The Sketches Morecambe & Wise In Pieces

-DRAMATIC, SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Good evening...

and welcome...

to Tales Of Mystery.

And tonight,

we have...

a mysterious tale.

Hello and welcome to this salute to the comedy of Morecambe and Wise.

Tonight, it's the sketches,

those three-minute bursts of controlled chaos

that peppered their shows.

ERIC WHISTLES

I don't seem to be able to find where to put it!

-It's upside down.

-Oh.

You've heard of sage and onions?

No.

Well, you will.

But onions make my eyes run, you know that!

That's nothing.

Sometimes, they use hot chestnuts.

ERIC SCREAMS

Go and get another two buckets of cement.

-No.

-What do you mean no?

-You heard what I said!

-And you heard what I said!

-No, I said.

I'm not getting any more buckets of cement!

I've worked on this job for... for two years now,

and the only thing I've carried is buckets of cement.

I'm not carrying any more buckets of cement - you've had it.

What brought this on?

I'm off.

Aren't you going to feed your little chappie?

He'll tell me when he's ready.

He'll tell you when he's ready?

Oh, I forgot, yes. Four months old.

Could be a genius. Yeah.

Would you like some food, sunshine?

I'll say I would, Dad. I'm famished.

Morecambe and Wise started out in 1941,

and by 1949,

they had just 12 minutes of material.

They toured those 12 minutes relentlessly on the variety circuit,

slowly edging up the bill as they honed and refined the act.

These boys had something

and audiences loved them.

By the '50s, they'd made the leap into radio,

reaching a mass audience for the first time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise

spend the next 30 minutes reminding you that You're Only Young Once.

ERNIE: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Since radio was first invented,

a great deal of water has flowed under the bridge

and out of all that water, here is just one small drip -

Mr Eric Morecambe.

Thank you, thank you very much.

In 1954, they were offered the big one -

their own television show.

It was called Running Wild

and it was an absolute disaster.

One critic famously defined a television set as,

"The box in which they buried Morecambe and Wise."

Ooh...

But in 1961,

they gave it another go.

And this time, it worked.

And for my final question, Mr Morecambe,

tell me - do you ever suffer from improper thoughts?

No, no.

Ha! I rather enjoy them!

Yes.

Morecambe and Wise had arrived

and their format was the sketch show.

We've noticed lately, the Five O'Clock Club

is very popular with the children -

particularly, the hand puppets. So I thought tonight,

we would present the Morecambe and Wise puppet theatre.

I actually made these puppets myself

and I found it terribly interesting.

I think we're going to have quite a lot of fun with this.

-We're doing the hand puppets.

-Eh?

-We're doing the hand puppets.

-What?

-I don't know any hand puppets...

-Oh, shut up! Don't give me any arguments.

-What are you talking about?

-Shut up!

-What am I supposed to do?

Hello, everybody!

My name is Otty Owl.

And I'm Dimply Dog!

And I'm Furry Fred!

And I'm Clarry Clown! Hello, folks! Nice to meet you!

And I'm Pick-a-lic!

Hello, Otty Owl.

Hello.

Hello, Furry Fred.

Hello.

Hello, Pic-a-lic.

Hello.

My God...

Good Lord!

Eh?

Marvellous that, wasn't it?

But sketches need writers,

so Eric and Ernie teamed up with Sid Hills and Dick Green,

one of the top writing teams of the day.

They'd written for the likes of Sid James,

Bruce Forsyth and Charlie Drake.

Eric and Ernie seemed to be in good hands.

But the boys felt they wrote too many characters into their sketches.

They were happier playing off each other.

Sid and Dick didn't want anything to change.

Before things came to a head though,

fate intervened.

The actors' union, Equity, called a strike.

As members of the Variety Artists Federation,

Eric and Ernie could still appear

and, better still, play all the parts themselves.

And if there were any guest characters,

well, Sid and Dick could always put on a bit of slap.

ERNIE CHUCKLES

Lay your first card down.

Have you got this one?

-Have you only got one card?

-I've only got that one.

Look, take three and lay one.

That's going to be difficult, isn't it?

You know...

THEY LAUGH Oh, dear, Oh, dear!

THEY LAUGH Oh, no!

-Carlotta.

-Carlotta.

-Carlotta.

That's my ace against your two, three against the king...

-That's £3 he owes me.

-Four he owes me.

Yes, yes. Two more he owes me there.

Just a minute...

And there's a nine set against the double trombone...

Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute, what's going on?

I laid a card, all of a sudden, it's a square dance!

There's Sid up the middle and Dick up the centre...

and all promenade with my £12.10.

You're lucky you didn't lose more.

-Oh.

-Well, Sid made a mistake there.

-You should have never laid that two, Sid, it's ridiculous.

-Oh, yeah.

-See?

-A big waste of time.

-Told you you were a nit, you're a nit.

Why is he a nit? He's got all my money! Why is he a nit?

Well, it's obvious. Look at that - ace, king, ten.

-Or two tens.

-And three five tens.

And my £12.10.

-Gone!

-Lay another card down.

Yeah, well... Can't somebody else lay a card?

-Then I can get in on the grabbing.

-Why not? We gave you the bank, didn't we?

-But I want to get in on the grubbing.

-All right. Dick, would you lay a card down?

All right, I don't know why I should, but...

ERNIE AND SID: Good card, Dick!

-Oh, yes...

-Good card.

Good card.

Very nice, Sid.

Nice card, Sid.

-Didn't expect that queen.

-Oh.

-Oh!

-Oh, crafty!

-Crafty, crafty.

-I've not seen that before.

-Yes.

-It's me now, isn't it?

-Yes.

Thought it might be.

-Carlotta.

-Carlotta.

-Carlotta.

There you are, that's the king, that's the three,

he owes me £2...

'That sketch shows the distinct characters

'Sid and Dick had created for the boys.

'Eric the fool and Ernie the smart one,

'putting one over on him.'

This put Ernie in the classic straight man role,

meaning he often had very little to do.

COWBOYS AND INDIANS SHOOT AND WHOOP

It was a good film that, wasn't it?

Are you coming, Ted?

Yes, love.

In 1968, the boys left ATV

and went back to the BBC.

At the time, BBC Two was the only channel broadcasting in colour

and that clinched the deal.

The new show had a new title -

The Morecambe and Wise Show -

but the same writers, Sid and Dick.

Sadly, the first series has been lost -

apart from a single episode, which, ironically,

has only survived in black-and-white.

TV SET PLAYS TITLE THEME

I'm ready. How about a game of shadow graphs, eh? Boys?

Shadow graphs?

You know, where you make the things with your hands on the wall?

And behind a sheet, and all that.

Boys?

Shadow graphs?

TV MUSIC STOPS

Oh, what's happened to it?

Has it gone again?

It's always going, that flaming thing.

-Terrible thing, that.

-What are we going to do now?

What?

-Home movies?

-No.

I'm not going to watch home movies -

you're the only one who's ever in them. Drives you mad.

-Well, it's my home.

-Pfft.

-No, I thought - shadow graphs.

-Shadow graphs?

Yeah, you know? Where you make animals and things with your hands.

It's educational and all that. You see, like an elephant?

-That's an elephant.

-That's an elephant?

-Oh, yes.

And where's its tail?

You... You don't do the back part.

You only do the head.

-Well, where's its ears, then?

-Well, I can't do it all, can I?

I've only got eight or nine fingers, how can I do it all?

Look, I'll show you.

All you've got to do is, you get your little finger round there like that.

You put that finger round there and then

you've got to fetch this finger out like that to do the trunk...

ERIC SCREAMS

That was perfect, that was just like an elephant!

Recently, however, another copy came to light.

It contained enough technical information

to allow us to restore it to its original glory.

Here then, from 1968,

are Eric and Ernie with Sid and Dick,

in full colour -

well, mainly brown.

Vulture sweeping down on a pack of wolves.

How many wolves are you going to do?

How many do you flaming want?

305.

It'll be close.

I bet it barks.

Woof, woof!

Woof!

Woof!

Fido the barking vulture.

Look at him, he's going... He's gone berserk.

What do you think of that?

Well, where were the wolves?

The vulture frightened them off!

It's true!

On 7th November, 1968, disaster struck.

Driving back to his hotel from a live show near Leeds,

Eric Morecambe had a serious heart attack.

He was only 42.

It was a turning point in their career.

No-one knew whether the act would be able to continue.

So with an eye on future employment,

Sid and Dick left the show

and returned to ITV.

There was no contract between Eric and Ernie -

there never was.

But they didn't need one.

Ernie stood by his partner.

In the six months before Eric could return to work,

Ernie - that legendary skinflint -

put half of anything he earned

straight into Eric's bank account.

The BBC also stayed loyal

and when Eric returned to work,

Head of Variety, Bill Cotton,

brought on a new writer -

Eddie Braben.

It was to prove an inspired move.

This is Eric's first appearance, following his heart attack.

The joke was an old one,

but Eric really meant it.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Thank you! Lovely.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Keep going, you fool. What?

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Got no nerves, you know.

Welcome to the show. First of all, let me say how happy we are to be appearing once again on television.

-That's true, it really is true. I was wondering if, in this particular series...

-Yes?

-..I could get to kiss one of the girls?

-Er, certainly not.

-Oh?

-If you remember, you kissed the girl in the last show, didn't you?

-Yes.

-And look what happened to you.

-That's true.

Morecambe and Wise were back,

and things were different now.

For one thing, Eddie Braben had no taste for the limelight,

unlike Sid and Dick.

Here he is, making a rare appearance.

ALL WHISTLE

'At the back, saying nothing.

'Just where the writer should be.'

The real difference Eddie made

was to Eric and Ernie's characters.

Out went the simple straight man-funny man divide.

Eric's fool became smart, cheeky and wily as a fox.

And Ernie was now the naive one.

The switch worked brilliantly.

-That's a very nice set.

-Oh, you like it, sir?

-Yes, very smart.

-It is, isn't it?

-Like the colour, too.

-Beautiful.

-Is it a good picture?

Excellent. One of the finest in the shop. I must be honest, though.

-Nice and compact, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, yes.

How much is it?

-£60, sir.

-£60?

-Yes, very expensive but well worth it.

-Yes, sure.

-Anyway, it's the last one in the shop.

-Is it?

Oh, they've been going like hot cakes.

-Er, well, then in that case, I'll take it.

-Oh, really?

-Yes, I'll pay for it now.

-That's very kind, sir.

-There's my card.

-Would you have it delivered round to my house, please?

-Yes, sir.

-This afternoon.

-Yes, this afternoon, that's fine.

-BOTH:

-10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-You're very welcome.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

Sorry to have kept you waiting. Can I help you, sir?

Yes, how much is this set?

-£60, sir.

-I'll take it.

Eddie Braben said Eric and Ernie

were closer than any brothers he'd ever known.

He tapped right into that relationship -

its warmth and vulnerability -

and used it, to give their characters depth.

Sometimes their closeness was the joke.

Sit down, gentlemen.

Now then. Which of you is which?

-BOTH:

-I'm Eric Morecambe and this is Ernie Wise.

I'm sorry?

-BOTH:

-I'm Eric Morecambe and this is Ernie Wise.

Er, one at a time, please.

-BOTH:

-Sorry.

You're Mr Morecambe and you are Mr Wise?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

Do you always both speak at the same time and say the same things?

-BOTH:

-Pardon?

I said, do you always both speak at the same time

and say the same things?

-BOTH:

-That's why we've come to see you, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

How long have you been working together?

-BOTH:

-Oh... I would say about, er...

THEY COUGH

-BOTH:

-Excuse me.

-BOTH:

-Ever since we were young lads.

As long as that?

Yes.

My first thoughts are that you've been working so closely together,

for so long, that it would appear that both of you

are thinking and saying the same things.

-BOTH:

-That's about the size of it.

And we also know what other people are going to say.

-ALL:

-Really?

I've never come across anything so unusual

in all my experience.

-BOTH:

-See what we mean?

-ALL:

-Well, upon my soul!

This really is most unusual.

How long has this been going on?

-BOTH:

-Oh...about six weeks,

give or take a day or two.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-ALL:

-Come in.

-ALL:

-I'm sorry to disturb you,

you have a luncheon appointment in ten minutes.

-ALL:

-Thank you, Miss Potter, I hadn't forgotten.

-ALL:

-May I go for lunch now, sir?

-ALL:

-By all means.

Thank you.

Ow!

That closeness was hard-won.

The result of years taking risks in front of live audiences.

They would rehearse their TV shows relentlessly.

But that ability to ad-lib a gag from the smallest mistake

never left them.

-You look a sight!

-Shut up.

-Take it off!

-I can't.

-You can't?

-No.

-Why not?

Ah, well.

He might be looking in.

"He"?

Who's "he"? Who's "he"?

Well, he's the fella that asked me

if I would advertise his wigs on the BBC television.

You can't advertise on the B...

-Mffph!

-You fool! Shut up!

You see, the camera's coming in closer...

Good evening! Ha-ha...

Listen, nobody can advertise on the BBC.

Even Lord Hill can't say what kind of pipe tobacco he smokes.

And no wonder - it's mine!

It is known along the powers of corridor...

Corridors of power?

-Corridors of power...

-LAUGHTER

-Ah, but don't forget, he walks backwards.

-Yes, he does.

That was quick. That was quick.

Eddie Braben understood that the show was all about its two stars,

so the sketches were never crowded.

When they did need a third,

they turned to Ann Hamilton,

who had worked with them for years and was the perfect foil -

understated, genteel and innocent.

-Madam.

-Good morning.

A lot of people have said that today, so it must be true. Can I help you?

-Well, I do hope so, because I am in rather a mess.

-You're in a mess?

-Yes.

-Well, you've come to the right man. What's the trouble?

I was driving about 100 yards down the road from here when I lost my...

HONK

-I beg your pardon?

-I lost my...

HONK

-That's most unusual.

-Well, if you could replace my...

HONK

I'd be most grateful, because without my...

BEEP

I won't will be able to visit my husband, who is in hospital.

You see, he had an operation this morning and they removed his...

BEEP, HONK

Just something to say thank you for the countless hours

-that we've spent in bliss.

-Oh, yes, yes.

I know, what about this?

How about this hand-painted Chinese plate?

I've got one.

You've got one.

Solid gold snuff box?

I've got one.

A, er, small bust?

Use your eyes.

-What did you have in mind, sir?

-Well, in the window there...

-Yes?

-..you have, on a velvet pad...

-Yes?

..a most beautiful diamond ring, I think it's priced at £3,500.

Oh, yes. That's a very beautiful stone, sir.

She's a very beautiful woman.

She only deserves the best.

Would you like me to take it out, so you can have a good look at it?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Well, there's not many people in the shop. How do you feel about that?

-Then you can help me?

-Certainly, madam.

You have a choice of two here. Now, which one would you like?

Well, do you know the difference between...

-HONK

-..and...

HONK HONK What is the difference?

HONK

It's just something to say thank you.

for the countless hours of bliss

-that Googie and I have spent together.

-Yes.

It's rather difficult, sir. Let me think, now...

-I keep my knick-knacks in a glass case.

-I told you...

The shop was the perfect setting for a Morecambe and Wise sketch.

It was the spiritual home of the pompous, bourgeois Englishman -

Ernie - and of course, his nemesis,

the awkward customer - Eric.

Excuse me?

-I'm sorry to trouble you.

-No trouble at all, sir.

-Thank you very much. Good day.

-Good day.

Forgot what I came in for!

-Is that all right?

-That's all right, sir.

-Thank you.

-Not at all.

-Good day.

-Good day.

You want one of these calculators for your job?

British High Commissioner to the Bahamas.

-British High Commissioner for the Bahamas?

-Yes.

That's a very high position, sir.

Well, it would have been, if I'd have got the job.

-You didn't get it?

-No, I'm a plumber's mate.

-Plumber's mate?

-Oh, yes.

And why do you want the calculator, sir?

For my wife - when she goes shopping, you see.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

May I say, supermarkets?

If you want.

Supermarkets!

Good for you!

-Records.

-Records?

-That's it! A record.

-Yes.

I've come for a record, but I've forgotten the title.

-We close in five minutes.

-No, it's not that.

Can I help you?

Yes, please. Yes. I'd, er...

-I'd like to buy a pair of binoculars.

-Yes?

But I'd like the most powerful pair that you have,

because I'm doing a bit of bird-watching

and she's only small.

What a pedestrian joke.

Well, sir, these are the most powerful binoculars

we have in the shop.

-Oh, they're big, aren't they?

-Hm.

-Wonderful, yes.

-Very powerful.

-Could I try them? I don't want to go outside.

-No, no. That's all right.

-If you just go over to the other side of the shop, there...

-Yes?

..look through those binoculars at, er... this pin.

Yes.

-A pin?

-Yes.

I can't... I can't see a pin.

That's what I'm trying to tell you, sir.

If you go to the other side of the shop,

look through the binoculars, you'll see it quite clearly.

Oh.

Look...

a mynah bird.

Who's a pretty little boy, then?

Can I help you?

Did you hear that, then?

"Can I help you?"

Who's a pretty little Dickie Bird?

Can I be of any assistance?

"Can I be of any assistance?"

That is fantastic, that!

-Sir!

-"Sir"?

You've no need to call me "Sir", you can call me Eric.

Can I help you, Eric?

Did you hear that, then? Did you hear that?

-Is this one, here?

-Yes, these are calculators, all of these.

-Have a look at them, sir.

-Very kind.

-And you can do something with them, if you like.

-Yes. Pardon?

-Do something with them.

-Yes. You made that up as you went along, I think.

-Yes, I did, yes.

-That's a good idea.

Let's have a look, now. Married...

15 years, I've been married, now.

15 years... 52 weeks in the year.

52...

52 multiplied by 15,

that equals...

780 weeks.

Now multiply 780 by 4...

3,120?

That is amazing.

3,120 what, sir?

It's got nothing to do with you, that.

-They are powerful.

-Good.

-I saw the pin...

-Yes.

-..it was that big...

-Yes.

-..with a small hand! I saw it!

-Yes...

Fantastic, that.

-That big, little hand!

-Yes, that's true.

-I'll buy those.

-You like them?

-I'll have those.

-Jolly good, sir.

-Jolly good.

-They're the most powerful I've ever seen.

-What's wrong?

-I stuck it in my thumb.

-Eh?

-I stuck it in my thumb - the pin.

-Oh?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-So you'd like these glasses, would you, sir?

-Yes. Are they expensive?

Oh, no. They're quite reasonable. A small deposit will secure.

Ten shillings?

-Ten shillings?

-Or 50 pence, as the saying goes?

-All right.

There we are.

And if the boys had a well-known guest star on the show -

which was fairly often -

they'd stick them in the sketch as well.

Well, it's most embarrassing for me to say this, but...

Poor man...

He's a toucher.

Pardon?

He's a toucher.

He touches ladies, he goes...

like that.

-Nasty habit, doing that.

-Oh!

He goes to parties, you see, and... when he sees a beautiful girl,

he doesn't go up and say, "Hello, how are you?" He goes...

-Touches them.

-I see.

-Oh, now that is beautiful.

-Oh, it's beautiful.

That is a gorgeous piece of craftsmanship.

Only a true musician would recognise that, sir.

Of course. And such a beautiful polish.

-Lacquered.

-Yeah, so am I. It's all go, isn't it?

-And you, my lord - a little snort?

-Oh, God.

A little drop of the falling down water?

Oh, just a little, please.

-That's plenty.

-That's all you're going to get.

After all...

it is the '83.

'83?

83 bottles for 15 and 9, that's right.

We've got a very special one over there.

-I've had that for five years, that's...

-Oh, yes?

-..Nobilianam secundrum.

-Nobilianam secundrum?

-Oh, that's absolutely lovely.

-Yes.

-What's so different about that?

-Well, that thrives on being sprayed.

Oh, you like to spray them?

Yes, but never in daylight.

Of course, never in daylight.

I do assure you that I am a proper actress.

-I understand, it's...

-No, but I can prove that I'm a...

-You don't have to prove anything...

-John!

John!

-Is she calling for the manager?

-Is she?

Oh, my darling, I love you.

You will never know just how much I really love you.

It simmers deep in my bosom,

like a volcano waiting to erupt into a fury of fire.

Oh, my darling!

My love for you wells up within me,

like the very torrents of spring!

Don't leave me!

Please don't leave me!

She's got her hand on your pilchards.

Having a famous co-star in character

changed the dynamic of the sketch, somehow.

But it worked when the guests played themselves

and the higher the brow,

the further they had to fall.

Your name, please.

Professor Wise, the final round, as always, is on General Knowledge.

And you have one minute on General Knowledge questions, starting now.

What is the wheel arrangement of a prairie locomotive?

-2-6-2.

-Correct.

When The Ring was given its first performance

at Covent Garden in 1892, who was the conductor?

-Mahler.

-Correct.

Charles Dobson wrote a famous book -

what is the name of the book and his pen name?

-Alice In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll.

-Correct.

Who wrote Old Meg, She Was A Gypsy?

-Keats.

-Correct.

Noel Coward's play, Still Life, was made into a film under the title...

-Brief Encounter.

-Correct.

Sergeant Troy is a character in a novel...

-Far From The Madding Crowd.

-Correct, by Thomas Hardy.

They do say...

-Edward Heath.

-Correct. In 1954...

-Roger

-Bannister. Correct.

-Under a law dating back to...

-William Pitt.

-Correct.

-It was said of this man...

-Capability Brown.

-Correct!

-BEEP

-And that brings us to the end of your round, Professor Wise

and if we look at the scoreboard, we see that you have scored...

-Maximum ten points.

-Yes.

-I thought I would.

Thank you, Professor Wise.

Um, Mr Morecambe, how big is your reflector?

I don't think I should stay and listen to any more of this drivel.

-What?

-I must away!

-Sit down, sit down.

All that Mr Patrick wants to know is

how big are the lens on your telescope?

Oh! Sorry!

Well, I...

I think that you can both be prepared to sit up

and gasp in amazement, because

I happen to own the ultimate in telescopes -

perfected after years of research.

-Can we see it, please?

-Of course you can.

-Yes.

You just cast your eyes over that.

-"The ultimate in telescopes"?

-Oh, yes.

-This is a very fine piece of equipment.

-Of course it is.

I tell you something, on a clear night, with that,

I can see the bottom of the bed.

And your name, please?

Mr Morecambe, the final round, as with your fellow finalist, is on General Knowledge.

Your General Knowledge questions start now.

Can you finish the following? Little Bo Peep has lost her...

-Cardigan?

-No, it was lost her sheep.

-And what is a cardigan made from, sir?

-Wool.

-And do we get wool from sheep?

-Yes, that's correct.

-Thank you, that's one up for me, please.

-Just a minute...

Please remain seated, Professor Wise.

-He's not allowed to object, is he, sir?

-Correct.

That's another one for me. Put it up.

Wait a minute, he hasn't answered the question right...

Professor Wise, please try to remember where you are.

Now, Mr Morecambe. Here is your next question.

Who won the FA Cup in 1930?

-ERNIE COUGHS

-Arsenal!

-Correct, Arsenal.

Wait a minute, that was an accident!

-That was a flagrant disregard of the rules!

-Professor Wise, please.

As chairman, I am the person who decides whether the rules

have been disregarded or not.

This contest will be conducted in a seemly and a proper manner.

-This isn't a bingo hall, is it, sir?

-Too right.

-Two right, that's five altogether. Put them up.

-Please, I object...

One more outburst, Professor Wise,

and I may be forced to disqualify you.

Before we ask, "Who cares about morals?"

I wonder if you could tell us how you came to join the Salvationists.

Well, in my particular instance,

I went to one of their meetings

and I was accepted straightaway as a person, as a human being,

even though I was down and out and an outcast from society.

When was this?

Yesterday afternoon.

Mr Wise, I wonder if I could ask you just a few questions?

Of course, as long as you treat me with the politeness

due to a man in my position.

I shall certainly do that, Mr Wise.

Now, what would you like to ask me, Mr Day?

Nothing, really, except...

why don't you resign?

Why don't I resign? That's the most ridiculous question I've ever heard.

You are next to an idiot.

How do you do?

You'll go too far, you will. Now watch it.

Mr Wise, you are deliberately trying to be evasive.

If you were a little less bombastic,

we might get somewhere.

With all due respect, Mr Wise -

and that isn't very much -

I must ask you to watch your language.

Not only are you bombastic, you are a little short on good manners, also.

Mr Wise, I am not in the habit of losing my temper,

but I must ask you to be very, very careful.

Now listen. You just listen to me, you may be bigger than me,

but you don't frighten me for one minute.

You know, I can go a bit, so just you watch it, that's all.

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Where do you normally go?

-Stand up!

-Why?

-I'm going to punch you. Stand up!

Now, look, Mr Morecambe.

I think that I must remind you that if you don't know the answer

to a particular question, you must say "pass".

I fully understand. Next question, please.

Are you quite sure that you understand the rule?

Oh, yes. If I don't know the answer, I say "pass".

-Correct.

-That's it. Put another one up.

Wait a minute, what sort of a game do you call this?

Hard questions, you asked me and I gave you proper answers!

Listen, you got a mark every time he said "correct".

I should get a mark every time he says "correct"!

Will you please return to your seat, Professor Wise?

But he's level with me now! He's level with me and he hasn't answered a question correctly!

-But there's still one to go.

-The decider.

Well, let's play by the rules, shall we?

Professor Wise, for the last time, will you please return to your seat?

This is a rotten game.

THEY MOUTH INSULTS

Now, you do understand that if you cannot answer the question,

-you must say "pass"?

-I fully understand.

All right, here's the deciding question

and it's on Geography.

It descends from Landi Kotal,

through Shinwari territory,

to Landi Khana.

It is the most important route from Afghanistan into Pakistan.

It's the Khyber what?

-Pass.

-The Khyber Pass, correct!

Mr Morecambe, you are Mastermind 1974!

Wait a minute, this isn't fair!

This isn't right! Mr McManus, I'll never watch you wrestle again!

Traditionally,

the doctor's surgery is a place where the patient feels awkward

and the doctor comfortable -

unless of course, the patient is Eric and the doctor Ernie.

-Ready, Sir!

-Right!

-Are we ready?

-Yes.

-Good morning, sir.

-Good evening, madam.

Do come in.

If you insist.

-Most unusual.

-Don't worry, nurse.

Us psychiatrists are fully trained - I know how to deal with this.

Go away at once!

Right!

-Don't come near me.

-Yes.

Don't turn around.

Well, I won't.

Just stand where you are.

If you insist.

See what I mean, nurse? Just leave us alone, please.

Most unusual.

-It's a very nice office you have here.

-Do you like it?

No.

Now then, sir, if we could just...

You may smoke if you wish to.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.

I don't allow smoking in my office.

And quite right!

-Light?

-Thank you.

You know...

I've never come across a case of the reversals before.

Ooh!

-What's the matter?

-Headache.

-The trouble with you is that you're suffering from overwork.

-Over what?

Take these tablets three times a day. That'll be £20, please.

I said, that'll be £20, please.

But I've got the reversals.

Oh, terribly sorry, sir.

-Here you are, £20.

-That's very kind.

-That's all right.

-Thank you.

-I'll just show you the way in.

-Goodbye.

Come in.

Sit down.

Now, what's the trouble?

You've what?

You've lost your voice?

When did this happen?

I said, when did this happen?

I think I'd better have a look at your throat.

Lovely day.

Say, "Ah."

Very nasty, very nasty indeed.

-Not many people in.

-No.

Would you mind if I went in first?

Is it serious?

Well, it comes and goes.

Comes and goes?

Yes.

Goodness! How long have you had that?

How long have I had what?

Well, that's odd. Just now, you had a great big nose.

-Was it my nose this time?

-Yeah.

-Ah, well, there you are, you see.

Comes and goes.

That's nasty, that is.

I'll say.

It was my index finger, yesterday.

It was over three feet long.

I think you'd better see the doctor first.

-I can't now, can I?

-Well, why not?

How am I going to get through the door?

In recent years, vampires have become sexy,

alluring, seductive.

This trend was started in 1971, by Eric Morecambe,

as this sketch clearly demonstrates.

-Ah, good evening sir.

-Very pleasant.

-Yes.

-Can I help you?

-I hope so.

I'd like to book a room, please.

-Certainly, sir.

-Oh, I am glad.

Do you know that I've tried every hotel in this town

-and, every time, they've refused me a room?

-Not very hospitable.

Well, I think they get a bit worried with me being a vampire.

You're a what?

-I'm a vampire, yes.

-Oh.

It upsets them. They said the other guests in the hotel

wouldn't be able to sleep,

because I might bite into their necks during the night.

-I see, sir.

-Of course, that's the kind of thing I do...

I see, sir, yes.

..with my fangs.

-Fangs?

-Yes.

These are my fangs, here.

-I bite... I bite into people's necks with them.

-Very impressive, sir.

-Very impressive.

-They are very good, aren't they?

-Yes, yes, sir.

Unfortunately, I do have a nasty habit of biting

into people's necks with them.

Well, it takes all kinds.

Oh, yes.

Not many people see it that way, I must be honest.

It doesn't upset me one bit, sir. You're more than welcome.

Oh, that's very kind. I'd like to go to my room now, please,

because the sun is coming up. I'd like to get to sleep.

The sun?

Yes, well, us vampires, you see,

if we don't get to sleep before the sun comes up, we die.

Oh, well, I'd better get you signed in as quickly as possible.

-That's very kind.

-Name, please?

-Alucard.

Count Alucard.

Alucard?

-That's "Dracula" spelt backwards.

-Oh, I see.

I don't want to have my name, Dracula, on the register because

it might frighten people to death and they'll think I'll want to go...

I see. Yes, yes, yes.

Very clever, sir.

-Would you like me to show you to your room?

-Well, that's...

I must say, you've been most decent about all this.

-Are you sure you don't mind me staying here?

-Not in the least, sir.

-Would you just follow me, please?

-Certainly, yes.

The show always worked best when it went back to the source -

just Eric and Ernie, onstage together.

Look out, the game's started!

Hnnng...

DING

One down, now.

We've started again!

Ooof!

Get it, Arthur! Arthur, get the ball, Arthur! Dive!

DING

Your wife went in there five minutes ago, with another man.

With another man?

-In there?

-I don't want to cause any trouble.

I'll kill him.

-I'll kill him.

-I overheard her say,

"Leave your boots in the hall and I'll slip into my negligee."

"Leave your boots in the hall"?

"And I'll slip into my negligee."

That's what she said.

That's the biggest mistake he's made, isn't it?

Right.

Fancy a quick pint?

Get your Morny Stannit!

Morny Stannit!

Morning Standard.

Morny Stannit!

Morning...Standard.

Morny...Stannit?

Morning...

Morning...

..Stan-dard.

..Stannit.

Stan-dard.

Stan-dard.

Mor-ning Stan-dard.

Mor-ning Stan-dard!

Get your Morning Standard!

Thank you.

Morning Standard!

Get your Morning Standard!

Eric and Ernie's sketches could run as much as

seven or eight minutes, but occasionally,

they would throw in what are known in the trade as "quickies".

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Would you?

-No.

-Well, what are you trying to push her off onto me for?

Have I missed much?

-Morecambe's in tremendous form.

-Is he really?

-How many has he scored so far?

-Look at the scoreboard.

He's batting at number three.

Number three... 990?

-What a bat!

-Cor, dear...

He's facing up to that fast bowler again.

POCK

What a batsman!

That was a six! The fast bowler's coming in again. Watch this.

POCK

-Well played, sir, well played!

-He's done it, he's done it!

He's scored 1,000 runs! Wow, that's great.

-He's declared his innings.

-He hasn't!

Well played, sir!

Absolutely superb!

Wasn't that marvellous?

1,000 runs...

Cor...

Well...

Wonderful!

PINBALL DROPS INTO MACHINE

DING DING

DING

Ah, the monks.

Monks are funny.

No-one knows why, they just are.

Morecambe and Wise loved monks

and so did the viewers.

In fact, one of them wrote in,

suggesting a monk joke.

"Dear Eric and Ernie,

"I will start by saying I am a great fan of yours,

"as are all my friends.

"I always look forward to watching your programme

"and hope that the flow of them never stops.

"I have also had an idea

"which might be useful for a future series.

"The two monks enter and approach a cabinet at about waist height.

"A candlestick is on either side of the cabinet.

"Then they reach out and grasp the candlestick -

"one each - firmly.

"They then pull it down towards them -

"as in a pub -

"and quickly drink up their half pint.

"The idea could be enlarged upon

"and I hope it turns out well, if used.

"Yours faithfully."

His name was Steve Dron and he was 14.

All he wanted was a signed photo,

so he was quite surprised to receive a BBC contract in the post.

It was a lovely gag,

so let's finally give him the credit he's due.

'Additional material by Steve Dron.'

BELL CHIMES

BELLS PLAY JAUNTY TUNE

In the 1970s, trains were an even bigger joke than they are now.

This is a gem of a train sketch,

with an unusual but very successful

reversal of Eric and Ernie's usual roles.

ERIC SIGHS

Oh, this is a first class compartment?

That's right.

I've only got a second class ticket.

I suppose the ticket collector will throw me out when he finds me.

Can't do that.

Yes, he can. I've got a second class ticket

in a first class compartment, you see.

Not known to many, but this is the one day in the year

when anyone can travel first class.

Really?

Rail law, dating back to 1300.

Clerks were the peasants of England.

They could travel first class if they knew the codewords.

Codewords?

"Grapple your turnips and twist your sprigs."

"Grapple your turnips and twist your sprigs"?

That's it.

Entitles them to travel first class and still applies, to this very day.

Really?

Law of the realm.

I didn't know that. That means to say... He can't touch me, then?

Can't lay a finger on you.

-Oh.

-Tickets, please.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ticket, please.

-You know what to say.

-Yes.

I haven't got all day to wait, sir.

Ticket, please.

Thank you.

This is a second class ticket, sir.

You'll have to pay excess fare.

You know your rights.

-I know my rights.

-And I know mine.

Out.

Do you want to lose your job?

Do you want to lose your job?

You've got exactly three seconds

to either pay the excess fare

or get out.

The codewords.

Grapple your turnips and twist your sprigs.

What did you say?

Grapple your turnips and twist your sprigs!

I'll break your flaming neck if you talk to me like that!

Tell him to read the rules.

Read the rules.

You've got exactly three seconds.

Tell him it was a rule passed by the Guild of Shoemakers.

Pardon?

Guild of Shoemakers.

I'm waiting.

I... I'm...protected by the rule that they passed.

The rule who passed?

Cobblers.

Reversing the roles was a neat trick

and really showed Ernie's brilliance as a comic performer.

Here, the roles are literally reversed,

but it's the gag with the glass screen that makes it.

-There you are, madam.

-Oh, thank you very much indeed.

-Do have a nice holiday.

-Oh, I will, thanks a lot, bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

-Hello.

-Thank you.

"I have a gun in my pocket.

"Hand over £6,000 in used notes or I let you have it."

"You don't scare me, go away."

"Then will you settle for £3,000...

"..in used notes and I'll only shoot you a little bit, in the arm?"

"No, I won't.

"Even if you did shoot, you'd probably miss, four-eyes."

"It's not nice to make fun of people who wear spectacles."

"Go home, you silly Billy."

How... How do you...

How...

How...

How do you spell "annihilate"?

Annihilate?

-Annihilate.

-Annihilate. A-N-N...

Er...

I've no idea. No idea.

Well, if I put "kill", will you understand?

Yes.

-"Hand over the money or I'll kill you."

-Yes.

"I would lose my job

"and I owe the grocer for food

"for my dear wife and six little children."

ERNIE SOBS

"How much do you owe the grocer?"

12 quid?!

-Here, it's yours!

-Thank you very much.

I shouldn't be in this business, you know.

I shouldn't be in this business.

Right from the earliest shows,

Eric and Ernie were masters of something essentially English -

silliness.

This number was so popular,

it was released as a single.

Take it away, boys.

# Are you lonesome tonight

# Do you miss me tonight

# Are you sorry

# We drifted apart... #

Hey, what are you doing?

-I'm singing, aren't I?

-Singing?

-# Are you... #

You don't sing on your own any more, you know.

Well, Frank Sinatra didn't do bad, did he?

You've got to have backing today.

-You know, like Cliff Richards has The Shadows?

-Oh, has he?

-It's a very lucky day for you.

-Speak up a bit.

-# Are you... #

-Here, I'm a group.

-By yourself?

-No, no, no. There's a group of us.

-Is there?

-Yeah, there's Sid and Dick. You haven't met them, have you?

-No.

-Well, this is Dick and this is Sid.

-Oh, I see.

-That's Dick and that's Sid. Now, they're going to back you.

-Ah. Well, what does Dick... That's Dick?

-That's Dick, yes.

-What does he do, then?

-Well, he's a boomer.

Oh.

Give him a "boom", Dick.

Boom.

Is that all he does?

-That's all he needs to do.

-Does he cope?

-Of course.

Oh. And what about...

What about Sid, then?

Ah, now he's the real personality.

-Yes?

-He's an ooh-er.

-Is he?

-Yes.

-Oh.

Give him an "ooh", Sid.

Ooh.

You didn't want to part with that, did you?

What do you do, then?

I'm a ya-ta-ta-ta-er.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yes.

Goes like this - a one, two...

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta.

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta.

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta.

I get it! And I'm in the foreground, singing!

# Are you lonely tonight... #

-I'm doing it at the back, you see?

-Pushing me?

-Of course.

-Making me into a star?

-That's right.

-Hey, I'm all for that.

-You're very happy about this?

-Oh, yeah!

-He's a happy little soul, isn't he?

-Yeah. Are you ready to go, now?

-Lovely, yeah.

-I'll give you two in. Here we go.

A one, a two...

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Are you lonesome tonight?

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Do you miss me tonight?

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Are you sorry... #

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta.

-Just...just... Just a minute.

-Don't stop the booming.

No, no, just a minute, Sid.

A boom...

Just a minute.

I'm ya-ta-ta-ta-ing, you see?

-Oh, of course! Well, you shouldn't be.

-No, I should be singing Are You Lonesome Tonight!

-Cos you've got the sideboards, you're the star.

-I've got them all down here.

-Yes, yes.

It's probably the start, something went wrong with the start.

I know - Sid, you start us off, will you?

-Give us the one-two. Then you'll be all right.

-Well, yeah, yeah.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-One, two...

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Are you lonesome tonight?

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Do you miss me tonight?

-Boom.

-Ooh.

-Ya-ta-ta-ta

# Are you sorry... #

-Just a minute...

-# ..we drifted... #

-Just a minute, Sid.

-A boom...

-Just a minute, Dick.

I'm doing the "ooh" now!

I've "ya-ta-ta-ta-ed" and I'm doing the "ooh" now!

-I've only got the "boom" to go!

-Yes.

-There's something wrong somewhere, isn't there?

-Yeah!

-Yes.

Oh, I know what it is!

You start us off! You count the two in, then you can't go wrong!

That should do it, that should do it, that.

I'm sorry to disturb you all. He's a happy lad, isn't he?

Are you ready?

One, two.

# Boom. Ooh. Ya-ta-ta-ta Boom. Ooh. Ya-ta-ta-ta

-ALL: # Are you lonesome tonight?

-Boom. Ooh. Ya-ta-ta-ta

# Boom. Ooh. Ya-ta-ta-ta

-# Do you miss me tonight?

-Boom. Ooh. Ya-ta-ta-ta

# Are you sorry... #

Well, that's the end of our flick through

the Morecambe and Wise sketchbook.

Tricky things, sketches.

Each is a little world, a whole story -

but a few minutes and they're gone forever.

They work because it's never just a man

walking into a doctor's surgery or a shop -

It's Eric Morecambe.

And it's never just a shopkeeper -

it's Ernie Wise.

We know exactly what's going to happen,

yet we have no idea.

That takes skill and confidence

and a hell of a lot of gags.

The boys' writers, Sid and Dick and Eddie Braben,

had all of those things.

But the crucial ingredient was

two of the smartest, silliest, warmest performers

television has ever seen.

The brothers who weren't brothers -

Eric and Ernie.

Good night.

MUSIC: We'll Meet Again by Johnny Cash

# We'll meet again

# Don't know where, don't know when

# But I know we'll meet again

# Some sunny day

# Keep smiling through

# Just like you always do

# Till the blue skies

# Drive the dark clouds far away

# We'll meet again

# Don't know where, don't know when

# But I know we'll meet again

# Some sunny day. #