The Curtains Morecambe & Wise In Pieces

Ladies and gentlemen, when I tell you who our next guest star is,

you'll know why she's one of the most

popular actresses on television today.

Here she is, that star of television, your friend and mine -

Miss Penelope Keith. APPLAUSE

Penelope, I must say, it's really great to have you on the show.

We're thrilled, aren't we, Eric? It really is marvellous.

-LAUGHTER

-Thank you very much, Kermit.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's like being on the puppet show.

Muppet.

No, dear, puppet.

Eric Morecambe...

Ernie Wise...

..and those curtains.

LAUGHTER

They were more than just a prop,

they were almost a character in their own right.

Anything could emerge from behind them.

Let's give a big, warm welcome to Rosie Morecambe.

APPLAUSE

And then you've got to learn...

Ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, it can't be!

-Try that.

-Try that?

-Yeah, go on, try that.

Just once more, that's all, son! Just once more!

Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!

What's this?

-It's a gimmick.

-Is this a gimmick?

-(A sensation.)

-Is it really?

(Oh, this must be good.)

-I've got to see this.

-You watch this. Have you got a drum roll?

-You want me to give you one?

-A small one.

-HE IMITATES DRUM

-Not too much, I might like it.

(Right.)

HE GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

-Amazing.

-Eh?

-I'm amazed.

That is sensational.

Welcome to tonight's show, which looks at Morecambe and Wise

and those pieces of cloth that hung down behind them.

In the 1970s, those tan drapes were synonymous with great comedy

and, as a bonus, they meant Eric and Ernie

could use their old variety material.

They were entirely superfluous, really. Think about it.

You don't need curtains and a stage in a television studio,

but Eric and Ernie had insisted on them and it worked.

The ladies and gentlemen have come here to be entertained.

-Here?

-Yeah.

-What for?

-Tell them all about the show.

-Have we got a show for you tonight, folks.

-Have we got a show for you tonight.

-HE LAUGHS

-Hey?

-What?

-Have we got a show for them tonight?

Of course we have!

Suddenly, we weren't in a vast, soulless studio,

we were in a variety theatre, a music hall, front row stalls,

and through the curtains walked two of the funniest men we'd ever seen.

Hey, Eric.

-Yes.

-Eric, listen...

-Why didn't we come through together?

-We were stood there.

-I've got a great idea.

-Eh?

-I've got a great idea.

This is an idea that's going to make this the top show on television.

-Are you leaving then?

-LAUGHTER

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to my major play

and I can't tell you what a great pleasure it gives me.

And he's not the only one.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get off!

The front cloth, as it's known, was part of their life for decades.

Eric Bartholomew and Ernest Wiseman

first met in front of it in 1939, aged 13,

when Eric was auditioning for the great impresario, Jack Hylton.

Ernie was already being billed as Britain's Mickey Rooney.

Eric, less experienced, younger and shorter - yes, shorter -

was wary of him and thought him big-headed.

We have Eric's mother Sadie to thank for their partnership.

She saw the potential, encouraged their friendship

and made comedy history in the process.

Bartholomew became Morecambe, Wiseman became Wise.

Within a few years, they were appearing all over the country

and always in front of the curtain, or front cloth.

Years later, when Eric and Ernie were TV stars, it seemed

the most natural thing in the world to use that cloth as a backdrop.

The first of their guests to join them there was

Peter Cushing in 1969.

He'd already appeared with another well-known double act in 1940.

So, naturally, Eric and Ern treated him with the respect he was due.

Still at the old margarine, eh?

LAUGHTER

"Still at the old margarine!" How does he think of them?

APPLAUSE

(This is Mr Peter Cushing.)

(What are you talking like that for?)

(He's giving you the aye-aye.)

Oh, good evening. That's a good line for a start.

Do you write all your own stuff?

Does he write all his own...?

Half a crown.

Does he write all his own stuff?

Mr Cushing, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is

to have you on the show.

Why can't you tell me?

Another gem in the can!

We like stuff like that.

Anything subtle. We like anything subtle, don't we? Anything.

I, uh...I wonder if I might ask you a question.

You said that without moving your lips!

No, excuse me, that was me. I wonder if I might ask you a question.

No, well, we never lend money to anybody.

-Especially to actors.

-Why are you...?

-Can I get one in?

-Yeah.

Nine out of ten for effort.

-Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?!

-Exactly!

Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?

-Not him, you!

-Not you, him!

That mockery was to become a hallmark of the shows.

You stepped through that cloth at your peril,

but the real joy of the curtain was that it put the boys back

where they were happiest - on the variety stage.

The medium may have changed, but the material was still sparkling fresh.

This is ridiculous. We've seen ventriloquists before.

You're wasting your time. Unless there's something different...

-What do you think?

-LAUGHTER

Well...I think you've got something there.

-It's different?

-Yes, it's different.

I mean, it's quite...

-Let's be honest...

-It's original.

Yes.

I thought what I might do, yeah...

-I'll tell you something.

-What?

He'll be a big lad when he grows up.

-Can you get him up?

-Eh?

-Can you get him up?

-Nothing to do with you.

-All right.

-What do you call him?

-Pardon?

-What do you call him?

-Poggy.

-Oh.

-Poggy, and he's solid oak.

-Solid oak?

-Yeah, I made him myself.

-Did you, really?

You know that big clearing in Epping Forest?

-It's him.

-No!

-About that...

-600 squirrels without homes now.

-No!

-And his pockets are full of nuts.

-No!

-Can you work it?

-Pardon?

-I said, "Can you work it?"

-How do you mean?

-Make it talk.

-Hah, well, I don't know because when he's up straight, you see...

-Yeah.

-When he's up straight...

-Yeah.

-I can't get my hand on his thing.

LAUGHTER

That giant dummy is a brilliant example of one of Eric's

favourite curtain gags, what's known in the trade as a reveal.

You know that little pocket radio transistor do-it-yourself thing

-you gave me as a present?

-Yes, I remember...

-I made it.

I've done it. I had a lot of fun doing it.

I didn't think you were clever enough to do that.

-Do you want to see it?

-I'd love to see it.

-I'll go and get it.

-All right.

-Have I got a key? Oh!

That's amazing! He made this little pocket transistor radio.

That's fabulous. I can't wait to see it.

LAUGHTER

-What do you think of that?

-I've never seen one that big.

-Not many people have.

-LAUGHTER

-I am engaged.

-You're what?!

-I am engaged!

-Well, I never did.

Oh, we all know that.

LAUGHTER

-I don't believe one word...

-Are you sure now?

-Of course I'm sure.

-I don't believe one word that you're engaged.

-I'll prove something to you.

Have you got the zip?

-What do you think of that?

-LAUGHTER

What's that?

Have you never seen an engagement ring before?

THAT'S an engagement ring?!

It's the last time Richard Burton'll play cards with me,

-I promise you that!

-LAUGHTER

-Hold it. Hold it.

-What is it?

-A Christmas tree.

-A Christmas tree?

-Yes.

-Yeah, I know, but what for?

-I got it for the flat, you see.

-We could put it next to the television, you see.

-It's...!

-The size of it!

-Yes.

-Where did you get it?

-Angus Munro.

-What? Where did he get it?

-Trafalgar Square.

-What?! Trafalgar Square!

We were very lucky. There was only one left.

APPLAUSE

We're going to take a trip down memory lane...

Have you seen my dog?

You've got a dog?

-Yeah.

-What sort is it?

Siberian puddle-maker.

LAUGHTER

-Have you seen him?

-No.

-I'll go and get him for you.

-No, don't bother.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd now like to take a trip down...

-Let's have him.

-LAUGHTER

-What's that?!

-Come on, let's have it.

That's not a dog!

Come on.

-Crikey! Don't bring him on here!

-Oh! Oh, oh...!

LAUGHTER

-Slipped his lead.

-Slipped his lead?!

-Come out of his collar.

-His collar?

-Yeah.

Well...what do you call him?

-Brutus.

-Brutus? Well, he must be enormous!

Knocked six lamp posts over last night.

LAUGHTER

He might...kill somebody!

-He bit the wife this morning.

-Yeah?

-Up like a balloon.

-Poor woman.

No, no, the dog. She's all right.

LAUGHTER

-Come on and see, I might get him for you.

-No, don't...!

Come on here! Eh?

Oh, look at that!

-He's run off.

-Run off?

-Thank goodness he's run off.

-Oh, we'll soon get him back.

-Roll up your trouser legs and shout din-dins.

-I can't do that!

-He's coming back.

-No, no, don't bring him back here.

You'll love him, I know it. Come here, come here.

Look, I'm not interested.

What we were going to do was take a stroll down memory lane.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

-Eh?

-Well, you certainly fooled me!

When you were doing all that pulling backwards and forwards and I saw this

big lead and everything, I expected this sort of big, "Grrr!"

would come bounding on. Really!

And then I see this little thing that you've got!

I did, I thought!

LAUGHTER

You...

LAUGHTER

You worry me at times, do you know that?

I've got a wet hand now.

APPLAUSE

Eric's withering look at Ernie there is wonderful.

Eddie Braben is justly famous as Eric and Ernie's writer,

but less well known is their producer and director, John Ammonds.

John was initially against the idea of using a stage and curtains -

this was television after all and nothing to be ashamed of.

But Eric and Ernie stuck to their guns and, eventually,

John realised they were right.

It meant moments of magic, like this.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.

Could I have a close-up, please?

This is the cover, ladies and gentlemen...

CRASHING BEHIND CURTAIN

-What was that?

-I'm sorry about that.

-That's all right.

-It's very simple.

Somebody's left a coil of rope back here and I've got my foot

-caught in it.

-You have?

-I'm terribly sorry about that.

-Yes, well...

-Can you manage on your own?

-I'll carry on all right.

I'll try and get it fixed at the back.

-I'll do my dance?

-Yes.

-All right.

No, that'll get laughs. You don't want that.

-Do my song then?

-No, don't do your song either.

-I'll tell you what...

-What?

-Forget it. Just give me a hand with this.

Is there anything you can do?

-I think I can do something.

-Can you manage on your own?

-I can manage.

-A lovely audience.

Yes, I saw them arriving on the buses.

They look like it's over their heads. They're very good.

-I like them like that, they're more friendly.

-Yes.

It's the guns that make them laugh, you know.

As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen...

-Are you telling them about the LP?

-I'm telling them about my new LP,

-by public demand.

-Lovely. What's it called?

Mr Wonderful.

-Mr Wonderful?

-Yes.

-A modest little title.

LAUGHTER

-It's not my fault!

-I know, I know. It makes it very difficult for me.

-I'm trying to plug my new LP.

-I do understand that,

-but the point is he's picked the wrong rope to pull.

-Oh, has he?

LAUGHTER

-Look...

-Oh, I'm nearer to the sun than you, now.

-Will you slacken off, please?

-Eh?

-Slacken off the rope.

-Oh, you're talking to him.

-Yes.

-You had me worried there.

-He's lowering you gently.

-That's good of you. There's nothing I can do

-about it.

-I don't want anything to happen to you.

I got my foot caught.

-I'm sorry about this.

-Yeah. It makes it very difficult.

Of course it does. Oh!

There's nothing I can do about it, Ern.

It's difficult for me, I'm trying to plug my record.

I know. I'll tell you what. Who's done the backing on the record?

-Uh, Mrs Mills.

-You took a chance.

Oh, yes, and one of the...

LAUGHTER

-There's nothing I can do!

-It's impossible!

You can't see the dandruff.

-You can see nothing.

-Hold it!

-Hold it, hold it!

Hold it, hold, hold!

Be careful now, Mr Wise is annoyed!

LAUGHTER

And when half a star gets annoyed, watch out.

-I don't want anything to happen to you.

-No, why?

Have you got some joke coming up?

LAUGHTER

You got something in mind when you say things like...

Hey, you can't see the join from here!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry about all this.

-Now, listen!

-What?

-Up there.

-(Yes.)

-Listen very carefully, slacken off number three.

-Number three, rope.

-Not number two, number three.

-Number three or number two?

-Take it easy. Drop him slowly.

-That's good.

-That's fine.

-That's very good. I much appreciate this, Ern.

One of the best things you've done for me.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I will go round the back there

-and I will untangle your legs from the rope.

-What a good idea.

-Excuse me a moment.

-I'm sorry about all this, I really am.

If I come out, can you...? Can you make it?

-It's all right, I'm getting there.

-Hey! Cheeky!

LAUGHTER I'm getting you loose now.

I hope that was you, because I know you better than anybody else.

-Oh, lovely. Are you all right?

-Yes.

-Up with him, boys.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what...

Could I have a close-up, please?

APPLAUSE

# Hey, good-looking... #

John Ammonds had started out in 1941 as a special effects operator.

He first worked with Eric and Ernie in 1954

as producer of the radio show, You're Only Young Once.

They stayed friends as well as colleagues

for the rest of their careers.

When Eric and Ernie returned to the BBC from ATV in 1968,

John Ammonds was in like a shot.

He became the first BBC producer in history to cancel a holiday,

a record he holds to this day.

How long is this going to run? Do you know?

The way we're working now, that new format we seem to be working to,

-that's about right.

-What format?!

-As he laughingly said, "A format!"

-No, the laughing line, that is new.

LAUGHTER

It was Eric who insisted on the theatrical setting for the show.

He simply felt more at home with it.

He even asked John to keep the camera on a simple,

full-length shot of them both, but there John drew the line.

He knew Eric's face was made for close-ups.

-Well, this is a genuine award.

-Ern...

you have my word as a gentleman.

That's good enough for me.

This boy is a fool.

LAUGHTER

Do you want...?

Would you like me to sing a verse, you know, to start it off,

of Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding Through The Glen?

LAUGHTER

It's the theme tune, you know, the...

Well, if it turns you on.

Thank you.

You know what the trouble with you is? You're so conceited.

You're so full of yourself.

Why don't you show a little humility once in a while?

Now, get off.

LAUGHTER

There's no business like big business.

-In this, I play the part of a very big business executive.

-Oh, yes.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's meet a man who through his meteoric...

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet a man...

LAUGHTER

..who's had a meteoric rise...

into international stardom...

LAUGHTER

..meteoric rise into international stardom...

That's three meteoric rises this fella's had

into international stardom. Is that all?

Then you can find nothing wrong with my play.

Perfection as always.

Do you really mean that?

You have my word as a gentleman.

Well, that's good enough for me.

This boy is a fool.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

The plays that Ernie wrote would attract the biggest names

as co-stars, but before the curtain went up

they'd be dragged in front of it for their ritual humiliation.

Not even a damehood could help you now.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to my dramatic masterpiece,

Queen Elizabeth I Of England.

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately, I'm not in it. I've only got a small part.

-There's no answer to that.

-No.

LAUGHTER

May I, please...I'd like to introduce you to our star guest now.

In person, Dame Flora Robson.

APPLAUSE

-She's chickened out.

-What do you mean, "chickened out?"

-She's chickened out.

-She agreed to do the play.

I'm telling you, she's gone.

-Where does she live?

-Down at Brighton.

-She's going right through Croydon at this minute.

-Nah.

I can't understand, I gave her strict instructions.

I said, "Dame Flora, studio six. Don't forget, see me in studio six."

Where?

Studio six.

This is studio six.

Right.

Well, I'll be off now. I'll put the sausages on.

It could be an early dinner tonight.

Where did you tell Dame Flora to come to?

Studio three.

LAUGHTER

Do you realise what she's doing now?

Sports Night with Coleman.

LAUGHTER

-That's terrible.

-No, it's a fair little show.

-I don't mean that.

-He sings now in the action replay.

I'm sorry I'm late, I went to studio three.

APPLAUSE

Do you know, a very charming young man kept asking me

if I'd be fit for Saturday.

LAUGHTER

Don't you remember me?

-No. Now, about the play...

-Yes?

-We should try and...

-Approach it with a certain...

Just do me one little favour. Cast your mind back to Manchester, 1952.

Were you in a play in Manchester in 1952?

-Yes, I was in a play in Manchester in 1952.

-Well, there you are.

And a very fine play, if I remember, sir.

A play written by a personal friend of mine, W Somerset Morgan.

LAUGHTER

As a matter of fact, it was written by my wife, Mary Hayley Bell.

-You weren't sure then for a minute.

-LAUGHTER

And I'm terribly sorry, but I really don't remember you.

-He doesn't remember you.

-My wife wouldn't remember you either, so...

I'm sorry about that. Look, hop it. Get off.

-I'm terribly sorry, it's very unnerving.

-I know.

One little moment, please.

A little greengrocer's shop next to the stage door.

You came in one day, I asked for your autograph,

you signed it for me...

-on a banana.

-LAUGHTER

On a banana?!

-On a banana.

-Yes, I do remember that.

-He wouldn't forget signing a banana!

-Eric, I'm sorry. How are you?

-Wahey! Nice to see you.

-Awfully sorry.

-That's all right.

On the banana you put,

"To Eric, yours very sincerely,

"John Fyffe Mills."

LAUGHTER

That's a few years ago now, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, it is. But I've still got that banana.

-After all these years?

Well, I've eaten the banana, but I kept the skin.

LAUGHTER

It's all shrivelled up now, you know.

Yes, I suppose it would be, I suppose.

It happens to us all, eventually.

LAUGHTER

-Look, will you go and get changed?

-Eh?

Go and get changed for the part.

Well, you can't call a score past that, let's be honest!

Excuse me, just a moment.

I saw that. Just watch it, that's all.

You're not queen here, you know.

And don't forget, if the play starts to dip in the middle,

go straight into the song.

-Song?

-Yes.

Old Man River.

LAUGHTER

I saw you sing it in a film.

Stood on a bale of cotton, you were...

-..the rain pouring down...

-No!

Please, that's enough.

-I remember it very well.

-She doesn't like reminding of that.

-Oh.

-Will you get changed?

-I'll get changed for the part.

-That's right.

-And I suggest you do the same.

LAUGHTER

Have you got a key?

-I'm terribly sorry, Dame...

-You forgot your award.

LAUGHTER

Well, John, if you'd, eh...

If you'd get changed for the big production number.

Yes, yes, of course. What have I got to sing?

-Sing?

-Yes.

A number from New Moon - Stout-Hearted Men.

-That's a fine song.

-Yes, it is.

The only trouble is, I do need a large chorus to back that, you know.

LAUGHTER

-You'll have a large chorus, sunbeam.

-LAUGHTER

-A LARGE chorus, I promise you.

-Oh, well, as long as you understand.

I just must have a large chorus...

Of course you'll have a flaming large chorus. What's the matter?

-You frightened to sing on your own?

-LAUGHTER

-Well, gentlemen, it'll be my pleasure.

-Of course.

If you go and get changed.

# My desert is waiting... #

Get off. We don't want that rubbish.

LAUGHTER

Wonderful to have you on the show.

Yes, I know. I can't tell you what a thrill it is for me

to be playing the star part in your new film.

-Wonderful.

-Oh, think nothing of it, Pete.

-Marvellous.

If I was asked to sum up your many qualities in one word...

LAUGHTER

If I was asked to sum up your many qualities in one word,

that word would be...

-Pathetic.

-Path...

LAUGHTER

The star of Casanova, Mr Frank Finlay!

Mr Finlay, you are indeed a special guest.

My pleasure.

I know, I saw every episode.

LAUGHTER

-Now, don't you start.

-I'm sorry.

-I had enough with the other fool.

-Yes.

Tell me, Mr Finlay,

what was it that made you want to appear in my version of Casanova?

-Well, there were three factors that decided it for me.

-Really?

-Your reputation as a writer...

-Of course.

..your modern approach to drama and production, but

most of all, and I say this with full sincerity,

I needed the money.

LAUGHTER

-Money?

-Yes.

-I like the outfit.

-Oh, yes.

This is an exact replica of the actual clobber that Casanova wore.

-Really? Yes.

-Yes.

-Very natty.

-Yes.

-I'll tell you something else, Ernie.

-What?

I've got the book here with the addresses of the girls...

-HE COUGHS

-How'd you do?

-Evening.

I've got the address book here...

Yes...

The meter is under the stairs.

LAUGHTER

Why do they come at this peculiar hour?

-This is Mr...

-Eh?

-This is Mr Frank Finlay, our special guest.

-I've done it again.

You've put your foot in it.

Terribly sorry, it's the glasses. I'm sorry about that.

-I'm sorry, Frank, I really am.

-Don't let it worry you.

Oh, no, Frank Finlay, alias, Bossa-nova.

LAUGHTER

No!

-Up-and-ova?

-No!

-Roll-me-ova?

-No!

-Casanova.

-Ah.

Well, I was closest with Roll-me-ova, wouldn't you think?

-Roll-me-ova?

-HE WHOOPS

-Sir?

-Yes?

-No, not you, your brother.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

-My older brother.

-Yes. Sir, you have written a play for me?

Yes, I've written this play for you.

In this you will play the part of Casanova the great lover.

-Fine, I'll go and get changed immediately.

-Not you!

-Frank Finlay's going to play the part.

-Why him?

Well, I did play the part on television.

Oh, yes, you did PLAY the part on television.

That's the operative word, PLAY, isn't it? You only acted it.

I do it for real, matey.

There's some girls' addresses in here that'd make you

grow grey immediately.

-LAUGHTER

-Listen to this.

Ada Bailey.

-36 Terryassin Street.

-Eh?

Oh.

Ida Noble.

22 Oldham Terrace.

LAUGHTER

Helen Gartell.

4 Edgemore Road.

LAUGHTER

Sybil Gaylor.

17 Bentham Place.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A masterclass in control from Frank Finlay.

There really was nowhere to hide in front of that unforgiving curtain.

But the curtain was, at its best, the perfect backdrop for Eric

and Ernie themselves.

In their early variety days, low down the bill,

audiences would barely notice them.

So, Eric would run on the stage

and slap Ernie around the face, hard.

That got their attention!

Eric would follow that with, "How dare you have the kind of face

"I dislike!" and get a big laugh. And that, of course, eventually,

evolved into this.

LAUGHTER

People often ask me, when Eric slaps me across the face,

whether it really hurts me. Well, I can honestly say...

it does.

Oh!

All right?

Yes.

Thank you.

Leave this to me, you're too upset.

-Yeah, it's him.

-It's you. Who is he?

-Who is he?

-Yes.

-He's my new partner.

-Ah!

-Will you get out of the way?

-Certainly.

-New partner?

-New partner, yes.

-You do something...

-Yeah?

..and I'll go...

-Yeah! Great, great.

-Very good.

Not quite right.

-Not quite right.

-LAUGHTER

-Eh?

-What?

-You know what I mean. I'll do it again, you know.

-He's working.

You know, we're on an even foot. We're all right.

The idea is, you see, you've got to go like that and like that.

Hit him hard and, if you can draw blood, you get more money.

There'll always be one thing I'll always be able to do

-better than him.

-And what's that? HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Another of the boys' best-loved lines

also came from their theatre days.

It was inspired by an American acrobat

they shared digs with called Paul Kafka.

If you look very carefully, you may be able to detect something

not 100% natural about Mr Kafka's hair.

The hairpiece became a thing of wonder to the boys

and eventually migrated to Ernie's head where it's implied presence

became a regular part of their act

and inspired Eric's famous catch phrase.

-Not my hair.

-Well, you can't see the join, you're all right.

LAUGHTER

My little fat friend.

Can't see the join. That's one of the best you've ever had.

That is a beauty!

Arrived this morning all the way from Axminster.

-LAUGHTER

-Can't get lovelier than that.

What a charming lady.

She is. You think you're in there, don't you?

-Oh, I'm well in there. She likes me.

-Get off!

You know she smokes a clay pipe as a hobby.

LAUGHTER

-I like clay pipes.

-Have you told her about the head doily?

Shut up!

Every time you bow your head like that, it goes before your eyes

-and you think it's gone dark.

-Oh, shut up.

I've insulted Ern...

but, at long last, I've learned...

..that he is a chum,

good and true.

So, don't take a rise because of his size...

LAUGHTER

..and the fact that his hair's stuck with glue.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Mr Kafka, and sorry!

Now, here's something Hollywood legend Jimmy Cagney never said.

Say, anyways, you dirty rat,

one peep out of you and I'm going to fill you full of lead,

you dirty rat!

But in front of that curtain,

Eric and Ernie must have said it dozens of times while doing

possibly the worst Jimmy Cagney impressions ever broadcast.

BOTH IN SINGSONG: You listen here,

you dirty rat.

One peep out of you

and I'll fill you

full of lead.

Get me...

the DA on the phone.

LAUGHTER

Get off!

LAUGHTER

I'm...a Yankee doodle...dandy!

Yankee doodle, do or die.

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam.

-Just get off!

-Hold on.

LAUGHTER

For some reason, doing Cagney badly became a running joke

and if it wasn't Cagney...

-AS CARY GRANT:

-Ladies and gentlemen, very nice to be here.

-Absolutely marvellous...

-APPLAUSE

Cary Grant was, in fact, a good friend of Eric's.

They'd met in Bristol in 1964.

Sadly, we never got to see Mr Grant's impression of Eric.

Then, after that, you'll do your Jimmy Stewart.

-AS JIMMY STEWART:

-"Ladies and gentlemen, I must say,

"it's absolutely fabulous to be here."

APPLAUSE

Then you'll do your Humphrey Bogart.

-AS HUMPHREY BOGART:

-"That's the way it's got to be, sweetheart."

You've just done my act!

I've got nothing left now. Those were all my best impressions.

-I tried to get away with it, that's all.

-You ought to be ashamed.

You've ruined my act and you've spoiled it!

Really, I'm disgusted with you.

That's the best Bette Davis you've ever done.

-I'm not doing Bette Davis!

-Do Shirley Temple.

-Ooh!

-# On the good ship Lollipop... #

-He loves it. He loves it.

# I'm a Yankee doodle... #

# And dream away

-# On the good ship Lollipop... #

-# Do or die. #

'But impressions - good, bad or mediocre - became part of the

'Morecambe and Wise furniture as much as those curtains themselves.'

And some of the guests revealed themselves to be surprisingly good.

Watch out for Peter Cushing's Tommy Cooper. Yes, you heard that right.

-He knows who you are.

-Of course I do. I recognised you immediately.

-You're Cary Grant.

-LAUGHTER

Do you know, it's funny you should say that...

-He wanted me to do this.

-Pardon?

Guess who he does an impression of.

I do a good impression. Would you like me to do Cary Grant?

-Oh, it's great.

-I'll do it.

-Rubbish, rubbish.

-LAUGHTER

-I'd make the tea now if I were you.

-Shall I start?

-Do your impression of Cary Grant.

-Yeah, you listen to this.

He's terrible.

-AS CARY GRANT:

-Mary had a little lamb...

-(Mary had a little lamb.)

-It's fleece was white as snow

and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

-Very good.

-Thank you.

Very good. APPLAUSE

-AS CARY GRANT:

-Mary had a little lamb...

-..whose fleece was white as snow...

-He's quite good, isn't he?

And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

AS JIMMY CAGNEY: Here, here, you dirty rat, you!

APPLAUSE You dirty rat!

-You...

-Who is that man, Francis?

I think it's Tony Curtis.

I know one thing - it's not Jimmy Cagney.

It is Jimmy Cagney!

I'm sorry to be so insistent, but I'm not moving from here

until I get my money.

Yes, I do understand, but the point is,

we'll have to have a little conference about it all.

Yes, we'll think about it.

Erm, do your tap dance while we're off. Do your tap dance.

Excuse me?

-Yes?

-I can't tap dance.

-You can't? Can you do anything?

I mean, bite somebody's neck, anything.

LAUGHTER

Could I do my impersonation?

-Yes.

-Yes.

If you want? Is that it?

No.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Just like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-Oh, very.

-Excellent.

Yes, have you got a shorter one than that?

-That is the...

-That is the whole...

Would you do it again?

It'll cost you more.

-It's all right.

-It's all right.

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Not like that. Like that.

Great. Great. Wonderful.

Who was it?

Des O'Connor.

LAUGHTER

But it didn't matter how good your Tommy Cooper was.

If you were a guest on the show, you were in for a hard time.

Eric and Ernie's disrespect for their famous co-stars

was as inventive as it was scornful and you would never,

ever be called by your proper name.

-Eric, say hello to Mr Preview.

-Ah, Mr Preview! How are you?

It's all coming back to me now! I remember! Yes!

Er, Peter Custard.

Cushing.

Miss Hang-glider. LAUGHTER

-What did you say your name was?

-Uh, Matthews. Two Ts.

That's fine. No sugar in mine.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Michael, how are you?

How nice to see you?

Are you dressed for the show or an operation?

I should have recognised you right away, Miss Wiltshire.

LAUGHTER

Hampshire!

Well, it's close.

I don't seem to remember you at all, Mr Crushing.

LAUGHTER

-Cushing.

-Oh, yes.

Treating Miss Hamstrung like that.

-Uh...

-No, Hamshank.

-Hamper.

Hampshire. We'll settle with Hampshire.

I didn't know you were a fan, Eric.

(Excuse me.)

I'll tell you something, Hand-grenade...

LAUGHTER

-Eric.

-Yes?

-Miss Redgrave.

Vanilla, how are you?

-Vanessa.

-Oh.

Tastes like vanilla.

But the more scorn they poured, the more ridiculous the boys looked.

The joke, of course, was on them

and when you have guests of this calibre, it's hardly surprising.

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's your privilege to see a preview of my latest film.

My version of Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde,

which I have "adopted" from the paperback by

Robert Louis Stevenson, just before he invented the railway train.

LAUGHTER

And for my leading lady I have the charming, delightful,

unforgettable...um, um...

Miss Judi Dench.

APPLAUSE

Miss Dench.

APPLAUSE

-Miss Dench, it's a great pleasure.

-It's a great pleasure for me.

Well, that's what I meant.

LAUGHTER

I've been a fan of yours ever since I was so high.

LAUGHTER

I'll never forget you in Jamaica Inn.

What do you mean? That was a film that was made over 30 years ago.

Yeah, I don't look 30, do I?

No, but I bet you did when you were.

LAUGHTER

By the way, where's Eric?

Oh, he's concentrating.

-What on?

-Standing up.

LAUGHTER

-Tell me, Jenny...

-Judi.

..Judi...what have you been doing recently?

Well, I've just had a season with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I had a very nice role in The Comedy Of Errors.

LAUGHTER

Especially written?

By Shakespeare.

Erm, did you find him difficult to work with?

He's dead.

Oh. Then you would find him difficult to work with.

You won't find me difficult.

No, but you could be difficult to find.

LAUGHTER

Ernie swatted away with consummate ease there by Julie. I mean, Judi.

If you were a woman, you'd also be treated to

the Eric and Ernie charm offensive.

It was like a saucy seaside postcard in a suit,

but because they were so inept they got away with it.

Just.

Ernie's play...

..will shock. Yes.

It is a shocking play.

It's what they call avant-garter.

As a matter of fact, it's a copy of a film I saw,

a rather naughty French film called Enamel.

-It's got a lot of polish.

-Yes.

-You mean, Emmanuel.

-Emmanuel?

Ah, that's it - Emmanuel. I hated it the first time I saw it,

hated it even more the second time.

Are you...? Are you...Michael, are you quite willing to...

divest yourself of certain garments?

Including nether garments?

Are you quite willing to...?

You know what I mean by... Are you quite willing to...?

I have no objection if it's within the context of the play.

It's got nothing to do with the play.

I'm asking you a straightforward question.

LAUGHTER

Would you say hello to Eric? Have you met Eric?

-I've always wanted to meet you, Eric.

-That is true.

-I have heard that.

-LAUGHTER

I'm afraid you can't stay long because we have a film star

coming on of the highest magnitude possible.

So, if you leave your name and address...

-LAUGHTER

-..with little Ern here...

if anything pops up, you'll be lucky.

-Where is he?

-Where is who?

-It!

-It?

-Thingy?

-That?

-What's his name?

-Eric?

-Hmm.

-Don't worry about him. I fixed him.

-What I've done is, I've sewn up the curtains up the middle.

-Oh, good.

So, when he comes on, he won't be able to get through,

-so it's just you and I.

-Good! Now, we can talk about your play.

-Exactly.

Well, it's an historical play and it takes part in the past.

ERIC WHISTLES BEHIND CURTAIN

It's no good you trying to get through there, Eric,

-because I've sewn up the centre of the curtains.

-Hey, Ern?

-What?

I don't think it's any good me trying to get through here.

Someone's sewn up the centre of the curtains.

You'd be correct. That was me, Eric.

-That was you?

-Yes.

-Why?

You can save your breath cos you can't get through.

-I'll tell you what.

-What?

-I'll save my breath. I can't get through.

Now, Diana, how do you fancy playing the part of Nell Gwyn?

Well, all I can say is...

ARGH!

LAUGHTER

Sorry about that.

-How dare you?!

-The cheek!

I noticed, yes.

LAUGHTER

Do you know Miss Rigg?

Better than you.

Looking forward to appearing in Eric's play, Hannah?

Well, I would be if I knew what it was about.

-You mean, you haven't got a script yet?

-No.

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right! Action, camera... A-hem! Pardon me. Roll 'em.

Nothing personal.

LAUGHTER

Just a moment.

Where's the play?

-Don't worry about the details.

-Just a moment.

It's because you haven't written one, isn't it?

(Excuse me.)

There's your part.

-What...?

-That's yours, yes. Your part in the play.

-Do you think you can call?

-Do I...?

-That's what you do.

"Hannah grabs Eric and pulls him into the bedroom."

LAUGHTER

"There is a long struggle, during which Eric is heard to say...

" 'No, you mustn't. I'm only a lad.' "

LAUGHTER

"This is followed by an occasional giggle

"and a silence lasting two hours."

LAUGHTER

Best I've ever heard you do that. Right, strip off. Action.

Get them off.

That's a play?!

It's the way I play, yes.

Extra kudos to Hannah Gordon there,

who stepped in when Sarah Miles pulled out after rehearsals.

We don't know why Sarah pulled out,

but she was, at the time, married to a playwright.

Michele Dotrice, then famous for Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em,

really held her own against a full-on offensive from the boys

and her exit here is wonderfully strange.

Let me tell you about the plot of my play.

It concerns a rich, titled young lady...

-Yes.

-..who is, erm...

LAUGHTER

..deprived of love -

caused by her husband falling into a combine harvester...

LAUGHTER

..which, unfortunately, makes him "impudent."

LAUGHTER

I play that part.

Along comes this young fellow - young, hot-blooded handyman -

who does things...

about the estates.

I play that part.

-I play that part.

-LAUGHTER

Well, I think I'm beginning to understand what it's all about now.

-Yes.

-"Dr Lust's Go-Go Tablets?"

LAUGHTER

"To be taken just before."

I'll take two or three.

-Eric's the handyman...

-I will be, when these pills start working.

-LAUGHTER

-I promise you that.

Look at that.

Well, I've given it some thought and I've decided not to play this part.

What?! Not to play the part?

Well, I've taken the tablets.

LAUGHTER

-He's doing about 80 miles an hour now.

-100 inside.

I mean, will it do anything for my career?

-Your career? Look what an Ernie Wise play did for Glenda Jackson.

-Yes.

What did it do for Glenda Jackson?

-Who?

-Glenda Jackson.

-(The actress.)

-Only...only the butler in Upstairs, Downstairs, that's all!

LAUGHTER

-Hudson.

-Yes. Glenda Hudson.

-Yes.

-That's who it was.

-Now, let me tell you about my play. I do assure you, it's provocative.

-Yes.

-I'll go and get ready.

-Yes.

-I'll go and take all my clothes off.

That doesn't take long because they haven't got far to drop.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Psst!

Come off.

LAUGHTER

(Come off!)

SHE WHISPERS

-Pardon?

-Come off.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I do apologise.

LAUGHTER

(Come off. Hey!)

Come off!

-She did it.

-I know and it's boring, isn't it?

Like Amateur Night! Come off!

LAUGHTER

No-one escaped the front cloth treatment,

no matter how famous, successful,

talented, beautiful, or tall you were,

but some of us managed to emerge with our dignity intact.

There was only one way to deal with those two

and that was to come out fighting.

Penelope, I must say, it is a unique honour...

Well, I'd rather you didn't kiss my hand, it's frightfully unhygienic.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's put the blocks on what I had in mind.

If...if you do this show, you would end up,

-if you do his play, you would end up in the series.

-Yes.

But I'm already in the series.

There you are, you've been here two minutes

and you've got a series of your own.

-Can I introduce you to this?

-Oh, I know who he is.

-Yes.

How are you, Derek?

LAUGHTER

Now, about your play, Mr Wise?

Oh, yes, yes. My play's a sad, romantic play, actually.

It's about the beautiful Roxanne

and this great poet who is madly in love with her.

-It's about a fellow with a big hooter.

-I see.

And that part's going to be played by Derek?

-She keeps calling me Derek.

-Yes, silly!

It will be a great honour to work with you, Derek.

-And Penelope, I must say...

-She keeps calling me Derek.

-Yes.

It's a great pleasure and a great honour

to be working with you, Penelope.

Have you seen any of my plays on television?

-Well, I did once catch just a tiny glimpse of one of your plays...

-Yes?

..and, um, I'm afraid I found it rather violent.

Violent?! What do you mean? What are you saying?

Well, as I said, it was just a tiny glimpse, you see,

and all I saw was this.

-He does that to me.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, I see, then perhaps...

it had some meaning, Derek.

-She's hitting me and calling me Derek now.

-I know.

You see, I couldn't understand what slapping Derek's face had to do

-with the play.

-No, no, no, no.

-My name is not Derek. My name is Eric.

Oh, I am sorry, Mr Moron, you see, all I said was...

-Don't!

-No, no.

-You be nice to the lady.

-I didn't...

-Please.

-Be nice and charming, she's a lady.

-Yes, I will, I will.

-Now, about my play, Penelope...

-Yes, well, I'm...

-Could we go ahead with it and...?

-I don't want to do it.

-You don't...?

-No, you see, I want to do what the other lady stars did,

like Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson and Diana Rigg.

Well, we're past that age, we can't do it now.

-No, besides, my legs have gone.

-His legs have gone.

-Yes, no, what I mean...

-Well, one of them has.

No, what I mean is I want to walk down a scare...

-a staircase very glamorously.

-Staircase?

-Ah!

-Ah.

-Well, that could be...

-No.

Have we got a care-stase or a staircase?

We could get you a staircase later on but a care-stase is difficult.

-Yes.

-What do you think?

-Well, no, I think it's...

-I think it can be arranged, yes.

-Oh, yes.

If you will do my play, Cyrano De Bergerac, then you can walk

down the stairs like the big Hollywood star, OK?

-Oh, well, if I do your play, it's going to cost you extra money.

-Ah.

Ah. It's a bit difficult for me, isn't it?

-Have we got him up there?

-No.

-We haven't.

-Extra money, well, you see this fiver?

-Fiver.

-Yes.

After you've done my play, I'll show it to you again, OK.

-Thanks.

-You can't be fairer than that.

-And then I can walk down...

-Then you can walk down the staircase.

-Ready when you are, pally.

If you just come through this large opening.

Thank you very much indeed, thank you.

Come along, Derek.

I did finally get to walk down a beautiful scare-case,

well, half of one, but that's another story.

In fairness, the men didn't do much better.

Suave, urbane, charming - Eric and Ernie were none of these things.

Thankfully, Ian Carmichael was.

-Give him a big build-up, because it is a big star.

-Don't I always?

-None of your usual rubbish. No, you don't.

-Oh!

-Embellish it a bit for him. Ian Carmichael.

-Great.

-Ian?

-Yes.

-Carmichael.

-Yes.

-Lovely to see you again.

-And very nice to see you, Ernest.

-You remember Eric?

-I shall never forget Eric.

-Hello, Ian.

-How do you do?

-Nice to see you again.

-Excuse me one second.

-Yes?

Look, there's not going to be any, um, like last time?

-What, the insults and everything?

-No, no, no, no, no, I promise you that.

I give you my word as a gentleman.

Well, Eric, that's good enough for me.

We have another fool here, folks.

Another one. I never do.

Ian, I'm looking forward... ERIC SQUAWKS

I'm looking forward to having you on the show very much.

-Well, it's very nice to be back.

-Don't worry.

-There'll be no insults, no insults.

-I'm delighted to hear that.

-He'll be delighted with this.

-Oh, yes.

Delighted with what?

Ian, unbeknown to my partner here,

I have been conducting a survey to find out who's been the most

popular guest star ever to appear on one of our shows.

I knew nothing about this, Ian.

-It's a complete surprise to me.

-Well, you don't mean that I...

Oh, I say! Well, I...

Ian Rupert Farquhar Carmichael, the British public has made

its choice and I must say I agree with their choice wholeheartedly.

They couldn't have given it to a better or nicer gentleman.

Well, Eric, I don't know what to say.

I mean, when I came here this evening,

-I never thought for a moment that I was going...

-Ian, please...

No, no, I'm sorry, it's just that I'm...

-Well, I'm a little bit moved, actually.

-I'm very thrilled for you.

Thank you, Ernest. It's quite unexpected, you know.

-It's must be very exciting.

-Well, it is a little exciting. Thank you.

Oh, you're doing a grand job. Look at him, look at him.

-Oh, marvellous, I'm proud of you, Eric.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Ian Carmichael...

-HE BLOWS

-Are you all right?

-I'm sorry, sorry, yes, it's... Do carry on.

Ian Carmichael, as I've said before,

the great British public has made their choice.

Will you take this award?

Oh, wonderful, wonderful, it's marvellous.

Well, thank you very much indeed.

I mean, what does one say on an occasion like this?

-I really am quite lost for words.

-You don't have to say anything, Ian.

Not a dickybird. Just take that award

and on your way home drop it in at Peter Cushing's house.

Glenda Jackson's second appearance on the show on Christmas Day 1972

was a front-cloth classic.

The best performers on the show

were the ones who seemed to be enjoying themselves -

relaxed, confident

and able to take whatever Eric and Ern threw at them.

I think Glenda does that brilliantly.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we come to the best part of the programme - me.

But, seriously, folks, I'd now like to introduce to you the greatest star

we've ever had on the show, the one and only Sir Laurence...

He can't come.

-What do you mean, he can't come.

-He can't come.

-What's he doing?

Pantomime, Alhambra, Bradford.

-Aladdin.

-Aladdin.

-Abanazar.

Abanazar.

-Well, what am I going to do?

-Get off.

-I can't do that, I've got to keep these people happy.

-Exactly, get off.

-I'm going now.

-No, no, no, don't leave me. I've got to do something.

Think of something.

-They're all staring at me.

-Stare back, they haven't paid.

-I'm staring at them, it doesn't make any difference.

-I tell you what.

What? Do your Jimmy Cagney. Oh, that's a good idea.

-That's a good idea, I'll do my Jimmy Cagney.

-Do it now, do it now.

AS JIMMY CAGNEY: You dirty rat, you.

-Was that it?

-Yeah.

He didn't do any more than that,

he got shot.

Do your Eddie Cantor.

Oh, that's a good idea.

# If you knew Susie like I knew Susie. #

LAUGHTER

-Did he get shot after that?

-I think so.

-It hurts my voice.

-Oh, yeah!

Well, don't do anything that hurts your voice.

Hey! I know something I haven't done for a long time.

Oh, we all know that!

LAUGHTER

Keep going, son.

A real superstar... Oh, never mind.

I'll do my...

I'll do my farmyard impressions.

-What can I say?

-What can you say?

-You're not, are you?

-Yes.

-Great.

-A stroll down memory lane.

-Exactly.

-Haven't done that for years.

-A day on the farm.

-A day on the farm. You're going to do it now?

-Yeah.

-I'm off then, I'll see you.

-No!

-Just stay and watch it, it's good.

-I've seen you do it before...

The other morning, I was walking through the countryside,

but who should I see coming towards me but Rover the dog, "Woof, woof!" he went.

LAUGHTER

I said, "Down, Rover!

"Down!"