Survivors: My Friend Sam - Living For the Moment Storyville

This programme contains strong language

So, how would you describe yourself?

I'd say I've a bit of a good repartee.

I think that's fair.

Certainly not athletic.

Not athletic.

Partially sighted.

Mmm-hmm.

Er...

With a few other problems.

Mmm-hmm.

For instance, does she have to be a West Ham supporter?

That's a difficult one, isn't it?

As long as they don't support Millwall or Chelsea.

OK, no Millwall supporters.

MUSIC: "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge

I know of no-one who's as consistently pleased to see you as Sam.

He's never so full of his own concerns that he doesn't have time

to talk or joke, and an encounter with him invariably cheers you up.

This is not a small virtue and it's a rare quality.

Sam Frears.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I've been going to Sam Frears' birthday parties

'since he was a child.

'Our families have always been close,

'coming together for birthdays, Christmases and football matches.'

APPLAUSE

I'd like to propose a toast

to Sam Frears!

EVERYONE: To Sam Frears!

LAUGHING, SINGING AND CHEERING

'Sam's birthdays are always special

'because he was born with an extremely rare genetic disorder.

'It meant there was a strong chance he wouldn't make it to the age of five.'

# Happy birthday, dear Sam Happy birthday... #

'What I find so moving about Sam is his determined refusal

'to dwell on his own disability.'

-Doc!

-Doc!

Hello!

-Hello!

-Hi.

DOOR BANGS

Mustn't demolish the doors.

I go out and meet friends for breakfast, for lunch.

I see people every day.

Phew, I've got a very busy social life...

Phwoar!

..and I don't keep anything written down, which I should.

Normal people do, but I use the old head.

'I've always known that, in a way, Sam is enormously privileged.

'No money worries,

'his mother is the editor of The London Review Of Books,

'his father a famous film director, and he's nestled in the bosom

'of an exclusive North London literary world...'

You're a luvvie constantly. Mwah, darling.

'..whose members have become his extended family.

'And yet, somehow, Sam has always seemed to me to be apart from them.

'The disorder Sam suffers from is called Familial Dysautonomia or FD.'

Oh, God, not another doctor.

Not another one, please, I don't want to go back to another hospital.

Here we are again.

'This condition, which only affects Northern European Jews,

'has damaged his nervous system and his eyesight

'and makes swallowing liquids almost impossible.

'Many sufferers don't live beyond the age of 30.'

Now that I'm in my twilight years,

I feel like I've got to get my life moving.

Just want to share things with one particular person

and that's what I want.

It's what a lot of people out there want.

That's the frustrating thing about getting older

and still living at home.

Time's running out.

I just want one person that will be there for me.

And I'll be there for them.

COUGHING AND WHEEZING

I'm like a flower, if you know what a flower is like.

When they've got no water in them, they look floppy, don't they?

They look like they're going to faint or they're going to wither away.

And what do people do?

They put water in them, don't they? And suddenly, they spring up.

And that's what it's like for me.

I can't drink as much as other people can do,

cos water goes down the wrong way, whatever I'm drinking.

Once I do my fluid, like a flower, I spring into action.

There's life in this old dog yet.

# I'm forever blowing bubbles! #

-I'm not in the mood for pizza.

-Not today?

-No, that's what I always have when I go there.

-That's quite true.

I've had cheeseburger, turkey burger, chicken burger...

Hamburger. A West Ham-burger.

-The West Ham game kicks off at two o'clock.

-Two? Lunchtime.

I don't know why.

'It has always amazed me that over the years,

'Sam has surrounded himself with a group of people

'who have come into his life in many different ways.

'Inigo, for example, is an old friend who now lives with Sam

'and Sam's mother in their family home.'

# We have sun We have seasons in the sun. #

Do you have seasons in the sun?

How long does it take to bring chicken?

The chicken pie? They make a very nice chicken pie here, Sam.

-But they begin from scratch.

-They have to go out and get the chicken?

Yes, they have to go and get the chicken.

'Sam actually has a great gift for striking up rapports with people.

'He's somebody who recognises he needs a partner for most things.'

That's what he gets people to be when he likes them

and when he's comfortable with them, and then that person becomes

a figure in his life, in some way or another.

I say, how are you doing? Chicken pie for Sam.

-Strewth!

-Oh, lovely. Thank you very much.

Napkin here, knife there,

chicken pie there, phone over here,

spectacles and ketchup.

Thank you very much.

Is it very, very, very hot? Just look upwards.

Cooler now? Maybe. Where would you like the ketchup?

-In the pie?

-Yeah.

'The more he does for himself, the better.

'It's like, sort of, batting in cricket,

'where there's a sort of subtle'

partnership goes on,

where you think of what the other batsman can do and can't do,

and you're aware of them in that way and it just, sort of, happens.

My shoelace has come undone. It's too difficult.

No, it's not, it's fine.

Nice one, Sam.

Coming along very nicely.

It's 200 for 3.

-Stop it.

-300 for 5.

-Sod it. I'll be all right.

-Are you going to be OK?

-Yeah.

-OK. Let's have a look.

Bingo, it's going to be fine.

Let's hope so.

Oh, no, I've come the wrong way.

-Hi, Sam. You all right? Do you know what the time is?

-Yes.

Only half an hour late! Come inside.

Right, let's give you a stretch.

SAM GASPS

Who needs enemies when you've got people like you around?

Your poor little knee.

Right, relax, let's give you a nice stretch.

Imagine Joanna's standing there.

JULIAN LAUGHS

'Part of his charm is he seems like he's from a different time

'in some sort of way.

'He doesn't have the pressures that most adults feel they have -

'earning a living, paying the mortgage,

'paying the bills. "I've GOT to be here by two.

'"My next appointment is at three."

'Sam doesn't have any of those pressures.

'And I think possibly that's why he places so much importance

'on the relationships that he has in his life.'

On your feet.

'And for us, the training is one aspect of it.'

We have breakfast every week as well.

And you just slowly, I suppose, blend into each other's lives.

What's he doing?

-Boxing.

-Oh, yeah.

'He's always had a few women who really like him

'and they become really good friends and the women think,

'"That's all we are, we're really good friends."

'But, for Sam, it's a lot deeper.

'Perhaps he does seem to set his sights on women that are unattainable.

'I don't know whether he realises that, or not.'

-Hey!

-Hey.

-Number one fan.

-Yeah.

-Hi, darling. Good to see you.

-How are you?

-Good, we've made it. All a little stressful.

You're going to have the pleasure of witnessing

some of the rehearsal process.

That's right, kids, today we're looking at love.

We're going to look at one of the all-time classics

Romeo and Juliet.

Joanna means a heck of a lot to me.

She came by for dinner 18 months ago, two years ago,

and that's when I started being friends with her.

And then I started going to her show -

The Shirley and Shirley Show.

# Hello, hello, baby, you call I can't hear a thing

# I have got no service in the club you say, say. #

Such a great person, has a great personality, great sense of humour.

She likes the same sort of things I do. We have a lot in common.

And if there's anybody I'd be stuck on a desert island with,

it would be her.

LAUGHTER

-Did you enjoy that?

-I did.

-Are you going to stay for a drink?

Umm, yeah.

OK, I'm going to go back, get undressed and other,

-pack up my stuff and then...

-I love the hair.

Thank you very much.

You're a sweetie! OK, cool.

-You know, I, on and off, do things for Chicken Shed Theatre Company?

-Yes.

Can I ask you to come with me, so I can show you around,

see where I used to do my thing?

That would be an absolute honour. I'd love to chaperone you.

Thank you.

-Consider it a date.

-Thank you.

-Let's shake on it.

I know how you go back on your word.

-Let's do it.

-Yeah. I know, there's only one thing I have to tell you.

-Do you know where it is?

-Chicken Shed, I can, sort of...

I can imagine it's not desperately glamorous.

No, it's in Cockfosters.

Lovely, Piccadilly Line, I know it well.

Don't think I haven't made a few jokes about Cockfosters in my time.

-Who hasn't?!

-Who hasn't? Indeed. Let's do it, Sam.

Come on, give us a cuddle.

Well, he was born on a Wednesday

in what, I would think, was rather a difficult birth for Mary-Kay.

And there was something odd, it was all to do with feeding.

I think he wouldn't take milk.

When he was five days old, he choked and they rushed him away

and there was a very long time coming back.

And then, after that, I was always very anxious that he would die.

I mean, it's so frightening having a child that young be so ill.

It was that nobody quite knew what was the matter with him

that was so distressing.

He had these episodes.

His temperature would go up massively

and he would vomit

and vomit and vomit.

He would stop breathing,

and that's the terrible bit.

My father, who was a GP...

..I remember saying to me he didn't think he'd get to 20.

He got lots of chest infections

and you'd put a catheter up his nose and suction stuff up.

It was incredibly anxious making and at the same time,

you know, I'd go to work and everything.

I didn't have the stamina to just be at home with it.

You know, all that hitting on the back to loosen the stuff

and then pulling, literally sucking it out of his lungs.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't do it

because I couldn't, sort of, face it.

I'm a baby, I'm a coward.

What time do you call this?

# O, come, all ye faithful... #

Got any money for a blind man, sir?

No, not for lazy...

Lazy Greeks.

All I can find is tablespoons, not teaspoons.

That's what you wanted. You want a teaspoon.

I know, I can't find them.

Try the dishwasher.

Found one.

All right, here we go.

# Here we go, here we go Here we... #

Oh, no, it's decaf. Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no, I put it in a glass. Oh, shoot.

I'm going to have to start again.

-Can't get the staff...

-Suppose it'll be all right if I do this.

-Just pour it from the glass into the mug.

-I'm doing that now. Keep your wig on.

I find that remark very offensive.

-No, you don't.

-How do you know?

Because I've known you for nearly 20 years, 20 years...

Yes, yes, 20 years.

When we first met, a pint in The Crown was £1.65, roughly.

That was in the '80s - late '80s.

It's now nearly £3. It's nearly £3 a pint, now.

I'm going to turn into Victor Meldrew.

Come on, West Ham!

Come on, West Ham!

COMMENTATOR: Try to move the ball forward.

Still goalless, but they're very much in the ascendancy...

'One of the best things about my friendship with Mark

'is putting up with our beloved team from the East End of London.'

For fuck's sake!

'Looks like it's not going to be West Ham's day.'

'I used to hate football when I was growing up.

'I used to hate the noise and I used to make people leave early.

'But in '93, I went to a game at Upton Park with Mark

'and we won promotion to the Premiership

'and I didn't mind the noise.'

'And a lovely ball, Henderson scores!'

-Here we go.

-Here we go.

'West Ham look to the linesman's flag, it was never raised.'

Well, it should've been raised.

'We've been through a lot.

'I don't really say how much he means to me,

'but he means a great deal to me.'

Let's turn this shit off.

Come on. Fuck them.

We don't want a fucking Israeli tosser.

-He has to go.

-He has to go. Fuck him.

The referees don't like us, though.

No, the referee... With Manchester United connections.

What do you want to do?

Find a bridge and jump.

So, yeah.

Too depressed to do anything.

TV BLARES

TV: It's Malcolm...

LAUGHTER

-'They're going to make you a prince!

-The Prince of Cumberland.

The Prince of Cumberland.

'I've been acting on and off for about 27 years now, I think.

'And I'd love to do more acting.'

I feel like this has helped me a lot.

This particular film.

And I want to do more

and show people that I've become a better actor, thanks to this.

TV: Wait a minute, did you say King?

If you could look into the seeds of time

at which grains will grow and which will not...

'I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I don't know how I can improve.'

I probably have done something wrong, I could've done better, yes,

but, for me, I couldn't decide what I did wrong.

TV: Yes, it was said, myself would be the route,

and father of many kingdoms.

But hush, no more...

-Do you think he knows we're here?

-Yes, he does.

Try and look down again for me, if you can, Sam. Very good.

And straight ahead once more. Yeah, great.

Great. Sit back again for me, if you will.

And how's the eye?

Nothing's changed. I mean, some days, my right eye is good,

-some days, it's not so good.

-OK.

-In terms of vision or redness?

-Blurriness.

-OK.

-OK, so it varies?

-Yeah.

-OK, good.

Can you see what I'm showing you now?

-One.

-Very good.

How many now?

-Two.

-OK.

-Was it three?

-Try now.

-One. Two!

-That's it, if they move a bit, it's easier, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Can you see a change now?

-Yeah, a four.

Yeah, that's right. Very good, well done. Right, great.

'The optic nerve fibres are gradually'

losing their function,

so that the message from the eye to the brain is not transmitted,

and that is associated with a gradual decline in visual function.

Having FD is totally and utterly shit. I mean, it's absolute crap.

Some days, I feel absolutely pissed off and angry.

And you just want to lash out at somebody.

My eyes are buggered and it's a total nightmare,

but I have to accept it.

Those are the cards you've been dealt.

Stephen left when Sam was about 18 months old.

She was left to it and suddenly, I was straight in the middle of it,

and I was very happy to be there and in love.

But with this came the realisation that

this was a 24-hour thing with him.

Meanwhile, there was Will.

We both had bikes with training wheels and we would ride them

and race around the block in different directions

to, sort of, meet back in front of our house.

At some point, I could suddenly ride a bike,

and there was some Sunday when I went,

"Oh, I'm going to ride my bike without the wheels now."

And I did.

And that's the last day Sam ever rode his bike.

Sam, when young, was quite manipulative

and so, you were so fucked because every year,

when it was Will's birthday, Sam would be ill, unfailingly.

I remember it very clearly.

It just, sort of, seemed like,

I would like some more attention, please.

I mostly remember complaining about the injustice of it all.

Sam developed such a complicated, charming and devious personality.

I mean, he's no saint!

Underneath it all, of course, he's had a struggle the rest of us

can only imagine.

Whoops.

-Oh, shit.

-Be careful, popsy. Can I help?

You're not doing it too good.

-I don't know, hold on.

-It's OK.

-Can you hold that, please?

-Yeah, absolutely.

The tube is here and we've lost a bit when it...

Maybe it is going slightly...

Yes, it is now going down, I beg your pardon.

No, no, I beg your pardon.

It's now entirely dispersed.

Now, I want to ask about this friend.

SAM LAUGHS

You've got so many and they're all women, so I'm jealous.

-But what's the story?

-She's called Joanna.

-Joanna?

-And she does a thing called...

-Hold on, wait a minute, darling.

OK, I want to know about Joanna.

She does a thing once a month at the...

oh, God, Albany pub on Great Portland Street.

Good Lord. That was once an absolute hellhole.

-Is she lowlife, or what?

-Yes.

She used to be Harold Pinter's secretary.

Good Lord. You could write a play about that.

SAM LAUGHS

-And you took a shine?

-Yeah.

Oh, nice one. Very good.

-So, our old manner.

-Yeah.

It is an extraordinary thing, I can see the distance,

just to bring you in on the picture, almost Hammersmith. I know.

And then, Earls Court, and then there's the North Downs.

-The GPO tower...

-We walked up here on Christmas Day.

-We did, we certainly did.

With your three daughters, and they did a runner.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

One of the many pleasures of knowing and loving you, Doc, is your memory is so good.

I was thinking about this on the bus today.

'When I was living there, he and I became mates,

'and that's really the journey to him becoming my friend

'has been, I mean, really something at the heart

'of what I really care about. And that's what's happened.'

-Doc.

-Yeah.

-I'm fucking cold.

-Let's go home.

-Are you fucking cold?

-Yeah, I'm fucking cold.

-Good, let's fuck off.

They're a bit twizzly. Be careful.

I don't know if it's best you put your hand on my shoulder.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah.

-Nearly at the bottom.

-Hold on, one more. That's it, very good. You all right?

-Yeah.

Then in here.

So, you coming on Saturday?

Saturday? Yeah. We'll come for a bit.

-Cos neither of us are big party animals, as you know.

-Yeah.

-How many people are coming?

-There should be about 45, 50.

-Oh, right.

-But I doubt whether everyone will show up.

-Well, I don't know, there's normally quite a good attendance.

-Yeah.

The more acting you do the better,

and the more varied things you do the better,

but obviously, you're limited to what you can do,

but at the same time, anything that widens your experience is good.

Are there any acting places around here?

I don't know. You're more likely to know than I am.

I mean, I'm a recluse, I don't know.

But are you looking forward to it?

Yeah, getting back on the saddle, as they say,

getting back on the horse.

ALAN LAUGHS

Do you have no, do you have no...

..dread of it? It doesn't scare you at all?

Learning lines scares me,

but once you've... Like when I've done plays at Chicken Shed...

I don't think I would be able to do it.

Cos I was never wholly an actor. I wrote, as well,

but just waiting for the phone to ring must be soul destroying.

-Yeah.

-But then, that's a good thing

-if you have something else to do, as well.

-Yeah, it's true.

Finding things to do.

And not getting frustrated sitting at home.

# Mr Frears has sticky-out ears

# And it made him awful shy

# So they gave him medicinal compound

# Now he's learning how to fly

# We'll drink a drink, a drink To Lily the Pink, the Pink, the Pink

# The saviour of the human race

# For she invented medicinal compound

# Most efficacious in every case. #

-Hi, Uncle Sam.

-Hi!

-Welcome, Sam.

So, why did West Ham play so badly in the second half?

I don't know, I got too stressed.

-Cheer up, man!

-I am. I'm a happy person. I'm a happy bunny!

-Is there any onion tart?

-Any onion tart?

-That's what I had when I came here two days ago.

-Oh, my God, you come here every day.

-Take care. See you, boys.

-Bye, Sam.

-Hi, Sam.

-Hi.

A bit different.

# Big fat, big fat Frank Big fat Frankie Lampard! #

I'm very, very fortunate in one way and very unlucky in another way.

But I want to feel like a normal person.

I mean, I do feel like a normal person,

but I want to feel more human.

-Are we going to see a film?

-Yes. What are we going to see?

-I don't know.

-Is there anything shitty enough for us to go see?

All my friends seem to be happily married

and seem to be enjoying themselves

and I just wanted to find out a bit about what that was all like.

Two and a half years ago, I had this friend who found out this place -

Royal College Street in Camden.

It's where gentlemen go for some R&R, as they say.

Once I did it the first time,

I went backwards and forwards quite a few times.

Royal College Street made me experience the better things in life

and sexual fun and games, if you can call it that.

And I enjoyed the ride, as they say.

But, no...

I don't want to have to go back to that place.

I want to meet people without having to worry about...

Well, you know.

You just want that person who you can share things with

and have a laugh with and cry with.

And yeah, hold each other.

That's what you want.

Someone to share things with.

Someone to love.

-Look.

-What's up?

-I packed you some biscuits.

-Thank you. Aren't you sweet?

I am, I am. Although you insisted you didn't want any,

I said you will want some later,

you said, "No, I don't want any biscuits."

So easily led.

We're going to this place called Chicken Shed Theatre Company.

What are we going to see when I get there?

Hopefully, they'll let us walk around the stage where I did my classes.

Am I doing this right?

Oh, no. Hang on. Joanna! Hold on.

Oh, shit!

Is that more the right one?

Yeah, it is. It's the right one, sorry.

-Yeah, yeah, it's going down now. Cool.

-Yeah.

Are we going to the dance studio?

Exit.

-So, we'll just go in the side here.

-Oh, wow.

-Here we are.

-Luke, could you possibly open both doors?

Thank you. So, here we are.

This is right nice!

-I did loads of plays, didn't I?

-Oh, yeah.

-On this stage.

Absolutely. You absolutely did.

And your piece de resistance - A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Which I know you'll talk to Pete about.

I've already been telling Joanna about how many times we did it.

Yeah, yeah.

Erm, here, Peter Quince...

Doth the moon shine...

Doth the moon shine the night we play our play?

It does shine that night. I can't...

By larking pirates...

Doth the moon shine the night we play our play?

-It doth shine that night.

-Yes!

Yes, it does.

It does.

I found it very hard because I couldn't remember all my lines.

It shows how long it's been since I said any of those lines.

I don't think you let anyone down.

See, when you play Sam Frears, you can get away with anything.

It's all your lines, isn't it?

It's all my lines.

-Was that your hand on my bottom, Sam?

-No, it's your hand on mine!

Oh, shoot!

You don't want sympathy, you just want people to be proud of you.

You just want to feel good in your self.

I've got to try to become a proper professional actor.

Try and get out there, try and get noticed by people.

You want to say to people, "Yes, I can do that".

Not through who my parents are or things like that,

you want to be able to do things for yourself.

That's what I want.

MACHINE BEEPS

Wicked.

Thanks. I got a phone call from Chicken Shed

-on that day after I spoke to you.

-And they said?

-They asked me if I'd like to do it.

-How many lines have you got?

-None.

-None?

-None at the moment.

-You wouldn't get Morris there.

-I know!

So, how long do we have to wait before we come and see you?

-March.

-March?

-But I might not be here.

-I know.

-Oh, dear.

I might not be here. Anyway, that's very good, Sam.

Very, very good.

It's exciting stuff for me at the moment, Dad.

I'm quite excited.

All right. Are you standing up?

-Yeah, I've got to stretch my legs.

-But I haven't paid the bill.

THEY SING

Reaching up!

We started rehearsing last week to do a play called The King's Web.

I think I've still got the energy to do this play

and it's good to be back in the saddle

because I've not done any acting since the film I did last year.

So, it does feel good to keep working,

to do things and keep your foot in the game.

-Was that all right?

-Yeah. Well, I don't know.

-It was good, yeah.

-It was all right.

It's part of my routine - going to hospitals,

even if it's just for a couple hours.

It's something I have to bear with, and here I am doing it.

A thing called a gastrostomy tube

and it can be changed only once a year.

-Hey, Sam.

-Hi.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

You going to cope? Let's go.

One year, Mum couldn't come, so Julian offered to come.

I like him being there.

-You feeling all right about it?

-Yeah.

It's kind of routine for you now, isn't it?

-Yeah, but I start feeling a bit nervous.

-I know, I know.

-Do you want to follow me, Mr Frears? I'll take you through?

-OK.

Here we go.

Are we going straight in?

No, no, no. Don't panic, you'll be fine.

OK. Do you want to have a sit down or a lie down?

I don't know. I'll have a sit down.

You feeling all right?

I wish they'd come in and do the things.

I want to get this thing moving.

Good luck, Sam.

-You just relax, Sam.

-I want my mum, I want my mum.

It's fine. Just hang on to his hand. He likes lots of reassurance.

-I can't feel anything.

-OK, you're doing well.

-You're fine, you just relax, relax.

-What's happening?

I'm giving you some sedation now, OK?

You relax there, Sam. Just relax.

So, we'll push that in there.

Then, we have to feed it

-through the tube.

-Argh!

-Try and relax.

-You're doing really well.

OK, so we've got it in there.

Can I just have another little...?

-I want it out!

-Deep breaths.

-We are taking it out now.

We're bringing this tube out there now.

Just a little discomfort.

That's the old tube we've taken out. You see, it's very discoloured.

You've done very nicely.

We're going to push in slowly through the little hole,

just very gently.

Good, now, that's nicely in now.

That didn't upset you too much, Sam? Not too bad?

-No milk for me.

-That's yours. Let me give you a little stir.

PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

-I'm not answering that.

It might be Kylie Minogue.

I'd love to see you and Kylie at it. I mean, erm...

-Sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

-You're Mr Smooth, you really are.

Well, you and I could do Especially For You, a new version.

You've got to do an Australian accent.

You know when they start, they start like this, don't they?

And then they go - # Especially... # Can you do it?

# I wanna let you know what I was going through... #

No, stop it, stop it!

# ..All the time we were apart I thought of you...

BOTH: # You were in my heart! #

You can't hit those notes! I can't remember the words.

I think they do a twirl, there's definitely a twirl.

I'll make it up. # ..And the loneliness inside

# I want to tell you it's not... #

-I said I'm playing Jason!

-I thought you were playing Kylie!

Oh, no, oh, no. Look, a stand-off. Two Jasons.

No, I was, I was. I'm teasing.

-And then, it's around.

-Yeah.

-Beautiful.

I'm sure they did it a lot smoother!

I'm not a very good dancer.

Neither am I we'd make a great couple on the dance floor.

And then they wrestled to the floor, and it's another show altogether!

# ..I wanna let you know what I was going through

# All the time we were apart I thought... #

I'm trying to do my Australian accent.

# ..You were in my arms

# Now that I'm next you... #

-Solo!

-I can't do it!

Solo, your solo! It's your moment.

I can't do it! Oh, come on!

No, don't put me, don't put me. I can't do it either, I can't do it.

I never realised how badly you sang, actually.

I didn't quite realise you sung that badly.

No-one's heard my singing before.

-Happy New Year!

-Happy New Year, darling!

Oh, my God, it's crowded.

Oh, my God.

Drug squad and everything. Excuse me. Thank you.

Do you want that deli or the Italian?

-But the deli don't do proper food, does it?

-No.

I mean, everywhere's going to be busy, anyway.

We've been walking up and down the street like a pair of tits.

Keep your hair on! Oh, sorry, you ain't got any.

All sandwiches are served with French fries. But I want chips.

-Same thing.

-No, they're not.

The difference between a French fry and a chip

is French fries are thin, chips are thick.

What a load of baloney!

-They're like you - thick.

-Taste like normal.

Thank you.

-Ketchup, please. I got served first, I got served first!

-That's not fair.

I got served first!

How do you know it's yours?

-She didn't say, did she?

-I can see the egg.

Ah, you see, your eyes are working perfectly fine.

This is fun.

So, you've gone off Royal College Street now then? Got bored of it?

Yeah, I think I have.

Come on, spill the beans, then.

-In your own time.

-Because someone said that...

..I can't have a relationship if I go to Royal College Street.

What's the thing with you and Joanna, then?

We're just mates.

We're just mates.

I got the impression that she was teasing you.

-Yeah, you said that.

-Yeah.

-But I think it takes two.

Well, she's a bit of a flirty bird, ain't she?

I'm not a flirty bird, but I'm a flirty bloke.

You don't seem to be, er...

You've got nothing to worry about when it comes to her.

I know what you're like, Sam.

I know what you're like, from college and stuff.

I know how you get attached to people.

And it's just a natural... It's natural for you to get...

You see her quite a lot, you know. I know what it's like.

You get feelings for someone, but it's only on one side.

But it's cool that you're friends, though.

It's really good.

I've always done stupid things with other women in the past.

I've always mucked everything up.

I should have learnt my lesson like that.

I don't want to ruin that thing of being friends with her

and thinking you can get somewhere else.

I know I can't go there

and I've got to accept that we're always going to be mates

and that's all I want cos I know nothing else will ever happen.

How's it going?

It's going well, it's going fine.

-I'm dreading this.

-Why?

-I don't know.

-It's just another crap party.

No, just another party. I don't know. It's like work, you know?

-Hello, Sam.

-Hello.

-How you doing?

Well, my eyes, some days are blurry and some days are not blurry.

And when they're blurry, I can't see that well.

-It's only voices that let me know where I am.

-OK.

-Down and back.

-Two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

Five to go.

..12, 13, 14.

Nice one, Sam.

-I've learnt my lesson when it comes to women.

-You have?

-Yeah.

Don't trust them?

You can lose someone you care about...

..due to the fact that you're...

..you have feelings for that person

and you think just because you get on well with someone all the time,

you think you can have a relationship with them.

Yeah, it's hard.

But then, if you don't try, then nothing's ever going to happen.

I'm not going to do it - ask her.

I can't... I can't...

Three, four, five, six.

I can't handle losing another friend.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Especially a best friend, like her.

11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

We have such a good, funny relationship.

It would knock it for six if I...

You have to decide what you're happy with

in relation to her.

You know, sometimes, things just develop or they don't.

Yeah.

-It says make sure it's true.

-Yeah.

And remember, it's supposed to be fun.

A funny story or poem or collection of comments.

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre!

Then, you want to put in your ideal partner.

For instance, does she have to be a West Ham supporter?

-Er...

-That's a difficult one, isn't it?

-As long as they don't support Millwall or Chelsea.

-Right, OK.

No Millwall supporters.

Someone said, "How do you think Joanna will feel

"when you're starting this new adventure?"

But I realise that, much as I'm very fond of Joanna,

I know that nothing will ever develop.

So, I've got to broaden my mind and try and meet some women another way.

Does the age matter?

-Around about my age.

-About your age.

-Don't mind a bit younger.

-Right.

A good sense of humour.

-Yeah, a sense of humour is important, isn't it?

-Yeah.

So, how would you describe yourself?

Ambitious, not arrogant.

Not arrogant, that's good.

I'd say I've got a bit of a good repartee.

-I think that's fair.

-Certainly not athletic.

Not athletic, no.

-OK.

-Partially sighted.

-With a few other problems.

-Mmm-hmm.

OK. Well, you might get an e-mail next week with a lady saying,

"I'd like to meet you at a restaurant of your choice."

The ball's in their court.

Well, still in my court, but hopefully, it'll be served over.

The ball's in your court, but you need to knock it over the net

-and see if it comes back.

-Yeah.

-I think it'll be worthwhile.

-Let's go for it!

-You'll be very successful.

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Yeah, it's an adventure and this is the first step.

-You have to go out there.

-Get yourself out there.

Have we got enough time for all the melons?

Yes, at the rate we're going, we'll soon be through them.

People say to me 39 is a good age.

The only thing about 39 is you realise you're nearer to 40.

I get very nervous before parties.

First thing, you get worried that no-one's going to show up.

You don't want to be one of those sad people sat alone looking at the CDs.

I'll see what happens with internet dating.

There's somebody there for everyone.

I'm getting older and I don't know,

maybe I've grown up going for the girls that I know I can't get.

-Are you ready for your public, Sam?

-As ready as I can be.

As long as I've got my little fellas with me - my little Valiums.

Do you think I should take them? I think I might, actually.

I don't know why I'm nervous, but I am a bit.

I shouldn't be.

But I am.

Started feeling a bit...

Right, let's go.

-Hi, Sam! Happy birthday!

-Happy birthday!

-Thank you.

-Oh, look at that!

-West Ham!

-Thank you.

-There you go, darling.

-Hello!

-Hello! Nearly a rhyme.

-How are you?

-I'm all right, Alan. How are you?

-How was...?

-Hang on.

-New York?

Hello.

DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll go.

-You'll go and get it?

-Yeah.

Hey!

DOORBELL RINGS

I told you, didn't I?

Yeah, all right. I'm not deaf!

I need some Valium, man!

-Happy birthday!

-Thanks.

Hopefully, what will happen is I'll do this play at Chicken Shed and it will be a real hit.

I feel like I can do it cos I'm feeling healthy and good in myself.

So, I want to do a lot more.

Hopefully, West Ham get out of relegation. That might not happen!

That would be fantastic.

Looks like everyone's having fun.

# Happy birthday to you! #

I feel unlucky because I've got this illness

that stops me doing things that I want to do.

But then I feel very lucky cos I've met so many extraordinary, nice people in my life.

I've got some very good and dear friends who I owe a lot to.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I need somebody, I can't...

-Michael!

-Go on, Doc!

-One, two... One, two, three!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

It's been a pleasure!