Episode 4 Derek's Dreaming Again

Beh-h-h!

Meet Derek Thornton.

I'm a poor ol' sodbuster.

That's what I am.

I mean a poor ol' sodbuster. I'm both old and poor.

I keep meself busy.

That's what keeps you happy. You don't have time to get compressed or repressed.

You see, I've no money.

They're always talking about the money, the farmers.

What did I tell ye? They even keep the baler twine for a firelighter. That's how the times is bad.

It's Sunday lunch at the Thorntons' farmhouse in Derrylin.

Derek's getting some grief about his diet.

-Everything has been already salted.

-You need a bit of taste.

No, salt makes you retain water and by the looks of things, you're retaining a fair bit.

My airbag is the best. Don't you worry about my water.

-What weight are you?

-I've been 16 stone for 20 years.

-That's all...

-That's funny because I remember you, at five,

being a lot slimmer than what you are now.

-I was a lot younger.

-Yes, but...

-I could prove that I could live without eating.

-Go on, prove it.

-Show us.

-I could live in a hedge for a week.

Yes, Daddy, I'd like to see you try.

It was a boast Derek was going to have to live up to,

but could he swap Sunday roast for earthworms?

No, I don't think you could eat him.

If you told me that he was to eat worms or boil a few flies

and try and munch at them, I'd say, "Get real, no way."

He won't even get into the bath if there's a spider in it, so it's really...

I can't imagine him ever trying to survive outdoors.

To prove to his family he could survive in the wild,

Derek packed his bag and headed for Scotland.

Ahoy there!

-Who are you?

-I'm Patrick. What's your name?

-Derek.

-How are you doing? Where have you come from?

-Ireland, outside Derrylin.

What are you doing over here?

The ones at home says me airbag is growing out too much and I couldn't live on me own for a week.

We'll change all of that. I teach people how to live off the land.

I'll show you the various foods that are on the shoreline and in the woodlands.

-How long have you lived off the land?

-I have done it for two months at a time with a cup and a knife.

-It's a very difficult thing to do, but it's enjoyable.

-What about the runs?

-The runs?

-Aye.

-Do you go on a run in the morning?

-I'm not going to.

-You'll no' be running about here.

-It's not that running I mean.

-The runs, the trots?

-Aye.

-If you have the runs, we'll plug it with some sphagnum moss.

-Will anything eat me?

-There's nothing up there apart from lions, tigers and bears(!)

-Are there any midges?

-I'll protect you.

-There's midges the size of your head. They'll suck you dry tonight. You'll be fine.

-Are you sure?

-Let's see what you've brought with you.

-I've brought a pair of trousers with me and a pair of socks.

-Trousers are handy.

-Yeah.

-You've got a spare shirt.

-I'd need that.

-What else have you got in there? More clothes?

-Aye.

-You said there was bears that might eat me.

-What's that?

-Sweets. Hang on now.

-You'll not need them.

-I'll give you a clout.

-There's an eagle!

-Don't worry about the eagle.

-What's this?

-That's me bum fodder.

-Bum fodder?

-Yeah.

-Do you feed your bum?

-No, go on.

-Leave that in there.

-You'll no' need that.

-What's this?

-That's me beer. You're not gettin' that.

No, you'll no' need that.

-What do we have here? Sauce?

-You can keep that. I could do without that, but not without me beer.

-That's really me medicine.

-You'll no' need that.

-I'll give you a clout. I need that.

Give me that bottle back.

And last but not least... Oh, I do like them, Derek.

-You like them?

-Yeah, I like them, but you're not having them.

Oh, dear. Old Mrs Hubbard went to the cupboard.

Nothing in there now. I'm going to replace that with some items - a pot and a cup.

-How am I going to get it heated up?

-I'm going to show you how to light fire.

-I'm going to give you a knife, another very useful item.

-Let me get a look at the knife. That'll do.

I'm going to give you some string.

-I'm going to give you a saw.

-That's not much of a saw, but it'll do.

-That's a fine saw.

-That's all you're getting.

-But you have all my luxuries.

-I'll take care of them for the weekend.

-Have a nice time.

-You've got everything you need.

-To survive?

-With a bit of knowledge, I'll show you how to feed yourself out there.

-Your wife will love the new-look Derek when you get home.

-Shut up!

Derek's home for the week is the 1,500-acre Lachlan Castle Estate

on the shores of Loch Fyne.

And there was now no way back.

The first thing we've got to do in this situation is light a fire.

To do that, we've got to look to the natural world for the materials.

So up here is a fungi called a horse's hoof, or the Fomes fomentarius.

-We could use that to help us light fire.

-Is there oil in that?

There's no oil in it, but there's a corky layer just under the cuticle and that tends to hold an ember.

With this fungi, we could carry fire.

When you go back home, you could show them how to light fire using sticks and get them to put a bet on it.

You'll have free drink for a month.

-They'll not believe me, but I'll try them with it.

-Show them how it's done. There you go, Derek.

That's you got the first part of the bow drill set.

Patrick, we wouldn't cut much firewood at home with that saw.

-We have a wee Husqvarna chainsaw.

-Have you?

-Aye. She'd cut it.

-You've got all the mod cons?

-Oh, aye.

-We want to get this done or it'll be dark. We'll get hungry then.

-We will be hungry, but food comes later.

-Let's sort fire out first.

-You couldn't cook food without fire.

You couldn't whistle without an upper lip.

-THEY LAUGH

-Are you listening to me?

-That's very true.

-Yeah?

Have you got that string I gave you?

-That stuff there?

-That stuff I swapped you for that whisky.

-What a bargain you got!

-Some bargain! Cut there, Patrick?

-Yeah, that's fine. Good man.

This is not a bow and arrow now?

It's not a bow and arrow, but there's a lot of tension in there.

If that slips, if that comes out and whacks you in the nose...

-Right.

-You'll know all about it.

-What do you do with that now?

There's another two parts we need to make for it, but that's the basics.

It's a good practice, if you carry a knife, to carry a first-aid kid on your belt also.

-You know the best thing for washing out a cut?

-Salt water?

-That whisky that you stole off me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You don't want to cut yourself. That's how you waste it.

-Do you drink it first?

-No, I could lick it out of the cut, but...

-Yeah?

-Did you ever play Cowboys and Indians on the farm?

-Very little.

-What were you? A Cowboy or an Indian?

-A Cowboy.

-I was always an Indian.

And I'm still a cowboy. By name and by nature!

And I'm just adding a little bit of pressure down on that.

What's happening is the wood is starting to warm up.

As I increase the speed, it's getting warmer still.

Just nice and easy. Get the feel of it. Does that feel OK?

-BLEEP

-Try and keep it in the middle and don't let it ride up.

Now you're warming it up, it's starting to...

There's smoke coming now, Patrick.

Yeah, but just keep on going. Concentrate on what you're doing. Build up speed.

-Grip that cord. It's sliding.

-It's spinnin'. Clutch is slippin'!

Take your foot off of that... Gently take your foot off that. Now fan it. Really throw air in there.

That's lovely, Derek. Absolutely lovely.

Use the stick in the centre there and then just tilt...

That's it. Move the board away. That's it.

Don't crush it. Just take the board away. Now fan.

Fan.

A bit more, a bit more.

You want to grow that coal. That's it, it's looking good, Derek.

A bit more.

A bit more.

Turn round, so you've got the breeze to your back, Derek. Rotate round that way. Just slightly.

That's good. Up higher and more puff now.

It's gonnae pop.

Well done! Well done, that man. Fire by friction.

I never believed that could be done.

If you told me in the pub that could be done, I'd have called you a bollocks. I'm well chuffed.

Now we just want to try and catch this fungi.

-Patrick, what are we going up here for?

-We're going to try and find you a nice area to build a shelter in.

-Derek, your arse looks big in thae troosers.

-If you were in front of me, I'd stick my shoe up your arse.

-Just keep your wind where it is.

-You're givin' me guff all day.

Bring that over. Get us another bit and we'll tie it.

-This has taken long enough.

-Wait till I go round this side.

Rome was never built in a day. Don't you start a panic.

There we go. That's good, Derek.

Patrick, put your finger on that and it'll be tight.

The only thing you need to worry about tonight is the giant ticks.

-The giant ticks?

-Massive ticks.

They crawl about the undergrowth waiting for victims like yourself to spend the night in the woods.

I'll get a sleeping bag and I'll roll up in it and they'll not get into me.

You'll get one in your head. It'll suck your brains out.

-It'll not suck my brains out. If you had brains, you wouldn't be here.

-You'll be fine then.

She'll be harpin' at ye to do things at home, you know.

-Like cut the bread with a saw?

-I'll not cut the bread, but mow the lawn

and maybe wash the dishes or peel the praities.

That's a woman's duty, is it not?

It would be a long time before a woman's tongue would wear out, I can assure you.

The last bit of them to wear out is their tongue.

-She has a heart of gold.

-That's why you married her, eh?

-She's stayed over 40 years with me.

-Aye?

-Do you think she's missing you at the moment?

-I'd say she is.

I'd say I'll miss her before she misses me.

-Wondering where her wee Derek is, the love of her life?

-Aye.

I've slept under hedges in me time. The wife'll not believe me that I'm going to sleep under that.

I suppose it'll be all right.

-That's no' bad.

-It's not that bad.

-That's a good fit. Come on out and we'll get the bed in.

-One thing about in here - there's plenty of fresh air when you break wind.

-There is.

I like the air around my gills anyway.

With Derek's shelter built, he's now thinking about his dinner.

Derek, we'll have a look at some plants that we could use as a food source.

You've got to be really careful with what you pick and what you consume.

-If you don't know what you're eating, don't eat it.

-Don't feed it to me.

Derek, this is wild garlic. Break a bit off and have a sniff and a little taste.

Smell that.

-There's no smell on that.

-Break it. Bruise it.

-Aye.

-It's very, very strong.

We could use that in a woodland salad, we could use it with meats, so gather some of this up.

-It's not that edible, eh, Patrick?

-It's like scallions.

-That's not like scallions at home.

-Yeah, it's lovely.

If you get all of this down your neck tonight, I'll no' be sleeping near you.

-Will me arse be on fire?

-Your breath will be stinking.

-Here we have the primrose, Derek.

-I have acres of them at home.

Well, you've acres of a fine food.

What will the boys say back home when they know you're picking flowers in the woodland with a man?

Picking them with a man wouldn't be so bad, but trying to eat them would be the devil.

You couldn't eat them damn things.

Pick a few more flowers and it'll give a bit of colour to your salad.

-Colour? I want something to eat.

-That's what you're getting.

This is common sorrel and this is a great addition to salads.

Would you like to try a bit of that?

-What's up?

-BLEEP

-You couldn't eat that!

-Of course you could. It's got a nice lemony...

-It'd poison you!

-Derek, you're just a big baby.

This is called the pignut. They are hard to find. Sometimes you miss them.

-These are grown below a beech tree.

-Is that all we got?

That's all you got, but that's better than nothing at all.

There's another source of protein that is easily collected and that is the woodlouse and worms.

-I reckon under this log...

-You must be joking!

-I'm perfectly serious.

-How do you get them gutted out?

-You just eat the whole lot.

We have an inhibition about insects and things that creep and crawl, but it's protein.

We might find some under this log here, so we just throw that back...

There's a big one. That's one for Derek. There's a bit of free protein.

-Pop it down the hatch. Give it a crunch.

-If it went down in one bit, what happens?

It'd be destroyed by your stomach juices. Go on. What are you waiting for? Christmas?

Before he gets away! Chew it!

Swallow!

-Gone.

-That wisnae that bad. Did you crunch it?

Did you get the flavour of it?

-It's gone now.

-He's stuck to your top lip!

-He's not!

-Try another one.

No, one will do now! Oh, yes, one will do!

-One will not get you fat, Derek.

-It'll get me fat enough!

-Have that.

-Pop him down. Give him a crunch...

-You know the other one went?

-I didn't see that.

Get him down the hatch. Go for it.

Aye, crunch. Chew. Swallow.

-Gone.

-It's gone.

Guess what we have here.

We have some additional protein. This is protein that you can find very easily.

It's the common earthworm.

-Would you like to try one?

-I'm not that stuck for protein.

Just clean it out and we end up with a meat tube.

-Is he alive now?

-He's dead now, Derek.

And then we just simply pick him up... No, this is for me.

-No, no...

-Derek, Derek. I'm a generous man.

I'm saving this big one for you. Now observe carefully.

In.

Well done.

Swallow. Not too bad.

-I'm not gonnae eat

-BLEEP

-for anybody!

-This is not

-BLEEP.

-It's a source of protein. Tastes like chicken.

-BLEEP!

That's never been chicken! There's no feathers on him.

Up it comes. On the tongue. Chew and swallow.

-For goodness' sake, man! Get it down your neck.

-Have to taste him first.

-No! I don't think I'll eat him!

-Get him down you!

Eurgh!

IS that it down? Do you want another one?

-Why the

-BLEEP

-would I want more for?!

You're a clatty dog! That's what you are. A clatty, clatty dog.

We've got a lovely fire on the go. Are you feeling a bit better?

-I'm grand, but I tell you I'm hungry.

-Are you hungry?

-Aye.

-It's a long day.

-Let's snack on what we've gathered. Want this pignut?

-What kind of stuff is that?

-The pignut you had to dig for.

-It's not bad, is it?

-I've ate worse.

-You have.

-Try some primrose and lime leaves.

-Shall we?

It's just like a nice salad.

Put hairs on your chin, as your mammy would say.

That's all right, isn't it?

It's all right when you're hungry, but not every day. You wouldn't want to eat it every day,

but out here you've no other option.

-Some of them are tasteless, but the garlic is not too bad.

-No.

-The juice is running out of me.

-And tomorrow we'll find foods more suited to your palate, hopefully.

-That fire will not burn round the whole tent?

-We'll let this die away.

-When you hit the sack, it'll just be embers.

-Would I...

Would I pass water on that and put it out?

Ya filthy dog!

-It'll go up in steam.

-There's a bloody tree over there!

-It'll go up in steam.

-Cock your leg over that tree.

-It's time for bed.

Right...

What...what...?

I'll cover me head up to keep them... What do you call them?

Midges? No... What do you call them things?

The ticks.

I'm grand now.

Good night, lads!

-Right.

-Let's make our way through down to the water.

-BLEEP!

-Keep low.

-Hit me at head height.

-It'll knock some sense into you!

-Have you a Lifebuoy soap?

-In my pocket.

-Have you a towel?

-I don't. Dry yourself with the bracken.

Right, Derek, just take your time, make your way to the water's edge.

Right.

Use this to give you support.

-And it will support you if you use it right.

-Any holes in there?

-Yeah. Holes, rocks, submerged rocks,

branches. Just slowly, slowly feel your way through.

You'll feel the current pushing you. Lean in. Face the current.

And just take your time.

Prod around. And slowly, slowly... I can feel it pushing me off my feet.

-It's pushing me.

-Slowly. Take your time, but catch up with me, Derek.

You want to get to the other side. And do it now before it's too deep

-otherwise we'll be swimming across, hanging on to my Bergen.

-Your what?

-Your rucksack?

-My bag, my bag.

You're not hanging onto mine where it is at the minute!

The longer you hang about here, the more hypothermic we'll get!

-How's that? Feeling confident?

-Just about now.

I think you're over the worst of it.

Wait till I tell you, Patrick. My sac is very small at the minute!

Have you no potatoes in the bag?

It's not my rucksack. It's not my rucksack, either!

Look at... Look at... Look at my trousers - full of water.

-Any fish in those wellies?

-No fish.

-Oh, Jiminy! My money! I had money in me trousers.

-Money?

Mush? Is it mush, Derek?

Well, look at me money.

-A farmer giving away his...

-That's nae good to you now, Derek. I'll take that off you.

-You'll no' be able to light a fire now.

-We'll dry it. Somehow or another.

-That's all the bit of money I have between here and heaven.

-We'll hang it above the fire.

How does that sound?

-Which kind of a fish is that?

-It's a cockle!

-There's good eating in that cockle.

-Look - it's hard.

But we're going to cook it and it'll open up.

-The boy will jump out?

-He doesn't jump out, not when he's dead, Derek. Let's have a look for some more.

-How many of them will you want?

-You want a good potful.

See how they bury in like a tick?

-In it goes.

-We'll be a good while filling the pot at this rate.

And them last night, them ticks, I got two under my oxter.

-What?

-I got two ticks under my oxter.

-Your oxter? What's an oxter?

Up here. I got two ticks up here.

These are winkles. Delicious. Quite easy to collect, not much energy required.

-And we could use the thorn from the hawthorn to pick them out after we boil them.

-You boil them?

We boil them up, yeah.

I'm just going to shove all these coals over to that side.

On they go. Oh, it's hot in there.

Now what we can do is just sit here and wait for our food to cook.

Put it in, chew it and savour the flavour.

-Chew it.

-I'm chewing it.

-Get the flavour.

-Like eating a bicycle tube!

-5 out of 10?

-Three and a half.

-Compared to a wood louse?

9 out of 10.

Nine? Oh, we're getting somewhere!

-Have another.

-No. I'm all right.

-I'm sharing my last Rolo.

No, no matter about your last Rolo!

# Through streets broad and narrow

# Crying, "Cockles and mussels Alive, alive-o!

# "Alive, alive-o Alive, alive-o

# Molly... # What was it?

# She carried her wheelbarrow Through streets broad and narrow. #

That's lovely and fresh, Derek. We'll get a nice tea out of that.

What do you think?

-I got a fly in that. There was a fly in the lid.

-A fly?

Aye, a fly, not a flea.

It's time for a message home.

Hello, Mother.

I'm ready to go here, to bed,

and I have been hungry. I ate wood lice and worms.

I thought they'd poisoned me, but I'm still here.

And I had a disaster today.

I was crossing the river, looking for shellfish,

and whatever you eat for protein, and did my money get wet in my pocket.

Now I'm trying to dry it. You know how fond of money I am.

I don't think we'll lose it, we'll still get the bills paid

and I'll bring what I have left home with me. Good night, Mother. I'll see you in a couple of days.

And if I survive this, I'll survive anything.

-Later that night...

-Derek, where are you going?

Nature's calling! Like my new luminous toilet roll?

-I seen it from away up there.

-I got it on the internet. Would you give me a wee bit of privacy?

-Yeah.

-What about the sphagnum moss?

-It's privacy I want!

It's Derek's last day. Derrylin's very own Robinson Crusoe is learning how to make a raft.

We're going to create a raft, Derek.

And that's going to allow us to have a fishing platform.

-It'll look like a big doughnut.

-Right.

-Right, Derek.

Follow the doughnut shape. Put some kelp in.

-It's Derek's chance to learn some bushcraft.

-Excellent, Derek.

-He's not convinced he'll float his boat.

-We'll call this the Titanic.

The Titanic went down and that's sure to go down, I can assure you.

This is an exercise in speed. We've got the tide against us

and, unfortunately, if we don't get this finished in time, we'll get wet.

-Would you like to get your finger out and join in?

-It's been out all day!

Gently. Don't rip the bottom off it. That's good, Derek. Good.

Ohh...

-She's not floating, Patrick.

-Spin it around, Derek.

She's floating. There.

Now the proof of the pudding will be in...

In the eating.

Right, Derek, in you go. I'll hold it steady for you.

Get your balance, Derek. Chop chop.

I'm going to paddle.

MUSIC: "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley

-Do you know if there's a doctor?

-Get rowing!

She's bubbling now.

Oh! Gently, gently.

Derek...come on.

-It's floating.

-Derek...

-THEY LAUGH See you again, Derek!

-Good luck!

It's not a two-man raft.

It's not a two-man raft, Derek. I told you that.

She's gone.

-Patrick, I told you the Titanic wouldn't stay up.

-Well, Derek,

I've shown you the skills to live off the land.

It's now up to you. I'll see you in a year.

Bye!

I might never see home again, I'm telling you, the craitur.

I'm marooned. Robinson Crusoe.

You'll be glad to hear that Derek survived his dream and made a bee-line for the local tea shop.

Hi, there. What can I get for you?

An Ulster fry as big as you can make it. I deserve it.

-How many eggs?

-I'll take three.

-And bacon?

-Throw in four slices.

-Anything else?

-Fadge, mushrooms and a tomato.

-Is that it?

-And a big pot of tea!

OK, I'll get right on it.

There we go.

I hope you manage to eat all that.

That's lovely after the week I've had.

No!

-I don't think so...

-Get it down you.

Aaargh!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

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