Episode 2 Rent a Cop

This site, it's going to be houses,

and they're pinching bricks at the minute, you know,

which you don't see often, so we want them caught.

It's adrenaline filled. You get home to bed

at six in the morning, seven in the morning.

You're like an owl because you're that hyper

of catching a burglar.

How I'm going to catch these culprits is

we have to remain on site, hiding like a sniper.

You're not seen and you're not heard.

LOUD CRASH

HE LAUGHS

Darlington, north-east England.

In this historic market town,

one man's on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

I'm better than Rambo. I'm Spartacus.

Fearless Francis Jones.

Raaarrgh!

If you have a problem, day or night...

I'm like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

..if no-one else can help...

There's no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like.

..and if you can find him...

When I was a kid I was in the Beavers for four months

and we underwent training.

..maybe you can hire Sparta Security.

Spartan warriors were a tribe of people

who had courage, who were strong.

When you drive down the road the kids always shout,

"This is Sparta!"

The vehicle is dressed up like a pseudo police vehicle!

What does pseudo mean?

If you want a steak you go and get a sirloin.

If you want ice cream you go to Tom and Jerry's.

You know, if you want security, you come and see Spartacus.

SIREN

Previously...

We daren't walk down the street of a night.

..Francis declared war on nuisance bikers

and got given the run-around.

I can put a stop to it. I just need the evidence first.

Right.

Former pro boxer Francis Jones

runs Sparta Security from his Darlington office.

That is the face of prettiness.

His work protecting both residents and businesses

means he's rarely out of the spotlight.

How do you feel being at the centre of all this?

It's exciting what we do. I have men dressing up like Rambo,

hiding in the bushes with ghillie suits on.

I am a maverick. I'm an action man.

I like to make a difference.

It's growing all the time.

Sparta employ around 40 staff across the north-east.

As part of the company's expansion plans,

they've taken on a sales and marketing apprentice -

former thief and burglar, Luke "Pembo" Pemberton.

Today I'm out smashing Sparta Street Safe.

I'm trying to get as many leaflets

and as many people on board as I can.

It's a well-to-do area - big houses, nice gardens.

This is where people are going to target.

It's not hard work. You've just to walk around.

Your feet get tired, but obviously you've got to keep the boss happy,

so that's what I've got to do, haven't I?

Just a little leaflet, just about Sparta Security.

Cheers, sir, thank you.

He wants to put his criminal past behind him, and has big ambitions.

My ultimate goal is to actually become a salesman for Sparta.

Fighting crime - it's being on the other side.

There's two sides to it. It's cat and mouse

and basically, this time I want to be the cat.

I don't want to be the mouse, I want to be the cat.

Pembo isn't licensed for security work,

but if he passes a trial period,

could have a full time job as a salesman.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much.

With his first Sparta pay cheque,

he's splashing out on a gift for his nana.

This is the first bunch of flowers I've bought my nan.

She deserves it. She's the best nana in the world.

I'm out earning money, do you know what I mean?

It's not a lot of money. I'm not a rock star or owt,

but I still have a happy life, so yeah, I'm happy.

-I've got you a bunch of flowers here.

-Oh, thank you!

They're absolutely gorgeous. Oh, thank you.

-Thanks very much.

-Just a little token to say thank you.

Oh, thank you, they're lovely.

So what are you doing, then?

Leaflets.

I'm happy anyway. At least I'm out working.

Well, as I say, it's better than being on the dole.

It gives you something to do.

It's all experience, isn't it?

So other than that, I've got just to keep my nose clean.

-I'm going to go and get changed now, anyways.

-OK, then.

Nana Val is surprised Pembo has lasted this long.

He's obviously doing his best,

but Luke does that - whether it be good, bad or indifferent,

he'll put 120% in it until he gets fed up.

When he was on the drugs and what have you, me and my daughter

used to say that if we had a glass eye or a leg that screwed off

that was worth something, he'd come up through the night,

unscrew our leg, take our eye out,

and go and sell it and leave us stranded.

He'd just leave us there with no leg and no eye.

Pembo's hoping to prove that this time he's changed for good.

She believes in me, that's the main thing.

That's what I keep saying, like - my nana believes in me,

so I'm going to do her proud. That's what my mission is now.

You get people on the Jeremy Kyle show,

and all the audience is absolutely shocked about what these,

you know, say, young lads have been doing,

and I'm sat there looking at them, and I'm thinking,

he's an angel compared to him.

Come on, darling.

Come and see Nana. Come and see Nana.

Francis was recently hired by a resident

complaining about dangerous motorbikes.

Today he's responding to a disturbance at a local park.

I'm going to a football game

to watch the Redhall Tigers.

There's been problems with motorcycles

going up and down the football pitch.

I'm going to provide a solution to the job,

cos Sparta are pollution solvers... Are solution solvers.

The Redhall Tigers were almost named the worst team in England

after losing a game 19-1 to a team of florists from Sunderland.

-So you just concentrate on your game.

-Yeah.

-Getting the victory,

and I'll concentrate on doing the job over here, all right?

Spartan Francis, yeah? Thank you very much.

Now the Tigers' leaky defence

are also at the mercy of unwanted pitch invasions.

One instance we had, we were having an actual football game

and he came right across the pitch.

It's dangerous for one, isn't it? Quad bikes flying across the pitch

when there's 22 players out there. I mean, it they hit one of them,

could cause some serious injuries.

Francis hopes to help stop the problem

before someone gets hurt.

We're never above the police.

We're just an added bonus. We're a presence.

We'll get out on the street and help them,

make the community a better place.

-Car's just been clamped.

-Has it?

THEY LAUGH

Francis being here, with him stood there on the sideline -

soon as people see Francis, everybody knows who he is,

so they turn round and go the other way, don't they?

Francis mingles with the Tigers' supporters.

How do you get out of that? How do you get out of that?

And before long...

ENGINE REVVING

He gave it some rev, and he wouldn't come nowhere near me.

I'm not going to catch them. I'm not that fast, like.

I can't outrun a motorbike.

Francis isn't giving up.

Mission's not over till the fat lady sings,

so I'm going to go again and catch the motorbike boys.

And it's not about when the fat lady sings,

it's about when the fat man sings, and I ain't sang yet.

Friday, 6pm.

Francis is about to have an important phone call

with his chief of staff.

PHONE RINGS

-'Hello.'

-Have the tea on the table, please. Five minutes.

'"Have the tea..." You think you're in the Hilton, you, don't you?'

Tea's on the table in five minutes as ordered,

and I'll have no backchat, thank you very much. I'll see you in five.

Rachel cooks me tea because I employ her,

right? And she's under orders.

She's got to butter up the boss.

That's why she makes me tea, and sometimes me breakfast.

Rachel's managed Sparta since 2012.

Today she's working from home and cooking dinner for the boss.

I think I've just always spoilt him. He thinks it's a hotel.

Dinner time, tea-time, "I want it on the table, now,"

and then he turns up half an hour later.

"Is there any more? Is there a starter?

"Is there any crisps? Is there bread and butter?"

Unreal. Honestly, Eddie, anyway,

I best get this on the table or else he'll be whingeing.

Rachel's days on feeding duty may be numbered.

I've been asking God for a wife for a long time.

I've even told him what cup size I want her,

cos the Bible says ask and you shall receive.

But Francis has a weakness that tests his Christian faith.

The Bible says he blesses obedience,

and to be obedient to God, you've got to stop,

you know, getting your corey out.

A corey is your dangler.

You know, that's probably why I am still single

and I haven't got my Princess Queen,

because little Franny Jones,

you know, his corey comes out far too much.

No, we don't want none today.

-How you doing?

-All right.

Good girl. I hope my tea's ready.

I hope it's warm. I hope it's on the table.

Oooh, beautiful.

What's for starters?

On the agenda, new apprentice Pembo's progress.

I think Pembo's going to be a good lad.

I think he's genuine, I think he's down to earth,

I think what you get is what you see

and I think he's going to stick in and work hard.

Yeah. Well, my thoughts are,

maybe after a couple of... the honeymoon period, Rach,

is he still going to have that enthusiasm? So...

Well, we can only see. Just give him a chance, isn't it?

-Then if he doesn't do the job, he's out, simple as that.

-Amen.

As a Christian company,

Sparta offer mentoring to young people with troubled backgrounds.

It doesn't always pay off.

We've stuck our necks out taking Pembo on, you know?

He's had criminal offences before.

Sometimes you think, do leopards change their spots or not?

Because they just go back to the same old habits,

and it's really sad, because you can see them coming on,

you can see them doing well, and then they just go back.

Right. For dessert, Rach?

Monday morning. Francis has a surprise mission for Pembo...

-Hello, Francis.

-Hello, Pembo. How you doing?

Hello, son.

..to sell Sparta's security services to a business.

He's a young kid, 30-year-old.

Be good to introduce ourselves to him

and just give him the Sparta crack, yeah?

Yeah, no problem. No problem, Francis.

It's a mission to test Pembo's development as a salesman.

Write me a list with all the prices of what you charge,

cos I don't know the prices.

First he needs to prepare and rehearse his sales pitch.

Is it a family run business?

No, it's not a family run business.

With Pembo, we are taking a huge risk,

but you know, I'm not... I'm not radged.

I'm not daft as a brush, right? I'm not a little divvy.

I know what I'm doing.

How do you spell company?

He's got the gift of the gab.

He could sell a gypsy a mortgage.

Good morning, sir. My name's Sparta Security... Ah.

My name's Luke Pemberton. I come from a company called Sparta Security.

We're a family run business. We deal with all types...

types of security.

Ugh.

Nah.

If I made a sale, it'd be a confidence booster for one.

It would obviously make me feel good.

it'd obviously bring team morale to the office.

And yeah, it's on the right track, then, innit?

I'm going to go in there, and I just need to blow their socks off, don't I?

As soon as I get my pitch right, that's it.

Hello, there. My name's Luke Pemberton.

I come from a company called Sparta Security.

It's a little family run business.

We deal with all types of security.

He's gone.

Francis is preparing for a special mission of his own.

So what time am I meeting you?

That should be fine.

I'll see you at half six, then. All right.

In a bit. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye.

I'm taking a lass out.

Just met her the other day at the, erm...

the Army Surplus Store.

I just says, "Do you fancy having a drink and a bit of food?"

I've been working nights.

I don't know where nothing is, and I ain't got an iron.

I don't know what I'm going to wear.

I still have marmalade on me hair at the back there from Monday.

Francis is going straight out from the office.

Not having all the mod cons means he has to improvise.

I'm free, I'm single, I'm ready to mingle. No problems at all.

If we do get down and jiggy, then it is what it is.

I feel like a million men, all put together.

I feel invincible.

The reason that I went for this outfit, OK,

the truth of it is, because...

..I don't have any more outfits.

If it comes to more than 60 quid I can't pay.

-LAUGHING:

-Take her out on a date and you can't pay the thing, huh?

Despite being a surveillance expert,

some logistical details have eluded Francis.

What's this girl's name?

I'm not sure of her name because, right,

I can't remember what she said.

And where you picking her up?

I don't have a clue. It's somewhere on this street.

I think it's this street, anyway.

So I'll just beep the horn.

See if she comes out.

HORN BEEPS

I don't think she lives on this road, like, cos no-one's coming out.

HORN BEEPS

PHONE RINGS

What number do you live at again?

'I'm in the window. Can you see me, no?'

Oh, is that your house there? OK.

'No, just stop. You're going - where are you going?'

I'm going past it, I'm going past it.

Oh, that's your house. I was outside the house.

You all right?

-Hello, love. How you doing?

-I'm OK.

-They're yours.

-Thank you.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

-So I was on nights last night.

-Were you?

-And then on earlies this morning.

-Did you catch any burglars?

Never caught none last night.

-Are you a bit nervous?

-Yeah, bit nervous.

Well, you look well. I like them.

-Thank you.

-They look nice.

'Women, women, women.'

Oh, boy.

You know, I have given a lot of joy to a lot of women.

This is where the rich people come.

Francis and his date, Rachel,

are dining at a trendy local eatery The Coach House.

-Do you know how you properly taste it?

-Yeah, you're meant to smell it

and swill it around in the glass, and have a little mouthful

-and swill it around in your mouth.

-And spit it.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You're supposed to spit it.

-You are.

-Not supposed to swallow.

-Do you spit or swallow?

-Shut up.

No, what? No, I'm saying with this here!

SHE LAUGHS

Touch my leg. Put your hand on my leg, and look at me,

look in my eyes while you do it.

-Go on. And lick your lips.

-Shush!

Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

Here.

-I like yours better than mine.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

I don't like pink meat.

I love pink meat.

Yeah, I bet you do.

He's very funny and very entertaining.

I don't know the downfalls yet.

SHE LAUGHS

-Do you see, like, kind of relationship material in him?

-Well...

Maybe.

SHE LAUGHS

Thank you very much. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

-WHISPERING:

-Where we going?

-Ah, we'll go in these bushes here.

-Sh!

SHE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY

It's the morning after Francis's date,

but did his Christian faith keep his corey under control?

Nowt happened. I wouldn't let nowt happen because, I said to her,

I said, "Listen." I said, "I'm a Christian man.

"I can't do this, that and the other to you.

"I've got to do what God says and he says no pratty pratty.

"That's what he says in the Bible."

So I didn't do it.

I just knocked one out when she went home.

-It's time for Pembo's first Sparta sales pitch.

-Boom.

He's pitching to the boss of a property management company.

I've got that knack of just going into somewhere -

I'm not bothered, I'll get in front of anyone.

I'll talk to the Queen. "How you doing, darling? You all right?"

Know what I mean? It's just how I am, like. That's my personality.

Francis wants to sit back and let his apprentice take the lead.

-All right.

-This is Luke.

-Nice to meet you. How you doing?

-All right, yeah?

-Not bad, mate.

You know, it says in the Bible, if I can't trust you on a little scale,

then I can't trust you on a big scale,

and so it's the same in life.

I need to know about his character more.

Sparta was set up in 2009.

It works with a range of businesses up and down the country.

We've got a range of tactics that we use.

We've got a different tariffs for businesses,

different tariffs for homes.

For £3.50 you get one random sweep a night,

so that's seven sweeps a week and that's £35 a week.

Er, no, it's not, sorry - it's £3.50, so times seven...

So it's £3.50 a night.

We also do a call-out.

If your alarm goes off, our call-out fee I think is...

For houses it...

For businesses it's £50, I think, for a call-out fee.

I think it's... Is it £15 for a call-out for a household?

-£20.

-£20.

Pembo's come unstuck with his figures.

Erm...

And you have a team of how many?

Erm, there's...

Well, I know ten,

-but there's a lot more - there's about 30 guys altogether.

-Right.

-So it is working.

-Yeah.

-It is stopping crime.

-Yeah.

So would you be interested in anything that Luke said today?

I think the main negative, which a lot of sales people

make the mistake of, is telling you all about their business

-but not asking you a question about your business.

-About your business.

You need to ask the questions, what are they actually looking for,

-before you tell them about your service.

-Yeah, that's right.

-Yeah.

It's, like, believe in yourself.

That's where I've failed through a lot of my life,

-I haven't believed in myself, or...

-Right. Right, yeah.

-All right.

-Nice to meet you guys.

It's no deal.

-Thank you.

-See yous later

Very enthusiastic,

but he did talk too much.

When he first came in, as well, he sort of greeted me

as if I was, like, one of his lad mates,

rather than sort of, like, a workplace professional.

But overall, nice guy, enthusiastic.

He just needs a little bit more work.

To make it as a salesman, Pembo needs to raise his game.

This time next month I should have it.

If I don't, then that means I'm shit.

Francis is back on his one-man mission

to put a stop to Darlington's nuisance bikers.

So there's not a real special protocol that you've got to follow.

Just keep your ears open and your eyes wide open.

This time he's brought backup.

Dear Lord God. Can you, God, please answer the request, the prayer?

So when we're here now, God, can you direct me to the bikers?

Can you let me, Father God, catch them?

I can't hear them. Can you?

REVVING ENGINES

His prayers have been answered.

All Francis needs to do now is get close enough to the bikers.

I might run up to them, right -

I might do a roly-poly,

to make it look more intense.

He has a plan to stay undetected.

I don't want them to suspect anything,

so I've turned the top inside out to try and get close to them.

Just being covert, isn't it? Thinking outside the box.

DOGS BARKING

DISTANT ENGINE

Francis gives chase through the undergrowth.

ENGINE REVS

There's a bike over there.

Just got stung by nettles.

And in a clearing in the woods, an evening bonfire and two motorbikes.

Hello, mate. You all right?

ENGINE REVS

I could have caught him, by the way.

So boys, all it is - we're trying to tell the lads,

if you know anyone who does the things over the field...

-There's too many of them.

-Cos I don't want -

and I'm sure you're all sound as a pound -

but I don't want the thing. Cos if you're playing football

and you can't play cos someone's gone over on the field on his bike,

just your pal there, which is fair do's with him taking off - I can understand it, you know.

He can do whatever he wants. I'm just asking, I'm not telling him.

But it's good fitness, by the way. You know, it's unbelievable.

-THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Aye, it's unreal.

And so, I'm saying, can you pass the message on?

-Is that all right, boys?

-Yeah.

-Anyway, give us a pint and we'll have done with it.

-Eh?

LAUGHTER

All right, lads. See you in a bit, eh?

He didn't catch a biker or get a beer,

but Francis hopes the polite approach will help solve the problem.

Niceness is the way forward.

I'll do it again tomorrow, and then if they continue,

do you know what then? Photographs.

Do I feel like a hero?

I feel like I'm a benefit to society.

You know? But no, I don't. I don't feel like a hero, like.

I suppose every hero says that.

10pm - another mission for Francis.

We've come to the golf club.

There's been reports of antisocial behaviour,

kids lurking round the premises.

You know, antisocial, criminal -

burning flags, graffiti-ing.

Maybe just over the river's

an estate where sometimes you get naughty parties.

After his failed sales pitch,

Pembo has another chance to impress the boss.

Don't, with the door, just... That's it, good lad.

Pembo needs to sell to big businesses.

He needs to know what we do.

If you have the knowledge, you can sell whatever area you're in.

You'll have confidence with that.

So I'm going to tell him how to catch burglars.

He's an ex-criminal so maybe he'll tell me.

This time, Pembo's on familiar ground.

They say to catch a thief you've got to act like a thief, haven't you?

That's what I went to prison for,

so I'm going to help Francis as much as I could.

It's just how it is, like - you will get young people

coming out and about, whether they're smashing glass bottles

or drinking cider or taking drugs,

this is the type of place where they will come and do it.

Pembo helps Francis scope out the perimeter.

I have an ear for any distinct sound,

and so we follow the noise.

And they find an important clue.

-That's where they're getting in.

-That's where they're getting in.

That's where they're getting in, along here to go on the golf course.

So Pembo, what age did you come out when you were...

when you were on the job?

I was out and about from the age of 14

all the way up until I was about 19. 18, 19. Just out mooching.

And what times were you going out?

-As soon as the sun set.

-Right, yeah. Till?

Er...

ones, twos, threes - whenever.

-Looking for anything?

-Just mooching, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you saw a job - would you see a job in the daytime and think

you'd come up, would you do it by yourself or with pals?

No, no, I don't... I've never done anything...

-I'd always do as a part of a team up, a few of us.

-Oh, is it?

Yeah, I wouldn't... Never do it on my own.

-Yeah. Why not?

-Never had the balls.

-Oh, have you not?

-No.

-That's fair enough.

-HE LAUGHS

They haven't cracked the case.

I think the job needs recceing, it needs sussing out first.

-Yeah, it needs sussing better, don't it?

-We need to know all the holes, we need to know where the pond is.

We're using Tic Tacs, not tactics.

But Francis has seen signs of progress in his young apprentice.

Pembo, I would like him to be a trained guard dog.

You know, I've taken him on board,

I've said, "Listen, I'll hear you," to change and be moulded.

Cos I see in him... I have faith in him, right? I have faith in him.

It hasn't been very exciting, has it? But...

I don't get excited over kids.

I get excited over big hairy-arse men burgling in and I rock up

at 2 o'clock and they don't have a clue we're there, right?

-That's when, you know, you get a buzz.

-Yeah.

When I get scared. Didn't get scared at all tonight,

not even a little bit, I wasn't scared.

Do you know what I'm saying?

-Next time...

-Ooooh!

Francis goes undercover to catch the nuisance bikers.

We're just waiting for the terrorists to come on site -

ie, kids on motorbikes.

Sparta reach out to the gay community.

Heeeeey!

And Pembo's past catches up with him.

You've got an issue with drugs, right?

And I say you did have drugs,

that's what I say, cos you looked wired.