The Unseen Bits Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition

of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight, Bob Mortimer, Richard Osman,

Jermaine Jenas, Moira Stuart,

Alex Jones, John Cooper Clarke,

Clare Balding and Joe Lycett.

And joining David Mitchell tonight,

Danny Dyer, Gaby Logan,

Steve Backshaw, Alan Davies,

Germaine Greer, Greg Davies,

Rhod Gilbert and Nick Grimshaw.

And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Danny is first up.

I've buried £1,000 in cash at a secret location

in case I ever have to go on the run.

LAUGHTER

When did you hide it?

About ten years ago.

-Are you willing to say on national television where it is?

-Nah, nah!

I think I'll keep it double low, to be honest with you.

Because if I'm on the run, it'll be on top for me

and it'll be the first place they'll look, won't it?

What?

LAUGHTER

Not that I'm going to be on the run.

I'm just saying that, you know, I've buried a bag of sand,

-which is a grand, right?

-Right.

-Somewhere, in case it comes on top...

-What does that mean?

-Somewhere?

-No - on top!

If something happens, illegal or...

I thought you meant in case the money...

You haven't buried it deep enough and it'd end up on top.

It's double low, you muppet. He said that.

If I don't know what low means then I don't know what double low means.

Well, you know it's twice as much.

I don't know what the starting point is.

How much is low?

-Well, low - you know - double low's proper on top.

-Right.

-Which means...

Don't forget, anybody watching, we do have subtitles.

Use that red button.

What would you imagine that you could get into trouble for?

We don't count acting.

GROANING AND LAUGHING

-Sorry!

-I like that reaction. Good reaction! Healthy.

So, what kind of thing could you get into trouble for?

Well, numerous things,

so you need to just have a little stash somewhere.

Danny, can I just check, is this for crimes... Not crimes!

-I'm not talking about crimes.

-I didn't say crimes!

Is this for murders that have taken place previously

or things that might happen in the future?

-Are you asking Danny to confess to crimes?

-All right.

So do you think you might have to move abroad to start a new life?

Well, not abroad. Margate, or something like that.

Get off the plot, you know what I mean?

How long could you last on a bag of sand?

Well, depends where you are.

Margate, you can last about ten years!

And how did you bury it? Was it under cover of darkness?

No, it was in broad daylight. I wouldn't go at night.

Why did you do it in daylight?

Well, because it...

I'm giving it away now.

I'm not going to go, "Daylight - I think I know where it is."

I know where it is.

It's somewhere outdoors. I'll go and get it.

It's an area that, you know, ain't got no houses around.

Right, so you buried it in, like, a forest or something?

-Not a forest, no, no. That would be too tricky.

-In a graveyard?

No, no, not a graveyard.

That'd be out of order, wouldn't it?

Digging up a grave and whacking a grand in.

It's a field.

-A field?

-Ah. Presumably, now, you possess a treasure map?

-Nah, nah.

-Well, how are you going to remember where it is?

It's about where I whacked my motor.

-You've what, you' killed your car?!

-No... I parked my car.

But you drove your car away, though, didn't you, afterwards,

so it's not still there!

You do know that when you got back in the car and drove away,

saying it's by the car is no longer a help!

-Well, I parked my car next to something that I will remember.

-Ah.

-Now, so...what is that thing?

-I'll tell you what it is.

-Good.

-No, no, I don't want to, though.

-Why?

Cos it might be next to, sort of, a Norman Wisdom statue,

-and there's only...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

And there's only a few of them knocking about is what I'm saying.

It's not near a Norman Wisdom statue. It's not!

You can't expect Danny to give away the location on television

of where his bag of sand is!

For a minute then, I really thought I was in some gangster film.

"I've wiped it off and buried it near the Norman Wisdom statue"!

-Have you been back to check on it, to check it's still there?

-Nah.

That'd be stupid, wouldn't it? It's there.

No-one's going near it, I know that. It's impossible to find.

Um...

Danny, that's the point we're making!

So what do you think, Lee?

-What do we think?

-Absolutely not.

-I say it's a lie.

A thousand wouldn't have been enough.

And I say it must be a lie?

Going to say lie, OK.

Danny, truth or lie?

It's a lie, innit? Come on!

Clare, it's your turn.

The first time I went to Germany, I knew only one German phrase,

and bizarrely, an accident occurred which required me to use it.

David's team.

What was the phrase?

Entschuldigen Sie, bitte. Mein Vater ist in den Fluss gefallen.

I don't speak German.

Is that a phrase or is that just a random German sentence?

Are you asking what does it mean?

Yeah!

It means, "Excuse me, please, my father has fallen in the river."

That well-known German phrase.

Had your father fallen in the rivers elsewhere for you to learn that?

- No. - Was he like a serial...

- River...no. - But why would you learn that phrase

unless he had a habit of falling into rivers?

Before you went to Germany,

you thought, "I'd better check that out."

Total coincidence - "I think I'll learn the phrase,

"'My father fell into the river.'"

You went to Germany and your father fell in the river.

Yes!

-I think I'm ready.

-I've decided.

I'm going early on this one.

So what happened with your dad, and who did you say that phrase to?

-Were you shouting it from the banks?

-No.

We were skiing, and he was going off-piste

and he skied into a little river by mistake.

-What is the German emergency - is it 999?

-I don't know!

LAUGHTER

So they're saying, "Do you need help?"

and you're saying, "Nein nein nein," and they go, "Forget it, then."

-When you dial 999, Lee, do you then say to them, "999"?

-No, no, no.

Have you got one of those old phones

where you have to call to the operator and go,

"999 at once! The vicar has been taken ill."

-Clare, who did you end up saying this phrase to?

-To a passer-by.

-A skier?

-Yes.

-Right.

-No, a tennis player, Rob(!)

-I flagged them down and said...

-Wow, he's going fast!

So you spoke to this passing skier who was just

another holiday-maker, another skier. What happened?

Well, luckily, they were English, so I needn't have bothered.

So they had no idea what you were saying!

-Absolutely no idea.

-So you spoke to them and then what happened?

-They helped me pull him out.

-Right.

But then all evening I was able to say that my father

-had fallen in the river, in German.

-What are you thinking, Nick?

I think that you would have just initially said,

"Help!" if this was a true story.

You wouldn't have been like,

"Let me just remember this very weird German sentence."

I'm not sure, but I find it hard to...think ill of Clare Balding.

-I think she's telling the truth.

-Oh!

Now, if she's lying, it wouldn't reflect badly on her character.

It would.

Even within the parameters of this game,

I still don't think she would.

-So, what are you going to say?

-Lie?

-Lie for me.

-True?

-True, absolutely.

-I think I'll... Lie.

-OK. They're saying it's a lie.

Clare, truth or lie?

Would I?

-It's true.

-Oh!

It's David.

I find it incredibly irritating when other people fiddle with my jigsaws.

-Lee's team.

-What was the last jigsaw you did?

-It was a picture of the city centre in Oxford.

-How many pieces was it?

-1,000.

-1,000!

-What's your jigsaw etiquette?

Er...my etiquette?

Well, when I say etiquette, I mean, if you're doing a big jigsaw,

you have to do it on something,

so that it doesn't upset anyone else's life, so what do you do it on?

My grandfather's coffin.

Because we've all stopped hoping that he's ever going to come out.

-On a card table.

-On a card table?

-OK.

-On a card table.

That's nearly right.

-And you start with the outside, you do the whole perimeter.

-Yeah.

Where do you go then?

Then I go for recognisable objects in the scene.

So which particular recognisable bits were bits you were looking for?

Well, there's a building in the middle

with a sort of dome and a spike.

I'm an expert in architecture.

Also, there were several people wandering around,

like someone on a bicycle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're saying...

You're looking for specific things.

A person can go anywhere in the jigsaw.

No, they can't. They can only go where they go.

"I've got a person. I'm going to put him up there."

Can you do a jigsaw, Lee?

Well, I don't, David, cos I've got a life, but carry on.

Fair enough. I was going to say, do you use scissors?

You know I'm not allowed scissors!

So generally, 1,000-piece jigsaw, you're coning back to it

now and again, work commitments permitting...

How long does it take?

Let's say...three months.

Three months?! Three months?

-It's a 1,000-piece jigsaw, 330 pieces a month...

-Excessive.

So he's doing about 90 pieces a week.

-So he's doing about 15 pieces a day, all right?

-Mm-hm.

15 pieces a day is borderline you need help.

I don't need help and I don't like it when people help!

That's the point. That's the point.

-So Lee, what's it going to be?

-Alex?

Well, if he was into jigsaws properly,

-and he didn't want a fiddler, you put clingfilm on it.

-What?!

You're even weirder than me!

Wouldn't the clingfilm stick to the pieces and then

so when you pick the clingfilm up it would undo weeks and months of work?

No.

Cos you buy a massive tray, you do it on the tray,

not only can you carry it around if you need to dust,

but also the clingfilm wraps underneath.

-You've watched far too many features on The One Show, haven't you?

-Yes!

-AS ALEX:

-This week, we're talking about tricks for jigsaws.

You probably think it's just the four corners you have to know,

but no, get your clingfilm ready and we'll tell you after this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-John, do you think it's...?

-Well, I can see it.

I think David's a contemplative type of person, you know,

and jigsaw puzzles kind of allow you

that loose space to be ruminative...

It takes you to a ruminative place that you wouldn't otherwise

enter in the normal run of events.

Just to clarify, is it true or false?

-True. True.

-True?

-Go true.

-OK. True.

-OK.

David. Truth or lie?

It is...

-True.

-Ah.

-Ah!

It's Bob.

I have a possession.

Ah, there's a box.

Take the item out of the box. Pop it there and then read the card.

This is the cushion that I used to carry my pet owl around on.

I would have brought the owl, but he escaped last week.

-David's team, what do you think?

-What kind of an owl was it?

-Tawny.

Tawnys perch on branches,

so how did you get it to perch on a big, flat, soft cushion?

Oh, Steve, it's so good to have you here!

How did I...?

Is there a problem here, Steve?

You know the talon marks? I have a rare breeds farm near me

and they had to get rid of a tawny owl that was injured.

-He couldn't use its wings and couldn't use its bottom.

-For what?

For doing what... for poo-pooing.

What did it use?

So, as a trustee as the organisation,

cos it's just down the road from me, in Warehorne, I agreed to have...

I agreed that I would look after it.

It actually had what you would call a colestomy bag.

-We wouldn't call it that.

-You would.

We'd call it a colostomy bag.

-Have I said it...?

-We wouldn't have picked it up

but you did specifically say that's what we would have called it.

I thought I'd better address this because we wouldn't.

Steve, is an owl's colostomy bag called a colestomy bag?

Yes, it is!

You wouldn't really need it because the majority of solid faecal matter

with an owl comes out of its mouth.

Yeah. Look, we're dealing with a very sick owl here.

I'm sorry, I sound aggressive there.

He's escaped now and I can see his little face.

We were given a pipette with what was...

Owl nourishment.

-So you had to feed it by pipette?

-Yes.

How did it stand on the cushion if, as Steve says, it needs a perch?

-It was fine just...

-I've clearly not made it clear.

This is an incredibly sick bird.

You can't judge it by the normal tawny.

This is a lump of meat and feathers.

That is just hanging on in there.

But the thing's still escaped.

Yes. Actually, I...

I suspect it was killed by my cats.

Why did this owl sanctuary, when it has a sick owl,

why didn't it look after the owl itself

rather than give it to a local celebrity?

Because I...I am very closely associated with it.

Sorry - my client would like a minute.

You clearly said you were going to nurse it back to health?

-No, that was never going to happen.

-It's palliative care?

-Palliative care for the owl.

-A hospice for the owl.

And we had some decent times.

Did he have a name, this owl?

We called it...er...

-Did you? You called it...ah.

-You're upset, Bob, I can tell.

-If you need a minute, it's OK. But what did you call it?

-Sorry?

-What did you call it?

-What did we call the owl?

-Yeah.

Well, we called him Mavis.

Mavis.

Bob, what did you feed it? With the pipette?

It was described to me as "owl nourishment".

Described to you by who?! By who?!

You just take bowls and put them in the liquidiser?

Steve, I can't impress on you how sick...

The most we got out of it...

It'd just lift a lid.

It wasn't perched, then. It was reclined on the cushion?

That was its death bed.

We'd have like a broomstick or something, we'd hold it out.

What have you told the owl sanctuary?

Cos they must have been upset.

No, I told them he's passed away, yeah.

And they said, "That's fine, we knew Mavis was going to die soon,

"that's why we gave him or her to you,

"a comedian who lives locally,

"to keep on a cushion in the same room as a cat"?

My client would like to change his plea.

This isn't sounding...

GABBY: You're a trustee, did you say, of this charity?

Yes. It's a rare breeds farm in Warehorne, does family days.

Sadly, they haven't got an owl at the moment.

So David, what are you thinking? Is this true?

No, this isn't true.

You think he made all of that up?

I just don't believe they would let him bring a dying tawny owl home.

-No, I don't think so. I think we're saying it's a lie.

-I think you are.

And I think the rare breeds centre

probably needs to look at its working practices

if it happens to be true.

OK, Bob, truth or lie?

I was telling a lie.

-It's Germaine.

-Oh.

-Possession.

-Possession. Now, then, there's a box under the desk.

Could you read the card first and then take the item out

and pop it on the desk, please?

This is the bag I wear on my head to carry my shopping home.

LAUGHTER

All right, so let's see the bag.

Just pop it in-between you and David on the desk. That's it.

-You wear it on your head?!

-Yeah, we need to see this.

You do it like this. This is...

-It's a tumpline. It's a tumpline.

-You've obviously done that before!

-What's a tumpline?

-Yeah. People all over the world

carry things like this, especially if they haven't got beasts of burden -

you become the beast of burden, so...

Sorry - have I just turned over?

What are you doing with your arms?

You're walking with a stick or carrying a baby or whatever.

You're walking with a stick and a baby in Tesco?

Well, you see, it comes from somewhere else, this amazing thing.

Where do you shop? Tibet?

No, I shop in Essex.

You come over here, Germaine, if you would,

and I'll tell you what we'll do.

I will be working at the local supermarket.

I'm the new, young checkout boy.

It's good that you're getting some practise in.

-Right, is it ready?

-Yeah.

-OK. Here we go. Get ready.

Beep!

There you go, love. Beep!

Some oranges, I see. Lovely.

How much, bread?

Can I just ask a question?

-Beep!

-At this point, are there people in the queue

looking at you face-on?

In the supermarkets, you've got your trolley,

then you get to the checkout...

Then you get to the checkout...

-Come on, hurry up!

-Beep!

-That's going to be too heavy, isn't it?

-No. Put it in.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

If I kill you on the television...

There could be a dead body in there. That's how big it is.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah. I'm still cool.

-All right.

How far would you walk with those?

-Well, I can walk any amount of distance.

-How do you get it off?

-How do I what?

-How do you get it off without doing yourself...

Oh, careful!

-It's not a problem.

-Well, very convincing. What do you think, Lee?

-Jermaine?

-She doesn't strike me as a person who's going to be

too fussed about what people think.

OK!

And also, it kind of suited her.

I think it suits her. I think it's 100% true.

If this is true, I've got one word for you and that is "Ocado".

My team say true. I doubt it, but we'll go with true.

Oh, you're going to say true. Germaine. Truth or lie?

True.

Greg, your turn.

When I was a teenager, I used to have to butter my legs

in order to squeeze into tight leather trousers.

Lee's team, off you go.

-What age are we talking about?

-I was 17.

It was when I was experimenting with being a Goth actually.

You don't look like a good Goth to me

cos you're too close to the sun!

I wasn't.

Isn't there an issue of rancidity

when the temperature of a room changes?

And it's a very volatile substance,

it moves from a solid to a liquid in the blink of an eye.

I wish you'd had been my science teacher.

School would have been so much more fun.

There's an issue around odour here.

You're forgetting I was a teenager when I was doing this

and I generally stank.

I mean, it wasn't butter, actually, it was a margarine spread of sorts.

ALEX: Worse!

It wasn't worse, it worked.

The reason I had to do it is because I'm ludicrously tall

and the only tight trousers around stopped half a foot below my knees

so it would look like I was wearing some sort of perverse lederhosen.

So, the only tight trousers that would fit me

were, sort of, women's Lycra leggings.

How did you manage to hold the trousers to pull them up,

now that your hands were very slippy with the marge?

Well, I would put the marge on and then...

Interesting thing - in Shropshire, running water.

I would wash my hands.

Who else knew about this?

My sister was the only person who knew and that's

because she walked into my bedroom when I was applying the marge.

And...

I was very keen to explain.

That must have been one of the worst moments of her young life.

-So, what do you think?

-What do we think, John?

It's not playing out very well in the playground of my imagination.

I think that's the most wonderful way

anyone has said "lie" on this show.

Oh, I really want it to be true.

It is true.

Because to see you in a women's legging would be magical.

Ah - well, just call me.

I've got my doubts here because we've gone from leather to Lycra

-and butter to margarine.

-No, they were...

No, they were leather-effect.

You didn't ask me. They were a leather-effect trouser.

I Can't Believe It's Not Leather?

OK, what are you going to say?

You're saying it's a lie. Alex is saying...

Oh, I'm sorry, John, I'd love to agree,

but I think he's a bit weird.

Yeah, people do alternative things with groceries at that age, I think.

Oh, my God, not that sort of thing!

I'll go with John and say it's a lie.

-Say it's a lie?

-Yeah.

OK. Greg, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

-Good work, John.

-Well done.

It's Jermaine.

If ever I took a penalty,

I would choose to place the ball to the left or right,

depending on which of my socks was the muddiest.

David's team?

Oh, right.

Alan?

Well, footballers can be quite superstitious.

-How did you come to that system?

-It started when I was a kid.

As you can imagine, those playing fields

weren't exactly Premier League pitches in those days.

But every time I did it, I scored.

What's your strike rate on penalties?

90%.

What's the average...? How many penalties...?

What's the percentage of penalties?

Alan, you take the questions, mate!

It's quite easy, this football pundit lark!

Can I ask if, when your socks are very, very muddy,

one foot is heavier than the other?

No, if the mud is on your boot, it would tend to be heavier,

but not the socks.

Is that just something you're interested to know?

No, it would be nice to find

a sensible reason for scoring with either foot.

It's not the foot, let's be clear. It's always the same foot.

-All right, David, I've got it.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not different feet.

Suddenly David has become Alan Hansen!

I've found something I knew I understood.

Same foot, different way.

No, I didn't listen properly, I beg your pardon.

That's your problem, you don't listen.

What are you going to say, David?

-It sort of rings true.

-Did you play football?

I know you don't play professionally.

-I had to play a bit.

-At school?

-Yeah.

I hated it completely but I was usually sort of put

vaguely in defence so that I would be standing there, coldly.

Some of the bigger boys charging down towards you?

Charge past me, in the goal, and then it goes back to the middle

and you get a bit of respite.

And what time was chess club due to start?

-Yet I wasn't very good at chess.

-Really?

Yes, a pathetic physical specimen,

and intellectually not that creative either.

But thanks to the way the media select people for prominence,

here I am!

OK. So, what are you going to say? Has Jermaine been telling the truth?

What do you think, Germaine?

-I think it's true.

-True. Alan?

-Yeah, let's say true.

-We're going to say true.

You're going to say is it's true? OK.

Jermaine, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

That's all we've time for on this special edition

of Would I Lie To You?

Thanks very much for watching. Goodnight.