Episode 8 Rent a Cop


Episode 8

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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METAL CLANGS

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Darlington, north-east England.

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In this historic market town...

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one man is on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

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He's smiling, he's unprovoked.

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Fearless Francis Jones.

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If you have a problem, day or night...

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I am like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

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If no-one else can help...

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There is no escape from Francis Jones.

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People always say I'm different, like.

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And if you can find him...

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Socks goes over the shoes.

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Billy Burglar can hear my shoes.

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..maybe you can hire Sparta security.

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Spartan warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

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who were strong.

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When you drive down the road, the kids always shout, "This is Sparta!"

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What you are doing is akin to a Christian paramilitary

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organisation albeit without weapons.

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If you want a steak, you get a sirloin.

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If you want ice cream, you go to Tom and Jerry's.

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If you want security, you come and see Spartacus.

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Mother Teresa said never mind about being great -

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she said do the small things. "Do the small things," she says.

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Sparta security boss Francis Jones is responding to a reported disturbance...

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Faster!

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..at a local dance studio.

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Darrien Wright, a former winner of Strictly Dance Fever, has been

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teaching boys ballet in the area for six years.

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I'm having a few issues with teenagers banging on windows,

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-shouting, calling names.

-Have you spoken to the police about it?

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They can't walk past here every day at that certain time.

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Francis's number one rule is never turn down a job. No job at all.

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What is the description of these youths?

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The little ringleader in it all, he's really short, ginger hair,

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glasses.

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If you need his help and your cause is genuine, Francis will help.

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He's a little bit like the Milky Bar Kid.

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Once I get a few names, I will get it nipped in the bud for you.

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Operation Milky Bar is on.

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We are on the hunt for the ginger Milky Bar Kid,

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that's the description that's come in.

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Obviously I won't tell his parents that but the Milky Bars are on me!

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Francis is on his way to a client who may not be in the best of moods.

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Burglars unbolted the fencing, climbed into the site next door.

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When my guard patrolled, he never saw him.

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The client wasn't very happy about it.

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Burglars broke into the fibreglass factory to gain access to

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a neighbouring site... causing costly damage in the process.

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This is where they came and went. They forced the fence right back.

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We have chained it again but if they come with bolt cutters

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they will still cut them.

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The company, CFM,

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pay Sparta for two patrols of their premises every night.

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18 months. Two years. No problems.

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So since Sparta started patrolling, it went down.

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Well, we were burgled while Sparta were patrolling, but, yeah!

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I will invest my time, hiding in a bush

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because I want to catch one.

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-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

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To keep his client happy,

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Francis needs to act fast.

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What happens if he's burgled now?

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He'll get rid of Sparta, I would have thought.

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Cos he'll be annoyed and frustrated.

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I'd like them to prevent it or catch the people while they were here.

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Not inform me afterwards that I've been burgled!

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Cos we'll know that!

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As a Christian, Francis takes pride in offering a helping hand to all companies -

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and creatures - great and small.

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Just checking on this bird to see if it's dead or alive.

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Dead pigeon.

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Driving across town, Francis has picked up a passenger

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that may have a chance of survival.

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It's not the first time...

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..I've had a bird between my legs.

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You could say it's the first time I've had a pecker

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between my legs though.

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Dr Doolittle will take him in.

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I've taken an owl in,

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I've taken, um, hedgehogs.

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I've taken rabbits, dogs,

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cats, tortoises.

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Never had a fox. Never had a badger.

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I've taken a lot, like.

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There's a bit of a callous there on that wing.

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I wonder whether he has broken his wing.

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He's healing but he may struggle to be fully independent.

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But it is certainly worth giving him the try, doing a staged release.

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Sparta's newest and smallest client will recuperate

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-until he's ready to be released back into the wild.

-He's called Percy.

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-You have to be very careful with him.

-Percy!

-He's just a baby.

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He's a baby and I'm trying to look after him.

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Are you guys going to say goodbye to Sparta then?

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-Say goodbye.

-See you later on. Take care of yourselves.

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See you later, my mate. Top man.

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Friday. Lunchtime.

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Another local company have asked Sparta for assistance.

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DONKEY BRAYS

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Likes you!

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I tried releasing the one in the bottom yesterday

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but it won't take off as yet.

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Kevin has run the Kays Hill Sanctuary for ten years

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offering a home to sick and abandoned animals.

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He is the most vicious raccoon going.

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Watch your fingers, he will take them off.

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As well as grumpy raccoons, Kevin has also been targeted by criminals.

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I've had trouble with poachers in the past.

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We have been broken into and had animals moved.

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-I don't know who it is doing it but they are around.

-I love animals.

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I'd be willing to help.

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Maybe if you could think about the alarm just in case you are ever out.

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But it is not Sparta's surveillance skills that Kevin needs to

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solve the sanctuary's problems.

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The fundraising isn't doing too well.

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We're at a point where we turn away so many animals

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but I can only do what I can do with the resources I've got.

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-You need more money, is what you need.

-Great.

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He desperately needs to raise funds to improve the facilities.

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That is Shirley, an old goat.

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Hello, Shirley. You need money for fences.

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You can see the fences all need repairing.

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Rachel wants to use some blue sky thinking to see how Sparta can help.

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It's all right standing with a bucket in a supermarket or

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whatever. Yeah, people do that every day. Do something different.

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Do something shocking where people are going to think,

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"Wow, that is funny, that's a good idea."

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Hello, ginger. Hello, ginge.

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Let's raise some money. This cat loves me.

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I'll just hold this pussy between Rachel's legs.

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The cat is the same colour as her feet.

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..as my false tan!

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Oh, yes, he is!

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Francis is now turning his attention to catching

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the people behind the factory break-in.

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I've got some burglars who have gone on a site.

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-I'm after some copper...

-Some bait.

-Yeah, some bait. Some meat.

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I'm told you're the butcher.

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You have to put something down like what looks authentic, aren't ya?

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Some cable or something.

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Copper wire is a popular target for thieves who try to sell

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-it for cash to avoid detection.

-Would that entice them?

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-Would they know what's in that?

-I would have thought so.

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It is just a case of casting the line out, you have a maggot

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in the water, right, and it is wiggling. And it is just time, sweetheart.

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-Night has fallen.

-We're going fishing.

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Francis and his maggots are going to work.

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I'll roll a packet - psst! - into the water.

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And just wait for the fish to come around.

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Francis also hopes to establish what time the burglars are operating.

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We have got a camera here,

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I will tape it to a tree,

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put a big load of tape around the tree.

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The fish come along... These are piranha fish.

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You have got to be on your toes.

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Because what do piranha fish do?

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What do they do?

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They bite!

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Just as Francis prepares the bait...

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NOISE NEARBY

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METAL CLANGS

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He thinks he's hooked a piranha.

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It seems that this fish has swum away.

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This camera, do you put it there, do you put it there?

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I don't want to lose that. I don't want it to get stolen, either.

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Francis gets back to setting his trap.

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That is how they get over.

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This is where they get in and out.

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It flashes. It's motion activated.

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When they're jumping over the wall,

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they're not going to be expecting to see the flash.

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They are focused over here.

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He's heading around here. He's smiling. He's unprovoked.

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I'll be happy when I've caught them. So, when I come back tomorrow...

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And see what the camera has picked up.

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Rachel has come up with an idea to help raise money for the animal

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sanctuary.

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-Just have a seat a minute, Jim.

-By utilising the Spartan army.

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We're doing a calendar to raise money for Kays Hill.

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We're going to do a Sparta calendar instead of the Calendar Girls

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calendar where we're all going to hold an animal

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instead of how the ladies held flowers.

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-Is it a fully nude calendar?

-Yeah, apart from the animal.

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I can do a naked Jim as long as my manhood is covered.

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All she needs to do now is sell it to the staff.

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Bigger animals for bigger bits or smaller animals...

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It depends how much you want to show off.

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-You could have a little ginger cat.

-No!

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Some are not so keen on baring all for the camera.

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Think of all them poor little animals.

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It's worth getting your kit off for, isn't it?

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But as Rachel gives the shifts out...

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Yeah, all right, then.

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..it pays to be in her good books.

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-Might have a handful!

-You're right, you might have to find a big cock, Mitch.

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-That is what you have to do.

-OK!

-Just hold whatever.

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Mitch said he's going to hold a big cock.

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One Spartan warrior who has enlisted for the naked mission...

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Three, two, one more.

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-..is 24-year-old Phil...

-15.

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..who has been working at the company for five months.

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Think about looking like Magic Mike.

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To make sure Phil looks the part on the day, Rachel is giving him

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some personal fitness training.

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We're going to get the guys in shape for this calendar.

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And stop them looking like security guards and make them

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look more like The Dreamboys.

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Come on, it is time to get hard-core.

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We have a calendar to make. And I need to have a little word with you.

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Rachel also thinks his security guard diet has room for improvement.

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I asked him to write me down what he ate, I thought he had written

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a week's worth and I noticed it said on a workday this is what I eat.

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Honest, I couldn't believe it.

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Two vanilla slices, two chicken and barbecue pastry slices,

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a packet of mozzarella cheese, Chicago pizza, Kit Kat, fudge cake

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bar, two caramel squares, two egg and bacon sandwich fillers, wraps.

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Three-inch slice of Viennetta ice cream,

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one litre of black sugared coffee.

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Beef and turkey sandwich,

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and a tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream.

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I mean, how did you find the time to fit all that in?

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It was a 20-hour day, that. You had me working hard that day.

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Even so, you must have eaten every ten minutes.

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Where did you find the time to do any work in between all that

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eating? That's what concerns me.

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-You must have been...

-I'm efficient, though, and I?

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Ten hours of eating! Come on.

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You can do this. Come on. You're a Spartan.

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Right, Phil. We've got another set of those.

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There's still a few who are kind of avoiding me

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and hemming and hawing about doing it.

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They will be doing it.

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Francis is trying to find the person responsible for disrupting

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the local dance school.

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We are looking for a lad, glasses and ginger hair.

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He always bangs on the windows here. Ginger hair.

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-I know a ginger guy, but he doesn't have glasses.

-Thanks, anyway.

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All right. That's what we're looking for. The little ginger version.

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He's got ginger hair, glasses. He looks like the Milky Bar Kid.

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-Dunno.

-Cheers, buddy. Thank you.

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I think some kids just seem to be like just walking about, chilling.

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And then others are just out just to be little shits.

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She might know. Ginger hair with glasses.

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-ANSWER MUFFLED

-All right.

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No, don't give up. Don't give up.

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Lads, we're looking for a kid with glasses, ginger hair.

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Who can give me a name?

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Eventually...

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Has he been home or not?

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..Francis gets a lead.

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-Is there a ginger-haired kid? I just want to speak with him, that's all, from the school.

-Um...

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You don't know your neighbours, no?

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-To be honest, I think they've gone.

-Oh, is it?

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So, we've just knocked at the door of the suspect that we thought

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he was going to be and the neighbour told me that, you know,

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they weren't in.

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So we just drive on and see if we pass Milky Bar boy on the way.

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At Sparta HQ....

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HE MAKES NONSENSE NOISE

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..Percy's broken wing is on the mend.

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Maximus is downstairs and Maximus can't come up here

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when Percy's up here, cos he'll have her for his dinner.

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She has to practice flying. Three, two, one - fly!

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Francis hopes his feathered friend will soon be ready for a staged

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release into the wild.

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Good bird. Oh, yes, you are.

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Under cover of darkness, Francis is checking up on his bait.

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Some of it is gone. There's been people coming up here.

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Due to a technical hitch, the only evidence captured by the camera

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was pictures of a passing cat and blowing leaf.

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Things have been cut.

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They've taken the copper out of the wire,

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so, to be honest, yeah, it's live.

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It's been taken.

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In the last five hours.

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So, put a guard here.

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Francis has lost a fiver's worth of copper

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and is now doubly determined to catch the culprits.

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It's the day of the naked calendar shoot to raise

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funds for Kays Hill Animal Sanctuary.

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-Right, I'm ready!

-HE LAUGHS

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After Rachel's fitness Boot Camp, Phil is raring to go.

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What a guy. What a man!

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The fate of the sanctuary is in the hands of naked Spartans.

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Two guards looking not so keen to bare all - Dirty Mick and Dean.

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They've all give up their own time to come up here today

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but then, they're Spartans. They WOULD be game.

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-So you're up for it, then, dude?

-I don't know.

-Eh?

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-No.

-Can you not be a bit more enthusiastic, you know?

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When I go in there, I'm going to stand like this. Proud as anything!

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Stand where I was.

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Sparta plan to give away the calendars to help promote

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the sanctuary and raise awareness of its cause.

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The Spartan warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

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who were strong, who worked together.

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What are you doing, hiding behind me?

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For maximum exposure, they need eye-catching pictures.

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People know what a Spartan warrior is. It's got some backbone to it.

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-Can't do it.

-Are you better off with a guinea pig or something?

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So you always get respect.

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Thank you.

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-You're getting security officers trained...

-Sorry.

-..in confrontation.

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-She won't hurt you.

-Sparta are the boyos who do it.

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Rachel doesn't have enough models for all 12 months.

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-Which animal are you having, Kevin?

-Me? None.

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But we haven't got enough people for the calendar, Kevin.

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So her fitness protege, Phil, has more poses to strike.

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-Shelley the goat.

-Shelley the goat.

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And Shelley the goat gets her big moment.

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It's looking at you there!

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HE LAUGHS

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Aw! Oh. Yeah, that's good.

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Time for Rachel's close-up.

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Oh, what's he want to come in and watch mine for?

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CAT MEOWS

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Francis turns director.

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I can take my own clothes off, Francis!

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One-handed, as well!

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-Right, give us the cat.

-CAT MEOWS

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Right, you have to be quick before the cat runs off.

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-I didn't know what animal I'm going to have.

-What do you fancy?

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I fancy a pussycat.

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The cat doesn't want to play!

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Finally...

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Oh, boy!

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Fearless and clothesless, Francis Jones.

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I need a tan, to be honest, don't I?

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Do you want to do one looking deadly serious?

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How d'you look serious, when you're sat naked behind a dog?

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The naked calendar shoot is a wrap.

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Everyone seems to have enjoyed their selves.

0:21:200:21:22

Just got to wait and see what these pictures really look like now.

0:21:220:21:25

Rachel hopes the end product will help the sanctuary raise important funds.

0:21:250:21:29

The photos are OK and I think it will be a good calendar.

0:21:290:21:33

At the Dance Wright studio...

0:21:400:21:42

Drop, bun, bun, hair...

0:21:420:21:44

..Francis's local enquiries seem to have had the desired effect.

0:21:440:21:48

Francis come with his company.

0:21:480:21:50

He had a little cheeky word in the ears -

0:21:500:21:53

and give him his due, it worked. Straight away!

0:21:530:21:56

Milky Bar Kid goes past still, most of the time, he either puts his head down

0:21:580:22:02

or just carries on talking to his pals. Not a peep out of him.

0:22:020:22:06

And some of the kids that used to go past that were little buggers,

0:22:060:22:10

started coming in to the dance class.

0:22:100:22:12

I think they were probably just wanting to step through

0:22:120:22:15

but were too embarrassed or too shy or just thought, oh,

0:22:150:22:19

it's not cool and then they've come in and they've actually stayed,

0:22:190:22:22

so definitely done the trick here.

0:22:220:22:24

Five, six, seven and one and two and three, four...

0:22:260:22:28

Francis is preparing to try and catch the copper thieves red-handed.

0:22:310:22:34

There's not a chance that's getting on, like. It might go over my head.

0:22:340:22:38

Since his centrefold performance on the calendar shoot, Phil's been

0:22:380:22:42

promoted to the stakeout team.

0:22:420:22:43

Your collar's up and you're fly's undone.

0:22:430:22:46

THEY LAUGH

0:22:460:22:48

The burglar's been caught and we're not there.

0:22:480:22:51

You know, we just have to step up our game a little bit.

0:22:510:22:54

See if they rock up tonight.

0:22:540:22:56

I ask, "God, throw down some energy, God. Make us catch the burglars."

0:22:590:23:05

With Phil's help, Francis can cover the entry point from two angles

0:23:070:23:11

and lie in wait till the culprits appear.

0:23:110:23:14

Let's dance, baby.

0:23:140:23:15

Francis needs to school his new sidekick in the art

0:23:170:23:20

of the covert mission.

0:23:200:23:22

I don't want anybody to see me.

0:23:220:23:24

I want no-one to see me, like the Invisible Man.

0:23:240:23:28

Do you know what I'm saying? I want to be like the X-Man.

0:23:280:23:30

Or the Grey Man. Whatever his name is.

0:23:300:23:32

I think I'm sometimes on a different wavelength.

0:23:320:23:37

All good, though. It's all good.

0:23:370:23:39

The two-man team approach the site.

0:23:410:23:44

Some cheese for the mouse.

0:23:440:23:46

Bait at the ready.

0:23:460:23:47

That's the bait.

0:23:560:23:58

They stripped all that. OK?

0:23:580:24:00

So what we're going to do, we leave this in a place that they see.

0:24:000:24:05

Up against the white.

0:24:060:24:08

Francis can't afford to keep losing copper wire.

0:24:080:24:11

-There.

-Yeah.

0:24:110:24:13

This time, he needs a result.

0:24:130:24:15

OK.

0:24:150:24:16

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:24:210:24:23

The team waits patiently.

0:24:230:24:26

It's being actively burgled at the moment.

0:24:260:24:29

So we're actually covertly looking out for burglars.

0:24:290:24:35

And obviously, we are in constant contact over the phone.

0:24:350:24:39

If we see or hear anything...

0:24:390:24:41

And before long...

0:24:430:24:44

..there's suspicious movement by the cabin.

0:24:480:24:51

Francis thinks he's got the culprit cornered.

0:24:530:24:56

Oh, it's a hedgehog. It's a hedgehog.

0:25:060:25:08

-Shame we didn't catch anybody.

-Well, you know, you can't get everything, do you know what I'm saying?

0:25:150:25:19

Obviously, you never know whether that hedgehog's been stripping the wire, though, do you?

0:25:190:25:23

Well, he could have been. I know what you're saying.

0:25:230:25:26

With no solid evidence, they release the suspect.

0:25:260:25:29

After a few failed stakeouts,

0:25:330:25:35

Francis and Phil are widening the hunt for the copper thieves.

0:25:350:25:39

On the left there, on the bike, he's looking at me.

0:25:390:25:41

You know he's a burglar. I'm telling you now.

0:25:410:25:44

And these are some burglars here. I'm going to put the lights on him.

0:25:440:25:48

How's it going, lads? Lads, are you burglars?

0:25:490:25:52

Are you burglars or not?

0:25:520:25:54

Despite being out late on a school night, these lads, just like the hedgehog, are not guilty.

0:25:560:26:02

Not burgling our sites, are they?

0:26:020:26:04

THEY LAUGH

0:26:040:26:06

At least partly thanks to Francis's efforts,

0:26:060:26:08

CFM haven't been burgled since.

0:26:080:26:10

At Sparta HQ, Francis is preparing for a bittersweet moment.

0:26:170:26:23

He's beautiful.

0:26:240:26:26

He loves animals a lot more than he loves people, without a doubt. He...

0:26:260:26:32

He's great at it.

0:26:320:26:34

She's my pal. Come on, Perce.

0:26:340:26:36

And it's certainly Francis' softer side.

0:26:360:26:38

It may be a side that maybe people don't see but it's a real kindness.

0:26:380:26:43

You get ready to fly.

0:26:430:26:46

He flies. He flies - whoof! He's off.

0:26:460:26:48

And so I'm thinking he don't want to stay no more.

0:26:480:26:52

So this is at the back of our office on the North Road

0:26:560:27:00

and you can fly away, baby, yeah, you can.

0:27:000:27:03

You're going to go now, son. All right? Have you enjoyed yourself?

0:27:030:27:07

I know you have. I've enjoyed having you.

0:27:080:27:11

All his life, a long life, Jesus named me as his servant.

0:27:110:27:14

Good girl! Good girl!

0:27:200:27:22

Oh, he's over the moon. Oh, he's over the moon.

0:27:230:27:26

I'll look for him every day, like, when I come down here.

0:27:260:27:30

People say they're rats with wings.

0:27:300:27:33

I know some people who are rats without wings!

0:27:330:27:36

Cos we're worse 100% than a bird.

0:27:380:27:41

We eat everything, we kill everything, it's always our way.

0:27:410:27:44

If there was a yellow man come down to earth,

0:27:440:27:47

or a green man, we'd kill him as well.

0:27:470:27:50

See you later, Perce.

0:27:500:27:52

Next time...

0:28:020:28:03

Come sit on Santa's knee.

0:28:030:28:05

In Darlow, it's Crimbo.

0:28:050:28:08

I'm waiting for my employee to rock up.

0:28:080:28:11

The race is on to be named Sparta's finest employee.

0:28:110:28:14

I've won it already!

0:28:140:28:17

They're burning all the trees down.

0:28:170:28:19

And faced with a mysterious vandal...

0:28:190:28:21

Why? I just do not know.

0:28:210:28:23

..Francis brings in a familiar face to help.

0:28:230:28:25

Well, that's good. He's not even fucking in!

0:28:250:28:28

How good is that?

0:28:280:28:29

HE LAUGHS

0:28:310:28:33

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