Tabloid: Sex in Chains Storyville

Once upon a time, there was a little princess,

the most beautiful princess in all the land.

Her hair was long and blonde,

and her eyes were as brown as the dark waters of the river

which ran by her castle.

But the little princess was unhappy, for she was lonely.

Someday, she would find her kind, handsome prince,

and he would sweep her up on a big, white horse,

and he would take her away and marry her.

And they would live happily ever after.

Hi, I'm Joyce McKinney, and that's from my pending book,

A Very Special Love Story.

First of all, were you surprised to be put in prison?

I really didn't feel I'd done anything wrong.

I still don't feel I did anything wrong.

Um...

I would never do anything to hurt Kirk Anderson, or slander him.

In fact, in my book, um...

My book is handled in a very tender, nice fashion.

It's not a porno story

like these crazy newspapers have tried to make out.

It's a love story.

You know, and, I mean, I would never do anything to hurt him

or to cause him any harm.

At all.

And the way that they threw me in prison

and tried to act like I was some sort of criminal,

and present this image over, was really what got to me.

My life started out in a small town in North Carolina.

I was one of these girls who was going to meet an all-American guy,

and get married, have a little Leave It To Beaver house

with a white picket fence, and just have a great little life.

Started dating very late in life,

didn't start dating till I was, like, 17,

was in an accelerated programme for kids with high IQs...

'How high was your IQ?'

-168.

-SHE GIGGLES

I hadn't been out in the world much.

Till I went to Utah.

You know, I hadn't been around much.

'But there were a lot of men attracted to you.'

Well, I guess so, I don't know, I'm not that vain,

you know what I'm saying?

But I wasn't looking for just any guy. I wanted a special guy.

I wanted a special guy.

And he had to have certain qualities.

There are plenty of guys out there, but I wanted a special guy.

I met this professor and he said,

"Well, I've got these perfect guys for you,

"and they're just your type, Joyce."

"They don't smoke and they don't drink and they're clean-cut,

"you're just going to love 'em,

"and why don't you come over to my house and meet them?"

KNOCK AT DOOR

They were Mormons.

They didn't tell me what Mormonism was all about.

He didn't say, "We're a group that believes that Jesus was a polygamist

"and was married to Mary Magdalene."

He didn't say, "We believe that God lives on a star named Kolob."

He didn't say,

"We believe that black people are cursed with the Mark of Cain."

They made me think they were a church.

They made me think that they were family-oriented.

And so I was drawn to them as a young 19-year-old teenager,

like a moth to a flame.

I was just so happy to go to this place

where I thought that I would have my pick

of just all-American friends, people.

Husband material, I guess.

I had a Corvette,

and I had a big Old English Sheepdog that loved to ride the Corvette.

And I had a good friend, her name was Marilyn Clark.

There wasn't anything Marilyn didn't do.

Smoke, drink, have sex with Hell's Angels,

I mean, this is a wild child. We were exact opposites.

She used to call me Holier Than Thou McKinney because I was so straight.

We'd cruise the pizza parlour,

and we decided to cruise down to Frosty's ice cream parlour,

and I noticed this really handsome guy driving alongside me,

also in a Corvette, white Corvette.

And he kinda looks around at me like he's watching me, and I thought,

-"Whoa, he's cute!"

-SHE GIGGLES

And, uh, I kept on driving, and Marilyn goes,

"Hey, McKinn, he's following ya!" and I go, "He is?"

So I let him chase me. He was quite aggressive.

He pulled in beside me and cleared his throat,

then he goes, "Like your car."

"Well, thanks, I like yours too." He goes, "I really like yours better."

-I go, "Want to drive it?"

-SHE GIGGLES

When I met my Kirk, it was like in the movies.

When the girl comes down the stairs and their eyes meet,

when Juliet looks at Romeo and then, pew!

That's how it was.

He had the most beautiful blue eyes and the sexiest smile,

and he always had the cleanest skin.

Kirk Anderson was very big, rather flabby, 300 pounds, six foot three.

Not an athletic or attractive-looking man

in the accepted sense of the word, with a very shuffly kind of walk.

The last person in the world that you'd think would be the object

of this kind of strange sexual passion.

He had known Joyce McKinney in Salt Lake City,

and she had fallen in love with him.

Fallen in love with him, become obsessed by him.

Cos that's another thing about Joyce is obsession,

I mean, she just obsesses about things.

I don't know what the details of their relationship was

in Salt Lake City, but they obviously had some kind of romance

or love affair, because if one's to believe Joyce at all,

he had promised her a family and children.

He actually told me he loved me the first night I met him.

And asked me to marry him the second night,

and then the next thing I know, we're naming our kids.

And we were going to name them all with Js and Ks,

J for Joyce, Ks for Kirk.

Joshua, Jacob, you know, we had the names picked out, Kyle, Kirk...

And I remember he took me home to meet his Mormon mother,

she was this big huge woman, about 350 pounds, in a tent dress,

and she took one look at me with my little beauty queen figure,

and her eyes went up, her eyes went down, and she goes,

"She doesn't look like a Mormon to me."

From the time I was a little girl, I was in pageants.

It gave me the chance to develop myself

to be the best person I could be.

With my looks,

with my talent,

with my personality.

The pageants gave me, as a small-town girl, the chance to perform.

'So Mom thought you were too sexy for him?'

I guess she thought I was too pretty, or something.

Kirk and I were just ready for the big wedding,

and everything was happy, the only problem is,

I was wanting to get married in a Christian church,

he was getting pressure from the other side,

and so one day he vanished.

Into thin air. I don't mean he left me, I don't mean he abandoned me,

I don't mean he left me for another woman,

I mean he evaporated into thin air.

He wasn't the kind of person to just run off like that.

His things were still at my place, and... You know?

It was just weird.

I did what any American girl would do

if her fiance vanished into thin air.

I looked for him.

I went to LA and I worked three jobs

trying to save up enough money to get a private investigator

to find out what happened to him.

The private investigator found him in England.

The Mormons had him.

All young men in the church, from the time that we're young boys,

were indoctrinated to prepare to go on mission.

We sing songs like "I Hope They Call Me On A Mission."

CHILD'S VOICE: # I hope they call me on a mission. #

You leave as a boy, you come back as a man.

For Kirk, when he reached the age of 19,

he doesn't get whisked away from Joyce,

he's just fulfilling his religious, spiritual responsibilities.

Joyce knew where he'd gone, and set up this plan

with her strange, unexplained friend, Keith May,

to come over to the UK.

I had a really good friend from Torrance, California,

who was an architect, and his name was Keith Joseph May.

Everybody called him KJ.

KJ was like my big brother, and he said to me,

"I don't want you going over there to England by yourself,"

he said, "You don't know what they're going to do to you."

All I knew was this powerful group had done something

to the man I love.

We got two bodyguards to go with us,

one was a big guy that was a kind of bodybuilder guy,

and the other was a pilot.

I was interested in something a little bit more exciting

than what I was doing.

I saw an ad in the newspaper,

they wanted a pilot to fly short trips in England.

And it sounded kinda interesting to me.

So I called the phone number and a gentleman answered,

and an appointment was made for the following week.

I was expecting to go to an office or something like that,

but it turned out to be an apartment building.

DOOR BUZZER

I was taken in by a gentleman by the name of Keith.

And after I was there for a few minutes, why, Joyce came out.

'Tell me about that first meeting.'

Well, I was favourably impressed,

she had a totally see-through blouse on.

I can even remember the colour, it was a light brown,

totally see-through blouse.

-'No bra?'

-No bra, see-through blouse.

She was very, very easy to talk to,

at one point she came over and sat down next to me.

I was trying to perceive what type of relationship existed

between Keith and her at that point.

Perhaps, maybe down the line,

I might want to ask this girl out for dinner, or something.

Joyce had a trunk that she brought out,

and in it were folders, pictures, tablets,

letters from a private investigator in England.

She then unravelled a story to me that was just unreal.

Joyce had hired bodyguards, she told me, from Gold's Gym.

She was going to put them up while they were there in England,

and they were going to liberate her fiance from this cult group.

In the back of my mind,

I was trying to figure out how she could have all this money

to take all these people to England.

She told me she was a model.

I didn't realise models made that kind of money.

We actually hired some guys to go with us,

from Los Angeles, in case we were attacked or anything.

I didn't know what was going to happen,

I didn't know what I was going to be walking into.

I didn't know if they would release him willingly, or... what.

I didn't know if they would do something to hurt me.

I didn't know.

Joyce called me and wanted to know if I would fly her someplace,

in an airplane, locally, for dinner.

That sounded pretty good.

I though it might possibly be an overnight trip or something,

and I was more than up for that.

But when Joyce showed up, much to my surprise, Keith was with her.

I felt this was a time that I could try to make a determination

on how real she was, and her financial ability.

So I did rent the most expensive airplane that was possible,

single-engine, a Beechcraft A36 Bonanza.

When you're in an airplane like that,

you have to give them a credit card,

and they lock in the approximate amount it's going to be.

Joyce didn't have a credit card,

but she did bring out an envelope filled with hundred-dollar bills.

TILL RINGS

That brought me a little bit closer to realising,

maybe she has the money to do what she wants to do.

So we flew down to San Diego, we had dinner, and we flew back.

'Didn't stay the night?'

-No, no. Keith was with her, and so...

-HE CHUCKLES

That was... Three people there. That's not for me.

'I take it that you were attracted to Joyce.'

Yes.

She was in her late twenties, had an outstanding figure,

had a Southern accent, long blonde hair.

Any heterosexual male would be attracted to Joyce.

Prior to our departure from the United States to England,

they wanted me to meet the bodyguard.

His name was Gil.

Gil would come to their place, I would come to their place,

then we would go down to the beach.

Then they told me the beach they were going to was a nude beach.

Well, I'd never been to a nude beach,

so that really slowed me down a little bit.

Joyce spread out a blanket,

and proceeded to take off all her clothes.

Totally.

Very quickly, three to four guys showed up around the blanket,

and started taking pictures.

I don't know where they came from.

Joyce protested, tried to stop them,

she claimed she was a model

and she didn't want photographs taken of her.

After about 15 minutes, Joyce put on her clothes and we left the beach.

And so we met at Los Angeles International Airport.

Keith May was there, Joyce McKinney, Gil Parker and myself.

First off, Gil Parker had a problem when he went through customs.

They asked him what his occupation was,

and he told them he was a bodyguard.

And they said, "For whom?" and he said, "For Joyce and Keith."

Well, that put up a red flag at customs, and they pulled him out.

Well, that scared Gil right there.

Then on the second day, we were in a motel room together,

and Joyce had a lot of baggage.

I've never seen anybody travel with so many bags.

They took out wireless microphone and listening devices.

It surprised me, I wasn't sure what they were going to use it for.

It was something you could probably just have carried through customs,

but they had it inside of a portable radio.

Well, when Gil seen this, that about did it for him.

That was when he called me outside

and said he wanted to go back the next day.

The private investigator had told Joyce

two or three different places where Kirk was at,

and Keith was going to go into some of these places

where this cult group was supposed to be,

ask questions, and it would be transmitted out to Joyce in the car.

Wirelessly.

Keith May and I, we wanted to go out a little bit on our own,

but Joyce was keeping us so busy, we couldn't.

-So one day...

-'Keeping you so busy?'

Yeah, driving places, checking out places, walking places,

she had this wig, this wig she called Matilda,

and she'd wear this strange wig when we'd go out driving sometimes,

and sunglasses, and any time we'd go down near these churches,

where they were trying to find out

if Kirk was going to be at that church,

or if that was the one he frequented,

she'd have that wig on.

We were across, in front of a building,

out come two young men dressed in suits, a tie and a white shirt,

and she told me, "There is Kirk."

Well, I was totally surprised, this was nobody being held captive,

and that's when Joyce kinda levelled with me.

She showed me a bottle of chloroform,

and I'd already seen this phoney gun they had.

I was going to be no part of any of this, and I told her that.

So she arrives with Keith May, lurks around, waits around,

outside the Temple of whatever it was,

the Latter Day Saints of something or other,

waited for this huge, shuffling figure to come out,

with his short Mormon haircut,

and pointed a gun at him, and said, "Get into the car."

In the final analysis,

the one way they were able to make contact with Kirk,

Keith called him and told him he wanted to convert

to the Mormon religion.

And they thought they had a new convert.

Now, I'm not sure this is an exact scenario,

but at that point, Keith used the gun to get him out to the car.

GUN CLICKS

'So you drive up in your rental car with KJ.'

I waited and KJ went in,

because they're not supposed to be in the room alone with girls,

so KJ went in and said, "Joyce is in the car."

And Kirk turned around and he gave the keys to his companion and said,

"I've got to go and get something, I'll be right back."

KEYS CLINK

'So he goes out with KJ?'

Yeah.

And didn't come back, and this poor old dumb companion's sitting there,

staring like he's catching flies, looking out the window,

waiting for him to come back.

SHE LAUGHS

He got in the car, and he goes, "How long have you been in England?"

Like a robot.

He was almost speaking in a monotone voice, and he'd go,

"They said you didn't love me any more."

It was like he had a personality alteration.

Kirk Number One, and Kirk Number Two.

-Kirk number One was the man I fell in love with.

-BIRDS TWEETING

Kirk Number Two was Cult Kirk.

According to all the reports of the time,

he was driven 250 miles to a cottage in Devon.

She had a suitcase full of all the equipment required,

including, I gather,

some Los Angeles Police Department Smith & Wesson handcuffs.

HANDCUFFS CLINK

He was taken in and chained to...

Joyce claims it was ropes, not chains, but chains sounds better.

Anyway, he was allegedly chained to the bed,

first by his ankle, so that he could actually reach the toilet,

the chain was long enough for him to get to the toilet.

Subsequently, with the help of Keith May, was spreadeagled...

Spreadeagled, this wonderful bondage word,

-was spreadeagled to the bed.

-EAGLE CALLS

-WHIP CRACKS

-And Keith May discreetly left the room at this point, I think.

Closed the door behind him, and Joyce had sex with him.

And she said to him she was going to go on having sex with him

until she found she'd missed a period,

and then would hopefully be pregnant by him.

'She wanted to be inseminated?'

Yes, I think that's the right word for it.

Kirk and I went to this cottage down in England,

I think they called it the Devon area down there.

Real Franco Zeffirelli,

you know, like Brother Sun, Sister Moon-type shots?

If you saw that film, that's what it looked like.

FILM SOUNDTRACK: Hey!

You shouldn't have come!

But I knew you would, I knew.

I had to tell you, and I don't care if the whole world knows it!

From now on, I'm not asking to be loved.

I want to love!

OK, if you can get that vision set in your head, Mr Film-maker.

'How did you find this place?'

Well, I was looking for someplace peaceful.

Where he could normalise.

Someplace where he could...

..come back to Kirk Number One.

I had a big fireplace, patchwork quilt,

silk sheets, blue to match his eyes, with his initials on it,

cinnamon oil back rub, cos he loved my back rubs,

and all his favourite foods in the fridge.

'What were his favourite foods in the fridge?'

Oh, I had chocolate cake,

and southern fried chicken, he loved my chicken, mashed potatoes.

I made everything that he wanted.

I was like his little, you know...

Wifey, almost.

We were slow dancing.

He got turned on as we were dancing.

I'll be blunt, he had an erection, OK.

And, uh...

We sat down on the bed, and he said, "Can you give me a back rub?"

And I got the cinnamon oil, which I had warmed,

and I was giving him a back rub, and he had these ugly garments on.

I said,

"How am I supposed to give you a back rub with this Mormon thing on?"

And I ripped the ugly things off, because they smelled, you know,

and they had those occultic symbols,

and I didn't want anything ugly there, in our beautiful moment,

you know?

It was like a honeymoon cottage.

And we burned them.

We actually burned 'em.

-And...

-'You ripped off his magic underwear...?'

And I put it on the fireplace, where they belonged!

Where they should put 'em all, as far as I'm concerned.

There's folk stories galore, legends,

of the temple garment protecting people from harm.

The hooks, the psychic hooks of the Temple are so high and so deep,

that even people who don't go to church any more still wear them.

Because, in the back of their mind, like, "What if I don't wear them?"

"And then Satan's got me!"

Kirk was impotent, he was sexually impotent.

Because of this, uh, brainwashing.

He's not supposed to have sexual feelings,

he's not supposed to have emotional feelings.

He's not supposed to fall in love.

And we were in love.

He loved me and I loved him.

I know there was only one way to get Kirk out of Mormonism,

and that was to make love with him.

Because for a Mormon missionary to have a love affair is totally taboo.

They can't be in a room alone with a girl without a companion with them.

To even shake hands.

So if it took giving up my virginity in a romantic moonlit cottage,

so be it.

I just wanted him out of that cult.

We started to make love, and all of a sudden,

he jumps up on the bed like this, and he goes,

"By the law of the holy prophet Joseph Smith,

-"I cannot touch my body or the bodies of other...

-SHE BABBLES

"Hold the Book of Mormon firmly in hand. Sing a Mormon song, sing a Mormon song."

Because he's turned on. And he's not supposed to be.

And I go, "Hah!"

I've come across an ocean to find him,

and the Mormons are in our bedroom?

That, that moment, when his garments are coming off,

that could have been a moment that, like, "Oh, my gosh!"

"Oh my heck," as they say in Utah.

"I'm doing something wrong."

I went back in the kitchen and got myself a real cold glass of water...

'Does he still have the erection while he's chanting?'

Well, I came back, to be continued, I came back in there,

and I'm thinking, "Am I doing something wrong?"

He started to cry. He had ejaculated, I guess.

He said, "Please don't tell 'em about the filthy place,

"what happened at the filthy place."

And I said, "Honey, what's wrong?"

He goes, "I don't know."

I mean, every guy on the planet masturbates and has wet dreams,

and I ask him, I said, "Honey, don't you have those dreams guys have,

"or whatever they're called?"

He goes, "Yeah, but I didn't tell them in the interview."

I go, "What interview? They talk to you about this stuff?"

He goes, "Yeah, once a week, they take us in rooms by ourselves,

"and they say, M1, M2, M3, M1, M2, M3"."

I go, "What's that?"

"Masturbation once, masturbation twice, masturbation three times.

So many times, you're out.

You're extra-home, you're off your mission, you can't get married in the Temple.

I go, "Kirk, these people are controlling your sex drive,

"they're controlling your mind, they're controlling your food,

you can't have coffee, tea or Pepsi-Cola.

It was a Christian marriage manual which I bought, which explained...

sex to young virgins.

There was a section in there on sexual impotence.

Im-po-tence, I-M-P-O-T-E-N-C-E.

And it says, sometimes if a guy was very repressed,

sexually, which poor Kirk was, Lord knows,

that you could tie the person up and they could just, ahh, let go,

you know, "I can finally let go and make love."

-And so I went and I read that section really quick. Speed-read it!

-SHE LAUGHS

And I came back and I said,

"Honey, we're going to try some of these exercises."

And so we did.

We made love, actually, for three days,

we sort of, like, didn't get out of bed.

It was a honeymoon, was what it was, for me.

I wanted us to have a good sex life, I wanted to be a good wife to Kirk,

and I wanted to give him lots of babies in my tummy.

I didn't look at sex as a bad thing with him,

I looked at it as a melting of two souls.

Because when he kissed me, it was like we melted into one person.

It was like...

I didn't know where I stopped and he began.

We were lying there holding hands,

and his little missionary glasses were kind of askew,

and he goes, "I guess we're married in God's eyes."

I go, "Yeah, we are."

He says, "I guess we've got to make it official."

He said, "Let's go into London."

"And let's get married."

CAR STARTS

We took the rental car, we went into town, to London,

and we saw Trafalgar Square, they had, like, pigeons,

we fed the pigeons, and so I said,

"Oh, Kirk, they've got this cool cafe I want to take you to,

"it's called the Hard Rock Cafe."

And there were cops running around everywhere.

What do they call them, bobbies, or whatever. British cops.

If Kirk felt kidnapped at any time, he could have said,

"Hey, this little pint-sized girl here has me kidnapped."

"Can you please help me, Ossifer," but he didn't.

Kirk says, "Well, I'm going to go over across the street

"and get a newspaper." So he went over, by himself.

Got a newspaper, came back to the table,

slammed that newspaper down on the table,

he's white as a ghost.

And we said, "What's wrong?"

It was so shocking.

It sounded like Scotland Yard was after us or something.

And I'm sitting there with my, quote, kidnapped victim,

eating a burger.

With a hundred people in a crowded tourist restaurant.

Kirk said, "Well, maybe if I call them

"and let them know I'm alive and OK..."

He says, "Ah, they're going to ask me about sex."

"Aah, they're going to ask me about sex."

"What am I going to say? They're going to ask me about sex."

I says, "Can't you just tell them?"

He's, "Oh, no! I can't! Can't tell them we had sex!"

"Oh, they'll excommunicate me. Oh, my mother'll be so mad."

We called his mother, we called my dad,

we called from the phone booth at Trafalgar Square...

COINS FALL AND PHONE IS DIALLED

Kirk said to my dad,

"Mr McKinney, I love your daughter and I'm going to marry her."

My dad said, "Welcome to the family, son."

COINS FALL

When we called his mother, I could hear her screeching across the Atlantic.

"Aah! You've ruined your eternal probation, don't you know what you've done,

"how could you get involved with that girl, you've not had sex with her, have you?"

The mission president was, "Yadda, yadda, yadda, oh, you've been kidnapped, da-da-da."

Kirk couldn't hardly get a word in edge-wise. He'd say, "But I'm really OK, President Eric."

SHE BABBLES MANICALLY

-PHONE HANGS UP

-Kirk hung up, and he goes,

"You know, they've got Scotland Yard and the FBI."

"How about if I just go back in, and you guys stay here

"so they can't do nothing like arrest you guys or anything,

and I go back in and show 'em I'm OK."

And I'll never forget that day, it was a real Kodak moment.

Victoria Station in those days had a beautiful old-fashioned train

that pulled out with one of those, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa...

STEAM ENGINE AND GUARD'S WHISTLE

And the last thing I remember of Kirk Number One

is he got on the train, and he mouthed the words, "I love you."

And I go, "I love you too, baby."

If Kirk went away with Joyce...

..willingly..

..and had sex with her...

..the guilt that would come over him so strongly after the fact

could be overwhelming.

KJ, I turned to him, and he goes, "Don't worry, he'll be OK."

"He loves you. You've got the man you love, what you worried about?"

I says, "I don't know, KJ. Some nagging feeling, I'm worried."

So we went back to the cottage and we packed everything up.

I remember I had my wedding dress,

a pretty white dress I was going to use for our wedding,

put flowers in my hair, also our wedding bands,

with our names engraved inside, they said,

"Joyce and Kirk, he lift thee and thee lift me,

"and we will ascend together."

Even after we grew old and died,

we would rise into the heavens together as man and wife.

This bizarre story began here last Wednesday.

Kirk Anderson, a young Mormon missionary,

was talking outside to a man with a Canadian accent.

He then disappeared.

But early today, he phoned police and told them he was kidnapped,

a blanket had been placed over his head,

he'd been driven to a house where he'd been blindfolded,

and his legs shackled.

When I got back to my apartment in Long Beach,

the landlady called me in

and said the Long Beach Homicide Department had been there,

and they wanted me to come down to the police station.

And that really freaked me out. Why the homicide department?

I don't know.

I told them everything.

Then we went down, had a cup of coffee,

then they asked me to come back and tell them again, same story.

They had tape recorded the first time I said it,

and they wanted to that when I told it the second time,

it was exactly the same story.

Which it was, I told them the truth.

They got kind of a big kick out of it,

considering they hadn't found anything yet, about the whole story.

-'Fanatical Mormon.'

-Yeah, that's what it boiled down to!

I was a Mormon missionary in Exeter, OK, this is in Devon.

And I was at a church member's house,

and they were a younger couple,

and they sort of sat down and told us the whole story of Joyce McKinney and the manacled Mormon.

It reminds me of those cultures that have stories of

the vagina dentata -

the women with the toothed vagina.

They become cautionary tales about sexual impropriety,

the dangerous powers of women.

Women that can seduce young missionary, who are on God's errand.

When young men receive what's called the Melchizedek priesthood,

they're endowed with power from on high,

they go through what I went through - an elaborate endowment through the Mormon temples

where we received sacred underwear and sacred knowledge

of keys to heaven.

You re-enact the Garden of Eden scenario,

and there is an actor that performs Lucifer.

And he says, in a menacing tone,

"Those of you who don't live up to the covenants that you make

"on the altar of the temple this day

"will be in my power."

And one of the covenants that you make

is the law of chastity - that you will only have sexual relationships

with he or she to whom you are legally and lawfully wedded.

'Manacled Mormon Sex Slave wrecks that, doesn't it?'

Completely wrecks that.

If Kirk Anderson was a willing manacled Mormon,

he will have violated his temple covenants,

violated the law of chastity...

What he risks is excommunication from the church,

and, greater than that, unless he repents,

he won't be able to ultimately become a god

and have his own planet.

That's Mormon theology, That's what they're working towards.

I got this weird phone call.

I had an answering service, it said "It's been really crazy here,

"but I've finally got 'em off my back. I still love you. Call me, urgent.

Epsom 25724, urgent.

So I called the number, and some Mormon answered.

"Who is this? What do you want?" Very suspicious voice.

And I said, "I want to talk to Kirk. I mean, Elder Anderson."

So I said, "This is Sister er...Kelmsley,

"calling regarding the baptism for my daughter Millie..."

Millie was my sheepdog. And I knew Kirk wouldn't know that.

And I said, honey, "Where do you want to meet? He says, "About two o'clock..."

I said, "Don't say where it is over the phone. He goes, "OK."

I was worried about an extension phone.

It went further than that, it was a phone tap.

On my way to meet him,

I remember me and KJ were going along the motorway and I'm singing,

"I'm getting married in the morning..."

And I'm so happy - I was just like a young bride on her honeymoon,

I was just so full of so much love for him.

These cop cars ran us off the road, they just literally edged us off the road.

And then, when they threw us up against the police car and said,

"You're under arrest for false imprisonment and carrying away Kirk Anderson,"

I couldn't believe it, it was just like, shock.

The law was required to take seriously

an act involving a woman with a gun pointing it at a priest.

Forcing him - although this was a sort of fantasy -

forcing him into a car,

spreadeagling him to a bed and having sex with him.

I mean, there are so many possible crimes involved in all of that,

and yet everyone suspected there wasn't really a crime here at all.

Scenario number one is Kirk's story - fake gun,

chloroform, kidnapped, tied up, forced to have sex.

The second version is Joyce's story -

They were going to be married and have children.

He needed to escape from the Mormon church.

She goes to rescue him, they rush away and have this magical,

wonderful night, weekend together,

and then they get him, they brainwash him,

and all of a sudden he's claiming rape.

The third scenario, is something in between.

There was a consensual aspect to his getaway with her,

but then somewhere along the line

he had second thoughts.

And he wanted it to stop, and it didn't.

'Do you think a woman can rape a man?'

No. I think that's like putting a marshmallow in a parking meter.

A guy either wants to have sex or he doesn't, he has an erection or he doesn't.

She spent about three months in Holloway Prison, the famous woman's prison in London.

There was a little sliding door that they would slide open

with just a little slit of light,

and they would slide it open maybe once a day and say

"Are you ready to sign a confession?" I kept screaming, "Please get Kirk."

I beat my fists bloody on this cold steel prison door, screaming "Please, somebody get Kirk."

There was a picture of her in all the papers, looking out of the back of a police van.

She had scrawled on a piece of paper which she was holding up to the press,

"Kirk was cooperative all along."

When I went to the prison library, I got a Bible,

and in the back of the Bible there was two white pages of blank paper.

I was like, God put it there.

I wrote two letters on those two blank pages.

One to my parents, and one to the press.

I put them up inside... I hate to sound gross, but I put one in my vagina and one in my rectum.

I got out the prison van, and I pushed 'em out and I grunted 'em out

and I popped 'em out the window.

And this man saw them, and I go, "Pick it up."

He goes... "Pick it up. Mail it."

Now, I was trying to motion to him - cos I knew he couldn't hear me inside the prison van -

to mail it at the post office. And he goes...

SHE MOUTHS

And so, he mailed it,

and of course the next time I go back for my bail hearing, the whole planet was there.

I asked my lawyer, "If you can't talk, would you let me? Cos I can sure talk."

"Let me tell people what happened."

So I got up there, and I had 'em laughing, I had 'em crying,

I had 'em throwing spitballs at the Mormons...! You know.

Thank God for all those years at drama school! Thank you.

Everyone was just mesmerised by her performance.

I mean, there was no sense of fear or shame or anything -

she just took on the court with great confidence,

and she said, "I loved him so much I would have skied down Mount Everest

"nude, with a carnation up my nose, for the love of that man."

There was standing room only,

there was little old ladies with their shopping carts ogling for places to stand.

The banners outside - Free Joyce, Free Joyce...

These judges with their white wigs sitting there, you know,

unable to comprehend any of this,

and there was nothing in the statute books which would deal with it.

They're so prim and proper, you know.

They wear these little powdered wigs which look like dumb little hats,

and they sit up and down and wiggle on their heads...

One of the questions they asked him was

"Did you ask for a back rub?" And he said yes.

They said, "Was it cinnamon oil she rubbed on your back?" And he goes, "Yes..."

Like he had remembered!

They ask him, "Were you willing or unwilling?"

And he did like that really fast, and looked at the head Mormon right on the front row, like,

"What am I supposed to say?" And the head Mormon went, like,

"You say what we told you to say." Like that.

And he goes, "I was unwilling! I was unwilling."

"Were you unwilling all seven times?"

"Well, I wasn't as unwilling the third time as I was the first."

I wanted him to be strong and say, "Yes. I love her -

"I'm going to tell the truth right now, let's get rid of this."

But he was so scared.

You know, you can tell a lie long enough, till you believe it.

For 55 minutes, Miss McKinney poured out her statement to

an occasionally confused magistrate -

at one point he stopped her and said, "I'm lost."

And Miss McKinney, speaking in a North Carolina drawl,

put the whole case in this way.

Referring to the young Mormon, Kirk Anderson, she said, "He put me

"in prison, to save himself from excommunication and family disgrace."

This was a phoney kidnap, according to Miss McKinney.

Referring to the episode down in the Devon cottage, she said,

"We had three days of fun, food and sex."

By this time the British Isles was on fire

with the Joyce McKinney story. All that was being talked about

in the pubs, and taverns, and restaurants -

"Where were you when you read the Joyce McKinney story?"

It had kinky sex, it had religion, it had a beauty queen, kidnap

at gunpoint, chains, being spreadeagled, it had Mormon missionaries -

there was something in that story for everyone. It was a perfect tabloid story.

I could never understand the public's fascination with my love life.

I'm not a movie star, I'm just a person, a human being

that was caught in an extraordinary circumstance.

The Daily Express and the Mirror were locked in almost deadly combat

over the Joyce McKinney story. And then it all kind of went away until she was released on bail.

And then there was a kind of burst of stuff again.

I was let out on bail to await the upcoming trial to clear my name.

Somebody sent a limousine to pick me up at the prison, and here I exit

the prison, I've got lice powder in my hair and I'm supposed to be this ex-beauty queen!

All the cameras are there, you know, I look like, eurgh...

That was my first taste of the press,

and when I got back to the bed and breakfast,

I started to very quietly get out of the limousine.

I'm thinking, "I wonder who sent this car from prison to pick me up?"

And I was going to go in and hug my mum and dad can say, "I'm home."

All of a sudden the sky lit up with flashbulbs. Suddenly night became day.

I was suddenly a celebrity.

I didn't ask to be a celebrity, I didn't want to be a celebrity...

But it was like a wave, it was like a phenomenimum.

'So what have these last few months been like for you?'

Well, I've been very busy. It's been amazing the way the public

has responded to my case.

I got close to a thousand letters from the British public.

The rest of the time that I'm not answering letters

-I'm working on my book.

-What kind of book is that?

Well, this is my life story, and it's the story of how I met Kirk,

and the name of it is A Very Special Love Story.

I had said something like I loved Kirk so much

I'd have skied naked down Mount Everest with a carnation in my nose.

When I went into the bed and breakfast,

there were pink carnations all over the room.

There were pink carnations in the closet, in the sink,

on the floor, on the bed... Sacks of mail, from all over the world.

People wanted me to autograph their babies' bellies, their elbows..

I got marriage proposals. I got maps with directions to guys' houses

saying "Please come and kidnap and rape ME any time, honey."

It kind of got a life of its own.

I remember I was at a party.

It was an after party for Saturday Night Fever, and Johnny Travolta

was there, and the Bee Gees came over and asked me to dance.

Keith Moon - he was the drummer for The Who - spied me,

and he told one of the reporters "I want to meet the girl."

He was with his girlfriend, there was nothing between me

and Keith, but he came over and he says

"Joycie girl, I'm going to give you a big old smooch."

And that was just getting started.

Peter McKay, my editor, said to me,

"Why don't you hire a Rolls-Royce

"and take Joyce to the premiere of The Stud,

"and upstage the showbusiness element?"

'Was there a chance that you could actually do this? Could you upstage Joan Collins?'

Well, we did. We stepped out of this Rolls-Royce, and the press went mad.

It was as if, I don't know, Marilyn Monroe had got out, or the Queen.

Certainly more excitement than when John Collins got out of her limousine.

She returned home at midnight, like Cinderella.

Presumably Keith May had been packing their bags,

because they disappeared a day later.

'The police had opposed bail, believing that the couple would leave the country if it were granted.

'Since their disappearance was discovered on Thursday,

'the police have kept a watch on all air and sea ports,

'but they were last seen by neighbours on Wednesday evening.'

I never fled, don't use the word "fled". I resent the word "fled", I left.

They went to the airport as deaf-mutes, I gather.

Quite clever, really.

I went and I got the birth certificates of two dead people.

I didn't figure they'd mind. And I got me a travel visa.

I put on a granny wig and I made me a fat suit, like in Norbit?

I said, "Keith, we're going home."

So I dye his hair coal black,

and I made him a little handlebar moustache, and darkened his skin.

I found out there was a troupe of deaf actors

going to the States via Canada. I put some little signs on us,

and it said, "I am deaf, but I can lip-read.

"Please enunciate your words slowly and speak clearly."

I remember the stewardess said, "Get these dummies on the plane."

Someone said, "They'll hear you." She said, "No, they're stone deaf."

We got to Canada,

and it's at night, and they stop us in immigration. I had 13 suitcases, full of news clips.

In the suitcases are hundreds of pictures of me,

magazine covers and all this stuff.

They're going to look at me and say, "Oh. Oh!"

They go, "13 suitcases. You emigrating?" I go...

She goes, "Oh, you're deaf.

"OK, we cannot get our interpreter at night."

She's talking louder and louder.

She gives me a pencil and I write down,

"I tired. May I go now, please?" She goes, "Ah, go on."

Ten days later I was in my office in the Daily Express building.

The telephone rang one evening about six o'clock.

PHONE RINGS

And I picked it up and it was Joyce.

She said that she wanted to sell her story

to the Daily Express for £40,000.

We arranged there and then for me to fly out to Atlanta

and wait in the Atlanta Airport Hilton hotel.

I went to the door and there outside were these two Indians.

Like Indians from Calcutta.

They should've been arrested for bad acting

far more than abducting Mormon priests.

She was having really the time of her life.

There was no sense of anxiety, she was just enjoying it.

And giving us all this nonsense,

a totally sanitised version of the truth.

And we were falling for it of course.

Getting all of it onto these little tape recorders and thinking,

"God, hasn't the Express got a great story here?"

Joyce brought in this suitcase.

It took about three of us to get it in the room.

She just put her finger on the button and it exploded.

All these disguises and wigs and...

Not bondage gear, I hasten to add. Or at least I didn't see any.

I expected the FBI to come crashing through the widows at any minute

because, as far as I knew, we were aiding and abetting a fugitive.

It wasn't clear really what Keith May's motive was

except that he adored Joyce.

And Joyce kind of did, from time to time,

treat him as if he was in some kind of mistress/slave fantasy.

"Down, slave," she would say to him.

"Down, slave! Down, slave!"

She'd say it humorously, jokingly,

but it did occur to us at the time

that this is all the language of the world of bondage.

-I speak as if I'm an expert but I mean...

-'I assume that you are.'

But it's all this kind of master/mistress power thing,

domination thing that seems to run through this whole story.

It seems to be a theme.

Keith had probably an obsession for Joyce just like Joyce had

an obsession for her.

The fact that he was just able to be around her

and helping her where he could satisfied his emotions.

There are tabloids in England that are filth

but top of the list would be the Daily Mirror.

The Daily Mirror, meantime,

had their reporters in Los Angeles digging up all this stuff

about her activities as a...not a call girl but...

Well, I suppose she was.

She was being paid for sexual services

but this was all long before her escapades in the UK.

This was earlier Joyce McKinney history.

They had a tip, I think it was from a police officer in London.

One of our reporters that was covering the story.

He said that it might be worth looking up an address

that we know she had in Los Angeles

and a boyfriend called Steve Moskowitz.

Joyce had been in touch with him from England saying,

"Destroy any pictures. If any journalists turn up, do not talk to anybody."

Steve was very uncooperative when I first met him.

Once he told me that he was still madly in love with her,

I said, "Look, Steve,

"if you want to be by her side for the trial at the Old Bailey,

we will pay a first class air ticket for you

and put you up in a hotel in London so you can be with her.

The next morning,

I'm in a hotel in Santa Monica, 8 o'clock Monday morning,

the phone goes. It's Steve. "I'm downstairs."

He produced six strips of black and white contacts.

There was nothing really that bad on them.

She was sitting on a horse.

They were glamour pictures, as such.

I said, "Look, Steve, this doesn't take us very much further.

"But I will hang on to them. We need more.

"By the way, the editor in London wants me to take a picture of you."

He said, "Can you make it look as if I've not posed for it?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

"He said, "Well, I've got Joyce's car here and I've got Millie.

"I often take the dog out, put him in the car, take the dog for a walk."

CAMERA CLICK

He didn't want Joyce to know he was cooperating.

'So he's betraying her. He knows he's betraying her.'

I don't think he realised how much he was giving us.

It was only when he said to me,

"She placed these ads in a Hollywood free press." Free.

He took us to one of their offices

which had back numbers of some of the ads that she posted in there

and it read...

"Your fantasy is her speciality. S&M, B&D, escort service,

nude wrestling, modelling, erotic phone calls,

dirty panties or pictures.

"Mail your fantasy or speciality to Joey."

I love this bit.

"PS Joey says, 'I love shy boys, dirty old men and sugah daddies.'"

I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I could not believe that that was Joyce advertising those services.

But that was only the beginning because once we had all of that,

we then had to start thinking who's got pictures of all this?

It was only when he named that photographer.

PHONE RINGS

He said, "I don't have a photograph of Joyce McKinney.

"I've no idea who she is."

And I said, "Well, according to a friend of mine and a friend of hers,

"she always came on model assignments with a dog." "Ah!"

He dug out some magazines. As soon as I saw them I said "That's her".

I took that away and thought job well done.

We were getting somewhere.

We went back to Steve's apartment and he brought out a phone bill.

Every itemised phone call Joyce had made from the apartment

in the last three/four months.

Right. Away we went with the phone bill.

Frank and I spent three hours hitting every one of those numbers on there.

Nobody had heard of Joyce McKinney. No idea who she was.

The dog was the link. Always the dog.

It was only when Steve told me that she took the dog with her

that the photographer could put a face to an alias.

You learn when you're famous who your friends are.

When the payrollies come out, the cheque-book journalists,

people that are real jealous or maybe didn't like you or need money...

it's, "Yeah, what do you want to know about her? How much you paying me?"

I had a false friend and his name was Steve and he was a creep.

He had the key to the outside of my apartment

so he could go in and walk my dog.

He broke into a steamer trunk.

I had huge pictures of me in there from the modelling portfolio.

He sold those to The Sun and the Daily Mirror,

both who were in contest to see who could do the worst Joyce McKinney story.

When those Daily Mirror reporters turned up on his doorstep

they turned him and bragged about it.

They sent him and his prostitute crony to Mexico

so that they wouldn't be prosecuted

for breaking and entering my apartment.

We were worried about Steve, that somebody was going to get to him.

So we kept Steve out of the way of all our opposition, in Mexico,

for about ten days until we were finished with the story.

They didn't realise it was to keep them out the way.

He could've made a lot of money by telling his side of the story.

All he got from us was a promise to be at the Old Bailey

when Joyce goes to trial.

We were coming up with more material than you could believe.

Unpublishable material.

Bondage pictures, her wrestling with Thai girls, mud wrestling, nudes.

The service that they were offered was oral sex, massage or bondage.

Laura would have the full intercourse if they paid enough money.

Joyce would do the bondage and anything else they needed,

including oral sex, but that was it.

I said to them, "What happens if this ever got out of control?"

He said, "Oh, we had that fixed." I won't try and get his accent.

He said, "I bugged the dog's collar." I said, "You did what?"

He said, "I put a bug in the collar of the dog."

I said, "The dog went with her on these sexual encounters?"

"Oh, yeah, always, and if it got out of hand I'd be sitting outside

"with a couple of other guys and we would go in."

'Was he sitting in a coffee shop with headphones?'

He was sitting in the car.

Steve was very much in love with Joyce. We asked him if he'd ever

had sex with her and he said,

"Shoot, man, nobody's ever had sex with Joyce."

-That was the quote from him.

-'Nobody?'

Nobody. That was the quote.

When Mike Molloy, who was the editor of The Mirror at that time, asked me

how I was getting on, I said, "It's interesting, Michael.

"You'll be pleased to see what we've got."

"Do you have a picture of her in a swimsuit?"

I said, "Oh, yes. I've got that."

I mean, worms crawl out of the woodwork

when you become famous. Worms, cockroaches!

Mike called me to say, "I'd better let you know that tomorrow

"we're going to run for a week with the real McKinney story,"

and that was the front page - The Real McKinney.

Their front page was going to be Joyce naked but lying on her stomach.

Ours is going to be these pictures of her as a nun.

One paper projecting her as an innocent sweet-natured woman,

a God-fearing, religious woman

who was the victim of cruel circumstances and the other,

The Daily Mirror, projecting her as a kind of manipulating, sex-crazed

part-time hooker.

Somewhere in between, maybe, is the truth.

The Express came and they actually let me tape record what I said,

and they printed it word for word. In that same week,

The Mirror came out with the story.

They had painted a totally different picture of me.

If I was well-educated, they made me stupid.

If I was a virgin in real life, they made me a slut.

We did the fantasy that Joyce wanted promoted

to the millions of English readers.

'Yeah, you became her tool, her sleeve.'

Totally, I became her slave, yes. We were all her slaves.

The Daily Express did buy the story and it was only Joyce's story,

what she wanted to say about the kidnapping.

What she did or did not do with Kurt.

She wasn't going to tell a story about the hooker assignments.

She can't say it never happened

because there it is in black and white.

It was Joyce.

'Well, her claim is of course that the pictures were doctored.'

You don't doctor negatives.

We had the negative, print and the magazine.

Get out of that, Joyce.

The Sun put my head on another person's naked body,

and she was flat-chested as a board.

I mean, the girl was flat in her front.

As you see, I'm not flat in my front.

'So, it was clear that this woman's breasts...'

Were not me.

Those are fried eggs.

-The Sun admitted it was a fake picture.

-They came out and said

this is a composite picture, but The Daily Mirror didn't.

The Daily Mirror tried to make it look like I was a whore.

On the only occasion when I did meet her a bit later,

she said in her accent, she went, "I don't pose nude."

Of course, sitting on the editor's desk

was over 1,000 pictures of magazines and negatives of her

that we already had. She never knew that, of course.

I never took a picture which was really unusual for me.

The only thing I ever wanted to do was photograph Joyce with no clothes on

and I ended up picking up hundreds of other people who did it.

A bit strange.

'Do you still have the photographs?'

Unfortunately, only the pictures

that were published in The Mirror at the time.

The file, which was between 800 and 1,000 pictures,

were all locked up in the safe but unfortunately the Mirror Group

changed ownership and along with a lot of other things,

all that dossier went missing.

We were in the hotel room and Joyce was constantly calling her friend

in north London saying, "Have you seen the papers yet?"

She'd got the newspapers, the early editions of the newspapers,

and had them laid in front of her and was on the telephone saying,

"And the Mirror says this and the Mirror says that.

"There's a photograph of you here with no clothes on.

"And there's another photograph of you here standing on a man in a bedroom."

This is when Joyce freaked out.

She was so appalled and enraged and distressed about all this stuff

that The Mirror had been printing about her,

because she had no idea this was going to happen at all.

She just went crazy. Went absolutely crazy.

Brian realised that he had to stop this conversation

and that she mustn't learn any more because we didn't know

what she was going to do.

He didn't even bother to disconnect the telephone in a civilised way.

He just grabbed the wires and pulled them out of the wall.

He didn't unplug them.

Bits of plaster came out, I remember, with it.

'This is very unusual kind of behaviour though, wouldn't you just hang the phone up?'

Well, Joyce McKinney had it in both hands screwed into her ear.

She's really scary, really scary. She appeared to fly across the room,

as far as I remember, and clung onto the curtains

which partly came away on the rail.

She was completely hysterical.

Then she went for the balcony.

I'd dived after her and grabbed her by the ankles.

I don't know whether she was going to jump off, because if she had done,

I think there were probably tourists on deckchairs underneath.

She would have probably taken them out too so it would have been

very embarrassing, to say the least.

I wrote down and I could see all the reporters milling around outside

trying to get their shot, trying to get their shot.

Even as far up as I was, they were trying to get their shot.

I thought, all I have to do is just climb up on this rail

and just splatter and I will be dead. I'll be in heaven,

there will be no more tabloid reporters ever

to ruin my life.

She went a bit up the wall.

She tried to climb up and jump off the balcony.

"I'm going to meet my maker."

KJ came running in the motel room. He's just, "Don't let them win!"

"If you die, the truth dies with you and nobody will ever know

"what really happened. Nobody will know how much you loved him."

She was screaming, she was hysterical.

She was completely out of control. We got her to a hospital.

We were thinking in terms of a pill of some kind but the nurse appeared

with a large syringe and just stuck it in her.

We wheeled her out in this wheelchair that was provided, unconscious,

and got her back to the hotel.

Her father, this gentle man, came in with his wife,

and tried to put his arms round Joyce.

She just sunk her teeth into his forearm and there was an awful kind

of tussle and he managed to get himself free and there was blood

trickling down his arm. He'd been attacked by a vampire.

Joyce then fled the whole lot of us in her nightie, and we kind of

followed and chased her down and there was this freeway that went past

the back of the hotel with huge trucks and cars whizzing past

in both directions. I remember seeing her run

across this freeway, miraculously being missed by all these vehicles.

Kind of disappearing somewhere into the distance.

Would you believe, McKinney is back.

Joyce McKinney, the "sex in chains" girl arrested.

She kept us all entertained in 1977.

She used to phone me up every day, two or three times for months,

saying, "Lawks-a-mercy, I'll kill myself

"what the Daily Mirror said about me." Seven years later,

she's still pursuing this unfortunate Mormon.

-Can you believe it?

-Oh dear.

'You saw him in 1984?'

Yeah. Yeah, I was at the airport. His overweight Mormon wife saw me

and I guess she was disturbed I was using a public airport.

She went and called the police and said, "McKinney's here, go get her."

'What was his job at the airport?'

I hate to say this but he was a doo-doo dipper.

-'A doo-doo dipper?'

-Yeah.

-'What is a doo-doo dipper?'

That's someone who takes the doo-doo off the back of the plane.

He was married to this overweight women

and they told her to start having kids as quick as possible

so that he would get over me. The fact that I could have

given him children, I guess, was bypassed.

I was kind of glad she was not too good looking. I mean, if she'd been

really great looking, I'd have probably felt awful, you know,

and cried my eyes out.

There wasn't any competition, if you know what I mean.

One thing she had that I didn't have was 100 extra pounds

and she was a Mormon.

She was found lurking outside his office.

I think she was arrested for stalking him or something.

'Do you still love him?'

I'll die loving him. I never got married because of him.

I'm the incurable romantic. You know.

The idea of marrying somebody that I didn't love

and having to sleep with him and have his kids and live

a humdrum blase life with half a love,

I would rather have a short few weeks with someone

who was the star in the crown,

than to spend my life with someone and be miserable.

Love is not a changing thing. It's a steadfast and eternal thing.

It's like an eternal flame. It doesn't just stop

because of circumstances or situations.

It goes on even past death.

It's a very bleak future you paint for yourself.

What is going to happen to you?

Well, first of all, I'm going to write my book and make sure that

the truth comes out, because regardless of what you've heard,

I haven't sold my life story to anyone, to any newspapers.

The only newspaper I have talked to has been The Express

who did the article about my adventures in America,

and that's it. I want my story to be told.

Are you really prepared to condemn yourself, because that's what it is,

-to a very solitary life?

-Yeah.

Today's date is September 25th, 1986.

September 25th, 1986. It is the interior of the McKinneys' house.

The office. This is the office where the McKinney daughter

is currently working on a book. Could you work at this computer

with the Benfield coondogs barking outside your window?

BARKING

My father's trying to take a nap.

BARKING

Outside, both Benfield hounds are barking.

The shot has dented the screen.

This shot made on August 8th, 1986.

There is absolutely nothing around.

This shot shows absolutely nothing in the picture.

This shot made on August 8th, 1986

shows absolutely nothing in the picture.

BARKING

This shot made on August 8th, 1986

shows absolutely no other animals or anything in the picture

to agitate the barking Benfield hound.

It's the same dog, of course, that's been barking in the other pictures.

I finally got what's called agoraphobia.

It's when you can't go out of the house.

We had a big old farmhouse with a river on one side

and woods on the other.

We thought that was, like, a natural barrier to paparazzi

but they would just put on fisherman boots

and just wade right through that river.

I remember one time a woman came on our property

and ignored the, "No Trespassing" sign

and she was just yonking in the window.

Trying to get up to see what Joyce McKinney looked like.

It went on like that for years.

I could barely get out to go feed the horses.

So, finally, I got me this big old guard dog.

His name was Tough Guy.

He was a huge dog, he weighed about 150lbs, solid muscle.

Pit bull mastiff bulldog, jaws like an alligator

and I just put him right out in the front yard,

like, "Come on, boys. Come on!"

One day he got beestung.

These two women that worked at the pharmacy, who didn't like me,

decided it would just be a hoot to add a zero on to that prednisone

on the prescription for Joyce McKinney's guard dog.

Wouldn't that be funny? Probably drive him nutty, wouldn't it?

Well, it drove him more than nutty.

The capillaries in his brain exploded...

but not before he attacked me.

He didn't know who I was.

He amputated, I can't raise this arm up, but he amputated my left arm,

he tore off three fingers on this hand,

he ripped my intestines out of my stomach wall,

he shredded my knee.

From my right knee cap to my ankle. I was bleeding to death.

I was dying.

A few months before this I'd found a little dog by the side of the road,

going through garbage cans. I named him Booger.

And Booger was a little pit bull.

I hit the brakes and I backed up and I got out and I said,

"Could you use a friend?

"I could use a friend too. OK, I'm a softy, get in the car."

So he went, "Rargh, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

He had a little five deep musical bark, Booger did.

"Booger, booger, booger"!

I had taken home with me,

not realising that he was going to be famous some day

or that he would save my life or change the lives,

my life, and the lives of so many people.

The night that this big mastiff attacked me, the guard dog,

I got next door to where Booger was and I said, "Help me, Booger!"

Booger shot out, jumped on that other dog and pulled it off me.

"Rargh, rargh, rargh!" It was a fight to the death and I thought,

"Poor little Booger,

"he's going to give himself in Christ-like love for me."

When I came home from hospital, he sat on the bed beside me

and we healed together, and we formed a bond, a friendship.

Booger was a very special dog.

Not only was he a licensed service dog

but one day he just got up and unlocked the door

and then he started dialling 911 with his paw.

He had a big button phone and I'd say, "Booger, help, dial 911!"

He'd go, "WOMP".

"Booger, I need a towel. Go and get a towel out of the dryer, buddy."

He'd go to the dryer and get me a towel.

"Hey, Booger, get me a pop out of the refrigerator."

He go get me one and he'd so gently carry it,

so he wouldn't last it with his teeth, and drop it in my lap.

He got me through that tough time. For 10 years he was my, my helper.

My beloved old friend Booger passed away in my arms, of cancer,

in April of 2006.

I tried everything in the world to save him.

I took into every veterinary hospital I could.

I said, "You can't die, buddy, you're all I have.

"We're a package deal. You can't die."

It was the last command I gave him, "You can't die."

And he looked at me as if he didn't want to disappoint me

and those eyes, with age-old wisdom, those dark brown eyes,

looked at me like, "Don't worry, I'll see you again.

"This is not the end for us."

I just wanted to go to heaven

and I thought God would just have Booger there on a cloud for me or something.

And I'd had such a sad life, you know, with all the tabloidments,

and I thought, "I just want the hurt to stop and I can't do without him."

Then I heard about cloning

and I thought, "Well, I'll just give it a stab."

I contacted Dr Byeong-chun Lee and asked him if it was possible.

I wrote him a letter in Korean, translated it,

and then tracked down his phone number and he goes,

-IMITATES ACCENT:

-"I can clone your dog."

I said, "Are you sure?!

"I mean, is it possible I could have my old boy back?" He goes, "I can."

Do you ever feel like God?

SPEAKS IN KOREAN

What their plan was,

is to take a little piece of tissue from Booger's tummy,

put it in liquid nitrogen for its safe trip back to Seoul, Korea.

They flew back with the help of Homeland Security!

-Homeland Security guarding these little cells!

-Guarding Booger!

Well, to me it was spirit Booger, that's what we called it.

It was like an orb of light.

It moved along the fuselage of the plane

and people said, "What is that?"

But I knew, I knew it was old spirit Booger.

And I closed my eyes and I said a silent prayer.

And I said, "Oh, heavenly Father, please take care of him."

And it was like he spoke to my heart and said,

"Don't worry, he's with me and he's fine.

"And you, you're going to be fine too because I've got Booger one

"and I'm sending you back Booger two AND a little something extra."

SPEAKS IN KOREAN

This long-distance phone call and it's Dr Hong.

-IMITATES ACCENT:

-"Miss, pardon, what is best news I can bring to you?"

And I said, "We're pregnant?! Oh, we're pregnant!"

And he said, "We are!"

On August 5 I flew to Seoul, Korea.

NEWSREADER SPEAKING KOREAN

Well, I found out what the, "little something extra," was

that Heavenly Father had promised me. There were five!

-Five?!

-Five cloned puppies, all exactly like Booger,

five bitty Boogers lying there like little black jelly rolls,

with half the world press crowding around.

They just looks like a little tiny mini Boogers.

It was the strangest feeling.