Episode 3 Derek's Dreaming Again

Meet Derek Thornton.

I'm an international sodbuster. That's what they call a poor farmer down here in County Fermanagh.

You have to be an eejit to be a farmer, in my opinion.

Holidays? Where would I get time to go on holidays when I have to feed all them cattle?

If I'm not feeding the cattle, I'm feeding the sheep.

-If I'm not feeding sheep, I'm feeding cattle. And it's the same

-BLEEP!

-every day.

I should have done more with me life. I'm always dreaming about things I should've done.

Pass the indigestion pills!

Derek's going on the high seas!

-HE BURPS Oh,

-BLEEP!

She is going, boys, this time now. Are you directing now?

Would you have a bit of manners? You'll scare the life out of me!

-It's a good bit from here to Rossnowlagh and I'm about to fall into the

-BLEEP!

-loch.

You'll soon get your arse wet!

You don't really see fear in his eyes until you take him

out of somewhere where he doesn't know what's going to happen

and then you see him just go white in the face

and then he's wondering what's going to happen, and "Where's Mammy?"

Derek's home is surrounded by water,

but he has always been too busy farming to enjoy it.

Look at them boats, boys. Hmm? Peaceful.

I wonder where I'd ever get the price of one of them.

You'd want to be a millionaire.

I lived here all my life and I've never been out on the lake,

and I'd love to get a go on one of them.

Some day, I will, but I'd rather have a sailing boat.

She wouldn't take any diesel or power, and she'd just trudge along herself.

The wind would be down. You'd sit there, and when it'd come up, it'd bring you, as far as I know.

It would be more relaxed than a motorboat. Never seen any of them about this part of the world,

but someday, I'll see one some place and I'll get a go on one.

Well, your dream is about to come true, Derek!

Swapping his wellies for sandals,

the Sodbuster's enrolled on a sailing course.

I'm looking for Dave.

-That's me. You must be Derek.

-I'm Derek. What's left of me.

Derek, just stop there for a second. Can you take your shoes off and just walk across the gangplank?

Hi, Derek. Great to meet you.

I'll tell you one thing - you didn't come out to me, I notice.

Derek, this is your home for the next week.

I'm going to show you around and hopefully you're going to enjoy every second of it.

Are you going to teach me how to sail this yoke? I call her...

The yacht? Oh yes, we'll do our best to teach you how to sail.

-Am I going to be any danger?

-No. You're in very safe hands.

I'll tell you one thing, we're not moving much and yet she's rocking like a duck in thunder.

Tell me this, whereabouts in the world are we now? What sea are we on, like?

This is the Adriatic. We're off Croatia.

Off Croatia? The Adriatic?

-I never heard tell of it. It's not on the map, is it?

-It is, mate. It is.

It'll be surely on the map when we leave, I assure you that.

Want me to give me your bag and I'll get that below

and take you below to show you around?

Would you mind turning round and come down the companionway backwards?

-What you mean is arse down it?

-Yeah. Backwards.

Backwards. Do you think I wouldn't have walked down that frontways?

-I don't want you falling over and hitting your head, Derek.

-Oh, I see.

David, there's not an awful lot of room in here, eh?

It's fine for two people, Derek. Not that big.

You have got lots of storage down each side in these little lockers,

and a big locker here to hang your dinner jacket and stuff.

OK, Derek. As you rightly guessed, that's the toilet. You sit down on it all the time.

That way we get no mess around the heads and it'll smell sweet.

It wouldn't take rocket science to know that.

But even if you're urinating, Derek, I'd ask you to sit down.

The first thing you've got to do is move this lever on the top of the pump across to the left-hand side

and then you need to pump on here 12 times.

You can have a dry run, as they say.

D'you think my big arse will fit on this?

It's the aim that's important.

Just aim for the pot?

That's right.

Flick her over. Pump her up.

That's it.

-Flick her back.

-Yes.

And then pump her again.

And then pump it dry.

You need to have a good 12 pumps when you're getting rid of the waste material.

I'll wait until I get on land. I'll be more comfortable. She'll not be rocking.

-That's up to you. That's up to you.

-In emergency, she's grand.

-Just keep your mind focused during the day, Derek.

-Yes.

We have a shower, which is just here.

Which comes out so you can shower yourself off.

Remember, Derek, you're going to be doing boat showers.

It is none of this three hours in the shower.

I wouldn't be two minutes in the shower.

So here we have two sinks. We have a small sink

and we have a large sink, which is where we do the washing up.

Here we have the fridge.

We have yoghurts, we have cheese, we have soft drinks.

Have you got any nice rhubarb pie in there, David, hey?

No, we haven't. We've got nice, healthy apples

and you can make me a nice pie in the oven.

The oven is on what's called a gimbal,

so she'll rock backwards and forwards as we are sailing along.

Here we have a gas kettle.

Just sit on there. It's held tight in place with these two...

and she won't move, even as the boat rocks backwards and forwards.

-Does that kettle whistle?

-Yes, it does, Derek.

-And when she stops whistling, she's boiling?

-That's right.

-Then it's time for you to make the tea.

-It's near time we got the tea, hey.

The chart table.

This chart shows you where we're going to go.

We'll have a look at that in a bit.

We'll talk about the equipment around here,

how we can call other boats up, make a distress call.

When we put the sails up and take the sails down, etc,

I'll ask you to go forward and then I'll ask you

to clip on to this thing here, which is called your jack stay. Treat it like a dog. You walk along.

We'll go up the bow and look at what's up there.

Like a pup, tied to that.

-This part of the boat's called the pulpit.

-The pulpit?

Yes, the pulpit. Where the vicar stands and gives a sermon on Sunday.

I'll do vicar on Sunday for yous.

This is called the Kate Winslet seat.

Who is she, tell me?

Kate Winslet? She's an actress. She's in the film, Titanic.

I heard tell of the Titanic, but I never heard tell of Kate Winslow.

This'll want to be a hell of a lot safer boat than the Titanic.

The Titanic only stayed up about 1,500 mile.

The boat tour out of the way, it's time to cast off.

Derek's doing a competent crew course designed by sailing experts.

I wonder, does Dave know what he is letting himself in for?

Soon, they're heading out to sea between Croatia and Italy.

He may be fearless on solid ground, but Derek's already getting worried.

-Skipper, she's bumpy enough here. You told me there'd be no waves.

-This isn't a wave. This is a ripple.

I didn't know what the hell you'll call a wave if that's a ripple. That's the truth!

You'll have bigger things than this in your bathtub.

If you feel seasick on the boat,

you've got to know where the wind is coming from. OK?

-Your wind's coming from that way, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-If you're going to vomit, which way are you going to vomit?

-Out that side.

-Thank you.

-If you're going to break wind, turn and let it go that way, too.

-Exactly.

-That way, it all flows off the boat.

-Right.

What's this here for, David? She is going around at 120 and 150.

That's your compass, telling you which direction you're pointing in.

We'll go over to yon lighthouse yonder, way up...ten mile away.

-What, this one down here?

-See yon one yonder?

-That's actually a sailboat.

-Hey?

-This one down here?

-Aye.

That's a sailboat.

I'll have to go to the optician's when I go home.

I haven't a bloody notion where I am.

I might as well be in Bundoran, hey.

-Is this the Atlantic?

-No, sir.

That's an ocean. This is a sea.

-Oh, this is a sea?

-Yeah. We're in the Adriatic.

-Adriatic.

-Yeah.

-I never heard tell of it. Is that saltwater?

-It is.

When you go swimming, you'll be buoyant because the Mediterranean's a salty sea.

I'm definitely not getting into the water to swim at 30...at 100 foot. No way.

That's all right. You'll be buoyant. Come on.

I'll not be buoyant, for I'm not getting in!

It's not long before the wind gets up,

and this is what sailing's all about.

Derek's beginning to have second thoughts.

Go on now, boys.

-BLEEP! BLEEP!

-Soon get your arse wet!

-HE BURPS

-BLEEP!

I'm puffing like a horse. I was sure she was going to tumble.

I thought there was nobody at the wheel when I looked round.

-She's going, boys, this time now!

-BLEEP!

-I'm not going to get up.

He's keeping his head down.

Now she's definitely going to tumble this time.

I thought this was going to be a great experience of a lifetime

to sail on this yoke.

Here we go.

-I will hold onto you. You'll fall out.

-Sorry?

-Put that rope here. Hold onto that rope.

-I'm going nowhere.

Poor Derek!

We're on our side, don't you know, at 100 degrees? She's damn nearly over.

If I had the chainsaw, I'd cut that damn thing down and she'd level up,

or the quick cut, or some damn thing.

I'm sitting like a duck in thunder. You'd think I was clucking eggs.

I'm not getting up, either.

He can drive away to hell himself.

Derek, would you feel happier if you couldn't see what was going on?

-I'm all right, when she's level, no problem.

-Yeah.

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah.

I don't like to get me money wet or lose it,

because I know in there we're going to go.

Derek's stomach's beginning to bubble.

It's a good job you gave us no dinner.

Are you sure she'd definitely not tumble?

She won't tumble, Derek.

I'll tell you what, Derek, if she tumbles and you die,

I'll pay for your coffin.

-Where the hell will you be?

-I'll be dead, too.

Well, how would you pay for it? You clatty eejit, you!

Now, I was managing her real well and she was going about 3mph, and now you are up to 11mph

and then you started and you wheeshted her over like this here.

Like what, where?

Ah now, don't be at it. You're acting now.

Well, this is hilarious now. This is Cat Maloney altogether. Ohh.

It's just 11 miles an hour.

-Get her flat!

-I can't, because I want to go that way.

What way? Do you know the way you're going? You're going that way!

I'm afraid to let out that. She is going on her side.

The wind's blowing her on her side, hey.

There's a 40 mile an hour wind now, and we're out in the middle of the Sateatic Sea,

or whatever he called her. Now she's up on her arse, or side, or wherever she'll be.

Come on, Derek. Come and have a go. Just try it like this.

All I want you to do... I'll be just down here.

-Is your farm on a hill, Derek?

-No, it's not on a hill. It's on flat, sure.

-So you haven't got one leg longer than the other?

-Definitely not one leg, no.

-BLEEP!

-Fell in there. Do you see the angle I'm at now?

Where do you want me to head her for - Brockagh(?)

I want you to sail as close to the wind as you can, Derek. Something like that.

-Can you feel the boat?

-I can feel the pull on her.

There's a bit of a pull on the wheel, but see how the boat feels now.

Remember, that's the middle of the wheel.

-OK?

-Whoa! Did you see that? I slipped down beside you.

Stop getting so intimate. My wife won't like it!

She's not here! You'd be quite near at that angle, wouldn't you?!

You are going to keep the middle of the wheel somewhere about...

-somewhere about here, and...

-Don't you fall out now, because I can't do without you.

Derek, will you excuse me? I just need to go and make an entry in the log.

OK? You just keep that wheel where she is.

-OK? So you just...

-Now don't you leave. Just you sit where you are.

-We will put the log in tomorrow.

-No. Legally I have to keep a log, Derek.

I'm going to go and make my log entry. I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

You just keep going like this. You are doing perfect. OK?

There's nobody else around. There's no rocks to hit. So go on, then.

This is it, Derek goes solo. All right?

Well, I'll have nobody to chat to. That's something now, do you see? He is away now.

He's left me handling the whole situation.

He is laughing his leg off at me, the clatty eejit.

It's a clatty eejit I am.

Dave knew Derek could do it.

If I seen something coming the other way now, I'd put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye.

That's what I would do - him, boat and all.

The journey takes them to the Port of Sali, and now Derek's even coping with parking.

-A bit of a stern, Derek, please.

-Happy enough?

-That's the first time I parked a ship of this size, Skipper.

-And nicely done too, Derek.

Time for some shore leave, and a chat with the local fishermen.

MEN SPEAK IN CROATIAN

-Good morning again.

-Good morning. Morning, Boss. How are you?

-Very good. Very good.

-This is Derek.

-Yes. Have you been fishing?

Yes, yes, big fish.

Them's like perch.

The fish is very, very nice.

He's alive, hey.

Is he more valuable than these ones?

This one is good for...

-Soup.

-For soup. For risotto.

-And something else...

-Aphrodisiac.

That boy? I don't think that'd be good for your sex life.

If you were tickling her with that, she'd give some roars out of her.

DEREK CHUCKLES

Next stop on Derek's journey was Croatia's donkey sanctuary.

And Derek knows a lot about donkeys...

I see no donkeys yet. I hear donkeys, but I see none.

-Just over your right shoulder, Derek.

-But we'll see them now.

I see one yonder in the trees, he is tethered.

Maybe he's not tethered. I see two. That's far better.

They are affectionate old dolls. They live a long time.

Other tourists clearly recognise the international Sodbuster and burst into song.

THEY SING IN FRENCH

A great welcome. It's a mighty welcome we got, hey!

They're glad to see Paddy. No matter where he goes, he's welcome, Paddy.

They must have known I was from Derrylin, hey!

You have me brothers here(?)

Little donkeys.

We have donkeys here, yeah.

The last eight years, we bring them here in our park.

We present shelter for donkeys.

Right now, we have about 50 of them.

-50?

-We want to keep genetic base.

My ranger didn't know... is a male or female.

-Is it a female now or a male?

-Female. Female.

Think I'll bring it home with me, lads.

-I think I'll put it in the bag.

-OK.

Will you take 100 quid for it?

How are you, me brother, eh?

Back on the high seas, Derek's confidence is growing all the time.

Skipping along. Skipping along. We're washing on the side of her now

and the other side, we turned the boat over this side now.

Skipping along.

Got the mileage up, 17 miles an hour now.

-So you got a feel for the boat now?

-BLEEP!

-She's on a brave slope.

Yeah, she is on a bit of a slope.

Come a bit closer to the wind, if you like.

That way there?

Next on the agenda is a night sail.

OK, there you go, Derek, off you go.

Just keep the boat sailing along how she is now.

You know how she feels, and you got a slight flappy sail

so you want to steer away from the wind just a little bit.

You'd think I was going to rob a bank, I'm blindfolded.

-Are we doing all right, Skipper?

-You're doing great.

Apart from this fishing boat which has just gone starboard bow.

Where's the fish?

-BLEEP!

-She must be an awful slope on her.

Towards me, Derek. Derek, if you're in doubt, let go of the wheel.

Let go of the wheel. Get confidence. Let go of the wheel. OK?

What's happening to the boat now?

There you go.

Just let her keep going round that way. Just trust me.

If in doubt, let her go.

Now for the real thing.

I am kind of an old granny in the dark.

I am afraid of the dark.

I'd be afraid I could meet the wee fairies, you know?

Got any fairies in this country?

No fairies. There are a few ferries.

-There are what?

-A few ferries.

-I'm talking about wee boys.

-No, no, none of those.

I'd hardly think there'd be any out on the loch.

It's not going to be totally dark tonight.

If you look up behind you, there is quite a nice moon there,

which is going to help our job tonight.

Would that be the same moon as we have at home?

It would be exactly the same moon as you'd have at home.

If your missus is out looking at the moon, you're looking at the same thing.

I'd rather be looking at her than looking at that Black Sea tonight, I can assure you!

Talking of the auld lassie, it's time for a message home.

Hello, Mother, you'd never believe what I'm doing now.

I'm sailing in the dark, hey. I'm sailing in the dark, so I am.

And it's nearly half nine at night on the Sunday,

on the Adriatic Sea.

I hope yous is getting on all right without me.

If the weather is as good at home as it has been here, it'll be grand.

Yesterday, it was hairy.

They tumbled the boat, and me hair got wet and me socks got wet.

I thought it was the end of me.

But the weather has been great today. The sailing has went great.

The skipper is grand. 100%.

We met a fisherman today, and he was giving me an abrodisiac -

whatever the hell it was - and he said I'd need it. I don't think I'll need it.

I hope you know what it is, for I don't know much about it.

But maybe, you know, when I get home I MIGHT need it. Good night, Mother.

-Can you see that fishing boat?

-I'm seeing him out there.

I can't make out his nav light, but I'm pretty sure it's gone red now.

-Is it red now?

-Yeah. So he's changed direction.

-He has changed direction?

-Yes. So don't change direction.

-We'll follow him?

-No, we won't!

DEREK LAUGHS

We'll just keep going on.

I can hardly see me finger.

What about a song, Derek?

# Red sails in the sunset

# The sun is now gone

# Do do, do do do

# Sailing sweet home. #

That's all I know. That's all I can do for you!

Well, you can't blame him. Poor soul was up all night sailing.

The pirates might have been here.

They might have robbed him and sunk him, would they? And drowned him.

I can't think so, Derek. I think the guy just made a mistake.

Is there any danger we'd hit rock like that or hit her?

Not at all, Derek.

We're staying well clear of any obstacles in the ocean.

Now, he didn't stay well clear of them. He ran into them.

If I were up a bit tighter to her, David, there, you and I could raise her and salvage her

and maybe we'd be able to buy a bit of land in France.

I think that's close enough for me. I don't want to go and join her.

Well, neither do I, for I want to get home soon.

Yeah, your cattle must be missing you. So must your missus.

They'll be there when I get back, wait till you see. They'll think the more of me.

Some coffee, Skipper?

Thanks, Derek.

Strong stuff or weak?

Strong, please, Derek.

White or brown?

-Black.

-Black.

I will get this yoke here, the cafetiere, and put some into her.

Oh. She's not this lady.

Two-and-a-half levels. Ohhh!

He will go mad.

He'll go stone mad.

He will not know. What he doesn't know will not do him any harm.

It never happened.

There's a bad stroop on this kettle, Davey, Skipper.

Push-a-daisy, he says.

I never seen that jammy jug in my life. Never even knew that existed.

I'm always used to taking black tea,

but the smell of that is not good for you.

That'll be doing him. That'll be strong enough. It looks bully.

Now, Skipper, taste that.

See I did make it right for you...

because you're not that hard to please, I hope, like myself.

Try it, taste it.

We might keep you on to be our galley slave.

Excuse me now, boys, I want some privacy.

I'm going to the hedge, or what they call the lavatory, or whatever.

It's damn small in here now.

CISTERN GURGLES

Hey, David!

I can't get it to work.

HE CRANKS THE CISTERN

David, hey! Come down here!

There's no water coming here, and no dung going out!

Hang on, I think I might have her.

Pull it a bit to port!

MUSIC: "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay

# I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

# Roman cavalry choirs are singing

# Be my mirror, my sword and shield

# My missionaries in a foreign field

# For some reason I can't explain... #

You see me hat, hey? I got the idea of it off Darryl Grimason

when I was watching television one night on BBC.

I just took the idea home...with me

and I bought that and put it on me. It will keep the sun off me.

It's bully. It'll do me when I'm putting in the hay.

It'll keep the hay seeds out of me hair.

Do you think we ought to put in a tack before we stop suddenly on this land in front of us(?)

Right, we better change direction. Put in an attack.

-Ready about.

-Ready about!

Ready.

Attack! Helms to lee! Ready!

Derek can't remember what instructions to shout...

Helms to lee.

-Go. I said I'm ready.

-Ready, helms to lee.

-Which way are you turning?

I'm turning into the wind.

OK. You are turning that way, aren't you?

..or where he's heading...

-BLEEP!

-The wind's coming from that way. Helms to lee.

Pull, boss!

I'll give you "pull, boss" in a minute!

I have the hang of her now, no bother.

I could get around the world. I'm telling ya. No bother.

My dream is fulfilled now. I sailed on this Adriatic Sea.

It is not too bad considering I'm only an old sodbuster.

# People wait a lifetime for a moment like this... #

Derek, I have to say thank you very much.

It's been an absolutely fantastic week.

It's been a pleasure to have you on the boat.

Congratulations, Mr Incompetent...Competent Crew!

Tell me this, would I be able to take that yoke out and sail her myself when I come back?

-Not yourself, Derek, but you'd be welcome to come back.

-Would you have me back?

-I'd have you on my boat any day. It's been a pleasure.

-Not so bad. Bully craic. Good luck to you!

Just before heading home,

Derek wants to see the kind of yachts that millionaires own.

I was hoping to meet the Chelsea owner Romach Avenkovich(!)

and David Beckham and Bernie Ecclestone.

They're all big yachting fans, but I didn't see them.

If we had a yacht like that, we'd never get it through Enniskillen.

-It'd get stuck on the West Bridge.

-Next time on Derek's Dreaming Again...

Guess what we have here, Derek?

We have some additional protein.

And this is protein that you can find very easily.

It's the common earthworm.

No. I don't think you could eat him.

Get it down you!

HE GURGLES

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