Leading Ladies Morecambe & Wise In Pieces

Alone at last! Get the grapes out and let's get at it!

LAUGHTER

Morecambe and Wise.

Suave...

Debonair...

Sophisticated...

The perfect gentlemen.

I like you a lot.

A word of advice from a man of the world.

Yes?

Don't fall in love with me. You'll only get hurt.

Why?

I always leave my boots on.

Sweet-talking their way into women's hearts across the nation.

Are you going?

The last agent the British sent was putty in my hands.

I know him well.

His windows fell out last week.

Kiss me, Hubert.

Kiss your what?

I'm sorry!

Will I be interfering with His Majesty's...obligations?

I sincerely hope so!

Just give me five minutes alone with him.

Tell her it's not long enough.

It takes me 20 minutes to get my wellies off.

Welcome to the show dedicated

to the partnership of Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise,

arguably Britain's greatest ever double act.

Tonight's show focuses on their genius for persuading brilliant,

beautiful women to look daft before an audience of millions.

Where's my daughter Susan? She was with us.

Ah. She's here now.

-I can manage.

-You'll have to go back.

You've dropped the piano.

I knew something like this would happen.

What does this letter contain that makes you look so distraught?

It is from Philip of Spain.

Can I have the stamp?

Is your back still bad?

Sit by me.

I only wish we had some music.

That's easily arranged.

ACCORDION PLAYS

And the plays what Ernie wrote -

masterpieces of high culture

that proved ideal for getting those women out of their comfort zone,

where their talents would be stretched to the limit and beyond.

Way beyond.

What a nice place you have here.

Oh, yes, we like it here.

The only problem is it does get so terribly hot.

FRANTIC DRUMMING

-And because of the heat, one gets quite exhausted.

-I understand, yes.

However...

Flee, my darling, flee.

You must leave at once.

Much as I love you, you must go now.

Such a love as ours only comes once in a lifetime.

Nay, once in 1,000 lifetimes.

ERIC SNORES

But I fear for your life.

Go, my darling, and if I never see you again,

at least I shall have memories of your wonderful love.

HE SNORES

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-..money.

-Yes.

-You're in love with these...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

What?

It can't be true. I don't believe it.

What's happened?

The mighty Kong has escaped from the London Zoo and is heading this way.

-Good Lord!

-Don't, whatever you do, panic!

Don't worry. Everything is...

SCREAMING CROWDS

Quick, Susan.

LAUGHTER

Have you got a new window cleaner?

# Come into the garden, Maud

# For the black bat, night, has flown

# Come into the garden, Maud

# I am here at the gate alone

# I am here at the gate alone Cha-cha-cha. #

Yes, we women were vital to the strange,

complex alchemy between Eric and Ernie.

No matter how much the boys would flirt, flatter and woo,

their tactics would inevitably fail,

leaving them with egg on their faces

and sharing a bed with no-one but each other...again.

What would I have to give you for a little kiss?

Chloroform.

LAUGHTER

My queen.

I search in vain for words adequate enough

to describe your great beauty.

Try.

How would you like a romantic interlude with the most

beautiful, handsome, virile lover in the whole of Cornshire?

OK, but if he's not here in ten minutes, I'm leaving.

Please.

There was a young lady from Reading

Who saw something move in the bedding

She didn't half jump

When she saw this big lump...

-That's it!

-Oh, you heard it, eh? I see. I see.

I have never been so humiliated in my life.

-I didn't write this.

-I'm sure you didn't.

-It's not my dialogue.

-What's the little man done?

-What have I done?

You have ruined the whole play with your filthy poems.

And you are the worst actor that it has ever been my misfortune

-to work with.

-You're very kind.

Their on-screen relationship with women is remembered as being smart

and playful, silly yet sophisticated.

Percy, what do you want?

I'd like you, if you have time, ma'am, to come

and have a look at my balls.

LAUGHTER

Before I press 'em in the warm earth...

with my dibble.

But it wasn't always like that.

In their early, less enlightened days,

women on their shows were little more than props.

Here they are in the dark ages of 1962.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Zoo Quest. Seven years ago,

that great explorer, that great zoologist, Captain Eric Morecambe,

went to the jungles of South America to discover the wildlife there.

Now, he's just returned and we've rushed him straight to the studio.

He's going to talk about some of the fascinating animals

he has brought back with him.

Let's have a look at his exhibits.

-Well, welcome home, Captain Morecambe.

-Nice to be back.

Sit down, boy. Down, boy. Sit, sit. That's a good boy.

-It must be wonderful to be back in civilisation.

-It most certainly is.

What happened to it?

Down, boy. Get down. There's a good boy.

But what about this that you have got in here?

-It is most unusual, isn't it?

-Well, it needs feeding.

-Feeding?

-That is the most important thing.

-Oh, is it?

It lives on bracelets, fur coats and above all, cheque-books.

-Cheque-books?

-Very fond of cheque-books. Watch it.

There is a cheque-book. See? Kiss, kiss.

He is a good boy.

Their first writers, Dick Hills and Sid Green -

known universally as Sid and Dick -

gave Eric and Ernie clearly defined roles.

Ernie was the successful suitor, Eric the hapless loser in love.

The women were simply there as the decorative objects of their desire.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

we're now going to present a little French thing that we saw

in Paris where a girl comes on wearing only a fur coat

and I come out and rip it off her.

She's got nothing on.

LAUGHTER

Are we? I'm going to do that?

Will we get away with it?

Yvette.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Why are you here?

Who is this man and why are you wearing your fur coat?

I just slipped it on. That is all.

In ze middle of July?

It is 82 degrees in the shade.

It's 102 in the shade.

Uncle Tom's Cabin!

It is getting hotter every moment.

-I am quite cool, thank you, Jacques.

-Don't be ridiculous.

The sweat is pouring off you.

And quite a lot is pouring off me.

And there's just a little pouring off him.

-Get it off.

-That is the last thing that I want to do.

It is the only thing I want you to do.

-Get it off!

-No.

-I insist.

All right, all right. I cannot argue any longer.

If you must take it off, then take it off.

Now?

Stop!

Well, of course, ladies and gentlemen, in Paris,

-the fur coat actually came off.

-Yes.

But for £4 a year television licence,

what can you expect?

LAUGHTER

But there was one actress who made it past the status of clothes horse.

How are we going to get out of here, Mr Solo?

And she would become their leading lady for the next 12 years.

Ann Hamilton.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Thank you.

-Oh, yes?

-I am sorry to be a nuisance...

-Forget it.

-What do you want?

-Salvation Army.

-Sorry. I'm a pacifist.

-Excuse me.

-Certainly.

-Hello, Doctor.

-Good morning, Mr Wise.

-Do come in.

What is wrong with you this time?

It is the same trouble as before, Doctor.

Not again!

HE WHISTLES

Better stop that. The doctor will be here in a minute.

Oh, who could have done this dreadful thing?

He was such a sweet, kind, gentle man.

Psst!

We've lost the moustache. We've lost the moustache.

You'll have to do it again. Do it again.

You might have to do the dance with him.

-Oh, thank you. Thank you! Thank you!

-It's all too much for me, this.

-Nothing.

-Thank you! Thank you!

-Thank you!

-I say, do you have to do that?

-It's perks, yes.

Ann Hamilton was an actress and dancer

who at the start of her career in 1957

was a chorus girl at the Windmill Theatre.

The Windmill was famous for its nude revues.

But Ann was a classically trained ballet dancer -

a rung or two up in the theatre's hierarchy.

She got to keep her clothes on.

Eric and Ernie had bumped into Hamilton on the variety circuit

but it was writers Sid and Dick who first suggested her

for their brand new TV series.

And so began a relationship that would last for years.

-It was a plant.

-Was it? I thought it was a pen.

What's it going to grow into? A biro?

Don't you go, love. I have got enough with him.

This is one of our secret appliances.

-What-what-what?

-Secret appliances.

Funny you should say that.

I've got a secret appliance.

Do you know that?

I wrote off for it in a magazine.

Nobody is going to kick sand in my face any more.

Corpsing there convinced Ann she had blown her big chance.

But Eric knew they had found a genuine talent.

When she got the call to join them at the BBC,

Ann vowed never to crack up during a sketch again.

Before filming, she would sit in her dressing room,

convincing herself that she loathed Eric and Ernie. It worked.

She kept a straight face for the entire series.

-Sir Eric!

-Yes.

What?

What thinkest thou of my gown?

Did you get it off Golden Shot?

LAUGHTER

-Tell me you bring me news of Robin.

-I most certainly do, Marian.

Then I implore you, impart it to me in haste.

Know you not that my uncle,

the Sheriff of Nottingham, is at hand?

-I fear for your life.

-Tut-tut, tut-tut.

-My dear chap.

-He saved my life!

SHE COUGHS

Arsenal!

-I'm going.

-Speak to me.

You try and stop him.

Let me cradle his head in my lap.

-Don't move him!

-You mind your own flaming business.

At the end of the '60s, Eric and Ernie teamed up

with a new writer who changed

the duo's relationship with women for ever.

Eddie Braben shifted the balance of power, the chemistry worked,

and a new era began.

-I say.

-Yes?

-What a lovely little thing you are.

Thank you.

You are small, but I'll bet you are a beautiful little mover.

I know you're the spy.

You must be a millionaire with all the secrets you've stolen.

-Not me. Nothing to do with me.

-I love millionaires.

-Get off!

-Take me away with you, please!

-What are you... Ern! Ern!

I suppose it must be quite overpowering for you...

Quite overpowering for you to be face to...

Face-to-face with an island that...

I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

You'll blow my socks off.

Braben gave Ernie a new role - the hopelessly deluded playwright

who was to literature what Des O'Connor was to music.

-It's a great play.

-Do you like it?

One of the best you have ever written. Full of suspense.

-Worthy of Hitchcock.

-Hitchcock?

-Sorry to hear that.

Here's his first victim - sorry, guest star - Juliet Mills.

-How do you like your tea?

-In a cup, please.

I get so awfully lonely

when Hubert is away on his tour of duty.

You have no idea just how lonely a woman like me can get.

My hat!

Crumpet?

LAUGHTER

-That must be the cue.

-What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.

The little... Oh...

-Yes. You only get those in Batley.

-Yes.

This time of the year.

Sorry about that.

You were saying, Violet, old thing.

Oh, it's just that I'm left all alone for six months every year

and I'm just like any other woman.

You understand what it is I'm trying to say, don't you, Bunty?

-Yes. And this evening...

-Yes?

-You must join me in a game of tennis.

-But I'm not a member.

-Don't worry. I'll soon get you in the club.

-That must be it.

-What?

I don't know what the cue is, you see. I'm waiting for the cue.

In the club.

Oh, I honestly never thought that appearing on this show

-would be as bad as this.

-Oh, get away. You must have done.

The format worked - Morecambe

and Wise had found the perfect vehicle for their irreverence,

and crucially, the power was back with the women.

The French!

The French! They're almost upon us!

This is no place for a woman!

Take this. I'm leaving.

-M'lady.

-Yes, sir?

-M'lady, I implore you to go below.

-Are you going below?

-Yes, it's his age.

THUD

I'm sorry. It's the ship's biscuits.

-M'lord, I fear for your life.

-Fear? Fear?

-Ho-ho!

-I know not the meaning of the word "fear".

-Cowardice.

He knows the meaning of that, don't you? You watch him, in a minute.

For love of my country... For this England...

You messed that one up again.

-For this England...

-You can't do two things at once.

..I will give my all, even if it be life itself. I...

This isn't rubbish, you know?

That makes a pleasant change.

-Horatio, show me your quarters.

-Oh, she's off again!

Now, Mr Disraeli, let us continue our discussion about the Suez Canal.

Have you had your treaty ratified?

Not only that, but they've drawn up my stipulations

and inserted a proviso.

It's a wonder I can walk at all.

Your Majesty, if you just sign there, please.

Your full name.

Victoria, Queen, Mrs.

-You're already married?

-No, I've always been round-shouldered.

Say you will marry me and I'll show you where the pearls are.

Let's seal it with a kiss.

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst!

Don't panic, but I think you've sprung a leak.

Oh, Rupert! Don't you understand?

I'm a woman, I need something more.

Those nights at the plantation with you beside me

and I'm unable to sleep because of the throb of the native drums,

filling my body with a strange passionate urgency.

-Don't you understand that feeling?

-Of course I understand.

I was the same when I had the mumps.

I'm a woman, Charlie.

Not an ordinary woman, not a cold, empty woman, but a woman with fire

in her blood, a fire that burns, a fire that rages,

rages with a fierce heat of passion that a body can't stand much longer.

HOWLS

No longer can I stand the urge, the big urge...

HOWLS

..that hangs! Oh, Charlie, I've got the pangs...

-HIGH PITCHED HOWLS

-The urge!

I've got the nagging nibbles and the gnawing pangs.

Who loves ya, baby?!

I have never heard so much rubbish in all my life!

Oh, there's more to come.

-Your Majesty, have you taken leave of your senses?

-What do you mean?

-This man, Disraeli, is a fool!

-I disagree.

-But I am your consort.

-I know that.

-He must go!

-He stays!

-He goes!

-He stays!

-He goes!

-He stays!

-All right, he can stay.

-I can stay! I can stay!

-Gentlemen, this audience is finished.

-Oh, rubbish.

They're good for another ten minutes yet.

-Give us a kiss.

-LOUD FOOTSTEPS

-My father is coming. Quickly, you must hide!

-Right.

Elizabeth, my dearest...

How fairest bloom on the tree of life.

Oh, that's good stuff.

That's not rubbish, you know that. That's good stuff, that.

Elizabeth, my dear,

you are looking most distraught.

Is it any wonder that I should appear so, Father?

You know how truly I love Robert and yet you forbid him

the hospitality of our home.

That's true, Ern.

The man is a blaggard!

Him and his poetry!

But I love him and he loves me!

See?

Let me see that letter.

No, never. This is a love poem from my dear Robert.

-I insist that you give me that letter! Give me that letter!

-Argh!

-It's no good you screaming like that.

-It wasn't her, you fool, it was me!

You stood on my arm, then!

At the time of shooting this,

Diane Cilento was married to Sean Connery, who, legend has it,

came along and sat quietly at the back of the studio, like a good boy.

No-one realised he was there.

And when Diane forgot her lines, the producer, John Ammonds,

tore her off quite a strip.

Connery just smiled and said nothing.

-Are you Browning?

-Yes!

Because I'm standing too close to the fire!

I insist that you give me that letter!

Take your hand...off that young lady's communication.

I want to see what filth you have written to my daughter, sir.

No, never, Father.

These words of love are for my eyes alone.

I'm not ashamed of the rubbish I write.

I am very proud of my little love poem. As a matter of fact... Ooh.

-As a matter of fact, I shall read it myself.

-Robert, no!

-Shut up!

Read it, sir!

I sit alone and the firelight flickers...

And I think of you...

In your navy blue cardigan.

-How dare you, sir!

-I said "cardigan"!

-I said "cardigan", didn't I?

-Get out of this house!

Of course, Eric also contributed to Ernie's plays,

mainly in limerick form.

Sadly, he hardly ever made it to the end.

She's known as Nell down in Camberwell

With a trader she haggles and bickers

But she doesn't care if she sees me down there

-Cos I get a flash of her...

-Sire.

-And I am Ern.

-Little Ern.

-A sailor bold. I live on hard tack and rum.

I've got two gold stripes around my sleeve.

And two more on his... Hello, how are you?

There was a young lady from Reading

Who saw something move in the bedding

She didn't half jump when she saw this big lump

-and...

-How dare you?! Get out of here.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The Queen and I are just good friends

You may have heard some rumours

-I've seen her on a windy day But I've never seen her...

-Stop.

Having started their careers in variety, Eric

and Ernie often asked their fellow acts to appear on their shows.

The landladies of some of the theatrical digs operated

a sort of showbiz apartheid.

Variety performers on one side of the house,

legitimate actors on the other.

I know. I stayed at Mrs Mackay's.

Legitimate, or proper actor, Dame Flora Robson,

was having none of this.

And when she clocked Morecambe and Wise over the bacon and eggs

one morning, she went straight over to join them.

They stayed friends for years.

And the boys eventually repaid the compliment

by making a complete fool of her on the show.

Your Majesty, we are on the verge of a catastrophic war.

This is no place for a third class writer of rubbish.

-Ern, it's quite good up to now.

-I mean your poetry.

My dear Sir Walter. I must insist that you control yourself.

May I defend myself once again by reading you a poem, Your Majesty?

Of course.

-Have you got the scrolls?

-I didn't think you'd notice.

May I, Your Majesty, take the weight off my sonnets?

Your Majesty, this is no time for poetry.

-Sir Walter, there is always time for the written word.

-That's true, love.

Please, Mr Shakespeare.

I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.

It's too late now, Ern, don't worry about it.

Get off my cloak!

-Just hold the end there, will you? I've written this for you.

-Ah!

-When I consider...everything that grows...

-How beautiful.

A tree, a flower

The corns on your toes...

Corns on your toes?

How dare you say such things in front of high-up people!

-At least I paid to get in.

-What do you mean, paid to get in?

Just because you're Raleigh and invented the bike,

-you think you know everything.

-That's rubbish.

Please, arise, Sir Walter.

What does she think I am, a midget or something?

-She's staring at me all the time.

-Why not?

Your face looks like a slashed cinema seat.

It would appear that I was misguided in thinking that

you would be of help to me in these difficult times.

-Sorry, Your Majesty.

-I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.

-Arise, Sir Walter.

I am risen. What's she going on and on about that for?

Let us try and deal with the more immediate problem of Spain

-and in particular the evil Philip.

-Yes.

Your Majesty, I have a little poser.

Well, can't fight nature, Ern.

Now that's enough. Shut up!

What are you going to do about King Philip of Spain?

Oh, King Philip of Spain, let the Spanish fleet take to the sea,

-I don't care.

-But you need men. Have you got the chaps?

Yes, it's the knicker on this inside.

-Sonia's revenge, we call it.

-And why not?

I have decided that if it would prevent war,

this marriage, much as I dislike it, will take place.

Your Majesty, I am deeply moved...

that your love...

of this land and its people should make you make such a sacrifice.

ERIC SNORES

-And that goes double for me, Your Majesty.

-Yes.

Dame Flora said she was delighted to receive the call

to appear on the show

because it reminded her management she was still alive.

My management got their reminder in 1977.

At the time, The Good Life was a huge success, but being asked

to appear in one of Ernie's little plays was every actress's dream.

Would I play the part of Roxanne in Cyrano De Bergerac? Would I!

Come in.

KNOCKING

-Mademoiselle Roxanne.

-How very quaint.

This one is already on his knees.

The meter is under the stairs.

I've not come to read the meter, Mademoiselle,

remember I was at the theatre last night?

-Oh, yes, I remember you.

-Ah, she remembers me!

-Mademoiselle, I don't know how to say I love you.

-Aha!

-Try.

I love Roxanne.

-If you love your life...

-You won't, I haven't finished with it yet.

All right, you wouldn't say that

-if my friend Cyrano de Bergerac was here.

-Is he coming here?

Yes, he's the greatest swordsman in all of Paris and France.

And he has the biggest hooter.

-Why's the silly creature coming here?

-I don't know,

but I can hear him. Yes, here he comes now, Cyrano de Bergerac.

Evening, all, sorry I'm late,

but I've just been to the optician's and he said he couldn't see me.

Roxanne.

-As beautiful as ever.

-Thank you very much.

-She's there.

-Has this accident been reported?

Madame, you are beautiful.

Just how did your nose get so long?

It was when my nanny used to lift me out of the bath.

It could have been worse.

Or better.

Roxanne... I love you.

Roxanne, I love you.

I love you, Roxanne. But alas, you are only a child.

On my last birthday cake, there were 21 candles, weren't there, Cyrano?

There was on my slice.

You bounder!

It's the way he tells them.

Perhaps you would like to feel the edge of my blade.

I am ready when you are, Mr Wilkinson.

You long-nosed fool.

Nobody calls me a long-nosed fool and gets away with it.

I wouldn't let him insult your great big conk.

Nobody insults my...this and gets away with it.

-No-one makes nasty remarks about his big snitch.

-Yes. It's not nice.

-You must have satisfaction.

-You are very kind,

but let me deal with this fellow first.

-En garde.

-I'll deal with this nancy boy first.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

It's the way he walks.

Ha-ha, you coward!

En garde!

Thrust, parry. Thrust, parry.

Laurel, Hardy. Little and Large.

Oh!

Oh!

-Is he dead?

-No, he always looks like that.

-Oh, excuse me!

-Certainly, what have you done?

-Oh!

-Mademoiselle, I throw myself at your feet.

-I should like that.

It's not fair, he'll be there before me.

-Are you looking at my legs?

-No, I'm above that.

Mademoiselle, everything I have is yours.

Would you like to buy a magnifying glass?

Where did you get those big, beautiful, brown eyes?

-They came with the face.

-It's a beautiful perfume, what is it?

-Expensive, £20 an ounce.

-Really, smell that.

-What's that?

-Gravy, 20p a gallon.

Oh!

I want a man who is as strong as a lion, extremely handsome

and as wise as Solomon.

Lucky we met.

If I married you, what would happen when I reached 40?

I'd change you for two 20s.

Would you like a little drink?

That's very kind, I'll help myself to a lager.

I found it very hard to keep a straight face

when Eric pretended that I'd goosed him.

But as you can see, I wasn't his only victim.

Thank you.

Come on.

Hey! They're all at it.

As the years went on, audiences grew ever larger,

and the names got bigger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vanilla Red-nose.

The Duke of Wellington at your service, sir.

Napoleon Bonaparte at your...

I hope you realise that tent pole is loose.

How dare you, sir! That tent pole happens to be

the Empress Josephine.

-Tell him who you are.

-I am indeed the Empress Josephine of France...

But what are you doing up the front?

Not that it matters, it suits you.

The Emperor wishes to discuss the Battle of Waterloo.

A strange name for a battle, don't you feel?

-I've had no water and I certainly couldn't find...

-How dare you!

-Boney, my darling.

-He's over there, he slipped.

-Boney, my darling.

-Not tonight, Josephine.

-What does he mean by that?

-It is of little consequence.

-I'll second that.

What do you think of it so far?

Rubbish.

Come, let us sit down over here.

Let us sit down over here and talk over the terms of surrender.

-I will take everything down.

-That's good for a few laughs.

You've been giving him too much millet.

Have you got the scrolls?

No, I always walk like this.

-This meeting is now in session.

-Oh, yes.

Ow!

-Let's get to the point right away.

-I object.

-To what?

-You, you've got your hand on my knee.

-A nasty habit.

-Silence!

-Ow!

-These terms are a bit one-sided.

I should say they are.

Are you prepared to ratify my proposals?

I certainly am, put them on the table and pass me that mallet.

-You want everything your own way.

-Oh, you've heard.

Everything your own way. I will have nothing to do with these documents, sir.

-Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, sweetheart.

-Oh, yes?

What will happen to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms?

I'll tell you what happens to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms.

He will be dragged out by the dragoons.

Not a pretty sight.

I wouldn't look if I were you, it would put you off your dinner.

-I've never heard anything so terrible.

-Oh, you must have done.

What about Max Bygraves singing Deck Of Cards? That takes some beating.

During rehearsals,

Miss Redgrave would stand outside the BBC Television Centre

selling copies of the Morning Star, the communist newspaper. As you do.

One morning, she tried to flog Eric and Ernie a copy.

"No thanks, love," they said. "We're capitalists."

-I must be leaving now. This is terrible, you know.

-Yes.

-Yes, I'm not feeling myself.

-It looks as if you are.

-I'll see you later at the Regal.

-OK. Outside?

-Yes.

-And don't forget your promise.

-I say, you'll find me in the anteroom.

Give her my love.

-We are alone.

-I'm ready when you are, pally.

-Poor Napoleon.

-Oh, yeah.

He's been through a very bad time.

Ever since his retreat from Moscow, he's been very cold towards me.

Well, with all that deep snow and those short legs, say no more.

Nudge nudge. Think think.

Over there. Would, er...

-Would you care for something to warm you up?

-I would very much.

Well, I think I've got a packet of extra strong mints in my greatcoat.

-I think not.

-Oh, no.

-Welly?

-Yes?

-Napoleon has been so engrossed in his battle

that he's tended to neglect me.

-Oh.

-I am a woman.

Have you told him?

I like you.

Midnight In Paris.

2.15 in Darlington.

What really lifted Ernie's plays into the realm of great art

was his gift for dialogue.

Language was freed from the mundane constraints of grammar

and set free on wings of nonsense.

I know that he has it in him to be a great journalist.

His reports will silence the tongues of them what mock you.

This country is a democracy and he is the one what was elected.

How brave they are. They are not afraid, like what I am.

I am a young woman, I need

the love of a man who burns within.

Like what I do.

In 1976, Michelle Dotrice was a household name as Betty,

Frank Spencer's long-suffering

and faithful wife in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

Here, Eddie Braben and the boys brilliantly cast her against type

as a predatory Lady Chatterley character

in The Handyman And Milady.

Ah, Romeo!

Ah, there you are, Constance, my dear.

-Has the new handyman arrived yet?

-You have a new handyman?

-Yes.

I nearly fell over then. Yes, a chap called Smellors.

-Oh, I do hope he's handsome, masculine and virile.

-Yes.

Evening, all. I'm sorry I'm late.

But I was loading the gun dog.

It went off in my hand.

Good Lord!

That bus must have been going at a hell of a lick

when it ran over your cat, sir.

-How do you do, sir? How do you do?

-How do I do what?

-What an attractive man. Please.

-Yes.

-Please, do sit down.

Certainly I will. Thank you.

-What did you say your name was?

-Smellors.

I want you.

I want you to meet me outside the French windows in five minutes.

-Five minutes by the French windows?

-Yes, and bring some transport.

-Yes.

But before you go...

Well...

I've just lost a back stud!

-That's just for starters.

-I can't wait for dessert!

-Which is the way out?

-This way.

-Never mind, this will do.

Ahhh...

Would you like to do what we always like to do after a sherry?

Oh, what's that?

Accompany ourselves on the piano.

Psst!

-Play the long introduction.

-Right.

# ..Yoooo-ooo-oouuu...

# I will answer tooo-ooo-ooo... #

Dame Judi Dench was another star who got the inevitable call.

Her Jekyll and Hyde sketch is a classic,

but her fondest memory of the recording

was Eric teaching her to do this.

BAG SNAPS

Oh, what a day! What a wonderful day!

First of all I went to Harrods and sorted out a couple of nightdresses.

Then I went to Selfridge's and sorted out a couple of hats.

Then I went to the Army & Navy Stores

and sorted out a couple of soldiers.

Then I went to Harvey Nichols.

I asked the manager if I could try on a dress in a window.

He said, "Yes, it could be good for business."

Then I cycled home naked on a penny-farthing.

That's cheap!

-What have you been doing today, my dear?

-I thought you'd never ask.

Look, Henry. Look what I bought for our honeymoon.

-Isn't it beautiful?

-Very pretty.

Did you get one for yourself as well?

I'm sorry, my dear. I'm sorry, but you must leave immediately.

You see, what you don't realise is, I'm on the verge of getting it.

Well, if you're on the verge of getting it, why do you want me to leave?

Please. Please, you must leave immediately.

See you at supper.

Now to put my theory to the test.

Be brave, Dr Jekyll.

Who knows ought of honour who only knows ought of...honour

who...only knows ought of...honour...?

Cheers!

Unnngh...

Nnnnggghh!

HE SNARLS

Now, THERE'S a novelty!

It worked! It worked!

Who's a pretty boy, then?

My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy.

And there's badness in the balls of my feet.

Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentlemen,

on an unbridled lust tour.

I shall probably end up in a Wimpy Bar.

There must be plenty of haunts in London where I could hide.

HE GASPS

Where I can hide...!

That's what I shall call myself...

Mr Where I Can.

Henry?

-Henry, where are you?

-DR JEKYLL: Ohhh!

Henry, where are you? Sorry.

Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.

Ah!

I wonder...

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-..where 'Enry is.

MUSIC: "The Stripper"

Our next leading lady made over 30 appearances with Morecambe and Wise.

Between 1969 and 1972,

she was one of the most famous faces in the land.

But few people then or now know her name.

Here's one of her early appearances.

-We've got some birds coming along.

-What did you say?

-We've got some birds coming.

-Birds?

-Yeah.

-Bring them on, then!

What are you waiting for?

-Oh, I like yours, Dickie!

-Thank you.

-Very good.

You haven't done bad either!

Could I have a word with the men?

There's a slight discrepancy in the number of girls.

-I've got one.

-I've got one.

Yeah, you've got one and you've got one.

I've got TWO!

Her name was Janet Webb.

She'd already had some success as an actress

and she smartly used her role on the Morecambe and Wise Show

to get as much attention as she could.

We recently unearthed this letter from Janet urging

BBC producer Albert Stevenson to watch her on the show.

"March 17, 1964.

"Dear Albert, I hope you don't mind me writing to you again.

"I have done quite a few

"Morecambe and Wise shows for the series not yet seen.

"I'm afraid the producer doesn't know what dates

"they will be released on, except one.

"This he is sure of - April 25th at 8.25.

"Perhaps if you are near a set on this date, you could

"kindly watch me and maybe,

"in one of your future shows, you could use me.

"Yours sincerely, Janet Vorzanger.

(professional name - Janet Webb)"

Here's the show she was talking about.

There are evil thoughts in this room.

Ninepence!

We must be very careful when Deidre goes under.

You're going under, love. I think she's under NOW.

-She will not be herself.

-No.

She will not be able to control her actions.

Really?

-We must not disturb her.

-Sorry, I thought you'd finished.

That's why I...

-You're doing a good job, love.

-Sleep... Sleep...

Sleep...

Now tell me... Is there anybody there?

Yes...

-Oh, stop it!

-No, it is him! He is a contact.

-He's only pulling your leg, madam.

-Tell me, are you in touch?

Nearly.

She eventually became known to millions

simply as the lady who comes on at the end.

BAND PLAYS: "Bring Me Sunshine"

To begin with, Janet didn't speak. She just blew kisses and bowed.

But over the years the joke developed and became

a speaking role in which she would say the exact same line every time.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you, everybody! Thank you.

Thank you.

I'd like to thank all of you

for watching me and my little show here tonight.

If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.

So until we meet again, good night

and I love you all!

Perhaps the most famous of all the plays what Ernie wrote

was Cleopatra, starring the great Glenda Jackson.

She was a huge star at the time.

Glenda was known as a serious actress, very serious.

Which made casting her all the more fun, naturally.

Before filming this sketch she asked Eric for tips on performing comedy.

His advice was simple - speak louder and faster.

And boy, did it work!

Tell me, sir, what is your mission here?

I've been sent from Rome by Julius and Caesar.

-Julius AND Caesar?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

He had a terrible accident while polishing his sword.

Am I right in assuming your sole purpose here is to spy on me?

-Is there anything to spy on?

-Meaning?

You and the little fella here.

A touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?" every now and again.

How dare you suggest a touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"

-Every now and again.

-Every now and again.

-You should be ashamed of yourself! There's nothing going on.

-What are you doing here, then?

-I came to see if the Queen has got everything.

-And has she?

-Yes! You've looked?

-No!

-How dare you?!

-Well, why are his legs blushing?

-Oh!

-Psst!

-Eh? What?

Don't let him frighten you.

Yes, but if he tells Julius Caesar about you and I, you know,

with the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"

I'll lose me pension and me gold watch.

All men are fools and what makes them so

is having beauty like what I have got.

You're right, you're right.

-You have a plan?

-Leave me alone with him.

-Leave me alone with him for five minutes.

-Five minutes?

-Five minutes.

I will incriminate him and then we need fear nothing he may do.

Please! He is a soldier of Rome. It is impossible to incriminate him.

-Leave me alone with him!

-OK, just as you say, Cleo.

What do you think of it so far?

Rubbish!

-Noble sir...

-Thank you.

-Can I do something for you?

-Can I attend to your camel?

-Please do, you'll find it outside.

-You can't miss it, it looks like a horse with an airlock.

-Right.

Put this on the hump in case it freezes tonight.

Bye-bye, Cleo.

-A magnificent beast.

-The camel?

No, Ern.

Eric's advice gave us more than just that sketch.

Famously, Hollywood producer Melvin Frank saw Glenda on the show

and, realising she could do comedy,

offered her the lead in A Touch Of Class.

Her performance won her the Oscar for Best Actress in 1973.

Cheers, Eric!

Yours, I think.

-How do you like me stroking your hair?

-It's marvellous, it really is.

But don't overdo it. I've only got eight and six of those are Ern's.

Psst!

Don't forget to put the sleeking kowder...the sleeking kowder...

-..in his kocolate.

-I geg your gardon?

-The sleeking kowder...

-The sleeking kowder!

-In his kocolate!

-In his kocolate!

-Sleeking kowder?

-Yes!

We can sling him in the Nile.

Ah!

-Another drink?

-A gottle of geer, if you have it!

Thank you.

I...

HE SNORES

-Very powerful stuff. Very potent.

-When did you last see a woman?

I've forgotten, sir.

It's no good trying to fight me.

Your little heart is pounding like a whippet in a bowler hat.

-But you're in love with...Mark Antony.

-Me...and Mark Antony?!

-YES!

-Don't mention that man's name to me!

-I can't stand the sight of him!

-Wait a minute! I heard that!

I'm Mark Antony. It's time for me to act!

That'll be the day.

-You love the Queen.

-I loved her once.

-Once?

You told me you were a centurion. You're all talk, you are!

Mark Antony, you have been and always will be a fool!

You are treating me as a big prawn! ERIC CHUCKLES

Well, you can't fight nature!

-I love you!

-Of course you do!

-I want you to take me with you to Rome.

-She lies!

-She lies!

-What an actor!

-She thinks all men are fools and what makes them so

is having beauty like what she has got.

-My Queen.

-What is it, Desdemona?

Looks more like Des O'Connor.

-Go on.

-My Queen, terrible news from abroad.

-They want the Oscar back.

-They want it back.

-Speak, Desdemona!

-Speak!

If you go to Rome with that man, you will surely die.

-Is this true?

-As sure as the sun rises above the Co-op in Cairo.

-Who are you?

-Who am I? I'll tell you whom I am.

I am Octavian Caesar, nephew of Julius Caesar,

ruler of the world and certain parts of Birkenhead.

-Julius and Caesar's nephew?

-Yes.

-I don't believe it.

Now do you see why he wants you to go with him?

You said that without moving your lips.

-As his prisoners!

-She can do it as well!

-To face Julius and Caesar is certain death!

-That's true.

Certain death! No, please!

-Get off!

-Please, please! I don't want to be slewed!

Please!

Don't throw me to the lions. They won't like me, I'm all gristle.

-But you have made love to the Queen!

-It was nothing!

I can believe that.

Then you intend seeing this through to the bitter end?

-Well, we might as well, we've all learnt the words, haven't we?

-We've learnt the words!

-How do you feel about it?

-Yeah, we'll carry on.

-See how it goes.

-I have one final request.

-Well, hurry up, cos you are running a bit late.

-A final request?

If I am to die, let it be by my own hand.

-NO!

-A fine actor, that boy.

Fetch me the asp!

-That's a poisonous snake!

-Is it?

-Yes!

-There's an asp in that!

-Yeah, there is!

Would you hold the basket while I remove the lid?

Certainly.

This deadly serpent will put an end to my misery by biting me

on the breast!

-Could I have a word with you, please?

-Yes.

-Is that official?

-Yes, it's all in the play.

-The snake comes out of the basket and bites her on the breast.

-Fine.

-End it for me now!

-Ready when you are, pally!

-What are you doing?

-I'm warming up the snake!

-D'oh!

-You're disgusting, you are!

-Of course I am, you fool!

-Put me out of my misery!

-All right, he's been asleep for three months.

You've been in a sling, haven't you?

Don't forget your promise. And look at me when I'm talking to you.

-Go on, enjoy yourself, it's your birthday. Ready!

-Ready!

-It missed!

-Again!

-Agh!

-She's too quick for me.

-Aaagh!

-Pardon?

-Aaagh!

-Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

-Aaaagh! Ohhh...

-Is she dead?

-Yes, she's dead.

I'm going to do something now I've never done to a lady on television before.

-What are you going to do?

-I'm going to pinch her Oscar.

Well, sadly, that's all we have time for.

Despite his obvious talents as a historical dramatist,

it's not little Ern's plays

that have gone down in history, but their stars.

Nowadays, seeing celebrities treated with that sort of irreverence

is commonplace, but in the '60s and '70s it was still

thrillingly new, for the performers as much as the audience.

A new level of superstardom found its match in a new level of mockery.

I think I speak on behalf of all Eric and Ernie's leading ladies

when I say, yes, there was Redford, Newman and McQueen

but, when it came to leading men,

no-one did it quite like Eric and Ern.

Good night, and I love you all!

HE BREAKS WIND