Episode 3 The Commute

In Northern Ireland, we waste hours sitting in traffic.

Whoa, hey!

That means more time to check out social media.

Good-looking. Stinking.

Sit back, buckle up...

Hello, sweetheart! ..it's The Commute.

See how cool I am? GIRL LAUGHS

'It's 6.30. A very good morning to you. This is...'

'We hold on to the warm weather.

'Temperatures comfortably in the high teens across Northern Ireland.'

HE GROANS Goodness me.

Oh, here we go again.

'And it's Monday and we're here. What an amazing weekend.'

INDISTINCT SHOUTING What?

Where is my water bottle? Wherever you left it.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

This programme contains strong language.

You're going to leave her late. I'm not.

# One good thing about music

# When it hits, you feel no pain. #

HE HUMS

Come on, Matilda. Matilda?

Come on. Yeah! Yeah!

Oh. How are you, man? Good morning.

HE LAUGHS Are you well?

Yeah, mate. You good?

Oh, these early mornings, man.

They're a killer, you know?

At least it's bright. Yeah.

Another day, another dollar.

Some people says.

Now, get that sunroof open.

Get the sunnies on. Aha.

# Loving you...

# Loving me

# Is easy cause you're beautiful

# Beautiful

# You're beautiful... #

That's what you were already singing to her last night.

# You're beautiful # It's true. #

What time did you go to sleep last night at?

Huh? Late. Yeah.

Don't know. Well, shake yourself before you go into work.

I work in a coffee shop. I'll have a coffee when I go in.

I know, but you're often dozy-looking or something.

SHE CHUCKLES

That was a good weekend, wasn't it? It was, yes.

Down on the old farm. Yeah.

It was nice to have your lovely girlfriend over to say.

I know, wasn't it just? THEY CHUCKLE

Camping was fun.

It's nice. Yeah. Nice to know that you're happy.

Yes. And I like her.

Yes. Which is always a good thing. Yes.

SHE TOOTS HORN

What did you actually do when you were camping?

Um...

We watched the...light. What did you do when you were camping?

We watched the lights of Belfast. Yeah, that's what you were doing.

Yes. That was one thing we did.

Does anyone want a banana? Um, I would love a banana.

'Well, good morning, everybody!

'Hiya. Morning, welcome...'

I told you not to take that phone with you any more into school.

I'm going to turn it off when I get in.

It doesn't matter. It is still in your pocket.

You shouldn't have it in school.

But I'll turn it off. What?

I'll turn it off, I'll put it on silent.

And down everybody have their phone in school?

Yeah. Kelly, do you take yours in school? Yeah.

Does your mummy know you take your phone in school? Yeah.

See, her mum is OK with it.

Well... You're not as cool as Debbie.

THEY LAUGH

I am cool, Emma! Are you hip and happening down with the kids, Mum?

Yes, I am. No she's not! I am!

You're not! I am. I can be as cool as the rest of them.

LAURA LAUGHS LOUDLY

I can be all "LOL".

Mum, you can be all laugh out loud? And OJ.

Oh, you're not so cool when you think that LOL means lots of love.

Yeah, Mum. What happened with that? THEY LAUGH

Well, that's different. You thought LOL meant lots of love!

That was a bit disturbing, all right. Yeah.

Somebody sent me an LOL at the end of the message, I was like...

"What? Freak-ay!" GIRLS LAUGH

MUSIC: Cool Kids by Echosmith

Maureen, do you text a lot?

Do you text a lot or do you...? I love... Yes.

Do you use your mobile and speak to people or text?

No, I love texting. Yes? Do you do predictive text? No.

No, I can't manage that either.

It is coming up with words that I don't want to say.

What does TTYL mean, Mum?

What is FO...? What? What?

TT...? TTYL.

Oh, so you're not... Totally something. Totally... No. No.

What's happening? I almost broke my phone

just as I was walking out, as always.

I don't how many times my phone dropped.

Broked? Dropped. Dropped.

I thought you said broked.

That's what most foreigners do. I'm ti-red. I'm ti-red.

I'll be back in soon! THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear.

Dear, dear, dear. HE LAUGHS

Now, if I said something about that legging,

you would have said something to me.

Well, just sometimes, a legging's not great.

Do you think she is wearing a nappy? It looks like it.

Big pants, anyway.

To...time... No.

TTYL?

GIGGLING

Take the... Take the! LAURA LAUGHS

T... TTYL? Yeah.

Don't know. Totally... Talk to you later.

Talk to you later. TTYL!

That's, like, first-year. That's, like, first-year!

Sorry, Kelly. Well, I am a first year.

Sorry, Kelly. First-year texter.

So when you text me, "see you later"...

"See you later", is that SYL? See you later?

I don't text you. THEY LAUGH

What's happened?

All right. Thank you.

ALL: Beep! Beep! Beep! Oh, Jesus.

LAUGHTER I did that one bad, then?

You're breaking me out in a sweat. I know.

MUSIC: Cool Kids by Echosmith.

HE BEEPS HORN

'59% more iPhones were sold compared with the same time last year,

'but the firm has not revealed how well the Apple Watch has performed.'

It's...it's...

I think they are marketing towards kids nowadays anyway.

All I want to do... If you think about it, back in the day

we didn't have a phone until we were late...in our mid-teens anyway,

and back then it was a brick.

Nowadays they all have iPhones by age 11. The aerial, the big...

The aerial, yeah, the BT phone. BT Cellnet.

BT Cellnet. Get them back on the go.

Give them to kids these days. Stuck ten pound in it

and it done you ten years.

You put it on charge in 1999, it was still full in 2002. Yeah.

No, that's all it was for, but see nowadays, it's your Apple Watches.

Hello, hello?

There's watches lying all over your room, Emma. A wee watch?

What kind of wee watch? Wee iWatch. Is that what they're called?

Do you know what I'd say to your wee iWatch? No.

Aye...you're not getting it. Is it an Apple Watch or something?

That's the only aye you'll get. Aye, watch.

THEY LAUGH Aye, dead on, watch.

No chance, Emma. I can see the

branding opportunities already. You stay at school.

Aye, watch. LAURA LAUGHS

Dead on. Buy your watch in Northern Ireland. Aye...

It's like having a smart watch. Yeah. What about you, Bud?

You'd love one, I think.

Yeah, I would like one

because it would be like you're in a secret agent film or something.

You want an iWatch, stay at school, go to university,

get yourself a decent job.

In, like, 50 years? It's not 50 years, Emma.

In, like, four. 14 years.

14 years! Sorry, you're 14 years old.

That wee woman's garden's lovely.

Can't see past your head.

There's no sign of her. I know.

I'll give a good beep.

CLUNKING Oh, shit. Sorry. Go, girl!

SHE TOOTS HORN

Hello. Morning. Morning. Morning! Hello.

Hold on.

Thank you very much for your card, by the way.

And the gift. It was lovely.

I'm trying to pick who I'll take with me to the restaurant.

HE LAUGHS Told Mum that.

Wasn't too happy.

Wasn't too happy.

HE BEEPS HORN Hello, sweetheart!

HE CHUCKLES Good morning, sunshine. How is it, my friend?

I am well. How are you? Oh, dear me. I can't complain. Same old.

Are you a bit warmer now? I know, such a lovely day.

Hiya. Huh?

Hiya!

See you later.

HORN TOOTS

Who's that?

'Now, here's a question.

'At what age is it appropriate to let you're child use social media?

'More than half of children have used an online social network

'by the age of ten, apparently.'

There is too much. Everything is saturated with Facebook, Twitter.

You have Facebook.

I know I have Facebook, but... You wanted Twitter. You had Snapchat.

You were doing some good Snapchats. But they're funny, Snapchats.

They were very funny. No, that was horrifying. They were brilliant.

Like, pictures of salt.

"You've been a-salted."

THEY LAUGH

Oh, no.

Yeah, I've had to unfriend my daughters.

THEY LAUGH

Cos they're getting to that age of...

"Sireli likes Big Butts Weekly."

I know. And it is actually your daughter.

They're talking about flipping boys and everything else, you know.

I'm like, I can't be reading this crap. No! Yeah.

That's it. And all the kids, everywhere you go, children...

you know, they're...

What are you doing now? Selfie! Sorry, I have yous tortured.

Oh, please! Get in!

Morning! Mine is class.

Oh, my God. But I imagine I went on the way you go on with my phone.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but, like...what's wrong with...?

What's wrong with it is, like, yous are like something demented.

I don't do... You can't even have a conversation any more.

My reverse camera on my phone doesn't work. You're like this.

EMMA LAUGHS No, I'm not!

Yeah, you are. Go, take a selfie. No. What?

No. Pout your lips out. Same.

All of this side stuff. Look.

Yous are contorting your faces.

Yeah, you're not even in the photograph. You're, like, in...

Kelly's phone's broke!

Yeah, well... That's from all the selfies, Kelly.

Got my heart broken last night updating the phone

and totally didn't do it correctly or whatever

and it froze and I had to re...

..reactivate...restore the whole phone.

Lost everything. That is that new Apple update, isn't it? Yeah.

Can't even remember passwords into Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

CONNOR LAUGHS Everything you get onto. Snapchat. That's the worst.

That's probably a good thing because you're always on it. Oh, I...

Toodle-pip. I'll get in the front.

Pick me up at 3.00 at the gate, will you?

I will. All right, good luck, love. Bye. Love you.

Bye. Bye, Kelly. Love you too!

LAURA LAUGHS

You realise that it is not hard, though,

just to say "forgotten password"?

But I can't even remember my usernames.

Honestly, totally and utterly...

I'm a goldfish. Can't remember...

what I even had for breakfast this morning.

That's a lie.

Had two pancakes, like. Lovely. Lovely.

MUSIC: Jealous by Nick Jonas

Whoa!

So, you took over me...

for 30 seconds and I am right up behind you. What was the point?

Relax yourself, boy. Relax yourself.

Anything in that inside lane, Thomas?

INAUDIBLE

Well, you see, there's a blind spot.

See, that's what yous boys don't understand. Come on.

Yous boys don't understand that. You're the driver of the van!

Drive the van. You've got a mirror there, you've got a mirror there

and you've got a mirror in the middle. Use it.

I've just got to blow off these cars here.

HE IMITATES CAR SPEEDING UP

Got it the first time. Got it, all right.

SID LAUGHS Got it the first time.

Got the first what? Got it the first time.

Jesus, look at the smoke coming out of this thing.

Whoo! What is that? Is that me?!

So, any women?

Not at the minute. What? Not at the minute. You?

What happened on Saturday night, then?

What was Saturday? Did you just party till...?

Oh, yeah. We didn't go to bed till about five. Awful.

I was grim on Sunday.

You need to get on the internet dating to be saved. I certainly do!

Maybe don't post too many pictures.

Maybe not any.

Yeah. Get yourself on the internet dating.

It's working for all round us.

Yeah, but I'm just not sure, Gary.

I mean, that's how people get kidnapped, abused.

You could meet some real weirdo. Yeah.

Have yous heard of that dating website Tinder?

Oh, yes. Are you on it? No, I am not. Oh, you liar!

You're on it.

You're more a Plenty Of Fish kind of girl.

LAUGHTER plentyoffish.com

I'd be too afraid to go on something like that. I know.

It's just not known. But there's safe ones, isn't there?

Are you on Tinder? Tinder? Yeah. What is that?

I don't believe that for a second, big man.

You put your details in, they put their details in...

..and...

they meet up for a match-up or something. Fucking lot of bollocks.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not... Hold on.

A lot of bollocks, surely.

Oh, I know. OK there.

If you can't meet somebody out normal, you know what I mean?

OK, go ahead.

Fucking oddball sitting on the fucking computer

trying to find a fucking boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Meet some header. Relax.

Do you have it on your phone there, do you?

No, I actually don't. LAUGHING: Dead on.

I don't. Dead on.

I actually don't.

I need the password to check.

Dammit, that's about it then.

So what way does it work then?

You just like and don't like, so you don't.

So do you write like "Good looking. Good looking. Stinking."?

Basically. "Stinking."

MUSIC: Johnny Delusional by FFS

You're not getting yourself a wee ride on it, no?

I don't think farmers are right for that sort of set up.

Well, farmers look good.

A farmer's wife is hard to come across to you like.

They are like. They are few and far between, like hens' teeth.

# Haven't a chance

# Still I want you... #

Hiya.

That's not bad looking either.

I had this really nice conversation with some guy.

He was just randomly sending me naked photos of himself.

No way.

Sending naked pictures. Like, obviously he was wearing his boxers.

No, Fisnik, pure naked.

Like... Oh, my God.

Seriously? People do that?

I don't know why they think it's OK.

People send pictures of themselves naked, totally naked? Yeah. Yeah.

To strangers. To random people? To strangers, yeah.

Like, we talked a little bit. He must be very proud of it.

His manhood. Well...

I don't know why he was so proud of it. But...

THEY LAUGH

Why, does he have nothing to be proud of?

I don't know. I'm just like... I didn't really look at it much.

You didn't look at it much?

No, I was like... I'm sure you zoomed in.

SHE LAUGHS

# I know I haven't a chance

# Still I want you

# Johnny Delusional here... #

Look at that big rent sign up there.

Yeah. Too bad. It's dreadful, isn't it?

Well, if it's got your attention. Uh-huh. So it's worked.

I just would not like to live in there. You can see...

Look, there's a bed right at the window. Uh-huh.

You'd need to pull the curtains. Yeah.

You wouldn't need to go on the internet dating site. No.

THEY LAUGH

You could just stand there at rush hour.

You could just put a rent sign up.

Wee red light behind it.

Absolutely. Put your girdle on the dryer.

THEY LAUGH

Are you single yourself?

Yeah. That must be good for the dating for you.

Yeah, it can be. No, I'll tell you...

Are you one of these new modern... You like this online stuff?

Or are you old-fashioned? Yeah. I would be a little bit old-fashioned.

There's nothing nicer... I'm probably getting dressed

and getting ready, put on a bit of cologne.

I like that.

Going out and having a boogie and see who's there, you know?

I think, for me, I would be... I'd rather be the old-fashioned type.

I don't like this new age stuff of putting a picture online

and just sitting waiting. Yeah.

Me and RJ, Megs, Sam and all, Jordi, we even go down...

You know the jiving nights?

Jiving? Aye. What's jiving? You know, the dancing. Dancing?

Aye. It sounds real old-school. I wasn't going to go. And then...

Do you know what, I think I actually seen a programme about that.

We... We went to it like. And it's great craic.

You know your man Nathan Carter and Derek, Lisa McKee?

Oh, for flip's sake. Yeah, it's real good.

Load of yokes walking by like. A load of yokes.

A load of yokes. Good looking yokes like?

Aye, there is. Aye.

Great few knocking about it like. Is that the private spot then?

I would say so, for farmer's wife material like, definitely.

I was...

Not going to find too many in Belfast.

Nope. Not too many.

Not too many will want to cook buns and clean for you.

Yeah.

And honestly, they have to be good looking too.

I'd rather stick it in the microwave, so I would.

I'm like... HE LAUGHS

I like country people.

Yes, you do.

Sometimes I feel a wee bit country myself. Yes.

# I really, really, really, really, really, really like you

# And I want you

# Do you want me? Do you want me too? #

Have you any good chat up lines?

Aye.

Well?

Just...throw them a 10p.

Maybe two or three 10p.

Used to flick them a 10p and they'd have caught it.

Leave your number on it?

No. It says, "Call your ma, you're not going home tonight."

# I really, really, really, really, really, really like you. #

Can't really do that these days. I know.

You don't get payphones and all that. I know, no payphones.

In my day, there was. Send them your mobile phone.

You're like a salesperson whenever you meet a girl, you know?

You have to sell yourself properly.

That's right. You do.

It's tough out there, man, trying to find the right person,

you know what I mean?

What...what would be your idea of like a perfect date?

Is there such a thing? Ha.

MUSIC: Dancing On My Own by Robyn

Tell me this, Maureen,

in your young days, did ever you go on a blind date?

LAUGHING: Oh, Maureen!

Did you? She's not for telling you that.

What about you, Martha? Did you ever go on a blind date?

Did you ever go on a blind date? No. I did not.

You know why that was?

Cos all of us had plenty dates without going on a blind one.

Is that right? MAUREEN LAUGHS

That's right.

Where do you take them, first night out?

First date... Where did you take Sarah?

Don't say the car park.

THEY LAUGH

I know.

Um, no... I'd say a house where you probably did end up.

No. Sarah's a good girl.

Looking back all those years till when...till before I married.

And I was going out with whoever asked me out. Yes.

They... I don't know if the big thing was being bored.

You know, if you were sitting with somebody who was naturally

silent, or who was maybe just deadly dull...

Maureen. Good heavens!

It's awful. I have a confession to make.

That's how I learned to drive at 17.

I was friendly with a boy whose parents owned a garage.

And he used to come down at the weekends...

to their caravan.

And he taught me to drive.

And he got me my license.

And in those days, I didn't even have to do a test, you know that?

Right. I never had to have a test in my life.

And what I really meant to tell you was, I couldn't stand the boy.

But I liked his car.

THEY LAUGH

I took her to the cinema and then for a McDonald's actually.

I took her to McDonald's on the first date!

You went to the cinema and then McDonald's? Cinema, McDonald's.

I was showing her how things were going to be from the offset.

Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes.

You'll not be hypnotising me. Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes.

Look in my eyes.

In my eyes. In my eyes. In my eyes.

I'm finding it hard. Concentrate on the road now.

See, I could have put you under there.

That eejit cut me up. Whoa! Hey!

BEEPS HORN

Don't now. I don't like...

That bloke would turn around, stop, his handbrake...

It's a woman.

Women drivers. Typical.

Ah, yeah. Typical.

Cut us off, love, at this time in the morning.

Look, look, look.

Aye, on you go over there. Aye. Away you go.

Giving me that look for?

If I was you, I'd maybe shimmy in to the other lane.

I'm about to but there's a car coming.

Listen, I've got the steering wheel in my hand.

SHE LAUGHS

Uh-huh.

I'm just...

I'm starting to wonder these days if I'm a loser, you know what I mean?

Cos I never seem to be able to find

the right girl, a nice girl, you know?

You need to go out on the dating scene more.

I reckon I should borrow your face and am I'll all right.

HE LAUGHS

There's a bit of George Clooney-ness about you.

Good luck with that.

Aye. Lovely. That's great. Thank you.

Is my bag in there? Oh, good one.

MUSIC: Body Talk by Foxes

You stretched, I seen marks on your neck.

Yes.

Cover the marks up.

That's just gross.

That's just really, really gross.

Appalling. Cover them.

Surprised you hadn't noticed. I should have words with that child.

HE GIGGLES

Spoiled my whole day now.

What have I done?

You've done nothing. It's BK. OK.

She's vampired your neck.

# Oh, let your body talk

# Even when you feel so lost... #

Whoa! Look out.

# When the tears they fall

# You gotta just let it go

# La-la-la... #

If it makes you feel any better, she's got some too. Oh, no!

HE SNIGGERS

That's not good.

It's really not good. It's not clever, it's not funny.

Yes, it is. No, it's not.

I don't know what women want, man. But... Who knows?

But hopefully one day we'll all find out.

I don't even think the big lad up there knows what women want.

He's probably going, "Jeepers, why did I make them?"

THEY LAUGH

When I was a younger woman, I was very quick-tempered.

She still is.

MAUREEN LAUGHS

I'm not... Why did you have to say that?

Martha still thinks I'm a bit quick-tempered.

I'm just not as explosively quick-tempered

as I was when I was a younger woman.

I was fearsome. I truly do not know how a young husband put up with me.

Well, I mean, sometimes I was provoked by that said young husband.

It's going to be a good day.

Let's do this. Yeah.

Let's do it.

And again. And again. Here we go.

SIGHING

Keep you driving and concentrating and I'll feed you.

Don't worry about that. Keep them coming, lad.

I know I'll be coming.

Don't make your fingers touch my lips. Aye, I know. Fuck me.

My fingers. I feel fucking sick.

And I haven't been to the toilet this morning

so don't worry about it.

Give me them.

Get that out your road.

I had stood one evening and made a meal.

And of course he said...

I sat the meal down and of course he said the worst words that he

could ever have said.

"You know, I don't think your gravy's as good as my mother's."

I mean... SHE LAUGHS

Common sense and self-preservation should have warned the man

not to have actually uttered those words.

But no. He had the heart of a lion.

I could not help it.

There he was, sitting with his knife and fork, poised.

I lifted the plate from under him.

I just lifted the plate.

And he stared. And he said, "What are you going to do?"

I scraped it fiercely into the bin.

And he was left with no food.

So I have calmed down in my older years.

That's what I mean, Maureen, by compromising, dear.

Well, maybe he has become a bit more judicious in his remarks.

It works both ways, doesn't it? I think so, anyway.

So how's your relationship going anyway?

Are you dating this thing or what are you doing or what's happening?

I don't really know. We met each other last Sunday night.

Went on our first date.

And? When did we go on our first date? Sunday...

I think this was your third one, was it not?

DVD night, you said. You were having a DVD night.

No?

We had a DVD last night, aye.

She broke the bed.

I was thinking about how to get her down into the bedroom.

For a bit of nooky-wooky. Right.

Next thing she says, "You want to give me a hand moving the bed?"

Right.

That's OK.

So I was going to shift it over and I pulled the back.

She wasn't moving her end, and the fucking legs broke off it.

THEY CHUCKLE

Are you sure you weren't in it?

Are you sure you weren't in it when the legs broke off it?

I know there's a night I come off the wardrobe.

I came out of the wardrobe. She wanted me to be Batman.

Well... Ach!

Nothing you can do.

MUSIC: Body Talk by Foxes

# Let your body talk

# Even when you feel so lost

# Spinning when the tears

# They fall, you gotta just let it go

# Oh, let your body talk

# Even when you feel so lost

# Spinning when the tears... #

There's an extra special line-up on Nolan Live this week.

We'll be linking up with RTE to bring you debates

from studios in Belfast and Dublin.

And revealing the results of our cross-border survey

on a range of political and social issues.

Join me in Belfast. Join me, Miriam O'Callaghan, in Dublin.

That's tonight after the news on BBC One.