Leading Men Morecambe & Wise In Pieces

Now, it's all beginning to make sense.

You realise what this means, don't you?

No, what does it mean?

Well, they'll never get away with it.

Of course, it's a long shot, but it might just work.

Anyway...

forensic will tell us.

Morecambe and Wise, Britain's leading men of comedy...

In my opinion, Ern, you could be another George Bernard Priestley.

Shaw.

Positive.

..Heroes...

..Villains...

One of you two is the notorious outlaw, Dick Turpin.

It's him.

..Lovers...

You are so handsome...

so virile...

so young.

-Ern?

-What?

Am I in the right play?

Yes!

..Idiots...

-How are you, sir?

-How nice to see you.

Good evening and welcome to Morecambe and Wise and their leading men.

The stars, screen legends and matinee idols

who were brave enough or perhaps foolish enough

to play alongside them.

Do my eyes deceive me...

Oh, yes.

Yes, this is almost an honour.

This is a man who is having trouble with his eyes.

Charmed.

-Be honest, what do you think?

-Even more beautiful than I had imagined.

Keep your hand on your holiday money tonight.

-It is my duty to serve you, sir.

-Thank you very much. You married?

Do you think if I was married my wife would let me

appear in a rotten play like this?

-No.

-Well, I am, and she does.

What a magnificent suit of armour.

-What is he talking about?!

-You are supposed to be wearing armour!

I haven't got any flaming armour, have I?!

I wouldn't be able to wear it anyway, it's too dangerous, you can't cough.

Salute!

Gentlemen, you must realise...

..that India is growing.

19,000 babies are born here every day.

We do our best, sir.

In a few moments, I shall leave this wretched place

but you have to stay here for another 13 programmes.

What attracted such talent was the work of one of Britain's

greatest playwrights. Not Shakespeare, not Shaw, not Coward.

Wise.

-Hello, Oscar.

-Oscar?

Oscar Wilde.

I'm not interested in pop singers.

I'm an author.

-What have you been doing in the other room?

-Perusing my synopsis.

Well, every man needs a hobby.

This is the story of a man.

A man respected by his fellow men

and adored by the ladies for his charm and wit

and elegant good looks.

A man of dignity,

a man of great education like what no other men had got.

Rocky felt a tingle of excitement as his executive jet

touched down in Amsterdam.

It was his first visit to Italy.

The plays what Ernie wrote became the talk of the town, generating the

kind of critical acclaim that had the biggest names

clamouring for a role.

I, sir, am Superintendent...

Board and Lodgings,

master of disguise.

-Who is it?

-You didn't recognise me there for a moment, did you, sir?

-No, I did not.

-HE SHOUTS

Painful, those things.

And who, may I ask, sir, are you?

I, sir, am the right honourable Sir Hardly Touched.

-I am very sorry I am late but it is my own stupid fault.

-Oh, is it?

-Oh, really?

-I was enjoying a roundelay at the Blue Boar Inn

when I slipped and twisted a madrigal.

He's doing all my lines! I should be saying all that!

Not only that, he's masking me as well.

-What could be worse than a little verse?

-This is it.

-Yes.

The King stood on the burning deck, the men all shouted monarchs...

-Just a minute!

-Now, wait.

Your name, your rank and your number.

-BARELY INTELLIGIBLE VENTRILOQUISM:

-242084.

UNINTELLIGIBLE VENTRILOQUISM

Very interesting.

Commander, you seem to doubt whether this is Captain Hammond.

-There is one sure way of finding out, sir.

-Ah, yes.

Ah!

It is Captain Hammond. I beg your pardon, Captain.

Mr Holmes, I shall do everything in my power to help solve this

appalling crime.

Is it true that 12 months ago you were arrested

and convicted of being...

the Bermondsey Flasher?

HE WHISTLES

How dare you, Mr Holmes, for the accusation is totally untrue

and a dreadful indictment as to my integrity.

Holmes, what does a flasher get when he's caught?

I would say, in your case, Watson, a fine

under the Trades Description Act.

It was writer Eddie Braben who created this persona for Ernie -

the pompous, deluded, semi-literate playwright.

Well, Master Peter?

-Most likely.

-Good lad.

I'm not kidding you, this is the most difficult play

-I've ever had to write.

-Really?

It's taken me nearly 20 minutes.

Braben's stroke of genius altered the dynamic between Morecambe

and Wise and took the comedy to new heights.

Ernie wrote terrible plays and Eric wouldn't hear a word against them.

-Brilliant, that.

-You like it?

-As always.

-And you know what you are to me?

-No.

You are the Leonardo da Vinci of the felt tip.

Think so?

Ordinary folk like myself can only sit and stare in astonishment.

Well, I don't go in for self analysis,

but I'm just grateful and very humble that I'm a genius.

True.

I must admit it, the Brothers Grimm were good,

but by golly, Ernie, you are grimmer.

LAUGHTER

He would, however, try everything in his power to ruin them.

APPLAUSE

Hello!

-Mr Greene! Mr Greene! Are you there?

-What happened?

-I don't know!

Something seems to have gone wrong.

I said one word and the curtains closed on me.

You were very good. Outstanding.

Congratulations. The finest bit of acting I've seen in years.

Short, and straight to the point.

Another one for the archives, Ern. Who is the guest on next week?

It's you, isn't it?

You! You closed those curtains, didn't you?

You are deliberately trying to ruin my play!

Ern, of course I am!

Well, get off!

LAUGHTER

-BOTH:

-How come we sighted the French fleet?

Good heavens!

THEY BOTH COUGH

-BOTH:

-Excuse me.

By all that's holy, 'tis the beautiful Lady Hamilton.

Hamilton.

LAUGHTER

Hold it, hold it.

That's very difficult when you've only got one arm.

-First line of the play, and it's gone wrong.

-Already?

-Already.

Who's done it? Who's gone wrong? Is it you, son?

I wouldn't dream of doing anything, darling.

-I haven't even spoken a word.

-It's not him.

-Why are you dressed as Lord Nelson?

-Exactly.

Don't stand there looking demure.

Tell him - why are you dressed as Lord Nelson?

-Well...

-Not her! You!

Ah! Yes! There is a reason.

And what's that reason?

-You remember this afternoon in the flat?

-Yes.

-This lady is too much for you, Ern.

-Damn!

I'm here to help you.

Oh, come on. Hurry up, hurry up.

-I'm waiting to get to the passionate bit.

-See what I mean?

This one's on brewer's yeast. You've got no chance, I'm telling you.

-You are making me look a right nit!

-There you are! You see?

-You're making him look a right nit!

-Well?

-He's deeply hurt.

Well, it's his truncheon. What do you mean his...

-What do you mean his truncheon?

-He put it down the wrong trouser leg!

-Get away.

-I noticed that when he got off that bike and placated himself.

-In jeopardy.

-Have you finished?

-Hey?

-Have you finished?

Yes. I've ruined it all for you, haven't I?

You've spoilt the whole thing, and you've ruined it completely.

HE LAUGHS

-Lovely, isn't it? Well, he works well. He's lovely.

-I'm sorry about this, Edward.

In some ways, the most important leading man

in Eric and Ernie's life was Eddie Braben himself.

He was brought on to the show in 1969 by Bill Cotton,

head of variety at the BBC.

Eddie had until then been writing for Ken Dodd,

but he was used to writing gags - one-liners - rather than sketches.

-Are you all enjoying yourselves?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Why? What are you doing?

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a fabulous show for you.

We've got artists from all the four corners of the Labour Exchange.

We've got the famous Welsh tenor, Chewed Abutty.

And we have a wonderful Indian sword-swallower, Ram Disdown.

Um, we also have a remarkable novelty act, the Three Lumps.

You'll love her.

And we also have a man, a man who balances - balances on a 40ft pole.

One slip and you'll say, "How's that for a lolly ice?" So...

The Morecambe & Wise Show was a different beast,

and no-one was sure it would work.

Eddie Braben had much in common with Morecambe and Wise.

Born and raised in Liverpool, Eddie ran a fruit and veg store

and wrote jokes in his spare time,

sending them to the acts he saw at the Liverpool Empire.

The first person to pay him for one was Charlie Chester.

After that, cabbages began to lose some of their allure.

Eric and Ernie's previous writers, Sid Green and Dick Hills,

were privately educated schoolmasters,

and Bill Cotton had a hunch that despite being a gag man,

Eddie Braben would fit the bill.

Eddie himself, however, wasn't convinced,

telling the boys he didn't think he was the writer for them.

It could have ended there,

but they persuaded him to do three shows, just to give it a chance.

Eddie agreed, and the rest is history.

Some have sorrows to hide from.

Some are fugitives from justice.

They're all trying to forget their troubles, like what I am.

LAUGHTER

My dear father murdered. Whomest killest thouest, and whyest?

LAUGHTER

I've been searching for my fiancee, Lydia.

I've searched the four corners of the world, and many, many other places too.

But she seems to have disappeared without trace.

I've been searching for her everywhere.

In my aeroplane, what has just crashed.

LAUGHTER

It was Eddie's idea to include the plays what Ernie wrote,

and producer John Ammonds to invite big-name guests to take part.

Their first show as a team, and Ernie's first play,

was King Arthur And The Knights Of The Round Table,

starring Mr Peter Cushing.

Sit down, Peter! Enjoy yourself.

The old entree in a few minutes.

Sir Eric, what would you like to eat?

-Suckling pig and chips.

-Suckling pig and chips?

-Yes.

-A goblet!

-A goblet?

-A goblet.

-Just a reminder.

-Sir Eric.

-What a fine actor this boy is.

-It's a girl.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-Could have fooled me from here.

-You must be glad to be back from your travels.

-Could have called.

I must ask you, Sir Eric, tell me about your doings.

LAUGHTER

Well, do I tell him, or do I just get up and go?

-CROAKY VOICE:

-What did His Majesty ask you?

IMITATES WISE'S VOICE: He wants to know about me doings!

-What news of Carlisle?

-They won 3-1!

The second goal was a beauty, I'm told.

One of the finest ever scored on that ground!

Mr Wise, I am sorry, but I just cannot continue.

-I have my reputation as an actor to consider.

-Stay, stay, King Arthur.

-What's all this temperament business?

-Stay in character, please.

Do me a favour - tell him we go all the way through a sketch.

We don't cut it up, you know, like you do in films,

with those little guitar picks and everything. I've seen it.

-Don't walk too close. He'll bite your neck.

-OK.

It was a shambles, but a success. A success because it was a shambles.

And crucially, Cushing understood that.

-My career is in ruins anyway.

-Yes, I know.

-This new business...

-Now, leave it to me, sire.

-Hurry up! Get to the plot!

Now, listen, I have some very deadly poison placed in this ring.

I will put it in this goblet, which is his drink - Sir Eric's drink.

Yes. He'll be unconscious for two weeks.

Anything, so long as we can get rid of him.

-Please divert his attention, Your Majesty.

-Sir Eric!

-Yes!

What?

What thinkest thou of my gown?

Can you get it off while I'm in shot?

-Sir Eric, you come and sit down.

-Thank you.

-Am I forgiven for that outburst?

-Yes.

-I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry about it. You're doing quite well for an amateur.

-Carry on.

-May I suggest a toast?

-Certainly.

I would like to propose a toast to His Majesty, King Arthur.

Hallelujah! ALL: Hallelujah!

-Right. His Majesty.

-His Majesty.

-King Arthur!

-King Arthur.

-But...

-Hey?

-Hey?

I would like to make the first toast to my lady, Queen Guinevere.

-BOTH: Queen Guinevere.

-That's a lovely name.

A nicer woman never drew blood.

-BOTH: Queen Guinevere.

-Queen Guinevere.

-But! But!

I'D like to make some toast.

-Propose a toast?

-Yes.

To, uh...to that naked lady over there!

-Naked lady? Where?

-Over there.

-I can't see a naked lady.

-Can you see her?

-No.

-You've got to be quick.

Just a quick flash every now and again.

-Her Majesty!

-I think I'm the only one who sees it.

-Her Majesty, the Queen.

-The Queen.

-The Queen.

SHE SCREAMS

-Got a deep voice, hasn't he?

-Excuse me, sire.

-Certainly.

Your Majesty, may I propose a toast to your bravest knights?

-To my bravest knights?

-Yes.

-What are we drinking to?

-We're drinking to his bravest knights.

-Oh, good idea.

-Yes. Here we go.

-To the bravest knights.

To the bravest knights.

-Must take me for a right mug.

-Yes, it's true.

To my bravest knights!

Chablis, isn't it? Chablis?

HE YELLS

Well, that's two down, and two to go.

You thought that I was going to be poisoned, didn't you, lad?

HE YELPS

HE GROANS

Come, Watson.

HE YELPS

-Come, Watson.

-HE YELPS

Now! Come, Watson.

That is the finest disguise you ever wore. Let's go.

That famous sketch also spawned this long-running gag.

I am Peter Cushing, and I was in your show a few weeks ago.

I'm sorry, no.

-No, because we've never worked Carnarvon, have we?

-No, we haven't.

-I was in your show.

-Yes.

-And I have not yet been paid.

-Sounds like one of our shows.

-Yes, it does.

Very sorry to have to take this attitude,

-but I've come for my money.

-Yes.

You keep fobbing me off with excuses every time

I ask for payment. I demand to be reimbursed.

-Well, I'm not a medical man, but I do know a fellow in Scotland.

-No.

See, we've never worked together before. We've never seen you before.

If only I could find Mr Wilkins, the chief accountant,

-because he's got my money.

-Mr Wilkins, the chief accountant? Oh, he's just along there.

-Just along there, yes.

-Thanks very much. Goodbye.

Hello. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Peter Cushing.

-Have you come for your money?

-Yes.

-No, we don't remember you at all.

You see, I appeared on one of your shows four years ago,

and I still haven't been paid.

Ah, yes. Well, I don't seem to remember you at all, Mr Cushing.

-Edward, so they roped you in too.

-Peter, why didn't you warn me?

-I haven't been paid yet.

-Nor have I been paid!

-And I haven't been paid yet either.

-And I haven't been paid!

So I suggest we all go look for Mr Wilkins.

-Have you any idea where he might be?

-Through that door!

-Through that door.

-Come on, come on.

-Mr Wilkins!

-Mr Wilkins!

-Mr Wilkins.

ALL SHOUT

Mr Wilkins!

-Do I know you, young sir?

-I am Cushing.

Well, that's a nasty habit for a start.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-The one that worked in London?

-Yes!

-Your face looks familiar.

-Yes.

-Vaguely familiar, yes.

-I've come for my money.

-WAILS

You mustn't say things like that.

-He's got to last me another three months yet.

-Just a minute!

-That's the best bit of news I've heard yet.

-That man is ours.

-What are you talking about?

-You owe us at least 50 guineas each.

-Get off, get off.

-We've all done shows for these people, and we haven't been paid.

-What do you mean, you haven't been paid?

-Take no notice.

If you work for these two, you are ruined for life.

-They never pay you.

-We'll soon see to that. Come on, lads. We'll go and have a clear out.

-They never learn, do they?

-No, they never learn.

Eddie Braben's trial period quickly became permanent,

and Ernie's plays a regular fixture.

BOTH: Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave.

-Good Lord! The tomb of Tutankhamen.

-I don't like this place.

-It's horrible!

-It is, isn't it?

-Yes.

We played a place like this not so long ago, didn't we?

-The Egyptian empire.

-No, it was the Liverpool Empire, to be exact.

The greatest testament yet discovered

to the majesty that was Egypt.

Sir Robert, over here.

Hieroglyphics. I wonder what those symbols mean.

May I?

You can translate them for us?

What?

LAUGHTER

What!

-You know what the writing means?

-Oh!

That's a bird.

Percy Edwards.

-Percy Edwards.

-Percy Edwards?

-Beer?

-No, no. Bass. Bass with a Y.

-Bassey.

-Bassey.

-What's it all mean?

Shirley Bassey, you see.

-I thought that's what it means.

-Yes.

Percy Edwards. Shirley Bassey.

Percy Thrower.

Show Of The Week.

Weather forecast.

Clothes down.

LAUGHTER

You've been looking at the 14th-century BC edition

of the Radio Times.

With the same pictures.

-Amazing!

-Sir Robert, over here.

-Yes.

This may be the clue for which we are searching.

That is true.

CREAKING

-It can't be.

-What are they?

They're his mementos.

They've kept well, haven't they?

Well, he can't have got very far. He must be here somewhere.

He can't have got far without his mementos.

-This is very unusual.

-It is. There's three of them.

Famous guests were delighted to be cast against type.

Here's Edward Woodward,

at the time famous for his betrayal of the cold-blooded hit man Callan.

No, I think I'll start with this gentleman over here.

That's a woman.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been on nights.

LAUGHTER

That's the ticket!

-I thought I'd just put that in there.

-Yes, good stunt.

I'll get me own back. Don't worry. All right!

-I'll bring you back to life.

-Now, sir. Now, sir, if I may make so bold...

Third door on the left. You can't miss it.

You haven't got a lot this week. We haven't got a lot to do this week?

Have you? We'll get you a book in a minute.

Could I have your name, sir?

Don't you like your own? Aren't you happy with yours?

Edward Woodward. Very difficult to say. Edward Woodward...

-Sir, perhaps I ought to have your fingerprints.

-Certainly!

HE LAUGHS

He can't move now. He's paralysed all down one side!

-May I just have a word with you privately?

-Yes, sir.

I know I've only got a little bit.

Yes, well, I mean, we will only take your word for that.

-But Mr Morecambe keeps making me lose my flow.

-Yes.

Well, we can still only take your word for that.

You dropped your thing.

-I do apologise for all this, really, I do.

-Oh, stop.

-What's the matter with you? Send him home!

-I can't do that.

We don't need him! Don't forget I can do my impressions, you know.

-We don't really want big actors.

-What impressions?

-Well, that, for a start. Look at that!

-What impression is that?

Sooty with no clothes on.

-How's our position, Christian?

-I'd rather not. I'm just on my tea.

-The entire crew is looking very ugly.

-We have a very ugly crew.

-ALL: Boom, boom, boom.

-You are trying my patience.

Let me put it this way, sunshine.

-There's going to be trouble.

-Trouble?

-Trouble?

-Trouble! Right here in River City. City. City.

# That rhymes with 'fool' Let's start with 'fool'! #

Oh, I get it.

Now, look here, Christine.

No, no, Christian.

The ship's doctor did a marvellous job.

Except when the boat goes to leeward.

Hence the limp.

Your whole attitude is an insult to our very kind captain.

-I think it's the hat.

-Yes.

And I think you are trying to turn the men against me,

whereas it should be your duty to keep them happy.

I try and keep them happy, sir! Didn't I have them on deck all last night singing sea shanties?

-Yes, I heard them.

-What more do you want?

Christian, "E, I, adio, the captain is a berk"

never was a sea shanty.

It was a brave soul who took on Morecambe & Wise comedy,

and Arthur Lowe was a very brave soul.

Rehearsing his part as Captain Bligh,

he ignored a written line and threw in a Humphrey Bogart impression.

Eric loved it, and it stayed in.

There was no place for egos on this show.

I know my crew, and they are behind me to a man.

Only one thing to do, see.

Just one thing.

We've got to put it to the test.

-IMITATES BOGART:

-That's how it's going to be, sweetheart.

APPLAUSE

Very well, sir. Fair enough, that.

Audiences grew and grew as the shows got more confident.

And even the most distinguished actors

would cheerfully line up to be ridiculed.

I made a film once...

About prisoners of war.

-I don't know whether you remember it.

-Rubbish.

It was called The Colditz Story.

-No, I don't remember it. No.

-Rubbish.

-No?

-No, I don't.

-It was quite a big success.

-Oh, was it really?

-Yes.

-It was the biggest load of rubbish I've ever seen in my life.

-I played the senior escape artist.

-Did you?

-Well, mine is a completely original story.

-Did you get killed in the end?

-What?

Did you get killed in the end?

-No.

-Well, you will in Ernie's.

Because if the Germans can't get you, the audience do.

Well, Bill, you know the words, so...

You don't mind if I call you Bill?

-No, not at all.

-You can call me Mr Wise.

-Edward, this is Eric Morecambe. This is Mr Edward Woodward.

-How are you?

Very nice to meet you. Very nice.

You want to get it out and give us a tune?

LAUGHTER

-Get what out?

-Well, that's up to you.

Very pleased to know you. Of course, I've got all your records.

Oh, really? My LP is out, you know?

You can get two years for that, you know?

LAUGHTER

Peter, Peter, I'm very, very sorry about this.

This must be very embarrassing for you.

We shouldn't ridicule you like this. I do apologise.

-As a matter of fact, you are my favourite star.

-You crawler!

When that telegram came from him this morning begging for work,

you said to me, "Peter Cushing?

"Who's Peter Cushing?" you said.

-Hello, Francis.

-Hello, Ernie.

-It's nice to see you again.

-It's nice to be here.

-I'm one of your favourites.

-Oh.

Francis Matthews was a regular guest.

They'd met in the mid-1950s,

when Francis told Eric he'd seen them on the telly and loved it.

"It's rubbish," replied Eric.

"We'll never do television again."

They were talking about Running Wild,

the boys' disastrous first stab at television.

But they did come back, and they remained great friends with Francis.

Which really shines through in this sketch.

-You know...?

-YELPS

-This is a very strange house.

-Really? How do you mean?

-Last year...

-Yes?

-Somebody was poisoned here.

-What?

-What happened?

-What happened?

-Well, the main suspect...

-Yes.

-Yes.

-..was the butler.

-Ah.

They suspected the butler? What had he done? What's it all about?

The butler came in carrying three glasses of whisky and a glass of milk.

Really?

And which particular drink was the poison in?

It was the milk.

Or was it the whisky?

-No, no! It was definitely the milk.

-Definitely.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-The hot milk was for the wee lassie.

-Hold on, sir.

-Hold it.

-You drink it.

-So, you think the milk is poisoned?

-I hope so.

-So do I.

Could take a week.

HE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

HE GROANS

11 years later, Nigel Hawthorne was a guest on the show.

But you can't keep a good leg joke down,

and if it was funny the first time, well...

Why don't you let Hawthorne tell you his side of the story?

-What a good idea. Sit down, Hawthorne.

-Sit down.

-Thank you, gentlemen.

-Tell me exactly...

-Yes.

-And in your own words...

-Yes.

-Exactly what happened this morning.

Well, I brought my master his breakfast at eight o'clock.

Or was it nine?

No, it was eight.

Well, it might have been, um...

Um..

Um...

No, it was nine.

And what time exactly did your master die?

Well, I think he died at 10 o'clock.

Or...it might have been...

No, it was 10.

Yes, gentlemen, I think that's it.

APPLAUSE

As you know, this is a land of strange customs.

-And it is my painful duty...

-Yes, sir.

..to inform you that this great country, its customs...

..and its traditions...

..are facing a grave danger.

-You don't mean...?

-Oh, yes, I do. Mohamed Khan.

Eric Porter was one of the best-known actors

in the country following the huge success of The Forsyte Saga.

He won a BAFTA award for best actor,

but being asked onto the 1970 Morecambe & Wise Christmas show

was, for him, the real prize.

Oh, it's good to be back home again.

Welcome home, Father.

My dear, you grow prettier every day.

Thank you, Father.

Did you bring a present back from Liverpool, Father?

As a matter of fact, I brought something most unusual back from Liverpool.

Whilst there, I chanced upon this wild gypsy youth

-without folk of his own nor roof over his head.

-A gypsy?

Father, you don't mean...?

Yes, I brought him back here to Wuthering Heights to live with us as one of the family.

-Father, are you out of your mind?

-I think I must be.

-I want to see the gypsy, Father.

-And so you shall, Catherine.

Heathcliff!

Heathcliff! Come on in, you wild gypsy, you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Evening, all.

I'm sorry I'm a bit late.

But my caravan was towed away four times by the council this morning.

And if you want your fortune told, buy some of me pegs.

-Heathcliff, welcome to Wuthering Heights.

-Very kind.

I'd like you to meet my beautiful daughter, Catherine.

Hello, Catherine. How are you?

I've heard a lot about you from two sailors in Portsmouth.

They sent a message. "Keep up the good work".

-Oh, oh, please, tell my fortune.

-Certainly.

You get it in the end, but we haven't figured out which end yet.

-What is all this about?

-Good Lord!

Cross my palm with a £5 note.

You know what it says here, young man?

I'll tell you.

It says you're going to be offered to do a television show

with two of the finest comedians that have ever lived. Don't take it.

They will ruin your career.

Father, throw this interloper out of this house!

-Now, well, I'll have none of that talk.

-Hello, Heathcliff.

You said that without moving your lips.

-That was my daughter, Catherine.

-And you can do it as well.

Hello, Heathcliff!

Don't stand out in the yard. Come into the workshop.

-Oh, Heathcliff! You are all man.

-I can't help it.

-Let me run my fingers through your black gypsy locks.

-Certainly!

Help yourself!

Keep it as a tea cosy.

Every time you pour one, think of me - Heathcliff.

-I want you to be happy here.

-I'm sure I will.

-I shall treat you as my own son.

-Of course.

-Put those spoons back.

-Sorry, Dad.

-Father, I am your only son.

And I will not be thwarted of my rightful inheritance

by that gypsy vagabond there.

Hold on. I nearly forgot. Hold on.

-Heathcliff cares nothing for worldly goods.

-That's true.

-Who wants worldly goods?

-He's just a simple gypsy youth.

Nobody more simple than I am. I can tell you that.

All he wants to do is bring some gypsy sunshine into our lives.

Gypsy sunshine into our lives. That is all I want to do. Gypsy sunshine.

Carry that for me, will you?

LAUGHTER

Between 1965 and 1967, Morecambe and Wise made three feature films.

None are now regarded as classics, but they were very popular.

The first of them, The Intelligence Men, co-starred their next guest, William Franklyn.

I don't know about you, but I'm off.

Oh, no you're not. You're both going to keep your eyes on Petrovna.

On the other side of the stage.

-Right.

-No, not across the stage, go behind the scenery.

Behind the scenery, not across the stage! Idiot! Idiot!

The killer is definitely still here.

-You cover the auditorium, I'll watch in the wings.

-Righto.

At the time of this sketch,

he was better known as the voice of a tonic water commercial.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-"Sh! You know who."

You... You got my message?

No.

I understand somebody needs the help of the three brave musketeers.

I think it's acting.

-You're not sure though, are you?

-No.

We think it's acting, but we're not sure.

The Queen has had an indiscretion.

That nine months went very quickly.

The Queen is here?!

-What's that?

-I think it's tension.

Do it to me, will you?

I'm sure you're both anxious to meet Her Majesty.

No.

-Good, then follow me.

-Certainly!

Over here!

Your Majesty, the Three Musketeers at your service.

-Your Majesty!

-Mrs King.

Please be seated.

I understand that Your Majesty has a problem what only us Musketeers can solve.

-I am in love with the Duke of Buckingham.

-Sacre bleu!

-The Duke of Buckingham?!

He's a married man with 15 children and a walking stick!

Does your husband, the King, know about this?

If the evil Cardinal Richelieu has his way,

the King will know soon enough, and who's got his hand on my knee?

Sorry about that.

-That scoundrel Riche-o-lo!

-The problem is this.

Some time ago the King gave Her Majesty 12 diamonds as a present.

-Before the Duke of Buckingham left for England...

-Yes?

..I gave him a token of my love.

I bet he slept well on the boat.

With the ladies, Eric and Ernie couldn't help but flirt,

but when it came to their male guests, they went in for a sort of verbal duelling.

It was all jousting one-upmanship and thrusting double entendres.

-And there's a bit of a storm brewing up.

-I've got a dinghy.

Haven't we all?

-Mine will hold three.

-Amazing!

-Your Majesty, how did you get into the castle?

-Ah. I entered by the goose gate.

You took a chance.

Ah, but I am sorely grieved.

I'm not surprised.

Has your equipment arrived?

My equipment arrived when I was 18.

Igor, tonight I'm about to fill one of my lifelong ambitions.

You dirty devil!

Now, I think you know the position.

I know them all. I've read the book.

That wasn't what the Colonel meant!

Oh.

It's happened. An uprising.

Congratulations.

15 men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a...

-See? I knew. His bottle's gone.

-Yes.

-I knew it. You can tell.

-I've done all manner of dreadful things.

-Oh, I don't know.

I saw you last series, it was OK.

-Wha...Wha?

-Do you know what I did once?

-Only once?

I'm at that age now.

-Excuse me Your Majesty.

-That's all right.

-I didn't mean to interrupt...

-Not all.

-But there's a wee man downstairs with a funny face.

Well, go and tell him you got one.

I'm sorry I'm late, I've just been going round the Trossachs.

In that hat?

No, no. In these plus fours.

I didn't come alone.

I brought my driver with me.

I see. What's that brass knocker doing in your hand?

-It's freezing outside.

-I asked for that, didn't I?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

-Mr Wise.

-I don't know that one, but I know "Mr Woo."

# Oh, Mr Woo What shall...? #

-Mr Wise, I'm going.

-Please, please Mr...

-Let him go.

-Well...

-Let him go do another one of those say-goes.

-Sagas.

-Sagas, then.

I saw the lot. 26 episodes, and not a laugh in it.

-Who wrote that rubbish!

-Galsworthy.

Just watch it, that's all!

Getting nominated for a major acting award

meant you were now worthy of a role in one of Ern's plays.

And possibly you needed bringing down a peg or two.

Following his 1973 BAFTA nomination for Dennis Potter's Casanova,

Frank Finlay took the lead in Ernie's clearly superior version.

-Order something, will you?

-Yes, I will. That's a good idea.

Serving wench!

-I would like three tankards of mead. Are you hungry?

-Yes.

Three tankards of mead and a poached swan on toast.

And be... CHUCKLING: Be careful where you put the feathers.

-And don't be too long, you exciting woman.

-Men!

ERNIE CHUCKLES

She didn't appear to be smitten with your technique, Mr Casanova.

Oh, believe me, underneath that cold exterior,

her womanliness was boiling and bubbling with a fervour

that most men would not be able to keep up with.

-ERIC LAUGHS You mean she's a raver?

-Oh, mustard.

-Mustard, you say?

-Yes, mustard.

-Tell me... Tell me, Mr Casanova...

-Call me Giacomo.

I'd rather call you Casanova, I can't say Giacomo.

Tell me, Mr Jackanory...

-Is this your first visit to London?

-Oh, it is indeed.

-What do you think of the British climate?

-I found it very close last night.

You're lucky. I was out - nothing.

-Mr Jackanory...

-Yes?

-What brings you to London?

-I'll be perfectly frank with you.

-Yes?

I have a long felt want.

There's no answer to that, is there?

-Sir!

-Ah! Has Frankie Vaughan come back for his stick?

-Yes?

-Tell me, when do you intend to perpetrate this lascivious deed

-upon the sweet and innocent honour?

-This very night.

I would like to draw attention to the fact that she's had a vicarage upbringing.

-That is true, a vicarage upbringing.

-Her father was the vicar of St Bernard's.

That's true, you can't miss him.

Always had the collection box hanging around his neck.

-Are you finished?

-Go away, please.

That woman, get her out.

Hello.

-HIGH-PITCHED SOUND EFFECT

-Kiss me!

-Of course, my dear.

-Now, wait a minute...

THEY GIGGLE

Hey, hey - what do you think of it up to now? "Rubbish!"

That question would be asked of any inanimate object with a mouth.

What do you think of it so far? "Rubbish!"

"Rubbish!"

"Rubbish!" "Rubbish!"

"Rubbish!"

What do you think of it so far? "Rubbish!"

Dumb insolence is a military term for showing disrespect for authority.

Eric and Ern were great at it.

Am I to understand, Sir, that you're calling for two volunteers

-to go on this very dangerous mission?

-That's about the size of it.

We won't go into that now, sir.

We'll need plenty of supplies.

Any minute now I'm expecting a 25-pounder.

I thought you'd gone a funny colour.

PHONE RINGS

Captain here. What?!

Captain Here-what? That's a strange name.

Knee trembler.

That's very kind of you, sir, but can I get my goggles off first?

Gentleman, I've got some wonderful news for you.

Des O'Connor has got a sore throat?!

No.

The Red Baron has been sighted and is about to attack the airfield.

Don't panic!

Right, right! Listen to me!

-Right.

-You check the aircraft ammunition

and I'll check your figures.

Sauce-box!

I'll go and service the camel.

There's no answer to that.

Darcy? You're a fool.

Will you still call me a fool when I tell you about my plan of escape?

What is your plan of escape?

Read that.

Bermont's.

"To the guard at the gate."

"The three men what have got this note..."

It's good, isn't it?

"..are very good friends of mine

"and are to be allowed out through the main gate.

"Signed, Adolf Hitler, boss of Germany."

Be honest - what do you think? Be honest.

-You wrote this note?

-Who else?

-Darcy...

-Sir?

-This note would never fool the Germans.

Of course not. Hitler would never write a note in pencil.

And secondly, Darcy, Hitler would never use notepaper headed

"J Bolshore and Sons, plumbers and decorators, Stockport."

-He's trying to say something.

-ERNIE MUTTERS

What's he saying?

He says you're stood on his hand.

Cut it out! This is my scene!

ERNIE GROANS

-He's badly hurt.

-Yes. The bullet will have to come out.

-Yes.

-He's seriously wounded.

-I'll have to take his trousers off.

-He's been hit in the shoulder.

-We need the laughs.

ERNIE WHIMPERS

Aaaaa-ee!

He's gone!

Somebody clapped!

Ignore it. It's your wife.

Colonel, we are about to be attacked at any moment!

And 15 of my men are up at the front.

It's a curry. It affects me the same way, I must be honest.

God, the heat!

But surely some Indian soldiers have remained loyal to the Crown?

-They've got no option. It's the only pub around here, isn't it?

-Yes.

Fourpence ha'penny a pint... Hey!

We'll be up against it this night.

I'm all for that! PLAYS GLISSANDO ON UKELELE

-The situation is fraught.

-Dashed tricky.

How do you fellows see it?

Very rarely, these days.

-How about you?

-I've never seen it.

-He's only little.

-Now, Darson. Darcy.

-You were close.

-Darcy...

-Yes, sir.

Listen, Darcy, listen to me very carefully.

I am, I am. Believe me, I am.

-Captain Hammond.

-Sir!

VC, DSO, MM, DMC and bar.

-Captain Hammond and I have a plan of escape.

-Escape!

For the past... For the past two weeks

-we have been... We have been doing...

-Yes?

-..this.

-What?

Oh, I like it! I like it! I knew a fellow once. He had a nasty habit.

All day long he'd do that.

-All day long. Eventually broke his neck.

-What...

What the Major's trying to say is that we have been digging a tunnel.

-A tunnel!

-Shut up, you fool!

-Sh!

Oscar winner Sir John Mills was a coup.

As was booking these two stars.

APPLAUSE

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's me, Guv'nor.

APPLAUSE

-Having breakfast?

-Nah, I'm not having my breakfast, Sergeant. I'm having my lunch.

That was my breakfast.

-You fancy a bite to eat?

-Yeah.

-Help yourself.

-Thank you very much, I thought you'd never ask.

-I'd like to tell you, I've got those two volunteers outside.

-Good.

The success of the whole war depends on this false information getting into enemy hands.

Do they fit the bill?

-They're expendable, if that's what you mean.

-That's exactly what I mean.

Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?

-Well, I haven't actually...

-Do they know they won't come back alive?

Look, Guv'nor , I've got these two volunteers, haven't I?

Oh, well. They say there's one in every regiment.

There is two in ours.

-Let's have them in.

-All right, you two. At the double.

Come on! Left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left!

APPLAUSE

-Sir!

-Yes, well...

-You both know why you're here.

-Oh, yes.

There's a job to be done and it isn't much fun.

DELIVERED AS LIMERICK: As Lord Kitchener said to the sentry

For tattooed on his chest Through a hole in his vest

Was a sign saying "Caution, no entry."

I apologise, Sir. We took the King's shilling and we're ready and willing.

DELIVERED AS LIMERICK: As Jericho said to the Kaiser

-It's a dangerous job...

-You'll be paid 30 bob...

-Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.

Sir! I must say it's a great pleasure to be serving under an officer

who is as brave as what you are, sir.

And I like you best in The Sweeney, as well.

-All right, that's enough.

-You're OK with me, chum.

-All right!

Now, you know what you got to do.

Oh, yes. Now, if you tell us where the piano is, we'll move it.

-Piano?

-Piano, sir.

-Piano, sir.

-We volunteered to move the piano.

We volunteered to move the piano.

The piano that these gentlemen have kindly volunteered to move.

Oh, the piano! Yes.

-Yes, the piano.

-The piano. And what else, as well?

Well, first they've got to take the communique, haven't they?

First, you got to take the communique in order to get permission to move the piano.

-Ah! Take the communique.

-Then the piano.

-First take the communique.

-This is a map.

-Are you sure?

-You will make your way along here.

-Doing that on your own?

-Yes.

-Now, listen.

-I am.

-To this hill here.

-Circumnavigating it, as the enemy have occupied the summit.

-The summit there.

Then you'll go down through this gully, up here,

-over this small knoll.

-Yeah.

And your destination is this hillock, here.

-Ah!

-I'm sure, Sir, there must be another way of looking at this.

-That's true.

-I mean, let's face it. What do you think?

Is it...?

APPLAUSE

Who's come on? Is it...?

Is it possible to volunteer for something dangerous around Harris?

Mother!

I can't believe it! May I say, Sir...

Big Bertha!

Have I seen you in the back of a car?

Inside this envelope...

..Is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year,

which I will read out in reverse order.

Porter, Dawn, Nyree!

-Synchronise your watches.

-Right.

-Quarter to six.

-Quarter to six.

-Quarter to six.

Ten past 11.

-Ten past 11?

-Ten past 11.

-Ten past 11.

Quarter to six.

-On yer bike!

-Certainly, sir.

Come on! left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right!

Hold up! Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.

-Likes him the best.

-I like him the best in the Sweeney.

-Are you still there?

Well, I'll away then. It's been a great pleasure working with you, I don't care what the others say.

I've always admired you. Been a nice fella.

HE CLEARS THROAT

HE CHUCKLES

SNAP!

Got a great gag for you later on. "Rubbish!" You could have waited.

We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis. Never done it.

APPLAUSE

The Sweeney and Morecambe and Wise had a lot in common.

Rule breakers, mavericks, short, fat, hairy legs.

After John Thaw and Dennis Waterman got the inevitable call in 1976,

they asked Eric and Ernie to return the compliment and appear in their show.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Who's there?

-Police!

-Police who?

-"Please come in!"

THEY CHUCKLE

Hello, how are you? I'm Eric. Come in and lie down. This is Ernie.

-He's with Interpol.

-Yes, how do you do?

-I'm Detective Inspector Regan.

-Oh, yes.

-This is my colleague...

Colombo, I've seen him. Gets a headache in the films, walks about like that.

-Detective Sergeant Col... Erm, Carter.

-Ah.

-We're from Scotland Yard.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

-I won't...

I won't take up any more time than is necessary.

You're leaving, are you? It's been a pleasure!

When they turned up on set, Eric and Ernie found they had huge Winnebagos,

which was more than John and Dennis ever did.

Eric was having none of that.

"You can't expect us to have a bloody big caravan each," he said,

"when the two stars are getting made up in a toilet round the back!"

John and Dennis got their Winnebagos, and we got this.

-Send zem in!

-Trier be fier!

APPLAUSE

-Achtung!

-Volkswagen!

Sorry about your arm.

-Zo...

-Oh!

Zo!

Ze British pigs!

-That's not nice!

-Quiet!

That's better.

Have you got a brother on our side?

-Oh! I tell you what, Ern.

-What?

-You'll enjoy this.

-Will I?

It's fun, fun, fun!

-Quiet!

-He is known as Hanz Everywhere.

Now, my little Englander...

-Mein Hair!

-It's not slipped again, has it?

BOTH: QUIET!

-We have some plans for you, gentlemen.

-Oh, lovely!

-We have two methods of extracting information...

-Yes?

Which I shall call "one" und "two".

Ah, very good, Sir. "One" and "two". I'll try and remember that.

Have either of you got a coin?

-Coin?

-Have we got a coin?

-I'll have a look in my wallet, Sir.

-You're very privileged to see this.

-Jawohl?

It's usually kept in ja vault, yes.

DIAL CLICKS

By the time he gets in, you know, the pound's gone down again.

CREAKING

That was just his thumb.

Just! HE CHUCKLES

No. No coins, sir. No coins.

-Zo... Zo...

-It's the zo show!

-You...

-Uh-huh, I've got one, two.

You vill be taken from here.

-Taken from here.

-And have your pound notes pulled out vun by vun.

Fun! ERNIE WHIMPERS

Oh, please not that. Please, Mr German. Have mercy on me!

I'm only little.

I was always good to my mother.

I never went home.

And they were cruel to me at school. That beefy Miller.

She was vicious with me.

I'm only little, and I want me mam!

Hey, you're right, it's good! Oh, boy oh, boy!

Doesn't half help your loose change.

Well...

AS BENNIE THE BALL FROM TOP CAT: "Whatcha gonna do now, TC?"

-And now, for you.

-For me.

-Viz you, ve vill try method number two.

-Oh!

You are going to experience ze beautiful Mata Hari.

-Any of this business?

-No.

-Just the laughs.

-Don't go there!

-No, I won't.

I like you best in Ze Sveeney.

Ze Sveeney.

SNAP!

APPLAUSE

HE SHOUTS GARBLED ORDER

That's where we have to leave Eric and Ern and their extraordinary line-up of leading men,

including the most important one of all -

the third man, who rarely share the limelight. Eddie Braben.

Eddie knew that to work, Ern's plays had to make the guests look foolish,

but not as foolish as Eric and Ernie.

Whether it was their famous stinginess,

Eric's childish clowning or Ernie's pompous self-regard,

the joke was on them, and we, the audience, knew it.

It looked and felt like anarchy, but it was perfectly judged

and delivered with incredible skill.

That skill was Eric and Ernie's, honed over years,

but Eddie Braben was the man who understood how to make it sing.

Good night.

SONG: "You May Just Be The One" by The Monkees

# All men must have someone Have someone

# Who would never take advantage Of a love bright as the sun... #

ALL: AY!

ALL: Hmmmm?

# Someone to understand them And you just may be the one

# All men must have someone Have someone

# Who would never take for granted All the pleasures and the fun

# Someone to stand beside them And you just may be the one

# Someone to understand them

# And you just may be the one. #