The Art of Stand-Up - Part Two imagine...


The Art of Stand-Up - Part Two

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Transcript


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This programme contains some very strong language

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The process of writing is you sit in a room and you fire ideas out.

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Anal sex...

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They don't start as stories, they start as...

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A Range Rover...

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...little observations.

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Slush puppies.

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You can be either too funny or you don't feel you're giving

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enough content.

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Ah! Holy shit.

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It's nice but not necessary if there's a point.

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But Mrs Thatcher...

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That's a license for comedy not to be funny.

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In Britain if you don't like a comic you heckle them.

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In the Middle East we hang them.

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I invent almost nothing, I embroider...

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What's that star? It's the death star.

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What does it do? It does death!

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It's all stuff they can grab hold of.

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I have a flight tomorrow I have to get up at four.

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I'm 22 years old, I still live with my parents.

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The best comics will be able to take you on a journey,

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tell you something interesting, make you think.

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I'm here.

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In a way for me it was discovering I had almost nothing to say.

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You wanted to go out, you felt like going out, and now you've done it.

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We might not be as verbally smart as they are...

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But you have to go back.

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But our tradition is important.

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Steve, what is comedy?

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Mmmm.

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I'm loving being a part of this, this idea of elevating comedy to the status of art.

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Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke.

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What about the writing? Where do you get your material?

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Where do I get my crazy ideas?

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Where do you tend to draw your material from?

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Do you actually write it down?

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I'm at the beginning of the process of writing a new

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show which is the hardest part.

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People always think that the hard part is standing on stage

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because they can't imagine doing it themselves.

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That's fine, we're show-offs.

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I open my eyes as much as possible. I'm looking at everything.

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I start going, "Oh, shoes..." and any possible rubbish

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observation about floor boards or ceilings or anything.

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Ah, he's wearing glasses, I wonder if there were three lenses

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on glasses... It doesn't make any sense.

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Pylons, why are they that shape?

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Next door's wind chimes.

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They're that shape cos it's structurally sound!

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I found a big thing on material is the day before stuff happened.

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Like at the moment I'm doing the Stone Age and the day before

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the Stone Age when someone trips over a stone and goes "For fuck's sake!"

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Things happen to you in your life, bad things sometimes, and you're

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not thinking like a human being, you're suddenly thinking

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like a comic, what angle could I approach this from?

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I had no sense of inhibition about my private life,

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in fact that would be what I would mine entirely.

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My husband and I split up and I did jokes on Live At The Apollo.

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I remember I just liked the idea of an Indian bingo caller.

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Changing a light bulb.

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Import, export, cash and carry, send by truck or send by ferry,

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our chart, send it by freight 88.

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And you do that for a couple of months hopefully enough bare bones things appear.

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88. Then it had a bit more, "88."

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You are just spending every waking hour with,

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viewing everything in a skewed way.

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HE GIBBERS

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33

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It's just finding your voice and finding what it is

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that you want to say, or don't want to say, and in a way, for me,

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it was discovering I had almost nothing to say.

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I long to be on my own in a house sometimes.

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It's just ruined by little domestic things that you have to do.

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The washing machine finishes,

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I don't empty it, to be honest. I just switch it on again. Fuck it.

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Often, it's somewhat dismissed as "Oh, it's observational comedy"

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but when it's done well I think it's very exciting.

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If you watch it for 15 minutes, stock still. Nothing.

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Then you go to open it, it goes, wwwooooo!

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Things used to be quite simple, like buying a shampoo.

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Do you remember you used to be able to go into a shop,

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"Excuse me, can I have a shampoo?"

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They don't start as stories, they start as...

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as little observations.

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You go into Boots the chemist, there's about five lanes of shampoo,

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six deep.

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All different colours, things you never heard of in your life.

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Jojoba.

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Whatever happened to soap?

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Jojoba!

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I says, "What's jojoba?"

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In Glasgow, that's the month before November.

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I've always equated it to surfing, the kind of wave comes

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but I'm not listening to it, I'm not glorifying in it,

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let it wash over me, I'm listening to the sort of timbre of it.

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When it gets to a certain point I step onto it.

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"What kind of hair is it for?" I said, "pubic hair."

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What?

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Find that in your fancy labels, you bastard.

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Because they're talking to you,

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they're actually saying, "Oh, that was very good."

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And before they get the word good out - shhhhwt.

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Do you know what's always intrigued me?

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The way pubic hair only grows to a certain length and then stops.

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I think it would be brilliant, you know, if your pubic hair

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just kept growing,

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right out the legs of your trousers.

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And it starts to take shape

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and then it becomes a completely different thing than it started out.

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And you could brush it, you could you could brush it,

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a hundred strokes a night.

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And when Billy Connolly is there showing you doing his, you know,

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his routine, his grooming with the jojoba shampoo,

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you're there with him. You're in a room with 3,500 people

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but everybody is in the same place.

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You could back-comb it.

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When I think of Billy Connolly's shows,

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it's like when BBC1 shows all it's programmes again

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with the deaf woman standing next to it. It's like that.

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He's the woman in the corner telling the story,

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but I can see the stories that he's telling.

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That's what I remember about those routines.

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-Chi-ching!

-'That's amazingly powerful.'

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There's a lesson for us all there, don't squander your money

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on hair conditioners, wear underpants on your head.

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Don't you think?

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Ladies and gentleman, Jerry Seinfeld.

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He was one of the first people to talk about normal life

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in a way that sort, that took it away from very ordinary

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observational comedy and into something kind of modern.

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That there was a sort of modernity and an urban-ness, I guess -

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a New York sophisticated urban-ness, the way he talked about life.

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I love to travel, I love it whether it's a car

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or a plane, I like to get out there, I like to keep it moving.

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I love airports, I feel safe in airports,

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thanks to the high-calibre individuals we have working at X-ray security.

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How about this crack squad of savvy motivated personnel?

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The way you want to set up your airport security is you want

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the short heavy set woman at the front with the skin tight uniform.

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That's your first line of defence.

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You want those pants so tight the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open,

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you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life.

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When Jerry Seinfeld spends a lot of time thinking and focusing on a very

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small thing, he's saying this is the art of the inconsequential.

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That is both funny and in it is the seeds of comedy's own downfall,

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you are both doing something brilliant and sort of saying

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and that's why I won't win any awards and be considered

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as important as Beethoven.

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-No, but I will be a multi-multi millionaire. Not bad.

-Yeah, that's true!

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The Olympics is really my favourite sporting event.

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Although I think I have a problem with that silver medal.

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I think if I was an Olympic athlete I would rather come in last

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than win the silver, if you think about it.

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You know you win the gold, you feel good.

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You win the bronze you think, well, at least I got something.

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But you win that silver, that's like congratulations you almost won.

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Of all the losers, you came in first of that group.

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You're the number one loser.

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When people begin to write comedy

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a lot of the time they mistake that, the idea of the comicality of it,

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so what they do is they think what is in the community chest of shared knowledge

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that I can sort of tap into?

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When I was just started, people might talk about say

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train-spotters wearing anoraks as a kind of cliche.

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Whereas in fact what you should do is find something idiosyncratic

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about your own life and you put it in the dark and then you hope that people know about it.

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Michael McIntyre, he was talking about asking for directions.

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You have certain times when you're allowed to talk to people you don't know.

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The time is one, directions is another one, you can ask anyone directions.

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Now critics of Michael McIntyre will say that's why he's a generic

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comedian who deals with ordinary stuff.

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But he'd done quite a bit about asking for directions

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and then he got microscopic.

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Sometimes you don't need all the directions, you know quite a lot of the directions.

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For example, you know that where you need to be is over there.

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You just don't know where over there it is.

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So you call upon a stranger to help you.

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But then you'll say "Do you know the way?"

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And they immediately go, "Ah you want to go down there."

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And as soon as they've started talking you think this man knows nothing.

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I'm wasting my time with this person.

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But you can't stop him, you can't just go you're wrong,

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cos that's that makes you look like a weirdo.

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You can't go, "No, it isn't."

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Like I've just decided to quiz you on geography!

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A-ahh, you don't know where you are!

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You have to listen to them to tell you the whole thing

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and not only that when they finish you have to walk the wrong way!

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You can't have someone go, "You want to go straight down there" and go, "Thank you so much."

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It's brilliant observation but it's also someone who's

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clearly thought asking for directions, I'm going to find

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the sort of deep specifics, I'm going go to the deep space of asking for directions

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until I find something so complicated and baroque

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about what you get into that it'll be really funny and new.

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And that is where that observation becomes a brilliant art form.

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Eddie is a natural comedian because he understands

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the juxtaposition of reality and craziness.

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He understands humour.

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There's gotta be some reality against some flight of fantasy.

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The Death Star's almost like a New York name,

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the Death Star, get to the point.

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What's that star? It's the death star. What does it do? It does death!

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It does death, buddy. Get outta my way!

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You with your centilitres and your millilitres

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and your fucking combine harvesters.

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I used to hitch up from London to Sheffield Uni for about three

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or four years and it was getting off at service stations,

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or being dropped off service stations and it was

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Darth Vader probably at Leicester Forest East service station.

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There must have been a Death Star canteen.

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There must have been a cafeteria downstairs in between battles

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where Darth Vader could just chill and go down, "I will have the Penne Alla Arrabiata."

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- "You'll need a tray." - "Do you know who I am?"

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The first stand up I got into was Eddie Izzard, I remember

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saving up for his VHS tapes.

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"I can kill you with a single thought."

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"Well, you'll still need a tray."

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"No, I will not need a tray, I do not need a tray to kill you."

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And I was really intrigued by how he was making what he was saying,

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I didn't know why it was funny and I just felt like I needed to figure it out.

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Because he was so unique and so original.

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"I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the force which is strong within me.

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"Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished

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"for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit

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"until the blood flowed upon the canteen floor."

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"The food is hot, you'll need a tray to put the food on."

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"Oh, see the food is hot, I'm sorry I did not realise."

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I transcribed a couple of the tapes just to figure out what he was

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doing cos it just seemed so, it wasn't like set up punch,

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it was like what's he doing, I still don't know really,

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I'd underline words and go, well, is that the rule of three?

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It should be establish, reaffirm and you kill it on the third.

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But you can do it on the fourth. "He was tall, he was handsome, he was an idiot."

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"He was tall, he was handsome, he was splendid, he was an idiot."

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"He was tall, he was handsome, he was splendid,

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"he could play football, he was an idiot."

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You can you can do it to five, I think you do it to si...

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After a while people might get bored

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but you can keep reaffirming before you twist.

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I am Lord Vader, everyone challenges me to a fight to the death.

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Lord Vader, Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader, Lord Vader, Sir Lord Vader,

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Sir Lord Dark Vader, Lord Darth, Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheam,

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Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham, the Death Star, I run the death star.

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"What's the Death Star?" This is the Death Star, you're in the death star, I run this star.

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This is a star? This is a fucking star, I run it, I'm your boss.

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"You're Mr Stevens?"

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No, I'm... Who is Mr Stevens?

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"He's head of catering." I'm not head of catering.

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I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.

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"What?"

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I can kill you all, I can kill me with a thought just fu...

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I'll get a tray, fuck it.

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My scientific theory, you have a theory

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and then see if you can prove it.

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Humour is human, it's not national, there is no French sense of humour,

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there's no British sense of humour, no American

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no Australian, no Indian sense of humour.

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It can quite easily be proven.

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Is the British sense of humour is it Python or is it Jim Davidson?

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You tell me.

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Well, exactly. There's obviously a few different senses of humour

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and I'm putting my money where my mouth is doing gigs in French.

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It all leads round to I thought I should do it in French,

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I should do it in German, which I did at school.

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I want to do Russian, Arabic cos I was born in an Arabic country,

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Spanish, Mandarin's right at the end of the list.

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I don't know if I'll get to all of them but I hopefully will.

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HE SPEAKS IN BROKEN FRENCH

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For fuck's sake!

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I can see why the French would like the show anyway because...

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There's a lot of philosophy in what you do.

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Yeah, it's a humanists' kind of show.

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So you were on the street before you were in the clubs?

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-Yeah, five years on the street.

-Five years?

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Yeah, four and a half, five years. That gives me...that gives me a huge edge.

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-Roberto!

-Eduardo!

-En Garde!

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I thought it looked really easy. Wonderful - you stand on a street,

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you do stuff, everyone laughs and laughs, they give you cash.

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If you stay back there, we're going to do the show here.

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It's very hard to hold their attention

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because they can do anything - there's no walls, they didn't pay.

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They pay at the end if they pay and so you have to do stuff.

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Say, "We're going to kill this kid", and then they laugh.

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The idea of killing the kid - it's like Tom and Jerry. You can

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threaten massive violence and they just laugh their socks off.

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It's a really odd thing.

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I ended up getting up on a huge unicycle

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and trying to escape from a pair of manacles.

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My name is Eddie Izzard.

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It's a rather strange name - it's got two Zs in it.

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-Are you ready?

-I certainly am, old chap.

-Are you steady?

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-This is an enormous build-up, isn't it?

-Go!

-OK.

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-CROWD:

-Five, four, three, two, one!

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I'd been in the comedy clubs and the stand-ups were revered

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and speciality acts like us were treated like, oh, you're just

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the idiot who's coming on in between the people with the words.

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I just thought, I've got to be on that side of the fence.

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You really do believe that comedy is universal, do you?

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That we can find a way of communicating with everyone?

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I'm really trying to formulate my philosophy on life,

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my attitude towards life. So, melting pot? Great.

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I think that's a positive idea. I think that's the future for us.

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I think Europe should be a massive Manhattan.

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The world should be a massive Manhattan -

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the idea of everyone working together, different languages, different skills.

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It should touch, get through to progressive audiences

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all around the world. They're out there and I can go and find them.

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Can I tell you guys jokes? Can I tell you jokes today, sir?

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-These are good jokes. Can I tell you jokes today, miss? OK.

-Another day.

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America invented stand-up, you know? stand-up and jazz are the two

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great American art forms of the 20th century.

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It's theirs.

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Can I tell you guys jokes today? All right.

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American is the mother tongue of stand-up comedy for me, you know?

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And my...favourite, favourite comedians

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are from the American tradition.

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-I'll do two jokes for 50 cents.

-Have you got any 25 cent jokes?

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-I'll do one joke for 25 cents.

-How about 12 cents?

0:20:440:20:47

I won't tell you any jokes for 12 cents.

0:20:470:20:49

-You can't tell me a joke for 12 cents?

-I can't.

0:20:490:20:52

Office workers are always doing stand- up bits

0:20:520:20:54

at their Christmas parties.

0:20:540:20:55

It's very much part of their... cultural upbringing.

0:20:550:21:00

Can I tell you jokes today, miss? Yeah? Come on over.

0:21:000:21:04

Did you see the Royal couple's visiting a rodeo when they come to the US?

0:21:040:21:08

-Mm-hmmm.

-They don't care about the show.

0:21:080:21:10

They've just never seen poor people in real life.

0:21:100:21:12

It's not a collaborative art, it's very individualistic

0:21:120:21:18

and I think that's also why it's a very popular American form.

0:21:180:21:22

The writer and the performer are the same person

0:21:220:21:25

and there's no interference. It's all yours and you stand or you fall on it.

0:21:250:21:29

It sort of has a little bit of that cowboy spirit in it, too.

0:21:290:21:33

The advantage of New York City is that there is

0:21:350:21:39

a lot of opportunity for stage time and no comedian can become a comedian

0:21:390:21:43

without access to those precious minutes on stage.

0:21:430:21:46

The comedians that come out of New York, there's a style, for sure.

0:21:480:21:51

You gotta deliver, you know?

0:21:510:21:54

You can't mess around too much here.

0:21:540:21:56

It's always innovative, it's always moving forward,

0:21:560:21:59

it's a little more aggressive.

0:21:590:22:01

-Reservations?

-Yes.

-What's your name?

-Gina Antoniello.

0:22:030:22:06

I hate the first spot. It's awful. It's the sacrificial lamb.

0:22:090:22:12

I spent a little bit too much time at Starbucks over the last

0:22:120:22:15

five hours and it's... it's fun over there.

0:22:150:22:17

It's fun. Like when you give your order

0:22:170:22:20

and sometimes they ask for your name.

0:22:200:22:22

This morning, I gave them my Hebrew name.

0:22:220:22:24

I was like," I'll have a decaff latte." "Sure, can I get your name?"

0:22:240:22:27

"Yeah, Elazar Yaakov Ben Shlomo."

0:22:270:22:29

She's like, "Erm, do you have a nickname or something?"

0:22:320:22:36

"Well, my friends call me Jew bastard."

0:22:380:22:41

"I'm not writing that on the cup, sir."

0:22:430:22:47

"All right, fine. Then you could use my American Indian name,

0:22:490:22:52

"Puts Nothing In Tip Jar."

0:22:520:22:54

A minute later, I hear, "One decaff latte for a Jew bastard."

0:22:570:23:01

I love the notion of writing a joke and then going up

0:23:040:23:07

and telling it and it's just that immediate boom, boom, no notes

0:23:070:23:12

from idiot network people and it was just like...there's nothing like it!

0:23:120:23:17

Every accent has a weird relationship to one letter.

0:23:170:23:20

Like the Russians, the Russian accent, that's the letter Y.

0:23:200:23:23

They take the letter Y and they put it between every other letter.

0:23:230:23:26

Take any sentence, like, "This traffic is unbelievable."

0:23:260:23:29

It'd be like, "This traffyic is unybelievyable!

0:23:290:23:32

"I canynot beliyeve yit!

0:23:340:23:37

"We've beeyn sitting here for fifteyen minyutes."

0:23:390:23:43

The Israeli accent, they take Ms

0:23:430:23:44

and put it not between every other letter between every other word.

0:23:440:23:48

"M want M to M go M to M get M and M..."

0:23:480:23:53

What do you want, a bag of M and Ms? What the hell are you talking about?

0:23:530:23:58

Comedy, to me, feels like playing hooky from school.

0:23:580:24:01

You just...you can be funny. You can be the funny guy,

0:24:010:24:04

the thing that's different from all the straight stuff that's going on.

0:24:040:24:09

I've got my wife, I've got two little girls and two girl cats and me.

0:24:090:24:14

Just like I dreamed of when I was a little boy.

0:24:170:24:20

I used to sit alone at night and think to myself, I can't wait till

0:24:200:24:25

I get rid of all my friends and just move into a house filled with girls.

0:24:250:24:30

Just a home filled with emotion and eye-flashing mood tantrums

0:24:300:24:35

and a hatred of everything I enjoy.

0:24:350:24:38

It all comes from me and, you know, my life. So every time...

0:24:440:24:48

every place that I am and everything that I'm going through,

0:24:480:24:52

it kind of reflects that, you know?

0:24:520:24:55

Now I'm in the middle of being a new parent and living in New York City.

0:24:550:24:59

It's scary when they have nightmares.

0:24:590:25:01

They come in in the middle of the night and stand at the foot of my bed.

0:25:010:25:04

That's terrifying. They want comforting things

0:25:040:25:07

from their father, like, "You'll be OK, honey."

0:25:070:25:10

But when you get woken up out of a dead sleep by a tiny,

0:25:100:25:13

screaming, crying, shadow person,

0:25:130:25:15

your reaction is more like, "What are you?!"

0:25:150:25:18

When you watch a really good comic and he's just being...

0:25:200:25:23

It seems like he's just telling a story, he's being natural and...

0:25:230:25:27

There's jokes in there. There's jokes in all of it.

0:25:270:25:30

Now she has two reasons to be afraid.

0:25:300:25:32

One, whatever weird dreams she had and now the giant man in his underpants

0:25:320:25:35

pinning her to the ground. "Leave my family alone!"

0:25:350:25:39

Everything comes from stand-up. Being a comedian is

0:25:420:25:44

almost like getting your Bachelor's degree. You can do anything else.

0:25:440:25:48

People become writers.

0:25:480:25:49

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.

0:25:490:25:53

But no-one will do it.

0:25:550:25:58

My girlfriend now is great.

0:25:590:26:02

My girlfriend now is awesome.

0:26:020:26:04

If I had to nitpick, I'd say sometimes she's, like, a little bit too sensitive.

0:26:040:26:08

Like the other day, she got her hair cut.

0:26:080:26:11

Got two inches trimmed off of her hair

0:26:110:26:14

and then came home and cried about it for two hours.

0:26:140:26:19

Over a haircut. I couldn't believe it.

0:26:190:26:22

Finally, I went to her. I said, "Baby, what are you so upset about?

0:26:220:26:25

"It's just a haircut.

0:26:250:26:27

"I'm the one that's got to find a new girlfriend.

0:26:270:26:30

I will work, you know, for months to find a joke about breast cancer.

0:26:310:26:36

Something that I can make people laugh at that's the worst thing imaginable.

0:26:360:26:40

That's the challenge. That's when you get that great tension

0:26:400:26:43

when the laugh is just this guttural... You don't want to laugh at it

0:26:430:26:47

but you have to.

0:26:470:26:48

Did you guys have a good father's day last weekend? I enjoyed it.

0:26:480:26:52

My...my dad's been having a hard time lately.

0:26:520:26:55

Keeps on losing his keys, you know?

0:26:550:26:58

Literally can't hang on to a set of car keys to save his life.

0:26:580:27:01

And he's tried everything, too.

0:27:010:27:02

Little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed,

0:27:020:27:08

one of those key chains, makes a noise when you whistle.

0:27:080:27:12

Nothing worked.

0:27:120:27:13

So finally this year, for father's day, the whole family

0:27:130:27:17

chipped in and we put him in a home.

0:27:170:27:20

When they killed Bin Laden, they found porn on his computers.

0:27:240:27:28

And I'm dying to know what he was watching.

0:27:290:27:33

Cos I have to know if Bin Laden and I

0:27:330:27:35

had any cross-over titles, which would either make me

0:27:350:27:41

really creepy or him a little cooler than I thought he was.

0:27:410:27:45

He was in that shitty apartment, he had no air conditioning,

0:27:470:27:51

no cell phone, no internet connection, three wives,

0:27:510:27:55

23 children. You know who called the SEALs?

0:27:550:27:58

He did. Yeah, I know where Bin Laden is.

0:27:580:28:04

He's looking into a mirror crying again.

0:28:050:28:09

He's got three PMS-ing women at the same time.

0:28:090:28:12

I'll give you the exact address. Just promise to shoot

0:28:120:28:15

wife number two first.

0:28:150:28:17

It's cathartic, in a way.

0:28:220:28:24

You know, I think comedians,

0:28:240:28:26

they're kinda like dialysis machines in a way for the culture, you know?

0:28:260:28:29

All of this stuff comes into them and they process it and they clean it up.

0:28:290:28:33

And it's going through their system and it comes out. The blood

0:28:330:28:36

is clean, it's better, it's stronger and healthier but it's theirs.

0:28:360:28:40

It's funny - you can really tell

0:28:550:28:58

what a society thinks about the race issue based on their census.

0:28:580:29:02

So, look - this is the UK census. This is one of the first questions it keys in.

0:29:020:29:06

How would you describe your national identity?

0:29:060:29:09

English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish, British, Other.

0:29:090:29:12

Well, first of all, this is just different types of white people.

0:29:120:29:16

Most of the planet is Other. What are you saying, UK?

0:29:160:29:18

This basically says, please be white, for the love of God

0:29:180:29:20

and country, please be white.

0:29:200:29:23

The Queen would prefer it.

0:29:230:29:24

People call me political.

0:29:250:29:27

I certainly see agenda-based comedy, which I feel like is what

0:29:270:29:30

I really think of it as. Comedy that has a agenda, has a point

0:29:300:29:33

and wants you to think differently once you leave.

0:29:330:29:35

You don't believe me? Look at the next question. Please be white.

0:29:350:29:39

English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish, British, Irish, Gypsy

0:29:390:29:42

or Irish traveller, any other white background, please be white.

0:29:420:29:46

You don't believe me? Here's the next question.

0:29:460:29:49

Are you at least mixed with white?

0:29:490:29:50

It would be the nice thing to do,

0:29:500:29:52

just be mixed with a little bit of white.

0:29:520:29:54

Are you Asian? Black?

0:29:540:29:57

This is my favourite - are you other or Arab? Ah!

0:29:570:30:02

Come on, UK! As obsessed as you are with Arab people, you stick them

0:30:020:30:05

in the Other under Other category.

0:30:050:30:08

That's fucking rude.

0:30:080:30:10

And I think America certainly has a proud tradition of that,

0:30:100:30:13

going back to Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, through George Carlin, so I think that

0:30:130:30:17

there is a strong through line of that in American comedy.

0:30:170:30:21

Mort Sahl was a standard-bearer. He was...

0:30:230:30:26

He carried the political banner and it was fearless,

0:30:260:30:30

and would actually assail the President, which had a lot...

0:30:300:30:36

Very nervy, because I figured, well, the FBI will be camping on

0:30:360:30:39

his door for the next 23 years, you know?

0:30:390:30:42

When he was elected, President Kennedy, he didn't promise

0:30:420:30:46

us an easy road and he said he's going to demand a lot of us.

0:30:460:30:50

We didn't always know what he meant, you know?

0:30:500:30:53

But he's usually ahead of us.

0:30:530:30:55

For instance, he knew that it would take a week to go to the moon

0:30:550:30:58

and come back with a five-man crew.

0:30:580:31:01

Four men and a competitive woman. So...

0:31:010:31:03

The audience back then didn't know what stand-up comedy was either.

0:31:030:31:07

They were really sort of letting the performers do whatever they did

0:31:070:31:10

and not judging it by laughs per minute or by how many

0:31:100:31:13

drinks were sold at the bar. Like, they were just sort of, like,

0:31:130:31:17

they were sort of witnessing it.

0:31:170:31:18

They weren't coming from the tradition of stand-up as it currently existed.

0:31:180:31:22

Lenny Bruce was one of the ones who actually made that transition.

0:31:220:31:25

He had been a jokey-joke teller

0:31:250:31:28

and was not getting any success or really having any fun doing that

0:31:280:31:32

and he stepped over into the Mort Sahl tradition of, like, I'm a person

0:31:320:31:36

in the world who sees things. It becomes more personal,

0:31:360:31:39

because you're really talking about your specific perspective in your life.

0:31:390:31:43

Are there any niggers here tonight? What did he say?

0:31:450:31:49

Are there any niggers here tonight?

0:31:490:31:51

Jesus Christ, he had to get that low for laughs?

0:31:510:31:54

They told us what was heart-breaking

0:31:540:31:58

and what was heart-breakingly funny out of life, you know?

0:31:580:32:01

So it's a whole school of comedy, you know? The truth.

0:32:010:32:07

There's two nigger customers,

0:32:070:32:10

and, uh... But between those three niggers sits one kyke.

0:32:100:32:13

Phew! Thank God for the kyke.

0:32:130:32:15

That's two kykes and three niggers and one spic. One spic. Two, three spics.

0:32:150:32:21

One mick. One mick, one spic, one hic, fic, funky spunky boogey.

0:32:210:32:26

They set us free. They were like Elvis - they set you free.

0:32:270:32:32

They do a thing, that da-da-da-da-dun. You go, oh!

0:32:320:32:35

It was a religious experience, that comedy had turned a corner,

0:32:350:32:41

and it would never come back on the straight road again.

0:32:410:32:44

He was almost not a comedian, Lenny Bruce, wasn't he, you know?

0:32:440:32:48

He was like a lecturer.

0:32:480:32:50

I liked it when he said, "The world's sick and I'm the doctor."

0:32:500:32:54

And there was a lovely album sleeve of him

0:32:540:32:57

having a picnic in a graveyard.

0:32:570:32:59

I always thought, "God I wish I was as brave as that".

0:32:590:33:05

Just the photograph, never mind, you hadn't heard a word of the album yet

0:33:050:33:09

but there he was in the graveyard with his sandwiches.

0:33:090:33:11

Ladies and gentleman, here is the very shocking comedian,

0:33:110:33:14

the most shocking comedian of our time,

0:33:140:33:16

a young man who is sky rocketing to fame, Lenny Bruce here he is.

0:33:160:33:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:200:33:21

Will Elizabeth Taylor become Bar Mitzvahed?

0:33:260:33:30

LAUGHTER

0:33:300:33:31

No I promise continuity. I'll behave myself.

0:33:360:33:39

He was brave. Just to tackle religion in those days you

0:33:410:33:44

know in the late 40s and 50s that was very brave and I was

0:33:440:33:48

in San Francisco once and saw him and he was wonderful.

0:33:480:33:52

He said people, they wear a cross around their neck,

0:33:540:33:59

if it was a little later in society instead of the Romans,

0:33:590:34:04

then Christ was... He said, I wonder if Christ was electrocuted?

0:34:040:34:10

So on all these pointy buildings would there be an electric chair, would people

0:34:100:34:14

feel comfortable wearing a little electric chair round their neck?

0:34:140:34:17

I mean that's the kind of wonderful delicious mind that Lenny Bruce had.

0:34:170:34:23

You ever hate people so much you wish you had herpes just to give it to 'em?

0:34:320:34:36

I adopted a five year old Chinese girl -

0:34:380:34:41

yeah I needed help with my iPhone.

0:34:410:34:42

Who invited all these bad bitches to this wedding?

0:34:440:34:50

Huh? Oh I do.

0:34:500:34:52

In the 70s in LA there was a comedy explosion, The Comedy Store

0:34:580:35:03

was the place to be, people like Jim Carrey, Robin Williams

0:35:030:35:05

and then Richard Pryor hit the scene and they were explosive individuals

0:35:050:35:11

who had no place to go with their bodies and their minds. That was it.

0:35:110:35:15

Please welcome Mr Jim Carrey.

0:35:170:35:18

I'm really thrilled to be here

0:35:220:35:23

because The Comedy Store is very special to me.

0:35:230:35:26

When I was a teenager I used to watch people like Richard Pryor

0:35:260:35:30

and Robin Williams on television and think, "I can do that".

0:35:300:35:35

But to actually come here and meet these people is amazing you know.

0:35:350:35:42

I got a lawyer, first week the motherfucker brought me

0:35:440:35:48

a bill for 40,000. I said, "Motherfucker I just met you!"

0:35:480:35:54

And lawyers they don't get upset, right.

0:35:560:35:59

"God damn it! Why...?"

0:35:590:36:01

"Don't worry, everything will be alright."

0:36:010:36:06

"No but I want to know why you...?"

0:36:060:36:09

"Take it easy."

0:36:090:36:10

And you leave there feeling there feeling like a asshole.

0:36:100:36:13

You've been going, "What the fuck am I yelling about - they calm.

0:36:130:36:16

"I'm just facing 47 years."

0:36:160:36:19

The big lesson of Richard Pryor that he really taught us

0:36:200:36:23

was how to be vulnerable on stage. I don't think many comics have picked that up

0:36:230:36:27

cos I think that's really scary.

0:36:270:36:30

Also 99.9 % of people don't have any kind of biography that Richard Pryor has,

0:36:300:36:35

nothing close to... I mean not that he was lucky to be raised in

0:36:350:36:40

a whore house, I'm not saying that, but certainly that created a lot

0:36:400:36:44

of material for him to bounce off of from stand-up comedy you know.

0:36:440:36:47

It's nice to have pride about your shit.

0:36:470:36:50

I went home to the motherland and everybody should go home to

0:36:500:36:55

Africa, everybody, especially black people.

0:36:550:36:58

Really, man, there is so much to see there for the eye and the heart of the black people,

0:36:580:37:02

cos white people you go there and you get ideas,

0:37:020:37:04

"That's the way "the black people in America should be, walking about with sticks."

0:37:040:37:08

'He is able to speak the truth on stage in a way that'

0:37:080:37:13

I haven't seen anyone else do. Real innermost thought stuff

0:37:130:37:19

and such utter compassion.

0:37:190:37:23

One thing I got of out of it was magic.

0:37:250:37:28

I like to share with you. I was leaving

0:37:280:37:29

and I was sitting in a hotel and a voice said to me,

0:37:290:37:34

"Look around, what do you see?"

0:37:340:37:36

And I said I see all colours of people doing everything.

0:37:370:37:41

And a voice said, "Do you see any niggers?" And I said, "No".

0:37:410:37:47

And he said, "You know why? Cos there aren't any." And it hit me

0:37:470:37:54

like a shot, man. I started crying and shit, I was sitting there.

0:37:540:37:58

I said, "Yeah, I've been here three weeks, I haven't even said it, I haven't even thought it."

0:37:580:38:03

And it made me say. "Oh my God, I been wrong. I been wrong, I got

0:38:030:38:08

"to regroup my shit". I say "I ain't never call another black man nigger".

0:38:080:38:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:140:38:15

'The fact that he had the self awareness and the thought to experience that'

0:38:180:38:24

and then want to share that experience, that to me makes such a

0:38:240:38:28

valuable comic. Someone who's curious about bettering themselves

0:38:280:38:33

and learning something about themselves and is able to impart

0:38:330:38:36

that knowledge to other people is really quite an art form.

0:38:360:38:40

Does it have to get a laugh?

0:38:400:38:41

If you're Richard Pryor, not necessarily.

0:38:430:38:46

Next guest is making his first appearance

0:38:570:38:59

on the Tonight Show. He's worked a lot of clubs in New York Los Angeles.

0:38:590:39:02

Welcome him please - Jerry Seinfeld.

0:39:020:39:04

In the 70s, the early 80s Johnny Carson was the place to be.

0:39:060:39:10

If you weren't on the show you couldn't get any exposure.

0:39:100:39:13

On the other hand if you were you could break any act

0:39:130:39:16

and it would be the most amazing experience for your career.

0:39:160:39:19

Any drugs? Bingo you got me!

0:39:190:39:21

'If Carson liked you you could tell. The camera would cut to him.'

0:39:240:39:28

Jerry Seinfeld, thank you, Jerry, take a bow.

0:39:280:39:31

'If Johnny endorsed you that meant that the agenting community

0:39:340:39:37

'and the producing community knew - we watch the show, we were there

0:39:370:39:42

'and we noticed and there'd be a bit of a hustle around those people.'

0:39:420:39:45

Would you welcome please, Louie Anderson... Ellen Degeneres...

0:39:450:39:50

Gary is from Tucson Arizona.

0:39:500:39:52

Will you welcome Rich Hall?

0:39:520:39:54

'If they were smart they had a manager at that time,'

0:39:540:39:58

but some of them didn't, they were just raw.

0:39:580:40:00

She's a housewife from Denver Colorado who started appearing

0:40:000:40:04

in a local nightclub called the Comedy Works in Denver about

0:40:040:40:06

three or four years ago and she moved out here to Hollywood where

0:40:060:40:09

she's been working at The Comedy Store and this is her very first

0:40:090:40:12

appearance on national television. Would you welcome Roseanne Barr?

0:40:120:40:16

So I'm fat, I thought I'd point that out.

0:40:180:40:20

Roseanne was a stand-up, not terribly successful at that point,

0:40:220:40:27

about to break. This is where you want 'em it's like the wave.

0:40:270:40:30

Women we lie to men all the time you know. It's not that we mean to

0:40:300:40:35

to or anything, it's just that it takes too long to explain the truth.

0:40:350:40:39

'And she was funny, she was like a domestic goddess,

0:40:410:40:44

'that was her character.'

0:40:440:40:46

Yeah so it's like, "Oh you're the best lover

0:40:470:40:49

"I ever had. It's never been like this. Stop stop you're killing me(!)"

0:40:490:40:53

There were two things missing in American television.

0:40:550:40:59

There hadn't been a female lead since Mary Tyler Moore in the 70s,

0:40:590:41:01

not one, so ten years go by and there's not a female

0:41:010:41:05

lead for ten years and then there were also no working class people.

0:41:050:41:08

'She came along just at the right time.

0:41:080:41:11

'She wasn't an actress but she did have something to say.

0:41:110:41:14

I works every single God damn day."

0:41:140:41:18

'You can hear that as a sort of a monologue in everybody's head

0:41:180:41:21

'so the laughter of recognisability was ours for the taking.

0:41:210:41:26

What's the point here Roseanne?

0:41:280:41:29

There is no point OK? No point!

0:41:320:41:34

The point is you think this is a magic kingdom

0:41:390:41:45

-where you just sit up here on your throne.

-Oh yeah?

0:41:450:41:49

Yeah. And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard.

0:41:490:41:53

Oh, the laundry's folded, the dinner's on the table.

0:41:530:41:57

You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner, I'm fixing dinner!

0:41:570:42:00

Oh, honey you just fixed dinner three years ago(!)

0:42:000:42:04

That's what stand-up does I think as well.

0:42:080:42:12

It makes people who would have been the side character

0:42:120:42:16

centre stage. And so Roseanne it's Roseanne, or the Cosby Show,

0:42:160:42:20

Bill Cosby isn't just the black guy on a show, he's Bill Cosby,

0:42:200:42:24

and so it puts people, or it can, if you take that opportunity

0:42:240:42:27

and you're really funny, you can be the centre of

0:42:270:42:31

a world where you would have been a side person.

0:42:310:42:35

Just tell me you're joking, aren't you joking?

0:42:350:42:37

Shh, just stop talking.

0:42:370:42:39

He's probably just joking. Is he? Does he want a banana maybe?

0:42:390:42:44

Mum sit down hovering all the time.

0:42:440:42:46

Mm, fine. I mustn't hover.

0:42:460:42:49

No.

0:42:490:42:50

He says he's quitting his show.

0:42:500:42:51

I'm so tired, I don't enjoy it anymore.

0:42:510:42:54

But my Kalooki group. That's all we talk about.

0:42:540:42:58

I just feel like it's become a really mean show. I dunno who I am.

0:42:580:43:01

You're a presenter who takes the piss out of people, hello!

0:43:010:43:04

People congratulate me for being mean.

0:43:040:43:06

You're not mean. You're cheeky. People love it.

0:43:060:43:10

-They do.

-It's not very Buddhist.

0:43:100:43:12

You're not a Buddhist, you're a cheeky TV presenter.

0:43:120:43:15

At first I thought it was me about two years ago,

0:43:150:43:18

so I could have a distance, and I'd think that guy was

0:43:180:43:20

an idiot and I now have a level of self awareness. I've realised since

0:43:200:43:24

that I'm still the same idiot. It's me but I'm not a stand-up comedian

0:43:240:43:28

in the sitcom. What is very truthful is that it's all coming

0:43:280:43:32

from very real emotion and it's coming from very truthful feelings.

0:43:320:43:36

So part of the thing was learning about compassion.

0:43:360:43:39

Oh we're still talking about this.

0:43:390:43:41

-This is the thing now. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

0:43:410:43:43

I forgive you for the divorce.

0:43:430:43:46

What? What are you forgiving me for?

0:43:460:43:49

-It wasn't your fault.

-I know it wasn't.

0:43:490:43:52

OK, and also I'd like you to forgive me for all the anger and resentment that I've been holding onto.

0:43:520:43:57

You don't resent me. You'd better not resent me.

0:43:570:44:00

But you were just stupid kids.

0:44:000:44:02

-Right is that it? Fine.

-No where are you going?

0:44:020:44:05

And you know it wasn't your fault don't you?

0:44:050:44:08

-Oh yeah.

-It was your bastard father's fault.

0:44:080:44:10

Was it though?

0:44:100:44:11

Yes! I didn't go running off to Scotland every weekend to go canoeing with a slut did I?

0:44:110:44:15

-OK, but we're all human.

-No we're not.

0:44:150:44:18

No? Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Nobody thinks that they're the baddie.

0:44:180:44:21

-Why do you think he was like that?

-Oh I don't know, maybe he just liked rowing.

0:44:210:44:24

'It comes from years of arguments and debate and problems'

0:44:240:44:28

and detachment. It's coming from a very real place although

0:44:280:44:35

there's a fictional... We're creating fictional stories.

0:44:350:44:38

You realise your tax disc expired two days ago, sir?

0:44:380:44:40

Did it yeah, I was going to sort that out this afternoon.

0:44:400:44:43

No you didn't understand me. Your tax disc expired two days ago.

0:44:430:44:46

You're committing an offence by having this vehicle on the road.

0:44:460:44:49

I've always seen Rick, the character of Rick, in Lead Balloon

0:44:490:44:52

as a kind of "what if" version of myself

0:44:520:44:57

and someone who lives with permanent disappointment

0:44:570:45:02

and permanent hope that things will get better

0:45:020:45:06

and this sort of chronic cycle of huge optimism which is

0:45:060:45:13

constantly being dashed as soon as everything goes wrong for him again.

0:45:130:45:18

Get back to the matter.

0:45:180:45:19

No come on what exactly is it you do?

0:45:190:45:22

I provide back up for police officers in situations...

0:45:220:45:24

Admit it, you wanted to be a policeman didn't you?

0:45:240:45:27

With the blue lashing light and the ne-naw siren.

0:45:270:45:30

# Ne-naw, ne-naw, ne-naw, ne-naw. #

0:45:300:45:32

Sir I would advise you to...

0:45:320:45:34

Tell you what, why don't you just potter off back

0:45:340:45:36

to the fancy dress shop and ask for a refund or change it for a wizard's costume

0:45:360:45:40

so people take you a bit more seriously?

0:45:400:45:43

Can we please get back to the matter of your car tax please, sir?

0:45:430:45:46

No. I don't want to. Now what are you going to do?

0:45:460:45:51

VOICE ON POLICE RADIO

0:45:530:45:55

'It sort of became much more about someone else in the end.'

0:45:560:46:01

But there's a confessional thing in there that there's in Rick

0:46:010:46:04

there's is a character who actually, when push

0:46:040:46:08

comes to shove he's actually not very talented and I suppose that's a

0:46:080:46:12

fear that that everyone lives with. I certainly live with that fear.

0:46:120:46:15

Oh we have a comedian in our midst.

0:46:180:46:20

Let me ask you what do you do for a living?

0:46:200:46:23

I am a comedian.

0:46:230:46:26

Very funny, but joking aside what's your line of work?

0:46:260:46:30

No that's what I do, I am a comedian.

0:46:300:46:32

Listen sunshine. We can do this the fun way or I can make your day with me a misery.

0:46:320:46:36

So what do you do for a job of work?

0:46:360:46:42

I'm a sales rep. I sell biscuits.

0:46:440:46:47

Mm, that's better. So when you're driving around selling your biscuits...

0:46:470:46:53

I rarely remember a moment when stand-up both on TV and out there in

0:46:550:47:00

all kinds of venues, large and small, has been as popular as it is today.

0:47:000:47:05

No it's huge. There's never been a time like this.

0:47:050:47:08

There was a point in the late 80s when Friday Night Live,

0:47:080:47:12

Saturday Night Live were happening that it seemed

0:47:120:47:16

it was incredibly exciting and fashionable, but it never...

0:47:160:47:20

It didn't become the enormous thing that it is now.

0:47:200:47:22

It's the way that we treat stand-up. Live At The Apollo,

0:47:220:47:25

which is a fantastic show, came along and just made it look like the

0:47:250:47:28

most exciting thing you could go and see.

0:47:280:47:30

-They didn't try and make it look like rock and roll.

-They tried to make it look like showbiz.

0:47:300:47:35

'People with names in lights behind them and

0:47:370:47:41

'a huge crowd and enormous swooping crane shots at the at the beginning

0:47:410:47:45

'to give you, the television viewer a sense of, "Wow what a place to be".

0:47:450:47:49

Thank you very much. I believe that London is currently living under an

0:47:540:47:59

incredible climate of fear that it has never experienced before.

0:47:590:48:06

Went into a sandwich shop the other day and all I wanted was a crab salad sandwich.

0:48:060:48:12

The woman says, "We're all out of crab salad...I'm afraid".

0:48:120:48:15

'I tend to think that all comedy on television as far as stand-up goes'

0:48:180:48:22

is just like walking into a room and passing out calling cards

0:48:220:48:29

saying, "Come see me, come see me,

0:48:290:48:32

"come see me in a crappy, sweaty room instead of on this box".

0:48:320:48:38

Well as a dog returns to its vomit and a washed sow goes back to

0:48:380:48:42

wallowing in the mud, let's meet the team who can't leave well alone.

0:48:420:48:46

Jo Brand...Sean Lock...

0:48:460:48:53

-Rich Hall...and Alan Davies.

-Thank you.

0:48:530:48:59

Joining me tonight are six of the country's top comedy performers -

0:48:590:49:02

Andy Parsons, Fred MacAulay, Russell Howard and

0:49:020:49:04

Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Shappi Khorsandi. Welcome to the show.

0:49:040:49:10

The days where you could go, there was one show,

0:49:100:49:12

here Parkinson, there Johnny Carson,

0:49:120:49:15

that you go on this one show and then... Those are gone.

0:49:150:49:18

Because it's just the audiences are just so fragmented now and you

0:49:180:49:22

don't get the water cooler moment of it, but you do have the long term.

0:49:220:49:25

It will be repeated so often that there's

0:49:250:49:27

hardly an episode that hasn't been on a million times at this stage

0:49:270:49:30

and you will by attritional reasons alone get into people's heads.

0:49:300:49:36

I don't want to be a TV star. A lot of people do,

0:49:360:49:39

they just want to be on TV, and if that's the case,

0:49:390:49:42

then don't do stand-up, because it's really hard, you know?

0:49:420:49:46

It's great to do television

0:49:460:49:48

because you feel like you're doing a job that most people

0:49:480:49:52

in the world would want to be doing and that is, that's a nice feeling.

0:49:520:49:57

But I like to think that the core is stand-up comedy

0:49:570:50:00

and I've developed a weird relationship with stand-up comedy

0:50:000:50:04

because I don't do it enough, in my opinion,

0:50:040:50:06

and although I love it, I have a guilt relationship,

0:50:060:50:10

it's like phoning my mother, you know, were she alive,

0:50:100:50:12

I don't feel I... I don't feel I see my stand-up comedy enough.

0:50:120:50:16

I don't call her often enough,

0:50:160:50:18

I don't give her the attention she deserves.

0:50:180:50:20

And that is because I believe I kind of... I owe, I owe stand-up,

0:50:200:50:27

it all comes from stand-up.

0:50:270:50:29

I'm a stand-up comedian who did telly,

0:50:290:50:32

I'm a stand-up comedian who wrote books, I'm a stand-up comedian

0:50:320:50:35

who wrote a newspaper column, but always I'm a stand-up comedian.

0:50:350:50:38

Every night, you're trying to find the one time deal.

0:50:380:50:41

Every night, you're trying to find a room

0:50:410:50:43

and an event that will never happen again,

0:50:430:50:45

and you want people to leave that room feeling like

0:50:450:50:48

they've not seen a joke teller, but they've seen a comedian,

0:50:480:50:51

they've seen something happen in that room

0:50:510:50:54

that nobody else is going to see.

0:50:540:50:56

And that's... that's the quest,

0:50:560:50:58

and when it goes right, it's the best.

0:50:580:51:00

PIANO PLAYING IN ROOM

0:51:240:51:26

A piano is being played.

0:51:340:51:36

-Monsieur Alan.

-Oui.

-How are you doing? Good to see you.

0:51:360:51:41

-Do you speak English?

-Oui, je... yeah, I can speak English.

0:51:410:51:45

We were talking English before, weren't we, when we were in Paris?

0:51:450:51:48

I just wonder, after three months of that show,

0:51:480:51:51

whether or not you're going to be able to cope with English.

0:51:510:51:55

Yeah, well, I did, I did a warm up

0:51:550:51:57

for this Hollywood Bowl, wonderful venue in Bexhill-on-Sea.

0:51:570:52:02

-Are you nervous?

-No, I find nerves really boring.

0:52:020:52:07

Some people say, "Oh, it's good to be nervous,"

0:52:070:52:10

and I found that made me scared and I don't think comedy gets

0:52:100:52:13

good places with fear. I've done that, you know -

0:52:130:52:15

if I can do it in Paris, surely I can do it in English.

0:52:150:52:18

So what's the difference in going from those tiny venues in France,

0:52:180:52:23

from that tiny place to this, I mean... Do you have, is it the same shows in English?

0:52:230:52:27

Yeah, same show and the trick is, no difference.

0:52:270:52:31

If anyone's watching this and heading towards arenas doing spoken word,

0:52:310:52:35

just keep it that small, because the screens are that good

0:52:350:52:39

and the sound should be that good, it picks it all up. Just do it small, carry on.

0:52:390:52:43

-Can we go up and see it empty, before we see it full?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:52:430:52:47

-Yeah, so, look, that's...

-Oh, my God!

-You see that...

0:52:470:52:52

Amazing, Hendrix.

0:52:520:52:55

-He was just very cool.

-The Beatles, Hendrix...

-There's another,

0:52:550:52:59

I don't know if you can see that, that's a beautiful picture.

0:52:590:53:02

'The Rolling Stones, Frank Sinatra, Bob Dylan, Judy Garland,

0:53:020:53:09

'Monty Python, Stevie Wonder, The Beach Boys -

0:53:090:53:12

'the greats have all appeared here,

0:53:120:53:15

'but never, it seems, a solo stand-up show.

0:53:150:53:19

'Not till now.'

0:53:200:53:22

This is, this is beautiful, because that shape is perfect.

0:53:250:53:29

The arenas tend to go straight back and they feel cavernous,

0:53:290:53:32

like an aircraft hangar, and this does not feel like that.

0:53:320:53:35

This actually feels quite intimate, considering that you can fit 18,000 people in here.

0:53:350:53:40

Look, they've got tables and flowers in there. This is very polite, this bit.

0:53:400:53:44

-You must pay a lot more for those seats.

-Apparently so. And there's a walk bit round there,

0:53:440:53:49

I can walk round there and do it all.

0:53:490:53:52

Oh, a bit of U2 and Stones and going off amongst the people. Will you be doing that?

0:53:520:53:56

I think I've got to go out there, I feel I should, and go,

0:53:560:53:59

"There was an Englishman, there was an Irishman and a Scottish man

0:53:590:54:03

"and they went into a public house, ladies and gentlemen..."

0:54:030:54:06

You are amazing, though, you're standing here

0:54:060:54:08

and in about another hour, there's going to be

0:54:080:54:12

tens of thousands of people here and you're just looking...

0:54:120:54:16

Yeah, well, it's fun, it's... the more you do it, the more it's like they're coming to my house.

0:54:160:54:21

This is the Bowl, so this is the Bowl's house, but you make... you've got to own the stage.

0:54:210:54:27

I think this is stand-up in a theatrical setting with a rock'n'roll sensibility.

0:54:420:54:48

I just keep pushing it into bigger spaces, cos my ego is a problem.

0:54:480:54:53

DRAMATIC WALK-ON MUSIC

0:55:150:55:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:55:250:55:30

Hollywood Bowl!

0:55:350:55:37

Very, very sexy. I've got to say hello to this side, sorry.

0:55:400:55:44

Cos they started shouting through my microphone a bit too early.

0:55:440:55:47

In fact, I'm going to do this - da da da! One has to do this sometimes.

0:55:470:55:51

They built one.

0:55:510:55:53

This is very sexy, this is the special seats.

0:55:550:56:00

I will probably be doing stuff over your heads, I'm sorry, guys.

0:56:000:56:04

I'm not going to do this all the way along.

0:56:040:56:07

Hang on, I can't do this. I might just do the gig this way,

0:56:070:56:10

that'd be really freaky, wouldn't it?

0:56:100:56:14

But... what one could do is just run to the back.

0:56:140:56:18

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:56:180:56:21

What is he doing?

0:56:260:56:29

We've lost him.

0:56:420:56:44

He's gone.

0:56:440:56:46

-This was not planned, I take it?

-No.

0:56:460:56:51

-So he's 200 feet...

-Where is he?

-Oh, my God!

0:56:510:56:54

Oh, there he is.

0:56:540:56:56

A mad man has rushed into the crowd.

0:57:000:57:03

Now, this is...

0:57:030:57:05

If you're thinking of playing at the Hollywood Bowl,

0:57:050:57:09

don't do what I just did.

0:57:090:57:11

We have a very special chair set up,

0:57:130:57:15

this is how you get on at the Hollywood Bowl.

0:57:150:57:17

Motherfucker!

0:57:240:57:27

Anyway, so, two men go into a pub and...

0:57:280:57:32

That's quite an ice breaker, that.

0:57:320:57:36

Now, I gotta do comedy, was that a good idea?

0:57:360:57:40

You people here, you are out of the box thinkers,

0:57:420:57:45

because you're here watching the show. If not, you are lid thinkers,

0:57:450:57:49

you're nearly out of the box, but you're on the lid, going, "How's it going?

0:57:490:57:52

"Eddie, how's the walking around in dresses, doing gigs?

0:57:520:57:56

"Hollywood Bowl? All right, that's OK.

0:57:560:57:58

"Maybe I'll walk around in dresses and do the Hollywood Bowl."

0:57:580:58:02

Computers, they're so fast now.

0:58:050:58:07

PC, more regimented, pretty similar, the computers -

0:58:070:58:11

PC computer, open it up, Apple Macintosh, open it up, but portable computer.

0:58:110:58:15

Start it with a press button, start it with a press button.

0:58:150:58:18

With a PC, you have to turn a handle to get the thing going.

0:58:180:58:21

Apple Macintosh, more sexy, you can touch an Apple Macintosh and have sex and everyone's fine.

0:58:210:58:26

Then the colour changes - blue, blue, white, blue, blue, white,

0:58:260:58:31

blue, white and it stops, and it says, "Hang on, you've gotta sign a new agreement with iTunes."

0:58:310:58:37

Ladies and gentlemen of the Hollywood Bowl,

0:58:370:58:40

I have signed four million, five hundred and sixty three thousand, two hundred and twenty one

0:58:400:58:45

agreements with iTunes - what the fuck do they want? What do they want from us?

0:58:450:58:50

And there's the conditions there, you have to read the terms and conditions

0:58:500:58:54

and there's a little box - "Have you read the terms and conditions?"

0:58:540:58:57

And when we tick the "Yes, I've read the terms and conditions," a little part of each of us dies.

0:58:570:59:02

Because we are liars!

0:59:080:59:09

You cannot control your children - "Don't you lie to me!

0:59:120:59:15

"You said you didn't have a biscuit, you're covered in crumbs, you obviously had a biscuit."

0:59:150:59:20

"You said you'd read the terms and conditions a billion times."

0:59:200:59:24

The truth is, no-one here has ever read the terms and conditions,

0:59:270:59:32

no-one in Los Angeles has read the terms and conditions,

0:59:320:59:36

no-one in America, no-one in Europe, no-one in the world,

0:59:360:59:40

even God has not read the terms and conditions.

0:59:400:59:43

If he exists.

0:59:430:59:45

And even the lawyers who wrote the terms and conditions didn't read,

0:59:450:59:49

they just went like this, "I dunno, get some monkeys in to help, just put anything in there."

0:59:490:59:54

They just want stuff in there. There could be anything in there.

0:59:540:59:58

"We take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese." I accept!

0:59:581:00:01

"We will set fire to your testicles and call you Mr Jimjams." I accept!

1:00:011:00:05

"We will run your buttocks over with a casting iron and then send you to Japan."

1:00:051:00:09

I accept, whatever!

1:00:091:00:10

"Now you're called Jean-Claude Van Damme."

1:00:101:00:13

Jean-Claude Van Damme, OK!

1:00:131:00:15

There should be five boxes to tick -

1:00:151:00:16

"Have you read the terms and conditions?" Of course not!

1:00:161:00:20

There should be an "Of course not. Are you mad?"

1:00:201:00:23

"Have you read half the terms and conditions?"

1:00:231:00:26

"No, no, no, not really."

1:00:261:00:28

"Have you read one paragraph of the terms and conditions?" N-n-n-no!

1:00:281:00:33

"Have you read even one word of the terms and conditions?"

1:00:331:00:37

Actually, as you said over there, no.

1:00:371:00:40

"Have you NOT read the terms and conditions but you're OK with that?"

1:00:401:00:44

Yes.

1:00:441:00:45

The Stone Age, ladies and gentlepuns, the Stone Age.

1:00:501:00:54

Before the Stone Age, what the fuck did we do?

1:00:541:00:57

We must have beaten things to death. That's it, before the Stone Age, we didn't have tools,

1:00:571:01:01

we didn't have arms, weapons, nothing, just hands and feet.

1:01:011:01:04

I'll have to kill him on my own, I'll kill him on my own,

1:01:041:01:07

then I'll be a big hero, they'll make me king,

1:01:071:01:09

make me king of the tribe. Kill him on my own, OK.

1:01:091:01:11

Let's have a go.

1:01:111:01:13

Male or female bear?

1:01:131:01:15

Can't tell, no matter, here we go.

1:01:161:01:21

Oh, for fuck's sake! Bloody stone!

1:01:211:01:25

That was the beginning of the Stone Age.

1:01:301:01:33

Think about it, think about it,

1:01:331:01:35

that's must have been how it started,

1:01:351:01:37

stones have been there since the dawn of time.

1:01:371:01:41

Dinosaurs - too fucking stupid to pick up stones,

1:01:411:01:43

probably first three million years of us, lots of humans going...

1:01:431:01:46

and just carrying on.

1:01:461:01:48

One person on their own, going, "Ah! Ah! Ah!"

1:01:521:01:55

The Alexander Fleming of stone,

1:01:561:01:59

if you get that reference, which you win a cookie if you do.

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He discovered, um, penicillin.

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And nitro-glycerine. And termites. I dunno.

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So, stones, stones, fucking hell, a stone, bad for my foot,

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could be bad for the mammoth as well.

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This could be the beginning of an Age.

1:02:171:02:20

Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning.

1:02:241:02:27

Stuck in the swamp? Oh, it's awful, isn't it? Awful, yeah.

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I'm sorry, not much I can do, yeah. Steve, I'm Steve, yeah.

1:02:301:02:33

Your name? Mr Mammoth? OK.

1:02:331:02:35

Is that an owl over...?

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It works, it works, it works!

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"What is it, Steve?" I've invented something. "What?" This.

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"Ah, for fuck's sake!

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"You killed a mammoth with that? With a stone?

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"This could be the beginning of an Age!"

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Everyone's saying that.

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"We've gotta give it a name, Steve, we gotta call it

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"something like he Age When Big Things Fall Over...

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"the Big Things Falling Over... the Big Things Falling Over When Hit By Things Age.

1:03:021:03:06

"The Age of things that... we'll get some people to work on this."

1:03:061:03:11

I just thought Stone Age.

1:03:111:03:13

"Yeah, Stone Age could work, it's very t-shirt, I see t-shirt.

1:03:131:03:16

"Fucking Stone Age, get with it, man!

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"Turn on, switch off, it explodes."

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So the Stone Age began with stones - we can hit, we can scrape,

1:03:221:03:26

you could cut the skin off an animal that didn't need it anymore, cos it was dead, or very nearly.

1:03:261:03:32

Just cutting your skin off cos I'm trying to make a cape,

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cos I'm-I'm standing for election as King, you see...

1:03:381:03:42

Don't really have elections, it's more of, you know... I've killed him, oh fuck it.

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I'm just going to take a bit of your skin, all right?

1:03:501:03:52

All right, three, two, one!

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It's a mime, it's a mime. Come on, Hollywood.

1:03:561:03:59

You're as bad as Paris.

1:04:021:04:04

So, humans made it to the moon,

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but will they make it to the end of the 21st century? It's up to them.

1:04:131:04:16

That audience at the Hollywood Bowl that night, those progressive people,

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those out of the box thinkers, they have to do it, we have to do it together,

1:04:201:04:25

we, the out of the box thinkers and the giant squids of the world, we need to do it, baby.

1:04:251:04:29

We need to do it. So, I hope we will.

1:04:291:04:32

Giant squid on the moon on the ship Nostromo, signing out.

1:04:321:04:37

Thank you very much, Hollywood Bowl.

1:04:371:04:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Digital viewers can press the red button now to see more

1:04:461:04:50

of Eddie Izzard's sell-out show at the Hollywood Bowl.

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He was hilarious and I'm too exhausted, really, to describe it.

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You've attained critical mass when you, you perform here.

1:05:301:05:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:05:451:05:48

E-mail - [email protected]

1:05:481:05:50

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