At Christmas Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ah.

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas? -

a very special edition filled with festive fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian whose previous jobs

include playing the organ at a crematorium.

He's the man who puts the fun into funeral, it's Bill Bailey.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And an award winning comedian, actress

and the writer and star of Gavin And Stacey, or as I prefer to call it,

Gavin And Stacey And Bryn, it's Ruth Jones.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a comedy legend who's won a BAFTA, several comedy awards,

written five books and written and starred in a hit sitcom,

but to me she'll always be the judge from Splash,

it's Splash judge, Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the fastest Dame in the world - not much of a claim

when the competition consists of Maggie Smith, Judi Dench

and Christopher Biggins -

it's Olympic gold medallist Dame Kelly Holmes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And so we begin as always with Round One, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've got no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

And Jo, you're first up tonight.

Last year I ate my Christmas dinner in the bath.

David's team.

But why?!

Because we had quite a lot of family round,

and I just wanted to be on my own, because I was in a really bad mood.

Jo, was it on a plate?

LAUGHTER

That's a horrible image, isn't it?

It was on a plate.

Hold on, so I'm just going to picture the scene, right?

You've got your Christmas dinner on the plate

and you just get up from the table

and you say, "I'm just going off to the bath for a bit,"

-and the family...

-I don't... I don't think I announced it.

I was just so fed up with everyone, I just got up, took my dinner,

went upstairs and thought, "I'm going to have a bath."

But didn't you find it...that you got really hot, eating in the bath?

I could eat my Christmas dinner in a fire.

Where did you put the dinner when you were running the bath?

-On the toilet.

-On the toilet.

And did you... did you allow the bath, the...?

Not, not with, I mean, with the lid on, and a...

a nice little tablecloth...no.

-Even so, I think it's a bit...

-Do you?

It's just the... it's the associations, isn't it,

of the two ends of the process?

If it was someone else's toilet, well...

It's like saying to the food, "This is where you're going to end up,

"mate, we both know it. You know it, I know it.

"In between, you're going on an incredible journey."

Yeah.

Did you continue to eat your Christmas dinner

while the bath was running, or did you pause in that process

to sort of save it until you were nice and comfy in the bath?

I had a couple of sprouts, David.

-Right.

-Did you have like a tray that goes over the side of the bath

that you can put the dinner on

or did you have to balance it on your knees?

I had to balance it.

On your knees?

Not necessarily.

LAUGHTER

If you were balancing it on a part of you, is there not

a risk that it will become submerged at some point, which would

ruin the dinner? Essentially, you're turning your Christmas dinner

into the Maldives in about 30 years' time,

when, you know, the bathwater of the world

starts to wash the sprouts towards the plughole.

Well, I don't...I don't put enough water in the bath for that.

In fact, you know, I don't hardly need to put any water in the bath.

OK, what do you think, David, what are you...

-what are your team thinking?

-I think maybe you had a bath,

but you didn't eat your Christmas dinner there.

Yeah, I can believe that Jo has had baths and has eaten...

and has eaten Christmas dinners,

I don't believe she's ever combined the two processes.

I, well, I think... I think she might have done.

-Oh, you think she might have done?

-Yeah.

I thought we were heading towards consensus there,

but in a very Christmassy way we're very much at loggerheads.

-Yeah, that's right.

-OK.

I think, seeing as I feel a little bit 50/50...

Oh, no, that doesn't help at all, does it?

Well, no, it does, cos if you're 100% it's true

and you're only 50% it's...

Who said I was 100%? I'm at about 80.

Oh, right. I'm going to need a pen.

This is why I keep saying I need a spreadsheet.

OK, we're going to say true.

So they're saying true.

Jo, eating your Christmas dinner in the bath, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

Ahh.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

Yes, it's a lie, Jo didn't eat her Christmas dinner in the bath.

Bill, it's your turn.

Oh, right.

OK, it says on my card, possession.

-Ah, just to the side there, there's a...

-Oh, yes?

-Yes, just...just bring...

-Just bring that up there.

Just pop that up there

and then read the statement before you do anything else.

OK. "This is Jakob."

SCREECHING

I don't remember those yoghurt drinks making that noise.

-OK.

-Must be live yoghurt.

Wahey!

All right.

This is Jakob.

I once smuggled her into the cinema,

then had to pretend the noises she was making were coming from me.

OK, now perhaps you could... you could unveil,

take the sheet off.

-ALL:

-Aww.

Aw, I love cats.

Right, Lee's team.

Why on earth would you take Yacot

-into...

-Jakob. Hang on.

-Co-ot...

-Ya-kob.

-Ya-kob.

Yeah, it's spelt...it's spelt...

Into a cinema?

-..Jakob but pronounced Ya-kob.

-OK.

I was on tour and the bird, er, was on tour with me in the hotel room,

and we wanted to go to the cinema,

-so my wife and I...

-But hang on, whoa, whoa, stop you there.

-Why was the bird on tour with you?

-Good question.

-Well, because we didn't have anyone to look after her.

-She's on tour?

-We, um...

-But that's a bird with a man's name, then, is it?

-I'm sorry, is it a she or a he, the bird?

-It's a she.

But why is she called Jakob?

-Be...

-Ya-kob.

-Ya-kob.

-Well, I know, but...

Ya-kob.

Well, no, there was a little bit of...

-There was a bit of confusion with the...

-Sexing.

-The sexing at first.

I had that with a rabbit once.

-Did you?

-Yes.

What, sex?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ALL: Ohh!

-Sit... Well, in the cinema...

-"Sit"?!

In the cinema, we put a coat over... over the case,

and we were watching a film

and then in the middle of the film there was some music

and she got quite into the music so she started whistling to the music.

HE WHISTLES

-What was the film?

-Entrapment.

LAUGHTER

That's a bit insensitive to a bird in a cage.

Yeah, well, we didn't think of that at the time.

Is that the normal cage that he lives in,

he or she lives in at home, or does she live in a big one?

No, this is a travel cage, er, it's called a Wing-ebago.

LAUGHTER

So the bird starts singing along with the music of the film.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Right, and then what happens?

And then... then she started to make noises

and then people started to look round and they looked round

and they heard this noise and then I actually just went...

HE WHISTLES

HE SCREECHES

And then... And then she said "Jakob!" like that

and then I had to say that to my wife, I went "Jakob" like that

and just sort of passed it off

like we were having a little conversation.

Was anyone sitting next to you, other than your wife?

-Yeah, there was a lot of people in the cinema, yes.

-What did they do?

Er, they just thought we were a bit weird.

So how long have you had Jakob. Is it Ya-cov?

Must be about 10, 15 years now.

-Do you have a lot of these animals in your home?

-We do.

-How many animals do you have?

-We've got about,

I don't know, 30 or 40 animals.

-40 animals?

-30 or 40 animals?

-Yes.

-Really?

-What like?

-Fish, er, some...

-I don't mean in your freezer, I mean...

Ants, we've got loads of ants...

-We've got dogs, cat, birds.

-You've got a cat?

-We've got a cat.

With the bird, isn't that a problem?

No, the cat doesn't stay in the house, er...

-What's he do, go round the cinemas?

-He goes round the cinema.

Yeah, the cat's got a paper round. Er, no.

So what are you thinking, Lee, what does your team think?

I mean, the obvious big clue to this is that he...

he seems very close, she seems very close to Bill.

-JAKOB SQUEAKS

-See?

-Aww!

I've seen Bill do TV shows where he's working with wildlife,

-so I know he likes the wildlife.

-Oh, right, so there you go.

So it might be that he's lying but he knows how to handle that bird?

-That's what I think.

-Would you be so bold as to give him

-a kiss on the lips?

-I could do.

-I wasn't talking to you.

Come here, give us a kiss. Come and give us a kiss.

You all right? She's a bit shy, she's a bit shy.

Well, I don't want to stir it up,

but she was all over David in the green room.

So, Jo?

I think it's a lie, I don't think he'd be that irresponsible.

-I'm going to go lie.

-OK, my team say lie.

You're all saying it's a lie, OK.

Bill, was that the truth or was it a lie?

It was...

true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Bill did smuggle his parrot into the cinema.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now this is week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Mick.

So, Kelly, what is Mick to you?

This is Mick, and I've a photo of him in my car

to stop me getting road rage.

Jo, how do you know Mick?

This is Mick and when we were bell-ringing together in church,

he was responsible for me being hoisted 20 foot up in the air.

And Lee, what's your relationship with Mick?

This is Mick. His surname is Partridge,

and I once had to rescue him

when he was stuck up a pear tree.

So there we have it. David, where do you want to start?

DAVID LAUGHS

Can you do me a favour? Can you start with these two,

cos I might need a while?

Kelly, why have you got a photo of Mick to avoid road rage?

How does that help?

Mick's known me for a long, long time,

so he used to have to calm me down quite a lot on the track

and then he used to come and watch some of the races, cos, obviously, when you're a young kid,

you get your family members and friends and things to come

and so because Mick used to always make me smile when I was stressed,

he gave me this one photo.

And what is he doing in the photo?

Smiling.

Is he wearing anything, or...?

Luckily it's just a head shot.

Do you ever get road rage, Ruth? Is that something that affects you?

I do get annoyed but I... I don't show any anger or rage,

I tend to just smile or blow a kiss or...or wave at them

in an annoying fashion.

In an ironic...in an ironic manner.

David, I would imagine you're an absolute brute at the wheel.

I am not legally allowed to drive a car.

Oh!

Does that mean you drive a car illegally?

Er, no, I haven't, er...what's the expression, got...

-Passed your test?

-Yeah, that's it, yeah, yeah.

But have you ever had lessons?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ineffective in terms of engendering in my brain

the knowledge of how to drive.

How many lessons did you have?

45,000.

OK. Who would you like to quiz next?

-So, Jo - bell-ringing.

-Yeah.

Are you a keen bell-ringer?

Not any more.

Were you a keen bell-ringer?

I was never really that keen on it, if I'm honest...

-Have you ever been bell-ringing?

-Yes, I have been bell-ringing.

Where was it and why did you give it a go?

It was in a church, David.

What was the church called?

I can't remember, actually. St something's.

Oh, that narrows it down, yeah.

Can you remember where it was?

Yeah, it was in a village in Kent.

OK. That's plausible.

If she'd said North Korea, we could have questioned it.

What was the...? Picture the scene for us.

Well, what happened was I had been to church a few times

and I didn't like it.

-So when was this, what age were you?

-About 12.

-Right.

-And so I was...

I could either have gone in the church choir

or been a bell-ringer.

And what happened? What did Mick do that led to this incident?

Well, it was a sort of prank that used to be played on new ringers

and what happened was that Mick said to me, "Can you hold this a minute?"

And I just put my hand out without looking,

held on to the rope and just went like that,

right, like, 20 feet up in the air.

You went 20 feet up in the air.

How old was Mick then?

A couple of years older than me.

So you were about 12, he was sort of 14.

Oh, so he was a young lad doing it.

I was imagining him at the age he is now.

It's before the service,

you're doing the pre-service bell-ringing -

why aren't you on your own bell rope?

What are you doing there that you're able to respond to his call,

you know, "Grab hold of this"?

Which is a dangerous thing to respond to without looking

in all sorts of circumstances.

Not quite as dangerous as your impression of bell-ringing,

which looks more like cow milking.

You're going like this.

Sorry, I'm no sort of mime. But is it more like that?

Is that more like it?

I think it's a...

Happy Christmas!

You have to get it from one position to another position,

and while you're doing that, that's when it's dangerous, so...

And how do you do that?

Is that using the rope sort of...?

You yank it along with the rope or...?

You have to pull the rope in a particular way.

Oh, well, it'll be a nice chance for you to demonstrate how you pull it.

Well, when you're actually ringing a bell properly,

you start by putting your hand up and getting

the end of the bell rope, which is about that far above your head.

You pull that down and you catch the fluffy bit

and then you pull that down with both hands, then you let it go,

let go one hand and let it go right up, so it's like that.

So that's ringing... that's ringing a bell.

In order to get the bell in the right position,

you pull it like this and as you pull it...

SNIGGERING FROM AUDIENCE

That's why he married me.

Now what about...what about Lee and...and his claim?

No, that's not true.

OK, what was he doing up the pear tree, Lee?

He was rescuing a cat.

No further questions.

Where was the pear tree?

Next to the cat.

The pear tree was in the grounds of a pub.

OK, and this was, like, in the beer garden?

We were having drinks outside in the beer garden.

Er, we had a bit too many, we went back inside, it got dark,

got late, and then we were staying in a local hotel,

everyone was going out to get the taxis home

and that's when I heard a scream.

"Help, I'm up a pear tree!"

And I thought, "What?" I thought... I remember saying, "Hark!" And...

Did you know Mick? Was he one of your friends who'd gone to the pub?

Never met him before in my life.

Mick, it turns out was the landlord of the pub.

-Right.

-Right.

And which answers the question why we weren't getting served,

but we'll forget that for a minute.

How big a tree was it, Lee, and how high was Mick?

The pear tree was, er, was...was quite high,

I would say going... Using Mick as a measurement of one,

I would say it was about five Micks.

How did you actually rescue him?

So I shouted up, "What are you doing up there, mate?"

And he said, um...well, this is what I heard at the time,

HE MUMBLES

I said, "You'll have to shout, mate, you're five Micks up."

So he's right at the top. It's a five-Mick tree and he's right at the top.

-Yeah.

-I was thinking he'd be about three-and-a-half Micks up.

To be fair, he was sort of lying on the branch,

so his head was only four Micks and a bit high.

And he said, "Go and get help.

So I said, "Have you got any ladders?"

He said, "Yes", and I said, "Right, well, good luck," and off I went.

But how had he got up there?

How did he manage to get up there in the first place?

How did he manage? He clambered up. So the cat, as it turns out,

was at the top of the tree, right at the top of the tree.

I'm talking five-and-a-half Micks cos there was a thin branch at the top.

So he's basically, a pear tree is full of, er...

-Pears.

-That's the word.

But for a very brief period of the year.

-Yes.

-Yes, correct.

-Is he up there at...?

Well, would you believe, that this cat was partial to a pear.

Wouldn't have happened any other time of year.

He says, "He's always like this." He's a country bloke.

-"Always like this, he is."

-But he wouldn't go for a near pear.

Or one of the many that were on the floor.

David, David, it was the last pear, he'd eaten the others.

So it wasn't full of pears, there was only one pear,

at the top, like an angel.

It was full of pears when he started climbing -

he'd been up there for two-and-a-half seasons.

So off I went and got the ladder,

clambered up the first bit of the ladder

and I just sort of helped Mick down on to the ladder

and we became lovers.

All right, well, we need an answer, so David's team,

is Mick Kelly's calming companion,

Jo's bell-ringing buddy or Lee's Partridge in a pear tree?

I think it's Jo that's telling the truth. Do you know why?

Cos of her rope action.

You think it's Jo.

Yeah, and I don't know what it would take to calm you down, Dame Kelly.

I don't think Mick is the answer, though.

-Aw.

-He looks calm now.

You want to see him at the top of a pear tree gripping a cat.

Absolutely in bits, he was.

What are you thinking, David?

I think it's Jo, that's what I think.

You think the bell-ringing. Ruth thinks the bell-ringing. Bill?

-Yeah, I'll go with bell-ringing.

-The bell for Bill. OK.

Right, they all think it's Jo.

Mick, could you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Mick

and I was responsible for Jo being hoisted 20 feet off of the ground.

Yes, Mick is Jo's bell-ringing buddy.

Thank you very much, Mick, thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

BUZZER It's David.

Possession.

There'll be a little box under your desk.

-Thank you.

-There's a card inside, David.

Read the card out first and then when you've done that...

This is just a little something me and Rob got you for Christmas.

And then once you've read it out, then pop the object on the desk.

OK.

These are two of the best gifts I was given last Christmas.

-OK. And take them out and pop them on the desk.

-OK.

-There we are.

-There we go.

-Right. What - Lee?

First question is what, and I can see what one of them is,

but what's the other one?

-It's a hat.

-No...

What's the... What's the stick thing?

-Yeah.

-Er, it's a...it's a wand.

-OK.

-You do magic with it.

Oh, well, don't wave it around, anything could happen.

Who bought you it?

-Er, my wife.

-Oh.

That bit is true, in case you were wondering -

he has got a wife, yeah.

Most people don't believe it at this point but...he has got a wife.

Just to give us a fuller picture, let's see if the hat fits

and if it does, wear it.

Put it on and then... Let's get the full effect.

Ah, but does the wand fit?

-And then hold the wand.

-I think so.

Oh. It's lovely.

You look like a proper Dickensian gentleman.

OK. When you opened the present,

did you say, "This is lovely but what...what is it for?"

It's a... No, she said it was, um, er, a wand thing where you can...

There's a... It's got a battery in it.

Oh, it's a cordless one.

And...and you can make it... You can make it be a remote control.

Am I allowed to touch David's wand?

-Can I?

-You can inspect it if you want to,

but don't damage it, I-I'll get it...

You don't trust me to get it without damaging it.

I'm just happier when you're sat down, that's all.

Get me the wand, please.

Were you born in a little northern town

called Double Entendre?

Actually Cockermouth.

First thing is, I can't see any way you can get batteries in this thing

and it...it's got a light on the end

so obviously it does do something electronic

but I don't know where you'd put a battery.

You don't put a battery in the end there.

-Can you get a battery in the end of there?

-No.

Look the end comes off so we can definitely...

It's an electronic item, that is a definite,

and that's definitely a hat, I'm not an idiot.

Rob, I've broke it.

Have you really?

Well, something's come off the end.

David, I'll get you another one, I promise.

-He actually has lost the...

-The end's fallen off the...

-There it is.

-There! There it is, there it is.

-Give me the hat.

-Oh, I've sat on the hat!

Give me the hat, give me the hat, give me the hat.

Would you wear that in the house, the hat, David?

Would you wear it around the house?

No, I wouldn't wear a hat indoors.

Basically, you'd wear a hat like this

when you've, you know, on the way from the cab

to the scene of the murder.

So what do you think, Lee? What is your team thinking on this?

Well, I'm interested that Rob warns off manhandling

and hurting it.

Would David be that bothered?

I have got history on this show.

History of breaking things?

Well, he owned...he owned a pen in one episode when it was his pen.

And you broke it?

Damn right.

There was another episode

where there was...supposedly a beloved teddy bear

that I didn't own, but he didn't know,

and he tore its head off.

Um, so... Now, David, I would like to know

was there any explanation from your wife at all,

cos obviously you've picked this up, you don't known what this is.

-An explanation?

-Yes, to why...

When you're given a present, do you ask for an explanation?

-No, no, you misund...

-It's quite aggressive, isn't it?

Let me finish, David - was there any explanation at all

as to why she married you?

No, she's never explained that,

but I don't want to ask too many questions.

-I reckon I'm onto...

-Leave it at that!

..I'm onto a good thing.

My husband bought me a dress that was two sizes too small once

because he wanted me to lose weight so I could wear it.

He did, and then when he gave it to me,

he said, "Look forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

That worked very well.

What are you going to say, Lee's team? Is he telling the truth?

-Kelly, you're saying...?

-Oh... Lie.

-You're saying lie, Jo's saying lie.

-I'll say lie as well.

I have to go with my team and say it's a lie.

So the team is saying lie. David, truth or lie?

It is...

true.

Next.

It's Lee.

Last Christmas Eve, my wife asked me to pop out

and get four to five lemons and eight or nine limes.

Unfortunately, I misheard her

and came back with 45 lemons and 89 limes.

David.

I, um...

In better news, we haven't suffered from scurvy for a long time.

You went out and you came back with 45 lemons and 89 limes?

What did you think they were for?

I don't ever question my wife when it comes to cooking.

You just don't, with my wife.

She cooks some amazingly overly citrus dishes, always.

Largely cos she's using up what you've bought.

You say it was Christmas Eve -

were you going to be entertaining guests?

Well, you know, family members.

-So I wouldn't say guests, but they had to come round.

-Right.

What...what were the lemons and limes for?

It turns out they were for the drinks.

-I wondered why I didn't need to get any pastry.

-I haven't met your wife,

I'm sure that she's very lovely and sensible.

Why say four to five? Why not just say,

"Go and get me five lemons, go and get me nine limes"?

That is exactly what I said when she said,

"What have you come back with 45 lemons and 89 limes for?"

Because you're right - you tell me, you know.

Why does she strike me about the head when I wake up?

Who knows the mysteries of a relationship.

Where did you get these citrus fruits from, Lee?

Was it a corner shop, a hypermarket or...?

Actually it was a hypermarket on the corner, so it was both.

-So you get back home.

-Yeah.

-And there's Mrs Mack and what...?

I mean, when you put your wares on the table, how does she react?

She said, "What...what...what are they?"

and I said "What do you think they are?

"Green ones are limes, yellow ones are lemons."

She said, "How many have you got?"

I said "I've got 45 lemons and 89 limes"

She said, "Sorry, are you saying four to five lemons and eight to nine limes?"

I said, "No, I'm saying 45 lemons and 89 limes."

-She said...

-Wow.

-She went, "You're an idiot.

"What am I supposed to do with all them?"

I said, "You tell me, you asked for 45 lemons and 89 limes."

"No, four to five lemons and eight to nine limes."

I said, "Sorry, can I check what you're saying?"

She said, "I'm saying four to five lemons and eight to nine limes."

-When it all became clear.

-Yeah, she said, "They're for drinks."

I said, "I know, but your family are alcoholics.

"I thought there was just loads of drinks going to be happening."

She went, "I was going to make something tarty."

-I think you'd have laughed about it rather than had a row.

-These things always happen in our house.

I remember saying to my wife I only wanted four to five kids

and now we run an orphanage.

-So what are you thinking, David?

-What do you think?

I just don't believe that she would say,

"Go and get eight to nine limes."

Sorry, can I just check, you saying 89 limes or eight to nine limes?

I can see it happening... I asked my husband once,

"Could you get me 89 Mars Bars?"

And he only got me eight.

-What are you thinking David?

-Well, we'll say lie.

-You say lie.

OK, Lee, was it truth or was it a lie?

It's a lie.

A lie?

-Lie.

-Yes, a lie. Lee didn't buy 45 lemons and 89 limes.

END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

Oh, and that noise signals time is up

and I can reveal that David's team

have won by four points to one.

But of course, it's not just a team game,

my individual liar of the week this week is Jo Brand.

Yes, Jo Brand.

First a BAFTA, now this - that's a downwards trajectory.

Good night.