Leading Ladies Morecambe & Wise In Pieces


Leading Ladies

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LineFromTo

Alone at last! Get the grapes out and let's get at it!

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LAUGHTER

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Morecambe and Wise.

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Suave...

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Debonair...

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Sophisticated...

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The perfect gentlemen.

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I like you a lot.

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A word of advice from a man of the world.

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Yes?

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Don't fall in love with me. You'll only get hurt.

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Why?

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I always leave my boots on.

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Sweet-talking their way into women's hearts across the nation.

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Are you going?

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The last agent the British sent was putty in my hands.

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I know him well.

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His windows fell out last week.

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Kiss me, Hubert.

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Kiss your what?

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I'm sorry!

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Will I be interfering with His Majesty's...obligations?

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I sincerely hope so!

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Just give me five minutes alone with him.

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Tell her it's not long enough.

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It takes me 20 minutes to get my wellies off.

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Welcome to the show dedicated

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to the partnership of Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise,

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arguably Britain's greatest ever double act.

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Tonight's show focuses on their genius for persuading brilliant,

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beautiful women to look daft before an audience of millions.

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Where's my daughter Susan? She was with us.

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Ah. She's here now.

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-I can manage.

-You'll have to go back.

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You've dropped the piano.

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I knew something like this would happen.

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What does this letter contain that makes you look so distraught?

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It is from Philip of Spain.

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Can I have the stamp?

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Is your back still bad?

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Sit by me.

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I only wish we had some music.

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That's easily arranged.

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ACCORDION PLAYS

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And the plays what Ernie wrote -

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masterpieces of high culture

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that proved ideal for getting those women out of their comfort zone,

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where their talents would be stretched to the limit and beyond.

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Way beyond.

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What a nice place you have here.

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Oh, yes, we like it here.

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The only problem is it does get so terribly hot.

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FRANTIC DRUMMING

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-And because of the heat, one gets quite exhausted.

-I understand, yes.

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However...

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Flee, my darling, flee.

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You must leave at once.

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Much as I love you, you must go now.

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Such a love as ours only comes once in a lifetime.

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Nay, once in 1,000 lifetimes.

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ERIC SNORES

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But I fear for your life.

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Go, my darling, and if I never see you again,

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at least I shall have memories of your wonderful love.

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HE SNORES

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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-..money.

-Yes.

-You're in love with these...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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What?

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It can't be true. I don't believe it.

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What's happened?

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The mighty Kong has escaped from the London Zoo and is heading this way.

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-Good Lord!

-Don't, whatever you do, panic!

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Don't worry. Everything is...

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SCREAMING CROWDS

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Quick, Susan.

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LAUGHTER

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Have you got a new window cleaner?

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# Come into the garden, Maud

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# For the black bat, night, has flown

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# Come into the garden, Maud

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# I am here at the gate alone

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# I am here at the gate alone Cha-cha-cha. #

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Yes, we women were vital to the strange,

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complex alchemy between Eric and Ernie.

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No matter how much the boys would flirt, flatter and woo,

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their tactics would inevitably fail,

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leaving them with egg on their faces

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and sharing a bed with no-one but each other...again.

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What would I have to give you for a little kiss?

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Chloroform.

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LAUGHTER

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My queen.

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I search in vain for words adequate enough

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to describe your great beauty.

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Try.

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How would you like a romantic interlude with the most

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beautiful, handsome, virile lover in the whole of Cornshire?

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OK, but if he's not here in ten minutes, I'm leaving.

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Please.

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There was a young lady from Reading

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Who saw something move in the bedding

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She didn't half jump

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When she saw this big lump...

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-That's it!

-Oh, you heard it, eh? I see. I see.

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I have never been so humiliated in my life.

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-I didn't write this.

-I'm sure you didn't.

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-It's not my dialogue.

-What's the little man done?

-What have I done?

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You have ruined the whole play with your filthy poems.

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And you are the worst actor that it has ever been my misfortune

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-to work with.

-You're very kind.

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Their on-screen relationship with women is remembered as being smart

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and playful, silly yet sophisticated.

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Percy, what do you want?

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I'd like you, if you have time, ma'am, to come

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and have a look at my balls.

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LAUGHTER

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Before I press 'em in the warm earth...

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with my dibble.

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But it wasn't always like that.

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In their early, less enlightened days,

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women on their shows were little more than props.

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Here they are in the dark ages of 1962.

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Zoo Quest. Seven years ago,

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that great explorer, that great zoologist, Captain Eric Morecambe,

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went to the jungles of South America to discover the wildlife there.

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Now, he's just returned and we've rushed him straight to the studio.

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He's going to talk about some of the fascinating animals

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he has brought back with him.

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Let's have a look at his exhibits.

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-Well, welcome home, Captain Morecambe.

-Nice to be back.

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Sit down, boy. Down, boy. Sit, sit. That's a good boy.

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-It must be wonderful to be back in civilisation.

-It most certainly is.

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What happened to it?

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Down, boy. Get down. There's a good boy.

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But what about this that you have got in here?

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-It is most unusual, isn't it?

-Well, it needs feeding.

-Feeding?

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-That is the most important thing.

-Oh, is it?

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It lives on bracelets, fur coats and above all, cheque-books.

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-Cheque-books?

-Very fond of cheque-books. Watch it.

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There is a cheque-book. See? Kiss, kiss.

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He is a good boy.

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Their first writers, Dick Hills and Sid Green -

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known universally as Sid and Dick -

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gave Eric and Ernie clearly defined roles.

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Ernie was the successful suitor, Eric the hapless loser in love.

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The women were simply there as the decorative objects of their desire.

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Well, ladies and gentlemen,

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we're now going to present a little French thing that we saw

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in Paris where a girl comes on wearing only a fur coat

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and I come out and rip it off her.

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She's got nothing on.

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LAUGHTER

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Are we? I'm going to do that?

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Will we get away with it?

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Yvette.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Why are you here?

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Who is this man and why are you wearing your fur coat?

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I just slipped it on. That is all.

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In ze middle of July?

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It is 82 degrees in the shade.

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It's 102 in the shade.

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Uncle Tom's Cabin!

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It is getting hotter every moment.

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-I am quite cool, thank you, Jacques.

-Don't be ridiculous.

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The sweat is pouring off you.

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And quite a lot is pouring off me.

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And there's just a little pouring off him.

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-Get it off.

-That is the last thing that I want to do.

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It is the only thing I want you to do.

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-Get it off!

-No.

-I insist.

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All right, all right. I cannot argue any longer.

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If you must take it off, then take it off.

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Now?

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Stop!

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Well, of course, ladies and gentlemen, in Paris,

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-the fur coat actually came off.

-Yes.

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But for £4 a year television licence,

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what can you expect?

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LAUGHTER

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But there was one actress who made it past the status of clothes horse.

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How are we going to get out of here, Mr Solo?

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And she would become their leading lady for the next 12 years.

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Ann Hamilton.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Thank you.

-Oh, yes?

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-I am sorry to be a nuisance...

-Forget it.

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-What do you want?

-Salvation Army.

-Sorry. I'm a pacifist.

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-Excuse me.

-Certainly.

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-Hello, Doctor.

-Good morning, Mr Wise.

-Do come in.

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What is wrong with you this time?

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It is the same trouble as before, Doctor.

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Not again!

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HE WHISTLES

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Better stop that. The doctor will be here in a minute.

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Oh, who could have done this dreadful thing?

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He was such a sweet, kind, gentle man.

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Psst!

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We've lost the moustache. We've lost the moustache.

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You'll have to do it again. Do it again.

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You might have to do the dance with him.

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-Oh, thank you. Thank you! Thank you!

-It's all too much for me, this.

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-Nothing.

-Thank you! Thank you!

-Thank you!

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-I say, do you have to do that?

-It's perks, yes.

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Ann Hamilton was an actress and dancer

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who at the start of her career in 1957

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was a chorus girl at the Windmill Theatre.

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The Windmill was famous for its nude revues.

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But Ann was a classically trained ballet dancer -

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a rung or two up in the theatre's hierarchy.

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She got to keep her clothes on.

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Eric and Ernie had bumped into Hamilton on the variety circuit

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but it was writers Sid and Dick who first suggested her

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for their brand new TV series.

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And so began a relationship that would last for years.

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-It was a plant.

-Was it? I thought it was a pen.

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What's it going to grow into? A biro?

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Don't you go, love. I have got enough with him.

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This is one of our secret appliances.

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-What-what-what?

-Secret appliances.

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Funny you should say that.

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I've got a secret appliance.

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Do you know that?

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I wrote off for it in a magazine.

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Nobody is going to kick sand in my face any more.

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Corpsing there convinced Ann she had blown her big chance.

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But Eric knew they had found a genuine talent.

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When she got the call to join them at the BBC,

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Ann vowed never to crack up during a sketch again.

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Before filming, she would sit in her dressing room,

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convincing herself that she loathed Eric and Ernie. It worked.

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She kept a straight face for the entire series.

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-Sir Eric!

-Yes.

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What?

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What thinkest thou of my gown?

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Did you get it off Golden Shot?

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LAUGHTER

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-Tell me you bring me news of Robin.

-I most certainly do, Marian.

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Then I implore you, impart it to me in haste.

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Know you not that my uncle,

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the Sheriff of Nottingham, is at hand?

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-I fear for your life.

-Tut-tut, tut-tut.

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-My dear chap.

-He saved my life!

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SHE COUGHS

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Arsenal!

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-I'm going.

-Speak to me.

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You try and stop him.

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Let me cradle his head in my lap.

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-Don't move him!

-You mind your own flaming business.

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At the end of the '60s, Eric and Ernie teamed up

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with a new writer who changed

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the duo's relationship with women for ever.

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Eddie Braben shifted the balance of power, the chemistry worked,

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and a new era began.

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-I say.

-Yes?

-What a lovely little thing you are.

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Thank you.

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You are small, but I'll bet you are a beautiful little mover.

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I know you're the spy.

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You must be a millionaire with all the secrets you've stolen.

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-Not me. Nothing to do with me.

-I love millionaires.

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-Get off!

-Take me away with you, please!

-What are you... Ern! Ern!

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I suppose it must be quite overpowering for you...

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Quite overpowering for you to be face to...

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Face-to-face with an island that...

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I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

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You'll blow my socks off.

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Braben gave Ernie a new role - the hopelessly deluded playwright

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who was to literature what Des O'Connor was to music.

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-It's a great play.

-Do you like it?

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One of the best you have ever written. Full of suspense.

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-Worthy of Hitchcock.

-Hitchcock?

-Sorry to hear that.

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Here's his first victim - sorry, guest star - Juliet Mills.

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-How do you like your tea?

-In a cup, please.

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I get so awfully lonely

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when Hubert is away on his tour of duty.

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You have no idea just how lonely a woman like me can get.

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My hat!

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Crumpet?

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LAUGHTER

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-That must be the cue.

-What?

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Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.

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The little... Oh...

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-Yes. You only get those in Batley.

-Yes.

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This time of the year.

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Sorry about that.

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You were saying, Violet, old thing.

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Oh, it's just that I'm left all alone for six months every year

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and I'm just like any other woman.

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You understand what it is I'm trying to say, don't you, Bunty?

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-Yes. And this evening...

-Yes?

-You must join me in a game of tennis.

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-But I'm not a member.

-Don't worry. I'll soon get you in the club.

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-That must be it.

-What?

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I don't know what the cue is, you see. I'm waiting for the cue.

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In the club.

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Oh, I honestly never thought that appearing on this show

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-would be as bad as this.

-Oh, get away. You must have done.

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The format worked - Morecambe

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and Wise had found the perfect vehicle for their irreverence,

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and crucially, the power was back with the women.

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The French!

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The French! They're almost upon us!

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This is no place for a woman!

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Take this. I'm leaving.

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-M'lady.

-Yes, sir?

-M'lady, I implore you to go below.

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-Are you going below?

-Yes, it's his age.

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THUD

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I'm sorry. It's the ship's biscuits.

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-M'lord, I fear for your life.

-Fear? Fear?

-Ho-ho!

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-I know not the meaning of the word "fear".

-Cowardice.

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He knows the meaning of that, don't you? You watch him, in a minute.

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For love of my country... For this England...

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You messed that one up again.

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-For this England...

-You can't do two things at once.

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..I will give my all, even if it be life itself. I...

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This isn't rubbish, you know?

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That makes a pleasant change.

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-Horatio, show me your quarters.

-Oh, she's off again!

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Now, Mr Disraeli, let us continue our discussion about the Suez Canal.

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Have you had your treaty ratified?

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Not only that, but they've drawn up my stipulations

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and inserted a proviso.

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It's a wonder I can walk at all.

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Your Majesty, if you just sign there, please.

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Your full name.

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Victoria, Queen, Mrs.

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-You're already married?

-No, I've always been round-shouldered.

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Say you will marry me and I'll show you where the pearls are.

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Let's seal it with a kiss.

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Psst! Psst! Psst!

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Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst!

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Don't panic, but I think you've sprung a leak.

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Oh, Rupert! Don't you understand?

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I'm a woman, I need something more.

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Those nights at the plantation with you beside me

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and I'm unable to sleep because of the throb of the native drums,

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filling my body with a strange passionate urgency.

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-Don't you understand that feeling?

-Of course I understand.

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I was the same when I had the mumps.

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I'm a woman, Charlie.

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Not an ordinary woman, not a cold, empty woman, but a woman with fire

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in her blood, a fire that burns, a fire that rages,

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rages with a fierce heat of passion that a body can't stand much longer.

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HOWLS

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No longer can I stand the urge, the big urge...

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HOWLS

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..that hangs! Oh, Charlie, I've got the pangs...

0:19:250:19:29

-HIGH PITCHED HOWLS

-The urge!

0:19:290:19:33

I've got the nagging nibbles and the gnawing pangs.

0:19:330:19:37

Who loves ya, baby?!

0:19:370:19:39

I have never heard so much rubbish in all my life!

0:19:420:19:45

Oh, there's more to come.

0:19:450:19:47

-Your Majesty, have you taken leave of your senses?

-What do you mean?

0:19:470:19:50

-This man, Disraeli, is a fool!

-I disagree.

-But I am your consort.

0:19:500:19:55

-I know that.

-He must go!

-He stays!

0:19:550:19:57

-He goes!

-He stays!

0:19:570:19:59

-He goes!

-He stays!

0:19:590:20:03

-All right, he can stay.

-I can stay! I can stay!

0:20:030:20:06

-Gentlemen, this audience is finished.

-Oh, rubbish.

0:20:080:20:11

They're good for another ten minutes yet.

0:20:110:20:14

-Give us a kiss.

-LOUD FOOTSTEPS

0:20:140:20:16

-My father is coming. Quickly, you must hide!

-Right.

0:20:160:20:19

Elizabeth, my dearest...

0:20:300:20:33

How fairest bloom on the tree of life.

0:20:330:20:36

Oh, that's good stuff.

0:20:360:20:38

That's not rubbish, you know that. That's good stuff, that.

0:20:380:20:40

Elizabeth, my dear,

0:20:400:20:43

you are looking most distraught.

0:20:430:20:46

Is it any wonder that I should appear so, Father?

0:20:460:20:49

You know how truly I love Robert and yet you forbid him

0:20:490:20:52

the hospitality of our home.

0:20:520:20:54

That's true, Ern.

0:20:540:20:57

The man is a blaggard!

0:20:570:20:59

Him and his poetry!

0:20:590:21:01

But I love him and he loves me!

0:21:010:21:03

See?

0:21:030:21:04

Let me see that letter.

0:21:040:21:06

No, never. This is a love poem from my dear Robert.

0:21:060:21:10

-I insist that you give me that letter! Give me that letter!

-Argh!

0:21:100:21:13

-It's no good you screaming like that.

-It wasn't her, you fool, it was me!

0:21:130:21:16

You stood on my arm, then!

0:21:160:21:18

At the time of shooting this,

0:21:190:21:21

Diane Cilento was married to Sean Connery, who, legend has it,

0:21:210:21:26

came along and sat quietly at the back of the studio, like a good boy.

0:21:260:21:31

No-one realised he was there.

0:21:310:21:33

And when Diane forgot her lines, the producer, John Ammonds,

0:21:330:21:37

tore her off quite a strip.

0:21:370:21:40

Connery just smiled and said nothing.

0:21:400:21:43

-Are you Browning?

-Yes!

0:21:430:21:45

Because I'm standing too close to the fire!

0:21:490:21:53

I insist that you give me that letter!

0:21:550:21:58

Take your hand...off that young lady's communication.

0:21:580:22:03

I want to see what filth you have written to my daughter, sir.

0:22:030:22:07

No, never, Father.

0:22:070:22:10

These words of love are for my eyes alone.

0:22:100:22:13

I'm not ashamed of the rubbish I write.

0:22:130:22:16

I am very proud of my little love poem. As a matter of fact... Ooh.

0:22:160:22:22

-As a matter of fact, I shall read it myself.

-Robert, no!

-Shut up!

0:22:220:22:26

Read it, sir!

0:22:280:22:30

I sit alone and the firelight flickers...

0:22:340:22:38

And I think of you...

0:22:420:22:45

In your navy blue cardigan.

0:22:450:22:47

-How dare you, sir!

-I said "cardigan"!

0:22:490:22:51

-I said "cardigan", didn't I?

-Get out of this house!

0:22:510:22:54

Of course, Eric also contributed to Ernie's plays,

0:22:550:22:59

mainly in limerick form.

0:22:590:23:01

Sadly, he hardly ever made it to the end.

0:23:010:23:05

She's known as Nell down in Camberwell

0:23:050:23:07

With a trader she haggles and bickers

0:23:070:23:10

But she doesn't care if she sees me down there

0:23:100:23:12

-Cos I get a flash of her...

-Sire.

0:23:120:23:15

-And I am Ern.

-Little Ern.

-A sailor bold. I live on hard tack and rum.

0:23:150:23:18

I've got two gold stripes around my sleeve.

0:23:180:23:21

And two more on his... Hello, how are you?

0:23:210:23:23

There was a young lady from Reading

0:23:230:23:26

Who saw something move in the bedding

0:23:260:23:29

She didn't half jump when she saw this big lump

0:23:290:23:32

-and...

-How dare you?! Get out of here.

0:23:320:23:33

You should be ashamed of yourself.

0:23:330:23:35

The Queen and I are just good friends

0:23:350:23:38

You may have heard some rumours

0:23:380:23:40

-I've seen her on a windy day But I've never seen her...

-Stop.

0:23:420:23:46

Having started their careers in variety, Eric

0:23:470:23:50

and Ernie often asked their fellow acts to appear on their shows.

0:23:500:23:53

The landladies of some of the theatrical digs operated

0:23:540:23:58

a sort of showbiz apartheid.

0:23:580:24:00

Variety performers on one side of the house,

0:24:000:24:03

legitimate actors on the other.

0:24:030:24:05

I know. I stayed at Mrs Mackay's.

0:24:050:24:08

Legitimate, or proper actor, Dame Flora Robson,

0:24:080:24:11

was having none of this.

0:24:110:24:13

And when she clocked Morecambe and Wise over the bacon and eggs

0:24:130:24:17

one morning, she went straight over to join them.

0:24:170:24:20

They stayed friends for years.

0:24:200:24:22

And the boys eventually repaid the compliment

0:24:220:24:25

by making a complete fool of her on the show.

0:24:250:24:27

Your Majesty, we are on the verge of a catastrophic war.

0:24:270:24:30

This is no place for a third class writer of rubbish.

0:24:300:24:33

-Ern, it's quite good up to now.

-I mean your poetry.

0:24:330:24:36

My dear Sir Walter. I must insist that you control yourself.

0:24:360:24:40

May I defend myself once again by reading you a poem, Your Majesty?

0:24:400:24:43

Of course.

0:24:430:24:44

-Have you got the scrolls?

-I didn't think you'd notice.

0:24:480:24:51

May I, Your Majesty, take the weight off my sonnets?

0:24:580:25:02

Your Majesty, this is no time for poetry.

0:25:020:25:05

-Sir Walter, there is always time for the written word.

-That's true, love.

0:25:050:25:09

Please, Mr Shakespeare.

0:25:090:25:11

I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.

0:25:130:25:15

It's too late now, Ern, don't worry about it.

0:25:150:25:17

Get off my cloak!

0:25:170:25:19

-Just hold the end there, will you? I've written this for you.

-Ah!

0:25:200:25:25

-When I consider...everything that grows...

-How beautiful.

0:25:250:25:30

A tree, a flower

0:25:300:25:33

The corns on your toes...

0:25:330:25:35

Corns on your toes?

0:25:350:25:37

How dare you say such things in front of high-up people!

0:25:370:25:41

-At least I paid to get in.

-What do you mean, paid to get in?

0:25:430:25:47

Just because you're Raleigh and invented the bike,

0:25:470:25:49

-you think you know everything.

-That's rubbish.

0:25:490:25:52

Please, arise, Sir Walter.

0:25:530:25:55

What does she think I am, a midget or something?

0:25:570:26:00

-She's staring at me all the time.

-Why not?

0:26:000:26:02

Your face looks like a slashed cinema seat.

0:26:020:26:04

It would appear that I was misguided in thinking that

0:26:060:26:09

you would be of help to me in these difficult times.

0:26:090:26:11

-Sorry, Your Majesty.

-I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.

-Arise, Sir Walter.

0:26:110:26:15

I am risen. What's she going on and on about that for?

0:26:150:26:19

Let us try and deal with the more immediate problem of Spain

0:26:190:26:23

-and in particular the evil Philip.

-Yes.

0:26:230:26:26

Your Majesty, I have a little poser.

0:26:260:26:28

Well, can't fight nature, Ern.

0:26:280:26:31

Now that's enough. Shut up!

0:26:320:26:34

What are you going to do about King Philip of Spain?

0:26:340:26:37

Oh, King Philip of Spain, let the Spanish fleet take to the sea,

0:26:370:26:39

-I don't care.

-But you need men. Have you got the chaps?

0:26:390:26:42

Yes, it's the knicker on this inside.

0:26:420:26:44

-Sonia's revenge, we call it.

-And why not?

0:26:470:26:49

I have decided that if it would prevent war,

0:26:490:26:53

this marriage, much as I dislike it, will take place.

0:26:530:26:57

Your Majesty, I am deeply moved...

0:27:030:27:06

that your love...

0:27:060:27:08

of this land and its people should make you make such a sacrifice.

0:27:080:27:14

ERIC SNORES

0:27:160:27:18

-And that goes double for me, Your Majesty.

-Yes.

0:27:230:27:26

Dame Flora said she was delighted to receive the call

0:27:270:27:30

to appear on the show

0:27:300:27:31

because it reminded her management she was still alive.

0:27:310:27:36

My management got their reminder in 1977.

0:27:360:27:38

At the time, The Good Life was a huge success, but being asked

0:27:390:27:43

to appear in one of Ernie's little plays was every actress's dream.

0:27:430:27:48

Would I play the part of Roxanne in Cyrano De Bergerac? Would I!

0:27:480:27:54

Come in.

0:27:540:27:56

KNOCKING

0:27:560:27:57

-Mademoiselle Roxanne.

-How very quaint.

0:28:010:28:04

This one is already on his knees.

0:28:040:28:06

The meter is under the stairs.

0:28:080:28:10

I've not come to read the meter, Mademoiselle,

0:28:100:28:12

remember I was at the theatre last night?

0:28:120:28:14

-Oh, yes, I remember you.

-Ah, she remembers me!

0:28:140:28:17

-Mademoiselle, I don't know how to say I love you.

-Aha!

-Try.

0:28:170:28:22

I love Roxanne.

0:28:220:28:24

-If you love your life...

-You won't, I haven't finished with it yet.

0:28:240:28:27

All right, you wouldn't say that

0:28:270:28:29

-if my friend Cyrano de Bergerac was here.

-Is he coming here?

0:28:290:28:33

Yes, he's the greatest swordsman in all of Paris and France.

0:28:330:28:36

And he has the biggest hooter.

0:28:360:28:38

-Why's the silly creature coming here?

-I don't know,

0:28:380:28:41

but I can hear him. Yes, here he comes now, Cyrano de Bergerac.

0:28:410:28:44

Evening, all, sorry I'm late,

0:29:060:29:08

but I've just been to the optician's and he said he couldn't see me.

0:29:080:29:11

Roxanne.

0:29:280:29:30

-As beautiful as ever.

-Thank you very much.

0:29:300:29:33

-She's there.

-Has this accident been reported?

0:29:330:29:35

Madame, you are beautiful.

0:29:370:29:39

Just how did your nose get so long?

0:29:430:29:46

It was when my nanny used to lift me out of the bath.

0:29:460:29:49

It could have been worse.

0:29:520:29:53

Or better.

0:29:590:30:01

Roxanne... I love you.

0:30:030:30:05

Roxanne, I love you.

0:30:050:30:08

I love you, Roxanne. But alas, you are only a child.

0:30:080:30:11

On my last birthday cake, there were 21 candles, weren't there, Cyrano?

0:30:110:30:15

There was on my slice.

0:30:150:30:17

You bounder!

0:30:180:30:20

It's the way he tells them.

0:30:200:30:22

Perhaps you would like to feel the edge of my blade.

0:30:220:30:25

I am ready when you are, Mr Wilkinson.

0:30:250:30:27

You long-nosed fool.

0:30:290:30:30

Nobody calls me a long-nosed fool and gets away with it.

0:30:300:30:34

I wouldn't let him insult your great big conk.

0:30:340:30:36

Nobody insults my...this and gets away with it.

0:30:360:30:39

-No-one makes nasty remarks about his big snitch.

-Yes. It's not nice.

0:30:390:30:43

-You must have satisfaction.

-You are very kind,

0:30:430:30:45

but let me deal with this fellow first.

0:30:450:30:47

-En garde.

-I'll deal with this nancy boy first.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

0:30:470:30:51

It's the way he walks.

0:30:510:30:53

Ha-ha, you coward!

0:30:550:30:57

En garde!

0:30:570:30:58

Thrust, parry. Thrust, parry.

0:31:010:31:03

Laurel, Hardy. Little and Large.

0:31:030:31:05

Oh!

0:31:070:31:09

Oh!

0:31:100:31:11

-Is he dead?

-No, he always looks like that.

-Oh, excuse me!

0:31:120:31:17

-Certainly, what have you done?

-Oh!

0:31:170:31:19

-Mademoiselle, I throw myself at your feet.

-I should like that.

0:31:230:31:27

It's not fair, he'll be there before me.

0:31:270:31:29

-Are you looking at my legs?

-No, I'm above that.

0:31:310:31:34

Mademoiselle, everything I have is yours.

0:31:400:31:42

Would you like to buy a magnifying glass?

0:31:420:31:45

Where did you get those big, beautiful, brown eyes?

0:31:470:31:50

-They came with the face.

-It's a beautiful perfume, what is it?

0:31:500:31:54

-Expensive, £20 an ounce.

-Really, smell that.

0:31:540:31:57

-What's that?

-Gravy, 20p a gallon.

0:31:570:31:59

Oh!

0:32:010:32:03

I want a man who is as strong as a lion, extremely handsome

0:32:050:32:09

and as wise as Solomon.

0:32:090:32:12

Lucky we met.

0:32:120:32:13

If I married you, what would happen when I reached 40?

0:32:160:32:19

I'd change you for two 20s.

0:32:190:32:21

Would you like a little drink?

0:32:210:32:23

That's very kind, I'll help myself to a lager.

0:32:230:32:25

I found it very hard to keep a straight face

0:32:280:32:30

when Eric pretended that I'd goosed him.

0:32:300:32:33

But as you can see, I wasn't his only victim.

0:32:330:32:36

Thank you.

0:32:430:32:44

Come on.

0:32:500:32:51

Hey! They're all at it.

0:32:520:32:55

As the years went on, audiences grew ever larger,

0:32:550:32:59

and the names got bigger.

0:32:590:33:01

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vanilla Red-nose.

0:33:010:33:05

The Duke of Wellington at your service, sir.

0:33:050:33:08

Napoleon Bonaparte at your...

0:33:080:33:09

I hope you realise that tent pole is loose.

0:33:210:33:24

How dare you, sir! That tent pole happens to be

0:33:240:33:28

the Empress Josephine.

0:33:280:33:29

-Tell him who you are.

-I am indeed the Empress Josephine of France...

0:33:310:33:36

But what are you doing up the front?

0:33:360:33:39

Not that it matters, it suits you.

0:33:390:33:42

The Emperor wishes to discuss the Battle of Waterloo.

0:33:420:33:45

A strange name for a battle, don't you feel?

0:33:450:33:48

-I've had no water and I certainly couldn't find...

-How dare you!

0:33:480:33:52

-Boney, my darling.

-He's over there, he slipped.

-Boney, my darling.

0:33:520:33:55

-Not tonight, Josephine.

-What does he mean by that?

0:33:560:34:00

-It is of little consequence.

-I'll second that.

0:34:000:34:02

What do you think of it so far?

0:34:040:34:06

Rubbish.

0:34:060:34:07

Come, let us sit down over here.

0:34:120:34:14

Let us sit down over here and talk over the terms of surrender.

0:34:200:34:23

-I will take everything down.

-That's good for a few laughs.

0:34:230:34:27

You've been giving him too much millet.

0:34:300:34:33

Have you got the scrolls?

0:34:350:34:37

No, I always walk like this.

0:34:370:34:39

-This meeting is now in session.

-Oh, yes.

0:34:450:34:48

Ow!

0:34:480:34:49

-Let's get to the point right away.

-I object.

-To what?

0:34:510:34:54

-You, you've got your hand on my knee.

-A nasty habit.

-Silence!

0:34:540:34:58

-Ow!

-These terms are a bit one-sided.

0:34:580:35:01

I should say they are.

0:35:010:35:02

Are you prepared to ratify my proposals?

0:35:020:35:05

I certainly am, put them on the table and pass me that mallet.

0:35:050:35:08

-You want everything your own way.

-Oh, you've heard.

0:35:080:35:11

Everything your own way. I will have nothing to do with these documents, sir.

0:35:110:35:14

-Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, sweetheart.

-Oh, yes?

0:35:140:35:17

What will happen to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms?

0:35:170:35:20

I'll tell you what happens to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms.

0:35:200:35:23

He will be dragged out by the dragoons.

0:35:250:35:27

Not a pretty sight.

0:35:290:35:30

I wouldn't look if I were you, it would put you off your dinner.

0:35:300:35:33

-I've never heard anything so terrible.

-Oh, you must have done.

0:35:330:35:36

What about Max Bygraves singing Deck Of Cards? That takes some beating.

0:35:360:35:40

During rehearsals,

0:35:420:35:43

Miss Redgrave would stand outside the BBC Television Centre

0:35:430:35:47

selling copies of the Morning Star, the communist newspaper. As you do.

0:35:470:35:52

One morning, she tried to flog Eric and Ernie a copy.

0:35:520:35:55

"No thanks, love," they said. "We're capitalists."

0:35:550:35:59

-I must be leaving now. This is terrible, you know.

-Yes.

0:35:590:36:03

-Yes, I'm not feeling myself.

-It looks as if you are.

0:36:030:36:06

-I'll see you later at the Regal.

-OK. Outside?

-Yes.

0:36:090:36:12

-And don't forget your promise.

-I say, you'll find me in the anteroom.

0:36:120:36:16

Give her my love.

0:36:160:36:19

-We are alone.

-I'm ready when you are, pally.

-Poor Napoleon.

-Oh, yeah.

0:36:190:36:24

He's been through a very bad time.

0:36:240:36:26

Ever since his retreat from Moscow, he's been very cold towards me.

0:36:260:36:29

Well, with all that deep snow and those short legs, say no more.

0:36:290:36:33

Nudge nudge. Think think.

0:36:370:36:40

Over there. Would, er...

0:36:400:36:42

-Would you care for something to warm you up?

-I would very much.

0:36:440:36:47

Well, I think I've got a packet of extra strong mints in my greatcoat.

0:36:470:36:51

-I think not.

-Oh, no.

0:36:510:36:53

-Welly?

-Yes?

-Napoleon has been so engrossed in his battle

0:36:530:36:56

that he's tended to neglect me.

0:36:560:36:58

-Oh.

-I am a woman.

0:36:580:37:00

Have you told him?

0:37:000:37:02

I like you.

0:37:030:37:04

Midnight In Paris.

0:37:090:37:11

2.15 in Darlington.

0:37:120:37:14

What really lifted Ernie's plays into the realm of great art

0:37:160:37:21

was his gift for dialogue.

0:37:210:37:23

Language was freed from the mundane constraints of grammar

0:37:230:37:27

and set free on wings of nonsense.

0:37:270:37:31

I know that he has it in him to be a great journalist.

0:37:310:37:33

His reports will silence the tongues of them what mock you.

0:37:330:37:38

This country is a democracy and he is the one what was elected.

0:37:380:37:44

How brave they are. They are not afraid, like what I am.

0:37:440:37:49

I am a young woman, I need

0:37:490:37:52

the love of a man who burns within.

0:37:520:37:56

Like what I do.

0:37:560:37:58

In 1976, Michelle Dotrice was a household name as Betty,

0:38:000:38:04

Frank Spencer's long-suffering

0:38:040:38:06

and faithful wife in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

0:38:060:38:09

Here, Eddie Braben and the boys brilliantly cast her against type

0:38:090:38:15

as a predatory Lady Chatterley character

0:38:150:38:17

in The Handyman And Milady.

0:38:170:38:20

Ah, Romeo!

0:38:220:38:24

Ah, there you are, Constance, my dear.

0:38:250:38:29

-Has the new handyman arrived yet?

-You have a new handyman?

-Yes.

0:38:400:38:46

I nearly fell over then. Yes, a chap called Smellors.

0:38:480:38:52

-Oh, I do hope he's handsome, masculine and virile.

-Yes.

0:38:520:38:58

Evening, all. I'm sorry I'm late.

0:39:040:39:07

But I was loading the gun dog.

0:39:070:39:09

It went off in my hand.

0:39:090:39:11

Good Lord!

0:39:130:39:14

That bus must have been going at a hell of a lick

0:39:140:39:17

when it ran over your cat, sir.

0:39:170:39:19

-How do you do, sir? How do you do?

-How do I do what?

0:39:200:39:25

-What an attractive man. Please.

-Yes.

-Please, do sit down.

0:39:250:39:30

Certainly I will. Thank you.

0:39:300:39:32

-What did you say your name was?

-Smellors.

0:39:340:39:38

I want you.

0:39:390:39:42

I want you to meet me outside the French windows in five minutes.

0:39:440:39:48

-Five minutes by the French windows?

-Yes, and bring some transport.

-Yes.

0:39:480:39:52

But before you go...

0:39:520:39:54

Well...

0:39:590:40:01

I've just lost a back stud!

0:40:010:40:02

-That's just for starters.

-I can't wait for dessert!

0:40:030:40:07

-Which is the way out?

-This way.

-Never mind, this will do.

0:40:100:40:14

Ahhh...

0:40:210:40:23

Would you like to do what we always like to do after a sherry?

0:40:230:40:26

Oh, what's that?

0:40:260:40:28

Accompany ourselves on the piano.

0:40:280:40:30

Psst!

0:40:330:40:35

-Play the long introduction.

-Right.

0:40:350:40:39

# ..Yoooo-ooo-oouuu...

0:40:530:40:57

# I will answer tooo-ooo-ooo... #

0:40:570:41:02

Dame Judi Dench was another star who got the inevitable call.

0:41:020:41:06

Her Jekyll and Hyde sketch is a classic,

0:41:060:41:09

but her fondest memory of the recording

0:41:090:41:12

was Eric teaching her to do this.

0:41:120:41:15

BAG SNAPS

0:41:170:41:19

Oh, what a day! What a wonderful day!

0:41:200:41:24

First of all I went to Harrods and sorted out a couple of nightdresses.

0:41:240:41:28

Then I went to Selfridge's and sorted out a couple of hats.

0:41:280:41:31

Then I went to the Army & Navy Stores

0:41:310:41:33

and sorted out a couple of soldiers.

0:41:330:41:35

Then I went to Harvey Nichols.

0:41:360:41:38

I asked the manager if I could try on a dress in a window.

0:41:380:41:40

He said, "Yes, it could be good for business."

0:41:400:41:43

Then I cycled home naked on a penny-farthing.

0:41:450:41:47

That's cheap!

0:41:470:41:48

-What have you been doing today, my dear?

-I thought you'd never ask.

0:41:500:41:54

Look, Henry. Look what I bought for our honeymoon.

0:41:540:41:59

-Isn't it beautiful?

-Very pretty.

0:41:590:42:00

Did you get one for yourself as well?

0:42:000:42:03

I'm sorry, my dear. I'm sorry, but you must leave immediately.

0:42:030:42:07

You see, what you don't realise is, I'm on the verge of getting it.

0:42:070:42:11

Well, if you're on the verge of getting it, why do you want me to leave?

0:42:110:42:14

Please. Please, you must leave immediately.

0:42:140:42:18

See you at supper.

0:42:190:42:20

Now to put my theory to the test.

0:42:260:42:28

Be brave, Dr Jekyll.

0:42:340:42:36

Who knows ought of honour who only knows ought of...honour

0:42:360:42:39

who...only knows ought of...honour...?

0:42:390:42:42

Cheers!

0:42:420:42:44

Unnngh...

0:42:530:42:56

Nnnnggghh!

0:42:560:42:58

HE SNARLS

0:43:130:43:16

Now, THERE'S a novelty!

0:43:190:43:21

It worked! It worked!

0:43:260:43:29

Who's a pretty boy, then?

0:43:340:43:36

My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy.

0:43:380:43:41

And there's badness in the balls of my feet.

0:43:410:43:44

Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentlemen,

0:43:450:43:47

on an unbridled lust tour.

0:43:470:43:51

I shall probably end up in a Wimpy Bar.

0:43:530:43:56

There must be plenty of haunts in London where I could hide.

0:43:560:44:00

HE GASPS

0:44:000:44:02

Where I can hide...!

0:44:020:44:03

That's what I shall call myself...

0:44:040:44:06

Mr Where I Can.

0:44:060:44:08

Henry?

0:44:150:44:17

-Henry, where are you?

-DR JEKYLL: Ohhh!

0:44:180:44:21

Henry, where are you? Sorry.

0:44:220:44:25

Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.

0:44:260:44:29

Ah!

0:44:300:44:32

I wonder...

0:44:320:44:34

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-..where 'Enry is.

0:44:340:44:37

MUSIC: "The Stripper"

0:44:370:44:39

Our next leading lady made over 30 appearances with Morecambe and Wise.

0:44:470:44:52

Between 1969 and 1972,

0:44:520:44:55

she was one of the most famous faces in the land.

0:44:550:44:59

But few people then or now know her name.

0:44:590:45:02

Here's one of her early appearances.

0:45:020:45:05

-We've got some birds coming along.

-What did you say?

0:45:050:45:08

-We've got some birds coming.

-Birds?

-Yeah.

-Bring them on, then!

0:45:080:45:11

What are you waiting for?

0:45:110:45:12

-Oh, I like yours, Dickie!

-Thank you.

-Very good.

0:45:140:45:17

You haven't done bad either!

0:45:170:45:19

Could I have a word with the men?

0:45:330:45:35

There's a slight discrepancy in the number of girls.

0:45:380:45:42

-I've got one.

-I've got one.

0:45:420:45:44

Yeah, you've got one and you've got one.

0:45:440:45:47

I've got TWO!

0:45:470:45:48

Her name was Janet Webb.

0:45:510:45:54

She'd already had some success as an actress

0:45:540:45:57

and she smartly used her role on the Morecambe and Wise Show

0:45:570:46:00

to get as much attention as she could.

0:46:000:46:03

We recently unearthed this letter from Janet urging

0:46:040:46:07

BBC producer Albert Stevenson to watch her on the show.

0:46:070:46:10

"March 17, 1964.

0:46:120:46:15

"Dear Albert, I hope you don't mind me writing to you again.

0:46:150:46:20

"I have done quite a few

0:46:200:46:21

"Morecambe and Wise shows for the series not yet seen.

0:46:210:46:25

"I'm afraid the producer doesn't know what dates

0:46:250:46:27

"they will be released on, except one.

0:46:270:46:30

"This he is sure of - April 25th at 8.25.

0:46:300:46:35

"Perhaps if you are near a set on this date, you could

0:46:350:46:38

"kindly watch me and maybe,

0:46:380:46:40

"in one of your future shows, you could use me.

0:46:400:46:43

"Yours sincerely, Janet Vorzanger.

0:46:430:46:47

(professional name - Janet Webb)"

0:46:470:46:50

Here's the show she was talking about.

0:46:500:46:53

There are evil thoughts in this room.

0:46:530:46:57

Ninepence!

0:47:030:47:04

We must be very careful when Deidre goes under.

0:47:050:47:09

You're going under, love. I think she's under NOW.

0:47:090:47:12

-She will not be herself.

-No.

0:47:120:47:14

She will not be able to control her actions.

0:47:140:47:17

Really?

0:47:170:47:18

-We must not disturb her.

-Sorry, I thought you'd finished.

0:47:190:47:23

That's why I...

0:47:230:47:24

-You're doing a good job, love.

-Sleep... Sleep...

0:47:270:47:32

Sleep...

0:47:320:47:35

Now tell me... Is there anybody there?

0:47:350:47:38

Yes...

0:47:380:47:40

-Oh, stop it!

-No, it is him! He is a contact.

0:47:410:47:45

-He's only pulling your leg, madam.

-Tell me, are you in touch?

0:47:450:47:50

Nearly.

0:47:520:47:54

She eventually became known to millions

0:47:550:47:58

simply as the lady who comes on at the end.

0:47:580:48:01

BAND PLAYS: "Bring Me Sunshine"

0:48:010:48:04

To begin with, Janet didn't speak. She just blew kisses and bowed.

0:48:130:48:18

But over the years the joke developed and became

0:48:180:48:21

a speaking role in which she would say the exact same line every time.

0:48:210:48:26

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Thank you!

0:48:260:48:28

Thank you!

0:48:280:48:30

Thank you, thank you!

0:48:340:48:35

Thank you, everybody! Thank you.

0:48:360:48:38

Thank you.

0:48:380:48:40

I'd like to thank all of you

0:48:410:48:43

for watching me and my little show here tonight.

0:48:430:48:47

If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.

0:48:470:48:51

So until we meet again, good night

0:48:510:48:53

and I love you all!

0:48:530:48:55

Perhaps the most famous of all the plays what Ernie wrote

0:49:000:49:04

was Cleopatra, starring the great Glenda Jackson.

0:49:040:49:08

She was a huge star at the time.

0:49:080:49:10

Glenda was known as a serious actress, very serious.

0:49:100:49:14

Which made casting her all the more fun, naturally.

0:49:140:49:18

Before filming this sketch she asked Eric for tips on performing comedy.

0:49:180:49:21

His advice was simple - speak louder and faster.

0:49:210:49:26

And boy, did it work!

0:49:260:49:28

Tell me, sir, what is your mission here?

0:49:280:49:31

I've been sent from Rome by Julius and Caesar.

0:49:310:49:34

-Julius AND Caesar?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

0:49:340:49:36

He had a terrible accident while polishing his sword.

0:49:360:49:38

Am I right in assuming your sole purpose here is to spy on me?

0:49:400:49:44

-Is there anything to spy on?

-Meaning?

0:49:440:49:47

You and the little fella here.

0:49:470:49:49

A touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?" every now and again.

0:49:490:49:53

How dare you suggest a touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"

0:49:530:49:56

-Every now and again.

-Every now and again.

0:49:560:49:58

-You should be ashamed of yourself! There's nothing going on.

-What are you doing here, then?

0:49:580:50:02

-I came to see if the Queen has got everything.

-And has she?

-Yes! You've looked?

-No!

0:50:020:50:06

-How dare you?!

-Well, why are his legs blushing?

-Oh!

0:50:060:50:10

-Psst!

-Eh? What?

0:50:100:50:13

Don't let him frighten you.

0:50:170:50:19

Yes, but if he tells Julius Caesar about you and I, you know,

0:50:190:50:21

with the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"

0:50:210:50:24

I'll lose me pension and me gold watch.

0:50:240:50:27

All men are fools and what makes them so

0:50:270:50:29

is having beauty like what I have got.

0:50:290:50:32

You're right, you're right.

0:50:320:50:34

-You have a plan?

-Leave me alone with him.

0:50:400:50:43

-Leave me alone with him for five minutes.

-Five minutes?

-Five minutes.

0:50:490:50:54

I will incriminate him and then we need fear nothing he may do.

0:50:580:51:03

Please! He is a soldier of Rome. It is impossible to incriminate him.

0:51:030:51:07

-Leave me alone with him!

-OK, just as you say, Cleo.

0:51:070:51:11

What do you think of it so far?

0:51:110:51:13

Rubbish!

0:51:130:51:14

-Noble sir...

-Thank you.

-Can I do something for you?

0:51:210:51:24

-Can I attend to your camel?

-Please do, you'll find it outside.

0:51:240:51:27

-You can't miss it, it looks like a horse with an airlock.

-Right.

0:51:270:51:30

Put this on the hump in case it freezes tonight.

0:51:300:51:33

Bye-bye, Cleo.

0:51:330:51:36

-A magnificent beast.

-The camel?

0:51:360:51:38

No, Ern.

0:51:380:51:39

Eric's advice gave us more than just that sketch.

0:51:390:51:43

Famously, Hollywood producer Melvin Frank saw Glenda on the show

0:51:430:51:48

and, realising she could do comedy,

0:51:480:51:51

offered her the lead in A Touch Of Class.

0:51:510:51:54

Her performance won her the Oscar for Best Actress in 1973.

0:51:540:51:58

Cheers, Eric!

0:51:580:52:00

Yours, I think.

0:52:000:52:02

-How do you like me stroking your hair?

-It's marvellous, it really is.

0:52:080:52:11

But don't overdo it. I've only got eight and six of those are Ern's.

0:52:110:52:15

Psst!

0:52:150:52:17

Don't forget to put the sleeking kowder...the sleeking kowder...

0:52:190:52:23

-..in his kocolate.

-I geg your gardon?

0:52:240:52:27

-The sleeking kowder...

-The sleeking kowder!

0:52:300:52:33

-In his kocolate!

-In his kocolate!

0:52:330:52:36

-Sleeking kowder?

-Yes!

0:52:360:52:38

We can sling him in the Nile.

0:52:380:52:40

Ah!

0:52:400:52:41

-Another drink?

-A gottle of geer, if you have it!

0:52:450:52:48

Thank you.

0:52:550:52:57

I...

0:52:590:53:01

HE SNORES

0:53:010:53:02

-Very powerful stuff. Very potent.

-When did you last see a woman?

0:53:020:53:06

I've forgotten, sir.

0:53:060:53:08

It's no good trying to fight me.

0:53:100:53:12

Your little heart is pounding like a whippet in a bowler hat.

0:53:120:53:16

-But you're in love with...Mark Antony.

-Me...and Mark Antony?!

0:53:170:53:22

-YES!

-Don't mention that man's name to me!

0:53:220:53:26

-I can't stand the sight of him!

-Wait a minute! I heard that!

0:53:260:53:30

I'm Mark Antony. It's time for me to act!

0:53:300:53:33

That'll be the day.

0:53:330:53:35

-You love the Queen.

-I loved her once.

-Once?

0:53:350:53:39

You told me you were a centurion. You're all talk, you are!

0:53:390:53:42

Mark Antony, you have been and always will be a fool!

0:53:440:53:47

You are treating me as a big prawn! ERIC CHUCKLES

0:53:470:53:51

Well, you can't fight nature!

0:53:510:53:54

-I love you!

-Of course you do!

0:53:540:53:55

-I want you to take me with you to Rome.

-She lies!

0:53:550:53:57

-She lies!

-What an actor!

-She thinks all men are fools and what makes them so

0:53:570:54:00

is having beauty like what she has got.

0:54:000:54:03

-My Queen.

-What is it, Desdemona?

0:54:030:54:05

Looks more like Des O'Connor.

0:54:050:54:07

-Go on.

-My Queen, terrible news from abroad.

0:54:080:54:12

-They want the Oscar back.

-They want it back.

0:54:120:54:14

-Speak, Desdemona!

-Speak!

0:54:160:54:18

If you go to Rome with that man, you will surely die.

0:54:180:54:22

-Is this true?

-As sure as the sun rises above the Co-op in Cairo.

0:54:220:54:25

-Who are you?

-Who am I? I'll tell you whom I am.

0:54:270:54:30

I am Octavian Caesar, nephew of Julius Caesar,

0:54:300:54:34

ruler of the world and certain parts of Birkenhead.

0:54:340:54:37

-Julius and Caesar's nephew?

-Yes.

-I don't believe it.

0:54:390:54:42

Now do you see why he wants you to go with him?

0:54:420:54:44

You said that without moving your lips.

0:54:440:54:46

-As his prisoners!

-She can do it as well!

0:54:460:54:49

-To face Julius and Caesar is certain death!

-That's true.

0:54:510:54:55

Certain death! No, please!

0:54:550:54:58

-Get off!

-Please, please! I don't want to be slewed!

0:54:580:55:01

Please!

0:55:010:55:03

Don't throw me to the lions. They won't like me, I'm all gristle.

0:55:030:55:06

-But you have made love to the Queen!

-It was nothing!

0:55:060:55:09

I can believe that.

0:55:090:55:10

Then you intend seeing this through to the bitter end?

0:55:120:55:15

-Well, we might as well, we've all learnt the words, haven't we?

-We've learnt the words!

0:55:150:55:19

-How do you feel about it?

-Yeah, we'll carry on.

0:55:190:55:21

-See how it goes.

-I have one final request.

0:55:210:55:23

-Well, hurry up, cos you are running a bit late.

-A final request?

0:55:230:55:26

If I am to die, let it be by my own hand.

0:55:260:55:28

-NO!

-A fine actor, that boy.

0:55:280:55:30

Fetch me the asp!

0:55:320:55:33

-That's a poisonous snake!

-Is it?

-Yes!

0:55:360:55:39

-There's an asp in that!

-Yeah, there is!

0:55:390:55:41

Would you hold the basket while I remove the lid?

0:55:410:55:44

Certainly.

0:55:440:55:45

This deadly serpent will put an end to my misery by biting me

0:55:460:55:50

on the breast!

0:55:500:55:52

-Could I have a word with you, please?

-Yes.

0:56:010:56:03

-Is that official?

-Yes, it's all in the play.

0:56:040:56:06

-The snake comes out of the basket and bites her on the breast.

-Fine.

0:56:060:56:09

-End it for me now!

-Ready when you are, pally!

0:56:090:56:12

-What are you doing?

-I'm warming up the snake!

-D'oh!

0:56:220:56:25

-You're disgusting, you are!

-Of course I am, you fool!

0:56:250:56:28

-Put me out of my misery!

-All right, he's been asleep for three months.

0:56:280:56:31

You've been in a sling, haven't you?

0:56:310:56:34

Don't forget your promise. And look at me when I'm talking to you.

0:56:340:56:38

-Go on, enjoy yourself, it's your birthday. Ready!

-Ready!

-It missed!

0:56:380:56:42

-Again!

-Agh!

-She's too quick for me.

-Aaagh!

-Pardon?

-Aaagh!

0:56:420:56:46

-Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

-Aaaagh! Ohhh...

0:56:460:56:50

-Is she dead?

-Yes, she's dead.

0:56:500:56:52

I'm going to do something now I've never done to a lady on television before.

0:56:520:56:55

-What are you going to do?

-I'm going to pinch her Oscar.

0:56:550:56:58

Well, sadly, that's all we have time for.

0:56:590:57:02

Despite his obvious talents as a historical dramatist,

0:57:020:57:06

it's not little Ern's plays

0:57:060:57:09

that have gone down in history, but their stars.

0:57:090:57:12

Nowadays, seeing celebrities treated with that sort of irreverence

0:57:120:57:15

is commonplace, but in the '60s and '70s it was still

0:57:150:57:20

thrillingly new, for the performers as much as the audience.

0:57:200:57:24

A new level of superstardom found its match in a new level of mockery.

0:57:240:57:30

I think I speak on behalf of all Eric and Ernie's leading ladies

0:57:300:57:33

when I say, yes, there was Redford, Newman and McQueen

0:57:330:57:38

but, when it came to leading men,

0:57:380:57:40

no-one did it quite like Eric and Ern.

0:57:400:57:44

Good night, and I love you all!

0:57:440:57:47

HE BREAKS WIND

0:58:070:58:09

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