Episode 2 Derek's Dreaming Again

Baa!

Meet Derek Thornton.

The poor old sod-buster.

That's what I am. And I mean a poor old sod-buster.

I'm both old and poor.

I keep myself busy, that's what keeps you happy.

You don't have time to get compressed or depressed or whatever.

Sure I have no money. Will you quit?

You are always on about the money, the farmers.

Wait till I tell you, they even keep their baler twine for a firelighter.

That's how the times is bad.

Well, what about a 1,000 mile dream trip, Derek?

Push your heels out, Derek. Push your heels out, make a snow plough.

BLEEP!

I near swallowed me false teeth!

First thing I thought about when I heard he was going skiing,

I thought, "Well, has he phoned the Farmers Union?"

Because he needs insurance.

Snow-filled clouds hang over Fermanagh

as our international sod-buster tends his cattle.

It is a hard slog, but the cows need feeding.

This is difficult now. I'm slipping and sliding about on me posterior,

for the want of a better word.

When I was a wee lad I went down on a sheet of tin,

but it turned up on the front

and that was the end of me, I landed out in the loch - nearly got drowned.

That was me and the skiing.

I have seen them on the television with them big fancy suits on them,

but I don't think it would fit me, even.

Apres-skiing? Is that what you call after-dinner skiing? I have heard about it.

You ski for 15 minutes or so and then you go down to the pub.

That would suit me now, that would suit me.

As long as we would go twice a day.

The Winter Olympics are on the telly in Derek's good room,

but Derek's more interested in the mart prices.

Put the paper down and watch it.

I'll tell you what'll happen,

he will come a cropper there, he'll fall off. Look, look, look.

-He's doing well now.

-'Which side of the clock will Svindal be?

'Goodness me! Svindal taking every sort of risk to lead in Whistler.

'Svindal in gold medal position...'

The tension was...overpowering.

Derek. Derek, I'm Andrew.

We're in Austria and I'm going to teach you how to ski.

Do you think I could try that apres-skiing?

-Where are we going now?

-We are going to get your boots and skis, Derek.

-Are you sure you will have them all in here?

-Yes, of course.

-Good morning.

-Morning. I'm Derek.

-I'm Oliver. Nice to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.

-I believe you're going to fit me out with a pair of boots.

-No problem.

-And props.

-Ski sticks, everything.

Anything that will keep me from falling on my arse!

THEY LAUGH

And now, stand up. That's fine.

Would I need skis at all or boots? Look at the size of them planks.

Oh, my God.

Back.

I want a wee bit of room, you know.

It is a bit of room here, it is fine. It looks good.

I got me toenails cut, they were like a pet donkey before I came out here. They were about three inches long.

It is a good thing. I will give you the boots now.

I think we need a boot for big calves.

What do you mean by big calves?

It opens very wide and it should fit you.

OK, so now.

When do we get a look at them planks?

They have everything for walking and skiing, it's most important thing when you do the apres-ski and stuff.

-There is no brake on them. Where is the apres-ski?

-This is the apres-ski position.

And you can move better and you can stay up better.

OK. Let's start, huh?

OK, let's get in here.

This one here...

OK. Now we have to move out all this stuff here.

-Wait a wee minute, boss, that's too tight.

-Too tight?

You see my toe would wear a hole in it there.

-I'm telling you.

-What the hell is this here? My friend, what's this?

That's my white long johns.

Nice white long johns.

Brand new! They'll not be as white when I'm coming off the mountain,

I'll tell you if you take a look at the arse of them!

-How is this?

-Oh, far too tight, I would wear a hole in that, I'm telling you.

-That's far too small.

-Too small?

-Yeah.

This is one size bigger. Much better.

-You think they're much better?

-I hope so.

So this is good.

-It feels better, eh?

-OK.

-I can lift...

-BLEEP.

OK, the next thing what we are going to do is, we have to take the shoes off.

I'll tell you what you do, boss, I'll put them boots back on again and you can keep them ones.

-Perfect, your boots.

-Now, Oliver...

Now we have to fit you with skis now. How good do you ski?

-I never skied in my life.

-So you are a beginner beginner.

A really beginner.

Derek, D-E-R-E-K.

T-H-O-R-N-T-O-N.

It looks good. Let me see.

Perfect.

What's that helmet really to keep the sawdust from coming out?

This helps you falling over.

Oliver, my instructor says I'm not going to crash.

Andrew over here says

he's not going to crash and he's not going to let me.

I think you are not crashing,

but maybe somebody is crashing in you, you know?

-Now you're telling me!

-I have to give you some poles to hold on.

-What?

-Sticks. Sticks. The most important thing - sticks.

-Handle.

-Which way do you hold it that way or that way?

When do you it in right, you put underneath, you go like this and that's it.

It's the right size. No, no, no...

That's wrong. From the bottom.

From the bottom.

Now like this. That's perfect.

-You're not going to get them back, Oliver.

-Why?

Them will be very useful for working at the cattle at home.

I could give an odd beast a whack with one of them, get them out of me road.

Or if anybody came in to annoy you, give them a whack with them Is them strong?

Yes, they are very strong.

They wouldn't bend. Is that all now, Oliver?

All done. Skis, boots are fitted tightly to ski, you know.

I'll tell what you'll do now, boss.

-You hang that up till Friday.

-Yes.

-Hang it up.

If you know what I mean? You are getting no money until Friday.

-Back home, I say, "Hang it up. I'll pay you once a month." Or maybe I would never pay.

-OK.

-If I'm alive, I will bring them back to you and if I am not alive, you can do without them!

-OK.

# I remember when

# I remember I remember when I lost my mind... #

You don't want to be drunk to be at this carry on.

Not so good to be drunk when you ski.

That's it.

Beautiful.

You are going to be a natural, Derek.

You would want the Duracell into you to jump like that, a Duracell bunny.

I'd want jump leads, never mind batteries!

Again.

All right.

Good.

-OK.

-I tell you that would tame elephant or lions.

Lions and elephants. Are we ready to go again, darling?

Go on another date, darling, yes.

Derek's new best pal is offering vital support.

Farmers can talk what they like about me holding hands with a bloke.

If they were up there, they'd be damn glad to get somebody to hold them, instead of going on their arse.

I'm telling you. Sure most of the boys - wait until I tell you -

they'd be on their arse every two minutes,

they would never get off it and some of them may have corns on their knees praying to get home.

-I'm away again now!

-Here we go.

That's it now. Stand on both legs.

Don't sit down!

-What are you doing down there?

-I'm on me arse again. I'm halfway down.

Give us a lift up and I'll go down.

You ready to go? That's it. Stay in the middle.

-Put a bit on that left leg.

-Oh, on the left leg!

Watch out for the camera, Derek!

I nearly had you there, boss, I can assure you.

You nearly got run over.

Ay, ay, ay!

BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!

-Oof!

-BLEEP!

I will soon be married to you. I'm lying that tight to you.

-We're getting closer after only a couple of days.

-A couple of hours.

Don't give up on the way down, OK?

That's it, good. Stay like that, stay like that. Don't sit down.

Don't sit down!

That's better, Derek.

Yeah! There we go.

-I can't steer the...

-That will come later.

We're not steering them now, we're just going straight.

Stand up, stand up!

Yeah! Got it.

Try and go straight, try and go straight.

-HE LAUGHS

-BLEEP!

-Ah, that's OK. Derek, are you OK?

-BLEEP!

-How do you get off these now?

I'll give you a hand this time, OK?

At the end of the first day, Andrew,

I...thought it would be just simple, jump up on them and get away.

But I'll tell you one thing, I've sweated like a pig.

I'm sweating like a pig and the backs of me legs are sore.

If you were young it would be all right,

but like for an old lad like me, you know,

-it's all in the craic, a bit of fun.

-Exactly.

THEY PLAY THE ALPHORN

That evening, Derek is invited to listen to some traditional music.

DEREK TRIES TO PLAY

Derek, perhaps you should stick to skiing.

THEY LAUGH

-I'm blowing too hard, am I?

-This is good.

-Am I blowing too hard?

-No, it's OK.

-You were singing.

-I'm singing?

You were singing, not blowing.

-Well, what way...

-You just press your lips together.

DEREK MAKES FEEBLE SOUNDS

Any chance of a job, Karen?

Sorry, Derek, I don't think so.

You need more practice.

Maybe he'd be better at yodelling...

HE YODELS

DEREK YODELS BADLY

We'll take that as a no then.

Now, here is what I could tell you, listen to this one.

# I went across to Switzerland to yodel-oh-dee

TEACHER TRIES TO JOIN IN # To learn how to yodel with my yodel-oh-dee!

# I climbed a big high mountain

# On a cold and frosty night

# And this is how my yodelling Yodel-oh-dee!

# Yodel-oh-dee, yodel-oh-dee! Yodel-oh-dee!

# I climbed a big high mountain and this is how my

# Yodel-oh-dee, yodel-oh-dee! Yodel-oh-dee. #

You'd want about ten half ones in you to be at that carry on, to keep your throat from getting dry!

I'm telling you. We'll get that later on.

Do you take small drop?

THEY LAUGH

Some snow, boys, eh?

So you see, Derek, with the fresh snowfall,

the snow is sticking to the bottom of my ski a little bit,

which means the ski won't slide very good.

So with a bit of wax on, it will run nice and smooth.

And there to help speed up Derek's performance

is Olympic downhill skier, Niki Furstauer.

Do you not think I'm going fast enough without putting wax on it?

I will put some downhill wax on now.

-Would you not put some uphill on it? It'd be far handier.

-No, no.

That will make it slippy, will it?

-That stuff.

-Very slippy.

-Eh?

-Fast.

I don't want to go fast.

I tell him he should have left well enough alone.

Do you know what you will do now, boss? Put a bit on my arse, eh?

I will be able to slide quicker.

We worked on the snow plough yesterday

and we're going to carry on from that today,

so using the brakes, and hopefully we will get to start with the turning as well.

So going left and right.

Oh.

-That one was a little bit straighter.

-The power-steering was bad there.

We're going to top the fluid up.

Whatever you say, right.

-You know what it is taking them sticks away?

-What?

It is like taking a dummy from a child. That's the truth.

-So make a snow plough for me.

-Right.

Press down on the right leg. Push, push, push, push...

Yes, that was a much better shape, OK?

Stay in the snow plough. Go on, push your right hand down.

Down, down, down, down. Good.

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

And so is Christmas coming!

That's it. Keep pushing the left. Keep pushing your hand down, down, down.

Not too bad getting round.

OK, Derek, put the hammer down now.

-Let the throttle off? Let the handbrake off now?

-Yes.

Not good enough now.

-Well you see that black run up there, would you come down that?

-Sure.

How long, Niki, would it be before I could come down the black run?

I would say a couple of more days.

I would say two or three years.

Do you think it's a mission impossible?

-There is nothing impossible.

-We'll see.

-BLEEP!

-That's how far I got this time.

On me arse this time altogether.

I just don't know what went wrong.

I couldn't get round the corner.

I just... He said to put me foot down, but...

I might not have been going quick enough.

That's it. Come on, keep pushing the left. Keep pushing your hand down, down, down...

-Not too bad.

-Getting round.

That was a better one. Look, we nearly made it this time.

You see last time, you were over there, this time, we're in this gap.

The next time we'll be out through that gate. That's for sure!

Straight into the bar for some special soup.

What do you call that stuff yous do after the skiing?

-Apro-skiing?

-Apres-ski.

How long does it last for?

As long as you want.

-As long as the money lasts, I suppose.

-Yes!

Like most drinking I think.

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE

Derek took the weight off his aching legs with a sleigh ride in the mountains.

So, Derek, I have an idea.

Would you like to try it?

Oh, no problem. Will I be able?

Are you sure I would be able to?

-I will give you instruction and then you can try it.

-Right. OK?

We're on a flat bit of ground.

Let's change places.

I'll get out, I'll go round.

-You go around?

-I will go round the back.

I'll go round the back.

Will them horses understand English, will they?

Yeah. They don't know it, but..

When you would like to go, you make this.

When the horse is too fast, you pull.

And when you would like on the left side, pull left

and right, pull the right side. It is very easy.

Simple. Come on, girls, come on, girls.

Up you go, girls.

Easy, girls, now.

Easy. Hold it now, girls. Easy!

Good girls. Good girls. Easy, girls.

-This is always a problem.

-Two girls is a problem!

-Two girls.

-Easy, ladies.

And while the horses got their dinner, Derek was served up a traditional dish.

Say that again.

-This is Kasnocken.

-Right.

I never heard tell of it. Is it edible?

-It is small dumplings with home-made cheese.

-Right.

-Do you make the cheese yourself?

-Yes.

-Will we try it?

-Yes.

I'm ready for it, hey.

I could eat a horse between two mattresses.

-Not bad, not bad.

-It's good?

Yeah. We'll never eat all that pan ourselves.

You better get into it yourself. Come on.

You have been out all day like meself. Bait it into you.

I think it's enough for us.

More than enough. More than enough.

I'll get the old lassie to make that at home when I go home. The wife.

That's the wife, the old lassie.

Oh!

We're going to try some snowboarding. It's quite popular with the teenagers.

-It's more laid back than skiing.

-Would ever I get hurt at that?

-No, Derek, I'm going to look after you.

-Don't worry, we'll take it nice and easy.

-I hope so.

First, clench your fists and bring your forearms up.

Go down to your knees

and then get down onto your arms. Good.

That would be grand useful if you were coming out of the pub, eh?

How many times will I be on my arse today?

Well that all depends on you, Derek. I think we'll be fine though. We're going to take it nice and easy.

Whatever you say, boss. Now, give us a hand up, would you? Don't leave the old lad on the floor.

Once you are in now.

-BLEEP

-I am away already.

Oooh.

That's it. Try and stop.

Put your foot in.

-Oh!

-BLEEP!

-Aah!

Good man, Derek. How did that go?

That went the best. But that sport's not for an old heavy farmer like me falling and tumbling.

-You see more old people skiing.

-That's very true.

-You see the wee kiddies there, they can fly on that.

You see they have no fear.

I'm going to love this.

These huge track machines keep the slopes in good shape

and Derek got a chance to help out.

The sod-buster from Derrylin

took to it like he had been doing it all his life.

She's spinning a bit now.

-You said it was a 330 horsepower.

-Yes.

Back home we would say that's 299 horses and one donkey!

Derek wondered what the boys back home would make of it.

They'd take the queer look when I would drive that into the mart.

They'd take out the mobile phone and everyone would take a picture of it.

I'm a good man for a deal, but I couldn't sell this at home. Nobody has enough powder to buy this.

Now, sure I am away.

Push your heels out, Derek.

Push your heels out. Make a snow plough.

BLEEP.

BLEEP.

BLEEP. BLEEP.

Is anything broken, Derek?

Me, me, me... Me heart is broken!

-We broke your heart with that one, did we?

-I near swallowed me false teeth.

Big brakes. Big brakes.

Whoa!

Hopefully not BIG brakes.

-Pull that right leg a bit more, Derek. Whoa.

-BLEEP.

But it wasn't Derek's best day skiing.

It's going middling, but it's going.

We're getting there. Falling and rising and falling.

Brakes on, buddy. Brakes on.

I'm down again.

Stand down, come on. Push... Oh!

Ooh.

It is the pains and aches in me legs, they are the worst.

The boy tells me they'll mend after a day or two,

I don't think they'll mend.

I don't think they'll mend.

Me nose is running a bit with the change in temperature,

but I think I have got too much clothes on me.

-That's easily sorted.

-Hello, Derek.

Hello, gorgeous. How are you?

And enjoy.

That's lovely.

# A moment like this

# Some people wait a lifetime

# For a moment like this... #

It was a time for a message home to Mother.

Hello, Mother.

I had another hard day on the slopes

and the boys brought me in for a massage

and as you know, I never wouldn't spend the money on that

and it's lovely and she's good-looking, but I wouldn't part you for her.

Goodnight.

I'm going up to the top

about 14,000 foot up.

I'm going to come down in four or five minutes, 60mph.

-That's the boy, Derek.

-Sit down.

There we are, job done. Now, enjoy the ride.

Come on, darling. Let's do it for the first time.

-Take the first dance.

-Woo-hoo! Woo!

How's it going, Derek?

Doing fine.

Heading up further into the mountains,

Derek is coping well with the chairlifts,

but the drag lift could be tricky.

Derek, the bar is going to come around.

The attendant is going to pass it to you.

-You want it just under your...

-Arse.

-Your bum!

-Your bum, whatever!

Take a hold of it with your hand and what's really important, don't sit down.

It drags you up. It won't carry you up, OK?

That could do you a bit of an injury, that, I would say.

If you got it in the wrong place.

You wouldn't want to throw your leg on that!

Holding on for my dear life. I'm holding tight.

Oh, never again!

The ribs is pulled out of me and the arm is pulled out of me.

That's the first and last time. Never again.

Never. Don't you ever bring me up that again.

You are at the highest point. You are 2,100 metres up in the Austrian alps. It's beautiful, isn't it?

It's beautiful. That's a fantastic view. I never was as high up in my life before.

Is this the black run you were talking about?

That's the way to the black run. That's the most difficult slope in the resort.

-That's where I'm going.

-Derek, don't do it!

-I'm away! Good luck to yous!

Niki, can I have my coat back? Come on, give it to me.

-Do you want to sell it?

-No, I'm going to keep it. I'll want it next year.

-OK. You can have it.

I'll want it next year.

-What do you think of my new belly?

-Ah, never mind your belly. That's your airbag.

Well, this was it.

Could Derek fulfil his dream and ski down the slopes himself?

BLEEP.

BLEEP. BLEEP. BLEEP.

Bless him. He did his best.

45mph I would say I was doing, at least 45mph.

But I'll tell you something for nothing, it's hard on your legs.

-BLEEP.

-I'm gone.

But I thought that going up on that lift was harder on your legs,

but nothing to coming down that hill.

Didn't I come off the highest mountain in Austria? It's an achievement.

It's great to get it done. But in five days trying it, but it didn't defeat us.

Wait until I tell you, do you see learning to ski? It would tame lions.

It would tame lions, I'm telling you!

There will be no more dreams for a wee while until I get me energy back.

I will come back next year, if it is only for the craic.

That apro-skiing is the best skiing of the whole lot.

THEY CHANT: Go, go, go, go!

ALL: Whoa!

Next time on Derek's Dreaming Again.

-I'm looking for Dave.

-That's me. You must be Derek.

-I'm Derek, what's left of me.

-This is home for the week.

-Are you going to teach me how to sail this yoke?

-This yacht.

-Oh, yes.

I haven't a bloody notion where I am. I might as well be in Bundoran.

-Oh.

-BLEEP.

She has gone on this time, boys, this time now. If you're acting now.

-BLEEP.

-Would you just have a bit of manners? You'll scare the life out of me.

I'm about to fall into the bloody loch.

You'll soon get your arse wet.

This is it, Derek goes solo, all right?

If I seen something coming now, I'd put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye.

That's what I would do - him, boat and all.

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