At Home Morecambe & Wise In Pieces

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Ernie Wise speaking.

The BBC?

Yes, I'll pay for the call.

LAUGHTER

Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise, comedy legends...

ERIC CHUCKLES

..international celebrities...

I've heard it said many times that you are one of the greatest talents

in the British theatre, both as an author and as an actor.

-I've heard it said many times.

-By whom?

You.

..friends to the stars...

Hello, Mr Previn. Are you surprised to see me?

"Horrified" would be a better word.

..and sharers of Britain's most-famous bed.

It's got me beat, I just can't make it out.

Just can't understand it at all, the market's down four points.

It's got me beat as well.

Desperate Dan's just eaten four cow pies and he's still hungry.

Welcome to the world of Morecambe and Wise,

and their unusual domestic arrangements.

When we watched Eric and Ernie's television shows,

we weren't just watching two comedians at work -

we were watching them at home, too.

It was all part of the package

that gave Morecambe and Wise's comedy such resonance.

We got a glimpse behind the curtain, where it seemed quite natural

that they would bicker like an old married couple.

Hey, now, listen, I'll tell you. No, listen, I'll tell you what.

If I promise to do that play properly, that one there,

if I promise to do it properly, no messing about,

-how does that grab you?

-This play?!

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Bet you couldn't do that again.

While Ernie fancied himself as a bit of an intellectual,

Eric was a bored child,

making mischief with anything to hand.

-Good God, I'm burning alive!

-There's a smell of burning!

-There's a smell of burning!

-Bur..?!

-I thought so, it's you.

-Who else?

Let me have a look at that control there. Let me have a look at it.

-What?

-That. I thought so, you've turned it up to maximum.

I've not, it were me elbow.

ERIC SCREAMS

I'll get it off! I'll get it off one day!

Until inevitably he would find his flatmate's limit.

We are going to have a confrontation.

You said you didn't like dogs.

-If you think I'm going to stand for all of this, you're sadly mistaken!

-Sadly mistaken.

-He will then get his coat and hat.

-Yes.

-He'll put his coat and hat on.

-Yes.

-He will cross to the door and he would say...

-I'm off.

-.."I am off."

Then he would leave, slamming the door.

You have got to leave, and let me get on with my life.

What will you do with your life?

I have an aptitude for the written word. I have a natural bent.

Well, have a look, it could be your braces.

That's it, that's it! That's the finish.

-One of us has got to leave!

-Right.

In all their years together,

Morecambe and Wise never made a situation comedy.

But they didn't really need to.

This domestic setting made their shows into a sort of "sitcom plus".

A product of both variety and the television age.

But it wasn't always like this.

In early shows, they had the luxury of their own bachelor pads.

A couple of men behaving badly,

with Eric living in the flat below Ernie.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, hello?

Hey, Ern, can you come down?

-What for?

-Well, I've got a couple of...

I've got a couple here, Ern.

A couple of whats?

You know, I've got a couple down here. Come on down.

I don't know what you're talking about!

I've got a couple of the old yahoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, I haven't got time to mess about, I'm in the middle of...

-Look, look, tell me something, do you want to play cards or what?

-Yes!

-Cards?

-No, what!

It was the writers, Dick Hills and Sid Green,

who put them in one bedroom.

It was cosy, but not too intimate.

Because, at this point, they still had their own beds.

Sit them here, give us a song. That'll get me off.

# La-di-da! #

-Will you go to sleep if I...?

-Yes.

She used to sit like this on the bed?

Yeah. Cuddled up close to me, she did.

You've got funny-shaped toes.

ERNIE SINGS A LULLABY

HE STOPS

HE CARRIES ON

HE TRAILS OFF

HE STARTS AGAIN

It wasn't until writer Eddie Braben took over in 1969

that Eric and Ernie got their famous king-size mattress.

They were reluctant at first, as was the BBC.

This was the '60s and innocence wasn't as innocent as it used to be.

But Eddie knew how to win them round.

"If it's good enough for Laurel and Hardy,"

he said, "it's good enough for you."

Not even Auntie, at her most straight-laced,

could argue with that.

This, erm, anybody's place?

-Do you mind if I...

-No, no.

-Eric Morecambe.

-Ernie Wise.

-How are you?

-Stop messing about!

-Thanks for inviting me into your bed.

ERIC CHUCKLES

It's been a grand day for it, hasn't it?

Grand day for what?

Well, it all depends what you've been doing?

Do you fancy a rehearsal?

Pardon?

-Do you fancy a rehearsal?

-No, no, I'm too tired, really.

I've got next week's script, it's very funny.

Have they sent us the wrong one again?

I don't want to say anything, but the bed's moving again!

The finest props in the country, these.

I'll tell you something else as well.

That was a lovely mental picture you showed there.

Are we all right now?

Eric, though, felt his masculinity needed a reassuring little prop.

Now, wait a minute, you're not going to smoke that thing in bed, are you?

No, just set fire to this tobacco, that's all.

40 years on, it's the smoking that raises eyebrows,

not the sleeping arrangements.

The audience, of course, weren't in the slightest bit bothered,

they simply accepted that Eric and Ernie slept in the same bed.

-Put down now...

-Yeah?

"Door opens."

"Door...opens."

"In walks beautiful young girl wearing a negligee."

"In walks beautiful young girl wearing a negligee."

-Turn it over now.

-Right, I've got that.

See, what we've got to do, you've got to give the character life.

-It's all in the mind, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Now, I've put that down, now what happens next?

This could be interesting, this, now let me think.

-I know!

-Yes?

-I've got it.

-What?

"She crosses to the window."

"To the window".

-No.

-No?

-Just a minute.

-What's wrong?

No, nothing wrong, but she doesn't cross to the window.

"She climbs on the bed next to the two fellas!"

Right. "She climbs on the bed, next to the two fellas."

-Have you got that down?

-I've just written it down.

-It's all in me mind at this stage.

-I appreciate that! Now, what happens?

-We'll have to think very carefully here. Let's sleep on it. Good night, Ern.

-Good...

-Wait a minute!

-Yes?

-What are you playing at?

It's all shaping up very nicely there. I could go on all night.

Well, so could I, but have you got enough lead in your pencil?

Laurel and Hardy aside,

sharing a bed had another meaning for Eric and Ernie.

Back in the 1940s, before two became one,

the young Eric Bartholomew and Ernest Wiseman

both toured the variety circuit as juveniles.

Eric's mum Sadie would always accompany him.

But, even at the age of 15, Ernie was travelling solo.

Which worked fine, until he got to Oxford.

He'd forgotten to book a bed,

and found himself walking the streets looking for a room.

He eventually arrived at the guesthouse

Eric and Sadie were staying in.

As he was being turned away, Sadie spotted him.

That night, she slept on the couch,

and Eric and Ernie shared a bed for the first time.

History doesn't record whether Eric smoked a pipe.

-Move over!

-Look, why don't you sleep in a bed of your own?

You get me a teddy that looks like you, and I will!

The boys' on-screen home life was based on the simple conceit

that they had worked, toured and lived together ever since.

Eddie Braben was smart enough to know it needed a germ of truth,

and he gave it one.

It felt as though we were getting an insight

into the real Morecambe and Wise.

Please, just do something, occupy your mind, but leave me alone.

I'm trying to read the paper.

Bring our frying pan back!

Don't upset them.

HE SHOUTS EXCITEDLY

Haven't done that for years.

# Sit at my piano! #

Occupy your mind intelligently!

I know what it is, it's Annoy Ern Time, isn't it?

-Good Lord, no.

-Yes, it is.

-Do you want to hear this?

-Yes, please.

-Wait..!

-I'll get it!

-What's going on here?

-Get the right fly on there and you've had it.

-Oh, pack it in.

Right through the window, vroom!

ERIC LAUGHS

-He goes mad, honestly. What's the matter?

-Woo-hoo-hoo!

-Have you found what you're looking for?

-No.

Eric at home had the attention span of a six-year-old.

Soon, he had the props to match.

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness. #

Sit, sit, sit. Over.

Good lad! Good lad!

HE MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES

Oh, that's a difficult one!

HE IMITATES A MACHINE GUN

What's the matter with you?

ERIC LAUGHS

TOY CACKLES

ERIC SIGHS

As our casual intimacy with the household grew,

we started to see other rooms, including the bathroom.

# You get by without your rabbit pie. #

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Who is it?

-Pardon?

-Who is it?

It's me, Sophia Loren.

Can I come in and stroke your back?

There's somebody in here, go away.

-Are you in the bath?

-Yes, go away.

-Oh, OK.

Thank you.

By golly, it's steamed up in here, Ern, isn't it?

Open the window, get a bit of air in.

Close it!

Barging in here, every time I have a...

-It's outrageous, that's what it is.

-It is, isn't it?

-Course it is.

-Course it is.

-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

-What you wearing that for?

-To keep my hair dry.

I always thought you kept your hair in the airing cupboard.

I always thought you kept it in the airing cupboard, your hair.

I see you've done your left leg.

It's a different colour to your right one now.

By golly, aren't you hairy?

That is hair, that is, isn't it? Thick hair all over your body.

I wouldn't have had a bath, if I were you, I'd have got dry-cleaned.

Look, just get out of this room, will you?

-Because I'm going to get dressed.

-All right.

You been to the pensioners' boutique again?

-It's nothing to do with you.

-What is this? What is it?

-What?

-That!

It's got an emergency exit there.

Good Lord!

And that!

What's that?

# Hear my song, the old letter. #

-Will you leave my garments alone?!

-You can keep chickens in that!

You can keep a horse in that.

LAUGHTER

Don't touch that money belt.

You'll get your fingers trapped in that.

Get out and leave me alone, I'm going to wash my hair.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a hand -

I'll do it for you in the kitchen sink.

-Hey!

-What?

-Smile!

ERNIE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY

APPLAUSE

And on the rare occasions when the British weather permitted it,

we were treated to a glimpse of the garden.

-Looks beautiful, the garden.

-You like it?

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, it's been a gardener's dream, you know, this year.

-Has it?

-Wonderful, yes. Enjoyed every minute of it. Beautiful.

-Looks fabulous.

I might show me plums this year.

Well, from what I've heard, they're well worth looking at.

-Are they coming on, then?

-Three to the pound.

Must be whoppers.

-You'll be able to get those in the Guinness Book Of Records.

-Victorias.

Lucky girl.

LAUGHTER

Can I take your photograph?

-Have you got a camera?

-One of the best.

-Really?

-Japanese.

-Japanese?

-Yeah.

-What sort?

-Suzuki.

Suzuki? That's a motorbike.

Oh.

No wonder the strap broke when I put it round me neck.

-What's that?

-Medicine ball.

Well, don't take it now, I'll get a glass of water,

it'll be easier to swallow.

I knew you were going to do that!

-Hey.

-What?

-You know how in the east, in the Orient, people don't exercise.

They don't do exercises with things like this, you know?

Look, I don't care what they do in France.

I'm going to lift this now. That'll amaze you.

-What's it weigh?

-240 pounds.

-Does it really?

-Hmm.

That's 11 Ronnie Corbetts.

Or one Mrs Mills.

Depends which way you look at it.

What are you doing?

I'm looking at it and thinking about it.

I'm doing that a lot lately.

-I'll take your picture, I'll go get me camera.

-I don't want my picture taken.

It's no problem. Don't worry about it.

Look, I don't want my picture taken...

Shall I have a sort of pose or something? I mean...

-Great, like that. Marvellous, that.

-What?!

-You have not taken it, have you?

-Yeah, you take one of me.

-All right.

You do the pose. I'll take it from a low angle.

We're having none of that. I'm not bothered with that.

-I'll tell you what.

-What?

-You sit down, I'll have one taken with you.

Well, how can you do that?

-Well, it's got one of those devices on, you know...

-A time exposure?

-Yeah, you press a little thing like that.

-Have you set it?

-Are you ready?

APPLAUSE

-I'm not taking that to the chemist.

-No.

I must say, the dandorhodians and doing well again this year.

The what? The what?

The dandorhodians, they're doing well again this year.

The rhododendrons!

Rhododendrons, that's what they are.

-I wouldn't know that, would I?

-Of course you wouldn't know.

-Cos I'm not a gardener, am I?

-No.

-I like little birds. That's my hobby.

Garden birds.

WHISTLING

-What was that?

-One more.

WHISTLING

Kettle's boiling.

-That was a garden bird!

-Of course it was a garden bird, you fool.

-What was it?

-It was a robin.

That's the mating call of a robin, that.

It's that red shirt.

You better watch out, he could swoop down here

and carry you off to its nest.

The surreal nature of this shared flat

was heightened even further when the guests arrived.

Come in, come in.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Roy! Come in.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Hello, Miss Fielding.

-Hello, Chunky.

-Chunky!

Come in.

Once they were through the door, they were fair game.

CARS BEEP

Look out!

TYRES SCREECH

-My goodness, what's happened?

-By golly, that was close, that.

-Look at him, he's all over the road.

-Yeah.

-He doesn't know what day it is!

-It's Thursday!

-I better go down and give him a hand.

-That's a good idea, yes.

Put his head between his knees and apply a turncoat.

That's what I like about Ern.

Always help anybody, anybody in an emergency.

I bet he's down there now, massaging that fella's wallet.

-Eric, come and give me a hand.

-All right.

-Come on, he's a big one.

-OK.

Now, you just take it easy, sir, now, don't worry,

everything's going to be all right, it must have been quite frightening.

APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear.

-That must have been frightening.

-Yes, yes.

-Terribly kind of you.

-That's all right, that's all right.

-I'm groggy.

Sit down, Mr Groggy.

-Very nice to see you.

-Did you see that idiot of a driver?

I most certainly did. My goodness, it was very nasty, wasn't it?

Would you like a glass of water?

I never take water with brandy, thank you.

-I'll get you a brandy, shall I?

-Most kind.

I'll take your hat, as well.

I've seen this fella before. It's Robert Morley, the actor.

The famous actor.

-You know...

-Get him to do your play, it's manna from heaven.

-Of course.

-Go on.

-Mr Morley...

-You're sat on me hand.

Mr Morley, sir, my name is Wise.

-Not Ernie Wise?

-Yes, yes, yes, Ernie Wise.

Now, I have just written a play.

-I must be on my way.

-Wait!

-You can't walk far with a broken leg, sit down.

-Sit.

I mean, let's face it, you've just had a frightening experience.

Yes, and I don't want another one.

Already an acting legend,

Glenda Jackson's gift for comedy had gone unnoticed,

until she set foot into the world of Eric and Ernie.

The lead role in the film A Touch Of Class followed,

and with it an Oscar.

Well, as you know, Glenda...

Glenda...

I have written a play.

Yes, well, I'm very glad you mentioned that, Ernie,

because I have seen several of your plays...

Yes, yes, but you must not judge Ern on the plays that you have seen.

Because, I'll tell you for why,

-some of the guests stars in them have been a bit ropey.

-Yes.

But you had Eric Porter.

Ah, a fine dancer, but he can't act.

Edward Woodward?

A good singer, but he can't act.

-Dame Flora Robson.

-Ah, yes, now you have picked on one there,

he is a good all-rounder, but...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And Peter Cushing's very good, as well,

except, when you forget the words,

-he is liable to bite you on the back of the neck.

-Yes.

He goes like this.

I feel assured, Glenda, that when you read my play,

you'll feel that it's absolutely brilliant

and a masterpiece of the highest order possible.

I'm sure I will, Ernie.

I've heard it said many times that yours is one of the greatest talents

in the British theatre, both as author and actor.

I've heard it said many times.

-By whom?

-You.

Of course, I've just finished it, would you like to have a...

-Thank you, yes.

-..quick scan.

It's the shortened version.

There you are. Those are the stage directions. You know about stage directions?

That's when you move about and people nod and say, "Walk that way" and...

Oh, I see.

"Cleopatra smiles a self-assured smile and says to her..."

Could we have the self-assured smile, if you don't mind? I mean...

Right, yes.

-Are you doing it?

-Yes.

We're going to have trouble here.

"All men are fools,

"and what makes them so is having beauty like what I have got."

-Beautiful. Beautiful. And quite well read, that.

-Yes, beautiful.

Is the rest of the play like this?

Well, to be honest, some of it's not quite as good.

Another visitor to the flat had previous with the boys.

At a follow-up to his legendary appearance on their Christmas show,

conductor Andre Previn again has his pride

and scepticism brilliantly exploited.

-Who was the fella we had in mind, Eric?

-Kenny Ball.

-No, no, no, more distinguished than him.

-Acker Bilk.

-No, he looks like Acker Bilk.

-Benjamin Britten.

-That's the one.

-He's the one.

-Is he any good?

-Benjamin Britten?

-Yes.

-Well, he's not bad.

-We're on the right track.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Benjamin Britten happens be a very good friend of mine and

I would hate to think that he would suffer the same indignity as I did.

Well, you can tell your friend that he will be dealing

with two people who have received a very sound musical education.

Where?

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I'll tell you where, Sunbeam.

Milverton Street School.

Milverton Street School?

Oh, you've heard of it!

Yeah, yeah, every Friday morning, after scripture,

-Miss Turnbull used to play all the classics to us.

-All the classics?

All the classics, yeah. The Dream of Olwen.

-There's black notes in that one, you know.

-Black notes?!

I'll tell you something else,

it was Miss Turnbull that got him to take up piano lessons.

-Oh, you took piano lessons, did you?

-Of course.

-How many?

Two.

-Two?

-Two. Yes.

It was the left hand on Monday, and the right hand on Thursday.

The trouble was, I could never make it on the Thursday,

that's why I can only play with the left hand.

It was a pound a lesson.

Five bob if you took your own piano.

-Want to see the marks on my back from..?

-Now, look.

Mr Morecambe, you seem to forget,

you seem to forget that I have heard you play the piano and I...

I wasn't very impressed.

(Don't!)

(Control yourself, we need him.)

-Well, the point was, of course, you've only heard me play one piece.

-Yes, true.

I mean, if you could just walk over here, I'll show you. This way.

-After you.

-No, please.

-That's very kind.

-Smaller than I thought.

-Yes.

Now. What would you like?

-Erm, how about a little Debussy?

-Good idea.

Help yourself, it's in the drinks cabinet.

-What would you say to Honeysuckle Rose?

-Not a lot.

HE PLAYS AVERAGELY

Be honest.

Goodbye.

Eric, phone the Palace and tell them after the show it will be

-Benjamin Britten who will be presented to her.

-Good idea.

Yes.

ERIC WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

Did you...? Did you say, presented to...her?

Well, it's all very hush-hush, you see.

We've got to keep it quiet, We can't talk about it.

You honestly mean to say that SHE is going to attend this performance?

Not only that.

But there is a 50-50 chance that she will be bringing the sword with her.

ERIC WHISTLES

So if we could just have Benjamin Britten's telephone number, please.

-Yes, well, now... Boys, I've been thinking.

-Please, sit down.

Take the weight off your arpeggios.

You did say that whoever conducts this important new musical work

for you will get to meet...her?

ERIC AND ERNIE WHISTLE

See, Benjamin Britten, he's...

Benjamin Britten's good.

Yes, he's good. He's very good, but he's not... He's not that good.

How can I put this to you accurately? He's very...

He's very expensive.

Now, I...

I would be willing to take a cut,

do it quite cheap, you know, because of the...

ANDRE WHISTLES

See, Eric, I mean...

LAUGHTER

-That Grieg Concerto... That Grieg Concerto, that wasn't really all your fault.

-No.

Boys, I've been thinking

and I'd like to be the one to conduct this important new work for you.

-What do you think?

-Impossible.

-No.

-Please.

-I'll talk him into it.

Don't worry. Excuse me.

-We've...

-We've got him hooked.

-Yes.

-He's like a salmon in shallow waters.

He can't move.

-Did you say cheap?

-Yes.

How cheap?

ANDRE WHISTLES

ERIC WHISTLES

For nothing?

-That's your lowest offer?

-Well, yes.

LAUGHTER

Without exception, everyone who walked over the threshold would be

insulted and disparaged, even if they'd once been Prime Minister.

PLAYS TUNELESSLY

BELL RINGS

-How do you keep doing that with just a comb?

-It's not me.

-That will be him now.

-Let him in. I'll give him a fanfare.

-OK.

-Ready?

-Yes.

PLAYS TUNELESSLY

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Good afternoon, Mr Wise. I hope I'm not too late.

-Not at all, Your Grace.

-It's Mike Yarwood.

Absolutely fabulous actor. Do that one for me,

the one I like, when you go, "Not like that, just like that." Do that.

-Just like that.

-Very good.

Excellent, but you sound a bit like Wilson when you're doing it.

You see, you sound too much like Harold Wilson.

Not only do you sound like him, you're starting to look a bit like him.

-Sit here.

-Would you care to sit down?

Just relax and take it easy.

-I won't be a sec.

-See you in a minute, Mike.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

ERIC AND ERNIE WHISPER

I... I'm sorry about that, Your Highness.

I really must apologise for my partner. He is a practising idiot.

He won't need much practice.

I do apologise, Harry.

Or may I call you Sir Harold? I've got one or two things to do.

It won't take a moment.

-I'll... Would you like a drink?

-Yes, I'd love one. Thank you.

I'll go and get you a drink. Won't be a second.

LAUGHTER

-Yes?

-Baker.

-A large slice and two small browns.

What do you...? What do you think you're doing?

That...

I'm terribly sorry, Mr Baker. Really, do come in. Nice to see you.

I must say we are both very excited at meeting you,

-aren't we, Eric?

-Thrilled. Thrilled.

-Good night. We really are.

LAUGHTER

Talking about great actors,

I saw your portrayal of Sir Winston Churchill.

I was moved to tears.

I didn't think it was that bad.

I'll just tell you about my play. It's a romantic play.

-Did you say romantic?

-Yes. Romantic.

-Could I get a word in, please?

Will you take your hand off his muffin?

Mr Robert Morley?

-You've heard of me.

-Good Lord, of course. Who hasn't?

-Yes.

Mecca dancing, Miss United Kingdom.

LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Miss Jackson, and thank you for agreeing to do the play. Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

I told you. Leave everything to me. I said it would be all right.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

-Pardon?

-No.

-It's not me.

-Hello?

-Hello. Whom are you?

-Glenda Jackson.

-Oh, they all say that.

-For all I know you could be a 12-foot burglar with a cosh.

-You could be.

The humiliation of their guests took many forms.

And as Frank Finlay learned, resistance was useless.

OK. Very simple. Tell you what you do.

See the camera? You hide it in the bookcase like that. Right.

-Now it's an electric camera, as you know.

-Yes.

-It fits into there. Right?

-Yeah.

-When I turn that on, the camera is now running, isn't it?

-Yes.

See?

DOORBELL

Let him in.

-Hello.

-Frank.

How are you?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you? Lovely to see you.

-Fine. Are you all right?

-Yes, fine.

Great. Yes.

-Well, I'm sorry I can't do your film.

-Understandable.

-I know.

-You've moved.

-Yes. Don't sit there!

LAUGHTER

Over here, over here.

Let me look at you. Such a long time since I've seen you, Frank.

-You're looking very well.

-And you're looking very well. Great.

LAUGHTER

-Did you...?

-No, no. Quite a while.

The last time was the show we did.

Wonderful. I'm Eric. Lovely to see you.

-Come and sit down over here.

-Come and sit down. Sit down.

-The most comfortable chair in the house, that.

-Lovely.

Make yourself at home.

THEY MOUTH

ERNIE FORCES LAUGHTER

-Right. Come here. Are you...? Are you well?

-Yes, I am.

-Good.

-It's a little cold in here.

-It is a bit chilly, yes.

I'll just put something on you.

That's fine. Lovely to see you.

Frank, tell me, did you have much difficulty in finding the place?

-No, not very much.

-That's good.

-Always been fans of yours, haven't we?

-Oh, yes. I love your work.

-That Hitler thing you did.

-That was marvellous.

-That was great.

What is that mark on your lip just there? I'll just take it off.

-That was great. When you used to do Hitler.

-Absolutely fantastic.

It really was.

Wonderful. Let's have a look. Yes, I'd see about that if I were you.

-You know the one I like the best, Frank?

-No.

-It was the Danish prince, when you played the Danish prince.

-Hamlet?

-Hamlet. That's the one.

-Have a cigar.

-Here's a light.

-What did he used to say?

-"I'll ask George, Eric, he was a mate of mine."

No, it wasn't that. What was it?

-INDISTINCT:

-Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well.

-Great.

-Lovely.

-That wasn't from Richard III, was it?

-No. That's Hamlet.

-That was Hamlet. I see. Yes. What did Richard III say?

-No idea,

I haven't talked to him.

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."

-I remember you doing that at the National.

-Yes.

-Almost closed it.

I remember. Lovely.

-We've just come back from our holidays, you know.

-Have you?

-Where did you go to?

-My Son Aladdin.

-Where is My Son Aladdin?

-It's near Scarborough.

Just outside Scarborough.

He terrified you as Hitler.

You've thrilled at his Hamlet.

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well.

You trembled at his Richard III.

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

You screamed at his Widow Twankey.

Where's my son Aladdin?

APPLAUSE

One thing Eric and Ernie have never been recognised for is

their eye for interior design.

From the '60s to the '80s, the flat was a future eBay dealer's dream.

# To everything

# Turn, turn, turn

# There is a season

# Turn, turn, turn

# And a time to every purpose

# Under heaven

# A time to build up A time to break down

# A time to dance A time to mourn

# A time to cast away stones A time to gather... #

In the '70s it was difficult to distinguish Eric

and Ernie from the wallpaper.

When the time finally came to move on from the BBC to

ITV in 1978, they packed up and left the old place behind them.

It was the end of an era.

A time for poignant memories, bittersweet reflection

and jokes about Ernie's wig.

-Hey.

-What?

I remember the first time you ever stuck your head out this window.

-When was that?

-Do you?

-I don't.

-You do. It was blowing a gale.

It blew your wig off.

And it landed in that garden down there.

A little old lady came out and gave it a saucer of milk.

LAUGHTER

With the move came a new flat.

And after nine years at the old place, it took them

a while to get used to it.

-Hey.

-What?

-I'm going now.

-Oh...

-What?

-I'm going to the kitchen.

-Yes?

-I'm going into the kitchen.

LAUGHTER

-I've forgotten - it's a new flat.

-We've only just moved in.

-I'm going in the kitchen or the bedroom.

-Or the bedroom.

And I'm going to count my legs.

Underlying the relationship between Eric and Ernie on screen,

as in life, was a deep affection.

If Eric was a bored child, Ernie was a tolerant parent.

Very tolerant.

There you are. £5. See that the old folk have a great time.

-That really is so very generous.

-That's OK. It's a pleasure.

-Don't worry about it.

-Thank you.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye. Just a moment. Just a moment. Don't go just yet.

I haven't seen YOU giving any money.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you haven't given anything. I gave £5.

-I'll match anything you gave.

-Let's see you match the £5.

All right, then.

LAUGHTER

£5. See that they get a good time.

-That really is very generous of you.

-It is, isn't it?

-Thank you.

-I'll tell you once and once only.

-I see.

-This is purely a business relationship.

-Of course.

-Understood?

-Naturally, naturally.

-Right.

-I'm sorry about that, Miss Parsons.

-Parsons, eh, Parsons?

Are you by any chance one of the missing Parsons?

You must forgive me. Every now and again I do tend towards the debonair.

PHONE RINGS

I'll get it.

I'm sorry. There's no phone here.

Who?

Ernie Wise?

Haven't you heard?

Very sad.

Passed on during the night.

It's been a shock to us all.

Yes, it has. The doctor said it was constriction of the wallet.

LAUGHTER

He was as right as nine pence one minute, and the next minute

he was writhing in agony on the floor clutching his bonuses.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm sure he can do better than that.

Come on, let's see you really give. Give the woman £10.

LAUGHTER

-Do you think I should?

-Sure, go right ahead.

I don't mind.

-There we are. Oops!

-Hey!

There we are. £10.

That really is so very generous.

While I'm in a generous mood, where are you taking them?

-Southend.

-Southend. Here's the lot. Take them to Las Vegas.

There's enough there for a potato each.

-We are trying to work.

-Not another word from me, I promise you.

-Right.

-Tony...

-Fancy a coffee?

-Thank you.

I know a little cafe about 200 miles up the motorway.

-Eh? How would you fancy that?

-I want to have a word.

Eh? A little motel...

Are you deliberately trying to make me look a fool in front of Pat?

How dare you say a thing like that? You know very well I am.

-Just you listen to me. If I...

-Ssh.

-Hello, Miss Tasker.

-Hello, Miss Tasker.

-The sing-along is tomorrow.

It always is with Max.

-Why is it you're so good at embarrassing me?

-I practise a lot.

-Hundreds of pounds.

-ERIC AND ERNIE: Hundreds of pounds.

-Excuse me.

-Yes? What have you done?

You really are the kindest most generous person I have ever met.

-Thank you.

-Goodbye.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Goodbye.

-Do you save wicked women?

-Yes.

Save one for me.

LAUGHTER

"You really are the most kindest, generous man I've ever met."

-How much did you give her?

-Pardon?

-How much did you give her?

-I didn't give her anything.

-You didn't?

-It was your wallet.

I found it on the floor.

-Ern?

-What?

-You're looking for trouble with her.

-Looking for trouble?

-Yes.

-This is nothing to do with you.

-Oh, well.

-Why don't you do something constructive for a change?

-Such as?

Clear off.

Sorry about that.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Tony turned to Cynthia

and with a worried look on his face said...

Have you seen my flies?

LAUGHTER

As ever with Eric and Ernie, the joke was ultimately on them.

Turning down an invitation to the flat was, with sweet irony,

one of the best ways to appear on the show.

Got to get some more guests on the show.

-I know that, don't I, you fool? I know that.

-Somebody important.

Somebody with a bit of class. From the theatre or the world of music.

Who have you got in mind?

Him.

-Not Andre Previn?

-Yes.

-He's rubbish. He's rubbish.

He can't conduct, he can't sing, he can't dance, he can do nothing.

He'll ruin my Grieg's Piano Concerto.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-None of these people will work with us again.

-I'll soon fix that.

Don't worry.

Hello. Mr Preview.

-ADOPTS POSH ACCENT:

-The BBC here. We've got a very big show going out on Christmas night.

We'd like you to take part. Can you do it?

Yes, I'd like to do that. That sounds very interesting.

What's the name of the programme?

The Morecambe And Wise Show?

Yes, well, I'll have to think that over.

I've thought it over and the answer is no.

-Use a bit of tact.

-I'm always tactful.

The fellow I'm ringing has never done the show before. Hello!

Hello. Denis Healey here.

Hello, Eric. How are you?

Yes, I'd be very pleased to be a guest on your Christmas show.

I really am very honoured. Tell me, why did you think of asking me?

You couldn't get Mike Yarwood.

Who are you trying now?

-I think that we need a dancer on the show.

-Yes.

Somebody to give it a bit of tone.

-Good idea.

-I'm ringing that fellow, what's his name?

Rudolf Nearenough.

Nureyev.

That's near enough.

Hello. Mr Nearenough?

ADOPTS POSH ACCENT: The BBC here. We've got a great big prestige show going out at Christmas

and we thought you'd be ideal for the show

and we want to know whether you'd like to do it.

I think I might be able to do it.

But tell me,

this is rather unusual, isn't it?

I mean, what made you think of asking me?

You couldn't get Lionel Blair?

Rather typical of BBC.

Hello, Mr Menuhin. This is the BBC here.

We've got a great big spectacular show going out at Christmas

and we'd like you to take part. Are you interested?

Yes, I am interested. What is the name of the show?

The Morecambe And Wise Show.

And you say you want me to bring my...banjo?

But I don't play the banjo. Would a violin be any good?

It wouldn't. Sorry, can't help you.

-Who are you ringing now?

-Dame Flora Robson.

-He's good.

-I like him.

-It's a lady.

-Oh. I thought it was a friend of yours from pantomime.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Flora Robson speaking.

Oh. Hello, Mr Wise.

Well, that's very kind of you.

Yes, I'd be delighted to be in a television play with you.

It's very kind of you to ask me.

There's just one thing I'd like to know.

Will your partner Eric Morecambe be appearing with me in the play?

Yes, he will.

Well, in that case I'd rather not. Thank you. Goodbye.

-Rubbish.

-She's gone.

-Rubbish!

-She doesn't want to know.

She knows nothing!

-Dame Flora.

-I'll never use her margarine again.

It seems some guests took a while to get the joke.

Word has it that when the theatrical legend Sir Ralph Richardson was

first asked to appear, he initially suggested they get

Harold Pinter to write it, a collaboration we can only dream of.

Here he is with the great Robert Hardy, mastering some very

un-Pinteresque dialogue.

-So, Ralph, would you like to read my play?

-Yes, I would very much.

-Thank you.

-There you are.

While you're reading it, could I help you to another glass of wine?

Wine, no, thanks. Have you got any tea, Ern?

LAUGHTER

He did it! He did it!

-Doesn't matter how big they are, they enjoy doing that one.

-I know.

-Robert? Robert?

-Yes, sir.

Robert, have you...? Have you read this play?

Not yet.

-Trouble.

-What do you mean trouble?

-He's not going to do it. I can tell.

-I'm supposed to be Disraeli.

-Oh, yes?

-Disraeli with a Z.

Sir Ralph, what do you think of it so far?

Don't answer that, Sir Ralph, please.

-Sir Ralph, would you do me a great favour?

-What?

Would you read the speech from Disraeli

when he's in the Houses of Parliament?

-I think it's there somewhere. There it is.

-Yes.

Well, all right.

I will. "The honourable member doubts my integrity.

"I'll have him know that only yesterday I visited Wales

"and spoke with Her Majesty at Balmoral."

LAUGHTER

"She honoured me by saying that nobody had served the country with

"such patriotic fervour than what like I have.

"She has further honoured me by accepting my invitation to

"spend the weekend at Chequers playing draughts."

Mr Wise, this is really very funny.

-Funny?

-I think it's very witty.

-It's supposed to be a drama.

It's very witty indeed.

But you know, looking through this play, I can't find anything,

-any part for your associate.

-You mean Eric?

-Yes.

-He's not in it.

-He's definitely not in it.

-Oh, dash it, what a pity.

I think that's a pity too.

He's not that bad. Don't you like those little monologues he does?

His monologues. They are quite wonderful.

Especially this one.

"'Oh, Doctor Johnny,' said Flora McMurray, 'Old Angus is starting

"'to wilt. He sat down on the crag for a pipe full of shag

"'and a hedgehog shot straight up his kilt.'"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So the flat was really an extension of Morecambe and Wise,

their characters, their friendship, their shared history.

It's appropriate, then, that it's the double bed where they started

and where they always ended up together but alone,

that gave us some of the flat's most memorable laughs.

LAUGHTER

That's very untidy.

I'm not bothered. They're yours.

-Ern?

-Yes?

Just testing. I don't like getting into bed with strangers.

-Ern?

-Yes.

-Do you think you could do me a favour?

-Do you think I could ask a favour?

-There's no harm in asking.

-Can I sleep on your side of the bed tonight?

-Certainly not.

-There's a hell of a draught comes in through that window.

-No.

-You'll have sciatica in the morning.

-I won't.

I'll have Shredded Wheat like everybody else.

LAUGHTER

You always do that - get into bed with your dressing gown on.

It's a nasty habit.

But there are worse.

Why don't you read your newspaper?

-How is the spectacular coming along, then?

-Well, I don't know, really.

I don't know whether to make it into an historical drama

or one of those science fiction ones.

Jules Verne.

-Who?

-Jules Verne.

-No.

I'm not having any of those French singers in my play.

-I think I'll make it science fiction.

-I like science fiction.

-Do you?

-Yes.

Flash Gordon, he was one of my favourites.

-Do you remember Flash Gordon?

-Yes.

-I used to call my cousin Flash Gordon.

-Hmm?

He got six months.

Are you going to read your newspaper or annoy me?

I can do both.

-Oh-ho.

-What?

-It says here, "International film star Sophia Loren

-"has turned down an offer from Sir Lew Grade."

-Oh, yeah.

"She said the grass was too damp."

The Chinese, they don't have their Christmas Day

till the middle of July, which is ridiculous, really.

The mince pies will be stone cold.

I liked Christmas when I was little.

Did you like Christmas when you were a puppy?

I remember going round to your house on Christmas Day.

You'd just finished your Christmas dinner. I couldn't believe my eyes.

We like kippers.

Kippers for Christmas dinner.

At least my father always used to get a bird.

Till your mother caught him with her.

In the doorway of the Co-op.

He got his divvy that night.

-I always used to get better Christmas presents than you.

-We're onto that, are we?

-All the best toys.

-All the best toys.

-A bagatelle, a fort. It's all coming up, I know that.

-A bagatelle. A fort.

I had a little Dinky.

You still have.

If you're sitting in a draught, why don't you close the curtains?

That's a good idea. I will.

SIREN

He's not going to sell much ice cream going at that speed, is he?

LAUGHTER

-Lovely night, isn't it?

-Lovely full moon out there.

There's a red tint in the sky.

-It's going to be a lovely day tomorrow.

-Yes. For some. Not you.

Why not for me?

-That red tint in the sky?

-Yeah.

-The bank is on fire.

-The bank?

Which one is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And that, sadly, is where we must leave our anarchic housemates.

Eric and Ernie's flat was a place where we all felt strangely at home.

After all, most of us spent every Christmas there.

They were the grown-ups we all wanted to be.

Silly, yet sophisticated, and with a limitless supply of famous friends.

And from morning to night, from the kitchen to the bedroom

and back again, via the airing cupboard, life was the one thing

we all want it to be - a laugh.

Good night.

# May you never lay your head down

# Without a hand to hold

# May you never make your bed out in the cold

# Well, you're just like a great and strong brother of mine

# And you know that I love you true

# You never talk dirty behind my back

# And I know there are those that do

# Bear it in mind

# Love is a lesson to learn in our time

# Please won't you, please won't you

# Bear it in mind for me

# May you never lay your head down

# Without a hand to hold

# May you never lose your woman overnight. #