Episode 8 Rent a Cop

This programme contains some strong language

METAL CLANGS

Darlington, north-east England.

In this historic market town...

one man is on a mission to make crime a thing of the past.

He's smiling, he's unprovoked.

Fearless Francis Jones.

If you have a problem, day or night...

I am like a doctor to the burglars. I give them their medicine.

If no-one else can help...

There is no escape from Francis Jones.

People always say I'm different, like.

And if you can find him...

Socks goes over the shoes.

Billy Burglar can hear my shoes.

..maybe you can hire Sparta security.

Spartan warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong.

When you drive down the road, the kids always shout, "This is Sparta!"

What you are doing is akin to a Christian paramilitary

organisation albeit without weapons.

If you want a steak, you get a sirloin.

If you want ice cream, you go to Tom and Jerry's.

If you want security, you come and see Spartacus.

Mother Teresa said never mind about being great -

she said do the small things. "Do the small things," she says.

Sparta security boss Francis Jones is responding to a reported disturbance...

Faster!

..at a local dance studio.

Darrien Wright, a former winner of Strictly Dance Fever, has been

teaching boys ballet in the area for six years.

I'm having a few issues with teenagers banging on windows,

-shouting, calling names.

-Have you spoken to the police about it?

They can't walk past here every day at that certain time.

Francis's number one rule is never turn down a job. No job at all.

What is the description of these youths?

The little ringleader in it all, he's really short, ginger hair,

glasses.

If you need his help and your cause is genuine, Francis will help.

He's a little bit like the Milky Bar Kid.

Once I get a few names, I will get it nipped in the bud for you.

Operation Milky Bar is on.

We are on the hunt for the ginger Milky Bar Kid,

that's the description that's come in.

Obviously I won't tell his parents that but the Milky Bars are on me!

Francis is on his way to a client who may not be in the best of moods.

Burglars unbolted the fencing, climbed into the site next door.

When my guard patrolled, he never saw him.

The client wasn't very happy about it.

Burglars broke into the fibreglass factory to gain access to

a neighbouring site... causing costly damage in the process.

This is where they came and went. They forced the fence right back.

We have chained it again but if they come with bolt cutters

they will still cut them.

The company, CFM,

pay Sparta for two patrols of their premises every night.

18 months. Two years. No problems.

So since Sparta started patrolling, it went down.

Well, we were burgled while Sparta were patrolling, but, yeah!

I will invest my time, hiding in a bush

because I want to catch one.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

To keep his client happy,

Francis needs to act fast.

What happens if he's burgled now?

He'll get rid of Sparta, I would have thought.

Cos he'll be annoyed and frustrated.

I'd like them to prevent it or catch the people while they were here.

Not inform me afterwards that I've been burgled!

Cos we'll know that!

As a Christian, Francis takes pride in offering a helping hand to all companies -

and creatures - great and small.

Just checking on this bird to see if it's dead or alive.

Dead pigeon.

Driving across town, Francis has picked up a passenger

that may have a chance of survival.

It's not the first time...

..I've had a bird between my legs.

You could say it's the first time I've had a pecker

between my legs though.

Dr Doolittle will take him in.

I've taken an owl in,

I've taken, um, hedgehogs.

I've taken rabbits, dogs,

cats, tortoises.

Never had a fox. Never had a badger.

I've taken a lot, like.

There's a bit of a callous there on that wing.

I wonder whether he has broken his wing.

He's healing but he may struggle to be fully independent.

But it is certainly worth giving him the try, doing a staged release.

Sparta's newest and smallest client will recuperate

-until he's ready to be released back into the wild.

-He's called Percy.

-You have to be very careful with him.

-Percy!

-He's just a baby.

He's a baby and I'm trying to look after him.

Are you guys going to say goodbye to Sparta then?

-Say goodbye.

-See you later on. Take care of yourselves.

See you later, my mate. Top man.

Friday. Lunchtime.

Another local company have asked Sparta for assistance.

DONKEY BRAYS

Likes you!

I tried releasing the one in the bottom yesterday

but it won't take off as yet.

Kevin has run the Kays Hill Sanctuary for ten years

offering a home to sick and abandoned animals.

He is the most vicious raccoon going.

Watch your fingers, he will take them off.

As well as grumpy raccoons, Kevin has also been targeted by criminals.

I've had trouble with poachers in the past.

We have been broken into and had animals moved.

-I don't know who it is doing it but they are around.

-I love animals.

I'd be willing to help.

Maybe if you could think about the alarm just in case you are ever out.

But it is not Sparta's surveillance skills that Kevin needs to

solve the sanctuary's problems.

The fundraising isn't doing too well.

We're at a point where we turn away so many animals

but I can only do what I can do with the resources I've got.

-You need more money, is what you need.

-Great.

He desperately needs to raise funds to improve the facilities.

That is Shirley, an old goat.

Hello, Shirley. You need money for fences.

You can see the fences all need repairing.

Rachel wants to use some blue sky thinking to see how Sparta can help.

It's all right standing with a bucket in a supermarket or

whatever. Yeah, people do that every day. Do something different.

Do something shocking where people are going to think,

"Wow, that is funny, that's a good idea."

Hello, ginger. Hello, ginge.

Let's raise some money. This cat loves me.

I'll just hold this pussy between Rachel's legs.

The cat is the same colour as her feet.

..as my false tan!

Oh, yes, he is!

Francis is now turning his attention to catching

the people behind the factory break-in.

I've got some burglars who have gone on a site.

-I'm after some copper...

-Some bait.

-Yeah, some bait. Some meat.

I'm told you're the butcher.

You have to put something down like what looks authentic, aren't ya?

Some cable or something.

Copper wire is a popular target for thieves who try to sell

-it for cash to avoid detection.

-Would that entice them?

-Would they know what's in that?

-I would have thought so.

It is just a case of casting the line out, you have a maggot

in the water, right, and it is wiggling. And it is just time, sweetheart.

-Night has fallen.

-We're going fishing.

Francis and his maggots are going to work.

I'll roll a packet - psst! - into the water.

And just wait for the fish to come around.

Francis also hopes to establish what time the burglars are operating.

We have got a camera here,

I will tape it to a tree,

put a big load of tape around the tree.

The fish come along... These are piranha fish.

You have got to be on your toes.

Because what do piranha fish do?

What do they do?

They bite!

Just as Francis prepares the bait...

NOISE NEARBY

METAL CLANGS

He thinks he's hooked a piranha.

It seems that this fish has swum away.

This camera, do you put it there, do you put it there?

I don't want to lose that. I don't want it to get stolen, either.

Francis gets back to setting his trap.

That is how they get over.

This is where they get in and out.

It flashes. It's motion activated.

When they're jumping over the wall,

they're not going to be expecting to see the flash.

They are focused over here.

He's heading around here. He's smiling. He's unprovoked.

I'll be happy when I've caught them. So, when I come back tomorrow...

And see what the camera has picked up.

Rachel has come up with an idea to help raise money for the animal

sanctuary.

-Just have a seat a minute, Jim.

-By utilising the Spartan army.

We're doing a calendar to raise money for Kays Hill.

We're going to do a Sparta calendar instead of the Calendar Girls

calendar where we're all going to hold an animal

instead of how the ladies held flowers.

-Is it a fully nude calendar?

-Yeah, apart from the animal.

I can do a naked Jim as long as my manhood is covered.

All she needs to do now is sell it to the staff.

Bigger animals for bigger bits or smaller animals...

It depends how much you want to show off.

-You could have a little ginger cat.

-No!

Some are not so keen on baring all for the camera.

Think of all them poor little animals.

It's worth getting your kit off for, isn't it?

But as Rachel gives the shifts out...

Yeah, all right, then.

..it pays to be in her good books.

-Might have a handful!

-You're right, you might have to find a big cock, Mitch.

-That is what you have to do.

-OK!

-Just hold whatever.

Mitch said he's going to hold a big cock.

One Spartan warrior who has enlisted for the naked mission...

Three, two, one more.

-..is 24-year-old Phil...

-15.

..who has been working at the company for five months.

Think about looking like Magic Mike.

To make sure Phil looks the part on the day, Rachel is giving him

some personal fitness training.

We're going to get the guys in shape for this calendar.

And stop them looking like security guards and make them

look more like The Dreamboys.

Come on, it is time to get hard-core.

We have a calendar to make. And I need to have a little word with you.

Rachel also thinks his security guard diet has room for improvement.

I asked him to write me down what he ate, I thought he had written

a week's worth and I noticed it said on a workday this is what I eat.

Honest, I couldn't believe it.

Two vanilla slices, two chicken and barbecue pastry slices,

a packet of mozzarella cheese, Chicago pizza, Kit Kat, fudge cake

bar, two caramel squares, two egg and bacon sandwich fillers, wraps.

Three-inch slice of Viennetta ice cream,

one litre of black sugared coffee.

Beef and turkey sandwich,

and a tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream.

I mean, how did you find the time to fit all that in?

It was a 20-hour day, that. You had me working hard that day.

Even so, you must have eaten every ten minutes.

Where did you find the time to do any work in between all that

eating? That's what concerns me.

-You must have been...

-I'm efficient, though, and I?

Ten hours of eating! Come on.

You can do this. Come on. You're a Spartan.

Right, Phil. We've got another set of those.

There's still a few who are kind of avoiding me

and hemming and hawing about doing it.

They will be doing it.

Francis is trying to find the person responsible for disrupting

the local dance school.

We are looking for a lad, glasses and ginger hair.

He always bangs on the windows here. Ginger hair.

-I know a ginger guy, but he doesn't have glasses.

-Thanks, anyway.

All right. That's what we're looking for. The little ginger version.

He's got ginger hair, glasses. He looks like the Milky Bar Kid.

-Dunno.

-Cheers, buddy. Thank you.

I think some kids just seem to be like just walking about, chilling.

And then others are just out just to be little shits.

She might know. Ginger hair with glasses.

-ANSWER MUFFLED

-All right.

No, don't give up. Don't give up.

Lads, we're looking for a kid with glasses, ginger hair.

Who can give me a name?

Eventually...

Has he been home or not?

..Francis gets a lead.

-Is there a ginger-haired kid? I just want to speak with him, that's all, from the school.

-Um...

You don't know your neighbours, no?

-To be honest, I think they've gone.

-Oh, is it?

So, we've just knocked at the door of the suspect that we thought

he was going to be and the neighbour told me that, you know,

they weren't in.

So we just drive on and see if we pass Milky Bar boy on the way.

At Sparta HQ....

HE MAKES NONSENSE NOISE

..Percy's broken wing is on the mend.

Maximus is downstairs and Maximus can't come up here

when Percy's up here, cos he'll have her for his dinner.

She has to practice flying. Three, two, one - fly!

Francis hopes his feathered friend will soon be ready for a staged

release into the wild.

Good bird. Oh, yes, you are.

Under cover of darkness, Francis is checking up on his bait.

Some of it is gone. There's been people coming up here.

Due to a technical hitch, the only evidence captured by the camera

was pictures of a passing cat and blowing leaf.

Things have been cut.

They've taken the copper out of the wire,

so, to be honest, yeah, it's live.

It's been taken.

In the last five hours.

So, put a guard here.

Francis has lost a fiver's worth of copper

and is now doubly determined to catch the culprits.

It's the day of the naked calendar shoot to raise

funds for Kays Hill Animal Sanctuary.

-Right, I'm ready!

-HE LAUGHS

After Rachel's fitness Boot Camp, Phil is raring to go.

What a guy. What a man!

The fate of the sanctuary is in the hands of naked Spartans.

Two guards looking not so keen to bare all - Dirty Mick and Dean.

They've all give up their own time to come up here today

but then, they're Spartans. They WOULD be game.

-So you're up for it, then, dude?

-I don't know.

-Eh?

-No.

-Can you not be a bit more enthusiastic, you know?

When I go in there, I'm going to stand like this. Proud as anything!

Stand where I was.

Sparta plan to give away the calendars to help promote

the sanctuary and raise awareness of its cause.

The Spartan warriors was a tribe of people who had courage,

who were strong, who worked together.

What are you doing, hiding behind me?

For maximum exposure, they need eye-catching pictures.

People know what a Spartan warrior is. It's got some backbone to it.

-Can't do it.

-Are you better off with a guinea pig or something?

So you always get respect.

Thank you.

-You're getting security officers trained...

-Sorry.

-..in confrontation.

-She won't hurt you.

-Sparta are the boyos who do it.

Rachel doesn't have enough models for all 12 months.

-Which animal are you having, Kevin?

-Me? None.

But we haven't got enough people for the calendar, Kevin.

So her fitness protege, Phil, has more poses to strike.

-Shelley the goat.

-Shelley the goat.

And Shelley the goat gets her big moment.

It's looking at you there!

HE LAUGHS

Aw! Oh. Yeah, that's good.

Time for Rachel's close-up.

Oh, what's he want to come in and watch mine for?

CAT MEOWS

Francis turns director.

I can take my own clothes off, Francis!

One-handed, as well!

-Right, give us the cat.

-CAT MEOWS

Right, you have to be quick before the cat runs off.

-I didn't know what animal I'm going to have.

-What do you fancy?

I fancy a pussycat.

The cat doesn't want to play!

Finally...

Oh, boy!

Fearless and clothesless, Francis Jones.

I need a tan, to be honest, don't I?

Do you want to do one looking deadly serious?

How d'you look serious, when you're sat naked behind a dog?

The naked calendar shoot is a wrap.

Everyone seems to have enjoyed their selves.

Just got to wait and see what these pictures really look like now.

Rachel hopes the end product will help the sanctuary raise important funds.

The photos are OK and I think it will be a good calendar.

At the Dance Wright studio...

Drop, bun, bun, hair...

..Francis's local enquiries seem to have had the desired effect.

Francis come with his company.

He had a little cheeky word in the ears -

and give him his due, it worked. Straight away!

Milky Bar Kid goes past still, most of the time, he either puts his head down

or just carries on talking to his pals. Not a peep out of him.

And some of the kids that used to go past that were little buggers,

started coming in to the dance class.

I think they were probably just wanting to step through

but were too embarrassed or too shy or just thought, oh,

it's not cool and then they've come in and they've actually stayed,

so definitely done the trick here.

Five, six, seven and one and two and three, four...

Francis is preparing to try and catch the copper thieves red-handed.

There's not a chance that's getting on, like. It might go over my head.

Since his centrefold performance on the calendar shoot, Phil's been

promoted to the stakeout team.

Your collar's up and you're fly's undone.

THEY LAUGH

The burglar's been caught and we're not there.

You know, we just have to step up our game a little bit.

See if they rock up tonight.

I ask, "God, throw down some energy, God. Make us catch the burglars."

With Phil's help, Francis can cover the entry point from two angles

and lie in wait till the culprits appear.

Let's dance, baby.

Francis needs to school his new sidekick in the art

of the covert mission.

I don't want anybody to see me.

I want no-one to see me, like the Invisible Man.

Do you know what I'm saying? I want to be like the X-Man.

Or the Grey Man. Whatever his name is.

I think I'm sometimes on a different wavelength.

All good, though. It's all good.

The two-man team approach the site.

Some cheese for the mouse.

Bait at the ready.

That's the bait.

They stripped all that. OK?

So what we're going to do, we leave this in a place that they see.

Up against the white.

Francis can't afford to keep losing copper wire.

-There.

-Yeah.

This time, he needs a result.

OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

The team waits patiently.

It's being actively burgled at the moment.

So we're actually covertly looking out for burglars.

And obviously, we are in constant contact over the phone.

If we see or hear anything...

And before long...

..there's suspicious movement by the cabin.

Francis thinks he's got the culprit cornered.

Oh, it's a hedgehog. It's a hedgehog.

-Shame we didn't catch anybody.

-Well, you know, you can't get everything, do you know what I'm saying?

Obviously, you never know whether that hedgehog's been stripping the wire, though, do you?

Well, he could have been. I know what you're saying.

With no solid evidence, they release the suspect.

After a few failed stakeouts,

Francis and Phil are widening the hunt for the copper thieves.

On the left there, on the bike, he's looking at me.

You know he's a burglar. I'm telling you now.

And these are some burglars here. I'm going to put the lights on him.

How's it going, lads? Lads, are you burglars?

Are you burglars or not?

Despite being out late on a school night, these lads, just like the hedgehog, are not guilty.

Not burgling our sites, are they?

THEY LAUGH

At least partly thanks to Francis's efforts,

CFM haven't been burgled since.

At Sparta HQ, Francis is preparing for a bittersweet moment.

He's beautiful.

He loves animals a lot more than he loves people, without a doubt. He...

He's great at it.

She's my pal. Come on, Perce.

And it's certainly Francis' softer side.

It may be a side that maybe people don't see but it's a real kindness.

You get ready to fly.

He flies. He flies - whoof! He's off.

And so I'm thinking he don't want to stay no more.

So this is at the back of our office on the North Road

and you can fly away, baby, yeah, you can.

You're going to go now, son. All right? Have you enjoyed yourself?

I know you have. I've enjoyed having you.

All his life, a long life, Jesus named me as his servant.

Good girl! Good girl!

Oh, he's over the moon. Oh, he's over the moon.

I'll look for him every day, like, when I come down here.

People say they're rats with wings.

I know some people who are rats without wings!

Cos we're worse 100% than a bird.

We eat everything, we kill everything, it's always our way.

If there was a yellow man come down to earth,

or a green man, we'd kill him as well.

See you later, Perce.

Next time...

Come sit on Santa's knee.

In Darlow, it's Crimbo.

I'm waiting for my employee to rock up.

The race is on to be named Sparta's finest employee.

I've won it already!

They're burning all the trees down.

And faced with a mysterious vandal...

Why? I just do not know.

..Francis brings in a familiar face to help.

Well, that's good. He's not even fucking in!

How good is that?

HE LAUGHS