Episode 4 The Commute


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Here in Northern Ireland, we're always on the road.

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And we drive each other mad.

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SHE LAUGHS

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That man just stuck his tongue out at you.

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We love nothing better than a good rant about politics.

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Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.

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Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.

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Sit back, buckle up... Holy kabunga!

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..it's The Commute.

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MAUREEN LAUGHS

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ON RADIO: 'Good morning, everyone, it is Wednesday morning...'

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'..and the weather, showers mainly across the south and west today,

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'merging into longer spells of rain.'

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Good morning. Good morning, how are you today?

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I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine. God, how bad is the weather?

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SHE SIGHS

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Anyway, sure... It'll brighten up again, it'll water the plants.

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It's definitely hard sometimes in the morning.

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Yep. Especially when you have a wee glass of wine or two in you

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from the night before.

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Ah, you weren't drinking AGAIN? I had a few, like.

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What was the celebrations? The cat had five kittens.

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This programme contains strong language.

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It's the same every morning,

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you're lying on and lying on and stressing everybody out.

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Mummy, do you think the people of Newry want coffee

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served by someone with no make-up on?

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Yes, I know. Be a horrible sight. This face, Mum.

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Well... My beautiful face! I know you're beautiful, Laura.

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LAURA LAUGHS

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Every mummy thinks their daughter's beautiful. Yeah, OK(!)

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# You and I

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# Just you and I... #

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ON RADIO: 'Good morning, the Northern Ireland Assembly

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'returns after its summer break today.

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'The secretary of state Theresa Villiers said that

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'if there is no agreement on welfare reform...'

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You all right? SIGHING: Aye.

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'..the government will take back the power to legislate

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'on the issue from Westminster.'

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OK left. Politics is a dirty game,

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but they've got to have a bit of respect for one another.

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Sure, all they want to do is fight and argue with each other.

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They're like children.

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Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.

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That's what it's like, a school playground.

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Oh, I know. I know.

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# And I don't think we can solve them

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# You made a really deep cut

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# And, baby, now we got bad blood... #

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As far as I'm concerned,

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no matter what happens in Stormont, Northern Ireland's broke.

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And just has no money. So I don't know what's going to happen to us.

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They couldn't decide on the colour of dung up at Stormont, like.

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ADAM LAUGHS So they couldn't.

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Wild.

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All I know is that I'm fed up at listening to them

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arguing with one another,

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and I do hope and pray that some day they would agree to differ

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and meet and that Northern Ireland would be a better place.

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The social budget,

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I know there are lots of people who genuinely need help and I have

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no problem with that,

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but there are also lots of people who are swinging the lead.

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Not saying there's a whole lot, but there are a few.

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But sure, they'll never change it now. No, it's too easy.

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They need to grow a set of balls, know what I mean?

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When Maggie Thatcher died, she was a donor,

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she was carrying a donor card,

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and she left Cameron her bollocks.

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Cos that's what they need. That's not nice. No, but they do.

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I don't know, there's too much orange-green stuff, to be honest.

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Aye. And in fairness, the likes of that welfare bill,

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it doesn't matter what you are or what religion or colour.

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..milking the system. Yeah, flippin' right it is.

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He looks awfully cross in the morning. Awfully rude.

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Awfully cross in the morning. I hate an old busted bake like that.

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Well, I suppose we don't know what's going on in the wee man's life. No.

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Maybe his marmalade wasn't ready this morning.

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You know, I often think I would make a very good politician.

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I think I would make a good politician.

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Let's be honest here,

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if I was running the country the place would be better.

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No. Yes. No.

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Keep her in the fast lane. Oh, fuck. Where the fuck are you going?!

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Clamp it.

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Look at that there.

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All the MLAs, they need to do...

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Do you know what they need us to do? A drama workshop.

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They need us to do a drama workshop, some role-playing...

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No, but you see... No, no... But they wouldn't do that.

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This is a fantastic idea! No, listen!

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But they wouldn't do that because musical theatre

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and everything's like...gay.

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Now we're sucking diesel. Just stop, Connor, just stop.

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Look - what are you smiling for? Just drive.

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Now they're not looking, absolute useless... Muppets. Women drivers!

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Ooh, feck. Mum... Well, he's coming up there a bit fast, isn't he?

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I hate this road. You'd know it was a man anyway.

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Meh.

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Women are better drivers.

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Do you think? Absolutely. We multitask better.

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Which means we can organise the family in the car

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AND drive carefully.

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Hi-ya!

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Woo!

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Wee wave and all.

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Is it the way my hair is? Must be.

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Ahh.

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Were you a bad-tempered woman, Martha? No, I wasn't.

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Were you calm and composed? Yes.

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Collected, yes.

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Yes, you strike me as a wee calm and composed person.

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I know, but my husband wasn't a bit calm. Was he not?! No.

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I never let on I heard him. So I didn't. And he had to shut up.

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..could actually write an e-mail now, as I'm thinking.

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If I had some sort of brainwave I could...

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You could write it now. Do you want me write it? Yes, do.

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I honestly think that I should suggest that

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I do performing arts workshops at Stormont.

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Where...

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We'll do the introduction thing, we could do the "Hello, my name is...

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"Peter Robinson." And then get Peter Robinson to make a noise.

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HE LAUGHS

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"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack!" You know?

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They have to introduce themselves by name and then we do that,

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and then we do some...

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noise. Some drama face things and stuff.

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And then we teach them song Over the Rainbow.

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What do you think? You're actually doing this, aren't you?

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What are you actually writing down, darling?

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"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack. Over the Rainbow."

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SHE LAUGHS

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Any more, no? There's two more, you're all right, sit there.

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All right.

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Take it easy.

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ON RADIO: 'It's eight o'clock.

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'First up, the DUP is set to meet the Secretary of State today to

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'discuss the political crisis at Stormont.'

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IN IRISH:

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SHE LAUGHS THEN STOPS SUDDENLY

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# Cos everything is changing, and I know... #

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Tell you what, if I become an MP one day... You SHOULD be an MP.

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Aye, I'd have the wee man as my sidekick, and yourself.

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We'd be running, eh...

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I tell you what, there's one thing I'll be getting

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straight into this fucking country, and that'll be equality.

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You'll never get equality into this country. You won't.

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Too many people live in the past.

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We need to get into the 21st century,

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we need to get a referendum for the gay rights, without a doubt.

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Definitely. And if they want, they can even invite...

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I'll even do the Pride, we'll walk the Pride, the three of us,

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we'll lead it. Not a problem.

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Yep, MPs, they should be sitting down round a table now,

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following the south.

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Oh, easy, easy. Go down this way. Oh, GO this way?

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This way, this way, indicate.

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I sometime have amazing, genius ideas

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and that is probably one of the best ones I have ever had.

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To be honest, your internal monologue probably thinks

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everything is a genius idea.

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Let's be honest here. It's like making vanilla cupcakes.

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Did you think that was genius? Yeah. Yeah. Did that work? No. No.

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# Ohh, I remember when this world was my own... #

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I'm definitely more chirpy on a Friday.

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Those boys with the bakery. Ashers?

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Aye. What do you think? Och, it's...

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They'll get some publicity out of that.

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It'll sell cakes. Oh, it won't sell cakes. Oh, it will.

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It will, their sales will go through the roof cos of that.

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High-profile case.

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It's so absolutely stupid that those two went to try and...

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Digso!

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Don't think he could hear you!

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..ask that company Ashers, they wouldn't make the cake.

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I'd make the man a cake!

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I'm good at chocolate gateaux.

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I think it's their decision if they want to do it or not.

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Yes.

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Everybody should live together and get on together and live in harmony,

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and respect...respect people, that's the word.

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Respect people's views.

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And in this case, it didn't happen.

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If that's their beliefs,

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and if someone goes for an interview who's part of that community...

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They wouldn't let them in. See, that's illegal. That is illegal.

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So that's a much bigger thing.

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And surely there's something to look at there to see

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if they are employing LBGT people.

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I hate the LGBT thing. Gosh, it's actually labelling people now.

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It is! Like a jam jar.

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Everyone has to have a label nowadays. Uh-huh.

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ALL: Morning!

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WOMAN YAWNS

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I'm not getting any better at parking. Where did you park?

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I've just abandoned it again. No, it's fine.

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I think parking spaces are getting thinner. They are! Definitely.

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Saying that, I'm putting weight on! And cars are getting heavier.

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ON RADIO: 'It's the row which will not go away -

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'should gay marriage be made legal in Northern Ireland?'

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This whole issue about people...

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I know it says in the Bible that marriage should be between a man

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and a woman, it says a lot of other things in the Bible that

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probably won't ring true today.

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But the Bible is the truth, the Bible does tell the truth.

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But when you into the Bible, sure,

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there's another can of worms you can open.

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We'll not go down that...

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But, sure, it's a book. I know. Know what I mean?

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It's a record, it's not a book, it's a record.

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Of what happened. But...

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Well, why do them things claimed that happened in it,

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why does things like that not happen today?

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Why there's people starving, why can somebody not go and feed them

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with a loaf and two fish?

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No, that's not... When we go to Scotland, we have to get a boat.

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Moses could have walked!

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Sure, it's never recorded in history,

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science is more advanced now.

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Look at the other side of the coin, you're just flipping about. No.

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Yeah, correct, a debate.

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I think there'll be woman priests soon. Aye.

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Well, there should be women, cos women are marrying women

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and men are marrying...

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The world's changing and the church has to change with it.

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Of course, it's the 21st century.

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This would heal Northern Ireland with performing arts.

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I like the way I dress right now.

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In 60 years' time, people will not believe this all went on. No.

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We'll all be equal. Everybody will be equal.

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They'll have found something else, something else will be formed,

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half-dog, half-man.

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To moan about. Uh-huh. Well, it needs to keep Stormont in business.

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Because really, what else do they do?

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The biggest clowns, up there.

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That's just a pantomime, don't even talk about it, cos it's so bad,

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and you know the big salaries they're getting? Uh-huh.

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Who's paying for them?

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Us. And I think you hit the nail on the head

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saying it's the biggest pantomime, I mean, look at the ugly sisters.

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There's not one of them good-looking. No.

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Not one of them you would want to turn the volume up.

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And there's not a good shoe in the place. LAUGHING: No.

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# Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom... #

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HE BLOWS HORN

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# Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome

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# So handsome... #

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Did you see that craic about your fella Jenner changed

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himself from a man to a woman?

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The Kardashians' dad or something. What?!

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Have you seen Bruce? Have YOU seen Bruce?

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No, Caitlin watched that stuff... Caitlyn's his name!

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Caitlyn's his name!

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What? Her name is Caitlyn. What are you on about?

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Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner.

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And a picture on the front of Vogue. No way!

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Wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier style corset.

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And they are so glam, and really, I don't know. Him and the wife?

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No, they're separated. Oh, they're separated?

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They're separated a while, a good while.

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He was married to the Kardashians' mother. Right.

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Who's now a woman, a full-on... Caitlyn Jenner woman.

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Well, each to their own. And he would be popping into a court shoe.

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Yeah. Although he was on the cover of Vanity Fair,

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and I have to say, he looked fantastic.

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Well, maybe he always really was a woman.

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I think he always was, he always had a plucked eyebrow.

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Has he not got the lad cut off and all, like?

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He hasn't got it cut off already, has he?

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Do they even cut it off? They do something with it, like.

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It's not like you'd take a month to think about it.

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I don't know. I don't think they even cut it off.

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I don't know whether they split the lad

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and then just roll it up inside you.

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NATHAN LAUGHS

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I don't actually know. What way do you...? What way do you pee?

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I think you pee like a girl. It'd be like a garden hose.

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HE SNORTS

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Spin...! Spin out! Oh, dear.

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Do his kids still call him "Daddy"?

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Cos he's a girl?

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Telling you though, it's all a load of lies. It's all...?

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He's done it because they were losing ratings, and he goes,

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"I'll take one for the team."

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Not realising that he can't really switch back.

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The worst thing is women drivers.

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Huh? Women drivers.

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I don't like slagging women cos I quite like women,

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but by fuck, they can't drive.

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Well, I could never, when I was learning to drive, I would always go

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right round Portrush so I would be heading home, cos I couldn't reverse.

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THEY LAUGH

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I shouldn't have been on the roads at all.

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Ha, he's picking his nose and eating it. Ohh-ho-ho!

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Where are you going? I thought we were going this way - no? No?

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That man there's just stuck his tongue out at you. Who?

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That one there in that silver car.

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He should have cleaned it first.

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With his teeth? It was like a carpet. Oh, dear.

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Why are we sitting here?

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TYRES SCREECH Whoa, what's that all about!? Hey!

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What is...? What the...? Whoa, whoa!

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Holy kabunga!

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Slow down there.

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Oh, you're all right, just being on these...,

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know what I mean, mate?

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Listen, if you want to keep this up,

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you'll be swiftly getting dropped off.

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You can get the bus. Public transport in Northern Ireland?

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No problem, sir.

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You clearly haven't been on public transport in Northern Ireland then.

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No, not in about...

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HE EXHALES

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..11 years. There you go.

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ON RADIO: 'A South Belfast MLA has criticised

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'the city centre bus lane scheme that's left motorists

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'confused and on the receiving end of fines.'

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In some cases you're going to be in a bus lane for a few seconds. Yeah.

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But they're going to prosecute you.

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Surely there can't be cameras covering every inch of the bus lane?

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It can only be fixed cameras in certain areas,

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like a speed camera, surely? No, they have mobile ones as well.

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They're going to have a van and it'll sit in places where...

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Probably peak times where people are breaking the rules.

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That's going to make money, right enough. Oh, aye.

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It's a money-making exercise.

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It's not about traffic flow.

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Somebody sitting in an office, thinking these great ideas up,

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"This is how we make money."

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Do you get a ticket if you go in a bus lane? Yeah, I think so.

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Oh, dear. To be honest, I'm never in the centre of Belfast, so I don't...

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I'll just go and if I get stopped, "No English."

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"Go back to your country!"

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And I'm like, "I know English, you just said... That's racist!"

0:17:290:17:33

Sure, the council have a private security firm contracted

0:17:420:17:47

for a man to walk the tide bank.

0:17:470:17:49

To watch for people's dogs shiteing.

0:17:490:17:51

Instead of getting somebody to lift it, he walks the tide bank

0:17:510:17:56

dressed like anybody else and if he sees a dog shiteing, he fines you.

0:17:560:17:59

Oh.

0:17:590:18:01

Do you know what they're starting to do,

0:18:010:18:04

in Dagenham and Barking or somewhere, DNA testing dog poo. Brilliant.

0:18:040:18:07

Shut up. No, I swear, it's true.

0:18:070:18:10

And it's called "Poo Profiles", is the company.

0:18:100:18:12

And they take the dog's DNA when they get microchipped or whatever.

0:18:120:18:19

And then if there's poo lying, they're going to test it.

0:18:190:18:22

So what, does Mr Officer come to your door - "Excuse me..."

0:18:220:18:25

"Excuse me, I have some poo here."

0:18:250:18:27

In a sample bag. Yeah. Exhibit A.

0:18:270:18:31

There's William. Give him a wee toot. Too-too-toot.

0:18:310:18:34

Give him a toot.

0:18:340:18:35

HE BEEPS HORN

0:18:350:18:36

Ah! He's got his dog poo bag with him. Oh, dear.

0:18:380:18:41

But people have to do that now, they have to lift it.

0:18:410:18:44

I know you have to lift it, but you don't swing it in the air

0:18:440:18:46

when you're waving.

0:18:460:18:48

You know, I thought that last budget, they were going to

0:18:480:18:52

take off the passes for the over-70s,

0:18:520:18:55

or whatever the age is.

0:18:550:18:58

I thought they were going to take those free bus passes off us,

0:18:580:19:01

but they haven't done that, which is good.

0:19:010:19:04

Oh. Because an awful lot of people I know use them.

0:19:040:19:08

Oh, for sure, I think they're a wonderful thing.

0:19:080:19:12

They allow older people to get out and about,

0:19:120:19:15

which not only is good for their physical health,

0:19:150:19:17

it's good for their mental health, it's just good every way I think.

0:19:170:19:22

They've got all those old people on the flaming trains taking our seats.

0:19:220:19:27

Regis! But you know, they're just out for...

0:19:270:19:30

No, you hear people, they get to 65, what do they do?

0:19:300:19:35

They go to Dublin for the day. At 60, you get your free...

0:19:350:19:37

Yeah, my mum and dad have just got theirs

0:19:370:19:40

and the other day they were away a wee trip.

0:19:400:19:43

Aye, well... I think it's lovely.

0:19:430:19:46

Well, if they've worked all their lives and paid...

0:19:460:19:48

They're going on like a Wednesday morning,

0:19:480:19:51

they're not really taking up any space.

0:19:510:19:53

You see, Saturday, that's your only day. My mum and dad wouldn't do...

0:19:530:19:57

Well, they shouldn't be allowed to go on a Saturday, then. Why not?

0:19:570:19:59

Because it's our turn, and we're paying. Regis, you're awful.

0:19:590:20:03

ON RADIO: 'Well, the waiting list scandal

0:20:030:20:06

'in our hospitals is something

0:20:060:20:07

'we've promised you we're going to look at, and we're doing so...'

0:20:070:20:11

# What will we do when we get old?

0:20:110:20:13

# Will we walk down the same road?

0:20:130:20:15

# Will you be there...? #

0:20:150:20:17

ON RADIO: 'A County Antrim man who's been told he

0:20:170:20:19

'must wait 19 months before seeing a consultant

0:20:190:20:22

'at Musgrave Park Hospital says he fears he'll die before then.'

0:20:220:20:25

We should have the best health service in Europe.

0:20:250:20:29

We're a small part of the United Kingdom.

0:20:290:20:31

We're not that many a population.

0:20:310:20:34

Sure, the waiting times and everything,

0:20:340:20:38

I went to the doctor's the other week,

0:20:380:20:41

an appointment for 10 past 3,

0:20:410:20:44

went up for 3 o'clock, checked myself in,

0:20:440:20:47

blah blah blah, sits down waiting, 20 past 3, half three...

0:20:470:20:52

20 to 4.

0:20:520:20:53

It was half an hour past my waiting time,

0:20:530:20:55

I got up and I said to the girl, "I have an appointment here

0:20:550:20:59

"for 10 past 3, I want you to put in my records that I was here."

0:20:590:21:02

She said, "Did you check in?"

0:21:020:21:04

I said, "It's you that looks stupid, not me, of course I checked in."

0:21:040:21:08

"Well, what's your name?" Onto the computer.

0:21:080:21:10

"Oh," she says, "you're next."

0:21:100:21:12

I said, "As far as I'm concerned, dear, I was next at 10 past 3.

0:21:120:21:15

"A doctor earns more than I do a year,

0:21:150:21:18

"so that means my half an hour of my day that I've just wasted

0:21:180:21:21

"is more valuable to me than it is to them."

0:21:210:21:24

I says, "I'm away", I walked out.

0:21:240:21:27

Oh, that's ridiculous. Half an hour past your waiting time.

0:21:270:21:30

It's people getting free prescriptions.

0:21:300:21:33

Yes, some people do need it, but do they need ALL of it?

0:21:330:21:37

Cos all of a sudden they think, "Och, I'll just get another box."

0:21:370:21:39

Yeah. Yeah. Just in case.

0:21:390:21:41

I would rather pay a nominal amount... Like a pound.

0:21:410:21:44

A pound for a prescription,

0:21:440:21:46

and I think that would add so much to the health budget.

0:21:460:21:50

But the last time I was there, my appointment was early,

0:21:500:21:53

and it was 20 past 9.

0:21:530:21:55

Right? I wasn't took in till half nine.

0:21:550:21:59

Now, if her surgery only started at 9 o'clock, at half nine,

0:21:590:22:03

she's running ten minutes late.

0:22:030:22:05

So she's losing half an hour per hour,

0:22:050:22:09

so that's nine hours in her working day

0:22:090:22:11

and she's losing half an hour every hour, so if you have

0:22:110:22:14

an appointment at five she's not going to see you till half nine!

0:22:140:22:17

Was it a female doctor then? It was, aye. Well...

0:22:170:22:20

SIREN WAILS

0:22:250:22:26

Remember your eye, Laura? What?

0:22:270:22:30

Remember we had to go private because the waiting time was...

0:22:300:22:35

I pulled a dressing gown down off a door and then...

0:22:350:22:39

The belt came down and hit you.

0:22:390:22:40

You know the wee bit that sticks up on the belt?

0:22:400:22:43

Came down and hit me in the eye and, like, punctured it.

0:22:430:22:46

There was loads of blood lying in the bottom of my eye

0:22:460:22:48

and I couldn't see or anything.

0:22:480:22:49

But you didn't believe me for like a month.

0:22:490:22:51

It wasn't a month, Laura, it was about three days.

0:22:510:22:54

No, Mummy, it was a month. I was like, "Urgh, I can't see."

0:22:540:22:57

But you were always gurning when you were wee, there was

0:22:570:22:59

always something wrong with you. Still is.

0:22:590:23:01

I was blind. "Still is."

0:23:010:23:04

SHE LAUGHS

0:23:040:23:06

I have gained so much from the National Health that really,

0:23:150:23:21

if I was to have paid for all the treatment I've had over the years,

0:23:210:23:25

I would be bankrupt, if I was in any other country.

0:23:250:23:29

So I am very grateful for it and always ready to defend them.

0:23:290:23:34

Our National Health, because it's free,

0:23:340:23:37

there's no value in anything that's free, I don't think.

0:23:370:23:39

Yeah, fair enough.

0:23:390:23:41

But I do think that the NHS is under major pressure

0:23:430:23:46

because it's been abused.

0:23:460:23:47

Right, just drop me here, will you? It's been over-used.

0:23:470:23:51

INDICATOR CLICKS

0:23:510:23:52

SHE PRESSES BUTTON REPEATEDLY

0:23:570:24:00

LAUGHING: The seat belt! Got it.

0:24:000:24:02

Goodbye! Bye.

0:24:040:24:06

What time did she come in at last night? Did you hear her coming in?

0:24:110:24:15

No, I was sleeping.

0:24:150:24:17

Well, I never went to bed to quarter to 12

0:24:170:24:19

and there was still no sign of her.

0:24:190:24:20

She was hardly out partying, like.

0:24:230:24:24

No, she was in her wee friend's house, but that's not the point.

0:24:240:24:28

# I want you to know that it's our time

0:24:310:24:35

# You and me bleed the same light

0:24:350:24:38

# I want you to know that I'm all yours

0:24:380:24:42

# You and me, we're the same force... #

0:24:420:24:45

I say a prayer for myself,

0:24:450:24:47

cos your driving is absolutely atrocious.

0:24:470:24:49

Haven't crashed yet. It doesn't matter, it's atrocious.

0:24:490:24:52

I don't mean I haven't crashed on this journey,

0:24:520:24:55

I haven't crashed in ten years' driving...

0:24:550:24:58

You have been up more slip roads than Damon Hill...

0:24:580:25:02

has been on Formula 1 slip roads.

0:25:020:25:04

Have a lovely day. Yes, you too, well, give us a text later on. OK.

0:25:070:25:11

See you later, big fella. Take it easy, mate.

0:25:110:25:14

MUSIC: I Want You To Know by Zedd blasts from stereo

0:25:140:25:18

Cos sometimes English doesn't work for me.

0:25:220:25:25

Oh, can you stop talking now?

0:25:250:25:26

Can YOU stop talking? I've stopped. OK. Shh!

0:25:260:25:30

And...shh. Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.

0:25:300:25:34

I'm going to lose that one.

0:25:360:25:37

SHE CHUCKLES

0:25:380:25:40

Always the same thing.

0:25:410:25:43

Ring for an appointment for the doctor, "What's wrong with you?"

0:25:430:25:46

What does the receptionist need to know? Oh, yes.

0:25:460:25:48

See the last day, I says to her...

0:25:480:25:50

"Oh, what's wrong with you, Mr O'Neill?"

0:25:500:25:52

I says, "It's my third testicle, it's bigger than the other two."

0:25:520:25:56

Oh, silence on the end of the phone.

0:25:560:25:58

Tell her something like that there, aye.

0:25:580:26:00

"My third testicle's bigger than the other two."

0:26:000:26:03

All right. OK? Yes. All right, sweetie, bye. Bye. Love you.

0:26:060:26:11

Bye. Don't slam...

0:26:110:26:12

BANG ..the door.

0:26:120:26:14

You buy contraceptives out of... How do you know I buy them?

0:26:140:26:17

Cos you told me you buy them from a German company

0:26:170:26:19

cos they're cheaper,

0:26:190:26:20

but them's the one you told me three months ago...

0:26:200:26:22

I want to get back to this story at Christmas

0:26:220:26:24

when you said it ripped on you.

0:26:240:26:25

You told me you made love to a girl and it ripped on you,

0:26:250:26:28

and it was cheap shit.

0:26:280:26:30

Well, I don't, I can't...

0:26:320:26:34

Well, if you're going to be a liar, be a good liar.

0:26:340:26:36

I remember what you told me,

0:26:360:26:38

you told me the whole thing ripped up the side.

0:26:380:26:41

You told me that! You said to me...

0:26:410:26:45

Maybe size is a factor in that, I'm not boasting.

0:26:450:26:48

I have seen it, I've seen it at work, yes, it is well there, but...

0:26:480:26:54

Well, why do you stare?

0:26:540:26:56

It's natural for any boy, if you go into a men's toilet,

0:26:560:26:59

if you're in a pub, it's natural,

0:26:590:27:01

cos when you're standing there, you do look down, don't you?

0:27:010:27:04

You don't go in and say, "Oh, I must stand and hold this here."

0:27:040:27:07

# Cos I'm a man, woman

0:27:070:27:11

# Don't always think before I do

0:27:130:27:17

# Cos I'm a man, woman... #

0:27:190:27:23

You're telling me... You're telling me by the sounds of it.

0:27:230:27:27

You're telling me...

0:27:270:27:29

that when you go to a public toilet... Right, right, yes.

0:27:290:27:32

..that you would not, you just open your fly and stand there

0:27:320:27:35

and have a...

0:27:350:27:37

I put my head up, aye. Your head up?

0:27:370:27:39

Why would I be interested in some man's...?

0:27:390:27:42

But why did you go to the Christmas do

0:27:420:27:44

and come out with your shoes soaking?

0:27:440:27:46

And the end of your belt was absolutely... In urine.

0:27:460:27:51

Cos I was slightly pissed. No, because you looked up!

0:27:510:27:54

You never look down. Wee man's just speechless.

0:27:540:27:59

I can't tell him.

0:27:590:28:01

INDISTINCT

0:28:010:28:03

I tell you now, I tell you...

0:28:030:28:07

You need to remember what you're saying to me, telling you now.

0:28:070:28:10

I don't forget nothing.

0:28:120:28:14

# Cos I'm a man, woman

0:28:160:28:21

# I'll never be as strong as you

0:28:230:28:27

# I'm a human, human

0:28:290:28:33

# A greater force I answer to. #

0:28:360:28:40

He's in an exotic land. In the far reaches of northern Europe.

0:28:450:28:49

A place of unbelievable history, myth and legend.

0:28:490:28:53

I'm in Ireland.

0:28:530:28:54

Join Simon Reeve...

0:28:540:28:56

This is incredible.

0:28:560:28:58

..as he discovers a different kind of Ireland.

0:28:580:29:02

Why barefoot?

0:29:020:29:03

This is the proper way to do it.

0:29:030:29:04

We just want to live in the present and look towards the future.

0:29:040:29:07

It's an Ireland that I really didn't know.

0:29:070:29:09

A two-part series...

0:29:090:29:11

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