Episode 4 The Commute

Here in Northern Ireland, we're always on the road.

And we drive each other mad.

SHE LAUGHS

That man just stuck his tongue out at you.

We love nothing better than a good rant about politics.

Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.

Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.

Sit back, buckle up... Holy kabunga!

..it's The Commute.

MAUREEN LAUGHS

ON RADIO: 'Good morning, everyone, it is Wednesday morning...'

'..and the weather, showers mainly across the south and west today,

'merging into longer spells of rain.'

Good morning. Good morning, how are you today?

I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine. God, how bad is the weather?

SHE SIGHS

Anyway, sure... It'll brighten up again, it'll water the plants.

It's definitely hard sometimes in the morning.

Yep. Especially when you have a wee glass of wine or two in you

from the night before.

Ah, you weren't drinking AGAIN? I had a few, like.

What was the celebrations? The cat had five kittens.

This programme contains strong language.

It's the same every morning,

you're lying on and lying on and stressing everybody out.

Mummy, do you think the people of Newry want coffee

served by someone with no make-up on?

Yes, I know. Be a horrible sight. This face, Mum.

Well... My beautiful face! I know you're beautiful, Laura.

LAURA LAUGHS

Every mummy thinks their daughter's beautiful. Yeah, OK(!)

# You and I

# Just you and I... #

ON RADIO: 'Good morning, the Northern Ireland Assembly

'returns after its summer break today.

'The secretary of state Theresa Villiers said that

'if there is no agreement on welfare reform...'

You all right? SIGHING: Aye.

'..the government will take back the power to legislate

'on the issue from Westminster.'

OK left. Politics is a dirty game,

but they've got to have a bit of respect for one another.

Sure, all they want to do is fight and argue with each other.

They're like children.

Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.

That's what it's like, a school playground.

Oh, I know. I know.

# And I don't think we can solve them

# You made a really deep cut

# And, baby, now we got bad blood... #

As far as I'm concerned,

no matter what happens in Stormont, Northern Ireland's broke.

And just has no money. So I don't know what's going to happen to us.

They couldn't decide on the colour of dung up at Stormont, like.

ADAM LAUGHS So they couldn't.

Wild.

All I know is that I'm fed up at listening to them

arguing with one another,

and I do hope and pray that some day they would agree to differ

and meet and that Northern Ireland would be a better place.

The social budget,

I know there are lots of people who genuinely need help and I have

no problem with that,

but there are also lots of people who are swinging the lead.

Not saying there's a whole lot, but there are a few.

But sure, they'll never change it now. No, it's too easy.

They need to grow a set of balls, know what I mean?

When Maggie Thatcher died, she was a donor,

she was carrying a donor card,

and she left Cameron her bollocks.

Cos that's what they need. That's not nice. No, but they do.

I don't know, there's too much orange-green stuff, to be honest.

Aye. And in fairness, the likes of that welfare bill,

it doesn't matter what you are or what religion or colour.

..milking the system. Yeah, flippin' right it is.

He looks awfully cross in the morning. Awfully rude.

Awfully cross in the morning. I hate an old busted bake like that.

Well, I suppose we don't know what's going on in the wee man's life. No.

Maybe his marmalade wasn't ready this morning.

You know, I often think I would make a very good politician.

I think I would make a good politician.

Let's be honest here,

if I was running the country the place would be better.

No. Yes. No.

Keep her in the fast lane. Oh, fuck. Where the fuck are you going?!

Clamp it.

Look at that there.

All the MLAs, they need to do...

Do you know what they need us to do? A drama workshop.

They need us to do a drama workshop, some role-playing...

No, but you see... No, no... But they wouldn't do that.

This is a fantastic idea! No, listen!

But they wouldn't do that because musical theatre

and everything's like...gay.

Now we're sucking diesel. Just stop, Connor, just stop.

Look - what are you smiling for? Just drive.

Now they're not looking, absolute useless... Muppets. Women drivers!

Ooh, feck. Mum... Well, he's coming up there a bit fast, isn't he?

I hate this road. You'd know it was a man anyway.

Meh.

Women are better drivers.

Do you think? Absolutely. We multitask better.

Which means we can organise the family in the car

AND drive carefully.

Hi-ya!

Woo!

Wee wave and all.

Is it the way my hair is? Must be.

Ahh.

Were you a bad-tempered woman, Martha? No, I wasn't.

Were you calm and composed? Yes.

Collected, yes.

Yes, you strike me as a wee calm and composed person.

I know, but my husband wasn't a bit calm. Was he not?! No.

I never let on I heard him. So I didn't. And he had to shut up.

..could actually write an e-mail now, as I'm thinking.

If I had some sort of brainwave I could...

You could write it now. Do you want me write it? Yes, do.

I honestly think that I should suggest that

I do performing arts workshops at Stormont.

Where...

We'll do the introduction thing, we could do the "Hello, my name is...

"Peter Robinson." And then get Peter Robinson to make a noise.

HE LAUGHS

"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack!" You know?

They have to introduce themselves by name and then we do that,

and then we do some...

noise. Some drama face things and stuff.

And then we teach them song Over the Rainbow.

What do you think? You're actually doing this, aren't you?

What are you actually writing down, darling?

"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack. Over the Rainbow."

SHE LAUGHS

Any more, no? There's two more, you're all right, sit there.

All right.

Take it easy.

ON RADIO: 'It's eight o'clock.

'First up, the DUP is set to meet the Secretary of State today to

'discuss the political crisis at Stormont.'

IN IRISH:

SHE LAUGHS THEN STOPS SUDDENLY

# Cos everything is changing, and I know... #

Tell you what, if I become an MP one day... You SHOULD be an MP.

Aye, I'd have the wee man as my sidekick, and yourself.

We'd be running, eh...

I tell you what, there's one thing I'll be getting

straight into this fucking country, and that'll be equality.

You'll never get equality into this country. You won't.

Too many people live in the past.

We need to get into the 21st century,

we need to get a referendum for the gay rights, without a doubt.

Definitely. And if they want, they can even invite...

I'll even do the Pride, we'll walk the Pride, the three of us,

we'll lead it. Not a problem.

Yep, MPs, they should be sitting down round a table now,

following the south.

Oh, easy, easy. Go down this way. Oh, GO this way?

This way, this way, indicate.

I sometime have amazing, genius ideas

and that is probably one of the best ones I have ever had.

To be honest, your internal monologue probably thinks

everything is a genius idea.

Let's be honest here. It's like making vanilla cupcakes.

Did you think that was genius? Yeah. Yeah. Did that work? No. No.

# Ohh, I remember when this world was my own... #

I'm definitely more chirpy on a Friday.

Those boys with the bakery. Ashers?

Aye. What do you think? Och, it's...

They'll get some publicity out of that.

It'll sell cakes. Oh, it won't sell cakes. Oh, it will.

It will, their sales will go through the roof cos of that.

High-profile case.

It's so absolutely stupid that those two went to try and...

Digso!

Don't think he could hear you!

..ask that company Ashers, they wouldn't make the cake.

I'd make the man a cake!

I'm good at chocolate gateaux.

I think it's their decision if they want to do it or not.

Yes.

Everybody should live together and get on together and live in harmony,

and respect...respect people, that's the word.

Respect people's views.

And in this case, it didn't happen.

If that's their beliefs,

and if someone goes for an interview who's part of that community...

They wouldn't let them in. See, that's illegal. That is illegal.

So that's a much bigger thing.

And surely there's something to look at there to see

if they are employing LBGT people.

I hate the LGBT thing. Gosh, it's actually labelling people now.

It is! Like a jam jar.

Everyone has to have a label nowadays. Uh-huh.

ALL: Morning!

WOMAN YAWNS

I'm not getting any better at parking. Where did you park?

I've just abandoned it again. No, it's fine.

I think parking spaces are getting thinner. They are! Definitely.

Saying that, I'm putting weight on! And cars are getting heavier.

ON RADIO: 'It's the row which will not go away -

'should gay marriage be made legal in Northern Ireland?'

This whole issue about people...

I know it says in the Bible that marriage should be between a man

and a woman, it says a lot of other things in the Bible that

probably won't ring true today.

But the Bible is the truth, the Bible does tell the truth.

But when you into the Bible, sure,

there's another can of worms you can open.

We'll not go down that...

But, sure, it's a book. I know. Know what I mean?

It's a record, it's not a book, it's a record.

Of what happened. But...

Well, why do them things claimed that happened in it,

why does things like that not happen today?

Why there's people starving, why can somebody not go and feed them

with a loaf and two fish?

No, that's not... When we go to Scotland, we have to get a boat.

Moses could have walked!

Sure, it's never recorded in history,

science is more advanced now.

Look at the other side of the coin, you're just flipping about. No.

Yeah, correct, a debate.

I think there'll be woman priests soon. Aye.

Well, there should be women, cos women are marrying women

and men are marrying...

The world's changing and the church has to change with it.

Of course, it's the 21st century.

This would heal Northern Ireland with performing arts.

I like the way I dress right now.

In 60 years' time, people will not believe this all went on. No.

We'll all be equal. Everybody will be equal.

They'll have found something else, something else will be formed,

half-dog, half-man.

To moan about. Uh-huh. Well, it needs to keep Stormont in business.

Because really, what else do they do?

The biggest clowns, up there.

That's just a pantomime, don't even talk about it, cos it's so bad,

and you know the big salaries they're getting? Uh-huh.

Who's paying for them?

Us. And I think you hit the nail on the head

saying it's the biggest pantomime, I mean, look at the ugly sisters.

There's not one of them good-looking. No.

Not one of them you would want to turn the volume up.

And there's not a good shoe in the place. LAUGHING: No.

# Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom... #

HE BLOWS HORN

# Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome

# So handsome... #

Did you see that craic about your fella Jenner changed

himself from a man to a woman?

The Kardashians' dad or something. What?!

Have you seen Bruce? Have YOU seen Bruce?

No, Caitlin watched that stuff... Caitlyn's his name!

Caitlyn's his name!

What? Her name is Caitlyn. What are you on about?

Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner.

And a picture on the front of Vogue. No way!

Wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier style corset.

And they are so glam, and really, I don't know. Him and the wife?

No, they're separated. Oh, they're separated?

They're separated a while, a good while.

He was married to the Kardashians' mother. Right.

Who's now a woman, a full-on... Caitlyn Jenner woman.

Well, each to their own. And he would be popping into a court shoe.

Yeah. Although he was on the cover of Vanity Fair,

and I have to say, he looked fantastic.

Well, maybe he always really was a woman.

I think he always was, he always had a plucked eyebrow.

Has he not got the lad cut off and all, like?

He hasn't got it cut off already, has he?

Do they even cut it off? They do something with it, like.

It's not like you'd take a month to think about it.

I don't know. I don't think they even cut it off.

I don't know whether they split the lad

and then just roll it up inside you.

NATHAN LAUGHS

I don't actually know. What way do you...? What way do you pee?

I think you pee like a girl. It'd be like a garden hose.

HE SNORTS

Spin...! Spin out! Oh, dear.

Do his kids still call him "Daddy"?

Cos he's a girl?

Telling you though, it's all a load of lies. It's all...?

He's done it because they were losing ratings, and he goes,

"I'll take one for the team."

Not realising that he can't really switch back.

The worst thing is women drivers.

Huh? Women drivers.

I don't like slagging women cos I quite like women,

but by fuck, they can't drive.

Well, I could never, when I was learning to drive, I would always go

right round Portrush so I would be heading home, cos I couldn't reverse.

THEY LAUGH

I shouldn't have been on the roads at all.

Ha, he's picking his nose and eating it. Ohh-ho-ho!

Where are you going? I thought we were going this way - no? No?

That man there's just stuck his tongue out at you. Who?

That one there in that silver car.

He should have cleaned it first.

With his teeth? It was like a carpet. Oh, dear.

Why are we sitting here?

TYRES SCREECH Whoa, what's that all about!? Hey!

What is...? What the...? Whoa, whoa!

Holy kabunga!

Slow down there.

Oh, you're all right, just being on these...,

know what I mean, mate?

Listen, if you want to keep this up,

you'll be swiftly getting dropped off.

You can get the bus. Public transport in Northern Ireland?

No problem, sir.

You clearly haven't been on public transport in Northern Ireland then.

No, not in about...

HE EXHALES

..11 years. There you go.

ON RADIO: 'A South Belfast MLA has criticised

'the city centre bus lane scheme that's left motorists

'confused and on the receiving end of fines.'

In some cases you're going to be in a bus lane for a few seconds. Yeah.

But they're going to prosecute you.

Surely there can't be cameras covering every inch of the bus lane?

It can only be fixed cameras in certain areas,

like a speed camera, surely? No, they have mobile ones as well.

They're going to have a van and it'll sit in places where...

Probably peak times where people are breaking the rules.

That's going to make money, right enough. Oh, aye.

It's a money-making exercise.

It's not about traffic flow.

Somebody sitting in an office, thinking these great ideas up,

"This is how we make money."

Do you get a ticket if you go in a bus lane? Yeah, I think so.

Oh, dear. To be honest, I'm never in the centre of Belfast, so I don't...

I'll just go and if I get stopped, "No English."

"Go back to your country!"

And I'm like, "I know English, you just said... That's racist!"

Sure, the council have a private security firm contracted

for a man to walk the tide bank.

To watch for people's dogs shiteing.

Instead of getting somebody to lift it, he walks the tide bank

dressed like anybody else and if he sees a dog shiteing, he fines you.

Oh.

Do you know what they're starting to do,

in Dagenham and Barking or somewhere, DNA testing dog poo. Brilliant.

Shut up. No, I swear, it's true.

And it's called "Poo Profiles", is the company.

And they take the dog's DNA when they get microchipped or whatever.

And then if there's poo lying, they're going to test it.

So what, does Mr Officer come to your door - "Excuse me..."

"Excuse me, I have some poo here."

In a sample bag. Yeah. Exhibit A.

There's William. Give him a wee toot. Too-too-toot.

Give him a toot.

HE BEEPS HORN

Ah! He's got his dog poo bag with him. Oh, dear.

But people have to do that now, they have to lift it.

I know you have to lift it, but you don't swing it in the air

when you're waving.

You know, I thought that last budget, they were going to

take off the passes for the over-70s,

or whatever the age is.

I thought they were going to take those free bus passes off us,

but they haven't done that, which is good.

Oh. Because an awful lot of people I know use them.

Oh, for sure, I think they're a wonderful thing.

They allow older people to get out and about,

which not only is good for their physical health,

it's good for their mental health, it's just good every way I think.

They've got all those old people on the flaming trains taking our seats.

Regis! But you know, they're just out for...

No, you hear people, they get to 65, what do they do?

They go to Dublin for the day. At 60, you get your free...

Yeah, my mum and dad have just got theirs

and the other day they were away a wee trip.

Aye, well... I think it's lovely.

Well, if they've worked all their lives and paid...

They're going on like a Wednesday morning,

they're not really taking up any space.

You see, Saturday, that's your only day. My mum and dad wouldn't do...

Well, they shouldn't be allowed to go on a Saturday, then. Why not?

Because it's our turn, and we're paying. Regis, you're awful.

ON RADIO: 'Well, the waiting list scandal

'in our hospitals is something

'we've promised you we're going to look at, and we're doing so...'

# What will we do when we get old?

# Will we walk down the same road?

# Will you be there...? #

ON RADIO: 'A County Antrim man who's been told he

'must wait 19 months before seeing a consultant

'at Musgrave Park Hospital says he fears he'll die before then.'

We should have the best health service in Europe.

We're a small part of the United Kingdom.

We're not that many a population.

Sure, the waiting times and everything,

I went to the doctor's the other week,

an appointment for 10 past 3,

went up for 3 o'clock, checked myself in,

blah blah blah, sits down waiting, 20 past 3, half three...

20 to 4.

It was half an hour past my waiting time,

I got up and I said to the girl, "I have an appointment here

"for 10 past 3, I want you to put in my records that I was here."

She said, "Did you check in?"

I said, "It's you that looks stupid, not me, of course I checked in."

"Well, what's your name?" Onto the computer.

"Oh," she says, "you're next."

I said, "As far as I'm concerned, dear, I was next at 10 past 3.

"A doctor earns more than I do a year,

"so that means my half an hour of my day that I've just wasted

"is more valuable to me than it is to them."

I says, "I'm away", I walked out.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Half an hour past your waiting time.

It's people getting free prescriptions.

Yes, some people do need it, but do they need ALL of it?

Cos all of a sudden they think, "Och, I'll just get another box."

Yeah. Yeah. Just in case.

I would rather pay a nominal amount... Like a pound.

A pound for a prescription,

and I think that would add so much to the health budget.

But the last time I was there, my appointment was early,

and it was 20 past 9.

Right? I wasn't took in till half nine.

Now, if her surgery only started at 9 o'clock, at half nine,

she's running ten minutes late.

So she's losing half an hour per hour,

so that's nine hours in her working day

and she's losing half an hour every hour, so if you have

an appointment at five she's not going to see you till half nine!

Was it a female doctor then? It was, aye. Well...

SIREN WAILS

Remember your eye, Laura? What?

Remember we had to go private because the waiting time was...

I pulled a dressing gown down off a door and then...

The belt came down and hit you.

You know the wee bit that sticks up on the belt?

Came down and hit me in the eye and, like, punctured it.

There was loads of blood lying in the bottom of my eye

and I couldn't see or anything.

But you didn't believe me for like a month.

It wasn't a month, Laura, it was about three days.

No, Mummy, it was a month. I was like, "Urgh, I can't see."

But you were always gurning when you were wee, there was

always something wrong with you. Still is.

I was blind. "Still is."

SHE LAUGHS

I have gained so much from the National Health that really,

if I was to have paid for all the treatment I've had over the years,

I would be bankrupt, if I was in any other country.

So I am very grateful for it and always ready to defend them.

Our National Health, because it's free,

there's no value in anything that's free, I don't think.

Yeah, fair enough.

But I do think that the NHS is under major pressure

because it's been abused.

Right, just drop me here, will you? It's been over-used.

INDICATOR CLICKS

SHE PRESSES BUTTON REPEATEDLY

LAUGHING: The seat belt! Got it.

Goodbye! Bye.

What time did she come in at last night? Did you hear her coming in?

No, I was sleeping.

Well, I never went to bed to quarter to 12

and there was still no sign of her.

She was hardly out partying, like.

No, she was in her wee friend's house, but that's not the point.

# I want you to know that it's our time

# You and me bleed the same light

# I want you to know that I'm all yours

# You and me, we're the same force... #

I say a prayer for myself,

cos your driving is absolutely atrocious.

Haven't crashed yet. It doesn't matter, it's atrocious.

I don't mean I haven't crashed on this journey,

I haven't crashed in ten years' driving...

You have been up more slip roads than Damon Hill...

has been on Formula 1 slip roads.

Have a lovely day. Yes, you too, well, give us a text later on. OK.

See you later, big fella. Take it easy, mate.

MUSIC: I Want You To Know by Zedd blasts from stereo

Cos sometimes English doesn't work for me.

Oh, can you stop talking now?

Can YOU stop talking? I've stopped. OK. Shh!

And...shh. Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.

I'm going to lose that one.

SHE CHUCKLES

Always the same thing.

Ring for an appointment for the doctor, "What's wrong with you?"

What does the receptionist need to know? Oh, yes.

See the last day, I says to her...

"Oh, what's wrong with you, Mr O'Neill?"

I says, "It's my third testicle, it's bigger than the other two."

Oh, silence on the end of the phone.

Tell her something like that there, aye.

"My third testicle's bigger than the other two."

All right. OK? Yes. All right, sweetie, bye. Bye. Love you.

Bye. Don't slam...

BANG ..the door.

You buy contraceptives out of... How do you know I buy them?

Cos you told me you buy them from a German company

cos they're cheaper,

but them's the one you told me three months ago...

I want to get back to this story at Christmas

when you said it ripped on you.

You told me you made love to a girl and it ripped on you,

and it was cheap shit.

Well, I don't, I can't...

Well, if you're going to be a liar, be a good liar.

I remember what you told me,

you told me the whole thing ripped up the side.

You told me that! You said to me...

Maybe size is a factor in that, I'm not boasting.

I have seen it, I've seen it at work, yes, it is well there, but...

Well, why do you stare?

It's natural for any boy, if you go into a men's toilet,

if you're in a pub, it's natural,

cos when you're standing there, you do look down, don't you?

You don't go in and say, "Oh, I must stand and hold this here."

# Cos I'm a man, woman

# Don't always think before I do

# Cos I'm a man, woman... #

You're telling me... You're telling me by the sounds of it.

You're telling me...

that when you go to a public toilet... Right, right, yes.

..that you would not, you just open your fly and stand there

and have a...

I put my head up, aye. Your head up?

Why would I be interested in some man's...?

But why did you go to the Christmas do

and come out with your shoes soaking?

And the end of your belt was absolutely... In urine.

Cos I was slightly pissed. No, because you looked up!

You never look down. Wee man's just speechless.

I can't tell him.

INDISTINCT

I tell you now, I tell you...

You need to remember what you're saying to me, telling you now.

I don't forget nothing.

# Cos I'm a man, woman

# I'll never be as strong as you

# I'm a human, human

# A greater force I answer to. #

He's in an exotic land. In the far reaches of northern Europe.

A place of unbelievable history, myth and legend.

I'm in Ireland.

Join Simon Reeve...

This is incredible.

..as he discovers a different kind of Ireland.

Why barefoot?

This is the proper way to do it.

We just want to live in the present and look towards the future.

It's an Ireland that I really didn't know.

A two-part series...