Episode 4 Rent a Cop

-SOFTLY:

-I can hear them.

This programme contains some strong language.

You have to be extra quiet.

And I'm boiling, if I'm honest with you.

It's that building...

There's someone up there.

ALARM RINGS

I've set the alarm off.

'Warning. You have activated... '

ALARM RINGS

Darlington, North East England.

In this historic market town,

one man's on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

I'm better than Rambo. I'm Spartacus.

Fearless Francis Jones.

HE ROARS

If you have a problem, day or night...

I'm like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

If no-one else can help...

There's no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like.

And if you can find him...

When I was a kid,

I was in the Beavers for four months and we underwent training.

Maybe you can hire Sparta Security.

Spartan warriors were the tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong.

When you drive down the road

the kids always shout, "This is Sparta!"

The vehicle is dressed up like a pseudo police vehicle.

What does pseudo mean?

Right.

If you want a steak, you go and get a sirloin.

If you want ice cream, you get Tom & Jerry's.

If you want security, you come and see Spartacus.

SIREN WAILS

Francis Jones has set off a burglar alarm whilst checking out

suspicious activity at a Sparta protected property.

I got a phone call, 4.00 in the morning.

I was dreaming about making love to a beautiful lady.

When duty calls, you've got to come down, you've got to do the job.

-What happened to your head?

-My head?

My head... Er, I think I was up the...

Oh, it's bleeding. Erm...

I must have smashed it off something up there.

The police arrive to investigate.

There's someone there.

I couldn't see him.

-Right.

-Oh, right. You're awesome, mate, all right.

-OK.

-Top man.

It appears the building is secure.

I heard a noise up there.

Francis wants to take another look.

I want to catch him.

Francis.

The churchwarden's also arrived on the scene.

How you doing? Are you OK?

There was someone up here. I'm telling you there was.

I don't know where they've gone. I'm going to jump.

Oh, good lad, that's it, roll. That's the way to do it.

Looks better, don't it, on TV, a roll.

THEY LAUGH

Your WhatsApp profile - fantastic. "Jesus is my role model."

Yeah, he is, like.

You can't get any other better role model, can you?

I have Jesus on everything.

-Lovely to see you.

-God bless you, soldier.

Sparta's core business is contract security for a variety

of business premises across the north-east.

I want to be everywhere.

So I take on everything and anything.

I don't turn work down.

Under his Street Safe initiative,

Francis also protects residential properties.

Prices start at £3.50 a week.

If it helps you, who calls Sparta for reassurance, for a

solution to the problem then...then I'll give you that solution.

I've had a call from a lady.

She seems very shook up, she's had a daytime burglary.

Francis is en route to a family home that was recently

targeted by burglars.

She's a single mam. Her daughter went out the house. By herself.

She heard a noise in the kitchen, someone had smashed the window.

So I think they got disturbed and...she's scared.

I mean, wouldn't you be?

Hello, love, how you doing? Is your mam in there?

-Hello. You all right?

-How you doing?

-Fine, yeah.

-Whose sweet 16?

Me.

Is it happy birthday, eh? Birthday girl?

-Francis, this is the window that they actually broke here.

-Yeah.

All the glass was all over here, it was all over the floor.

The police investigated the break-in.

Victoria's hoping Francis can offer extra security.

I'm going to put some exterior cameras outside, right.

I'm going to put some signs on the outside of that wall.

-Yeah, that would be good, won't it, Katie?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Wow, you've got a lot of broccoli, haven't you?

-LAUGHING:

-I know.

That's good, that's good. Good, good.

That's the key, broccoli, it's awesome.

Broccoli, yeah.

Francis decides to enlist some helpers from the family.

Where do the cameras need to be?

On the top there? Whereabouts?

Maybes...one here.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-About there?

-Yeah.

Fantastic.

I need a sticker in that top window there,

in the outside of that window. Put it in the middle, on the bottom.

There, that's it, fantastic.

How am I going to get down?

LAUGHTER

Whitley, film it!

HE LAUGHS

Right, this side. Up, up, up.

LAUGHTER

Come down.

-Good girl.

-LAUGHTER CONTINUES

That's it for the day.

Thank you for the team, they've been awesome. You have, like.

-Happy birthday, princess.

-Thank you.

-Bye-bye.

-ALL:

-Bye.

Next call for Francis - mysterious vandalism at a local fishing pond.

I'm meeting an old friend and he's got a problem with his gate.

Not sure what to make of the story so I'm going to go and see him now.

Looks like Mick Dundee.

-Hello, young man.

-Hello, Dave, are you OK, mate?

How are you, Francis, all right?

Pond warden Dave Ovens is on hand to explain the story so far.

Now the problem we've got,

this gate is kept here to stop the fly-tippers.

The fishing pond has been repeatedly used as a dumping ground.

We had 20 skips came out of here, rubbish,

-where people have fly-tipped.

-Yeah. All right.

Dave installed extra security to keep out the litter-bugs

but now he's got another problem.

The gate worked perfect but over the last ten days, somebody's...

supergluing the key, ramming it into the lock and snapping it.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's £90 per lock.

-Wow, £90 per lock. £90 for one of them?

-Yup.

Dave thinks either fly-tippers or local vandals are behind the

damage, which is stretching his finances to breaking point.

It's cost us, so far, in ten days, £360.

Wow.

That we haven't got. I need it knocking on the head.

I need to be in that bush, like Rambo in the bushes,

waiting for them and obviously if they come, bosh.

Operation Lock Vandal is underway.

MOTORBIKE APPROACHES

There's a...there's a bike here.

Well, turn the light off, turn the light off.

And an old case may have just resurfaced.

Reverse it into the corner.

It'll come through the bottom of the bridge.

Francis has been pursuing nuisance bikers in this area for weeks.

MOTORBIKE ENGINE

Come down here, Frank.

You can hear the two-stroke.

We'll have to catch 'em.

They...they know Sparta is on patrol here and it's a

covert operation, normally me in the bush with a load of make-up on.

He's determined to catch the culprits

who have come close to causing a serious injury.

Kids come down here and they nearly ran one over last month.

Nearly killed a little three-year-old toddler,

do you know, so... gloves come off now, baby.

I can't hear them now. Come on.

The bike seems to have gone.

Right, let's get set up then.

Francis gets back to setting his trap for the lock vandal.

He dons a trademark disguise to blend in to the surroundings.

Fantastic bit of kit. You look like Sasquatch.

-HE LAUGHS

-Big Foot.

-I might just go...

-HE ROARS

Do you know what I'm saying? Just to serve him right.

-Do you know? Going...

-LOUD GASPS

HE LAUGHS

I'm just joking you, mate. I was just joking you.

We'll soon see who the clever guy is.

When the cat's away, the mice'll play,

but they're in for a bit of shock, isn't he?

When I sit on that chair there, right,

I want to wait for...

..the padlock man to come.

-See you later, Dave.

-Cheers, mate.

Dave can't afford to pay Francis,

but can provide a deputy Spartan.

Francis, I forgot, before I go,

in case you get lonely.

Oh, is that yours, Dave? What is it?

What's he called?

Big Ted.

Big Ted? Right, cheers, Dave.

Dave's off home.

Francis and his new sidekick get bedded in.

-WHISPERING:

-I love adrenaline.

I want to wait until he does the job first.

I want to catch him.

OWL HOOTS

This time there's no sign of the lock vandal,

but Francis isn't giving up.

We need more time to patrol and time to get sorted

so we're going to be there in the cammie, in the grass,

with all our face paint on. Boom.

As a Christian company, Sparta offer mentoring to troubled youngsters.

Do I like to give people second chances?

I serve a God who's into second chances, third chances,

fourth chances, fifth chances.

"Whatever you've done," says Jesus, "come to me."

Francis recently hired Luke 'Pembo' Pemberton -

a former thief and burglar - as apprentice marketing assistant.

It's my job now not to let him down,

as he says, not to let the big man down.

He's not licensed for security work

but can help Francis revamp the office signage.

I'm trying to get brownie points in my bank

up in heaven for the big man.

So on the door it's going to say -

Any man that knocketh, I will open the door.

-THUMPS CHEST

-He's talking about the door to my heart.

I will hear him, I will open the door.

What do you think, Pembo?

We need things to attract the customers in.

We need 'em, even if they're popping in for a chat,

-just to see what...what we're doing inside.

-Yeah.

We want people to start walking in,

people are just driving past not noticing it.

We want it to stand out. We're going to smash it.

We're going to smash it, smash it like a pasty.

-Smash it.

-Yeah.

Indeed.

Pembo's learning the trade, you see.

There's potential there, isn't there?

The guy can talk for England.

Which is awesome for his job, you know,

he's got a good character, he's game.

Francis hopes the face-lift will boost his client base.

We was getting no business in the area that we've just come from.

I was on an industrial estate and people couldn't see where I were.

I asked God for a company to go all over the universe.

Listen, if there was contracts going for Mars then Sparta,

I'd put in for it, you know.

Back on earth,

Francis plans to utilise his finest asset to attract business.

Well, it's up, we're getting there.

It's that look like a business?

I'm not sure, I'm not sure. And you get kids who don't like me,

they might be throwing something at the door.

Everyone's looking.

And there could be crashes,

especially girls that could start gawping and, boom,

they've crashed their car, know what I mean?

The name on the account is Francis Jones.

Inside, helping Francis with administration, amongst other things,

is his trusty office team - Rachel and Claire.

All Francis' shopping and everything in here, it's a

good job I do weight training.

I shop for him at my house,

so he has a lot of food at my house when he comes for his meals.

I also get him bags of shopping to have

in his flat for when he gets a bit peckish at supper time

or whenever I'm not available to be at his beck and call.

Rachel thinks the extent of her workload

deserves government funding.

I think I'm his carer.

I'm going to actually apply for Carer's Allowance

at the social services.

I believe you can get about £300 a week for being someone's carer.

You are, you are definitely his carer.

I think he can manage his shoelaces, but only just.

He can't manage picking up his pants and socks so

I think his shoelaces might just be pushing it.

RACHEL LAUGHS

Today, Francis is showing his gratitude by sending

the girls on an awayday.

All these doors are dodgy, aren't they?

CLAIRE LAUGHS

To tout for business at a social event for local companies.

I'm not a fan of networking meetings but we'll give it a go.

What is your strategy for this meeting?

This blouse.

I may have to pop another button yet.

Generally, these networking meetings,

the fellas, you just have to wink at them and they're on, aren't they.

You can sell anything on to a man.

If they think that they can get sex out of a meeting,

then they'll sign up.

To support his cheaper services,

Francis needs new corporate clients with spending potential.

The Chamber of Commerce have assured us that there'll be businesses

there of a calibre that will require...

could require security.

First chance to mingle is a guided tour of the factory.

But this part of the event has a strict dress code.

We're not allowed to do the tour as we've got inappropriate shoes on.

We've never worn flat shoes in our lives, we're not going to start now.

To get face time with potential clients

they will have to wait till the tour is over.

Apparently, inappropriate footwear is not allowed

and our footwear is deemed as inappropriate.

And they did offer very kindly to lend us some safety boots.

However, it would be like wearing somebody else's knickers.

So we're not going to be wearing somebody else's shoes.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't think they'd go with the attire.

While Rachel and Claire wait on the naughty step,

Pembo is on the street.

Do you want to have a quick word?

Taking the direct approach to finding new business.

I want Sparta to grow, right. Pembo is going to sell.

All right, lads, do yous fancy a chat?

I'm going to get him strutting his stuff. He's going to smash it.

I could do with going to stand somewhere better like, but.

I have faith in him, right. I have faith in him.

How you doing, mate? Are you all right?

At the networking day, the delegates are back from the talk

and conversation is flowing.

We've been kept entirely separate

from the bonding that they've already done.

But Rachel and Claire are still feeling left out.

They've all got mates and everything and we've got no mates.

It's like Rach-and-Clairy-no-mates.

SHE LAUGHS

We're the outcasts.

Even Rachel's secret weapon appears redundant.

I can't see anybody worth undoing another button for.

No talent, like.

Too old for me. I like toy boys.

I'll have a look this direction.

No, no talent.

Next up to lift their spirits,

a talk on the progress of regional commerce.

Good afternoon, everybody. I don't know how many of you are aware,

the North East is the fastest growing region

in the fastest growing country in the developed world.

I'm going to say it again cos it's just worth saying.

We are the fastest growing region

in the fastest growing country in the developed world. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Francis had high hopes that his sales team would land new business.

But thanks to high heels, they head home empty-handed.

It was a bit of a waste of our time, to tell the truth.

-We expected an opportunity to do networking.

-Boring.

Yeah, it was really boring.

Going to fucking sleep.

5.00 AM.

Day two of the quest to catch the elusive lock vandal.

We'll catch him, we'll catch him.

Keep your voice down.

Francis has promised Dave he won't rest till he solves the mystery.

I'll set up camp near the trees behind...

..the gate.

And we'll just wait.

-SOFTLY:

-I need to see if there's anyone on this pond fishing

because it could be a fisherman and he could finish at 6.00,

go home, do the lock.

But there's no-one here.

I want to check the lock.

It hasn't been done.

In full tree camouflage, Francis and Ted lie in wait.

After just three hours' sleep, Francis' eyes are getting heavy.

He turns to his assistant for help.

-SOFTLY:

-All you need to do, Ted, look me dead fast and say,

"There's someone there, there's someone there."

All right?

He said, "Yeah."

Right, keep your eyes open, Ted.

There we go.

Now, Ted, I'm going to have five minutes' sleep.

But if they come, will you let me know, Ted?

Yeah, I know. I know, listen, I know it's unprofessional,

but I'm dying, Ted. I'm dying. I want to have a sleep.

Don't give me a hard time, all right?

While Francis takes 40 winks, Ted keeps watch.

But again, the vandal doesn't show.

I'm disappointed.

I am disappointed.

But that's life, innit?

The stakeout team withdraw to recuperate.

See you in the morning, Ted.

Ted's going to bed now.

But there is no rest for a Spartan.

Francis has a tip-off about nuisance bikers on a local estate.

I'm going to try to locate whereabouts these guys live.

They'll be on this estate somewhere.

They'll be on this estate somewhere.

Francis spots potential suspects by a van.

-All right.

-I've been over the roads, lads.

Looking for any lads on motorbikes this side or the other.

Don't know, do you? No?

-No.

-Not me. Not me.

I'm not trying to finger you, you know.

Just to say, do you know?

No, there's no point in us driving around the streets anyway, mate.

We take them up the track, do know what I mean?

We've got the van here, go and play the track.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Know what I mean?

All right, fellas, take care of yourselves.

See you later, boys. All right.

Francis isn't convinced by their alibi.

I think it was them. I think it was them.

Know what I'm saying? There were ridden with guilt, weren't they?

They were ridden with guilt, do you know what I'm saying?

But with no evidence, he has to bide his time.

The mission is ongoing, the mission hasn't finished, you know,

up until...we catch the culprits.

Last call of the day and better news for Francis.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, darling. How was your birthday?

Did you get drunk?

-LAUGHING:

-Yeah.

-THEY LAUGH

-She's not old enough.

Since installing cameras at Victoria's house,

there's been no more break-ins.

It's making us, as a family, feel a lot more secure in our home.

I think it does a great job.

But she's got another favour to ask.

I'm taking the kids away on a family holiday.

OK, that's how long away?

Six weeks' time.

I do know somebody else that's just recently broken into

and I'm a bit worried that I'm going to get broken into again.

Let the neighbours know we'll come around.

Cos sometimes we come round in an unmarked car, you know,

-patrolling about.

-Yeah.

OK, girls, nice to see you anyway.

Yeah, nice to see you again. Thank you.

-And I'll see you later on.

-Yeah.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

The main reason I started Sparta Street Safe is

because fruits come from this body.

I want to help people, I want to put a smile on your heart.

I want to make God happy on the day that I come to see him.

Very much felt very vulnerable being by myself with the children,

but now knowing that there is someone there that

I can ring, it's changed all of our lives for the better.

Francis waived the fee for Victoria

and plans to keep an eye on the house through Sparta's patrols.

Francis is having one more crack at catching the mystery lock vandal

who's caused hundreds of pounds' worth of damage.

Can you hold these two seconds for me?

Once it gets light, I'll set the camera ready.

This time, he's got extra back up.

Dave Ovens has joined in to form a two-man surveillance team.

We're in the fighting zone, do you know,

when you come down, boom!

Just imagine I was in a jungle, you know.

I wouldn't go, like, talking as well,

too loud, do you know what I'm saying?

Francis will monitor the car park

to observe approaching suspects and alert his partner.

I'll wander over and take this camera.

Dave is by the gate with bespoke surveillance kit

to gather key evidence.

Francis is at the top, so's the radio, I'll switch the camera on.

Desperate to catch 'em, really.

If I didn't want to catch them

I wouldn't be here...on my only day off, at 4.30 in the morning.

I've checked the lock hasn't been tampered with.

The lock looks perfect.

The team are position and the stakeout is on.

Hi, mate, can you hear me?

The camera's focused right on that lock.

Dave, talk to me, mate. Are you there?

But between gate and car park, communication is scrambled.

The camouflage is breaking the lines up on your face.

Your face is white and it's obviously a dark place.

Right, what's that like?

Dave Ovens, can you hear me? Come in.

If I was in a jungle with Dave, he'd get me shot, do you know that?

Can you see my face there, yes?

But now, very difficult to see.

Dave Ovens, Dave Ovens, Dave Ovens, Dave Ovens, Dave.

I'd sack the guy if this was a person

who came on operation with me, do you know that?

I'd sack him now and I'd send him home.

He doesn't take orders, he doesn't listen.

I can't work with someone like that.

'It has not been possible to connect your call...'

DIAL TONE

Oh, one missed call, Mr Jones.

Hello, Dave. Right, are you there.

DIAL TONE

Why does? Why does...?

PHONE RINGS

Right, Francis.

Hello. Just be patient, son. Just be patient.

It's all set, it's recording now.

Just be patient.

I understand, I understand.

Don't flatten the batteries. It's getting light now.

There'll be people turning up.

DIAL TONE

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Ah?

Mental, innit?

Eventually, just as the technical problems are resolved...

HE WHISTLES

Dave, answer me, mate.

Go ahead, Francis.

Dave, there's a car coming down, black, now.

Pick-up truck.

Suspicious movement on the perimeter.

On Dave's gate cam,

a dog walker appears to be tampering with the lock.

You all right, mate?

Can I just ask you what you were doing with the lock?

Seeing if my key would fit it.

There is no reason touching that lock at all.

I just asked what you were doing with the lock.

Cos someone keeps supergluing the lock.

It wasn't me.

I keep putting locks on, they keep getting superglued.

I can't afford to keep putting them on.

-It's a shame that, innit?

-It is indeed.

That's him.

Nobody else touched the lock. We've been here all morning.

With the suspect protesting innocence,

Dave lets him go with a warning.

In the interests of the dog, we've protected their identities.

Dave to Francis.

'Go for it, Dave.'

Come on down here. It's all over with. Come done now.

He knows we're here now. He knows he's being watched.

So that might be the end of it.

Francis arrives as Dave examines the smoking gun.

Yeah, it's been done.

Wow.

Can't get in, it's superglued.

You got him.

With a little help from the client, it's case closed.

Back at HQ, they examine the evidence.

Now this is the gentleman here, Francis.

As you can see, he puts his hands in his pocket, he brings

something out, he shoves it into the lock. Bang to rights.

Yeah. That's him breaking the lock there.

He's been caught red-handed.

Wow, wow.

-Good on you, Dave.

-Thank you very much.

-It's been a pleasure, mate. Cheers.

-Top man.

-Sorted. Cheers, mate.

-Cheers, Dave.

Respect to you, fella. Top man.

He was getting some stick in the car.

He couldn't answer his radio, you know.

"Dave Ovens, are you there? Dave Ovens, are you there?"

Got a result. Team work. Sparta.

Always provide a solution.

You got a problem,

we're like the A-Team and we solve it.

Next time...

He was going to burn the house down.

And he was going to burn the car.

A dangerous case puts Francis in a tricky position.

-Have you got the money?

-HE SNIGGERS

You've already been paid.

Can Pembo prove his worth to the company?

I feel a little bit nervous. I just need to blow his socks off, don't I?

-I'm working with you on it.

-Why are you shouting at me?

And things get heated in the Sparta office.

-Fuck off.

-See ya, Rach.