Episode 2 Prison - From the Inside


Episode 2

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Transcript


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Well, when you first come in, it takes you...easy a year.

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To figure this place out, to get used to it.

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To get your mind set for it.

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After that, it's just... time blends together around here.

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You forget what day it is, you forget what date it is,

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and you know, it's...

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That's all it is, is just...

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It's just...

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To start off, my first-ever crime was...

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I think I was about 12.

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I got arrested for stealing a packet of lighters out of Tesco's...

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and then, as we go on, it just got worse and worse every time.

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I was just young and dumb. You know what I mean?

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Everything out of perspective.

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We were just running about the streets, just as kids. Just...

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I don't even know how to explain it, it's...

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It's just, one thing led to another. You know what I mean?

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It started off with assaulting police...

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and then it ended up...me being in here for a life sentence.

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People might say on the outside, "Slap it up you."

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They've got a right to say it.

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We are criminals. We do deserve everything we get.

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We don't deserve anything, any good things.

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You have to keep your mind ticking.

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If you sit and you wallow over your thoughts too much, it can be hard.

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We use drugs to cover it all up.

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That's why we take cocaine, to get rid of the demons in our head.

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Before I went and done anything, I'd have took a line of coke.

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To get rid of all the fear.

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This was, mainly, drugs are used for.

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I mean, you're going to do a wee touch

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or you're going to do a wee job,

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you're feeling a wee tingle in your stomach -

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a line of coke.

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Couple of lines of pure, that gets rid of it.

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My daddy died before I was born, in a flat fire.

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He was a soldier. My mummy...

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That's the thing about it, Ma was always drinking.

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She was never happy.

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Do you know what I mean? It's like...

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We don't drink around Christmas,

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and someone says to me last week,

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"Why do you not drink around Christmas?"

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Cos I always remember waking up on Christmas morning and...

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Not that you don't have many toys,

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but the toys you had, you went to play with them

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and my so-called mother coming our stairs,

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"Argh, keep the noise down, I'm not well!"

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It's not that she wasn't well. She had a hangover.

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So tell me about school, then. What do you recall from that?

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I hated it. Every day I was going in, I was getting...

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getting kicked about the school, I was getting bullied,

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and I was getting this, that and the other -

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and don't get me wrong,

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it's made me the person, the strong person I am now.

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There'll be nobody bullying me now, like...

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but they're all bad memories.

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Even if wasn't it wasn't my own cousins baiting me,

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it was the teachers baiting me, and stuff like that,

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and fairly early went in,

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and I worked on the stalls from a young age.

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Do you know, in Belfast city centre?

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Well, we were always dodging school to go and do something else,

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hanging about with older people and stuff like that.

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And I think that's why I ended up a criminal lifestyle,

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do you know what I mean?

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Get into selling drugs and stuff,

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and that seemed more appealing than going to school

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and getting kicked around the playground was.

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Because running about with older people,

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and you get more respect from them ones, do you know what I mean?

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Maybe it was you only got respect

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because they had you out selling their drugs

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or they had you out stealing, but back then, it didn't matter.

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Just that wee bit of respect meant a hell of a lot.

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Relax a wee bit more now, you know what I mean? A wee smoke and stuff.

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So...

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I'll show you my pic... That's my pic...

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That's my pictures of my son up there, you know what I mean?

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That's him up there and stuff.

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Those pictures of my son.

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Keeps you happy, you know what I mean?

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A few pictures of your son in the cell.

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It keeps you happy, keeps you preoccupied.

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Know what I mean?

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And then you're you have your TV and stuff, and the hi-fi.

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Know what I mean? Just whenever you get bored of TV,

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just fire on the hi-fi

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and listen to a bit of music, you know what I mean?

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But aye, after a good while, you get used to that there,

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you know what I mean? You do, you get used to being locked.

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So you do.

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Aye, you get used to it.

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Being locked.

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Aye.

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Aye, the family background was good, so it was, yeah.

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My mum and dad, and then...

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they split and stuff, and then...

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You know what I mean? But life was good, you know? It was good.

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Then I started...

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Well, obviously missing school and stuff,

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and that's whenever I started getting into trouble, so it was.

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Started from then. So it was.

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I started getting into trouble, and then,

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I ended up going to Hydebank for a fine. So I did.

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So then, from Hydebank on,

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then I started coming in and out of jail, so I did.

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In and out, in and out. You know what I mean?

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No point in lying,

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I was pretty worried, the first time coming to prison.

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Second time, obviously, Maghaberry.

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I went to Maghaberry prison.

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I was a bit worried the second time, nervous, stuff like that,

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you know what I mean? You're going to prison,

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you don't know who you're going to meet in prison...

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and then the...third time, I was getting more comfortable with it.

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I was like, you know, "Hold on, this is...

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"This isn't," do you know what I mean?

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You do, you sort of... You adjust to it, you adjust to prison.

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You adjust to prison life, so you do, you do.

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My record, I would be... theft, drugs, supplying drugs,

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intent to supply class-A and class-B controlled drugs. More theft.

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It's mainly theft and drugs.

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That's what it's been, it's theft and drugs, theft and drugs.

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Which is - theft is like breaking in the old, like, buildings,

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stealing scrap and stuff.

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That would have been all my theft crimes, you know, like.

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Got caught with coke one time, an ounce of coke, so I did.

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That was the same thing. With intent...

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Well, no, it was supplying class-A drugs, so it was.

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It's all been drugs, drugs, drugs. Supplying drugs, supplying drugs.

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That's been the story of my life, you know? Just supplying drugs.

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Been coming in and out of jail 30 years.

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Hasn't been easy.

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It's OK when you're drinking...

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..but then, trouble starts...

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and when trouble starts, I can't handle it.

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So I would get myself into trouble,

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cos I'm out of control with the drink.

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As I lie here for the day, I'm in control.

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I wouldn't harm a hair on your head sober...

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..but I'm not responsible for what I do when I'm drunk.

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I was very angry as a child...

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..and I was very angry as a grown-up...

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..but I'm not angry any more. I'm in control.

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I'm more in control of it,

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where I was out of control until I came in here.

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Why were you angry?

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I was angry at a lot of stuff that had happened in my life...

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and I wouldn't like to go into detail about it.

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And, um...

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Just a lot of stuff, a lot of horrible stuff...

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that happened when I was young...

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..and it led me to be the person that I am today.

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I don't want to be that person I was when I came through these doors.

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I just don't want to be that raving lunatic I was.

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But see this place? It's being used for a mental institution, as well.

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Because there's people in here shouldn't even be here.

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They should be in mental institutions...

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..but at the end of the day, I have to face my demons...

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..and they come up every now and again...

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when the big green door's locked, behind the big green door.

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Your head goes flying off your shoulders

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when you've done the things that I've done.

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Like, I have a record that would...

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My God, it would decorate this room.

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That's how bad it is...

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and that's nothing to be proud of. Nothing.

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We know in Northern Ireland there would be a higher than usual

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incidence of mental health issues.

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And the prison population is really a reflection of what goes on

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in broader society.

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We know from looking at what we understand about the health

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status of individuals coming into custody,

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about one in four people will have a stated mental health issue.

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So that can be people dealing with issues of anxiety up to very

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significant issues in terms of their mental health and whether

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or not they have a diagnosis in terms of mental health provision or,

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indeed, personality disorder.

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Of course, the start point is it's not a problem for prisons.

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It's a problem for the wider community.

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And in the wider community,

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prisons are very much at the end of the queue.

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We are quite successful in the interventions that we do have.

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But there's more work to be...

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That needs to be done for people who are violent and aggressive.

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And that's the challenge.

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But those people,

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those patients, would be a challenge anywhere and in

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a custodial environment,

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it's not a therapeutic place

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and society and the inspectorates

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require us to do the very best

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that we can in difficult

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circumstances and sometimes our best isn't good enough.

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I've actually met a load of my mates in here, so I have,

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over my years in here.

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I was actually speaking to one yesterday.

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He's getting out tomorrow.

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He was actually one of my mates that I run about with outside.

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I haven't seen him in years.

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And then you... This is somewhere where everybody goes to meet.

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I went to a couple of different schools.

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I wasn't too bad in primary school but at secondary school I was

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a bit more of a tearaway, so I was.

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I went to Laurel Hill.

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I just got expelled, so I did,

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And then I went to Lisnagarvey.

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Calmed down a bit and finished off right through to fifth year.

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So I ended up, I actually got through all my years in school.

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Left with a couple of GCSEs and things there but not much.

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Just...messing about a bit too much.

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Just started off with wee stupid things, running about with mates.

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Getting into trouble and as I got older,

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we all started drinking and started getting into more serious trouble.

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So drink has been a big factor in your life?

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Not a big factor in my life but just a big factor in my criminal life.

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No, it's... I'm not really a violent person,

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then... It's a whole load of drinking...

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Background was actually all right.

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I just grew up on a Protestant estate, you know.

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Got off a wee bit with paramilitaries and stuff, you know.

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Family where I was brought up was good, you know.

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I was always looked after.

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Got what I want that way but... once you get involved with

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other boys and you end up starting in the drugs trade and all

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that there and next minute you end up in prison, you know.

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See, I was always all right.

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I think it was when I came into the drugs, it was a big part of it.

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You know, it was all smoking a wee bit of cannabis here and there and stuff

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and then I started taking blues - they were just a nightmare for anybody.

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I ended up going downhill quick on them.

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I was getting up in the morning, going out there and I was

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getting a load of blues, 1,000 of the for very cheap money, you know.

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You were selling them, making a couple of quid back,

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plus the money you were getting was paying for the next bunch.

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Then the next minute, you're sitting with 500, 600 tablets

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and I'd just eat them like Smarties.

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You were getting up ten in the morning

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and two hours later another ten,

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a couple of hours later another ten,

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and you're forgetting you were even eating the first couple.

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You were buying another ten and another ten.

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Just a vicious circle.

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Then the next minute... cos you're selling on the estate

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and doing things wrong, you get involved with paramilitaries

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and getting beatings and getting shot at,

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just things like that there.

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Just walking home one night from my mate's house,

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two cars pulled up and I was just trailed into the car.

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There was nowhere I could go, you know.

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Sitting in the back of the car, all woolly masks on.

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I didn't know who it was or anything

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then took down a lane, a wee place down the side of us.

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All trees and that.

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Trailed down there.

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Told to get on my two knees with my two arms out

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and they had a baseball bat.

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Snapped both elbows, you know.

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Left me down there.

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Sometimes you're walking down and there's maybe six or seven of them

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standing there. You've nowhere to go.

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You have to walk into the middle of them and you're getting digs

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from all over the place,

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boots to the face and they're jumping all over you.

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The next minute, you know, you turn around and they're all gone.

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You're lying there busted open, blood everywhere.

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HE SNIFFS

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-It didn't stop you?

-No.

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As far back as I can remember, I've always took drugs from a very,

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very, very young age.

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Sniffing glue and then went from glue to cannabis and...

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oh, it was great.

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It was... Do you know what I mean?

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There was this drug where you smoked it and you just felt amazing.

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Just relaxed and chilled out, and then I started selling them.

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It was always about making money.

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All right, you were ducking and diving the Provies,

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do you know what I mean?

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Because they didn't like drugs in their area but,

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sure, you were always ducking and diving the Provies.

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You were... I was a hood. That's what we were classed as,

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as hoods, because we were out stealing and doing bits and pieces.

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And then once you found coke you grew a set of clinkers,

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as they call it, do you know what I mean?

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Before, it was all about relaxing and forgetting about your problems.

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Take a line of coke and you are ready to take the world on.

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And once you get into it,

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why would you go back to being that scared wee boy

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when you could take a wee line of something and the world's your oyster?

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And then you start taking more and then you realise,

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"Jeez, I could get money for this."

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If I want it, I'll take it - that was my attitude.

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Selling drugs, stealing copper.

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Copper for a good few years for the price of it.

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When the government goes to war, the price of raw materials goes

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through the roof so... You look at... It's marketing skills.

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I know it sounds stupid.

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Some people will be watching this thinking, "What are you talking about?"

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You've got to look at what the value is in.

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This perception people have that you'd just be a drug dealer, you don't.

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You're a salesman.

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You've got to provide for your customers, anything they want.

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And a good salesman, you think about the days when they had a briefcase.

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The didn't have one item, they had 20 items.

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Do you know what I mean? Because you can't... You've got to cover everything.

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And that's... There's days where people let you down.

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You could be selling an ounce of coke to somebody.

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They let you down - how are you paying your supplier?

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Can't just go, "Our kid, I haven't got that."

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If you haven't got that money,

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you're getting shot.

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It's the same in the jail. You hustle in the jail, too.

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I write poems for other prisoners.

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Charge them a tin of tuna.

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Do you know, you do hankies.

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Two tins of tuna.

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It's all about turning a profit.

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You can't be a criminal and just say, "I just sell drugs,"

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or, "I'm just a thief." Anyone who says that is talking shit.

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Do you know what I mean? If you're a criminal, you're out to get money.

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There's only one way you're turning to crime and that's for the money.

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It's all about the money.

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The main drug of choice

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that I would have took a lot would've been coke and grass.

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I would have took a lot of coke and grass.

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And that's just... You're looking out the window all the time,

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always thinking somebody's there, and whenever you have trouble with

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the police, they're stopping you, they're searching you, you know.

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Like, say I walk up through the town. There's the police.

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They fly up behind me and obviously a couple of cars and they're

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jumping out the cars and they're grabbing you. They're searching you,

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seizing your mobile phone, and it's just...

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And obviously you get angry with it, you know.

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You do, you get angry because, like,

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it's not an everyday occurrence with people, is it? Like, walking

0:22:190:22:22

through the town and obviously three or four police cars surrounding them.

0:22:220:22:25

Your house is getting raided as well. That's another thing.

0:22:250:22:29

You have police all over the house

0:22:290:22:30

and you have police sitting out the back.

0:22:300:22:32

You have police sitting down the road. You have police watching you.

0:22:320:22:35

And then, obviously, the more coke you take, the more paranoid you get then.

0:22:350:22:39

Then you don't know if you can trust anybody.

0:22:390:22:41

That's the next thing then. You don't know who you can trust.

0:22:410:22:44

Because I have done a lot of jail...

0:22:480:22:49

..so I have.

0:22:510:22:52

I've done a lot of jail and then there's ones that's just never

0:22:520:22:55

in jail.

0:22:550:22:56

Then you get paranoid with them. You're like, "Hold on,

0:22:560:23:00

"I'm doing all this jail and these ones are never in jail," and then you do,

0:23:000:23:03

you get paranoid and more paranoia kicks in, so it does.

0:23:030:23:07

There's been a lot happened through my life and a lot's built up inside.

0:23:160:23:20

And that does.

0:23:220:23:23

It builds up and it builds up and builds up and builds up, then...

0:23:230:23:26

There's been a lot happened in my life.

0:23:260:23:28

There's been a lot, like.

0:23:310:23:32

You know, and then, you can only take so much.

0:23:320:23:35

And then, obviously, I lashed out.

0:23:370:23:39

Obviously, it all built up.

0:23:390:23:41

And then all that anger came out on your man.

0:23:430:23:45

Which I totally disagree with.

0:23:460:23:48

I shouldn't have... Shouldn't have done it, like, so I shouldn't have.

0:23:480:23:51

I love living here at the minute.

0:24:090:24:11

I have only 12 weeks to go.

0:24:110:24:13

And it'll fly in,

0:24:130:24:15

so it will.

0:24:150:24:17

This place has given me a stability

0:24:170:24:21

to stable myself for getting out.

0:24:210:24:25

And I have children out there to think of,

0:24:250:24:27

and I need to be a granny,

0:24:270:24:30

a proper granny,

0:24:300:24:31

not this granny that walks in and out like Santa Claus.

0:24:310:24:36

That's not happening no more.

0:24:360:24:38

I'm going to be there for them.

0:24:380:24:40

-Thanks.

-All right.

-OK, Chris?

0:24:420:24:46

This is my class officer for the day.

0:24:460:24:49

When I was 25...

0:24:510:24:54

It's been 31 years

0:24:560:25:00

coming in and out of prison,

0:25:000:25:02

because for the simple reason being,

0:25:020:25:05

when I take a drink, I turn into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

0:25:050:25:09

Shoplifting...

0:25:120:25:14

Prostitution...

0:25:170:25:19

Loads of stuff, loads of stuff

0:25:230:25:25

that was leading me to do.

0:25:250:25:28

And hurting people...

0:25:300:25:32

..cos I was hurting.

0:25:330:25:34

Hurt people, hurt people.

0:25:350:25:37

Me and this so-called friend

0:25:430:25:45

went to a nightclub.

0:25:450:25:47

It was happy hour,

0:25:480:25:50

and we were knocking all sorts of drink into us and stuff.

0:25:500:25:56

And the next thing, it just snowballed.

0:25:560:25:58

I went into a rage,

0:25:590:26:02

and I hit her in the head with an ashtray.

0:26:020:26:04

Then when I hit her in the head with an ashtray, my God,

0:26:060:26:11

it was like a water tap, the blood that was coming out of her head.

0:26:110:26:15

It was awful.

0:26:160:26:18

I never want to witness that again,

0:26:180:26:20

of my own doing.

0:26:200:26:22

Virtually every prisoner will go back into society,

0:26:440:26:47

and I remember having a conversation

0:26:470:26:50

where someone was saying, "Well, they're there to be punished."

0:26:500:26:54

And, you know, if you punish them harder,

0:26:550:26:58

they'll not commit crime.

0:26:580:27:00

Young lads who'd been subject to punishment beatings

0:27:000:27:03

and punishment shootings.

0:27:030:27:05

If shooting them and beating them

0:27:050:27:10

didn't stop them committing or stealing a car...

0:27:100:27:13

..what more could I do?

0:27:140:27:17

Because I couldn't shoot them or beat them.

0:27:170:27:20

So, in terms of running a decent prison...

0:27:230:27:26

..at the end of the day, those individuals,

0:27:290:27:31

if I were to treat them harshly, could view themselves as victims.

0:27:310:27:35

A prisoner is not a victim.

0:27:350:27:37

Seriously?

0:27:410:27:43

Is there no privacy in here at all?

0:27:430:27:45

I've worked in all of the prisons and I was back up in

0:27:460:27:49

Maghaberry Prison a short time ago, and I...

0:27:490:27:51

I met a person in custody

0:27:510:27:54

who I'd first met in Maghaberry in 1988.

0:27:540:27:57

It took me a wee while to realise who they were,

0:27:570:28:00

and I said to them, "How long are you back in?"

0:28:000:28:02

and they were back in serving a fairly long sentence again,

0:28:020:28:04

you know, and they hadn't adapted to society.

0:28:040:28:07

They haven't adapted to society's rules and norms.

0:28:090:28:12

They weren't a career criminal. I wouldn't class them

0:28:120:28:14

as a career criminal, by any class of the imagination,

0:28:140:28:17

but they were back in custody and they were back in serving

0:28:170:28:20

a significant sentence.

0:28:200:28:22

and they accepted that.

0:28:220:28:24

You know, they accepted that they, you know, "I've been in custody,

0:28:270:28:30

"I've been in custody for most of my life,

0:28:300:28:31

"and I'm back in custody again."

0:28:310:28:33

I have experience of young men here

0:28:430:28:46

who I have saw coming back into custody maybe twice or three times,

0:28:460:28:49

and their ambition is to graduate

0:28:490:28:51

to the big house on the hill - to Maghaberry.

0:28:510:28:54

It holds no fear for them, and they say that,

0:28:550:28:58

"Well, if I'm coming back, I'll be over 21 and I'll go to Maghaberry."

0:28:580:29:01

And, where, in many cases,

0:29:030:29:05

they can be a fairly big fish in a small pond at Hydebank Wood,

0:29:050:29:09

they went to Maghaberry into a residential unit of 150 or 170 men

0:29:090:29:14

and found that, all of a sudden,

0:29:140:29:15

they were very small fish in a very large pond.

0:29:150:29:18

People in these houses are more settled.

0:29:340:29:36

But the committal houses will be a bit more unsettled,

0:29:360:29:41

a bit more harder for them to deal with.

0:29:410:29:43

And some people just find it hard to cope with,

0:29:470:29:49

and then throw in a load of family problems on top,

0:29:490:29:53

and...then boys just blow.

0:29:530:29:57

I suppose it could be overwhelming for some people, like, but...

0:30:000:30:04

I don't know, it's one of them ones, you either get used to or you don't.

0:30:040:30:08

I'm in doing 13 years'...

0:30:200:30:22

..life sentence, for...

0:30:240:30:28

A crime that...

0:30:290:30:31

Ah, God, I don't even... Can I stop a wee second?

0:30:310:30:35

Why are you in prison now?

0:30:360:30:38

I'm in doing 13 years for...murder.

0:30:380:30:42

For...

0:30:430:30:45

Seven years into my sentence.

0:30:450:30:47

Er...

0:30:470:30:48

Went out for a night out,

0:30:550:30:58

and a fight broke out, and...

0:30:580:31:00

..as result of that...

0:31:020:31:04

..I got a life sentence for it.

0:31:050:31:07

A fight broke out in a bar.

0:31:130:31:15

And...

0:31:160:31:18

It got split up and all,

0:31:180:31:20

and then we stayed in the bar.

0:31:200:31:22

Then when we went home,

0:31:220:31:24

they started phoning one of my mates.

0:31:240:31:28

Encouraging him up for a fight into Walsh Park.

0:31:290:31:32

We went up our road,

0:31:330:31:34

had a fight with them, got split up,

0:31:340:31:37

and then they came down and started attacking the house.

0:31:370:31:41

And...

0:31:420:31:43

..just...

0:31:450:31:46

It escalated.

0:31:480:31:50

So...

0:31:530:31:55

You guys, then, the fight started again?

0:31:560:31:59

The fight started again at the house.

0:31:590:32:01

Then somebody lost their life.

0:32:010:32:04

-How did that happen, Stephen?

-He was stabbed.

0:32:060:32:09

There was, like, about four of us in a room downstairs,

0:32:580:33:01

and it was like a house party.

0:33:010:33:03

We were all down in the bedroom and then he came just...

0:33:050:33:08

He came running in

0:33:080:33:10

and he just started shouting and all, and then...

0:33:100:33:13

I was like, "Calm down." I just kept saying to him, "Calm down."

0:33:150:33:18

And then cos I was obviously intoxicated and obviously,

0:33:210:33:24

drugs then, I carried it further,

0:33:240:33:26

because everything that happened to me through my life,

0:33:260:33:29

it just all came into my head and just...

0:33:290:33:31

just everything bottled up inside me,

0:33:310:33:33

I just lashed out, and then that was it.

0:33:330:33:35

And while I was walking up the hallway,

0:33:380:33:40

I seen a screwdriver and grabbed it. Just not thinking, do you know?

0:33:400:33:43

At the time, we were in a rage, and we were just...

0:33:430:33:45

But, let me tell you, I'll always think now, so I will.

0:33:480:33:51

Just there. Just near there...

0:33:520:33:54

Just there to the neck.

0:33:540:33:56

A stab wound to the neck, so it was.

0:33:570:33:59

Which just...

0:33:590:34:01

I just, right there, just near the...

0:34:020:34:04

Right near the side, started stabbing the neck.

0:34:040:34:07

You know?

0:34:070:34:08

Wasn't great. Definitely not.

0:34:100:34:12

That's what happened. I was intoxicated on drugs and...

0:34:160:34:19

..one thing led to another, and then...

0:34:200:34:23

I'm ashamed of it, if I was being honest.

0:34:230:34:26

Definitely am.

0:34:260:34:27

Tell me, during the bit, why you're in now.

0:34:510:34:54

Tell me what happened.

0:34:540:34:56

Riotous behaviour of a street robbery.

0:34:570:34:59

And the street robbery was just... being an eejit.

0:35:000:35:05

We were full of drugs and looking for an easy couple of quid,

0:35:050:35:09

you know, and getting into hassle and end up in prison, you know.

0:35:090:35:13

You feel sorry, because they were innocent people, you know,

0:35:150:35:18

just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and...

0:35:180:35:20

A couple of us were going short a few quid, and then it led to...

0:35:210:35:26

It was early morning, I think it was about 6.30am.

0:35:260:35:29

There was some people at the hole in the wall,

0:35:290:35:31

in the door and tried to rob them

0:35:310:35:33

and took a few quid and went and got drink straight away.

0:35:330:35:36

It was actually a bank holiday, it was an Easter...

0:35:360:35:39

Easter Monday, and the off sales was closed,

0:35:390:35:41

so we actually went down to Tesco's and filled a full trolley up

0:35:410:35:44

with drink and wheeled that there away too, you know?

0:35:440:35:47

Just... Just mad.

0:35:470:35:49

Who was the... Tell me about...

0:35:510:35:53

At the ATM, just tell me what happened.

0:35:530:35:55

Just a mad one, you know.

0:35:550:35:57

People up getting their money and maybe two or three of us

0:35:570:36:01

bounced out and bounced up, we grabbed the people and said,

0:36:010:36:05

"Listen, get the money out."

0:36:050:36:06

Putting a wee bit of pressure on them, you know,

0:36:070:36:10

giving them a wee bit of scare tactics, you know.

0:36:100:36:12

"If you don't get the money out,

0:36:120:36:14

"we're going to bash you," kind of thing, you know?

0:36:140:36:16

But this woman was assaulted?

0:36:170:36:19

Well, no, it's...

0:36:190:36:21

The bag... There was a bag or two, the bag was took off her,

0:36:210:36:25

stuff like that there, and so there was a bit of wrestling with her bag.

0:36:250:36:31

Apparently she broke one of her wee fingers or something, you know.

0:36:310:36:34

And the fella was there too. He got...

0:36:350:36:38

A couple of digs, you know?

0:36:380:36:40

So it was just a bit loose.

0:36:400:36:43

Looking back on it now, you feel bad for it, you know.

0:36:430:36:45

-So there was violence?

-Oh, there was violence in it, like, you know.

0:36:470:36:51

It's not good.

0:36:510:36:53

I've...

0:37:230:37:24

I've a few kids out there that I don't get seeing because of drugs.

0:37:240:37:27

Not just cos of drugs, because of violence too.

0:37:270:37:29

The cocaine takes over.

0:37:310:37:33

You do, you become a violent man.

0:37:330:37:35

I have two kids I haven't seen in over ten years.

0:37:360:37:40

Because of violence and because of drugs.

0:37:410:37:43

They know their daddy as a nasty big monster.

0:37:430:37:45

I still had the same mentality as my mother had.

0:37:500:37:53

All you have to do is put food on the table and pay the bills,

0:37:530:37:56

and put clothes on the kids' backs,

0:37:560:37:58

not that she done much of that, like,

0:37:580:38:01

but I thought that's what it was all about,

0:38:010:38:03

so I kept on with crime, kept selling my drugs,

0:38:030:38:05

kept ducking and diving from paramilitaries, and...

0:38:050:38:10

I lost my family because of it.

0:38:100:38:12

And I still to this day...

0:38:190:38:20

I still don't get to see them.

0:38:220:38:24

And... It kills me. It's...

0:38:250:38:28

I've got five kids now, and a partner,

0:38:280:38:31

and when I play with them, it's.

0:38:310:38:34

It's amazing, do you know?

0:38:340:38:35

And I show them my love, but I'm also filled with guilt.

0:38:350:38:38

And if I could change anything,

0:38:390:38:42

that would be the one thing I would change.

0:38:420:38:44

I would have walked away then,

0:38:440:38:46

instead of waiting until now to walk away.

0:38:460:38:48

That wee girl had a horrible life living with me.

0:38:500:38:54

A horrible life. It was...

0:38:540:38:55

It was soul-destroying.

0:38:560:38:59

The lifestyle, it was just drugs, drugs, crime, violence.

0:38:590:39:03

And on several occasions, I lifted my hand to her.

0:39:030:39:05

And...

0:39:070:39:09

I'm ashamed of myself, but that's...

0:39:090:39:12

That's one thing I've learned on the course now,

0:39:120:39:14

is about getting rid of guilt, but I don't think i can get rid of it.

0:39:140:39:17

Why do you think you were violent in the home?

0:39:190:39:21

I ask myself that millions of times.

0:39:230:39:25

I ask myself, and I think it was about self control.

0:39:250:39:28

I think it was because I felt worthless and she was

0:39:280:39:31

so bright and so happy and so cheerful, and...

0:39:310:39:35

..I think maybe it was bringing her down onto my level,

0:39:370:39:40

and having control over her.

0:39:400:39:42

I don't honestly know, but I think that's... To be truthful,

0:39:420:39:45

I think it was all about me having control of every situation.

0:39:450:39:49

And I didn't have control over her emotions,

0:39:490:39:51

and I think that's where the violence came in.

0:39:510:39:53

I suffer from mental health problems.

0:40:000:40:02

I have to take antidepressants and anti-psychotics,

0:40:020:40:06

-because it just...

-HE SCOFFS

0:40:060:40:09

I used to self-harm, and it's hard not to. It's very hard not to.

0:40:090:40:13

For the hurt and the pain that I've caused. You feel guilty.

0:40:130:40:17

You feel like, when you're on these courses, "Why do I deserve it?"

0:40:170:40:21

Especially when you hear prisoners,

0:40:210:40:23

a lot of prisoners have took their lives in here.

0:40:230:40:26

And you think to yourself, like, "That should have been me."

0:40:260:40:29

Kids that are in for nothing.

0:40:290:40:31

You hear kids outside hanging themselves.

0:40:310:40:34

Why is the Lord taking them? Why is he not taking me, for all the

0:40:340:40:36

bad things I've done?

0:40:360:40:37

You know, for all the people we've made suffer.

0:40:400:40:42

Whether it be a small crime or a big crime,

0:40:420:40:45

people do suffer through our actions.

0:40:450:40:48

And that's... It's not easy to live with.

0:40:490:40:51

Ain't happy about this place.

0:41:020:41:04

I've had enough.

0:41:050:41:06

No more.

0:41:080:41:10

Seen enough of this place to last me a lifetime.

0:41:100:41:13

Well, my plans are, for today, just for today,

0:41:360:41:41

is to go and get myself a mobile phone.

0:41:410:41:44

A big D8, and fix my room up, where I'm going.

0:41:440:41:50

And have a Chinese tonight.

0:41:510:41:54

Could you let us out, please? That's the last time I'll be saying that.

0:41:590:42:03

-Could you let us out?

-Two seconds, one second, Pat.

0:42:050:42:08

'I used to fly in and out of different countries,

0:42:110:42:15

'and I didn't drink.

0:42:150:42:17

'I took the odd San Miguel when I was in Spain.'

0:42:170:42:22

Bye!

0:42:220:42:24

And I'd have took that, and I'd have probably sat with that for hours.

0:42:240:42:27

But something happened in my life. I was raped.

0:42:280:42:32

And...

0:42:340:42:35

It's neither here nor there at the minute.

0:42:360:42:38

But I became...

0:42:400:42:42

..like...

0:42:430:42:44

..all hurt and closed up, and full of pain, full of emptiness.

0:42:460:42:52

You could have drove a bus through the emptiness.

0:42:530:42:56

And...

0:42:570:42:59

It was bad. It was really bad.

0:42:590:43:01

But I kept drinking the peace in and the peace out,

0:43:030:43:07

to kill this pain and to kill this emptiness.

0:43:070:43:10

# I'm coming home I've done my time... #

0:43:130:43:16

SHE LAUGHS

0:43:180:43:20

'My crime got worse after the rape.'

0:43:200:43:23

But you see, I maintain I should have been in a mental institution.

0:43:270:43:31

I shouldn't have been in prison.

0:43:310:43:34

I should have been getting treated for what was underlying,

0:43:340:43:38

cause of all this violence.

0:43:380:43:41

And having said that, my heart stopped twice two weeks ago.

0:43:440:43:51

I took an overdose.

0:43:510:43:53

Because I couldn't stick any more of this place.

0:43:550:43:57

People come into prisons with all sorts of problems

0:44:460:44:50

and all sorts of complications in their lives,

0:44:500:44:53

and therefore there is a reflection in terms of the challenges

0:44:530:44:57

that there are in the community and the challenges that there are

0:44:570:45:00

in prisons, whether it's through mental health issues or

0:45:000:45:02

whether it's through addictions.

0:45:020:45:04

Around 49% of those who arrive in prison would indicate to us

0:45:070:45:12

that they have addiction problems, but prison should never be seen

0:45:120:45:16

as a dumping ground, out of sight, out of mind.

0:45:160:45:19

Our entire focus ought to be and should be on rehabilitating

0:45:210:45:26

those within our care in order that we can make a difference not just to

0:45:260:45:31

the lives of the individuals, but to the communities that they return to.

0:45:310:45:34

We are very fortunate in this jurisdiction that there is not

0:45:400:45:45

a significant injecting culture.

0:45:450:45:47

There's not a hard drug culture, but certainly,

0:45:470:45:51

there is an overreliance on prescribed medication,

0:45:510:45:55

and that addiction,

0:45:550:45:57

that addiction that starts for most people at quite an early age,

0:45:570:46:01

and that hunger and that craving, and drug seeking behaviour,

0:46:010:46:06

certainly, carries through here.

0:46:060:46:08

However, in custody, when the supply can be erratic on their part,

0:46:140:46:18

then I suppose, in some way,

0:46:180:46:20

it helps to explain why there can be some...serious outcomes where,

0:46:200:46:26

if people get it, then they take a lot of it.

0:46:260:46:29

But sometimes, it's not the ones who are the most obvious,

0:46:360:46:40

it's the ones who are unseen, the ones who, you know,

0:46:400:46:42

we are unaware of, that are users,

0:46:420:46:45

or have managed to get something that puts themselves in the

0:46:450:46:49

most danger and really puts us to the point of understandable

0:46:490:46:53

public criticism, whenever something goes wrong.

0:46:530:46:57

I was brought up, always had money and family.

0:47:110:47:15

They didn't like me taking drugs,

0:47:150:47:18

and they were trying to deal with it at the same time,

0:47:180:47:20

and then my mum and all that being unwell,

0:47:200:47:23

I was putting more pressure on them instead.

0:47:230:47:25

I was arguing with brothers and sisters over it,

0:47:250:47:28

and they're trying to tell you, "What about the family and all?

0:47:280:47:30

"You're not worrying about that there."

0:47:300:47:32

Then it starts more arguments. You're saying to yourself,

0:47:320:47:35

"You are worrying about the family."

0:47:350:47:37

But really, you weren't at the time, it was just,

0:47:370:47:39

"Where am I getting my next hit?" That was the main thing, you know.

0:47:390:47:42

And then, when I started to come off them,

0:47:440:47:48

ended up in Holywell, into a mental hospital

0:47:480:47:52

coming off a load of tablets and all this.

0:47:520:47:55

My head went, and all you can think of is suicide, and then

0:47:550:48:00

when you come to prison, you don't realise how lucky you are outside.

0:48:000:48:03

With the freedom. You think...

0:48:030:48:04

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to sit here and say prison's hard.

0:48:040:48:07

It's easy enough, but it's the wee stupid things.

0:48:070:48:10

Like a couple of wee nephews being born and stuff like that.

0:48:100:48:13

Just breaks your heart in here, you know?

0:48:130:48:15

To be honest, when I got out last time, the first day I got out,

0:48:250:48:29

I was straight back to what I was doing.

0:48:290:48:31

I think it's just, this time, I'm getting older,

0:48:340:48:36

starting to wise up a wee bit, you know.

0:48:360:48:38

And just certain things family members have said to me, you know,

0:48:380:48:41

like, "You come back out, you do the same thing again, we're not going

0:48:410:48:44

"to stand by you this time. You can do it on your own."

0:48:440:48:47

You don't want to lose family over out getting yourself

0:48:470:48:49

a couple of quid or out getting yourself a hit, you know?

0:48:490:48:52

I'm only 23 and I've spent more or less six years in prison.

0:48:530:48:57

Just shows you, for me, at 17, just been in prison.

0:48:590:49:02

-So, just confirm your name and number for me?

-H5009.

0:49:060:49:09

-Right, you're getting licence today.

-Yeah.

-OK. You've probably heard

0:49:090:49:12

-your licence conditions over the last couple of days.

-Yeah.

0:49:120:49:15

-I'll just go back over them now for you.

-Yeah, no problem.

0:49:150:49:18

So, under the provisions of Article 17 of the Criminal Justice Order,

0:49:180:49:21

your supervision commences today and expires on 12/12/2018.

0:49:210:49:26

You'll be under the supervision of the same probation officer

0:49:260:49:28

and must comply with the conditions of this licence.

0:49:280:49:31

The objectives of the supervision are to protect the public,

0:49:310:49:33

prevent reoffending and achieve your successful rehabilitation.

0:49:330:49:35

On release, you must report directly to the probation officer,

0:49:350:49:39

and that's at four o'clock today...

0:49:390:49:42

You must submit to drug and alcohol testing

0:49:420:49:43

as agreed with your probation officer.

0:49:430:49:45

In accordance with Article 24...

0:49:460:49:48

Drug... What did you say?

0:49:480:49:49

Drug and alcohol testing is agreed with your probation officer.

0:49:490:49:52

They told me he'd lifted the drug test one.

0:49:520:49:54

It's there at the moment...

0:49:540:49:56

'My dream was... Fancy car, fancy lifestyle. That was the dream.

0:49:560:50:02

'Aye, the fancy lifestyle. That was the dream, you know. Become big.

0:50:020:50:07

'But I never became big. I always went to jail, so I never.

0:50:070:50:12

'I always end up in here, in prison.'

0:50:120:50:14

I was walking down the road with

0:50:170:50:19

my son and he says, "Look, Daddy, when will you back down and see me?"

0:50:190:50:22

And I said, "Look, Daddy has to go to work, son,"

0:50:220:50:23

cos he's only seven and he doesn't really understand.

0:50:230:50:25

I don't want him seeing me in prison and stuff.

0:50:250:50:27

Still, I keep in phone contact with him.

0:50:270:50:29

But...

0:50:290:50:31

I said, "Daddy has to go away to work,"

0:50:310:50:33

and he said, "No, Daddy, I don't want you to go away to work."

0:50:330:50:36

"I don't like it." And to be quite honest,

0:50:360:50:38

I left him off at his mother's house,

0:50:380:50:40

I walked away, and I'm not lying, tears came to my eyes, like, it did.

0:50:400:50:43

You know what I mean? Cos I'm leaving my son,

0:50:430:50:45

and I didn't know what the impact of the case was going to be.

0:50:450:50:48

You know? I didn't know... I was thinking...

0:50:480:50:52

Still think four years is a long time, because,

0:50:540:50:56

that's four years of my life and four years of my son's life.

0:50:560:50:59

But also, I had to think about what I done.

0:51:000:51:02

I shouldn't have done what I done, so I shouldn't have.

0:51:020:51:04

You couldn't give me nothing in all this world to compare to my son.

0:51:120:51:16

He's... I love him to bits, like, you know, but...

0:51:160:51:19

Me coming in and out of here is not right. It's not fair on him.

0:51:190:51:21

It's not fair on myself, but I've only myself to blame, you know?

0:51:210:51:25

So I have, so...

0:51:250:51:26

It's my time now for me to get out now and get a new start,

0:51:260:51:29

get myself a nice wee apartment or a house, do my driving test,

0:51:290:51:32

and it means I can go and take him on days out and stuff.

0:51:320:51:34

It's time to change my life around, so it is. You know?

0:51:340:51:37

It can be done.

0:51:390:51:41

There's no point sitting in saying, "I'll think about doing it."

0:51:410:51:44

You can do it.

0:51:440:51:46

Just getting up and doing it and just staying out of prison,

0:51:460:51:49

that's the way it's going to be.

0:51:490:51:51

I just don't want to come back here no more. I'm actually tired of it.

0:51:510:51:54

I'm sick of it.

0:51:540:51:55

That's me, lads. Thanks very much, all right. No bother. All right?

0:51:560:52:00

Sick of the jail. Sick of the lifestyle.

0:52:010:52:05

You know, I'm sick of it. I am.

0:52:050:52:08

I've grew up a lot in here, you know what I mean?

0:52:220:52:24

I think, outside,

0:52:260:52:27

I was very immature and just didn't think things through,

0:52:270:52:30

and now... Now, yeah, I've definitely grew up a bit in here.

0:52:300:52:36

All I want is my two boys round me now.

0:52:380:52:41

Everything else is just...

0:52:410:52:45

Doesn't matter.

0:52:460:52:47

Well, one of them knows nothing, and one of them knows just a wee bit.

0:52:520:52:56

He asked me about it on a visit and I told him he was too young

0:52:560:53:01

and I would explain to him when he's old enough to deal with it.

0:53:010:53:05

But...

0:53:050:53:07

I don't know why somebody put it into his head to ask,

0:53:070:53:11

because I was a bit taken aback by it.

0:53:110:53:15

I thought he was a bit too young to be asking a question like that.

0:53:150:53:18

You send cards out, but...

0:53:200:53:22

It's all you can do in here, and that, you know, ends.

0:53:240:53:27

It's not like you can be there for them.

0:53:270:53:29

Family life's amazing. I have a wonderful partner.

0:53:400:53:43

I never, ever thought I'd have kids again. I've five amazing kids.

0:53:430:53:47

To be truthful, I'm glad I came to jail.

0:53:520:53:55

I know you might think that's strange,

0:53:550:53:56

"Why would he be glad to come to jail?"

0:53:560:53:58

Because it was breaking point for me. I needed this.

0:53:580:54:01

And... I was still taking drugs up until I came to jail.

0:54:010:54:05

You know, I had everybody convinced I wasn't, but I was.

0:54:070:54:10

It was a lot better lifestyle.

0:54:100:54:12

I wasn't selling, I wasn't doing this, that and the other, but...

0:54:130:54:17

It was a lot better lifestyle than I had with my other kids, and...

0:54:170:54:21

But my kids were amazing. I'm doing this...

0:54:210:54:24

I'm doing this for me, but for my kids. I am changing myself.

0:54:240:54:28

I've tried before to change it for the kids. It doesn't work.

0:54:280:54:31

I need to change it because I want to change.

0:54:310:54:33

Do you worry that your children could be tempted or be lead

0:54:350:54:38

by what they know of your life and follow it?

0:54:380:54:40

Scares the life out of me,

0:54:400:54:42

because when I was involved in drugs,

0:54:420:54:45

I was the sort of person what would pull kids in and get them to

0:54:450:54:49

feel great, and basically picked on the ones that was like me.

0:54:490:54:53

You know, you can see boys like me in the crowd, you make them

0:54:540:54:57

feel loved and then you get them selling drugs, and it does scare me.

0:54:570:55:01

It scares the life out of me that my kids or anybody else's kids

0:55:010:55:04

would ever go through this life. Because it's not a life.

0:55:040:55:07

I'm going to change. Not I am going to change, I have changed.

0:55:090:55:13

With the help of... Thought I'd never say this,

0:55:150:55:17

but with the help of the prison service, my life has changed.

0:55:170:55:21

I'm drug-free. Drug-free. Them two words...

0:55:210:55:26

I always swore when I grew up, I was going to be a good daddy.

0:55:290:55:34

I was the worst daddy than what I could ever imagine.

0:55:340:55:37

Letting the two kids down.

0:55:370:55:40

That's the hardest thing to deal with.

0:55:420:55:44

And then the guilt of the things I've done through crime.

0:55:440:55:48

I think my biggest crime is not being a father to my children.

0:55:480:55:51

And that's... I don't think I'll ever get over that, never.

0:55:530:55:56

And if the kids are watching this, I'm sorry.

0:55:590:56:01

I really am.

0:56:030:56:04

And I will try and change it.

0:56:070:56:08

It's not easy, people think... People think we are just animals.

0:56:150:56:19

People look at us and just go, "Let them rot in there." It's not easy.

0:56:200:56:24

We can't change.

0:56:240:56:26

SHE SHOUTS

0:56:360:56:39

Yahoo!

0:56:390:56:40

All right, Samantha, love?

0:56:430:56:44

Are you well?

0:56:460:56:47

All right, boys?

0:56:500:56:52

Why do you feel...it can be different this time?

0:56:580:57:02

Because I'm different.

0:57:030:57:07

I'm a changed person, so I am.

0:57:070:57:12

I have been rehabilitated.

0:57:120:57:13

Cos I've been here so long.

0:57:160:57:18

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an angel.

0:57:200:57:24

But, the end of the day. I don't want to hurt no-one.

0:57:240:57:28

OK, yes, I'm happy as a pig in shite.

0:57:300:57:33

Yee-ha!

0:57:360:57:38

'It's people, you see, that I have to deal with.'

0:57:410:57:45

'And you get all kinds of people everywhere.'

0:57:500:57:54

It's just that it's me that has to change,

0:57:560:58:02

instead of the world, me trying to change the world.

0:58:020:58:05

I have to change.

0:58:070:58:09

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