Episode 7 Rent a Cop

All right, Mavis, how's it going?!

Can I have some of the response team,

just at the top where the balloons are?

Someone call the police, let's keep 'em till the police come.

No, he doesn't go nowhere, he doesn't go nowhere, he doesn't go nowhere.

The police are on their way, the police are on their way.

Sit down, sit down.

Sit down, man!

Darlington, north-east England.

In this historic market town...

..one man's on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

It's Sparta on patrol.

Fearless Francis Jones.

If you have a problem day or night...

I'm like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

If no-one else can help...

There's no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like.

..and if you can find him...

Socks goes over the shoes, cos Billy burglar, he can hear my shoes.

..maybe you can hire Sparta Security.

Spartan Warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong.

When you drive down the road, the kids always shout, "This is Sparta!"

What you are doing is akin to a Christian paramilitary

organisation, albeit without weapons.

If you want a steak, you go and get a sirloin.

If you want ice-cream you go to Tom & Jerry's.

If you want security, you come and see Spartacus.

SIREN

Since starting Sparta Security...

Hello there.

..Francis Jones has become a familiar name in businesses

across Darlington.

He's honest, quite a character.

I would trust him with my life.

He's got a reputation of doing things, er...

not by the book, let's say.

Ooh, Sparta Security, that's going straight in my basket!

Francis is very good looking, which always helps.

HE LAUGHS

Do you feel like you're making a difference?

I don't feel like I'm making a difference,

I KNOW I'm making a difference.

What do you know of Sparta Security?

Not a great deal.

I don't know what they're doing!

Have you heard of Francis Jones?

I haven't actually, no.

Francis wants to extend the company footprint into rural areas

outside of town.

We want to be the name on people's lips, right?

I need different initiatives and ways.

Sparta Farm Watch, Sparta Street Safe, Sparta Burglar Watch.

Monday, teatime.

We're going to go to a fish pond that has been getting

targeted by people without licences going in, stealing carp,

salmon and other types of fish.

Francis is responding to reports of unauthorised fly fishing.

They're fish burglars.

I'm having a meeting first of all with the fish owner.

-OK, Francis?

-Are you OK, mate?

Welcome to Cleasby Small Lake.

We've got coarse fishing, but we also stock a rainbow trout

-and a brown trout.

-Yep.

-They're edible.

-Yeah.

So people are using illegal methods to catch two dozen,

three dozen fish, taking them away and selling them in the pubs.

And each fish costs us £2 or £3 at least.

So you multiply that by several hundred fish, we can't afford it.

-Yeah.

-Now, you wouldn't expect a farmer to have a lamb taken...

-No.

..but people will come and take fish.

I would say try it for six weeks and I would suggest ten patrols a week.

Yeah, that sounds all right to me.

And then... And hopefully your problem will stop.

We're looking for burglars, looking for fish burglars.

He's got a problem which we're kind of leading the way in,

experts in, catching slinks.

You've gotta think like one.

They come through there and hide there.

It's not a great military job, you know, it's just basically

catching...Billy the burglar.

The client's impressed with the Sparta sales pitch.

126 years we've been going as a fishing club so, really,

do we want anybody like that?

Well, the answer is yeah. Now I've met him, the answer's yes.

Yes, we do.

Fish watch is on.

Darlo's trout thieves could soon be out of their depth.

At Sparta HQ...

I put false tan on me face last night and went to sleep on my hand.

..office team Clare and Rachel are discussing important business.

When I get a spray tan... I mean, you see how dark I am,

but then my boobs are so white.

Well, why do you wear a bra when you get a spray tan?

You stand there with nowt on?

-I'm shy.

-Well, get some of the little nipple covers.

Loads of women get spray tans with no clothes on, don't they?

-I don't know, do they?

-Little nipple covers, you can get them in Primark.

I don't bother, I just let mine stick out.

But the girls don't have time to talk tanning tips all day.

I'll give you her number and you can ring her or she can ring you,

whatever, and sort it out for Saturday.

The busy summer season's starting and they've been tasked with

recruiting a team of stewards for a local festival.

We do all of the work.

You don't mean Francis does any work, do you?

-Like what? Eats crisps?

-Yeah.

Walks the dog?

He doesn't do any work, he just sits there, his phone rings

and he goes, "Yeah, yeah."

Then he goes "Rach, we need 20 lads for a job."

That's Francis' idea of grafting

and then I'm like this, "Hi, hello, can you help me?"

While he's doing whatever.

Tonight Francis IS going to work.

Mr Fish Lips will be getting caught by Spartacus

because they're on our site.

Under cover of darkness, he's going on the first of his ten patrols

a week to catch Darlington's fish thieves.

I'm expecting there to be a fishy night.

Francis arrives, eager for the mission ahead.

See if there's a burglar on this pond. Oh, boy!

There's like a massive hawk and some.

Cos that's what I love, I thrive off it, I'm an adrenalin junkie.

I can see someone.

Using specialist surveillance kit, Francis detects movement.

There's a lot of sheep in that field.

So far no suspects in sight.

Francis sprints around the perimeter of the six-acre lake.

No-one there.

The fish thieves haven't surfaced.

I lost a stud in about 100 piles of dog muck and cow muck

and sheep muck, but that's what it takes to become a super hero,

Spartacus of this town.

Listen, I never caught no-one, cos no-one's here.

I can hear something over there.

If I'd have... Oh it's a fish, it's a fish in the pond.

After an unsuccessful stakeout, Francis heads home with an appetite.

You know, like, women have hormone feelings and they think,

"Oh, I want this, I want that"?

Do you know what I could just eat now?

Fish and chips.

Ah, I really want me job back, like. I...

Luke "Pembo" Pemberton recently lost his job at Sparta.

I did let him down, I understand that, I purely let him down.

I'm not going to lie, yes, I was li... I was doing it,

I was messing around a little bit.

Whilst Francis was on a crusade against nuisance bikers, Pembo

was caught on the back of a quad bike and paid the ultimate price.

I should have just been honest and told the truth,

I shouldn't have lied. I mean, that just broke my trust,

do you know what I mean? So all I can do is say sorry.

Obviously, I understand it's a trust issue,

but I'm still going to get out,

I want to get these signs everywhere.

Pembo's not giving up on his Sparta career.

Even if I don't get paid, I still want to sh...

I still want to shine, I want to prove to him.

I will still do little bits like this.

He's out trying to get company stickers in windows

in the hope of another chance.

Bet they looked at me and thought,

"Where's this lad going with his hair?!"

Is it possible to put one on your window?

I'll have a word with the boss, but I don't see why not.

Doesn't want it?

Yeah, no problem, mate.

It's a free service that I'm offering you, a little sticker that goes in the window,

-It's a deterrent against 'em, you see.

-Yeah.

The site is actually already secured.

Is the boss around or someone who I could speak to?

No, the boss is out, the boss'll be back in a bit.

he's just nipped to Boro.

So far the punters aren't buying.

They don't understand, it's free. It's a little bit of thing that goes on your...

It's a little bit of information goes on your window.

It stops burglars, it stops thieves, it's free.

But they don't want it.

Cos you know what it is? You can't teach pork.

With no Pembo, Rachel needs more young talent to make

the festival a success.

-Are you two here for an interview?

-Yeah.

If you just want to go down the stairs.

As Francis has been busy with his night patrols,

Rachel's taking the lead on recruitment.

-Hello, are you here for an interview as well?

-Yeah.

Sparta's regular guards all have security licences,

but these aren't necessary for stewarding.

You know, you've just got to give 'em a try, haven't you?

So Rachel's casting the net wider,

to give others the opportunity of work.

These lads just want a chance, they just want a chance.

That's what it's all about - giving people a chance that no-one

else'll give a chance. All right, my head's on the block, but...

You know, how are these kids supposed to get experience

and get a start in life if people say,

"You haven't got any experience, you can't have a job"?

So do you have any experience in working in security at all?

Erm, yeah... Yes and no.

And I've got my certificate, so...

Right, what certificates do you have?

Erm, I've got a birth certificate.

Do you have a CV at all, Tom, or not?

I did have an up-to-date one, but I haven't got one at the minute, no.

Have you got a telephone number there, Ashley?

I have, but I don't know it off by heart, unfortunately.

How do you want us to get in contact with you then?

Erm...

If you see two people and there's possibly alcohol involved

and they're having a sort of a set to,

how do you think you would deal with that?

Talk in a calm and...

In a calm and, like, casual way and just say, like,

"Don't spoil yourselves, lads".

The first thing is I would call over a member of, like, higher up

than me to see where it goes from there.

Right, OK. Well, we'll give you a shout.

They were all nice people, but there were a couple that I wouldn't use.

I can't lock this door.

I'm a bonny security woman and I can't even lock the door!

At the industrial estate...

All you can do is try, mate.

..Pembo's still trying to promote the company,

despite being off the payroll.

So all it is it's a little deterrent,

-There's no price there, it's a free service.

-Yeah.

Just a little sticker to go on your window.

We can't. With it being, like, a carpet company,

we have to be told what we display in our windows...

-Yeah, no problem.

-..unfortunately. Sorry about that.

Thanks for your time, darling.

All it is is a little sticker, it's a little deterrent that

just goes in your window. Is it possible to put it on?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no problem, right, thank you for that, mate.

Finally... HE LAUGHS

..he's got a result.

Least I might get my job back.

When he's driving his car and he'll look at that

and he'll know that I've put that up and it'll give me...

He should smile, I think,

and when he sees it, he'll think of me, won't he?

I'll walk in to the Houses Of Parliament and I'll sneak it

up there and I'll try to preach them all Sparta Security.

Just showing... I don't know,

I'm just showing what I feel comfortable doing.

Here you are, Max!

In the middle of the busy season,

staying active is important for Francis.

Yo, you're a queer dog, you.

But this morning's jog with Max has done more harm than good.

I went running with the dog this morning

and the little silly bastard ran in my space, right?

So I went tumbling to the floor, on concrete as well.

I smashed me head off the floor, I whacked me shoulder

and I just want to show you this here,

just so you know what I'm talking about.

My shoulder there, can you see that shoulder has popped out?

So I'm a little bit under the under the weather today

and if you see me, obviously,

and I'm not as sharp as a carrot, then that's the reason,

that's because... You know?

So I'm just letting you know.

Doctor's orders are to avoid wrestling burglars

while the injury heals.

Me shoulder's dislocated, I should have it in a sling, but my dad

said, right, he said, "Don't have it in a sling."

He said, "Cos you're showing people you've got a weakness."

Do you know what I'm saying there?

Cos I'm a fighting man, that's what I am.

So... And instead of meeting confrontation head on,

I maybe somehow have to sidestep it.

Oh, no, the dog's having a shit and I have no bags.

Max!

-DOG BARKS

-Oi, no, no!

Go out, you'll go out if you start working yourself.

Despite Francis' injury,

the show must go on for Sparta's upcoming event.

Oh, it's not straightforward, you have about 50,000 people through

there, so you'll have naughty parties there,

you'll have people who's looking to cause trouble.

Rachel's already done a recruitment drive to find young

talent for the festival...

Stand up, Dean, please.

..but Francis has insisted on hiring more experienced staff to

back him up, so Rachel's interviewees have missed out.

Dean's trained in origami, yeah?

I'm telling you now, right, this kid can have that bit in two,

no problem at all, but you know...

I'll tell you what he's trained in, he's trained in good manners.

He's trained in common sense and he's trained in how

to diffuse any confrontation,

cos the idea is I don't want it escalating now, I want it diffusing.

It's the day of the Middlesbrough Balloon Festival.

We're a team and you've got to defend yourself.

Doctor's orders are for Francis to keep his sling on all day.

So, hello, folks, loads of you who I haven't met -

Francis Jones, Sparta Security, cheers for turning up today.

He's making an exception for his rousing speech to the troops.

Put your hand up, please, Mitchell and Antonia.

You two, did you come together?

Boyfriend and girlfriend?

No.

Er, Grant, we're going to have to take that coat off, mate.

Later on, yeah? It looks scruffy.

Hands in your pockets, boys, doesn't happen, do you know?

Before I start any shift, I always pray for me boys.

I ask God who looks after us, you know, and protects us.

I want us to have courage, I want us to back each other up.

If I get someone puts one of them on me chin,

I expect you to be on the ball.

OK, we're a team today, the 300s, right?

Potential trouble spots at the event include the Teapot ride,

Lucky Dip stall and Crooked Cottage Funhouse.

So I'll be patrolling the perimeter,

I'll be floating about in the festival.

I would like us all to be on our toes, you've got to defend yourself.

I don't want no fighting, but if anyone comes for it and puts

it on you, you know they get put out.

I mean, put out of the venue, yeah?

Sparta's services are required at the main stage where pop music

royalty are about to perform.

You've got a crowd causing trouble,

then it can put you off and, you know, you can miss your cues

and miss your dances and things,

so we've gotta be able to get on with it, haven't we?

Yeah, just safe and secure in your own work environment, knowing

that you've got the people on hand to help you out if you need it.

Francis needs to make sure Take That Live's adoring public don't

get too close for comfort.

It's almost like they think you're the real Take That sometimes

-and they...

-They'll still pull you off the stage.

They'll jump all over you, they'll scream at you, you know?

And you've got to sort of hold them back.

If you've got security you don't need to worry.

OK, after three, two, one, off we go, then.

We did private security on Sir Bobby Robson, England football team.

We've had professional boxers,

elite movie stars which we've secured and protected.

We have the X Factor.

Now added to the client list, Take That Live on the Balloons

and Tunes stage.

# To believe in the night

# Want a date to belong

# To a face in the crowd to the beat of your heart

# And the moment begins And you're working it out. #

With a heavy security presence, the gig passes without incident.

# Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh

# These days. #

CHEERING

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Once the rock stars are safely back in the Green Room...

Cheers, boys.

..talk turns to Pembo.

I don't want him to try and get his job back

because he's out of Sparta's doors and erm, you know,

that's that, you know, that's the end.

It's a shame, you know, we give the lad a chance,

he enjoyed his job, but he messed up.

We run a super professional company and we say we're the best,

we stand out from the rest, so you know it's, erm, it's life.

You know, Rocky says, Rocky Balboa, "shit happens" and it does.

While Pembo waits to see if he does get another chance...

I'm just trying to get myself back into employment.

..he's been considering other options.

I lost my job off Francis so I'm happy now, I'm going to

go and meet this woman, hopefully a potential start tomorrow.

I know it's only industrial cleaning, but it could be...

It's only part-time. It could be going for temp...

Like for permanent.

I've just got to work my hardest, haven't I?

If this goes well, it really could be the end for Pembo and Francis.

One day.

At the festival, and without his right-hand man,

Francis has grudgingly put the sling on as night time approaches.

It's taken away his power, it's taken away his super hero,

he feels like just a normal member of the public,

rather than a professional boxer.

I mean, he can take on two or three men on his own, normally.

It's really getting to him now, definitely.

I don't like it, I hate it, I feel useless.

I tell you how it makes me feel.

I've got a lass and my penis is tiny and, you know, she's dated

Dirk Diggler for like a year and now she's with me.

A little tiny corey.

And so what is there, right...

Erm, you know, I feel a little bit vulnerable.

The festival clientele is starting to change.

It's coming into the evening when the chavs come in,

do you know what I'm saying?

So we need to be on the ball, cos you'll have the boyos, the young

kids, and this, that and the other, all coming, congregating, trying

to show off to their girlfriends and they could be frisked.

Get in!

All right, Mavis, how's it going?

The evening crowd are making their presence felt around the Waltzer.

There's a load of kids. I want the rapid response team,

there could be juice, so I want all the boys here. OK, lads?

Lads, I want youse off here, boys.

I want youse off here, boys, all right?

The festival's drawing to an end.

For Francis, so far, it's gone well.

We came, we had a mission to do and we've smashed it.

Hey, there's no bother, there's no bother, just patrol,

keep an eye open for any trouble, OK, mate?

Most of the team have clocked off, leaving Francis

and a few others for the last half hour.

INDISTINCT RADIO CRACKLE

Then suddenly...

-RADIO:

-'Car park...'

Code Red from the car park.

Someone call the police, let's keep him till the police come.

What happened?

No, no, I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about him.

Call the police.

No, he doesn't go nowhere, he doesn't go nowhere, he doesn't go nowhere.

Can I have some security to the car park, please?

Lads, I do not want him to go nowhere, do you understand, yeah?

-RADIO:

-'On me way now, me and Richie are on our way now.'

No, no, you stay, you sit down.

He sits down, just sit down!

A boy's been accused of smashing a car window

and detained by Sparta till the police arrive.

I didn't do anything to no-one...

The police are on their way, the police are on their way, is they?

SUSPECT MUMBLES

Francis and three others are surrounded by around 20 youths.

Sit yourself down. Boys, if you... If you want to...

Sit down! Sit down! Sit down, man!

Listen to me.

We've called the police, we told them it was an emergency.

It's scary for Francis,

he's holding a kid with 20 of the kid's friends around him,

waiting for the police to come because obviously

we can't actually arrest the kid.

Francis tries to keep control of the situation till help arrives.

Who's the boyo in this group?

Just so I know - is any right hands going?

Cos your chin's going to get taken off his jaw.

Who's the boyo in this group?

I'm calm, I'm calm, but I'm just... Because...

Cos I'm the boyo out of our group,

so that's what's going to happen, yeah.

There's a big group of 16-20 year olds, carrying razor

blades which is what we were informed of.

You've got piranha fish around you

and you're bleeding in the water.

I'm not taking no chances, that piranha fish there,

when I turned around, had his hands up.

The police should be there now.

Eventually the cavalry arrive.

The suspect's questioned by the police and, for Sparta,

the job is done.

We were supposed to come off at ten o'clock, but we stayed

till half ten and it's a good job for the event organiser, really,

cos, you know, we stopped someone from maybe being assaulted.

At the office, a debrief shows how much danger the balloon

festival team could have been in.

Jim, you had took this off one of the youths when this happened

and I was surrounded by a load of wolves - 15-20-year-olds.

A 15-20-year-old can put that down your throat and it got very heated.

The guy went to... I think he pulled out a cigarette packet

out of his pocket and I saw that fall to the floor.

I just took it off him, I said, "You ain't getting it back," so...

We also took one of these. I found it on the floor

when the youths had dispersed.

Weapons, knives and such like, you just don't see them coming.

You prevented a possible dangerous situation happening, you know,

so well done, you made me very happy so good on you.

Francis is back at the angling lake where fish thieves have been

sinking profits.

This is a sign that we're going to put up.

I think when the fish burglars see this sign they will be wary,

they'll be on their toes because we patrol undercover, under radar.

And his nocturnal solo missions haven't been in vain.

We've had the odd problem,

but the word soon spread that Francis was about

and Sparta, um...

Yeah, so it's been... It's been money well spent.

I want to spread the word of God which is the Bible.

I always put a different Bible quote on the signs.

After a busy week...

Hello, folks, how are you doing?

..Francis is in high spirits.

I'm going to get a handle and put it in that place,

so people have to turn there.

-Fiddle with it.

-Fiddle with me to get in.

On his to-do list - catching up with a former employee.

'Can you hear me, Francis?'

-Hello, Pembo, can you hear me?

-'Yeah.'

Pembo, all right, all right, Pembo.

Pembo's been trying to get his Sparta job back.

This could be his lucky day.

Pembo, can you come to the office now, please?

-'I'm just on me way to Newcastle.'

-Oh, is it?

'I've got a... I start work tomorrow at half past seven.

-'Do you know the train company?'

-Oh, yeah, OK.

'Yeah, industrial cleaning.'

-How many hours a week?

-'Er, 45.'

-45 hours, eh?

-'Yeah.'

See how it goes, isn't it? Do you know? Cos it'll be hard work.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Start there, mate, we'll have a chat Sunday

-at church.

-'Yeah, I'll catch you at the end,

'we'll go and have some dinner, right?'

Yeah. All right, bye-bye.

Looks like Francis has lost his sidekick for good.

I gave him a ladder, I gave him a hand up.

People sometimes get in a ditch, whether it's in drugs, drink

and so it's kind of like a ladder out of the ditch, a helping hand.

I wish him luck.

I wish him the very best of luck cos I do think he'll probably need it.

I've made a friend, haven't I? He wasn't just a boss, he was my friend.

It's not that I fell out with Francis, or nothing.

At the end of the day, we're still mates, you know what I mean?

I just don't work for Sparta.

You know, with Sparta he had a mentor in myself,

trying to help him, guide him,

but he won't have a mentor who's on his wavelength in his new job.

Francis is always taking in people.

He genuinely does want to help and he tries his best,

he does, he tries his very best.

He'll repay the same love that I give him to other people.

It's like a triangle. I give you love and you will do that to

someone else and then they will do that to someone else.

It's maybe just more like a square, you know,

but it's great.

Next time...

I mean, what happens if he's burgled now?

He'll get rid of Sparta.

Francis is under pressure to keep a client happy.

It's Sparta on patrol.

I can take me own clothes off, Francis.

Rachel reveals all in the name of charity.

What's the description of these youths that come down?

And Francis is on the trail of a mysterious troublemaker.

We're on the hunt for the ginger Milky Bar Kid.