Episode 1 Prison - From the Inside

This programme contains strong language from the start and scenes

which some viewers may find upsetting

I was taking meth and I hadn't known anything would start from it.

I noticed a knife and just looked at him,

he looked down at the knife and looked at me and then I grabbed it.

Stabbed him.

Know what I mean?

Better him than me.

I wasn't getting stabbed. No chance.

No chance of that happening.

No chance that I'm getting stabbed my own house.

No chance of it.

Karma, is a bitch, you know what I mean?

I probably have some karma coming my way to get me, but, sure,

if you're ready, you know what I mean?

I'm ready for it.

I choosed him over me and I would do it again and again and again,

so I would.

Know what I mean?

Don't think about him whenever you're off your face, so you don't.

I didn't think of him whenever I was putting it in and out him,

know what I mean?

Through my years of drinking, like, you know,

I ended up in police cells with a bit of fighting and stuff like that,

you know, but this is completely different this time, you know.

It's changed me, it has.

Being took away from your loved ones each day, you know,

and time to think about my own life and how...

The journey to now.

It hasn't been good, like, you know, but...

I just don't know, I just don't know.

I grew up with an older brother

and my mother and father.

And my older brother,

he fell through a roof at the age of ten and died.

And my mother and father could never...

They couldn't get over it at all, so they turned to alcohol.

And from a young age -

I was eight at the time my brother died -

all I seen in the house was alcohol and...

..fighting and violence, you know.

From a very early age,

and that's all I can remember from my childhood.

I would say probably at the age of 14

I think I took my first drink.

I just loved it right away, you know, and it made me feel different.

It gave me more confidence.

Just made me feel part of the...

the gang, know what I mean?

Love is a funny thing.

I think over the boys' side they would get a better view -

they would have the animals,

they would have the goats and sheep,

so they would have over there to look at, like.

I have, like, I suppose nothing really over there.

But, aye, as you say, at least I've got a wee bit of a view.

Just keep looking there every night.

And I'll be out. I'll be out.

I had a good upbringing, really,

up till the age of 18,

and then everything started sloping downhill.

I got involved in the wrong crowd,

started taking drugs, drank,

then that period of time went on for a while,

and then I basically became homeless and at some stage

I started taking legal highs.

They turned into big addiction problems for me for about two years.

I just started off at parties and everybody else was doing it,

and I thought I'll go ahead

and take ecstasy, take cannabis.

They were, like, partying from the Thursday to the Sunday.

But I came off all them and I was just mostly only having a drink.

My problem was I couldn't say no to people.

And that's how I lost my house.

I ended up feeling sorry for somebody in a hostel,

basically, and they started to rouse the neighbours,

and then I got two eviction notes and then I became homeless.

To feed my addiction, I had to go out to thieve.

And it wasn't just basically for myself,

I don't know, it was for other people as well.

And as I says, I did think these people were my friends

and when I came off the legal highs, my phone stopped ringing.

Imprisonment is not, or being in prison is not punishment.

Coming to prison is the punishment. The deprivation of one's liberty

taken by the court is the punishment.

Imprisonment is about understanding how somebody finds themselves here

and starting upon the journey of rehabilitation.

Often, people's lives are in chaos.

There's homelessness, there's hopelessness,

there's despair.

There's educational concerns about levels of literacy, numeracy.

For some, they've got concerns in respect of drug abuse,

alcohol abuse, domestic violence.

We've got learned behaviour.

People have been used to doing something

for a significant part of their life.

But we've got to try and break that cycle, we've got to try

and give people opportunity, give them faith, give them hope.

We have to rebuild that fracture that's occurred

while they've been in the community.

Can we change everybody's lives? No, we're not that good.

No such person exists.

My belief is that you can get many people to a point

whereby they begin to reflect on what they've done.

I don't believe you make people change their mind,

I think you take them to a point whereby

they're awakened themselves to what they've done.

I've seen and talked to many prisoners about...

A light starts to glow, and it's how we can build on that.

But it's like everything else, it's a case of getting people

to a point where they are far more receptive to it.

At school I was a bit of a messer.

The secondary school, they says to my mum

they've never seen any pupil with a worse record in over 25 years,

in La Salle Boys in Andersonstown.

And it's basically just attention seeking, I was,

just wanting to be the class clown, as they say.

I done my level one and two in painting down in Twin Spires,

and I got kicked out of there for smoking cannabis in the toilets.

And then I started hanging around with people, like,

who were into robbing shops

and burgling houses and stealing cars, car keys, and just...

Then I seen what they were doing and seen the money

that they were making and I just joined along with it.

And liked it.

It was an experience, it was a buzz,

it was a good feeling of police chasing us

and getting away and stuff.

And then having lots of money at the end of the night

and having a drink, being able to stay out all night with new friends,

with having girls and all, having parties and stuff.

It was just the thing in West Belfast

that was happening at the time.

And it was enjoyable.

INTERVIEWER: Back then, did you think at all about the people

whose houses you were going into or whose cars you were taking?

No.

I didn't think about the people or how they felt.

All we were thinking about was the buzz at the time

and getting the key and driving away,

and going over 100mph and stuff

and selling it, maybe, the next morning and...

Getting new clothes and new Nike Air Max and stuff

and getting takeaways.

Two well-known men from the estate,

I'm not going to say who they are,

but they gave me a warning

and says if it carries on I'll be severely dealt with.

And obviously it never took...

I never took no heed of it and I still carried on.

I never seen them.

I was always out during the night working...

Well, as I say, working.

Always out on the scope, looking for cars to steal.

My mum was caught bringing me in drugs.

I pressured her into doing it, know what I mean?

She's out now, like, only in two and half months.

She got early release.

It's my fault, like, but...

made sure she was taken care of in here right, know what I mean?

I'm told she was.

Everything's good, everything was good.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about growing up. Do you have happy memories?

All happy memories.

Wouldn't change it. Know what I mean?

All happy memories.

To tell you the truth, there's no really bad ones.

Except from the police busting the house and all the odd time,

but they never got anything, know what I mean?

That's it.

They thought my dad was selling dope and grass and coke and all.

And was your dad ever in prison, then?

Oh, yeah, he was.

He started taking blues and then that just...

changed him.

He's stopped taking all that now that he's back out,

so hopefully that's his last time.

Know what I mean?

I grew up without my real dad but I had my stepdad.

The best thing, like...

If I didn't have my stepdad, I would have no-one to look up to.

I call him my real dad, know what I mean?

Love him to bits, so I do.

When did you start getting into trouble with the police?

Just whenever...

A few boys thought they were acting hard,

so they were in their wee groups,

so I started carrying a knife with me.

Started smoking drugs, taking drugs.

It all changed for me.

Can't be safe out there, know what I mean?

All in their wee groups.

If you were walking home on your own, "What the fuck do you have?"

"Nothing."

It's just dodgy.

So what age would you have been around this time?

13, 14.

Probably before I got out of my teens, you know,

I had a trip to Crumlin Road.

Me and another friend, you know, one time, through violence.

I remember my mother being hysterical, you know,

when I was took out of the house by police.

That was just the start.

The start of my drinking career then was just depression

and fights and blackouts.

Didn't remember what I'd done or said to somebody.

Was took to court for assault and...

A right few times, you know,

when I was starting to come out of my late teens and...

early 20s.

That kept going on through the years.

I couldn't really hold a full-time job down.

Alcohol took care of that, you know.

Kept not being able to turn up, you know, on Mondays.

It used to be Mondays, but that kept being Mondays and Tuesdays,

and people just got fed up with me, you know.

But there were a lot of good people who kept by me,

stuck by me over the years and had patience with me.

But these people also ran out of patience with me too, you know.

50 years of age now and a lot of time to think here.

Many's the day and hour I think about when I get out again,

you know, think about all I'll be able to do without alcohol,

how I'm going to get by.

But...

This time I've come to a real rock bottom, you know, in my life.

It's going to be a life sentence, what I've done.

The guilt and the shame I feel, you know, the sorrow.

That's still not going to bring this man back, you know.

As I said, this man will never come back again.

I'm sorry, I just... Sorry, for a minute, just...

Just the guilt.

Drugs was the problem the last time but I'm off them,

Drugs was the problem the last time but I'm off them,

it'll be a year and four months now.

This is only over an argument.

I wasn't even drinking or drunk, so I wasn't.

I don't feel like me that came in, I was down and depressed a wee bit,

because it's like, "Oh, no, not this again.

"Not this whole routine again."

Not knowing when you're going to be locked,

not knowing your everyday schedule.

When you have it there, you know what you've got planned,

what you're going to do that day.

It's just not a life for anybody to be in, you know.

But, sure, the law, as it is, you have to be punished for what

you've done if you've done anything wrong.

But, no, it's not for me, like, definitely not for me.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about the shoplifting.

What would you do? What would you take? What happened?

I would take anything, anything that was going.

I was making bags up and, like, making of ?200-?300 a day,

like, for five months straight.

And I was able to control my addiction problem with legal highs,

smoking 13g because it was a tenner a packet.

So that's how I was able to do it.

All sorts of things from deodorants right up to aftershaves,

perfumes...

..clothing - anything if it was an easy thing.

And then what would you do with the stolen goods?

I would go to the people that wanted them

and I'd check a list

and give them out what they ordered.

Oh, I was always off my head, so I was.

So I didn't really care what was going on.

I wasn't even looking where basically the cameras were,

what was watching me, what wasn't watching me.

I was just in and out like a whippet, basically,

to get the job done.

I just didn't honestly care.

I was even caught lying straight in front of the person one time

and I says...

I had it up my sleeve and all that, I says,

"Doesn't matter, just go and get the police."

That's the stage as I was coming to here,

I just didn't care if I was stealing or not.

Just explain to me, Helen, what your record is.

It's mostly all theft.

A couple of disorderlies for drinking.

Assaults on police.

But that can be anything from a tap if you're restrained

or anything like that.

And threats to kill, in an argument, basically.

It's quite relaxing, when you're all on your own.

Especially when you've a lot of problems going on.

A lot of problems going on from outside and stuff.

And then people in here are trying to make time harder

because they know you're agreeing to the system.

Because I keep my head down and other people would rather

take drugs and do their time hard.

Now, as I'm getting a bit older, I know what way to do my job,

as I just walk away and just have the benefits of

what the jail can throw at me.

Do my time peacefully and carry on,

crack on and try and get into a better, enhanced regime.

Can't get much better than having a phone in my cell.

You just ring and talk away at night or whatever

to your family and friends.

You have your CD player,

your kettle of water and TV with DVD player,

your CDs.

But I'm looking forward to getting out and just getting on my feet

and getting contact with my wee daughter who I haven't met yet.

So I just hold that thought and just crack on with life in here

and get out as soon as I can so I can get all the good things

to come to me with meeting my kids again and stuff.

So, aye, hopefully get a job also when I'm released.

That's another main factor, getting a job when I get out,

going for my lessons

and getting my driving test instead of driving illegally.

Want to try and get legal.

I was basically drunk one night and I was on drugs,

I was on meth...

a legal high, and it was just an opportunity

and I seen a fella getting out of his taxi.

So I noticed that he'd closed the door behind him

and I went into the garden and took his key out

with the car key attached to it and took his car out for a spin,

and the police observed the car

going down the carriageway at over 100mph.

So they put the blue lights on and started chasing me,

where I then crashed within ten minutes of the...

the chase I crashed,

so I was caught on the scene and I pled guilty in court to it.

It was just a stupid thing to do that night when I was drunk

and I just thought... Just an opportunist.

An opportunist.

Also, I'm in for false imprisonment and AOBH

along with the burglary and the dangerous driving.

So I've got three years for each, each set of events.

I was out on bail for the false imprisonment and the AOBH

whilst I committed the burglary and the dangerous driving,

four weeks later whilst I was on bail.

Anybody could end up in prison.

One bad decision,

one bad judgment call.

And I've seen that in the 28 years I've been in this job

and I have witnessed families in bits,

families torn apart.

Families who'd never come in really under the...

even looked at the criminal justice system at all,

never mind the prison part, suddenly catapulted into that arena

with their loved ones locked up, facing maybe serious charges.

And I have witnessed and talked to, communicated with, you know,

people in that position.

And that can be a scary place.

I also see people who come in who would be familiar with the centre

or with the prison and who on the surface seem to cope with it

a lot better - they'd been in before.

But in my experience,

over the years, for people who keep reoffending, the impact...

..catches up with them.

It never ceases to amaze me that these records,

these records just didn't start with a criminal record

because these people, these youngsters,

these young men were highly visible for the most part.

They weren't hidden,

they were in our schools, you know?

They were known to other government agencies,

social services, Youth Justice.

They're known for all the wrong reasons.

But these are the challenges for our community.

These are the challenges for our wider society.

In 2006, in the United Kingdom, more children were affected

by the imprisonment of a parent than by divorce.

That's a staggering figure.

So why is there not a public debate about that?

And the knock-on effect from that is six out of ten boys

with a father in custody will come into custody themselves.

There are many, many aspects of

an intergenerational multiplier in play,

not just for those in custody but their immediate loved ones as well.

It's very much an active multiplier effect.

That morning...

..I was drinking through the night.

I don't think my wife even knew what I was drinking.

That day, I set out,

I hadn't got drink on my mind, but...

I went to that pub that day.

My wife had given me the keys. She thought I wasn't drinking and...

I got to the off-licence and I got the carry-out of drink

and got in the car.

About 300 yards outside...

I had hit the kerb and swerved straight across the road and onto...

a car, a family car, four people and I hit them head-on.

Erm... The last I can remember is being in hospital.

And I had my wife and daughter and our close friend there.

But deep down that day, I had done something terrible.

And I wasn't told until three days later that somebody had died

in the car accident.

And my life just fell apart at that time.

I was responsible...

responsible for this man's death.

This happened two a half years ago now and I still feel the same

shame and guilt that I did the day I was told about this man dying.

And...

All the sorrys I can say to this family,

it'll never bring this man back again.

I just pray...

and hope that nobody else...

will take this selfish decision what I've made and...

drink and drive.

That's what has destroyed a family...

and took a loved one away from his family and...

I've thought through this, this last two and a half years

and the words and the only thing I can say...

is still not enough.

It's a life sentence for that family and even to my own family.

Sorry, that's...

MUSIC PLAYS

The only way to provide is by selling drugs. Know what I mean?

It's a bad way to go because you start selling them,

you're going to start taking them.

It's the only way I could provide

because I have no fucking shit from school.

You know what I mean?

And even that, I still find it hard to provide for my family.

Still find it hard.

You know what I mean?

I wasn't a bad person, it's just drugs change everyone, so they do.

This one time I sat in a room with a girl and this wee boy.

He said to me... One of my mates was up having

a few joints in the bathroom.

He said something. Wee man.

Just said, "How you doing, wee man?"

And...

Stabbed him with a screwdriver.

Cos he was talking wee man whenever he was off his face.

Know what I mean? I don't talk wee man when I'm off my face.

I wouldn't be around him when I'm off my face.

Just the cheek of him, thinking that he could talk, "My wee man."

INTERVIEWER: Have drugs been a big part of your life?

Yes, very big part. Very big part.

Know what I mean?

Meth is a very big problem for me. You know what I mean?

I just take meth every day. Seven by seven, seven bags of it a day.

Know what I mean?

Gives you the best buzz of your life but look where it led me, like.

Why do you think violence has been such a big part of you?

Because it's all around me.

I grew up rough estate, grew up in a rough town.

Just the way it has to be.

If you aren't violent, people are going to try and fuck you about,

fuck your family about, so I'm not having it, know what I mean?

Not be happening in my family.

Not happening to me, either.

So...

Everyone's violent,

so you have to show them a wee bit of violence back.

What would you say to people who said, "I grew up in a difficult

"town, difficult estate and they didn't resort to violence?"

Fair play to them, fair play to them.

Then I would ask them if their father, were their

dad in jail and their wee brothers and all got took off them

and I was not allowed to see my son for a while,

were they not allowed to see their son?

Blah, blah, blah. Ask them that.

Did they take drugs? Ask them the same thing?

I would ask them, what would they do if someone came at you with

a knife and dropped it right in front of you?

I guarantee you, they would say the same answer as me -

I'd lift it and use it.

I think anyone would if they were feared.

Know what I mean?

What would you do?

Here's your discharge paperwork.

That's your notification to the social security to say that you've

been here and this is your money.

Sign there, please. There, yes? Mm-hm.

Thank you, that's great.

5, 15, 25, 45, 55.

My ears feel like they're getting sorted, thank you.

LAUGHTER I've got my ears back.

My mum and dad, they don't even know I'm in this time round.

They're strongly against all of that,

all the things that I've done, basically.

They wouldn't be happy at all.

They don't know I'm in, so I just kept it...

Make a phone call, make sure they are all right,

as long as I hear in their voice they're all right and they hear my

voice and are aware everything is going well.

And are you in a relationship, Helen? Do you have children?

No, no relationship.

I've got a child but I don't want to get into that, so I do.

She's in foster.

Maybe next year, it'll start face-to-face contact with her

again, writing letters.

It's her emotions, she can't say the goodbye part and I don't want

to get her upset when you've got her at the stage when she's doing

so well at school, getting her education behind her that she needs.

She's brilliant, so she is, she's doing really, really well.

My mum and dad keep me posted with that.

So I don't want her schoolwork sloping down.

I definitely do not want her to end up turning out the way I have done.

I recognise she'll be back, hopefully, in her teenage years,

so hopefully I'll clean up everything, I don't need...

There was more addictions to legal highs and that was the main thing

but I'm off them a year and four months, so...

If I could stick what I'm doing and not go down trying to

follow into anybody else's paths,

I'll have her back within a couple of years, I'm hoping so.

I want her to achieve things and go a lot further like I could've had

it all but I just didn't think...

I didn't want that. But this is her chance.

I want her to come out the best for her.

Are you all right, girl? Yeah. I didn't know you were back in.

Yeah, last time. Never again. When were you in?

Since July. Two and half months.

I didn't know you were back in. Did you not?

I can't even remember your wee face, anyway.

I suppose you don't want to remember.

Because if you're not coming back, I'm not bothered.

Definitely not coming back. OK, doll? Yes.

INTERVIEWER: How do you see your future?

I don't know, I don't know how to describe it but I think I'm

going to go far. I'm going to go far.

I've got a wee bit of faith in myself and I don't know where

I'm going to be but I won't be down the lines of drug or alcohol.

I'm just going to get out of the area I'm living in,

move house and maybe start fresh again.

Freedom.

My God.

We need to be careful that when we embark upon the journey of

rehabilitation, often with men and women who are broken,

that would give them a level of expectation which is legitimate.

What we don't do, is we set them on a path of false belief and

expectation on what they can achieve.

I've heard, in my career, too many men and women who have said,

"This time next year, I will be..."

And it'll be a successful businessman or,

"I will be in a job earning a very good rate of money."

They don't realise that society is not engaged in a place to be

able to welcome ex-offenders willingly back into society.

The chances of a person not finding employment is significant.

The chances of a person not finding stabilised accommodation

is equally significant.

That person having an opportunity back in society that they

think they have got a right to,

because they've served their time in prison,

may well find that a difficult position for them to engage in

and that might then send them back into, again, a spiral of decline

where they go back to committing offending and then, unfortunately,

find themselves back in the prison from which they just recently left.

MUSIC PLAYS

There is no one factor that says,

that's going to mean that that individual will come back into

jail because there are individuals who do live difficult lifestyles,

who don't come into jail.

Part of it is choice, people who make bad choices and who

consistently make bad choices will and can end up back in jail.

Certainly, the short-term prisoners have chaotic lifestyles

categorised by low educational attainment,

lack of stability in their home lives,

either in terms of relationships

where they live and also characterised by substance misuse,

and have limited, if any, job prospects.

I don't subscribe to the concept of a criminal underclass

or anything like that.

You know, the prisoner population here is reflective of society.

But the hope is that every person is capable of change and I think,

more importantly, is if they come back never to be disappointed

but to continue to try.

You know, at the end of the day, the role of a prison officer

is at a time when everyone else has given up.

He or she doesn't and continues to try.

INTERVIEWER: And how long was it then to the trial?

Two years.

Two years of...

depression...

and going in and out of mental hospitals for me

because I couldn't cope with what had happened.

Actually didn't want to live at that time.

My... My wife and daughter had told me that they'd be there for me.

That's the only reason I'm here, living today.

Did you see or speak to the victim's family during the court proceedings?

No, I hadn't got the opportunity to...

speak, stand up and speak to them.

The barrister done that.

My own pastor and a great friend is

going to come down and visit me here in prison

and I'm going to try and...

write a letter to the family, you know.

Just try, try somehow to tell them how sorry I am.

That's the only thing I can do.

Did you see them at the trial? Yes, I've seen them, yeah.

It was very, very hard, like, you know.

It was very hard to look their way, you know, and...

I could see the pain.

Could see the pain on each one of their faces, you know.

MUSIC PLAYS

I just don't know at the minute how I'm going to cope with the

future, you know, and...

At the minute, I just can't see one.

MUSIC PLAYS

INTERVIEWER: What happened to come back in?

I fell out with a boy and he rang me, told me to come down, meet him.

Me, full of coke and I grabbed a machete.

Put it down inside my trousers and walked down to meet him

and two police cars were sitting on the kerb. Police cars.

I run out and hit him with it and they grabbed me.

As soon as he grabbed me, I didn't know it was a pillar so I swung

it back and nearly clipped policeman with it and then I noticed...

and ran.

Then I hid the coke, threw the machete away,

threw the phones in the bin.

Swallowed the two sim cards.

Didn't want them knowing my business.

Madness. So why did you have to get rid of the phones?

Just... Just knew I had to get rid of them.

And the machete? It's quite a weapon. Yep.

So they recalled me and done me for possession of an offensive weapon,

causing an indictable offence, common assault, erm...

And that's it. I'm in breach of license, in breach of everything.

Failed the breathalyser, failed drug test, all that shit.

Back in.

I have 11 months left and then I'm out.

Can't do fuck all about it, so they can't. Smile every time I see them.

Even give them the odd wave too, know what I mean?

Let them know I'm about. Fuck them, I hate them.

Why do you hate them? They're just scumbags. Just scumbags.

Can't do nothing out there.

I bring my wain to the park or something and I'm getting searched.

Maybe if they're in a bad day or their wife didn't give out,

or something, that night, I'd be down for a strip search.

They find nothing on me. I went to the shop once

and got three police cars, three different searches

five minutes down the road, know what I mean?

I reported it to the Police Ombudsman,

nothing done about it. Know what I mean?

Every time they see me, they stop me.

I know I have my past but people move on from the past.

It's them that's stopping and searching me every day.

Maybe they need to go out and get drunk or sniff meth,

to fucking deal with all the shit that's going on.

I've had enough shit to deal with

instead of the police stopping me and searching me every time,

know what I mean?

MUSIC PLAYS

Four children, three boys and one girl.

I've two boys to one girl, she is now living in Birmingham.

She gave them up, so she did.

And then I have another one to another girl, another son.

The two ex-partners with the two sons, the relationship was volatile.

A lot of jealousy going on, so there was.

And on both sides, on my side and their sides.

And the social workers got involved and started saying what I had done,

that I had pled guilty to assault on her when she was

six months pregnant and stuff like that.

I contested the next day but the barrister told me if I wanted

to get out, the last time I was in, that I would have to plead guilty.

If I didn't, then they would find me guilty because of previous...

previous records, previous...

INTERVIEWER: So you were convicted of assault on your ex-partner? Yep.

And had that happened before?

It has happened before.

With the social worker also getting involved

where she dislocated her shoulder.

So there was a lot of violence? A lot of violence, yeah.

Is it something you think back on now?

Yep.

What do you think about it now?

Just wish I had dealt with it better back then.

I would've took two steps back and took deep breaths and

probably wouldn't have the convictions on my record today.

MUSIC PLAYS

Looking forward to having the positives in my life

that are going to change my life.

Don't look back on the past because the past will only haunt me.

It was very hard, so it was, and when I came in,

I was taken a party drug called Magic and my head wasn't in

the right state of mind and I was trying to commit suicide.

I was tying ligatures on my throat

and trying to strangle myself to death,

and on three or four occasions,

I was put on the safer cell for at least just over two months.

And I...

I got a lot of help off the staff back then.

I've been drugs-free from coming into prison now near 13 months

and just hope when I get out,

that I won't be tempted, that hopefully it all works out

for me when I get out and just

stay away from people with criminal records and stuff.

Focus on my life with my kids and my family and myself

trying to get myself independent and stuff.

Aye.

Tell me about the football when you were young. North End.

Played for them when I was younger over at Preston for nine months.

Played there, had a few good games. Actually all of them were good.

Good bit of craic, good coaches, know what I mean?

Were you good? Did you have trials? Aye, yeah, I was good, like.

I was good.

But then things change. Can't do nothing about it.

MUSIC PLAYS

My uncle died and it just changed me, know what I mean? Changed me.

Couldn't deal with it.

I was always with my uncle, always stayed with him.

Just the best uncle you could ever ask for.

Best person you could ask for. Just changed me, know what I mean?

It's like having someone in your life for all them years

and then disappearing.

Know what I mean? Mad.

Few years later, I was on drugs. Fucked me up, like. Fucked me up.

Madness.

I was self-harming. Always doing it.

Just the way of coping because I didn't have the right medication,

so I thought it was the best way to cope. Know what I mean?

I came off the meth and was just cutting, just to cope.

If I had heard something bad, like a bad phone call,

I'd be straight in my room.

Cut for just a release. Know what I mean?

So what was it? Anxiety, depression? Anxiety and drug-induced psychosis.

Like whenever I take drugs,

I start hallucinating and seeing stuff, know what I mean?

I just am a complete different person whenever I take drugs.

I scare myself sometimes.

Do something really shit

and I'm in jail for years and years and years.

Know what I mean?

Some of the shit I have done should've landed me in

for a good, long time, but...

Know what I mean?

They say karma is a bitch. Catches up on you.

Fuck it! Madness.

MUSIC PLAYS

You've made it this far.

Don't leave it to chance.

Leave it all on the pitch.

No holding back,

no half measures...