Survivors: Lust for Life Storyville

This programme contains some strong language

Trying to understand what happened.

I've just this minute woken up to this chk-chk-chk-chk.

There's a bird in my bedroom. It's well freaking me out.

It's, like, what the fuck?

Poor, poor thing.

It's a bit scary.

I'm petrified.

-FLUTTERING

-Its wings are working.

Come on.

CHEEPING

Got to get you, got to...

You used to flap your wings.

When we went abroad, you used to get your arms going and get the aeroplane up.

Help the aeroplane lift off.

I always wanted to be free. I never wanted to settle.

But it's hard to know who you really are until you face your mortality.

Like most of us, I never thought about death until I had to.

I don't really know what to do, this is hilarious!

I've spent what, 10 years, putting other people in this position

and, erm...

now it's my turn.

You were always, well, what did Mrs Bibbinson call you?

A flippant flibbertigibbet, always to-ing and fro-ing

and wanted to know what everybody else is doing.

I'm Heather Leach from Rochdale.

Kind, warm hearted, exasperating.

I was a little adventurer in a little northern English town.

A bit like a hurricane.

When you come home, it's like, hoo!

I moved to London in 2000 to direct documentaries.

I mean, she looks tranquil, composed, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth

and the reality is, a rough London tart she is!

LAUGHTER

Can you make entire documentaries on mobile phones?

This is what I was like in my old life, before it all happened.

Let's do a documentary-off.

I worked hard and I played hard.

But then, I started to feel really weird, like I was on speed.

It felt like I was losing my mind.

You were really hard work, to be honest.

I tried to avoid you a lot of the time.

You just couldn't function.

It was the most bizarre time for you, really,

cos I don't think you knew what was going on either.

She was like the Duracell bunny. She'd just keep on and on and on.

Everyone would be knackered but because she kept going,

you couldn't say we were being overworked cos it was like, "How's she doing it?"

I'm being a typical workaholic, aren't I?

Travelling like a gypsy with my camera as my best mate.

I had untold energy and couldn't sleep

and then, I'd suddenly collapse.

It turned out I had a serious toxic thyroid condition called Graves' disease.

I'd never heard of it.

Graves' disease is when your immune system attacks your thyroid,

which means that you function at a capacity that's not normal.

They used to put them away, they thought they were manic.

Which you are when...or you were.

I saw a consultant who said it could lead to me having a heart attack.

He gave me loads of medication and I carried on anyway.

But then, I was told it could stop me having kids.

I was referred to a thyroid surgeon.

I perform about 100-150 thyroidectomies a year

for various conditions.

I had a chat with her about surgery and we decided to go ahead.

I said fine, I'll have surgery, absolutely fine, won't be an issue.

I assumed it would be straightforward.

But then, they found something else.

I could really hear my heart beating

and I was going, "No, you've got it wrong."

And he said, "No, we haven't."

Only once or twice a year

I would perform an operation for a benign condition

-and then find cancer.

-'Cancer?'

'And then I started to cry and it was almost like a wail,

'it was like this physical pain of grief.

'And then I stopped it. I was like, you're not going there.'

It would be three weeks before they could tell me

how severe the cancer was and whether it had spread.

OK, so, oh my God, this is weird.

'To distract myself,

I picked up my camera and started making this film.'

Right, I don't think anybody ever realises what it's like

being told you've got cancer unless that's happened.

I knew I wasn't 100%, but never in a million years expected that.

Well, fuck, what do you do?

Here's a cup of tea.

I was back in Rochdale at Mum and Dad's.

I've got something to show you in the garden.

Thanks for my tea, Mum.

HE COUGHS

Oh, don't ruin it by coughing everywhere!

Stop spoiling the show!

If you can control it, then sit down on the bench out of the way.

-It's cruel.

-Yeah!

-Right.

-I've something to show you.

-Yeah?

This is for you, this, specifically for you.

-Pacifically?

-Specifically for you.

-This is Elizabeth.

-Who's Elizabeth?

-Elizabeth's your grandma.

She was my Nana! She's not my grandma.

I try to be posh when we're on film.

This is a sign for you and for your health, this.

I've never seen a rhododendron bush as healthy as that.

There's one late flower.

Now, if that's not a sign to you, I don't know what is.

Oh, you nearly made me cry then, Dad.

-Good.

-Why?

-Well, it means it's sunk in a bit if you nearly cried.

It means it means to you what he hoped it would do.

My nan had had cancer. It led to her demise.

Would that be my fate too?

Um...

And just in case you didn't know, I don't like getting upset.

I quite like being strong. But yeah, well done, Dad.

So, come on, Elizabeth.

Then, flicking through a magazine, Mum and me spotted the boots.

My nan, my mum and me, we've always loved boots,

but these weren't ordinary boots.

They were kick-ass tasselled cowboy boots.

If I could only get those boots then everything'd be all right,

I'd get my old life back.

'Desperate to fill the torturous wait, I thought,

'I know, I'll join my friend Jess on holiday.'

Yeah, it is good that I'm going to Tuscany.

I've got to fucking forge some ideas and plans.

It's really amazing when you're taking off

and you look back and you see these amazing images.

You see the sky changing colour. It's beautiful.

And you really try and hold onto that memory,

you try and photograph a moment in time that means something.

But those moments are all gone

until something really significant makes you think about them.

'My mind was flooding with memories.

'All the significant times I'd had with people -

'me and Dad, on a chairlift.

'Playing I-Spy with my nan.

'It's like you're life's playing out in front of you,

'it's playing out in fast-forward.'

Hey, Dad, it's Heath. Hiya, you all right?

It's lovely, yeah, it's really nice. You'd love it.

I feel awful, Mum.

Yeah, but I didn't want to make you upset.

That's what this being told, that's what this is making me do

but it's also making me realise who's there and who I want

and what time I want with people.

That's why being with you and Dad

in the garden

the other day was just...

you know, it was great. It's so...

Dad's just, you know,

you're always there

and that's what's really difficult

and that's why I'm horrible to you

sometimes. You're the best.

Mum, I can't tell you how much I love you. So, so much.

Bye.

Oh, God, it's interesting.

Fucking hell, I didn't expect this roller coaster.

Very pretty.

Hey, I'm looking good, aren't I?

SHE WOLF-WHISTLES

My feet are getting wet, even in my brilliant socks.

I'm such an idiot. Fancy coming out in socks?

'I should have been wearing those boots.

'I wished I'd bought them en route, but they'd sold out.

'That wasn't going to stop me!'

Today I'm going to call them and see if I can get those boots.

The boots and all the memories triggered a new thought - a challenge.

I decided to write a list

of everything I really wanted to do in my life.

It was part fun and part something to do with facing mortality

and I wanted Jess to help me.

The Ross.

LAUGHTER

-Morning, Leach.

-Morning, Rossy.

So, there she is, the sidekick in the Ginger Army.

Right, so, task today, we've got to do the list.

Unfortunately, like a true professional,

I didn't bring a tripod!

We're going to make a tripod on the table.

Supermarine Spitfire 1936 Onwards Owners' Workshop Manual.

Might be just what we're looking for. If we were to put that like that...

Look at that! That's not bad for a rubbish tripod, is it?

Fountain pen! I haven't written with a fountain pen for years.

Right, so, the list.

'No prizes for guessing what was that the top.'

One, boots.

It depends how you're going to go about addressing these things on the list.

Are you going to go to people and say,

-"I've got cancer, I want the boots, give them to me now."

-No.

"You should, because I've got cancer."

What, give them to me for free?

I thought that's the whole point!

You could just walk into a shop and buy them.

Well, no, you can't, because they're not in the fucking shop.

-So, Hugo Boss.

-We can do that today.

-That's today.

-Make a call today.

Right, what else?

I'd always really regretted not filming with my nan before she died.

That's why number three on the list

was to film with the people most important to me.

People like Mum and Dad.

And I really wanted to find love.

And have children.

And to fulfil my other passions, like skiing and art.

OK, so task one is going to make me feel fine

and I won't feel like I've had a bloody tumour removed.

I'm going to speak to the manager at Hugo Boss.

I don't know whether you can help me. What's your name? Hi, Simon.

Do you deal with the Orange collection?

Hopefully, if you can sort it it will be doing things, so...

That's great.

Thanks, Harriet.

Thank you so much, really appreciate it.

Take care, bye-bye, bye.

See, there you go!

Harriet, head office customer services

is now going to do a big check.

Oh, look at that! Do you think we should add it to the list?

-What to drive it?

-To nick it!

-No!

LAUGHTER

And to have a laugh.

The key to keeping us all happy, in my opinion.

I love this place. Look at it! It's absolutely great.

Look, it's behind us!

It's brilliant, look, me and Jess, just me and Jess.

Look, if we turn around, you can see the view behind us.

-You'd get if a shock if you saw someone now!

-The Loch Ness Monster.

Stunning, isn't it?

'I'd always thought life was ahead of me.

'But for the first time, I was having to face the fact that my time

'with people I love, like my dad, Gordy, might be limited.'

What would you say to Gordy if he was here right now?

I don't what I'd say to Gordy.

I wouldn't really need to say anything to him.

We kind of had good moments. We've done...

We've done our stuff.

SHE SNIFFS

'I was on the train on the way back.

'Jess was sleeping and I started to really shit myself.

'I was going back to hospital to find out whether

'the cancer had been removed, whether it was self-contained.

'I was scared of being told that the cancer was still there

'or it had gone somewhere else.'

'I kept thinking, "I hope they've got it mixed up, I hope it's not me really."'

SHE EXHALES

We're not going to find anything out, though, are we?

-I don't know, you may.

-I don't think we will.

I'll tell you what I've thought. We need to ask him about whether I can have...

Whether it's going to be all right to try for kids and stuff like that.

Because they always said, when I was hyperthyroid,

-it'd be really difficult to...

-Mmm, conceive.

..conceive, and if I did...

-..there's a really high chance of miscarrying.

-Right.

-It's weird.

-I mean, I'm not...you know, but it does make you think about the bigger picture.

-Mm.

Now I think, "Right, what if I have to have treatment, what do I do?

"Do I have bloody...save eggs, or what?" I don't know.

I think that comes amiss anyway as you're getting older

but I think that...once you're OK, you're OK.

I think your problem now is if you have to have the radioiodine

then you've to put that off obviously, haven't you?

-Put it off?

-Yeah, cos you've not to try for children for about six months after.

Oh, you mean put off trying for kids, I thought you meant put off...

-I've got to find someone first!

-Exactly.

-I've got a list!

-Have you?

-Yeah, I have now, yeah.

What do you feel about filming on that little camera?

Do you mean whilst you're having your consultation?

Well, I want to be able to concentrate on your consultation

rather than taking photographs, to be honest.

-Taking photographs?

-Well, filming.

-Will you not do it for me?

What do you think I'm down here for if it's not for you?

Not to be a documentary filmmaker, that's for sure.

And I just press this red button?

Yeah.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

You've got the lens cap on!

Yeah, I thought there was nothing there.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Is that straight or is it tilted?

-No, it's all right.

-OK.

I'm just making sure I haven't got any people in shot, Heath.

-So what other vocation do you think I should... I'd be good at?

-I think you would... I just...

It amazes me just how confident you are in the job that you do

and I think that's the confidence perhaps that you never used to have,

that you have now.

Cos I really want to do this still

but I don't want to do it on broadcasters' terms any more.

Mm.

-What would you think you would do as an alternative?

-I don't know.

Be a skiing instructor. And make skiing videos.

Don't know.

That was the only other time that I think I was really happy.

When I was in the mountains.

-DOCTOR:

-Mr Young?

-Are you worried?

-No. I'm worried about you.

Don't worry about me, I'll be all right.

-I'm shaking now.

-Yeah, I know. I perfectly understand.

Thank you.

She's filming me walking.

Oh. OK.

-How are you?

-Er...I'm OK. I've been very up and down, obviously.

-Slightly shocked by our last meeting.

-Yes, yes.

And it took a while to...to sink in, really.

And I don't even know if it has sunk in.

It's been... It's been a strange one.

Cos I didn't expect that, obviously.

Well, nobody did.

-That's part of the problem.

-Mm.

The most important message from this consultation

is that it was an extremely small cancer,

it was totally unexpected and incidental,

it is not going to affect your lifestyle.

Further surgery is not indicated at this stage.

But, unfortunately, because we did diagnose you with a cancer,

we will initiate the follow-up,

which will be like for cancer.

Nobody can give a sort of 100% assurances

when the word "cancer" is mentioned, but you have almost, you know...

You should have as much confidence as possible

that that is not going to affect the quality of your life.

Er, you need to let me walk out first.

Don't follow me with the camera, just let me walk out.

I think that's incredibly encouraging.

I mean, he's as good as said you've got nothing to worry about.

There's doubt.

-Sorry?

-There's doubt.

Sorry, I can't get my head round that.

Well, you're not in my position, are you?

Why is there doubt?

What are you doubting?

You've got to be glad it's not...

No, I am glad. I am glad. Course I'm glad!

-Believe them.

-God, of course I'm glad!

'Going back to Rochdale to recuperate with Mum and Dad,

'I'm thinking, "Where's the evidence I'm going to be fine?"

'From what I'd seen with my nan, a cancer diagnosis was the beginning of the end.

'I was finding it hard to be optimistic.'

Ohhh!

-It's been awful, Dad.

-I'm sure it has.

'The rest of the family was celebrating,

'but I was trying to come to terms with what had been the most difficult month of my life.'

Do you want to do that again?

-No.

-No! Get that light off.

I'm finding it really overwhelming that everybody wants me to be, like,

"Ooh, let's celebrate!". And I... God, I can't.

I guess that's why I'm emotional - I can't quite believe it.

I can't believe I've got away with it.

I mean, I don't know what to do about this, Mum.

You've got to get some benefit, you can't keep going.

I know, but... You don't have to talk to me like I'm two.

I am addressing it, but I don't know what to do about it.

That's why, being like this, it puts me under pressure

and then that makes things worse.

You said that when you came home, you were doing nothing.

-I know this weekend's an exception, but you're going back down...

-Because I'm going to the hospital.

-Excuse me! But you're staying there. You're not coming back.

-It's my birthday.

-Do you know what, I've had a shit few months.

-I know you have!

-I've not seen anyone, so I'm going to go out with my friends.

-Right.

That's fine. And I hope you do and I hope you enjoy yourself,

cos I want you to be returning to how you were.

Mm.

-Every time I look at you, you're tired. Do you think it doesn't worry me?

-No, I know.

-I know it worries you.

-It's every time you open your mouth, you're tired and I know you are.

I want you to be better.

I just think it's going to take longer than we all thought.

-Yeah.

-I think that's the problem.

-Yeah.

You're worse now than you were after you had it done.

Just after you'd had it done, I think.

-I don't think it kicked in for a while, did it?

-No.

-I think it took a few weeks.

-Mm.

But, equally, it's really difficult being here.

-It is really hard being here, Mum.

-I'm sure it is.

It's not that I don't want to be here, cos you know I love you all, massively.

But it's really hard. I've got no independence at all now.

-For me, that is the most difficult thing.

-I understand that.

It changes things for every one of us, for all of us, doesn't it?

'I didn't realise the impact of having your thyroid removed.

'It was making me mentally and physically exhausted.

'I was getting one infection after another,

'dosed up on loads of pills.

'I was a pharmaceutical company's dream.

'The list I'd written in Tuscany

'just seemed like an impossible mountain.

'I couldn't ever see myself going back to my old job.

'And I had no income.'

Jack?

Jack, are you going to go and post this letter?

-Can you get that letter for me?

-Yeah.

-That one?

-That wants posting.

'I love children, especially my two-year-old nephew, Jack.'

-Not through there!

-Not through there.

Not through there.

-Are you holding onto Monkey?

-Yeah.

-Are you going to hold my hand?

I hold him in the other hand.

'Being with Jack was a constant reminder

'about finding out if I could have kids.

'It was on the list...but it was too much for me to face.'

Not posting in.

It's not posting in for me.

It's not posting in for you?

Why don't you turn it...? That's it!

That's it. Going.

Who's a clever boy?!

'The one thing I really did need to face was my cancer.

'Andrew, the histologist who'd found mine, was happy to show it me.'

So, that's normal and that's tumour.

-Mm.

-Papillary carcinoma gets its name from the tumour cells aligning it,

-like fingers in a glove.

-Fascinating.

So, what would happen if I were to request it?

Not many patients request their own tissue, but I can't see a problem with it.

'God, that's brilliant!'

Actually, they're in here.

Even better.

'Wow. A room full of cancerous growths.'

Um... Here we are. These are the normal size ones.

This is actually someone's prostate.

Um... So, they don't fit in here, obviously.

Gosh, that's fascinating.

'Seeing so many shavings of lives made me realise how fragile we are.

'These tiny tumours that could threaten our very existence.'

-Would mine be in here, then?

-2008...

-2008, yeah.

-No.

'I'd decided I wanted to make an artwork with my specimen.'

Oh, hang on... No, no, I don't think so.

'Bizarre. Now I had to write to the hospital to ask for that bit of me back.

'I was knackered. The filming and the trip to London had exhausted me.

'Why was the operation making me feel worse, rather than better?

'Why weren't the drugs sorting me out?

'I wanted answers from Tom, my surgeon.'

It's a subtle medication problem.

We tried to give you a dose of thyroxine

which is just marginally too much.

Obviously, you are always behind, so either you're giving too much or too little.

Therefore, this ideal control is rarely there.

'One thing was becoming clear.

'Getting the medication right was a lot more difficult because of the thyroid cancer.

'It was going to be a much longer haul than I'd ever thought.

'Deconstructing this bloody illness is really hard.'

I don't know what normal life is any more.

'And that's all because...

'..that word made me...

'..question everything about life.'

'There was one good thing about being in Rochdale.

'I was making a deeper friendship with Big Anne,

'an old friend of my mum's.'

They used to say, "Is Big Anne going?"

-I mean, my friend, Little Anne...

-Little Anne?

She were only little.

She were about 4'11", about six stone wet, and we were always best mates.

So it was always Big Anne and Little Anne.

'Big Anne's my surrogate gran.

'Like me, she'd had her thyroid removed.

'That was years earlier, but Anne now had leukaemia

'and early stage breast cancer.

'We were taking her to see her consultant.'

Are you apprehensive?

No, no, because there's nothing you can do, is there?

Anne is very philosophical.

You're amazing.

What can you...? Not being dramatic, what can you do?

She just might turn round and say, "You're pregnant!"

I mean, what could you do?

What'll be will be, Heather.

Actually, first of all, madam, I'm going to have to ask you this question.

Can you tell me, when did you last have sexual intercourse?

Well, I think it were this morning. Now, I don't know his name...

but he were doing...posting, um, Focus magazine through.

And he said, "Are you bored?" I said, "Yes, I am."

So he said, "Well, I'll sort you out."

A very nice chap, you know.

'Six months after the operation, the rest of the family were getting on with daily life.

'For me, it was a different story.

'The constant check-ups at the hospital wiped me out.

'Even getting up and down stairs was a massive struggle.

'My muscles had become totally useless.

'So, I ended up in bed, almost all day, every day.'

It's interesting, when you think health's the only important thing.

And it really is.

But I do feel like I've been having everything that I've known stripped away, taken.

So, health, strength, money, house,

independence, identity...

-I'm Robin Hood!

-I'm Robin Hood!

Oh, I'm Prince John. Are you not Prince John?

-No.

-You be Prince John.

-No, you be Prince John.

I can ride round Sherwood Forest now. Neigh!

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen... #

-I'm going to steal your money!

-# ..Robin Hood, Robin Hood And his band of men... #

'Never thought I'd think I don't have the energy to fight any more.

'I always really loved the fact that...I worked really hard and I was a fighter.'

Well, there we go.

That'll be interesting, won't it?

SHE LAUGHS

Who's this?

Robin Hood!

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... #

PHONE RINGS

# ..Feared by the bad Loved by the good

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood

# Robin Hood. #

Oh, no, what's all this about?

You're the sheriff!

-Well!

-Bad sheriff. You're locked in prison.

You're locked in prison, Sheriff.

Get out of bed, Sheriff, and then you can fight me properly.

Do you want me to fight you properly?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

You'd better get out in the back garden, then.

You'd better get out there!

It's not all bad, is it?

Bless him.

That's great.

I enjoy the moment.

That's what I need to remember - enjoy the moment. Enjoy the moment.

Come on, then.

Robin wins!

No, the sheriff got you!

'Jack was so full of life.

'It reminded me of number three on the list -

'the importance of filming the ones I love.'

Sheriff got you, oh, and you lost your hat!

Yay!

'But, as time passed, that was easier said than done.'

I mean, she should actually say - I'm saying it to her camera now...

You should actually say, "Would you mind...?".

Yeah, would you mind if that stopped running while we're having dinner?

-Because, you know...

-Well, if it ever makes it into anything that we can see,

-we can always sue her, say she didn't have our permission.

-No, correct.

'I was beginning to think I should just scrap the list.

'I didn't think I could achieve any of it. It wasn't helping,

'it was making me feel like a failure.'

I kind of want my old life back.

But then I didn't... It wasn't...

It was too much for me, but I don't know what to do.

SHE SOBS

And I can't talk about it because everyone thinks

you should just fucking pull yourself together and get on.

And every time I try, I just end up in bed again, back...ill.

I just can't stay here.

I can't stay here.

I don't know why I keep getting like this.

I really do need to get some help.

But it's bigger than I thought.

Oh, Dad's home now, so, better turn off,

seeing as he doesn't like me doing the filming anyway -

he thinks it detracts from me getting better.

The fact of the matter is it's the only thing that stops me going doolally.

Anyway...

I've got these for Big Anne, Heather.

-Who are they for?

-I just said, they're for Big.

'I was feeling really guilty about the impact I was having on the family

'and decided to move out.

'By now, I wished I'd never had the thyroid cut out.

'I didn't care that they wouldn't have discovered the thyroid cancer.

'I'd bought a little cottage in Rochdale years earlier.

'I'd never wanted to live in it, but now it was my refuge.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's my fucking dad.

Just not going to answer.

Can tell from the knock it's him.

Just can't...

..face them at the moment.

Well, particularly can't face them at the moment.

JACK: # One green bottle Hanging on the wall

# One green bottle Hanging on the wall

# And if that green bottle Should accidentally fall

# There'd be one green bottle Hanging on the wall

# One green bottle Hanging on the wall... #

So, it's time to give up.

'Thinking about blood. And thinking what's pain really about?

'And thinking would it really hurt that much?

'Or looking at my loft ladder and thinking it'd be quite easy just to jump out.'

# No green bottles Hanging on the wall. #

JACK: 'It's finished!'

'I was really desperate,

'so I went to see my family doctor.

'He said having your thyroid out often caused acute depression.

'I chose counselling over antidepressants.

'The weekly sessions focused on me getting to face up to my mortality.

'I found I could do that best with the people I really trusted,

'especially Big Anne and Mum.'

You look like, bloody, er, Edward Scissorhands.

Or Freddy Krueger, Nightmare On Elm Street!

Cells are turning cancerous, but I haven't got to make a decision,

because it's too much of a risk.

'Anne was amazing. Despite what she was facing,

'she was so full of love, laughter and naughtiness.'

What'll be will be. I'm not one to hang me bleeding self.

I'll probably get hit by a bloody car after all that!

That'll be my luck, won't it? Be knocked down by a tank.

Something like that! SHE LAUGHS

Eh?

After all that mithering... SHE LAUGHS

Right, let me have a look at your nails now.

-What's sexy and winks?

-Go on...

She's a ray of sunshine and she's my dearest, dearest friend.

She's the one that needs me, of course, she's ringing me, asking me to do stuff,

cos she knows that I've been really suffering.

'She's making getting up...'

..feel valuable.

'I really needed a deep talk with my mum.

'Southport Beach is where we used to have family outings with my nan.

'When Nan died, I buried my grief and we hadn't really talked about coping with,

'and facing, death.

'But now, I knew I had to.'

So, Mum, what do you think about, when you think about Nan now?

-I wish she was here.

-Yeah.

I wish I could talk to her.

I'd like... Silly things.

I'd like her to be able to put her arms round me again.

-I don't think that's silly.

-No, I know it's not, but, you know, at 62,

you should be past that. But I don't think you're ever over your mum putting her arms round you.

-Well...

-And my mum used to do a lot.

-Can we stop?

-Yeah.

-This has made me realise that, actually, we all die.

-Course we do.

And we never live realising we're going to die.

We just think we're going to be here for ever.

And, actually, we should live every day like we're going to die tomorrow.

You know I think that anyway.

But I don't think you do it.

-You don't do that.

-I think I do it more than a lot of people do.

Mm.

-All right, then.

-OK, darling.

-Yep.

Thank you for a lovely day.

Ah, you're welcome. Thank you for everything.

'I was learning big lessons from Mum, Anne and also from Jack.

'Maybe, I thought, if you savour their outlook, you'd live a better life.'

Are you digging really deep?

No, I'm not digging really deep, darling, I'm trying to make it flat.

I want to see Great-Grandma.

-Is she under the stone?

-Yes.

And, of course, she's not alive now.

I want to see the look of Great-Grandma.

Well, you can only see that now from photographs, chick.

Can't you?

There's a photograph in your house on the wall

of Great-Grandma in our garden.

Jack?

Here you are. Let me just get it in focus.

Now, look in there.

There you go!

-Am I doing it?

-You are doing it!

What do you want to ask me?

How are you?

I'm OK, thanks, darling. I'm OK.

You know I used to come to Great-Grandma's grave

and it used to make me cry.

But I'm OK today.

But why did you cry?

Cos I miss her.

I miss her.

So much.

-I've done my film now.

-Thanks, darling.

-You can film something of me.

Oh, what would you like me to film of you?

There are lots of people who have died, isn't there?

Sorry, sweetheart?

There are lots of people who are dead, aren't there?

-Yeah.

-There's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds!

-Mm.

-And Great-Grandma's one of them.

-Yep.

Take that, die, that!

My bucket list is...

as long as you've got food there, piece of bread on the table

and water from the tap,

you won't go hungry, will you?

Mm?

Think of them literally that queue up, day in, day out, with babbies, for a drink of water.

-Mm.

-Mm?

Yeah.

What'll be will be.

-What did you think when they first told you about your leukaemia?

-I don't think of it, me.

I honestly don't think of it until I go.

Till I literally... Because if I did, my head would be in the oven and not to take the meat out, wouldn't it?

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Oh, no.

-I mean, I don't think about going...

-I don't want to go. Don't kid yourself.

-Say that again.

-I don't want to go, don't kid yourself. I'm a creaking gate.

-I won't be taking one step to heaven.

-No.

You won't let it make you kick the bloody bucket, will you?

No. We want to know where they get your wigs from, cos they do wigs, you know.

Yeah, they do wigs you can buy. They're beautiful.

-So, she'll be name on the front row for a nice wig.

-Um...

What if I get my hair cut and make you a special ginger one?

Oh, I don't want to be a gingernut!

Bloody hell!

Hot-nobs here, eh?!

HobNobs is here.

I want a blonde.

If you see a blonde I can scalp, eh?

Oh, Anne, I've had a lovely time. Thank you, darling.

You're like a good fairy.

'I was beginning to feel more positive.

'I even felt strong enough to start again on my bucket list.

'When I chased the hospital,

'they agreed to give me back a little bit of what they'd cut out.'

There we are. So, Heather...

That's you, preserved for eternity in a wax block.

-So, I can take it?

-You can take it. Our gift to you.

That's a first - I've never given a person their organ back,

part of their body back,

to keep as a memento, a keepsake.

Wow.

-So, there you are, you're unique. The first person.

-I'm unique and that's unique.

-Exactly.

-My little chicken livers are unique. There we go.

My little chicken livers.

-Do you think I'm a bit bonkers?

-No, I don't think you're a bit bonkers.

I think you're completely bonkers! No, no, not at all.

Course not. We all deal with things in a different way, don't we?

I do know someone who had breast cancer - and recovered from it, thankfully -

but she changed her name. She said that person is not, I'm now a new person.

-Just changed her name.

-Wow.

-I guess that's what this is about, though.

-Mm.

That's what that's about.

It's about putting it up and going that's it, that's the end.

-That's the old.

-Mm.

Thank you very much.

CLATTERING

-Oh, crikey!

-Oh, no!

Er... Bike sheds. Must be able to get to that, somehow.

-OK.

-Oh, no!

-Good luck.

-Thank you!

-It's the rats you have to worry about...

-Don't!

'All that for a set of keys.

'But I owed him one.'

Ah, well done, well done.

-There's not any other goals, no?

-No.

-Yeah, I didn't think I'd end up here.

-HE LAUGHS

-Thank you very much for that.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

'As my list was coming to life, so was my lust for life.

'With my specimen and the help of a good friend,

'I started on an artwork and back in Rochdale,

'I found a local line-dancing group

'with the coolest heel-clickers around.'

Forward and back, and forward and back and...

It's like anything else - when you can do it, it's easy.

'But finding love's not that easy.

'Big Anne said, "Get down the social club, you're bound to meet some nice men in shirts there."

'I thought maybe online dating was a better option,

'so I called my girls in to help me sell myself.'

Maybe this could be the other part of the profile - "looking for willing line-dancer".

And you know what, Heather? They might like lassoing

and then you could put, "You could lasso me!"

Well, I think it's got to be a strong person.

You can't be with anybody who emotionally hasn't got any backbone,

because you'll just mother them.

But go forward, go and explore, be light-hearted.

Go and explore, meet people, go and enjoy it.

Just do that. Let them see how fun it is to meet you.

Go on, H.

I've got a voicemail. I'm going to hear it.

Johnny Depp. He's always phoning me.

Um...

He knows a pirate.

-Interested?

-Yeah.

'Finally, after a couple of years of increasing my thyroid medication,

'the doctors were happy we were getting there.

'I still had down days...

'..and up days

'and I was managing to do much more,

'but as I was moving forward, Big Anne was getting more poorly.

'She'd become the most important person in the world to me,

'so I dropped everything.

'I did her shopping,

'I cooked her pasta and taxied her to and from her consultations.'

But she's really not well today.

Really not well at all.

It's just really upsetting.

Having not had the cells in her breast removed,

she's having more problems now with her bowels

and she's having an endoscopy

and, erm...

I think ultimately she thinks

that now she's got cancer in the bowel

and this is just the stuff that reinforces what I...

It's really hard for us to...

..cope when there's an association with cancer of any kind.

MUFFLED CONVERSATION IN BACKGROUND

-Hiya, Mum.

-Hiya, darling, are you OK?

-Is she a bit tearful?

-Er, no, but she's had enough, Mum.

-It's just so unfair for her.

-I'm worried about her psychologically,

-which I haven't been before obviously.

-Yeah.

-Well, she's tough, isn't she?

-Mm.

-Did they talk to her about how they're going to do it?

-Yeah.

James, the young doctor showed her what they were doing with the camera

and where and that there were lots of polyps. I don't know.

-My instinct is that it's just everywhere now.

-Mm.

I didn't tell you what she said to me, though.

She said she's never been right after having her thyroid out.

Never right.

I thought, "Oh, 'eck!"

-Oh, we really think the world of her, don't we?

-Yeah.

Centre view.

Yeah.

-Never easy.

-Let's do something now.

-Upset?

-Yeah.

'I'd learnt so much from Big Anne.

'She helped me define what I wanted for my new life

'and what I'd toss aside from the old.'

Anne coped with pain in her own life.

And God recognises that. He thanks us for our perseverance.

'I don't believe in God, but I do agree with the vicar's words -

'pain does hurt...

'but it can also make you stronger.

'Anne hadn't been afraid of anything or anyone.

'She's give the Vs to the Grim Reaper

'and I was feeling the same way.

'Now I could face up to the future.

'I still live in Rochdale,

'but not for much longer.

'I'm going to move somewhere, but I don't know where.

'I've finished my story and now I want to tell other people's again.

'And what about the list?

'The boots - they're tricky,

'but I'm not giving up.'

Maybe I could take the, er...

Nah, they're not working.

-There's a pirate up there.

-There's a pirate up there.

And?

He said to tell her there's a pirate up there.

And what's he got waiting for me at the top?

-He's quite ugly, he's got no teeth, he's got a hook.

-And a treasure chest.

-And a treasure chest.

So it's worth getting up there now.

I've got my treasure anyway, this is it.

'Other dreams on the list are about savouring the now.'

I can't believe I'm doing it!

I can't believe I'm here.

Yay!

I'm filming a giant turnip.

And absolutely wonderful sight...

'Even Gordy, my dad, has taken to filming sometimes.

'And as for having kids, what do the latest tests show?'

If you do become pregnant, then your requirements

for thyroxin will go up,

and then go down again.

-The recent bloods all good?

-Yes, everything's fine.

So do you think I'm going to be madness-free

and with children in the future?

-What do you reckon?

-I-II'm sure that the future is bright.

'So if I ever find love, maybe Jack will have a cousin one day.

'One thing's for sure.

'I know that whatever's thrown at me, I'll deal with it.

'I can honestly say that I'm not afraid of anything any more,

'not even death.'

-What are we doing up here now?

-I want you to open this.

-Oh.

-It's not FOR you.

-All right.

Oh, it's not for us. Just open it, but it's not for us.

Careful. Right side up.

Put it up against the window.

SHE GASPS I know what it is!

-It's the thyroid, part of her thyroid.

-Oh, bloody hell. Is that what it is?

-Wow!

-It's a work of art, this.

-Yeah, it is.

-A living legend.

Does Tom Cruise have all these problems?

'And every day I can get up, look at my cancer

'and say, "Morning! Now bugger off!"'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd