Episode 6 Rent a Cop

Have you seen any motorbikes?

This programme contains some strong language

There's a motorbike.

If Sandra catches them, bosh, she's off this scooter,

she's after them, I'm telling you.

Darlington, north-east England. In this historic market town...

..one man's on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

They get caught by a tree, "boomph".

Fearless Francis Jones.

Argh!

If you have a problem, day or night...

I'm like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

If no-one else can help...

There's no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like...

And if you can find him...

You need to be hextra cautious. Not extra, hextra.

Maybe you can hire Sparta Security.

Spartan Warriors were the tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong.

When you drive down the road the kids always shout, "This is Sparta!"

You're not a policeman.

This is about promoting Christianity to protect

people against what? The villainous burglars?!

If you want a steak, you go and get a sirloin.

If you want ice cream, you go to Tom & Jerry's.

If you want security, you come see Spartacus.

SIREN WAILS

Francis Jones is having a combat masterclass

with his Mind Sport coach, Rob.

My name is Spartacus Averticus Maximus...

I'm going to smash you upright!

Good.

The session covers all aspects of being a Spartan warrior.

Discipline is the key. Discipline is a trait for Spartans.

The discipline in training, the discipline in everyday life.

They're born for one thing and that is for war.

However, you're not one for war but you do have the traits of a Spartan,

so you need to stay disciplined.

You need to be ready, cos I'm going to hit you with this axe.

Oh, baby!

What you going to do, what you doing this for?

What's the matter with you? What's the matter?

Mind Sport was coming at me with... with an axe, you know,

which, erm, is not too unrealistic for Darlington.

I'm in security.

What you doing it for? Talk, talk to me.

Talk to me. Talk to me.

I've got to talk to people in confrontational issues

and I've got to calm down, I've got to be disciplined.

We can fight, you know, and you may win,

but I may win as well, you know, cos I am a professional boxer.

It's like a pencil and sharpening... sharpening the pencil,

so when you go out into the... the game and you're on the field,

erm, you know, you...you're sharp as a razor, aren't you?

I ain't fighting, I ain't fighting. I ain't fighting.

-No problems.

-Perfect.

Yeah.

All ages can train to be a Spartan.

Rob also advises Francis on developing his company.

Where have Spartans come from? They're born as a child.

If they're weak or seen as being defective,

they're thrown from the city walls.

You select members of your team to provide a service to the

wider community, to paying clients, to the nation, nationally.

You select the right people to fight in your Spartan Army.

A recent addition to the Spartan Army

is former thief and burglar Luke "Pembo" Pemberton.

Pembo, you know, he's a problem for me. Like, if you get a wild dog

and you take it into your luxury mansion, the dog's going to

shit all over your mansion, right, it won't do what you say.

But see that wild dog, if you get it in your mansion, right,

and you invest time into training it, that dog will

change its ways, and I think one day that dog, it'll be a little beauty.

Claire, is "pissing" swearing?

I wouldn't say it in front of the kids

Do you think it's swearing or not?

I wouldn't say it in front of the children.

Right, £2, I've got £2 out of him now, Claire, to put in the swear box.

A key part of Sparta's Christian ethos is to offer guidance to

youngsters with troubled backgrounds.

It's a bad habit and I need to sort it.

We st... We started it...

We're sticking to it, I was going to stick to it, don't worry.

As sales and marketing apprentice,

Pembo's job is to help promote the company.

I could do with Rachel here, cos I've told her - it's a good idea.

Erm, basically what it is, is we get, we advertise

an event where loads of businesses are going to come and see...see what

Sparta...come and see what we're... how we're going to be different.

Why would they give up their time to come to me?

Well, I think they would. Obviously, you'd have to give a time and a day.

Pembo's sale strategies haven't always hit the mark,

but this time he could be onto something.

Where do we do the event at?

Somewhere in the town, somewhere we could hire out

for the night, just for... just for an hour presentation.

It's something that I think really would work.

Becoming a Sparta apprentice has helped Pembo broaden his horizons.

Everyone's here. It's dart night.

Darts, a couple of pints, couple of bags of nuts.

Maybe a pizza on the way home.

LAUGHTER

How is this different to your old lifestyle?

I'd be stood on a street corner, making...making a nuisance of myself.

Due to his criminal past,

Pembo's not licensed to do security work with Sparta.

Round this area, round Darlington,

it's not a bad, really, place to grow up.

I've had the best upbringing, do you know what I mean,

I should have been shining silver. But it was just me

who decided to just go down these other slippery roads.

Thank you very much, lad.

If he keeps his nose clean,

Pembo could be on his way to a full-time job with the company.

Sparta Security - it's my bread and butter.

Obviously a job's a job, do you know what I mean,

but when you're doing something that you really like,

you've got to have more confidence to go and accomplish...

Set your goals, I've got goals in my life.

Like, from where I've come to where I'm at now,

keep going forward, keep going up. You've got to upgrade in life.

For Francis, there's no time for darts.

Right, socks, socks...

He's heading out on one of his regular night-time burglar hunts.

These goes over the shoes, because Billy Burglar,

he can hear my shoes on the streets, clockety-clock, like a clown.

There we go, son.

He can't hear nowt.

With socks correctly aligned, Francis hits the streets...

Like graveyard dark. Ooh.

..in an upmarket neighbourhood.

We have that house. We have that one, as well.

Francis has clients in this area, that pay

a weekly fee for regular patrols.

(Three o'clock, four o'clock. In a deep sleep.

(If you see anyone... You shouldn't be seeing anyone beyond ourselves.)

He also likes to keep a close eye on the whole neighbourhood.

CAT MEOWS

See a lot of cats.

Sometimes see people taking their dogs for a walk.

Sometimes you see burglars.

It seems like tonight isn't going to be one of those times.

Unfortunately, it's a little bit boring.

ALARM BLARES

Until...

Something's set the alarm off.

It's just finding out what it is.

Francis enters the suspected crime scene for a closer look.

It's a school.

I'm just checking for an entry point. Is it...?

Is that window open?

Is a window open?

I don't know.

It seems it could be a false alarm.

I'll just search these grounds.

But Francis is taking no chances.

Who's that? Who's that there?

There's activity on the perimeter.

Go a bit closer.

Oh, right.

The alarm's also alerted the school caretaker.

I'm from a security company called Sparta.

-I've heard of you, Sparta.

-Yeah, I've just checked it. I've double-checked it.

-Yeah.

-No windows broken, no entry point, no-one's in the bushes.

-Thank you very much.

-You don't have the key by any chance, do you?

-Yeah, I have the keys here.

For these gates?

It seems the building is now secure.

I didn't like them socks over the boots, no.

And Francis has a verdict on his latest kit experiment.

If I can hear my feet, you know who else can hear the feet as well.

I need to be quieter than that.

Francis has decided to run with Pembo's

idea of a community meeting to promote Sparta's services.

It says, "We want to make Darlington a safer place to live,

"and this is your chance."

-Going to hand in leaflets in waiting rooms.

-Yeah.

Doctors' surgeries, dental practice - anywhere where there's people waiting.

Car garages, anywhere, I'm just

going to go in and say, "Can I possibly leave ten leaflets?"

But his eager young apprentice is also beginning to

grate on Francis's nerves.

I like him, you know, I do like him, but he talks, talks and talks.

He does my head in sometimes, he does do my head in.

PHONE CHIMES

Hello, Pembo. OK...

Text me, cos I'm busy... I'm busy now, Pembo, all right?

I'm just outside...

No, don't ring me, just text me, all right?

-All right, no problem.

-Cheers, see you later, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Do I not make it obvious? Is it not obvious?

It's obvious to me.

Do you know, please, God, don't take this from me.

Pembo...

I need to go and borrow that back again...

-Yeah. Just take all them, Pembo, and just get them out, isn't it, and then...

-What, even with that on?

No, just put them back for now, do you know?

It's good to feel how he's pushing me further

and telling me, like, new things, what new ideas what I can

potentially do, so we've just got to take it every day, like, step by step.

Francis is hitting the streets to drum up

interest in his community meeting.

Is it OK to give you one of these?

-Certainly.

-We're trying to make a difference in the community.

I'm looking for volunteers to come on board.

As well as new business, Francis wants local volunteers to

help his quest against crime in the area.

We're just giving a talk, neighbourhood watch,

on Wednesday, so it's tomorrow... is when we're doing it.

-All right, then.

-Thank you very much, anyway.

So these need to be given out today, really.

These need to be given out today, is it?

Are you all right?

HE LAUGHS

It's also an opportunity to make new connections

of a more personal nature.

Hello, sweetheart, can I give you one of these, please?

We're doing free dates in the area. If you want to be taken out,

if you haven't got a boyfriend, you give me a call, all right, you look beautiful.

# Oh, baby... #

'I'm a naughty-potty with girls.'

I do like the female breed, er, the species, the blonde hair,

do you know, er...phew, I find it very, very hard.

Any kind of problems whatsoever, you know, or maybe's you just

-want a cup of coffee sometime... Can you let me know?

-I will.

Thank you very much, sweetheart, thank you!

SHE LAUGHS

Cos I'm after a wife. God says, "Ask and you shall receive."

He says, "Seek and you shall find.

"Knock on the door and it will be opened."

I've asked, I've seeked and I've knocked for my princess wife.

-You look beautiful, by the way.

-Thank you.

-Side of the cheek?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Is it OK to leave some of these?

-Have you got a boyfriend or not?

-Yeah, I do.

-How long have you had a boyfriend for?

-Not long.

-No?

'In order to get my princess, I need to start being more obedient,'

because he says, "No nookie." That's what he says.

Erm, no bonking, no nookie.

Francis hopes his latest idea will get a warm welcome

at his favourite tanning salon.

How are you?

-Hello.

-There you go.

She's grabbing my arse, there.

LAUGHTER

We're doing a drive, right, in the community, if you're free. It would be great to see your face.

-They all know you round there.

-We'll come. We'll go, won't we?

Right then, girls, no problem, I'll leave it with you, then. So like, like, massages.

What do you do? What would it be?

Massages, how long?

Do you go by the minute or does it go by the second?

-LAUGHTER

-He's after one of them.

-See you later, girls.

-Right, catch you later.

-Bye.

-See you at the meeting.

-Yeah!

As long as it's not only us two that turn up!

LAUGHTER

There's been a twist in one of Sparta's ongoing cases.

Sparta is supposed to be a good professional security

firm in Darlington.

I have some neighbours off the estates who always

complain about bikes, and do you know, I was boiling.

Francis has been trying to stamp out the problem of

nuisance bikers across Darlo.

I can't have... I can't have this going on.

He has evidence on the identity of one culprit,

and it's closer to home that he'd have ever imagined.

So, I've just seen Pembo on a... a quad bike, erm,

going away from the office.

The press would have a field day, do you know, it just upsets me,

he disrespects me and, erm, it...

it's a load of shit for the company, isn't it?

The employee Francis has invested the most in may have let him down.

-Do you want to sit down?

-Yeah.

You got on your pal's quad.

We have residents ringing up about quad bikes on this, that and the other.

I was going... I was trying to get a lift, I was trying to get...get...

get to where I needed to be as fast as I could,

do you know what I mean, I panicked.

It's like a dog returning to its vomit.

You change when you get to know him,

but then you want to go back in your old ways.

-I don't, I don't.

-Now, just be quiet.

If the police were to have stopped that bike,

Sparta Security, like, you know, I'm just disappointed, like...

I know, I know.

I want the keys for the office, you know...

SERIOUS SCORE

-Is that the only ones you've got?

-Yes, that's the only one I've got.

-That will do.

-Nothing I can do.

Obviously, he's right, I... I've let him down, haven't I?

Have you lost your job?

Yeah, I've lost me job, haven't I?

HE MUMBLES

No more Pembo.

I just feel gutted, you know, a bit sad.

It's one of them, that's life.

Well, well, well.

HE BLOWS NOSE

That's it... Life's life, you know.

On the Red Hall Estate...

local football team the Tigers

have also had recurring problems with nuisance bikers.

Here they come here.

Right, Andy, ready to run.

They're in that field.

They'll probably come up here now, try and be dicks again.

It is annoying when you're trying to play football or

when you're trying to do training and...especially when...

Cos we've got...we've got to maintain the pitch ourselves,

but when you get people like that, they're just spoiling the place.

It's just an ongoing issue.

It's an ongoing issue and hopefully Francis and Sparta can help us out

and just resolve the issue.

LOUD REVVING

This biker problem is, erm... is getting to me.

I need an idea to catch the bikers.

Francis is desperate for a breakthrough to stamp out

the problem that's affected residents across the town.

He nearly got knocked down there, didn't he?

LAUGHTER

Darlo's morning rush hour may have given Francis inspiration.

I'm going to see the MP of Darlington, Mrs Jenny Chapman.

He has an important meeting to discuss his next move.

She's great, fantastic - and she has my vote.

I don't know what parliament she's in, though, I don't follow it.

BELL RINGS

HE EXHALES

Hello, Jenny, how you doing?! I don't want a handshake.

You don't? You want a kiss? Oh!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm good.

-You smell nice.

-So do you.

I think you're awesome, by the way.

-I'll certainly fly the flag for you.

-Thank you.

-Erm, do you love your job?

-I love my job, yes.

Yeah, where do you want to be in... where do you want to be?

I'm happy where I am.

-I want to be a world champion boxer.

-Yeah, I...

I'm not happy where I am. Are you? You don't want to be...?

What, Prime Minister? No, no. I'm happy where I am.

I am.

We've been to Redhall - there's bikes over there.

There's a football team who keep getting their pitch turned

-over by bikes.

-Yeah, I've got you.

So they've asked Sparta to come on the job,

"Can you sort it out," you know.

So I've been patrolling a few times and, er, the word got round,

-so I have to go covert...

-Right.

I have to go covert to catch them.

And I'm going to dress up

as an old lady, pair of tights, pair of stockings on, right?

Oh, God!

I am, I am, aye, yeah, yeah. And then hire out one of them

bikes from the OAP shop, right, and I'm going to go...

What, you mean a mobility scooter?

One of them, yes, yes. Four mile an hour and then, phew,

once I see one, bosh...

They are going to get the shock of their lives.

-Yeah, it's right, though, innit?

-What are you're going to catch them doing?

-Well, riding the bikes.

-Yeah, but then...?

-Yeah.

-Then what, though?

-Well, you know, I'll hit them with my handbag or something, do you know.

-LAUGHTER

-All right, then, Jenny, give me another hug.

-All right.

-All right, bye-bye.

Take care.

When I said it, her eyes lightened up and I thought she thought...

"Wow," is what I thought.

Dressing up as a woman and hiring a mobility scooter to go

and catch people on off-road bikes, I think it's barmy.

That one's taken my eye.

It's got a basket on, as well, to put me handbag...

Part of me admires that and thinks it's fabulous

and could be just the sort of thing that will work.

Charity shop. Get a lady's dress and a pair of panties.

I'll have to say they're for me granny.

I do worry for him, though.

I worry that he won't know where to stop

and will get himself into some serious bother,

but I can't stop him.

Despite losing Pembo, Francis is going ahead with the meeting,

to try and enlist community volunteers.

Mind Sport has sent me this message to inspire me

for when I give my talk to the community.

In his inbox,

a motivational pep talk.

-RECORDING:

-Today I will stand up in front

of good people, honest people, the innocent people of North Road,

Darlington, a community rich with greatness, but fear in equal measure.

I know about boxing, I know about what to do.

It's just pressure, you know, wanting to get into that zone.

-RECORDING:

-I do what I do because it's the right thing to do.

I'm a warrior.

I take the bull by the horns and rip out its soul and show it to them.

When I'm finished, North Road will have been saved

and I shall look upon my success, marvelling in the peace

and tranquillity that beams from the faces of my flock.

The turnout at the meeting...

Hello, folks. How you doing?

..including a few staff members, isn't quite what Francis hoped.

Has anyone, firstly, not heard of Sparta?

No. Boys?

Sparta Security - maybe it's 100 metres up there

on the right-hand side, it's got a big bonny face on the door.

-LAUGHTER

-Beautiful.

Erm, so does anything or anyone have anything to say about,

you know, problems that they've been affected with in the area?

-No, I sort me own problems out, mate.

-Yeah...

At the Navy Club, is there any problems that you see outside?

-Just the bagheads scrounging fags.

-Yeah.

-Off their faces.

People on the street now and again, like break-ins and...

Yeah, break-ins.

There's been a few house fires and that.

We're looking at addressing these problems, do you know.

So, does anyone have any situation with maybe's nuisance noise?

-MAN:

-Yeah, fuck off.

LAUGHTER

There's one thing the pep talk didn't prepare Francis for...

Two seconds.

Hecklers.

Do you want to come in the meeting, mate?

-I...

-It's my pub.

Just a fella there,

just had...a bit too much to drink, he's had half a pint.

So, boys, have you got a question?

-MAN:

-Yeah, canny lad...

Did he say I'm a canny lad?

-MAN:

-I came down for a fucking drink, not a fucking bastard...

Don't bite your nails, it's bad for your cuticles!

It is, isn't it?

If he was 100 years younger...

LAUGHTER

And so I'm in the community.

I'm wanting to make a difference in the community.

I know you can sort your own problems out, but if you're

in bed asleep and you're older, listen, I'll do it for nowt.

How about that? Send patrols round. I appreciate you coming.

You're a star, by the way.

CHATTER

-I think a lot of people just think, "There's nothing you can do."

-Yeah.

Do you know, like, this, North Road's probably

-been like this for a hell of a long time.

-A long time.

Hopefully, he'll make some difference.

I don't think we got one signature on the...on the paper.

Does that mean it's flopped? No, you know, we'll just try again.

-I think you did a brilliant job.

-Oh, thank you.

-I couldn't have kept it together like that, especially...

-Give us a kiss on the cheek.

-..with a heckler.

-LAUGHTER

-He's pushing his luck here!

Ah, you're a chancer!

See you later.

Bless him.

Though people were prepared to discuss the area's problems,

so far, Francis doesn't have any new volunteers.

So he's going to need all of his covert expertise

to try and finally catch Darlo's nuisance bikers,

who've eluded him all summer.

You get one opportunity of the bikes.

And then the word will be round.

This time, he's getting in touch with his feminine side.

I'm called Sandra. Security Sandra.

HE EXHALES

The bikers have disrupted football games, endangered children,

and even the local MP's got involved. So Francis is determined to deliver.

ENGINE WHIRS

Tonight, we are going to go out looking for the bikers.

We're going to go undercover, going to try to get close to them.

If they see you, obviously, they're not going to come down.

We need to be hextra cautious.

As a well-known face, Francis has struggled to get close to his prey.

Go on, see you later, folks.

He hopes his alter ego will have more success.

If Sandra catches 'em, bosh. She's off this scooter.

She's after 'em, I'm telling ya.

Sandra's fast.

She's going to get hold of 'em and say,

"Stop going on the pitch. The lads are trying to play football."

They're here now. I can hear them.

MOTORBIKES IN DISTANCE

I can hear noises.

They could be up the hill.

Right, we need to ask people.

I'm not going to ask kids, cos I think I'll scare kids.

Better ask men.

-HIGH VOICE:

-I'm looking for some people on motorbikes.

-I've not seen none.

-OK, thank you.

-Have you seen any motorbikes?

-No bikes tonight.

-Have you got a girlfriend?

-Me? I've got a wife.

-Oh.

Are you happy?

-I'm not too bad, yeah.

-OK.

HE YAWNS

-Hi, mate, how are you?

-Eventually...

Do you know what time they come out?

..Francis finds a concerned resident.

I've been here for an hour.

This keen golfer has recently witnessed the damage

caused by the bikers.

Oh, did he? Let's have a look at it.

Aware that the suspects have watchers on the estate,

Francis needs to maintain deep cover.

How do I get down there?

Well, you'll have to get off your disabled carriage, I'm afraid.

He was pushing it across the green with his girlfriend, looked at me,

stared straight at me, made a few marks on the green and carried on.

-Did he?

-Yeah. No respect.

MOTORBIKE NEARBY

There's a motorbike. Hey, hey, hey!

I need to get him, I need to get him.

Francis has a biker in his sights.

There's a motorbike. There's a motorbike.

He takes off...

in not-so-hot pursuit.

As Francis gets help with his new Spartamobile...

Is that the guy who you were talking about?

-Across the river.

-Which field?

-This one.

-The football field?

..he may have been rumbled by the watchers.

LOUD REVVING

Is she going to tell him?

That's his girlfriend going to tell him.

Francis tries to cut off the target before a warning can get through.

He hasn't seen her!

Let's go, Joe!

# Hey, sweetheart! #

SHE SCREAMS

A cry goes out, that Francis thinks is a coded signal.

Where's he at?

Has he seen her?

No.

MOTORBIKE LEAVES

They seen me. I nearly got him, right.

I nearly got him.

The biker has escaped.

The disguise is blown.

But Francis is confident that Mission Mobility Scooter will

make future offenders think twice.

They know Sparta's on the trail, so they'll keep away.

Next time...

CHEERING ..at a local funfair...

HE ROARS ..Francis has his hands full.

Go and call the police.

Sit down, sit down, sit down, man!

I really want my job back, like...

And is it really the end for Pembo?

I wish him the very best of luck

because I do think he will probably need it.

I'll walk into the Houses of Parliament...

and I'll still get up there and I'll try and preach about Sparta Security.