Episode 2 Prison - From the Inside

Well, when you first come in, it takes you...easy a year.

To figure this place out, to get used to it.

To get your mind set for it.

After that, it's just... time blends together around here.

You forget what day it is, you forget what date it is,

and you know, it's...

That's all it is, is just...

It's just...

To start off, my first-ever crime was...

I think I was about 12.

I got arrested for stealing a packet of lighters out of Tesco's...

and then, as we go on, it just got worse and worse every time.

I was just young and dumb. You know what I mean?

Everything out of perspective.

We were just running about the streets, just as kids. Just...

I don't even know how to explain it, it's...

It's just, one thing led to another. You know what I mean?

It started off with assaulting police...

and then it ended up...me being in here for a life sentence.

People might say on the outside, "Slap it up you."

They've got a right to say it.

We are criminals. We do deserve everything we get.

We don't deserve anything, any good things.

You have to keep your mind ticking.

If you sit and you wallow over your thoughts too much, it can be hard.

We use drugs to cover it all up.

That's why we take cocaine, to get rid of the demons in our head.

Before I went and done anything, I'd have took a line of coke.

To get rid of all the fear.

This was, mainly, drugs are used for.

I mean, you're going to do a wee touch

or you're going to do a wee job,

you're feeling a wee tingle in your stomach -

a line of coke.

Couple of lines of pure, that gets rid of it.

My daddy died before I was born, in a flat fire.

He was a soldier. My mummy...

That's the thing about it, Ma was always drinking.

She was never happy.

Do you know what I mean? It's like...

We don't drink around Christmas,

and someone says to me last week,

"Why do you not drink around Christmas?"

Cos I always remember waking up on Christmas morning and...

Not that you don't have many toys,

but the toys you had, you went to play with them

and my so-called mother coming our stairs,

"Argh, keep the noise down, I'm not well!"

It's not that she wasn't well. She had a hangover.

So tell me about school, then. What do you recall from that?

I hated it. Every day I was going in, I was getting...

getting kicked about the school, I was getting bullied,

and I was getting this, that and the other -

and don't get me wrong,

it's made me the person, the strong person I am now.

There'll be nobody bullying me now, like...

but they're all bad memories.

Even if wasn't it wasn't my own cousins baiting me,

it was the teachers baiting me, and stuff like that,

and fairly early went in,

and I worked on the stalls from a young age.

Do you know, in Belfast city centre?

Well, we were always dodging school to go and do something else,

hanging about with older people and stuff like that.

And I think that's why I ended up a criminal lifestyle,

do you know what I mean?

Get into selling drugs and stuff,

and that seemed more appealing than going to school

and getting kicked around the playground was.

Because running about with older people,

and you get more respect from them ones, do you know what I mean?

Maybe it was you only got respect

because they had you out selling their drugs

or they had you out stealing, but back then, it didn't matter.

Just that wee bit of respect meant a hell of a lot.

Relax a wee bit more now, you know what I mean? A wee smoke and stuff.

So...

I'll show you my pic... That's my pic...

That's my pictures of my son up there, you know what I mean?

That's him up there and stuff.

Those pictures of my son.

Keeps you happy, you know what I mean?

A few pictures of your son in the cell.

It keeps you happy, keeps you preoccupied.

Know what I mean?

And then you're you have your TV and stuff, and the hi-fi.

Know what I mean? Just whenever you get bored of TV,

just fire on the hi-fi

and listen to a bit of music, you know what I mean?

But aye, after a good while, you get used to that there,

you know what I mean? You do, you get used to being locked.

So you do.

Aye, you get used to it.

Being locked.

Aye.

Aye, the family background was good, so it was, yeah.

My mum and dad, and then...

they split and stuff, and then...

You know what I mean? But life was good, you know? It was good.

Then I started...

Well, obviously missing school and stuff,

and that's whenever I started getting into trouble, so it was.

Started from then. So it was.

I started getting into trouble, and then,

I ended up going to Hydebank for a fine. So I did.

So then, from Hydebank on,

then I started coming in and out of jail, so I did.

In and out, in and out. You know what I mean?

No point in lying,

I was pretty worried, the first time coming to prison.

Second time, obviously, Maghaberry.

I went to Maghaberry prison.

I was a bit worried the second time, nervous, stuff like that,

you know what I mean? You're going to prison,

you don't know who you're going to meet in prison...

and then the...third time, I was getting more comfortable with it.

I was like, you know, "Hold on, this is...

"This isn't," do you know what I mean?

You do, you sort of... You adjust to it, you adjust to prison.

You adjust to prison life, so you do, you do.

My record, I would be... theft, drugs, supplying drugs,

intent to supply class-A and class-B controlled drugs. More theft.

It's mainly theft and drugs.

That's what it's been, it's theft and drugs, theft and drugs.

Which is - theft is like breaking in the old, like, buildings,

stealing scrap and stuff.

That would have been all my theft crimes, you know, like.

Got caught with coke one time, an ounce of coke, so I did.

That was the same thing. With intent...

Well, no, it was supplying class-A drugs, so it was.

It's all been drugs, drugs, drugs. Supplying drugs, supplying drugs.

That's been the story of my life, you know? Just supplying drugs.

Been coming in and out of jail 30 years.

Hasn't been easy.

It's OK when you're drinking...

..but then, trouble starts...

and when trouble starts, I can't handle it.

So I would get myself into trouble,

cos I'm out of control with the drink.

As I lie here for the day, I'm in control.

I wouldn't harm a hair on your head sober...

..but I'm not responsible for what I do when I'm drunk.

I was very angry as a child...

..and I was very angry as a grown-up...

..but I'm not angry any more. I'm in control.

I'm more in control of it,

where I was out of control until I came in here.

Why were you angry?

I was angry at a lot of stuff that had happened in my life...

and I wouldn't like to go into detail about it.

And, um...

Just a lot of stuff, a lot of horrible stuff...

that happened when I was young...

..and it led me to be the person that I am today.

I don't want to be that person I was when I came through these doors.

I just don't want to be that raving lunatic I was.

But see this place? It's being used for a mental institution, as well.

Because there's people in here shouldn't even be here.

They should be in mental institutions...

..but at the end of the day, I have to face my demons...

..and they come up every now and again...

when the big green door's locked, behind the big green door.

Your head goes flying off your shoulders

when you've done the things that I've done.

Like, I have a record that would...

My God, it would decorate this room.

That's how bad it is...

and that's nothing to be proud of. Nothing.

We know in Northern Ireland there would be a higher than usual

incidence of mental health issues.

And the prison population is really a reflection of what goes on

in broader society.

We know from looking at what we understand about the health

status of individuals coming into custody,

about one in four people will have a stated mental health issue.

So that can be people dealing with issues of anxiety up to very

significant issues in terms of their mental health and whether

or not they have a diagnosis in terms of mental health provision or,

indeed, personality disorder.

Of course, the start point is it's not a problem for prisons.

It's a problem for the wider community.

And in the wider community,

prisons are very much at the end of the queue.

We are quite successful in the interventions that we do have.

But there's more work to be...

That needs to be done for people who are violent and aggressive.

And that's the challenge.

But those people,

those patients, would be a challenge anywhere and in

a custodial environment,

it's not a therapeutic place

and society and the inspectorates

require us to do the very best

that we can in difficult

circumstances and sometimes our best isn't good enough.

I've actually met a load of my mates in here, so I have,

over my years in here.

I was actually speaking to one yesterday.

He's getting out tomorrow.

He was actually one of my mates that I run about with outside.

I haven't seen him in years.

And then you... This is somewhere where everybody goes to meet.

I went to a couple of different schools.

I wasn't too bad in primary school but at secondary school I was

a bit more of a tearaway, so I was.

I went to Laurel Hill.

I just got expelled, so I did,

And then I went to Lisnagarvey.

Calmed down a bit and finished off right through to fifth year.

So I ended up, I actually got through all my years in school.

Left with a couple of GCSEs and things there but not much.

Just...messing about a bit too much.

Just started off with wee stupid things, running about with mates.

Getting into trouble and as I got older,

we all started drinking and started getting into more serious trouble.

So drink has been a big factor in your life?

Not a big factor in my life but just a big factor in my criminal life.

No, it's... I'm not really a violent person,

then... It's a whole load of drinking...

Background was actually all right.

I just grew up on a Protestant estate, you know.

Got off a wee bit with paramilitaries and stuff, you know.

Family where I was brought up was good, you know.

I was always looked after.

Got what I want that way but... once you get involved with

other boys and you end up starting in the drugs trade and all

that there and next minute you end up in prison, you know.

See, I was always all right.

I think it was when I came into the drugs, it was a big part of it.

You know, it was all smoking a wee bit of cannabis here and there and stuff

and then I started taking blues - they were just a nightmare for anybody.

I ended up going downhill quick on them.

I was getting up in the morning, going out there and I was

getting a load of blues, 1,000 of the for very cheap money, you know.

You were selling them, making a couple of quid back,

plus the money you were getting was paying for the next bunch.

Then the next minute, you're sitting with 500, 600 tablets

and I'd just eat them like Smarties.

You were getting up ten in the morning

and two hours later another ten,

a couple of hours later another ten,

and you're forgetting you were even eating the first couple.

You were buying another ten and another ten.

Just a vicious circle.

Then the next minute... cos you're selling on the estate

and doing things wrong, you get involved with paramilitaries

and getting beatings and getting shot at,

just things like that there.

Just walking home one night from my mate's house,

two cars pulled up and I was just trailed into the car.

There was nowhere I could go, you know.

Sitting in the back of the car, all woolly masks on.

I didn't know who it was or anything

then took down a lane, a wee place down the side of us.

All trees and that.

Trailed down there.

Told to get on my two knees with my two arms out

and they had a baseball bat.

Snapped both elbows, you know.

Left me down there.

Sometimes you're walking down and there's maybe six or seven of them

standing there. You've nowhere to go.

You have to walk into the middle of them and you're getting digs

from all over the place,

boots to the face and they're jumping all over you.

The next minute, you know, you turn around and they're all gone.

You're lying there busted open, blood everywhere.

HE SNIFFS

-It didn't stop you?

-No.

As far back as I can remember, I've always took drugs from a very,

very, very young age.

Sniffing glue and then went from glue to cannabis and...

oh, it was great.

It was... Do you know what I mean?

There was this drug where you smoked it and you just felt amazing.

Just relaxed and chilled out, and then I started selling them.

It was always about making money.

All right, you were ducking and diving the Provies,

do you know what I mean?

Because they didn't like drugs in their area but,

sure, you were always ducking and diving the Provies.

You were... I was a hood. That's what we were classed as,

as hoods, because we were out stealing and doing bits and pieces.

And then once you found coke you grew a set of clinkers,

as they call it, do you know what I mean?

Before, it was all about relaxing and forgetting about your problems.

Take a line of coke and you are ready to take the world on.

And once you get into it,

why would you go back to being that scared wee boy

when you could take a wee line of something and the world's your oyster?

And then you start taking more and then you realise,

"Jeez, I could get money for this."

If I want it, I'll take it - that was my attitude.

Selling drugs, stealing copper.

Copper for a good few years for the price of it.

When the government goes to war, the price of raw materials goes

through the roof so... You look at... It's marketing skills.

I know it sounds stupid.

Some people will be watching this thinking, "What are you talking about?"

You've got to look at what the value is in.

This perception people have that you'd just be a drug dealer, you don't.

You're a salesman.

You've got to provide for your customers, anything they want.

And a good salesman, you think about the days when they had a briefcase.

The didn't have one item, they had 20 items.

Do you know what I mean? Because you can't... You've got to cover everything.

And that's... There's days where people let you down.

You could be selling an ounce of coke to somebody.

They let you down - how are you paying your supplier?

Can't just go, "Our kid, I haven't got that."

If you haven't got that money,

you're getting shot.

It's the same in the jail. You hustle in the jail, too.

I write poems for other prisoners.

Charge them a tin of tuna.

Do you know, you do hankies.

Two tins of tuna.

It's all about turning a profit.

You can't be a criminal and just say, "I just sell drugs,"

or, "I'm just a thief." Anyone who says that is talking shit.

Do you know what I mean? If you're a criminal, you're out to get money.

There's only one way you're turning to crime and that's for the money.

It's all about the money.

The main drug of choice

that I would have took a lot would've been coke and grass.

I would have took a lot of coke and grass.

And that's just... You're looking out the window all the time,

always thinking somebody's there, and whenever you have trouble with

the police, they're stopping you, they're searching you, you know.

Like, say I walk up through the town. There's the police.

They fly up behind me and obviously a couple of cars and they're

jumping out the cars and they're grabbing you. They're searching you,

seizing your mobile phone, and it's just...

And obviously you get angry with it, you know.

You do, you get angry because, like,

it's not an everyday occurrence with people, is it? Like, walking

through the town and obviously three or four police cars surrounding them.

Your house is getting raided as well. That's another thing.

You have police all over the house

and you have police sitting out the back.

You have police sitting down the road. You have police watching you.

And then, obviously, the more coke you take, the more paranoid you get then.

Then you don't know if you can trust anybody.

That's the next thing then. You don't know who you can trust.

Because I have done a lot of jail...

..so I have.

I've done a lot of jail and then there's ones that's just never

in jail.

Then you get paranoid with them. You're like, "Hold on,

"I'm doing all this jail and these ones are never in jail," and then you do,

you get paranoid and more paranoia kicks in, so it does.

There's been a lot happened through my life and a lot's built up inside.

And that does.

It builds up and it builds up and builds up and builds up, then...

There's been a lot happened in my life.

There's been a lot, like.

You know, and then, you can only take so much.

And then, obviously, I lashed out.

Obviously, it all built up.

And then all that anger came out on your man.

Which I totally disagree with.

I shouldn't have... Shouldn't have done it, like, so I shouldn't have.

I love living here at the minute.

I have only 12 weeks to go.

And it'll fly in,

so it will.

This place has given me a stability

to stable myself for getting out.

And I have children out there to think of,

and I need to be a granny,

a proper granny,

not this granny that walks in and out like Santa Claus.

That's not happening no more.

I'm going to be there for them.

-Thanks.

-All right.

-OK, Chris?

This is my class officer for the day.

When I was 25...

It's been 31 years

coming in and out of prison,

because for the simple reason being,

when I take a drink, I turn into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Shoplifting...

Prostitution...

Loads of stuff, loads of stuff

that was leading me to do.

And hurting people...

..cos I was hurting.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Me and this so-called friend

went to a nightclub.

It was happy hour,

and we were knocking all sorts of drink into us and stuff.

And the next thing, it just snowballed.

I went into a rage,

and I hit her in the head with an ashtray.

Then when I hit her in the head with an ashtray, my God,

it was like a water tap, the blood that was coming out of her head.

It was awful.

I never want to witness that again,

of my own doing.

Virtually every prisoner will go back into society,

and I remember having a conversation

where someone was saying, "Well, they're there to be punished."

And, you know, if you punish them harder,

they'll not commit crime.

Young lads who'd been subject to punishment beatings

and punishment shootings.

If shooting them and beating them

didn't stop them committing or stealing a car...

..what more could I do?

Because I couldn't shoot them or beat them.

So, in terms of running a decent prison...

..at the end of the day, those individuals,

if I were to treat them harshly, could view themselves as victims.

A prisoner is not a victim.

Seriously?

Is there no privacy in here at all?

I've worked in all of the prisons and I was back up in

Maghaberry Prison a short time ago, and I...

I met a person in custody

who I'd first met in Maghaberry in 1988.

It took me a wee while to realise who they were,

and I said to them, "How long are you back in?"

and they were back in serving a fairly long sentence again,

you know, and they hadn't adapted to society.

They haven't adapted to society's rules and norms.

They weren't a career criminal. I wouldn't class them

as a career criminal, by any class of the imagination,

but they were back in custody and they were back in serving

a significant sentence.

and they accepted that.

You know, they accepted that they, you know, "I've been in custody,

"I've been in custody for most of my life,

"and I'm back in custody again."

I have experience of young men here

who I have saw coming back into custody maybe twice or three times,

and their ambition is to graduate

to the big house on the hill - to Maghaberry.

It holds no fear for them, and they say that,

"Well, if I'm coming back, I'll be over 21 and I'll go to Maghaberry."

And, where, in many cases,

they can be a fairly big fish in a small pond at Hydebank Wood,

they went to Maghaberry into a residential unit of 150 or 170 men

and found that, all of a sudden,

they were very small fish in a very large pond.

People in these houses are more settled.

But the committal houses will be a bit more unsettled,

a bit more harder for them to deal with.

And some people just find it hard to cope with,

and then throw in a load of family problems on top,

and...then boys just blow.

I suppose it could be overwhelming for some people, like, but...

I don't know, it's one of them ones, you either get used to or you don't.

I'm in doing 13 years'...

..life sentence, for...

A crime that...

Ah, God, I don't even... Can I stop a wee second?

Why are you in prison now?

I'm in doing 13 years for...murder.

For...

Seven years into my sentence.

Er...

Went out for a night out,

and a fight broke out, and...

..as result of that...

..I got a life sentence for it.

A fight broke out in a bar.

And...

It got split up and all,

and then we stayed in the bar.

Then when we went home,

they started phoning one of my mates.

Encouraging him up for a fight into Walsh Park.

We went up our road,

had a fight with them, got split up,

and then they came down and started attacking the house.

And...

..just...

It escalated.

So...

You guys, then, the fight started again?

The fight started again at the house.

Then somebody lost their life.

-How did that happen, Stephen?

-He was stabbed.

There was, like, about four of us in a room downstairs,

and it was like a house party.

We were all down in the bedroom and then he came just...

He came running in

and he just started shouting and all, and then...

I was like, "Calm down." I just kept saying to him, "Calm down."

And then cos I was obviously intoxicated and obviously,

drugs then, I carried it further,

because everything that happened to me through my life,

it just all came into my head and just...

just everything bottled up inside me,

I just lashed out, and then that was it.

And while I was walking up the hallway,

I seen a screwdriver and grabbed it. Just not thinking, do you know?

At the time, we were in a rage, and we were just...

But, let me tell you, I'll always think now, so I will.

Just there. Just near there...

Just there to the neck.

A stab wound to the neck, so it was.

Which just...

I just, right there, just near the...

Right near the side, started stabbing the neck.

You know?

Wasn't great. Definitely not.

That's what happened. I was intoxicated on drugs and...

..one thing led to another, and then...

I'm ashamed of it, if I was being honest.

Definitely am.

Tell me, during the bit, why you're in now.

Tell me what happened.

Riotous behaviour of a street robbery.

And the street robbery was just... being an eejit.

We were full of drugs and looking for an easy couple of quid,

you know, and getting into hassle and end up in prison, you know.

You feel sorry, because they were innocent people, you know,

just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and...

A couple of us were going short a few quid, and then it led to...

It was early morning, I think it was about 6.30am.

There was some people at the hole in the wall,

in the door and tried to rob them

and took a few quid and went and got drink straight away.

It was actually a bank holiday, it was an Easter...

Easter Monday, and the off sales was closed,

so we actually went down to Tesco's and filled a full trolley up

with drink and wheeled that there away too, you know?

Just... Just mad.

Who was the... Tell me about...

At the ATM, just tell me what happened.

Just a mad one, you know.

People up getting their money and maybe two or three of us

bounced out and bounced up, we grabbed the people and said,

"Listen, get the money out."

Putting a wee bit of pressure on them, you know,

giving them a wee bit of scare tactics, you know.

"If you don't get the money out,

"we're going to bash you," kind of thing, you know?

But this woman was assaulted?

Well, no, it's...

The bag... There was a bag or two, the bag was took off her,

stuff like that there, and so there was a bit of wrestling with her bag.

Apparently she broke one of her wee fingers or something, you know.

And the fella was there too. He got...

A couple of digs, you know?

So it was just a bit loose.

Looking back on it now, you feel bad for it, you know.

-So there was violence?

-Oh, there was violence in it, like, you know.

It's not good.

I've...

I've a few kids out there that I don't get seeing because of drugs.

Not just cos of drugs, because of violence too.

The cocaine takes over.

You do, you become a violent man.

I have two kids I haven't seen in over ten years.

Because of violence and because of drugs.

They know their daddy as a nasty big monster.

I still had the same mentality as my mother had.

All you have to do is put food on the table and pay the bills,

and put clothes on the kids' backs,

not that she done much of that, like,

but I thought that's what it was all about,

so I kept on with crime, kept selling my drugs,

kept ducking and diving from paramilitaries, and...

I lost my family because of it.

And I still to this day...

I still don't get to see them.

And... It kills me. It's...

I've got five kids now, and a partner,

and when I play with them, it's.

It's amazing, do you know?

And I show them my love, but I'm also filled with guilt.

And if I could change anything,

that would be the one thing I would change.

I would have walked away then,

instead of waiting until now to walk away.

That wee girl had a horrible life living with me.

A horrible life. It was...

It was soul-destroying.

The lifestyle, it was just drugs, drugs, crime, violence.

And on several occasions, I lifted my hand to her.

And...

I'm ashamed of myself, but that's...

That's one thing I've learned on the course now,

is about getting rid of guilt, but I don't think i can get rid of it.

Why do you think you were violent in the home?

I ask myself that millions of times.

I ask myself, and I think it was about self control.

I think it was because I felt worthless and she was

so bright and so happy and so cheerful, and...

..I think maybe it was bringing her down onto my level,

and having control over her.

I don't honestly know, but I think that's... To be truthful,

I think it was all about me having control of every situation.

And I didn't have control over her emotions,

and I think that's where the violence came in.

I suffer from mental health problems.

I have to take antidepressants and anti-psychotics,

-because it just...

-HE SCOFFS

I used to self-harm, and it's hard not to. It's very hard not to.

For the hurt and the pain that I've caused. You feel guilty.

You feel like, when you're on these courses, "Why do I deserve it?"

Especially when you hear prisoners,

a lot of prisoners have took their lives in here.

And you think to yourself, like, "That should have been me."

Kids that are in for nothing.

You hear kids outside hanging themselves.

Why is the Lord taking them? Why is he not taking me, for all the

bad things I've done?

You know, for all the people we've made suffer.

Whether it be a small crime or a big crime,

people do suffer through our actions.

And that's... It's not easy to live with.

Ain't happy about this place.

I've had enough.

No more.

Seen enough of this place to last me a lifetime.

Well, my plans are, for today, just for today,

is to go and get myself a mobile phone.

A big D8, and fix my room up, where I'm going.

And have a Chinese tonight.

Could you let us out, please? That's the last time I'll be saying that.

-Could you let us out?

-Two seconds, one second, Pat.

'I used to fly in and out of different countries,

'and I didn't drink.

'I took the odd San Miguel when I was in Spain.'

Bye!

And I'd have took that, and I'd have probably sat with that for hours.

But something happened in my life. I was raped.

And...

It's neither here nor there at the minute.

But I became...

..like...

..all hurt and closed up, and full of pain, full of emptiness.

You could have drove a bus through the emptiness.

And...

It was bad. It was really bad.

But I kept drinking the peace in and the peace out,

to kill this pain and to kill this emptiness.

# I'm coming home I've done my time... #

SHE LAUGHS

'My crime got worse after the rape.'

But you see, I maintain I should have been in a mental institution.

I shouldn't have been in prison.

I should have been getting treated for what was underlying,

cause of all this violence.

And having said that, my heart stopped twice two weeks ago.

I took an overdose.

Because I couldn't stick any more of this place.

People come into prisons with all sorts of problems

and all sorts of complications in their lives,

and therefore there is a reflection in terms of the challenges

that there are in the community and the challenges that there are

in prisons, whether it's through mental health issues or

whether it's through addictions.

Around 49% of those who arrive in prison would indicate to us

that they have addiction problems, but prison should never be seen

as a dumping ground, out of sight, out of mind.

Our entire focus ought to be and should be on rehabilitating

those within our care in order that we can make a difference not just to

the lives of the individuals, but to the communities that they return to.

We are very fortunate in this jurisdiction that there is not

a significant injecting culture.

There's not a hard drug culture, but certainly,

there is an overreliance on prescribed medication,

and that addiction,

that addiction that starts for most people at quite an early age,

and that hunger and that craving, and drug seeking behaviour,

certainly, carries through here.

However, in custody, when the supply can be erratic on their part,

then I suppose, in some way,

it helps to explain why there can be some...serious outcomes where,

if people get it, then they take a lot of it.

But sometimes, it's not the ones who are the most obvious,

it's the ones who are unseen, the ones who, you know,

we are unaware of, that are users,

or have managed to get something that puts themselves in the

most danger and really puts us to the point of understandable

public criticism, whenever something goes wrong.

I was brought up, always had money and family.

They didn't like me taking drugs,

and they were trying to deal with it at the same time,

and then my mum and all that being unwell,

I was putting more pressure on them instead.

I was arguing with brothers and sisters over it,

and they're trying to tell you, "What about the family and all?

"You're not worrying about that there."

Then it starts more arguments. You're saying to yourself,

"You are worrying about the family."

But really, you weren't at the time, it was just,

"Where am I getting my next hit?" That was the main thing, you know.

And then, when I started to come off them,

ended up in Holywell, into a mental hospital

coming off a load of tablets and all this.

My head went, and all you can think of is suicide, and then

when you come to prison, you don't realise how lucky you are outside.

With the freedom. You think...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to sit here and say prison's hard.

It's easy enough, but it's the wee stupid things.

Like a couple of wee nephews being born and stuff like that.

Just breaks your heart in here, you know?

To be honest, when I got out last time, the first day I got out,

I was straight back to what I was doing.

I think it's just, this time, I'm getting older,

starting to wise up a wee bit, you know.

And just certain things family members have said to me, you know,

like, "You come back out, you do the same thing again, we're not going

"to stand by you this time. You can do it on your own."

You don't want to lose family over out getting yourself

a couple of quid or out getting yourself a hit, you know?

I'm only 23 and I've spent more or less six years in prison.

Just shows you, for me, at 17, just been in prison.

-So, just confirm your name and number for me?

-H5009.

-Right, you're getting licence today.

-Yeah.

-OK. You've probably heard

-your licence conditions over the last couple of days.

-Yeah.

-I'll just go back over them now for you.

-Yeah, no problem.

So, under the provisions of Article 17 of the Criminal Justice Order,

your supervision commences today and expires on 12/12/2018.

You'll be under the supervision of the same probation officer

and must comply with the conditions of this licence.

The objectives of the supervision are to protect the public,

prevent reoffending and achieve your successful rehabilitation.

On release, you must report directly to the probation officer,

and that's at four o'clock today...

You must submit to drug and alcohol testing

as agreed with your probation officer.

In accordance with Article 24...

Drug... What did you say?

Drug and alcohol testing is agreed with your probation officer.

They told me he'd lifted the drug test one.

It's there at the moment...

'My dream was... Fancy car, fancy lifestyle. That was the dream.

'Aye, the fancy lifestyle. That was the dream, you know. Become big.

'But I never became big. I always went to jail, so I never.

'I always end up in here, in prison.'

I was walking down the road with

my son and he says, "Look, Daddy, when will you back down and see me?"

And I said, "Look, Daddy has to go to work, son,"

cos he's only seven and he doesn't really understand.

I don't want him seeing me in prison and stuff.

Still, I keep in phone contact with him.

But...

I said, "Daddy has to go away to work,"

and he said, "No, Daddy, I don't want you to go away to work."

"I don't like it." And to be quite honest,

I left him off at his mother's house,

I walked away, and I'm not lying, tears came to my eyes, like, it did.

You know what I mean? Cos I'm leaving my son,

and I didn't know what the impact of the case was going to be.

You know? I didn't know... I was thinking...

Still think four years is a long time, because,

that's four years of my life and four years of my son's life.

But also, I had to think about what I done.

I shouldn't have done what I done, so I shouldn't have.

You couldn't give me nothing in all this world to compare to my son.

He's... I love him to bits, like, you know, but...

Me coming in and out of here is not right. It's not fair on him.

It's not fair on myself, but I've only myself to blame, you know?

So I have, so...

It's my time now for me to get out now and get a new start,

get myself a nice wee apartment or a house, do my driving test,

and it means I can go and take him on days out and stuff.

It's time to change my life around, so it is. You know?

It can be done.

There's no point sitting in saying, "I'll think about doing it."

You can do it.

Just getting up and doing it and just staying out of prison,

that's the way it's going to be.

I just don't want to come back here no more. I'm actually tired of it.

I'm sick of it.

That's me, lads. Thanks very much, all right. No bother. All right?

Sick of the jail. Sick of the lifestyle.

You know, I'm sick of it. I am.

I've grew up a lot in here, you know what I mean?

I think, outside,

I was very immature and just didn't think things through,

and now... Now, yeah, I've definitely grew up a bit in here.

All I want is my two boys round me now.

Everything else is just...

Doesn't matter.

Well, one of them knows nothing, and one of them knows just a wee bit.

He asked me about it on a visit and I told him he was too young

and I would explain to him when he's old enough to deal with it.

But...

I don't know why somebody put it into his head to ask,

because I was a bit taken aback by it.

I thought he was a bit too young to be asking a question like that.

You send cards out, but...

It's all you can do in here, and that, you know, ends.

It's not like you can be there for them.

Family life's amazing. I have a wonderful partner.

I never, ever thought I'd have kids again. I've five amazing kids.

To be truthful, I'm glad I came to jail.

I know you might think that's strange,

"Why would he be glad to come to jail?"

Because it was breaking point for me. I needed this.

And... I was still taking drugs up until I came to jail.

You know, I had everybody convinced I wasn't, but I was.

It was a lot better lifestyle.

I wasn't selling, I wasn't doing this, that and the other, but...

It was a lot better lifestyle than I had with my other kids, and...

But my kids were amazing. I'm doing this...

I'm doing this for me, but for my kids. I am changing myself.

I've tried before to change it for the kids. It doesn't work.

I need to change it because I want to change.

Do you worry that your children could be tempted or be lead

by what they know of your life and follow it?

Scares the life out of me,

because when I was involved in drugs,

I was the sort of person what would pull kids in and get them to

feel great, and basically picked on the ones that was like me.

You know, you can see boys like me in the crowd, you make them

feel loved and then you get them selling drugs, and it does scare me.

It scares the life out of me that my kids or anybody else's kids

would ever go through this life. Because it's not a life.

I'm going to change. Not I am going to change, I have changed.

With the help of... Thought I'd never say this,

but with the help of the prison service, my life has changed.

I'm drug-free. Drug-free. Them two words...

I always swore when I grew up, I was going to be a good daddy.

I was the worst daddy than what I could ever imagine.

Letting the two kids down.

That's the hardest thing to deal with.

And then the guilt of the things I've done through crime.

I think my biggest crime is not being a father to my children.

And that's... I don't think I'll ever get over that, never.

And if the kids are watching this, I'm sorry.

I really am.

And I will try and change it.

It's not easy, people think... People think we are just animals.

People look at us and just go, "Let them rot in there." It's not easy.

We can't change.

SHE SHOUTS

Yahoo!

All right, Samantha, love?

Are you well?

All right, boys?

Why do you feel...it can be different this time?

Because I'm different.

I'm a changed person, so I am.

I have been rehabilitated.

Cos I've been here so long.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an angel.

But, the end of the day. I don't want to hurt no-one.

OK, yes, I'm happy as a pig in shite.

Yee-ha!

'It's people, you see, that I have to deal with.'

'And you get all kinds of people everywhere.'

It's just that it's me that has to change,

instead of the world, me trying to change the world.

I have to change.