It's Isy Suttie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an actor who recently started in Episodes

and is soon to be the voice of Postman Pat.

I don't know where he finds the time.

Presumably he gets up early in the morning just as day is dawning.

Stephen Mangan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so to round one, Home Truths,

where are panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they have no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Stephen is first up. Off you go.

Whenever I eat beans on toast,

I always imagine I'm a rescue helicopter,

and with every forkful,

I'm airlifting tiny bald men on a raft to safety.

LAUGHTER

Lee. What do you think?

-How long have you done this for?

-Since I was about eight.

-Right.

Any reason you do this apart from just keeping yourself amused?

My auntie Bridget, who used to live with us...

Is this going to be a tragic story? "She's bald, she was on a raft...

"She never survived and it's our way of remembering her."

She was on a raft with 400 bald men...

-who needed rescuing.

-We all know your auntie!

LAUGHTER

-You say "raft", you mean "mattress".

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Oh. I hope she's not watching.

-She's busy, don't worry.

LAUGHTER

My auntie Bridget used to live in our house

and she would often have to look after us if our parents were out.

You know, I wasn't a good eater. I was a very skinny kid,

and she used to try all sorts of stuff,

and this is one technique. She used to do other things as well.

Like what? What else would she do?

LAUGHTER

Spaghetti was, you were trying to, you know, you were throwing a line,

a rope to rescue people at the bottom of a pit. Fishfingers were coaches.

-Fishfingers were what?!

-They were coaches on the motorway.

"Here comes the coach, chop it in half."

She's quite funny, my auntie Bridget. She's quite odd.

Do you think the bald men in question

that were going to die on the raft

felt glad that they'd ended in a more comfortable position

of going down your throat into your stomach?

Did you feel that was a safer place for them?

That was the helicopter they were coming into.

-Your mouth was the helicopter.

-My mouth is the helicopter.

That's a raft going down, that's the raft.

The raft is, they're sitting on the fork, which is a raft.

-No, no, the raft is the toast, surely.

-The toast is the raft.

-I don't know.

-What's the toast?

-The toast is the boat they were in.

It's now covered in... Why would they be on a raft?

If they're on a raft, they're already rescued. They're already OK.

But helicopters don't lower down rafts.

Oh, thanks, well, you just ruined an entire lifetime story for me.

Another man comes attached to the rope

and he picks up each individual bald man on the raft. I've seen it.

Every time I've seen loads of bald men dying at sea,

a man comes out of the helicopter and individually picks them up.

If you'd have done your back story and were a proper actor,

you would know that you're supposed to be taking one bean...

That's what Charles Dance would've done. Cos he does his research!

That's why he's not going to be the voice of Postman Pat!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So what do you think?

-What do we think?

Are we buying this story?

-Reluctantly, I think I am buying this story.

-Really?

You think it might be true?

I do actually think it sounds quite realistic.

I think, in a child's brain, you might make up all of these scenarios.

I don't think he was eating the beans.

I mean, look at his hair, he was only eating the crust of that toast.

LAUGHTER

-We think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

Charles says it's true.

-Oh, go on, then. We'll say it's true.

-You're saying it's true.

Stephen Mangan, truth or lie?

-It is in fact a lie.

-Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

When eating beans on toast,

Stephen doesn't imagine he's a rescue helicopter

airlifting tiny bald men to safety.

Charles, you're next.

CHARLES CLEARS THROAT

A little chimpanzee once came to my house for tea.

LAUGHTER

-David's team, what do you think?

-A little chimpanzee.

-How little?

Tiny chimp, about this height.

And did it come alone?

It preceded an expected guest.

-Was that a gorilla?

-LAUGHTER

-ISY:

-What did it eat?

Well, we tried Marmite,

because it was a Sunday afternoon

and we were having tea and Marmite toast,

that's what my kids liked.

But it turned its nose up at that,

so we gave it cheese and tomato sandwiches,

and she opened them up

and took the inside and seemed to be quite happy with that.

Probably on a no-carbs diet.

LAUGHTER

-What's a chimpanzee doing...

-Good question.

..coming round to your house for tea?

She was with the friend who was expected,

and the friend who was expected was running late

and she sent the chimpanzee on ahead.

LAUGHTER

So, did the chimpanzee ring the doorbell or knock on the door?

-Knocked on the door.

-And you answer the door and there is...

I went to the door and my wife said, "Who's that?",

and I said, "It's a chimpanzee."

LAUGHTER

She said, "What does it want?"

LAUGHTER

And the chimpanzee was doing this.

And I said, "I think it wants tea."

She said, "Well, ask it in."

LAUGHTER

-How did the chimpanzee get to your house?

-Ordered a taxi.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not a courageous man.

If I was answering the door and I saw a chimpanzee,

I wouldn't invite it in for tea.

I'd be afraid.

I'm not keen on wasps,

and they're much, much smaller than chimpanzees.

Who was the friend? Was it Michael Jackson?

I mean, who... Who were you receiving?

It was a lady that I had worked with

quite some time before this afternoon.

Why did she have a monkey?

Because she had very few friends.

LAUGHTER

All right, David, what are you thinking? This sounds peculiar.

I think it's true. At the moment, I think it's true. What do you think?

I don't know. I want to know why she would send it first.

A sense of fun, surely, as a bit of a joke.

"Go up there, knock on his door, it'll be amusing."

-What do you think?

-What do I think?

I think Charles Dance, a chimp and a cheese sandwich, it's true.

LAUGHTER

-I think we're going to go true.

-You're going to say true. OK.

Charles Dance, your chimp story,

were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

I'm sorry to say that it's true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

A little chimpanzee once went to Charles's house for tea.

Gok, you're next.

Right. OK.

Every Sunday, I spend four hours

planning the 20 outfits I'll wear the coming week.

-David's team.

-Do you lay them out or do you just picture them?

I rack them.

So in my bedroom, I've had some special bars put up...

-Oh, yeah, I remember those.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

He has, I can vouch for this.

LAUGHTER

So I have one which is about five foot eight,

and then I have another one which is about four foot high,

so when you put a pair of trousers on or a jacket or a top,

it then looks like you.

Occasionally, if I'm very busy, I photograph them...

-I remember that bit too.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Explain why you need 20 outfits, cos I'm thinking...

I mean, I'm a tremendous slovenly slut.

It feels like you're phoning Babestation

and someone else has picked up.

LAUGHTER

"Sorry, can I speak to Sheila, the regular one?"

I often wear the same outfit in the afternoon as in the morning.

I could be filming a series,

and then I might be filming three different shows in one day,

so I'll need three different outfits

to represent three different episodes.

I might be going out for lunch

and then I'll be doing something in the afternoon,

so I'll get changed from my lunch outfit,

cos I don't want to be too dressed up to walk the dog,

and it's also done by a weather report as well.

-STEPHEN:

-What?

The Met Office are fools! They get things wrong.

Do you go through with your goulashes in bright sunshine

on a Friday evening?

You're presenting yourself as somebody who plans things

very carefully, thinks things through carefully,

but your very active planning is in itself badly thought through.

Because on a Monday, you only planned it the day before,

you've got a good sense of what the weather's going to be like,

your plans for the day are probably better formed.

On Mondays, that's absolutely fine.

"I know what I need in the morning, the afternoon

"and outfits three and four".

But come Friday, the weather's all to cock, the dog has died,

you've dropped two scenes you're supposed to film on the Wednesday,

you've got to fit them in on the Friday...

But I've taken photographs,

so even if I've planned a Thursday PM outfit

and I decide I don't want to wear it, I flick through my phone

and I might want to choose a Saturday PM outfit.

Lee, how long do you spend on a Sunday

getting your outfits ready for the week?

What I do is I look at the seven or eight,

maybe sometimes nine dirty underpants in the bag,

I work out exactly, I spread them out on the bed, I look at them

and I think, "Which can take a fourth trip down?"

David, I'm curious to put the same question to you.

Sunday night comes around, you've had a smashing day,

Countryfile has finished and now you're thinking...

You're thinking, "I've got to plan ahead."

How much time and thought goes into it for you?

Well, I always wear basically the same thing every day, so none.

-You're like Batman in that respect, aren't you?

-Yes.

I see myself as a superhero and I have basically one outfit.

-You know...

-What's your superpower?

The ability to decide what to wear very quickly.

LAUGHTER

-What are you thinking, David?

-I think it sounds very plausible.

-It does sound plausible, but is it TOO plausible?

-I think it's true.

David's team thinks it's true.

Gok, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

I...

Are you trying to work out what to wear?

LAUGHTER

I...

..was telling the truth.

APPLAUSE

-DAVID:

-Great!

Isy, you're next.

Because my mum deemed Scooby-Doo too scary to watch,

I was only ever allowed to listen to it.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team, what do you make of that?

How would you do that? Would you have to be in another room or...

I was allowed to be in the room where the TV was.

I had to wear a blindfold.

-Oh, come on!

-LAUGHTER

It was a tea towel, but, you know, I was small so I had a small head.

It went round my head.

So she tied the tea towel around your eyes,

in what can only be described as a hostage situation,

and then she left you in the room?

She stayed in the room to make sure that I didn't take it off.

-Why didn't she say, "Close your eyes and make sure you don't open them?".

-I think she just wanted to be sure

-that I wouldn't be able to...

-Peep.

Yeah, because she would sit next to me,

but she wanted to watch it, it was one of her favourite programmes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's focus on that bit for a moment.

Your mum's favourite programme was Scooby-Doo?

-Yeah, amongst other things.

-What other things?

-Amongst the news.

She obviously wasn't quite sure what kind of person she was.

"What kind of stuff do you like?"

"Oh, you know, the news, Scooby-Doo, that sort of thing."

LAUGHTER

-Anything else?

-Gladiators.

LAUGHTER

Would she do that thing they do for...

You know, the audio description?

Would she say, "And now Scooby-Doo is running away"?

LAUGHTER

Cos it's quite a hard show to follow audibly.

HE GROWLS

HE GROWLS

You have to rely on seeing it, don't you?

In the words of Rob Brydon, "I'm doing Scooby-Doo".

"I'm doing Scooby-Doo."

I think...

I think what you were trying to do was...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Here we go.

-HE IMPERSONATING SCOOBY-DOO:

-Rooby roo!

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.

Seven series in and he can't let me have one moment.

LAUGHTER

OK, so you're blindfold in the living room, and how old are you?

It stopped when I was about 16 and just...

16?!

So at 16 your mum would tie a tea towel round your head

when Scooby-Doo was on?

Yeah, but by then we just liked the ritual of it.

Oh, it's a ritual now?

LAUGHTER

Were you ever tempted to phone ChildLine?

Couldn't find the phone, could you?

LAUGHTER

What about Scrappy-Doo?

If Scooby-Doo was a bit heavy

and some of the issues were a little bit difficult to deal with,

Scrappy-Doo was a lot more accessible, wasn't it?

-How did she feel about that?

-Is that a kind of spin off?

Is that a kind of spin off?! It's Scrappy-Doo!

Look what you've done to my voice!

It's Scrappy-Doo, it's the little version of...

There's no point saying "little". She couldn't see it!

It was a smaller dog.

HE GIGGLES LIKE SCRAPPY-DOO

If you can't see it, that could be a Great Dane on helium.

She doesn't know the size.

In fact, it was a Great Dane, wasn't it, Scooby-Doo?

I don't know, I never saw Scooby-Doo.

Marmaduke is a Great Dane.

Are you my dad, Charles?

LAUGHTER

-Did you ask me if I was your father?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Who's your mother?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So what are you thinking - truth or lie?

-I think she's lying.

-You think she's lying?

-I think she's lying.

-I think she's lying.

Well then, I must go with my team and say she's lying.

OK, Isy, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Isy wasn't only allowed to listen to Scooby Doo

because her mum deemed it too scary to watch.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Hannah.

APPLAUSE

So, Stephen, first of all, please.

What is Hannah to you?

Yes, this is Hannah.

We used to bamboozle our miserable neighbour

by adding an item of clothing to his washing line

after he'd pegged his laundry out.

LAUGHTER

Isy, how do you know Hannah?

This is Hannah.

In order to impress a boy,

we once competed to see who could eat the most ants.

LAUGHTER

-Finally, David, your relationship with Hannah?

-This is Hannah.

Last year she bought a pub and named it The Mitchell And Glove

and I gave her my blessing to use my face on the pub sign.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team, where to begin?

Why is The Mitchell And... Where does the Glove come into this?

I think it was originally called The Boxers.

As in the dog or the fighters?

As in the gloved fighters.

Well, it's an obvious progression, isn't it? Boxing - David Mitchell.

LAUGHTER

I think she was keen to change the image of the pub.

Do you know why Hannah chose you?

I think, if you can believe it, she's a fan of my work.

-Right, OK, so she's a fan.

-It's a lie, move on.

LAUGHTER

-Have you been to The Mitchell And Glove?

-No.

Where is this pub, David? Which part of the country?

-It's in Swansea.

-Swansea?!

LAUGHTER

Cos I don't believe David.

I can imagine his mind going, "I've to think of something quick."

Even then, he's thinking of middle-class things.

"Swan, Swansea."

LAUGHTER

-Is it themed inside?

-I will be very hurt if I'm not on all the menus.

-It's a gastro pub, is it?

-Not in Swansea, no.

LAUGHTER

I believe what it is is a flat-roofed pub.

One of the reasons I think it's named after me is that I wrote in my book

that I had a theory that flat-roofed pubs are always bad.

You never get nice food in a flat-roof pub.

You might get eaten by a dog.

Hannah said, this will be a nice flat-roofed pub that does nice food.

By which I don't mean a carvery.

-You don't like carveries?

-No.

LAUGHTER

What about Stephen Mangan's? What was yours again, Steve?

We used to befuddle, well, annoy our miserable neighbour

by putting items of clothing on his washing line

after he'd pegged his laundry out.

-Where was this?

-Crouch End.

-When was it?

-Oh, 15 years ago, probably.

What is your relationship with Hannah?

-Hannah is my mate James' younger sister.

-Was she living with you?

There were three of us in the house.

What kind of thing did you used to put on there? Just shirts?

It started one day.

He came round and complained and we were sitting up in her bedroom

looking out of the window and he put his washing out,

and I said, "I'm going to put a sock on his washing line."

He liked everything to be very precise

and he'd come in and we'd watch him every day, fold it,

he'd put all the socks together and put them in the washing,

rather than just chucking it all in.

Sorry, the person next to you is thinking, "What's wrong with that?"

LAUGHTER

So we put a blue sock on and then he came out

and put all his washing away hours later.

He was like, and it was very funny. It doesn't sound funny now.

In total, how much did you put on?

It went on for about six months.

We'd go to charity shops to buy stuff to put on his washing line.

I know Gok's going to ask it, so I'll ask it for him.

On a Sunday, did you lay out clothes?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Isy, you're saying, with Hannah,

you both went out together pulling

and to attract some guys you ate ants?

We weren't out. We were at school.

-How old were you?

-About 15 or 16.

Would you mind standing next to Hannah so I can work out the visual

to see whether you look like you should be at school together?

-Yep.

-I think you're mixing up age and height.

They're completely different things.

-Trust me, I'm a stylist.

-Oh, here we go.

Before you know it, they'll be naked.

LAUGHTER

OK, similar age. It could work.

-So you were at school?

-Yeah.

-There's a boy there that you like?

-Yeah, and he was called Paul Brooks.

-Paul Brooks.

And you thought the best way to impress Paul is to eat some ants?

It was during a school production.

So we were in Grease.

What?

-Grease, the musical.

-Right.

I thought you were saying,

"We were in Greece and you know what the economy's like there.

"It's all we could eat!"

How many did you eat in total?

I ate about 24.

-No way! 24?

-Yeah.

-How many did Hannah eat?

-About 23.

Loser.

And that's why you got Paul Brooks?

Did you get Paul Brooks?

No, he just stood there the whole time...

And thought, she's stupid and walked off.

He just sat there chewing on his cockroach going,

"This is so last year!" LAUGHTER

What made you stop at 24 then?

Surely you could tell by his eyes, after two or three,

that this wasn't working.

We just carried on and then the interval was over

and we had to go and do the second half of Grease.

-This was during the show?

-Yeah.

-During the show?

-Tell me more, tell me more.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, we need an answer here.

So, Lee's team, is Hannah Stephen's washing-line prankster,

Isy's fellow ant-eater,

or David's pub landlady?

What do you think?

-We can rule out the strange theme pub?

-Oh, thanks!

What is it about my face smiling politely next to a boxing glove

that makes you think people won't want to get drunk?

LAUGHTER

I think Stephen is telling the truth?

You think Stephen's telling the truth. Charles?

-I think he is probably is, actually.

-You think it's Stephen?

-Yeah.

I think it's Isy, but I will go with the majority.

Then I've got someone to blame.

OK, so, Hannah, would you please reveal your true identity.

My name is Hannah, and in order to impress a boy,

Isy and I once competed to see who could eat the most ants.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Hannah.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth

but also the clock.

We will start with Lee.

When I was seven, I had to be a bridesmaid at my auntie's wedding...

LAUGHTER

When I was seven, I had to be a bridesmaid at my auntie's wedding

as one of the girls who was supposed to do it was ill

and the dress was a perfect fit.

LAUGHTER

What did the dress look like?

I'd describe the colour as traumatic.

LAUGHTER

Why did they have to have a bridesmaid?

Why couldn't they say, "She's not well, let's move on?"

I think you are mixing me up with admin.

LAUGHTER

If someone says to me, "Put the dress on", I put it on.

You know that, don't you?

I do as I'm told.

So you didn't display any reluctance to put the dress on?

I may have said, you know,

"Mother, father, I'm a seven-year-old boy,

"despite the fact that I am two years younger-looking

"and slightly androgynous, but please

"give me some dignity."

My father turned round to me and said, "Son, when I was your age..."

He had a pipe. "When I was your age,

"my father asked me to put a dress on

"and I put it on, and his father before him,

"and his father before him.

"You'll put the dress on and you'll smile."

LAUGHTER

Was there a pageboy as well as bridesmaids at this wedding?

I was a pageboy once.

If another boy had dressed up as a girl

-I would have felt it was fair game to persecute him?

-True.

But luckily, the pageboy came up to me, little Sharon, and he said,

"Tell me about it, you think you've had a rough day.

"You know what I mean? I'm a 24-year-old."

-How much notice did you get?

-Pardon?

-How much notice did you get?

-From memory, quite a few people went, "Ah."

-No, no you idiot!

-How many warning? How far in advance?

-Oh!

I genuinely thought you meant noticed.

How much notice did you get?

That was a genuine one.

Oh, everyone thought I was adorable!

LAUGHTER

Everyone was looking.

I was nervous at first, but then I felt like a princess!

LAUGHTER

Oh, I see. How much in advance did they tell me?

-How much notice?

-How much notice did I get?

That would be embarrassing if this was on television, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

I got... I think I got like, I don't know, five hours or something.

She was ill at the last minute.

I just think you would have absolutely refused at that age.

Listen, I said, "Dad, I don't want to do it."

He went, "Listen, I'm not your dad, I'm your mother."

LAUGHTER

"And I'm sick of you constantly calling me Dad.

"The other one, that's your dad."

How long did you have to keep the dress on?

At what point in the proceedings...

I mean, did you have to wear it right through to the disco?

My dad said, "You'll keep it on till the music starts."

HE SINGS "THE STRIPPER"

Because unfortunately the cabaret act had cancelled because of illness.

What are you thinking, David? Does that sound at all plausible to you?

-What do you think, Isy?

-I really want it to be true.

Then say true.

I actually think it could genuinely be

the biggest load of drivel I've ever heard. It can't be true.

-I don't think it's true. Lie?

-Yeah.

Conclusively, it's a lie.

Lee, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

They wanted it to be true, didn't they?

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee wasn't a bridesmaid at his auntie's wedding.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.

I can reveal David's team has romped home by five points to one.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is Stephen Mangan.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Yes. Stephen Mangan.

Today is hardly a surprising victory

as, when it comes to lying through his teeth,

Stephen has more to work with than most. Good night.

APPLAUSE