Episode 1 Derek's Dreaming Again

Meet Derek Thornton.

I'm an international sod buster.

That's what they call a pure farmer down here in County Fermanagh.

You have to be an eejit to be a farmer, in my opinion.

Holidays? When would I get time to go on holidays and have to feed all them cattle? Hey!

I'm sweeping and cleaning

and, if I'm not feeding the cattle, I'm feeding the sheep.

-If I'm not feeding the sheep, I'm feeding the cattle, it's the same

-BLEEP

-every day.

I'm going to quit the game, it's robbing me, I'm robbed!

Do you know, I should have done more with my life.

I'm always dreaming about things I should have done.

One of Derek's dreams is about to become his worst nightmare.

MUSIC: "Song 2" by Blur

# Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! #

When Daddy told me he wanted to go and do a skydive,

I honestly couldn't believe it, right?

He's the kind of person who, you know, has to hold onto the handrail going up a flight of stairs, right?

Skydiving was the furthest thing from Derek's mind as he tended to the newborn lambs.

Overhead a small plane was circling,

but Derek hadn't noticed.

Baaah!

Baaah!

That's me trying to call Mammy back to the...second lamb.

There you are now. Baaah!

13,000 feet above Derek's woolly hat,

a man was about to jump out of a plane.

Skydiver Peter Breen was on his way to offer Derek a high-octane dream.

Derek thought Peter had been blown off course.

Oh, he's down.

Hey, boss, where did you come from?

I've come here to teach you to skydive, Derek.

No, I'll not be skydiving.

I'm telling you.

Look it, I wouldn't get up on the fourth rung of a ladder,

and what height would you be skydiving at?

13,000 feet.

That's near heaven.

Two miles high.

We're going to freefall for about a minute of your life.

-Not a word about it.

-Then we'll fly the parachute to the ground, it's going to be fantastic.

What'll happen if it wouldn't open?

We always have a reserve.

-I...

-If that doesn't open... say your prayers, then.

Well, wait till I tell you, I'll have to get a word with our lassie

to see would she let me, because she might not want it open!

Do you think she loves you?

Oh, she loves me, she might want to get rid of me.

Well, let's give it a go, anyway.

-I'll have to ask her first.

-OK.

The auld lassie said yes, so next stop was Manchester.

# Whoo-hoo!

# Whoo-hoo!

# Whoo-hoo!

The boys at home think I'm an eejit to be at this carry-on, I can assure you.

-Are you a first-time flyer?

-Yes, sir.

-Are you scared?

-I am.

-You should be.

Because I'll tell you why, I've been doing several wee bits of jobs,

but I never was blew at 150 miles an hour yet!

I want you to imagine these are a pair of legs.

If I show you this signal, straighten your legs.

This one, any guesses?

-No.

-Bend your legs.

-Bend your legs, OK.

When I show you those signals, do it slowly.

Kick your legs out fast and bend your legs fast,

you'll move around fast and I'll be peeling you off the windows. This one, chin up.

OK, body position.

Are you only that height off the ground?

-Say that again.

-Are you only that height off the ground?

A bit higher, hopefully. We'll let you go all the way to the top.

Will you have a rope on me?

No, no ropes.

At my age, will I be all right up on this?

You're not the oldest person I've had. 95 is the oldest person I've flown.

-My goodness. That's me legs bent, that means.

-That's right.

-That's my legs straight.

-Correct, yeah.

If my legs is up like that, what happens?

-Is that bent too much?

-That's not too much.

Do you know I'm 16 stone, hey? Will you be able to help me down?

I've flown a lot heavier than you. Don't you worry about that. You'll be grand.

You've the life scared out of me, hey!

First, Adrian gives Derek a demonstration.

# I'm spinning around

# Move out of my way

# I know you're feeling me cos you like it like this

# I'm breaking it down

# I'm not the same

# I know you're feeling me cos you like it like

# I'm spinning around

# Spinning around... #

Now it's Derek's turn.

# Clearing this house of some joy that I borrowed

# Back in the day

# Threw away my old clothes

# Got myself a better wardrobe

# I got something to say

# I'm through with the past

# Ain't no point in looking back

# The future will be

# And did I forget to mention...

(LAUGHS)

# I'm spinning around

# Move out of my way

# I know you're feeling me...

Now the fun begins.

# I'm breaking it down

# I'm not the same

# I know you're feeling me cos you like it like

# I'm spinning around

# Move out of my way

# I know you're feeling me cos you like it like this

# I'm breaking it down... #

Enjoying it, Derek?

# I know you're feeling me

# Cos you like it like this

# Baby, baby, baby

# You know you like it like this... #

16 stone and soon to be as light as a feather.

# You know you like it like this

# Baby, baby, baby... #

The airbag's causing lift-off problems.

# Baby, baby, baby

# You know you like it like this

# The mistakes that I made

# Givin' me the strength

# To really believe

# And no matter how I take it

# There's no way I'm gonna fake it

# Cos it's gotta be real

# I've got nothin' left to hide

# No reason left to fight

# Cos the truth's given me

# A new freedom inside

# Gettin' rid of my desire

# Do you like what you see... #

Boy, that was badly needed, that was hairy in there,

so it was, I'll tell you.

I suppose it's a great introduction to starting to do a bit of skydiving,

out there and in there, at 140mph I seen the wind was blowing there.

Sure, look at the state of me hair and all,

if it was loose on me I'd be bald in there, I'll tell you.

The boy, the instructor man was great,

there was no doubt about it, he was prompting me and giving me

these here and up and down, and the life was out of me,

I didn't half know what he was doing till I got on to him,

the next thing I looked and I was up at the roof,

he had a hold of me up at the roof, and I had quite a hold on him,

you'd think I was doing a rugby tackle, I had him like this.

I swear, there's a big black lump on my arm there,

so there is, but it was grand.

I'll say it was definitely worth the travelling to do

and I'm ready for the parachute jumping now.

And I will have it done next week.

-Hey, Derek.

-Peter, here you are.

-How's it going, man?

Not that well, look at it. Is that all the size of a pram we're going to get up on?

-This is it, what do you think?

-I don't think that much of her.

I'm delighted to see you, that's fantastic.

-You're all set to learn to skydive?

-I don't know,

-but when we're here we'll give it a go.

-Let's get started.

You've come to the end of your free fall,

you've thrown out your pilot chute, you must count 1,000, 2,000,

3,000, 4,000, check canopy - check your parachute, in other words.

You must wait that four seconds.

If you look up after two seconds, it's going to be half open,

and it's going to look like your clothes basket at home, all in a jumble,

and that is only because it needs the three or four seconds to open.

-OK?

-But when you talk about that 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000,

I'm out of the plane at that stage?

No, this is at the end of your free fall.

Aye, but I have fell out?

When I'm falling, then it's 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000,

check canopy - the parachute is open at that stage?

I have pulled her?

OK, we check the canopy by saying, is it there, is it square,

-if there's no twists, is it steerable?

-Right.

"Is it there" means, has the parachute actually opened?

So, you look up, if there's no parachute,

you have a problem, it's a malfunction.

If it has opened, the next question is, is it square?

That means, is it the right shape?

If it's kind of square looking, it's the right shape, it's good.

if it looks in a mush, it's a malfunction.

So they're the three checks -

is it there, is it square, is it steerable?

Will you say that for me?

Is it there, is it square, is it steerable?

Is it there, is it square, is it steerable?

Is it there, is it square, is it steerable?

I've that in the disk now, Peter.

I've a few pictures here of parachutes and I want you to tell me

whether you think it's a good parachute or a bad parachute. OK?

Have a look at that.

That's it twisted.

Yes. And?

It's not out enough.

Exactly right, yes.

It's a bad parachute.

That'd bring you down all the same?

It'd bring you down... six feet under.

-How about that one?

-Let me get a look at that one.

That one would be...

That one's not right either.

Exactly, not good.

That's all you have to... Look up, is it good or not good? Not good.

What about that?

That one's twisted as well.

Twisted?

Yeah.

Now, if after two seconds, you saw that, how would it be?

You'd be...you'd be trying to get it out of the twist.

If you can imagine, if you only went, "1,000, 2,000..."

-and you looked up, you might see that, it's not fully open.

-Right.

-That's why we need to count to four - 1,000, 2,000...

-3,000, 4,000.

If after 4,000 you saw that, malfunction.

-You'd be going for the spare one.

-You'd be going for the spare one.

-What do you think of that?

-That one's a good one.

Absolutely, you knew straight away.

-Has anybody died in this job?

-Thankfully, no.

-I don't want to be the first.

-Absolutely, you won't be the first.

# Does that make me crazy?

# Does that make me crazy... #

Derek needs to work on his balance.

# Does that make me crazy?

# Probably... #

One last spin and it's back to the classroom.

Come on over here.

This here is a simulated set-up to teach you how to handle

a malfunctioning canopy.

So this is your cut-away handle, and this is your reserve handle.

When you pull this one, it disconnects you from the malfunctioning parachute.

So, you go back into freefall, you pull this one,

and it opens the reserve.

-Are you sure it'll open the reserve?

-It certainly will.

-Right, I'm going to teach you the drill.

-Right.

So, look down at the handles, locate them, put your hands on them.

Peel up on the right, punch down, and pull.

It's simple as that, it's look, locate, peel, punch, pull, OK?

It's as simple as that.

Supposing I froze now,

when the malfunction had come, and I don't do this,

what happens?

If you freeze, Derek, and do nothing, you'll die.

We need to separate the two actions.

If you open your reserve before you cut away, what will happen is

your reserve will open up into the malfunction, then you're really in trouble.

OK, Derek, now you've learned the drill, this is a harness

like the one you'll be connected to your parachute for real.

So, I want you to climb up on the chair here and get into the harness.

-Is that the only way of climbing?

-That's it for this one.

Stand up here, good man.

Put your right leg through this one. Unless you want to go head down.

-Is it me leg I've to put in there?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Hang on a minute, Pete, what about the little lads?

-We'll make sure the...

-The Crown Jewels.

..the Crown Jewels are looked after.

Where are we now?

-Are you planning on any more babies?

-I never had a baby.

Well, now you've nothing to worry about.

We'll do your chest strap now. We don't want you falling out.

Are you sure that this is safe, this thing?

This whole parachuting jump?

Oh, yeah.

Is the wee lad OK there?

The wee lad's grand, don't you worry about him.

He could jump out and break your arm, he's not that wee!

I don't want that to happen, anyway.

Remember what we said, malfunctions are very rare, but you really need to know how to handle them,

because it could happen on your first jump, OK?

So, let's go, just put your weight gently into the harness,

and I'll take the chair away.

OK, hands up.

Higher.

Malfunction!

Look, locate, peel, punch, pull.

That's pretty good, but I didn't see you peel, so I want you to peel.

You have to really peel.

Malfunction!

Look, locate, peel, punch...

-pull, but I done it wrong.

-You did.

-But I got there.

-You've just killed yourself.

-I haven't, I'm still here...

-You did, you had the left hand out first.

-You've just opened your reserve into your malfunction.

-Oh.

-So, not good, OK?

-Better luck next time.

-I'll be alive for the next time!

-If there is a next time!

Take BEEP, that's no too BEEP...

Malfunction!

Look, locate, peel, punch, pull!

Better, but remember it's peel up, use your thumb as a hinge.

Now way out of his comfort zone,

Derek is beginning to realise that a solo unassisted jump may be beyond him.

Malfunction!

Look, locate, peel, punch, pull.

Perfect! Well done.

Lovely.

Malfunction!

Look, locate, peel, punch, pull!

Brilliant, fantastic, well done.

You've saved your life.

So, you see how the stress increases?

If that was a line-over malfunction, it would be tossing you around,

so you need to do it just as you did.

Under stress the drill doesn't change. Well done, man.

Stand up.

Now, that's it all?

No, we'll do it again.

-Well worth it, spending a bit of time here.

-Absolutely.

Be longer on earth than in heaven.

This is the difference between whether you go home to Lillian or not. OK.

WHISPERS: Not too fast.

Malfunctioned!

Look, locate, peel, punch, pull!

Whoa! Fantastic!

Well done, man.

What did you think of that?

That's easier on the Gendarmes!

Good man.

It's time for a message home to Mother.

Hello, Mother.

I'm getting ready for the big jump tomorrow.

I've put in two days' practice,

I'm ready for the 14,000ft jump tomorrow.

And in my head it is - is it square, is it there, is it steerable?

It's look, pull, punch, they were swishing me about,

and me Crown Jewels'll give you no trouble when I get home!

Good night, Mother.

OK, Derek, we've the training all done, so go in there in that room

and get a jumpsuit on, and I'll see you when you're back out.

I'll see you when I have it on.

What do you think, Peter?

The boys at home will think I'm the right bollocks in this suit, hey?

I think you got that off the wrong rail, Derek.

I meant one of the blue suits.

That's the one you sent me for.

Batman, hey?

-Go on in there and change that.

-Will this one not do?

It will if you want to go to Kerry in it, yeah!

I'll tell you what I'll do with that, Peter,

I'll bring that home to the old lassie, I'll get her

to cut a foot off, run it round on the Singer sewing machine.

The cows will not know what to make of me if I bring it home.

It keeps my airbag in, too, look.

Like a pair of corsets!

Looking good, looking good.

All the way up.

And then slip it on like a jacket.

-That's far too small, Peter.

-I'll make it the right size for you.

It's only for a cub, that's not for a man, hey.

Hey, Peter, you're tightening that up far too much!

You must be going to take the leg off me

or what the hell are you going to do?

Fire away now. We're nearly there.

Left leg.

That's perfect. Really good.

How long will it take us to get up there, Peter?

We'll come down a lot quicker than we went up.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely!

It's time to prepare a tandem parachute.

A wee, light lassie like you is not a bother.

If I was on it, the air would've gone out of it.

Thanks very much!

-Do you ever make any mistakes?

-I try not to.

You'd better not! Do a wee bit extra time on that for me

if that's the one I'm going to use.

What's so special about you.

Look at the size of me!

Do you know what you'll do now, Catherine?

Take them knee pads off and give them to me for I'll have corns on my knees praying

and I'll need them to get up there!

You'll be fine, dude!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Enjoy your jump, now.

-BLEEP.

-That's a weight.

-Four stone.

-Four stone.

Four stone? That's 20 stone now I am.

Let's go and sky dive!

MUSIC: "Speed Of Sound" by Coldplay

I'm not intrigued with this carry-on. But we'll go, I've no other option.

First, our cameramen get out to capture the big moment.

13,000 feet up, it's a long way down.

Derek's having second thoughts.

The cameramen are called back inside.

Derek's close to quitting the jump altogether,

but the crew try to reassure him.

Back in position for the jump, the door opens again.

Derek's nudged to the opening, firmly strapped to Peter.

This is it, Derek -

your dream come true.

# Woo hoo!

# Woo hoo!

# Woo hoo!

# Woo hoo!

# I got my head checked

# By a jumbo jet

# It wasn't easy

# But nothing is

# Woo hoo!

# And I feel heavy metal

# Woo hoo!

# And I'm pins and I'm needles

# Woo hoo!

# Well I lie and I'm easy

# All of the time I am never sure

# Why I need you

# Pleased to meet you. #

Woo hoo!

BLEEP

Woo hoo!

HE LAUGHS

That's a relief.

-Are you sure we're all right?

-Yes, we're all right.

Sit back and enjoy the ride, Derek.

-Peter!

-Yeah?

-You're the real saint.

OK?

DEREK RETCHES

Fantastic!

A little bit reluctant, but then absolutely amazing.

The life was scared out of me.

If you were up there and she was going like that there and I...

There I was and the boys was egging me on.

He pushed me. That's the only reason I went.

If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have went.

-We went together.

-But you were tied to me!

I was the only one sitting, you were hanging outside. You went, I went.

Going and going and going and going and then the next thing, bang!

The brakes went on.

That's when the parachute went up.

The life was scared out of me, boys.

Woo hoo!

# A moment like this

# Some people search forever

# For that one special kiss

# I can't believe it's happening to me

-Peter?

-Yeah.

-Aren't you the real saint?

It's the hairiest thing I have done - ever.

# For a moment like this. #

The time the pope came to Ireland, he kissed the ground

and I'm going to kiss it again!

LAUGHTER

Well, you're brave man.

-Well done. Fantastic.

-I'm telling ya...

Next time on Derek's Dreaming Again.

I believe you want to fit me out with boots.

I got me toenails cut. They were like a pet donkey before.

They were three inches long.

You see? Perfect.

Push your heels out, Derek! Push your heels out!

Make a snowplough!

BLEEP.

Swallowed my voice!

THEY YODEL

You'd want about ten drinks with that carry-on,

keep your throat from getting dry!

The amount of times I've been on my arse today.

BLEEP

HE GROANS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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