Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show packed

with fantastical facts and legendary lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who recently shared

a West End stage with Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton,

which just goes to show that theatre security ain't what it used to be.

It's Jason Manford.

APPLAUSE

And a journalist and broadcaster who has written five books,

which interestingly is just three more than Lee Mack has read.

It's Joan Bakewell.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, an actor who starred as an Ewok in Star Wars,

a role he wasn't very happy with as wanted to be Yoda, he did.

Warwick Davis.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And a man who spends his life sniffing tarts

and poking his finger into muffins...

LAUGHTER

From The Great British Bake Off, Paul Hollywood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round 1, it's Home Truths, where

our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction

and, Warwick, we're going to start with you tonight.

When I got my first car, my friend and I would pretend to be cops,

park up, eat burgers and tail cars we'd picked out of the traffic.

David's team.

How old were you at the time?

Well, I would have just passed my test, so 17.

What was your first car?

It was a Mini.

LAUGHTER

Could you indicate how you pretended to be cops?

We used to watch a lot of American films where cops normally

sat in the car eating doughnuts and drinking coffee

and then they'd see somebody go by who might be a criminal

and then they'd sort of throw the food and speed off.

LAUGHTER

So that's what we were doing in essence, that sort of.

-So you were American cops?

-Yeah.

And what were you eating?

Um, just normally a burger and some chips.

And how far would you let yourself get through the burger

before you'd decide someone was a criminal and you'd throw it away?

Well, we let fate decide really because we, we would say,

"The next green car that goes by, that's going to be the criminal."

How do you know how the police operate?

LAUGHTER

What happened when you caught up with them?

Well, we also set a rule that we'd follow them

all the way to where they were going.

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

It's starting to sound a bit sinister now.

This is the strange part.

And when they arrived then we would just carry on,

we wouldn't confront them or anything.

-And how far was the furthest you went, in pursuit?

-Um.

Bulgaria.

LAUGHTER

That was a really crap weekend, wasn't it?

"They're never going to stop!"

The bloke in the front's going,

"Don't stop - there's a bloke following us.

"I don't know, Bulgaria, just keep going."

How far was the furthest you went, like, more than a mile, two miles?

Oh, more than that, but we'd never go out of the county. We lived in Surrey.

Cos you had no jurisdiction!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you exceed the speed limit?

Uh, well, if they did we would then lose them

cos we didn't have authority to speed.

LAUGHTER

What did you think they were guilty of? What were their crimes?

Why were you after them?

Just because we'd been told to.

-Who was telling you?

-Bring him in.

Did you have little radios?

"All units, we're looking for a green Ford Cortina,

"registration Alpha, Papa, Papa, Alpha."

Didn't know Alan Bennett was a policeman!

LAUGHTER

Here we go. He said um, he said...

-IMITATING ALAN BENNETT:

-"We're looking for a car, it's just escaped.

LAUGHTER

"If anybody happens to see it, do take chase but don't get too close."

David, I'm holding you responsible for that one.

I thought he'd already done it.

LAUGHTER

-So what do you think, David?

-Yeah, I think it might be real.

-I think he would.

-It might be true.

-He had a bit of fun.

-Well, I think we think it's true then.

-Yeah.

-You're going to say true?

-Yeah.

-Warwick Davis, truth or lie?

It is the truth.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

When Warwick got his first car, he and a friend would pretend to

be cops, park up, eat burgers

and tail cars they'd picked out of the traffic.

Next up, it's Jason.

I was gutted when I first saw Rob Brydon's "small man in a box" routine,

as for years I'd been entertaining my pals

with my own "man trapped in my mouth".

LAUGHTER

Well, first of all "small man in a box" is a silly little thing

I do that nonetheless shows great talent, and it's this.

-USING A FAINT VOICE:

-Where are you? I don't know where you are. Somebody get me out of here.

Thank you, now.

APPLAUSE

OK, can we, can we hear the man trapped?

Well, I'd rather not because...

-You can't do it.

-Because...

-LAUGHTER

What it is, is like I never thought about doing it as part

of my act or anything like that but, you know, it's like anything

that's really, you know, that you think, "that's good",

-and then you see someone else do it properly and well, you know, like Rob.

-Yeah.

And I thought, I can't do that now cos it's been done.

-Mine's amateur in, in...

-We'll take an amateur version, won't we? We won't...

-Yeah, yeah.

We'll take, we'll take any old rubbish you've got.

I'd be em, I'd be em, I'd be embarrassed to do it on.

-That's why we want you to do it.

-On BBC One.

I think the only way we can really get a grip on this is

if you were to give us a little something of it.

Yeah, you've got to give us a sample.

LAUGHTER

-Let's have some water. You know what it's like, Rob.

-Careful, he'll drown.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Just warm, just warming up. Just putting, just putting him in.

The part of the trick.

-Oh, you pretend to put him in, do you?

-Yeah.

Can I just say before you do it, that's a nice detail that you

might want to consider.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, enough prevaricating.

All right. OK.

I wonder what you're going to do.

LAUGHTER

-HE SQUEALS:

-Help, get me out. I can't get out.

I'm stuck in his mouth, I can't get out!

APPLAUSE

Why don't I see if I can coax my little man in a box

to have a little chat to the man who you've got stuck in your mouth?

Here we go.

The old Rob Brydon chat up line.

LAUGHTER

Here it comes, ready?

-IN A FAINT VOICE:

-How are you feeling today?

-SQUEALING:

-Um.

LAUGHTER

Do you think it's possible that Jason might have been

lying in what he's been saying?

I don't know, cos he could be, he could be better at it than he's making out.

-No, I'll be honest with you. That's the best I've ever done it.

-LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what we'll do, just one last little try, just the best it can be for us.

-SQUEALING:

-I'm stuck in his mouth, I can't get out, help me.

I can't get out!

-USING NORMAL VOICE:

-He's panicking now. He's panicking!

APPLAUSE

So what do you think then, Lee?

Warwick?

Well, at first I thought he was lying

but I'm tending to think now that he may well have done this.

-Paul?

-No, I think it's a lie.

I think he's actually practised as he's been doing it.

You think he's learnt that talent in the last five minutes?

I think that talent has really come to the fore in the last five minutes.

You think it's a lie, Warwick thinks it's true.

I think it's...true, because he did it well.

-You think it's true?

-I think it's true because he did it well.

-All right, you're saying true.

-Well enough.

OK, so Jason.

Yeah.

Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

It was...

-True.

-Ah. Good start, good start, Warwick.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Jason was gutted

when he first saw my small man in a box routine because he'd been

entertaining his mates with his man trapped in his mouth.

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on a mystery

guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Neil.

APPLAUSE

So, Warwick, what is Neil to you?

Well, this is Neil and he paid me to jump out of a tree in the park

and propose to his girlfriend whilst dressed as an Ewok.

LAUGHTER

Paul, how do you know Neil?

This is Neil, he's my neighbour and when he goes on holiday

I look after his parrot and take it out in the cage for a walk.

LAUGHTER

And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Neil?

This is Neil,

and to prove my manhood I once assaulted a Womble in front of him.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it.

Warwick's park proposer,

Paul's parrot-walking neighbour or Lee's Womble witness.

David, where do you want to begin?

Where to begin.

Yes, so Warwick.

Yes.

Clarify exactly the transaction that you underwent with Neil.

He paid me to dress as an Ewok and propose to his girlfriend.

So, but if YOU proposed to his girlfriend you then might

have to marry his girlfriend. LAUGHTER

No, it was on his behalf, I mean

himself and his girlfriend were huge Star Wars fans.

So you have got the costume at home just all the time.

Well, I was given one after working on the film.

-Oh, they give you one.

-You want to get that on eBay.

Then you wouldn't have to jump out of trees and propose to people.

LAUGHTER

You're obviously a successful actor. You know obviously

been in Star Wars and you must have been doing better than having to

pick these little jobs like this up.

-Well, yeah, but I mean...

-He's here, isn't he?

LAUGHTER

There are sort of ups and downs in any actor's career.

I'll say it again, he's here, isn't he?

LAUGHTER

What was your line, what did you have to say?

Well, I hopped out of the tree and I went, "Yup yup," which is

Ewok language for "yippee".

LAUGHTER

And I said, "On behalf of Neil, will you marry him?"

And thankfully she said yes and then he came out from behind the bush.

Just, I don't...

LAUGHTER

So the girl was in a park by herself,

he's hiding behind a bush. He's not with her that day.

No, no, no, no.

You jump out of a tree dressed as an Ewok saying, "Yup yup,"

and she stayed still and waited to hear the rest of the sentence!

LAUGHTER

No, Neil and I had organised it.

She always went this way home from work.

So she was walking home from work as well.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Was it after dark?

-No, no, no, it was in the summer.

-OK.

-So you knew she'd pass that particular tree?

-Yes. Yes.

And what was her name?

Tracy.

-That is a name.

-That is a name.

LAUGHTER

So you just walk away, leaving the two lovers together

and you just go home and feel mission accomplished?

That's an image, isn't it, them kissing and in the distance

a little Ewok walks away like that, and a little wave.

Mission accomplished.

Just as he goes over the horizon. "My job here is done."

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

As he's giving out the leaflets for the local restaurant.

LAUGHTER

And did you get an invite to the wedding?

Yes, I did, yeah.

-You did, and did you go?

-No, I didn't go.

No.

There was no money in that.

LAUGHTER

And how did it come about? How did you,

how did they get in touch with you and...?

Well, Neil came to a Star Wars convention that I was at

and I had, I knew him when I was a kid.

I didn't really remember him but then when he asked me,

"Look I'm going to propose to my girlfriend, she's a huge fan,"

you know, and offered me some money to do it, I mean I...

# That's what friends are for. #

LAUGHTER

Had there been a progression of, like...

Did he start with Hans Solo and go, right, he don't want to do it.

All relationships start with hands solo.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, well, let's move on to Paul.

-Now, Neil is your neighbour...

-Yeah.

-..and he owns a parrot.

-Yes.

Why does the parrot need walking?

It needs to get out in the fresh air.

So you walk down the road just with the parrot in the cage.

Well, he's actually got, it's like a...

It's not great exercise for the parrot, that, is it?

No, no, it's to get the air, it's to get the air and it keeps him...

-Couldn't you just use a hairdryer?

-You could do!

LAUGHTER

What colour is the parrot?

Well, it's got a blue head and sort of brownsy.

-Brownsy?

-Brownsy wings.

-Blue head, brown wings.

-Yeah, a little dark down the bottom.

-Sure it's not a pigeon?

LAUGHTER

-It's a bright, it's bright blue.

-Oh right.

I mean, you seem to me too busy to be doing that as well.

What does your neighbour do for a job?

Poor Warwick, but he doesn't seem too busy to be doing jumping out of trees!

LAUGHTER

I think you'd take it into the garden and just let it get some fresh air.

No, it's actually the movement, he wants to see where, you know, around.

You could walk round the garden, couldn't you?

You know those washing lines on a pole that spin round?

You could just attach it to that and...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

And where would you go on this walk, Paul, where?

We live, we live in a village. Literally just up the lane

at the top there's a little path which breaks

out into the wheat fields. I'm literally, I don't go as far

as I normally walk the dog, but about half way up the field and back.

He offered me to have this, like a haversack.

It's weird, and it's got a connection, you can

-actually hold it on your back.

-No way.

-Yes.

-In the cage?

-In the cage.

-Oh, I thought you meant without the cage and I thought...

-Oh, no!

-..it could take off.

Argh!

LAUGHTER

-Now, what about Lee?

-So, Lee, the Womble assault.

-Yes.

-Tell the story.

-Well, there was a Womble and I...

No, there wasn't, Wombles don't exist, it's a lie, OK?

It's not an actual Womble, it's a toy Womble

and the story is I went away on holiday when I was 16

and it was me and Neil and another friend of ours, John, and

we went to a little caravan site in Blackpool and I took the Womble with

me because I had this Womble since I was a little kid and I don't know

why but I took it on holiday with me and when I opened the suitcase,

them two mercilessly took the mickey out of me

and I said, "Ha, that old thing, I don't even know how it got in there."

And to prove my manhood I got a pair of scissors, cut its ears off

and then burnt it on the fire, and was devastated, but I tried to show

my manhood by just not being bothered.

Like I don't bother about that, so.

Did you cry later on?

I was crying as I did it inside, but on the outside laughing. It's a bit like this show.

LAUGHTER

I will say, Lee, you, to me you've never seemed more human.

LAUGHTER

How did your friends react when you sliced up the Womble with the scissors?

Did they go, "Yeah, you're a great lad," or did they, or were they...

-You and your boy talk.

-I know, I, yeah, yeah.

It was a pretty rough comprehensive you went to, wasn't it, David?

Yes, they all said, "You are a great lad," together, as they chanted and rang their bells at the same time.

# You are a great lad, a great lad, a great. #

They danced around me and put up the maypole.

How did your friends react when they saw you?

Did they sort of go, "Oh, yeah, that's great, ha-ha,

"he's one of the lads still," or did they go, "Oh, my God, he's a maniac"?

Right. They're only having a bit of fun going, ah, it's your Womble,

they didn't expect me to, "No, it's not."

-Yeah.

-So, you burnt it as well.

I burnt his face against the fire in there.

-Sorry, I'd forgotten that bit.

-Yeah, oh, yeah.

Priceless. "I'd better burn its face so that I seem normal"!

LAUGHTER

We need an answer, David.

Is Neil Warwick's park proposer,

Paul's parrot-walking neighbour or Lee's Womble witness?

Joan, what do you think?

Well, I think if I was a fan of Warwick and the show

I would think that would be quite a larky thing to do.

I really, I genuinely hope it's not true about Lee,

-cos I think that must have been very upsetting...

-Me too.

..and then it must be very upsetting when the point came

and you realised you have to use that terrible moment in your past

-on a TV comedy show.

-David, David...

-That must be, that's...

It is series seven, I'm getting desperate.

By series 23 I'll be going,

"I had to see a child psychologist cos Mummy left."

LAUGHTER

Come on the show with an eye patch on saying,

"I blinded myself in one eye before the show."

LAUGHTER

Who knows, could it be an eye or a wound?

LAUGHTER

-I think the parrot one is the least plausible...

-Yeah.

-..for me.

I think Warwick's telling the truth. I think that's the closest to reality.

-I hope it is.

-I think I too think it's most likely to be Warwick that's telling the truth.

-You think it's Warwick.

-Yeah.

-You think it's the Ewok, it's the jumping out of the tree

and the proposal. OK. Right, Neil, would you please reveal your true identity?

Rob, my name is Neil and I'm a friend of Lee's

and I witnessed the Womble assault.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think I feel a thousand years older.

Thank you very much, Neil. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round Quick-fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth

but against the clock and again they don't know whether

they're about to read out a true fact about themselves,

or a made-up lie they've never seen before.

We start with... It's Joan.

For the last 30 years my breakfast regime has never altered.

I have one bowl of porridge, one large banana

and half a pint of lager.

LAUGHTER

-Lee.

-How much do we want this to be true?

LAUGHTER

-It's healthy.

-It really isn't.

Sorry to break it to you but porridge is not good for you.

LAUGHTER

So for 30 years, why did you start apart from emotional problems?

-Well...

-Drinking for breakfast.

I had a bit of a thing about staying healthy as I got older.

I thought it was important to have a routine, to have a regular nourishment that was,

that answered many of the needs of the diet fads that were around at the time

and then of course once I'd started I liked it.

Where did the alcohol come into it though?

Well, you, I mean you can't just have porridge by itself and a banana.

It's very dry, you have to have something to drink with it.

Are you seriously, in a half pint glass or in a pint glass that's half full?

No, no, no, a half, it's half a pint.

-Have you got it on draft in the kitchen?

-LAUGHTER

No, I don't do that. I buy lager like other people do, in cans.

I don't gulp it down.

Sips it like a lady.

I just enjoy it, I read the Guardian while I'm...

You read the Guardian with your half a lager!

LAUGHTER

Exactly.

-HE SLURS:

-Forget the paper.

LAUGHTER

So when you go abroad do you hunt down bananas and lager?

Yes, it's not difficult if you stay at the right places.

It's not difficult to acquire lager anywhere in the world.

-All hotels do have lager.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, but why specifically...

That not the bit we're doubting, David.

-Well, I'm...

-We're not doubting where you get them.

Porridge is also well-known as a breakfast food, I don't see

which of these three things do you think will be somehow unattainable.

-It's not...

-In the places you might go and stay on holiday or business.

Some places you go to you will find it difficult to find porridge.

-Where?

-Er, some of the Greek countries you'll find it difficult to,

-Cyprus, you'll have...

-I have to say I have...

Some of the Greek countries, like Greece?

LAUGHTER

That's not been... The problem that I've encountered is when

-I go to stay somewhere in which I've rented a villa or something.

-Yeah.

And then I take porridge oats with me.

And beer, some lager as well.

No, you can order that.

Where do you go and...

You can't order it in a villa.

No, you can't order it but you can take it.

Unless you open the door and scream, "I'm a heavy drinker, somebody help me!"

It's seven in the morning. Argh! I NEED LAGER! And porridge and a banana. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

I have genuinely never been in a villa in another country

when there hasn't also been lager there.

-In the villa?

-Yeah. It's not naturally occurring but when people go on holiday,

British people they go on holiday, the first thing they do is they buy a load of lager.

Do you find yourselves sometimes on a stressful week having quite a few breakfasts during the day?

LAUGHTER

What are you? Were you in the green room before, what are you having for dinner, Joan?

"I'll just have another breakfast actually, porridge, a banana and yes, another little half a lager."

Let, let me, let me just say, Joan, whatever it is that you do, it's working...

-Thank you.

-..because you look fantastic. you see, that's how you talk to a lady.

Now, Lee, what are you thinking?

She couldn't understand a word you said, she's drunk.

LAUGHTER

Is it the truth or is it a lie? Time to decide.

I think she looks great and that's why I don't think she drinks half a lager.

Cos look at me, I do drink lager every morning and I'm 24.

LAUGHTER

-What do you think, Warwick?

-Yeah, I, I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie. Let's go for a lie.

-So you're going to say it's a lie?

-I'll say it's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's a lie.

Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?

It was a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie.

For the last 30 years Joan's breakfast regime hasn't been

one bowl of porridge, one large banana and a half a pint of lager.

Next... It's Lee.

I can smell if there is a dead fly in the room.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, I know it sounds ridiculous.

But I can smell a dead fly in the room.

So, is what you're saying that if there isn't a dead fly in the room

-you have no sense of smell?

-No, that's not what I'm saying,

and you know damn well that's not what I'm saying, David.

No, I can smell if there is a dead fly in the room. I can smell the dead fly.

So is there one, is there a dead fly in here?

Hold on.

LAUGHTER

No, I can't smell a dead fly in this room.

-Obviously, this isn't what we call a normal size room, is it?

-Oh, I see.

-Well, a room in my house.

How do you prove this? Do you actually sniff it out?

Can you, like a sniffer dog you actually find the dead fly with your nose?

-Or do you just go.

-No, no, no.

-There's a dead fly in here.

-I never told you I could find them.

You can't locate it, you just know it's somewhere within the walls.

Not, not within the wall.

I'm not talking about flies that might have been killed by a serial killer and then sort of plastered in.

Yeah, yeah. I can't smell them. I can't smell them, no, no. Definitely not.

-Right, OK.

-But you can't locate them, you just know they're somewhere in the room.

I can smell if there's a dead fly in the room.

LAUGHTER

How can you put it to the test

because you might have been in a room in which there was

a dead fly and you have not smelt it and said, "There is no dead fly in this room,"

and people have believed you and yet lurking in the corner...

It's a good question, Joan. It's a very good question, and I wish that I had a good answer.

Just by the law of averages there's been too many times

when I've gone in a room and gone, "There's a dead fly in this room,"

and quite often we will see the dead fly.

What do you mean "quite often"? It has to be always, it has to be always.

I can smell if there's a dead fly in the room

so I will go in and go, "I think there's a dead fly in the room."

That's just a polite way of talking, David.

-I don't go, "There is a dead fly in the room, it's a fact every time."

-This room is a disgrace!

I talk, I talk more softly than you, David, I have a softer...

I don't show off about my talents.

I walk in a room and I go, "I think there's a dead fly in this room."

In fact, no, I think you'll find there is definitely.

LAUGHTER

There always is. There always is.

What does the dead fly smell of?

It's a smell that I wouldn't want to describe to a friend.

-Try, imagine you're a wine connoisseur.

-Right.

But it's the smell of a dead fly.

-I'm getting...

-Yeah, what are you getting?

I'm getting a... I'm getting a bit of wing.

I'm getting, er, I'm getting another wing, er,

-and er, how many wings has a fly got? Is it two or four?

-Four.

-Four.

Another wing, and, no, wait, wait.

There's only three wings. I think I know how this fly died. Um.

LAUGHTER

You've not really described the smell there.

You've described the body parts of a fly while making sniffing noises.

Well, I can't, you know, I'm a professional. You're an amateur.

I'm trying to say it in layman's terms.

Well, earlier on, I was, er, I came to see you in your dressing room

to say hello and I had a little look in the window and only now I'm

thinking, there was a dead fly in there and you never mentioned it.

Before you came in I went, "Oh, smell a fly."

But I found that that smell was soon overpowered, Jason.

LAUGHTER

David, time to make your mind up. Is he telling the truth?

Is that whole fly-smelling thing real?

Um, well, let us pay him the respect of pretending to consider it.

LAUGHTER

Joan, you don't believe him when he says?

-I do not believe him.

-Well, I think lie.

You think lie. You're saying lie. OK.

Lee, were you telling the truth or was that a lie?

I've actually started believing it myself.

LAUGHTER

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie, Lee can't smell if there's a dead fly in the room.

-BUZZER

-Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee has triumphed by three points to two.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game,

my individual liar of the week this week is Warwick Davis.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Warwick Davis, who would have thought it? An Ewok who tells lies.

Whatever next, Yoda trying to sell us mobile phones?

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd