Episode 3 Rent a Cop

This programme contains some strong language

I'm from Sparta Security.

Just if you know, there's a person there in a red dress.

who's a transvestite.

Janice, she's called. That's the prime target we're looking after.

I haven't seen her. I haven't seen her in the club.

You know, she disappears.

Do you know, where is Janice? Like Where's Wally - Where's Janice?

Darlington, North East England.

In this historic market town,

one man is on a mission to make crime a thing of the past...

I'm better than Rambo. I'm Spartacus.

..Fearless Francis Jones.

Arr!

If you have a problem, day or night...

I'm like a doctor to the burglars - I give them their medicine.

If no-one else can help...

There's no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like.

..and if you can find him...

When I was a kid, I was in the Beavers for four months

and we underwent training.

..maybe you can hire Sparta Security.

Spartan Warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong.

When you drive down the road, the kids always shout,

"This is Sparta!"

The vehicle is dressed up like a pseudo police vehicle.

-What does "pseudo" mean?

-Right...

If you want a steak, you go and get a sirloin.

If you want an ice cream, you go to Tom and Jerry's.

If you want security, you come see Spartacus.

Sparta Security boss and devout Christian Francis Jones

is responding to a report of burglary in Central Darlington.

The Bible says, "He who thinks he's anyone is a no-one."

Do you know? We should be humble.

I don't proclaim I'm a big man or nothing like that, you know?

I don't proclaim... But I have got courage to me bones

and I do try to make Darlington a safer place.

I'm Francis from Sparta Security, mate.

-The back, where the utility room is...

-Yeah.

..the window was smashed.

-Oh, so they got in here?

-Yeah.

Right, so obviously they got in here.

So, they were hoping to break into this house.

Got to be devious. Got to be sly.

Jay and Mattie have been living together for the past 18 months.

So, they come through that door, then?

-Yeah, that's what we think.

-Just rammed it open.

-Mm-hmm.

Is this the first time your back door's been knocked in?

-Yeah.

-Eh?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, right, I get you!

-LAUGHTER

Bit slow on that, wasn't I?

-Oh, that's what they've done?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Then, if you go along...

I'll come across his penis getting sucked.

LAUGHTER

I bet I would, if I keep flicking, eh?

I would go for an alarm in the house, you know?

-And get sensors on these doors.

-Yeah.

We could do you a CCTV camera and we can patrol, no problem.

-£3.50 a week is next to nowt. All right, then, lads.

-All right.

-Cos you've got a skirt on.

-Sun's out.

Beautiful. You look well, you look well. Ah, she does.

-DOG BARKS

-Hello.

Rach, you left the door wide open.

Back at HQ, Sparta's office team, Claire and Rachel,

are assembled for a meeting.

I've got the other employees.

Rach doesn't like being called an employee. She said, "It's 50/50."

I don't know where she got this "50/50" thing from.

Hoping to make a good impression is new apprentice Pembow.

He's been trying to get company stickers in local shop windows.

I walked up here, I went to that little scooter shop there,

they've got a sticker up in their window, they're happy.

Everyone round this area now has got your sticker in their window.

Give us a number. It's 50p a sticker.

Former thief and burglar Pembow was recently hired to help with marketing.

..16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.

So, I owe you a tenner, is that right?

-No.

-What's a pound between friends?

It should be £10.50, shouldn't it?

As a committed Christian,

Francis likes to mentor young people with troubled backgrounds.

God gives people second chances.

When the rest of the world ain't bothered about them,

I give people jobs and a start and a hand up off the floor.

The recent burglary call out

has given Francis inspiration for a sales drive.

We could tie in the gay and lesbian/homosexual market, you know?

Cos that's something that a lot of companies don't latch onto.

What type of service are we offering? Protection?

Brooklyn, New York - walk round there with the wrong clothes on,

you'll get filled up with holes.

But round here, there's nothing like that, do you know what I mean?

-No.

-If people don't feel safe round here, it's a shame.

-It's sad cos they're not getting out, are they?

-Yeah.

But if we could help in that way, it would be great.

That would get in the papers, something like that.

Everyone likes a hero. It could work, it could work.

"Gay community".

He seems to have brainwaves all the time.

He's always thinking of new ideas, new schemes and that, you know?

You'll wake up to like 50 texts at two o'clock in the morning,

saying, "What do you think about this? What do you think about that?"

Yeah, they call it the "pink pound".

It's an avenue to go down. If you can help people,

that's part of our job, what we do, and that's why we expand.

I'm built like a bread stick. I'm fighting fit, though.

-Look at the forearm up there.

-"Built like a bread stick"!

Fresh from the new business drive,

Francis is getting back onto an unresolved case -

Darlo's dangerous bikers.

It's down there, where the motorbikes are.

MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS

This is Snipe Lane. This is where they come.

We'll get them, though, and I'll say,

"Listen, if you keep on, bumpf!"

A concerned resident hired Francis to stamp out the problem

and he's determined to deliver.

I'm going to stop the quad bikes and motorbikes going down bridle paths -

paths where people walk their children and their dogs.

This needs to be addressed and I need to conquer and do what I've said.

There's action to the bones of Fearless Francis Jones.

Francis is hitting the streets to get some local knowledge.

We're just looking out for people on quad bikes, motorbikes.

I don't want them going down that area.

Dogs are walked down there, little kids, and they could get knocked over.

It's a little bit dangerous and, obviously, if I catch them,

we're going to have to detain them.

I've seen a few motorbikes going round, yeah.

If you know the names of the people on the bikes...

Put the word out - Spartacus is on patrol.

All right, boys? Cheers, then.

Monday, 9pm.

We're looking for some homosexuals tonight.

Perfect timing for Francis and Pembow to start the charm offensive

to Darlington's gay community.

It's gay night tonight, so we're going to go round Darlington

and just let them know that we're around

if they ever want to have extra protection.

-It's gay night, so they're all over the place.

-Let's go and see.

Monday night's been gay night in Darlington for years.

Generally, on a Monday night,

everybody's just out to have a good time. It's mixed, it's amazing.

Everyone knows everyone. Everyone's slept with everyone!

LAUGHTER

Gay or straight, Francis and Pembow plan to get business

from the Monday night crowd.

This is the spot, this is the spot. This is where we need to be.

When the cards have gone, we've finished.

Yeah, when the cards are gone.

We're working with homosexuals, gays and lesbians on a Monday night,

make them feel more safe and more protected.

LAUGHTER

-We're heterosexuals.

-We're not homosexuals.

If you're straight, it's all the more reason to send me a text, OK?

-Take care of yourself.

-Bye-bye!

I don't know who to ask.

So far, no takers.

How you doing, lads? Are you all right?

If you ever need security, give us a call.

-All right.

-OK.

-That's fine.

-What's your name?

-Tiffany.

Thank you, Tiffany. Cheers.

Do you want my card as well?

Yeah, that will be great. If I could have your card, that would be fine.

-That's no problem. Hold that for a second.

-Yeah.

-If you want some condoms and lube, feel free.

-Do you want any condoms?

-I don't need them.

-Really?

-No, I'm only joking.

-Have you had the snip?

-No!

Eventually, they manage to get rid of some flyers.

So, see what happens. You never know.

The boys are heading home...

And I'm fucking freezing!

..with no new business in the bag.

Francis is continuing his nuisance biker intel drive

at the local tanning salon...

It's hot in here, isn't it?

..run by mum and daughter team Becky and Tracy.

Looking very snazzy in your Sparta attire.

There's some quad bikes going down Snipe Lane, tearing up the grass.

-We're looking to catch them, you know?

-Yeah, yeah, definitely.

If we use photographs to send to the police.

-You know, can you just put the word out?

-Of course.

-We will.

We'll let them know you're on the case.

-Your eyes, are they contacts or not?

-My eyes? No.

They're green, aren't they? Like, hazy.

-Have you got a boyfriend, by the way?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-INTERVIEWER:

-Do you go on sunbeds?

HE SIGHS

What kind of fucking question is that?

I do know that I'm a very good-looking lad, right?

But with a sunbed and a haircut, they can take ten years off you.

-Francis is...

-He's like a whirlwind.

You see him pull up and you're like, "Oh, here he comes!"

He comes running through the door, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's a funny one.

He's well-liked, very well-liked man, isn't he?

Yeah, he's kind of like a nicer version of a policeman, isn't he?

You can kind of turn to him if you need help and stuff.

-Yeah, he's really well-liked, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-We like him, anyway. He's got two fans here.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

-Fantastic.

-Behave yourself.

-Yeah, yeah.

-See you later.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye!

How is he going to catch them? Throw a net on them or something?

He'll sit in a hedge or something.

I look as though I've got money with this suit jacket on.

I need to walk like that.

Meanwhile, there's been a breakthrough in Sparta's campaign

to woo Darlington's gay community.

So, today, we're meeting a homosexual.

We're going to be talking about ways in which we can protect him

when he's on a night out

cos a lot of people, certainly, can intimidate him and bully him,

and maybe he's looked down on.

Local drag artist Steven

has called Francis to discuss security for an upcoming event.

When we do drag, that goes two ways.

It's either, they'll slow down and wolf whistle and oh, you know,

be all flirty, flirty,

or they're like, "Oh, my God, that's just disgusting."

You kind of get that, don't you? "Oh, faggot."

And you're like, "Yeah, your dad."

-How's it going?

-I'm OK, mate.

There's an event on in Leeds that one of my friends has organised.

-Right.

-There's going to be a coach of, like, 70 people.

-70?

-Yeah. Gay, straight, bisexuals, drag queens...

-Yeah.

-..everything going.

It's a new place for a new night there that we haven't done before.

It's going to be drinking all round Leeds,

so it would be good if we could employ your services.

I don't think we'll be welcomed in security apparel -

-the clothing that we wear.

-Yeah.

So, maybe just undercover or just sort of dressed down, like this.

-Yeah.

-And it's not maybe going down, it's coming back.

Exactly, yeah. A coach full of drag queens!

You'll be looking after me and I'm going to be looking after you.

LAUGHTER

I've got your back, if you've got mine.

-Well, thanks for having a bit of a crack with us anyway, all right?

-Thank you very much, Francis.

What does this mean? A lad did this to me the other day, he shook me hand and he went...

Sealed with a handshake,

Sparta's marketing drive has landed new business.

Is that not a special handshake, no?

-Well, I've never encountered that one, no.

-Have you not?

People don't normally shake hands with me, so...

LAUGHTER

MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS

Francis is preparing to try and catch Darlo's delinquent bikers.

I'm on a mission to catch these boys on their bikes, right?

What you've got to do, you've got to look like Rambo.

Listen, I'm better than Rambo -

I'm Spartacus!

When he comes, Billy-Joe on his moped, rrr, rrr...

Spartacus, his eyes will be on him...

..like a tiger stalking its prey...

..and I'm going to jump out the bush...

Rarr!

..and I'll growl at him.

FRANCIS HOWLS

This mission is too much for Pembow,

so Francis has recruited a specialist.

I want it to be totally covert, so...

..the open land over there is where they come,

where I've tried to catch them, hence I've brought you in.

The former anti-piracy agent has asked to remain anonymous.

It's quite exciting, taking care of these people,

trying to find out what they're doing here

and trying to stop whatever's happening here. So, yeah,

I can't complain. I mean, it's smashing, smashing work.

The observation post is next to an underpass

where local residents say bikers enter the park at high speeds.

-It's just sitting it out, you know, and waiting for them to come.

-OK.

Francis hopes to get photographic evidence

to take to the culprits' parents

and persuade them to end the misery.

When I jump out with me camera and start taking pictures,

there could be a bit of frisk.

You've got to be on your toes, obviously,

so we'll see how it goes.

I love the frisk. I love adrenalin. Adrenalin's unbelievable.

It brings... If 20 men came down here on a motorbike,

that would be too much adrenalin. I couldn't handle that adrenalin.

Maybe if it was little kids, if 20 little kids...

Oh, I would love it. Jump out, bump, bosh and this, that and the other,

all up there, knock on the door, tell their mums and dads,

"Listen, Mr, Sparta have got camera of your kid on his bike.

"Stop it. Stop it."

Little romantic tonight, aren't we, baby?

The success of the gay community drive is more good news for Pembow,

as he tries to prove himself to Francis.

He's taking girlfriend Hannah out for dinner to celebrate.

Hopefully, things will start falling into place now

and it's my time to shine, now.

-It certainly is.

-And yours, baby.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-There we go.

-Thank you.

'Hannah's done a lot for me, like.

'All through when I was in prison, she stuck by me

'and she's turned my life right round.'

And now that I am so grateful for to have her in my life, actually.

We can do nicer things now, can't we, darling?

Instead of, like, when we have to stay in or we can't do things.

I love you.

I'm dead proud of him. Now he's got a job,

he can take me out for some more romantic meals because, obviously,

we haven't been on that many, so I'm looking forward to that, as well.

I don't like onion rings.

-That's why I put mine on your plate.

-You put them on my plate?

Where do you see yourself in five to ten years, Luke?

Married to you, a big house...

That's what Francis likes.

Obviously, I've set goals, I've got dreams

and this is the first step of getting a job.

Gets me out of the job centre.

Cheers, Luke!

'All the things he's done in his past... I know what he's like,

'so I know that he can just easily go off the rails.'

And I just hope he steps up to the mark

and he doesn't let everyone down.

Pembow's come a long way since his troubled teenage years.

Well, this is where I grew up.

There used to be loads of us gathered out here,

a load of anti-social behaviour.

I started smoking crack at the age of 18

and it ripped my life apart. It tore me in half, really.

It grabbed hold of us and I lost three years of my life to it.

The next test for his new-found discipline

will be working at an all-night rave

in one of the UK's liveliest party towns.

Francis has given me this opportunity,

so it's my job to not let him down and I'm feeling confident now.

This is it now, this is how I want to live my life

and I've got plans, I've got dreams, I've got hopes.

An hour and a half into the biker stakeout.

So far, nothing to set the adrenalin running.

Have you...?

Have you killed a few people?

No, none. No confirmed kills, no.

-No?

-No.

-No. That's a good thing, I suppose, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-It's a good thing.

Is this stuff similar to what you did in the Forces,

when you were there?

-Hmm-hmm.

-Basically, we're just waiting for the terrorists

to come on sight - ie kids on motorbikes.

-Yeah.

-But if it was terrorists, it's the same, we'd just have rifles.

Hmm.

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

HE SNORES

We never caught them today...

..but, you know, tomorrow's another day.

And if we don't catch them tomorrow, guess what?

We'll catch them the next day.

We're on a mission and the mission doesn't stop, you know?

Just cos you don't get a bike, do you know what I'm saying?

Francis is parking the nuisance biker mission

to jump on board his drag queen coach trip.

I'm trying to look a bit feminine.

I want people to be like, "Is it or isn't it?

Getting into character for the night is Steven,

AKA Janice Dickinyourson.

I dress like a slut.

I'm just a big flirt and I dance and I get drunk.

I think Francis is good for what he is doing, you know?

He's getting involved in the gay community.

There is still a need, if you're going somewhere

where you don't know, just to have that support there.

Myself, I've been jumped before.

You know, if you have someone like Francis being around,

it probably wouldn't have happened.

Janice and a load of fellow drag queens

are heading to Leeds for a bank holiday weekend pub crawl.

-Excited.

-Horny.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Where's Francis?

There's Janice, there's Janice.

Offering close protection for the group are Francis, Pembow

and Sparta Security guard Mark.

-Janice!

-All right, gorgeous?

-How you doing?

-All right.

Oh, my God! You're my Frank and I'm Whitney...in The Bodyguard.

I'm going to get the lads to mingle.

I want to get cohesive.

I don't want water and oil, I want mixture.

Is that...? Are they...?

Let's talk to this lady, I want to talk to her.

Francis wastes no time in starting the mingling.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

Please tell me, are they real? They're real, like...

-My boobs?

-Are they real, as in like, not plastic?

-Oh, no, man. I'm a girl, now.

-Oh, is that right?

Yeah, I used to be a boy. I'm a girl, now.

OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, then, aye.

I can't keep my eyes off her breasts, like.

They look proper real, but it's a man.

I've got to keep telling myself, "It's a man. It's a man, Francis."

Cheers! Happy birthday!

-Selfie!

-Selfie!

-He's cute.

-Yeah, he's cute.

-Loving that.

We've been given the job to come and look after you tonight.

-You might feel intimidated.

-We are the intimidators.

CHEERING

There's going to be a few messy people in the next couple of hours.

I want my guys on the ball.

If they're not on the ball, I won't be very happy at all.

I don't think there's going to be any trouble in this bar.

Everyone's all friendly. They're all happy, aren't they?

It's not American Sniper. It's not a big covert operation

but still, you know, you've just got to be aware of your surroundings.

As the drink flows,

Francis might need to keep his eyes on more than just Janice.

I'm jealous.

I'm sober as a judge and you lot are all over the top.

Are we going, boys?

-Are you going to follow me?

-I'm going to follow you.

Come on, cheese fry!

Francis is now supposed to escort Janice to the nightclub...

I don't know, love. I don't know. Where's Janice at?

Er, I'm not sure. I'm just following the crowd.

..but in the blink of an eye, he's lost his prime target.

Where is Janice? Like Where's Wally - where's Janice?

She'll be making some money, girl. She's not silly.

She'll be in some alleyway, somewhere.

Francis seeks help from local colleagues.

I'm from Sparta Security.

Just, if you know, there's a person there in a red dress

who's a transvestite. Janice, she's called.

That's the prime target we're looking after.

I haven't seen her, I haven't seen her in the club.

CHEERING

In a club full of drag queens, finding Janice is tough,

even for a surveillance expert...

..until finally...

..Francis has eyes back on the prize.

I'm definitely happy he's here. Like, I lost everyone, walked in,

Francis was there and I was like, boom, I now feel safe.

She's happy, I'm happy

and she'll be back in touch for more work. All good.

The long night's almost over,

but for some, it could just be beginning.

Where you off to, Pembow?

I'm going to go and have a few drinks and just carry on the night.

You're carrying on, are you?

Well, I've finished work, haven't I now? So, I might as well.

-With your new mates?

-No, don't be like that.

Bye!

Wednesday morning at Sparta HQ and no sign of Pembow.

Pembow, on the bus coming home, he looked...

If I'm truthful with you, like, his eyes was dilated.

That's how he looked. That's how he came across to me.

But his burning of the midnight oil hasn't gone unnoticed.

Take a seat back over there, Pembow.

Coming back, what did concern me, right?

It looked to me as though you were a bit wired when you come off the coach

-and I know you've got an issue with drugs.

-Yeah.

-Right?

-No, I didn't have no drugs.

-And I know...

Well, if you did have drugs, I don't think you'd say, "I had drugs".

If you did have drugs, cos you... So, it makes no odds.

I say you did have drugs, that's what I say.

I reckon you did because you looked wired.

-No, actually...

-But, listen, we're trying to do a job

and it's about professionalism, not...

That wasn't professional, what you did do.

It looks bad for me.

Yeah, I know I slipped off the wagon,

but I... I had a few vodkas.

You can't go on like that, you know? Do you know what I'm saying?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Because we're on the job from start to finish.

Let's go for a walk, right? Yes, yes, yes.

What do you think about it, Claire?

He's a young lad that doesn't take accountability particularly well.

He needs a stronger rein on him, cos he's not listening.

He doesn't listen.

Pembow has work to do to get back in the boss's good books.

Obviously, I know I should have went home, but I was off the next day,

so it wasn't like I was working.

As soon as I got off the coach, I was free anyway.

That's how I seen it, so...

But, obviously, I've been told not to do it again,

so I've got... He's right, what he's saying.

I've got to put work first.

I've slipped off the wagon too many times.

For Francis and Darlo, a long week is drawing to an end.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Hello, boys, how you doing? Are you all right?

What kind of handshake's that? Shake me hand again.

You thought it was a penis, didn't you?

-LAUGHTER

-Come in.

-All right, boys.

The burglar had come inside the back door, there.

There was no forced entry, was there?

No forced entry at all, no.

The camera will go outside.

I feel safer, now that Francis has been involved.

He says we'll get them, but we never did.

OK, I'm not Jesus, but I'll help people.

He says, I've got to forgive you

and I sometimes don't want to forgive you, but he says I have to do.

Every champion makes a mistake.

If they're not willing to make a mistake,

they're not willing to learn from that mistake.

I don't see that many people not liking me.

I would have thought you can get along with me.

I would have thought... I hope God thinks I'm a good lad.

I think he's a really nice lad, though he's crazy, but a good crazy.

For him to reach out to the gay community is a really big thing.

-Well, OK...

-Thank you.

-Any problems, give us a bell, all right?

-Will do.

Gay drive's going well.

It's driving forward, we're thrusting up and it's growing.

It's growing big and let it grow.

A tricky case requires Francis to be on top of his game...

FRANCIS SNORES

..the Sparta office gets a facelift...

There could be crashes, especially when girls start gawping.

Boom, they've crashed their car!

And I have to pop another button, yet.

..and Rachel and Claire pull out all the stops to bag new business.

If they think that they can get sex out of a meeting,

then they'll sign up.