Episode 1 The Real Marigold Hotel


Episode 1

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India,

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a country that overwhelms the senses.

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The Garden of Eden must have been as beautiful as this.

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With year-round warm weather...

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and a low cost of living.

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Could this be the perfect place to retire?

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If you'd won the lottery, where would you choose to be?

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I'm going there almost as a child, with my eyes wide open.

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Thank you.

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Inspired by the blockbuster film,

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eight well-known faces are spending a month in Kochi,

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in the south of India...

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Oh, yes.

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Oh! Sorry. Oh!

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..to see if living out their golden years here

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could be a real alternative.

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Oh, my God. I look fantastic.

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-Handsome.

-We started to dance down the street.

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I never thought I would ever do that at my age.

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Whatever, it's new and exciting, I haven't done it yet. Let's do it.

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-And let go.

-Ah!

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Oh!

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But will the challenges of India prove a step too far?

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Calm down, everybody. Chill pill.

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There's something down there that feels like it shouldn't be.

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Or could this incredible country give them real food for thought?

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I can't help being excited by India.

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It's a chilly autumn morning at London's Heathrow Airport.

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At the departure terminal

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is 80-year-old ex-Coronation Street actor Amanda Barrie.

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We've thought many, many times about

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where would be the ideal place where we would retire.

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Well, we have considered everywhere.

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I'm here to audition India to see if it comes up to scratch.

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Amanda, how are you?

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Also on this journey is 67-year-old snooker champion Dennis Taylor.

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How lovely to meet you.

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I'm a big fan of Coronation Street, you know, I used to love it.

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I'm looking forward to it.

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And 69-year-old Three Degrees singer Sheila Ferguson.

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-Hi.

-Oh, my God, how are you?

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Oh, so lovely to meet you.

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-Dennis Taylor, how are you?

-How are you?

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'I'm about to make a move'

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and the move hopefully will be the last move before I'm in my grave.

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'Changing countries is not a big deal for me.

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'I've never been to India,'

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so why don't I give it a crack?

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-Now we're going to be living together for a month, huh?

-I know.

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You think we'll survive it?

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I can't get out of cars any more.

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Next to arrive is 75-year-old former Goodie

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and wildlife expert Bill Oddie.

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-AMANDA:

-Hello.

-How are you doing?

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-This is jet lag.

-It's to stop jet lag.

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Who cares about jet lag? Let's get the Imodium going.

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Hello.

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And 67-year-old chef Rustie Lee.

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-Excellent.

-RUSTIE:

-'Moving to India,

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I really want to see everything for the first time.

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'I want to look at it and think,'

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"Is this somewhere I'd like to live?"

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The other travellers on this Indian adventure

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are 79-year-old TV doctor and agony aunt Miriam Stoppard.

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Oh, my God, look at the gorgeous girls.

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And 72-year-old Just Good Friends star, Paul Nicholas.

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-Paul.

-Hello there.

-How are you, darling?

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-Just what I needed first thing!

-Oh, such a...

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Last to arrive is the oldest member of the group...

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Mr Blair.

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..87-year-old dancer Lionel Blair.

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-Dennis, it's lovely to see you.

-Long time no see, eh?

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-Oh!

-What are we doing?

-What are we doing?!

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-LIONEL:

-'I'd love to live in a warm climate.'

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I'd love to wake up every morning with the sun shining.

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I would love that.

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They're flying over 5,000 miles to Kochi

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in the southern Indian state of Kerala.

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With a tropical climate, and a low cost of living,

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its residents enjoy one of the longest life expectancies in India.

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Here we are, Miriam. We're in Kochi.

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Oh!

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I'm not very...

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I just had a wheel crisis.

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# Forget your troubles Come on, get happy! #

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Welcome to India.

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-Put the luggage where?

-Whatever happened to ladies first?

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Go.

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Sir, driving time is one hour, sir. It depends on the traffic.

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Dennis is my name. Don't say sir, Jose.

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-I like Dennis.

-Dennis.

-Not sir. Not sir.

-No, sir. OK.

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And no ma'ams. We're Miriam and Shirley.

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-Miriam...

-Sheila.

-Sorry. Miriam and Sheila.

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Shirley...

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Shirley's one of the best singers I've never heard.

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THEY LAUGH

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It's very tropical. I didn't expect it to be so green.

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-The green magic.

-The green magic, is it?

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I like that.

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For the next four weeks, home will be the port of Old Kochi,

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known locally as the Queen of the Arabian Sea.

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They'll be living alongside the locals

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to see whether this could be the perfect place for them to retire.

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Jose, I'd like to use the toilet, is there one nearby?

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Real close by.

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I need to have a wee.

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Hang on.

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-HORN BLARES

-Ooh, shit.

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Is there anywhere I could...? Is there a toilet?

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-Down here.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

-You can get key.

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-Ah. Who's got the key?

-Last shop.

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Last shop. Ah, the last shop.

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I don't really have many preconceived ideas about India.

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Ah!

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-I feel like I'm opening a business.

-HE LAUGHS

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We will be charging to go.

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I'll let you know how it is.

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So, to me, I'm going there almost as a child, with my eyes wide open,

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'to sort of take it in as I get there.

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'I kind of like the idea of that.'

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-Do you need to use the toilet?

-Yeah.

-It's five rupees.

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I'm very into the toilet system here now.

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THEY LAUGH

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To reach their new home, they're taking the commuter ferry

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costing them four Indian rupees, the equivalent of 5p.

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So, these people are coming to work here?

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Yeah.

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Instead of good morning you can say "Namaste".

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Namaste.

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I don't think that was a very good idea.

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I've never had such a terrible look back in my life.

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-BILL:

-'If you went through the list of the reasons

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'people retire to far-away places,'

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you know, the weather's one of them, but, I mean,

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'the first time we went to India in this little group of bird-watchers,

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'we couldn't believe how cheap everything was, you know.

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'The cost of living is just sort of unreal.'

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The rent for an average three-bedroom family house

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in Old Kochi is just over £30 a week.

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Oh! Look at these goats.

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Please, be careful.

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Is this where we're living?

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-Yeah.

-Oh, my goodness.

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It's another world.

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'Going to India is nerve-racking, it really is.

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'Things like sanitation and everything,

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'I hope that that is OK because I find that...'

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cleanliness is next to godliness, as they say.

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but I'm very clean.

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Oh, my dear friends, this is your house.

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This is your home.

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Built in the 16th century by Portuguese merchants,

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this house will become a unique retirement home

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for the next month...

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We've got a reception committee.

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..where these eight strangers will need to learn to live together.

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Greeting the group is housekeeper Smita.

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-Hi, how are you?

-Good, welcome.

-Thank you.

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How many times have you been sitting around at a dinner party

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and at some point somebody said, "We could buy somewhere?

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"We could all live together and we could all eat together."

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India, I think, shrieks that.

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It's got the edge on Eastbourne, quite frankly.

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He threw the holy water all over my glasses and I can't see a thing.

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This is just what the doctor ordered, if I may say so.

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Walking through that door and seeing women dancing.

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-Beautiful, yeah.

-Let's not leave out the guys.

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They looked pretty hot too. You know what I'm saying?

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But don't look at me like that.

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I just wanted to check.

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There are two rooms which are downstairs

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and there's six rooms upstairs,

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so if anybody has a preference to not climbing stairs?

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-Exactly.

-Well, you know,

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I think we just have keys and we take the room and it's potluck.

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-That's OK with me.

-So, would it be a help for you to be downstairs?

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No, I need a veranda upstairs.

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My daughters think I'm a control freak.

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I don't know why they think that.

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It's just, there's a natural order in the universe.

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Some people follow, some people lead.

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And I tend to lead.

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-Sheila.

-Yes?

-Since you've requested...

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-Yep.

-..the veranda room.

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Thank you. Let's do it.

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Smita.

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I love that I'm in the John Thomas...

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That's the name of your room.

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-It can't be!

-What comes with this room?

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Do you know what John Thomas is?

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-No.

-You'll find out.

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We were talking to the driver,

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I was talking about where to go to get a sari made.

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I think I'll talk to you.

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At 69, single Sheila is used to living on her own.

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-OK, I'll be right down.

-If you need anything, just shout out to me.

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-OK.

-OK.

-Thank you. As I've been doing.

-Yeah.

-OK, thank you.

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Bye-bye.

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Oh, dear.

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I have a lot of clothes.

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I'll work something out.

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If not, I'll use somebody else's room to hang a few things.

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There's always a way.

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Oh, that's beautiful. That's absolutely gorgeous.

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This is the main man's room.

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I mean, there's two double beds in the room.

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-I might push them together.

-SHEILA:

-Ooh!

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-Where's Bill? I want his room. Where's Bill?

-I don't know.

-Bill!

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I'm going to get unpacked before somebody wants to swap.

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There'll be no swapping here.

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Hello.

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Bill!

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Oh, man. Oh!

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Oh, my God!

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, my God!

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Right, don't tell anybody.

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This is the one.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Life's not fair but you've got to work the angles.

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Bill!

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-Bill.

-Hello.

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-Hi. Do you want to change rooms with me?

-No.

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So that I could have the... Well, you've got a bath tub.

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-Let me have a look at what you've got.

-All right.

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Oh, no, that is fine.

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-That is fine. Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Oh, bless you.

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-Oh!

-That's all right.

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Cos I've got so much luggage.

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-Yes!

-You're very welcome. And you can probably...

-Yes!

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That's what the British call a right result.

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-Come back!

-I'm coming.

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Air conditioning.

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I've found it. I've found the knob.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Excellent.

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There it is, in all its glory.

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I was forbidden to bring it, but I'm a rebel

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so I brought it.

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It feels good to have a house full of guests.

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They seem like an interesting bunch of people.

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And I think we need a couple of days to get to know each other

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and figure each other out.

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And I do think that India will be an eye-opener for them.

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Most people, when they come to India, they love it or they hate it,

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but you're never indifferent to it.

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For the next four weeks,

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the group will be eating all of their meals together.

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It's very subtle flavours, aren't there?

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My favourite is when my wife makes stew and dumplings.

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I adore it.

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-Well, we'll probably have that.

-With lots of gravy.

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-I love that.

-Indian style.

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-LIONEL SNEEZES VIOLENTLY

-Oh, my God, Lionel!

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-Excuse me.

-Jesus. Darling, are you all right?

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I thought your head had fallen off for a minute.

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Oh, I do love a good sneeze.

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SHEILA LAUGHS

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I want to see how this compares with the Western world.

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I'm really excited about the mystic side of India.

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-I am.

-BILL:

-A certain amount of disillusion.

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It was the hippie pilgrimage to come over here and then...

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I'm not sure I've heard of anybody going to India

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to find themselves for many a year now, really.

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Well, maybe we might find ourselves again, who knows?

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I'm not lost, but you never know.

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-LIONEL:

-No, my son did a gap year and he came here and he loved it.

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But he didn't come back a hippie or, you know...

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He said it's beautiful.

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-Yeah.

-Well, I haven't seen the beauty yet.

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-But we haven't travelled anywhere yet so...

-No.

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This makes you go to the loo...

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..this one.

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Just to steady me down in a new place.

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And to calm me down and let me sleep.

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'I'm out of my depth a bit here.'

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I was a bit shocked because...

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it's in an area that's a bit...

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..for want of a better word, a bit shantytown

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and a bit, you know... I mean, when I first started touring,

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I've stayed in places like this.

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I'm hoping that I'm going to be able to cope.

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That case is going to lie on the bed next to me

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because this is the side of the bed I sleep on at home.

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And I'm going to imagine that my wife is lying there next to me

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and that will make me feel much better.

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And Little Ted will be in the middle.

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The eight senior citizens have a month to work out

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if this is a place that they could set down roots.

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And their first taste of living like a local

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is starting their day with a yoga class.

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Namaste.

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Their teacher is Raj,

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who has specially designed a course of yoga for them.

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-Very gentle...

-OK, sure.

-..with me.

-OK.

-OK?

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-OK, sure.

-Because I have a bad back.

-OK, fine.

-OK?

-Yeah, sure.

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So, let's start. Hands on your hip.

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And slowly, head right side, first.

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Slowly to the left.

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Repeat. Right.

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I have done yoga quite a few times at various points in life.

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And at the end of the day, to sort of be a little fat bloke...

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..trying to get into positions which only thin, young people should do,

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I know that's not the spirit of yoga or anything,

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but I can't take it seriously.

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Open your mouth and put your tongue down.

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All the stress is now going out.

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You'll all come up with pulled muscles!

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I bet the thing you'd really kill for is a cup of coffee, right?

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That's my light, that's my salvation.

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I don't know what we're going to do...

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We'll get him down here one morning.

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Mm. Nectar of the gods, that is.

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-Are you relaxed?

-Yes.

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Welcome. Thank you.

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The house comes with staff who will clean,

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tidy and cook for them at a cost of £20 a week per person.

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-I'd love a cup of tea.

-Yeah.

-That would be lovely, thank you.

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But if they're going to consider living here,

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they need to discover what the neighbourhood offers them.

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I just needed to know what you wanted today.

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Yes, I was just saying to Bill, my wife, who's very, very, very good,

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she's packed my case and everything, but she forgot...

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I've only got two pairs of underpants.

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-You can borrow my knickers.

-Thank you.

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-So, that is my main task of today.

-Finding some underpants.

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-That's good.

-So we'll go and explore the market.

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Yes. I'm going to the market to get food.

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-SMITA:

-Rustie, what do you need to shop for?

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I'm shopping for chicken, spices.

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It's just that I need to know where to take you to get stuff.

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-Oh, I see.

-Because you will not get chicken at the same place

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-that you'll get spices.

-OK.

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'I would expect to have staff in India because'

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you've worked to pay for someone to do that

0:17:590:18:02

so you can be able to be freed up

0:18:020:18:04

to do other things.

0:18:040:18:06

But cooking food is a major part of my life

0:18:060:18:09

and it will be well into my retirement.

0:18:090:18:13

As far as the shopping's concerned, I think the food people can do that.

0:18:130:18:17

-Yeah.

-They look what they are doing.

0:18:170:18:19

-So where are you going, then?

-We're wandering.

0:18:190:18:22

-SHEILA:

-Actually, we ought to give them a job to do, shouldn't we?

0:18:220:18:25

We'll delegate. If it's near and if it's open, the fish,

0:18:250:18:28

what's good for local and what's what, you know?

0:18:280:18:31

-DENNIS:

-I'll come back with two goldfish.

0:18:310:18:34

-Miriam!

-Have to go and get my bag.

0:18:400:18:42

-Smita, how far is the walk?

-40 minutes or so.

-What?

0:18:420:18:45

A 40, F-O minute walk?

0:18:450:18:47

-Yep.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

0:18:470:18:49

Come on. Come on.

0:18:490:18:51

-I'll bring up the rear.

-Come on. Come on.

0:18:520:18:54

Some people are outdoor chicks and some people are indoor chicks.

0:18:540:18:57

Come on.

0:18:570:18:58

Oh, my goodness.

0:19:030:19:05

The temperature's killing me.

0:19:050:19:07

Sheila, Rustie and Miriam are heading to Kaloor market

0:19:070:19:10

in the centre of Old Kochi.

0:19:100:19:13

These goats are all tied up and behaving nicely.

0:19:130:19:15

They better, before they get slaughtered.

0:19:150:19:18

-They'll be dinner.

-Yeah.

0:19:180:19:19

In other parts where there is lamb, they eat lamb,

0:19:190:19:22

but generally it's goat.

0:19:220:19:24

I'll be with you in a minute. Go ahead.

0:19:240:19:26

I'll be back, I'll be back. Go and get the food, children.

0:19:270:19:30

Go on.

0:19:300:19:31

'After my divorce, I sold my home and I moved to Majorca,

0:19:320:19:37

'figuring it was a better climate'

0:19:370:19:40

and I have total anonymity in Mallorca

0:19:400:19:43

and nobody knows what I do.

0:19:430:19:45

I'm used to being alone.

0:19:450:19:47

I'm not used to being with people.

0:19:470:19:48

-Oh, where's Sheila?

-Where is she?

-No, I'm coming.

0:19:480:19:51

There's nothing in my style.

0:19:510:19:54

'Conceivably I could go the whole week'

0:19:540:19:56

and don't have any contact with human beings,

0:19:560:20:00

'emotionally or physically.'

0:20:000:20:02

Hello.

0:20:040:20:05

-Oh, wow.

-Wow!

-It looks lovely.

0:20:120:20:14

Housekeeper Smita shops here regularly for fruit and vegetables

0:20:140:20:18

for the house.

0:20:180:20:19

Honey and... Chilies, chilies, chilies.

0:20:190:20:21

-Is this koorka?

-That's tapioca.

0:20:210:20:23

What food means to me is joy, entertainment, relaxation.

0:20:230:20:29

-Pumpkin.

-They have okra.

0:20:290:20:31

Yeah, I've seen the okra.

0:20:310:20:33

I love a market. It's tremendous to me.

0:20:330:20:36

'It's got its own music.'

0:20:360:20:37

I need some chilies.

0:20:370:20:39

I want garlic, onions, tomatoes.

0:20:390:20:42

You've got to tell him how much, my dear.

0:20:420:20:44

-Darling, I'm a chef.

-No, no, but I'm just saying.

-Yeah.

0:20:440:20:47

-OK.

-Yeah? So, the plantains, how much?

0:20:470:20:49

-I think we should move on.

-Thank you.

0:20:490:20:52

In search for Paul's underpants.

0:21:040:21:06

BILL LAUGHS

0:21:060:21:08

-Hello.

-Morning.

0:21:080:21:10

I need to... I need to buy some underpants.

0:21:100:21:13

I'm not sure you'll get underpants over there.

0:21:130:21:16

But you can try the shop on your left.

0:21:160:21:18

-Right.

-That's open, Fab India.

0:21:180:21:20

Fab India?

0:21:200:21:22

Down on the right-hand side.

0:21:220:21:24

In Kerala, English is widely spoken.

0:21:240:21:27

Hello there. Could I buy some briefs?

0:21:270:21:30

-You don't have briefs.

-Palace Street.

0:21:300:21:32

Palace Street, how do you spell that?

0:21:320:21:34

Erm...

0:21:340:21:35

Don't worry, I'll find it.

0:21:350:21:37

-HORN BEEPS

-That's a...

0:21:370:21:38

Sorry. But that's a woman's shop.

0:21:380:21:41

-Isn't it?

-As far as we know, he's got a pair on

0:21:420:21:45

but you can't get through three or four weeks in India,

0:21:450:21:49

soggy old atmosphere,

0:21:490:21:51

with one pair of underpants, can you?

0:21:510:21:53

-Do you sell them?

-Pant?

0:21:530:21:56

Pants, yes.

0:21:560:21:58

Even if you wash them now and again. So I know what he means.

0:21:580:22:00

No, no. Brief pants.

0:22:000:22:02

-Brief pants.

-Yeah, you know, underpants.

0:22:020:22:05

Small pants. You don't have them? Ah.

0:22:050:22:08

Palace Road.

0:22:100:22:11

What is this, underpant app?

0:22:110:22:13

No, no, I did text the...my wife.

0:22:130:22:16

-"Hello, love." This is me.

-Yeah.

0:22:160:22:19

"Just had breakfast and I'm going to look for underpants

0:22:190:22:22

"as I don't seem to have any. Speak soon."

0:22:220:22:25

And she has sent back,

0:22:250:22:27

"You had six pairs in your suitcase.

0:22:270:22:30

"I put three white ones in, and then you gave me three dark ones.

0:22:300:22:34

"Odd. New tiles should arrive Tuesday."

0:22:340:22:37

-What has that got to do with it? New tiles.

-Indeed.

0:22:370:22:39

-She just wants to let me know.

-I'll match that.

0:22:390:22:42

My text yesterday says, "Bought new toilet."

0:22:420:22:45

-Well, there you go.

-There you go.

0:22:450:22:47

Perhaps our wives are moving in together.

0:22:470:22:48

-The minute you go out the house...

-They're on it, aren't they?

0:22:480:22:51

-..they're buying porcelain things.

-Absolutely.

0:22:510:22:53

Kerala is famous worldwide for its fish.

0:23:010:23:04

THEY SING IN OWN LANGUAGE

0:23:040:23:08

Just 200 metres from the house are the local fishing nets.

0:23:080:23:12

Lionel, Amanda and Dennis are in search of their fresh fish supper.

0:23:120:23:17

-We might want to buy some fish.

-No problem, come on.

0:23:170:23:20

These traditional levered fishing nets allow the locals

0:23:200:23:24

to trawl the shallow water's edge every few minutes

0:23:240:23:26

to maximise their catch.

0:23:260:23:28

Can you explain the song, what the song means?

0:23:280:23:31

Yeah, this is the fisherman song.

0:23:310:23:33

-Yeah.

-It's very good catching.

0:23:330:23:36

-A catching song.

-Yes, catching the fish.

0:23:360:23:38

And the song...

0:23:380:23:39

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

0:23:390:23:41

-And it also makes everybody happy.

-Happy, yeah.

0:23:420:23:45

THEY SING IN OWN LANGUAGE

0:23:480:23:50

-I like it.

-This could be a number one.

-I think...

0:23:500:23:53

THEY LAUGH

0:23:530:23:55

-Let's say you are pulling...

-Pull, pull.

-What?

0:23:550:23:57

..the song and you are happy, OK?

0:23:570:23:59

-No standing on the rope.

-No, because you, "wooft!" in the air.

0:23:590:24:02

-OK, yeah.

-Into outer space.

0:24:020:24:04

THEY SING IN OWN LANGUAGE

0:24:070:24:11

-DENNIS:

-'My father was a big, keen fisherman.'

0:24:110:24:14

I wish I knew the words to this song.

0:24:140:24:16

'And he'd go off,'

0:24:160:24:18

Oh, he spent all his time...

0:24:180:24:19

I've got some lovely photographs of him fishing.

0:24:190:24:23

Bored me to tears when I was a youngster.

0:24:230:24:25

I love how they catch fish in India.

0:24:260:24:29

Just not the traditional way that it is in the UK.

0:24:290:24:32

-What did we catch?

-Catfish.

-Catfish?

0:24:320:24:34

They're a bit more exciting fishing.

0:24:340:24:37

What's the best fish for...?

0:24:370:24:39

-Snapper.

-The snapper, yeah? Snapper is the best.

0:24:390:24:42

-The snapper is better.

-Can I buy some snapper?

0:24:420:24:44

It's for maybe eight people.

0:24:440:24:47

-Four fish.

-Yeah, four fish.

-How much for four fish?

0:24:470:24:50

Four fish, just the small ones, 650 rupees.

0:24:500:24:53

-So, 650... How many?

-600.

0:24:530:24:55

-Thank you.

-Thank you, sir, have a nice day.

0:24:550:24:59

Oh, my God, look!

0:24:590:25:01

It's like blood. I think it's off the fish.

0:25:010:25:03

It's a crime scene.

0:25:030:25:04

You see, I knew I should bring my Vanish.

0:25:040:25:07

HORN BEEPS

0:25:140:25:16

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

0:25:160:25:17

HORN BEEPS

0:25:170:25:18

I'm not mad on shopping.

0:25:180:25:20

You know, I'm always amazed when I go shopping with my wife

0:25:210:25:25

that her face changes.

0:25:250:25:26

You're like hunters.

0:25:260:25:28

And it does take some time sometimes.

0:25:280:25:30

-Variety Men's Wear.

-Ah.

0:25:320:25:33

I can sense the presence.

0:25:350:25:37

Ah, this looks like us, son.

0:25:370:25:39

'I'm one of these guys that kind of'

0:25:390:25:40

knows what he wants and I'm in there and I'm out in 30 seconds.

0:25:400:25:44

Oh, look, there's a picture of you outside.

0:25:450:25:47

PAUL LAUGHS

0:25:470:25:49

We won't be long. Thank you.

0:25:490:25:51

Thank you very much.

0:25:510:25:53

-Ah, yes.

-How do you know you won't be long?

0:25:530:25:56

Morning. Men's underwear?

0:25:560:25:57

Yes, lovely. Thank you.

0:25:570:25:59

-They've got them.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Thank you very much.

0:26:000:26:03

Bill, I was going to buy six but as I'm feeling a bit queasy,

0:26:030:26:06

I think I better buy eight.

0:26:060:26:08

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:26:080:26:09

Is it possible to see one out of the packet?

0:26:090:26:12

Oh, look, come on. Oh, yes.

0:26:120:26:14

-Look.

-Oh, yes!

-Look what they say.

0:26:140:26:16

Chocolate brown. "Playboy, Playboy, Playboy," honestly.

0:26:160:26:19

So, that's just over eight quid for eight pairs of underpants.

0:26:190:26:22

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you.

-You've saved my life.

0:26:220:26:26

-SHEILA:

-Actually I had a ball. I had a ball.

0:26:360:26:38

-We all had a great time, actually.

-Hello. Hiya.

0:26:380:26:41

I'm used to doing my own thing my own way.

0:26:410:26:43

And also do you know what I realised?

0:26:430:26:45

I'm so used to living alone,

0:26:450:26:46

it's the first time I've been with people 24/7.

0:26:460:26:49

-PAUL:

-Smita, a very successful mission.

0:26:530:26:55

And I bought them with you in mind.

0:26:550:26:56

-Playboy?!

-SMITA LAUGHS

0:26:560:26:58

With you in mind. I got the medium by the way.

0:26:580:27:01

I didn't want to get large.

0:27:030:27:04

-Er, but, I didn't barter.

-Nobody barters that much.

0:27:040:27:07

-No, it's ridiculous.

-Especially in a shop like that.

0:27:070:27:10

It took me back to going to the Caribbean.

0:27:100:27:13

Have a look at this, I...

0:27:130:27:15

-Look, covered in blood.

-We've been fishing.

-Oh, no!

0:27:150:27:17

-Been fishing.

-Oh, God,

0:27:170:27:18

-I thought it was a patterned shirt.

-RUSTIE:

-It's a lovely design, dear.

0:27:180:27:22

-Ah, there they are.

-Hello.

-Ah! Brilliant, bay leaf.

0:27:290:27:33

Despite having a cook,

0:27:330:27:34

67-year-old chef Rustie can't resist getting involved.

0:27:340:27:39

-We have one cook with many helpers.

-We've got a chef as well so...

0:27:390:27:43

-The chef is helper today.

-Yes.

-Do you want them sliced?

0:27:430:27:46

Washed. They've to be washed so just peel them, peel them.

0:27:460:27:49

Varghese has been a cook for the past 40 years.

0:27:490:27:53

Having a cook in India, that'll be great

0:27:530:27:56

because I will be able to learn the techniques from them

0:27:560:28:01

and they will be able to learn techniques from me.

0:28:010:28:04

May I have a look?

0:28:040:28:05

WHIRRING

0:28:050:28:07

Let me look. Let me have a look.

0:28:080:28:11

-Stop, let's have a look.

-WHIRRING STOPS

0:28:110:28:14

Oh, sorry. More, a bit more. Yeah.

0:28:170:28:20

They're saying too many cooks, get out of my kitchen.

0:28:220:28:25

I wouldn't call it a control thing, I would call it being a homemaker.

0:28:250:28:29

This will take a good hour and a bit. Yes.

0:28:290:28:32

-Really?

-That's why we need to shifty along.

0:28:320:28:34

Right, the local off-licence.

0:28:410:28:43

-Welcome to my tuk-tuk...

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

0:28:430:28:46

-DENNIS:

-I want a little Indian lager.

0:28:460:28:48

-You have air conditioning I see.

-DRIVER:

-Natural.

0:28:480:28:51

-On a booze run, huh?

-DENNIS:

-How far is it? Do we know?

0:28:560:28:59

-It's about five minutes, apparently.

-I'm looking forward to...

0:28:590:29:02

-Yeah.

-What do you fancy? A little...

0:29:020:29:04

A few cold beers and a little bit of lemonade for me, I think.

0:29:040:29:07

Yeah.

0:29:070:29:08

A very good drink with snooker players,

0:29:080:29:10

whisky and Windolene.

0:29:100:29:12

You still get drunk every night but in the morning,

0:29:120:29:14

-your eyes are as clear as a bell.

-Ah, yes!

0:29:140:29:17

Unlike in Britain,

0:29:190:29:20

the sale of alcohol in the state of Kerala has strict limitations

0:29:200:29:24

and is only permitted at government-run stores.

0:29:240:29:26

-£11 to book one of these guys all day.

-Oh, right, yep.

0:29:280:29:31

Very good value, don't you think?

0:29:310:29:33

We'll have a couple of days, I think.

0:29:330:29:35

Paul and Dennis have enlisted the help of Smita

0:29:380:29:40

to source the group's booze the local way.

0:29:400:29:43

Just bear in mind, I've never done this.

0:29:440:29:47

-I'm only doing it for you.

-I don't believe a word of it.

0:29:470:29:50

-Of course.

-You're here every day...

-No.

-..to buy your alcohol.

0:29:500:29:53

But you have to stand in line.

0:29:530:29:55

It's OK, I'm used to being at the end of a CUE.

0:29:550:29:58

You need to know what you want.

0:30:000:30:01

We need a couple of bottles of white wine.

0:30:010:30:03

-You cannot say that.

-Is there a limit?

-Be specific.

0:30:030:30:06

-Oh, yes.

-So what's the limit?

-You can either buy...

0:30:060:30:08

-Five bottle... There's somebody else nicking your...

-Oh, yes.

0:30:080:30:11

-Cheeky sod.

-It's OK. You just nipped in.

0:30:110:30:15

Pushing in, mate. I'm sticking close to this bloke.

0:30:150:30:19

-No, no.

-You can buy two bottles of alcohol...

-Yeah.

0:30:190:30:23

..or five bottles of beer.

0:30:230:30:24

So you keep sending your family, different people to get, you know.

0:30:240:30:27

If you have a party, can you imagine how many trips you've got to do?

0:30:270:30:30

-Yeah.

-And if you want to serve them beer.

0:30:300:30:32

-And the queue's getting longer.

-Oh, yes.

0:30:320:30:34

By the end of the evening, it'll be down the road. Really?

0:30:340:30:38

Hello there. Could I have...?

0:30:380:30:40

-Here, here.

-Oh, so sorry. Could I have one bottle of beer?

0:30:400:30:44

Blue beer?

0:30:440:30:45

You want blue or premium?

0:30:450:30:47

-Which is best? Premium?

-Try the blue.

0:30:470:30:49

-Why, what's wrong with the blue? Premium.

-Nothing.

0:30:490:30:51

I'll have the premium. Thank you. So what can I do now?

0:30:510:30:54

-Can I buy any more?

-Two beers.

0:30:540:30:56

-Two beers.

-Yes.

-Well, give me another bottle of the other one,

0:30:560:30:59

the blue. Is that enough?

0:30:590:31:01

-Would you like me to buy your wine on that?

-Ask him if we can get that.

0:31:010:31:04

Can I have a bottle of, what is it that you want?

0:31:040:31:06

-Fratelli white.

-Fratelli white.

0:31:060:31:08

-Fratelli white?

-Yes, please.

0:31:080:31:11

-DENNIS:

-One bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.

0:31:110:31:13

We're doing all right here.

0:31:130:31:15

-SELLER:

-2,000.

-PAUL:

-2,000?

0:31:150:31:17

"He reaches into his pocket for the money. Help me with this."

0:31:170:31:19

-Is that 1,000?

-No.

0:31:190:31:21

For eight bottles it costs £24.

0:31:210:31:24

And then you had 1,000 in your hand.

0:31:240:31:26

I've never bought a beer like this but what's good about it

0:31:260:31:29

is that you have to be quite precise about what you want

0:31:290:31:31

so you're not going to kind of waste your time.

0:31:310:31:34

I think that's right, isn't it? Two beers and two...

0:31:340:31:36

-One wine and one Bacardi, that's correct, isn't it?

-Right.

0:31:360:31:39

Yeah, that is correct. Thank you. Have you got a bag?

0:31:390:31:41

OK, now they're all going to get impatient. Let's go.

0:31:410:31:45

-DENNIS:

-Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?

0:31:450:31:48

No, but it was very efficient.

0:31:480:31:50

No, but you know they were raving at me?

0:31:500:31:52

-Oh.

-Why?

-Saying that...

-We were slow?

-Yeah.

0:31:520:31:54

"Are you going to take the entire day to buy two bottles?"

0:31:540:31:57

-Is that what they said?

-Yeah.

0:31:570:31:59

-I hope you told them to piss off.

-No, I didn't!

0:31:590:32:01

DENNIS AND PAUL LAUGH

0:32:010:32:03

All right, see you back at the ranch.

0:32:030:32:05

HARMONICA PLAYS

0:32:070:32:12

Nice little balcony.

0:32:150:32:17

Yes, this is very nice.

0:32:170:32:19

-I'll just pour you a little beer.

-Is that a strong one?

0:32:190:32:22

This is the milder one, I think the strong one's too much,

0:32:220:32:24

you'll have to put some lemonade in it.

0:32:240:32:27

-You know, it's very pleasant.

-It's quite nice, isn't it?

0:32:270:32:29

-Cheers.

-Cheers, Paul.

-God bless.

-Good health, yeah.

0:32:300:32:33

That'll get Dennis homesick.

0:32:380:32:40

-AS DENNIS:

-"I thought I heard some Irish music then."

0:32:400:32:44

I have to say I'm loving the company here, you know?

0:32:440:32:47

They're all lovely in their different ways

0:32:470:32:50

and it is quite a lot of different ways, you know,

0:32:500:32:52

but having said that, you know, I think we'd all go a bit barmy

0:32:520:32:57

if you couldn't get away to your room for a bit, you know?

0:32:570:33:01

And so... This, I've got lucky here,

0:33:010:33:03

this is perfect cos this is a substitute for my garden at home,

0:33:030:33:07

I suppose.

0:33:070:33:09

-Can I have the bottle of water, please?

-Yes, yes.

0:33:120:33:14

There it is, the bottle there, look.

0:33:160:33:17

Thank you.

0:33:190:33:21

Have you ever been to England?

0:33:210:33:23

No, not yet.

0:33:230:33:25

That's vinegar!

0:33:250:33:26

I said, "Is this the water?"

0:33:280:33:30

He said, "Yes," and I've started using that for the water.

0:33:300:33:33

Let's take the chicken out. Oh, for...

0:33:330:33:35

She's added about a quarter of a pound of vinegar to each pan.

0:33:350:33:38

So we're throwing away the juice and we're starting again.

0:33:380:33:41

It's, erm... We're trying to save it.

0:33:410:33:43

Well, we will save it. What a shame.

0:33:430:33:46

But it does smell of vinegar.

0:33:460:33:48

It's not my kitchen and being as we're in India,

0:33:480:33:50

and everyone says to use bottled water

0:33:500:33:53

so I thought, "Oh, they've put the bottled water there for me to use,"

0:33:530:33:57

so that's what I did and it was white vinegar.

0:33:570:34:00

Not being able to read the label.

0:34:000:34:02

-Have you got coconut cream?

-Yeah.

-I'll have some coconut cream.

0:34:030:34:06

Oh, yeah, that would be good, wouldn't it?

0:34:060:34:08

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

0:34:080:34:09

Dennis.

0:34:160:34:17

Oh, he's got my hat.

0:34:170:34:18

That'll save my life tomorrow.

0:34:200:34:22

-Would you like something to drink?

-AMANDA:

-Water or tonic, anything.

0:34:220:34:26

-I'll get it.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

0:34:260:34:28

-PAUL:

-Marvellous.

0:34:280:34:30

-What...? What are you doing?

-Nothing.

0:34:300:34:32

You look like you've seen God.

0:34:320:34:34

-I have.

-Thank you.

0:34:340:34:35

I have got laugh-itus.

0:34:370:34:39

I have caught it from these dreadful people I'm with.

0:34:390:34:43

Everything has become a joke.

0:34:430:34:44

And now I can't stop laughing.

0:34:440:34:46

I have for you okra, onion with tomatoes,

0:34:480:34:51

-and chicken as well.

-Can we start?

-Please start.

-Thank you.

0:34:510:34:54

I'm not saying anything.

0:34:550:34:57

Fingers crossed. If they don't like it, I'm sorry.

0:34:570:35:00

Start, start.

0:35:000:35:02

So, how long did this take to prepare, then, darling?

0:35:020:35:05

-Did it...?

-Two hours.

0:35:050:35:07

It's very good. It's very good.

0:35:070:35:09

Rustie, what's getting the little spice in the chicken?

0:35:090:35:11

-That's beautiful. What...?

-RUSTIE:

-Have you tried...?

0:35:110:35:14

-Oh, have I ever. Yeah.

-Oh!

0:35:140:35:15

Anybody that doesn't like the chicken, just leave it there.

0:35:160:35:20

It's beautiful.

0:35:200:35:21

I think it tastes very nice now, but it was a panic.

0:35:230:35:28

I'm staying out of the cooking.

0:35:290:35:31

SHE LAUGHS

0:35:310:35:33

Good morning, Kochi.

0:35:400:35:42

You are listening to a very special programme today,

0:35:420:35:45

the weather is just beautiful and clear for celebrating Onam.

0:35:450:35:49

So let's enjoy it!

0:35:490:35:50

The group are waking up to their third morning

0:35:580:36:00

and a public holiday in Kerala.

0:36:000:36:03

I think we're going to see music, dance.

0:36:030:36:05

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

0:36:050:36:06

Oh, I didn't know that.

0:36:060:36:08

I'm going to go and have a wash.

0:36:080:36:11

Today is the most important date in the Keralan calendar,

0:36:110:36:15

the celebration of Onam.

0:36:150:36:17

Honouring the myth of a utopian paradise

0:36:170:36:20

which ended when its creator King Mahabali

0:36:200:36:23

was banished from the state.

0:36:230:36:25

Dennis, Paul, Sheila and Miriam are travelling four miles to Ernakulam,

0:36:290:36:34

the metropolitan centre of Kochi,

0:36:340:36:36

to visit the Onam procession.

0:36:360:36:38

They're coming from all over Kerala.

0:36:390:36:42

And, ladies and gentlemen, when you come to see the people

0:36:420:36:44

you can just wish them good morning.

0:36:440:36:46

To say thanks, you can say "nandi."

0:36:460:36:49

-"Nan-nee."

-Nandi, yeah.

-Nandi.

0:36:490:36:52

Nani, you know the footballer?

0:36:520:36:54

-Not "nani," "nan-nee."

-Nan-nee.

0:36:540:36:56

-"Nani" means the lavatory.

-Lavatory!

0:36:560:36:59

"Nani" is the lavatory.

0:36:590:37:00

So "nan-nee nani" is, "Thanks for the toilet."

0:37:000:37:03

HE LAUGHS

0:37:030:37:06

Governed by the Communist party,

0:37:060:37:08

this area of India prides itself on being the land of equals

0:37:080:37:11

and today is a chance for the Keralites

0:37:110:37:14

to celebrate living together harmoniously,

0:37:140:37:17

whatever their religion.

0:37:170:37:19

So, my dear friends, this is Mr Sandhu, he's a local guide here.

0:37:190:37:23

-Will there be music and stuff?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:37:230:37:25

And in front of the elephants, we can see the people with the flutes.

0:37:250:37:29

-A bit of dancing as well, maybe?

-You can, we can. No problem.

0:37:290:37:32

That's why you're always smiling, yes?

0:37:320:37:35

-Because that's a trademark of Keralan people.

-Yep.

0:37:350:37:37

And we want to introduce ourselves through our smiles.

0:37:370:37:41

You are in God's own country.

0:37:410:37:43

-Yes, we are.

-Well, we certainly feel like that.

0:37:430:37:46

Thank you.

0:37:460:37:47

-Nandi, nandi.

-Yeah.

0:37:470:37:49

'I was brought up'

0:37:490:37:50

in an Orthodox Jewish home so I'm very, you know,

0:37:500:37:54

my childhood was festivals, all different kinds of festivals,

0:37:540:37:57

for all different reasons

0:37:570:37:59

and they punctuated the whole year.

0:37:590:38:02

I like dancing,

0:38:020:38:04

but I wouldn't dare dance with my family

0:38:040:38:06

because they'd just say, "Mum, stop that."

0:38:060:38:09

They've been saying that since they were, you know, five years old,

0:38:090:38:12

I wasn't allowed to dance with my sons.

0:38:120:38:14

Sandhu, what is the festival all about?

0:38:140:38:17

What is it celebrating?

0:38:170:38:18

Onam is the main celebration of Keralan people

0:38:180:38:21

and after the south-west monsoon,

0:38:210:38:22

we are getting ready to celebrate our harvest festival.

0:38:220:38:28

-Do you have to be a Hindu to take part in it or...?

-No, no.

0:38:280:38:31

-Everyone can?

-Everyone, everyone.

0:38:310:38:33

So you mean in the procession,

0:38:330:38:35

-there could be Muslims and Christians?

-Yes, absolutely.

-OK.

0:38:350:38:38

Religious harmony, you can see here.

0:38:380:38:41

The best area to accommodate the other people from different parts

0:38:410:38:45

of the world, maybe that's why Kerala is known

0:38:450:38:48

as God's own country.

0:38:480:38:49

India embraces you.

0:38:560:38:59

The drums are irresistible, the music's irresistible

0:38:590:39:02

and we started to dance down the street.

0:39:020:39:04

Do you know I never thought I would ever do that at my age?

0:39:040:39:07

And yet there I am, you know, bopping away

0:39:090:39:12

and I'm thinking to myself,

0:39:120:39:13

"How are you doing this?" because I don't do it at home.

0:39:130:39:17

So maybe I'll start doing it a little bit more.

0:39:170:39:22

THEY CHEER

0:39:220:39:24

Nandi! Nandi, nandi!

0:39:240:39:28

Oh, there comes Mahabali, the King.

0:39:280:39:31

There's the King.

0:39:310:39:33

Beautiful. Fantastic.

0:39:380:39:40

Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.

0:39:420:39:45

What a festival.

0:39:460:39:48

And the big elephant in the middle was absolutely incredible,

0:39:480:39:51

I've never seen anything like that.

0:39:510:39:54

I live near Wrexham and they do have some nice parades there,

0:39:540:39:57

but you won't get three beautifully-dressed elephants

0:39:570:40:01

walking through Wrexham, I don't think.

0:40:010:40:03

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

0:40:030:40:06

Nandi. Nandi.

0:40:070:40:10

-Hello, goats.

-They don't bite, do they?

0:40:180:40:20

Hello!

0:40:220:40:23

Come on.

0:40:230:40:25

HE CLICKS TONGUE

0:40:250:40:26

See, that could turn into a beautiful villa, couldn't it?

0:40:260:40:29

Lionel is the eldest member of the group,

0:40:290:40:31

and at 87, he's finding adapting to life in India the most difficult.

0:40:310:40:36

-What do you want to do?

-I'd like to have a little sit down,

0:40:370:40:39

because I'm an old man.

0:40:390:40:40

I'd like to have a cigarette, actually.

0:40:400:40:43

I think it's my age, really.

0:40:430:40:44

I think when I was younger,

0:40:440:40:46

it didn't worry me.

0:40:460:40:47

You feel very...

0:40:490:40:50

..vulnerable.

0:40:510:40:53

Animals roaming in the street, you know.

0:40:530:40:55

Cattle and everything.

0:40:550:40:57

You see, things like that put me off.

0:40:570:41:00

What we've seen where we're living

0:41:000:41:02

-and where we're staying is very nice.

-Very nice.

0:41:020:41:05

When we go outside the door...

0:41:050:41:06

..it is...horrific.

0:41:080:41:10

-Ooh.

-It's not horrific for me.

0:41:100:41:11

That's a bit of a strong word, but...

0:41:110:41:14

I find it a bit sort of sad, in a way.

0:41:140:41:17

It's not horrific at all, it's the way...

0:41:170:41:19

I didn't expect to live in shanty town.

0:41:190:41:21

I mean, it's shaken me.

0:41:210:41:23

The point is, we can't expect it to be England.

0:41:230:41:26

If it was England, we wouldn't have to travel, would we?

0:41:260:41:29

So, you know, we have to see it.

0:41:290:41:32

See it, and be able to say, "Well, would I like to be here?"

0:41:320:41:35

Yeah.

0:41:350:41:36

My eldest son went travelling, and he told me he went all over India.

0:41:380:41:42

He loved the whole experience.

0:41:420:41:45

He just said, "You should never turn down

0:41:450:41:48

"something you've never done before."

0:41:480:41:50

Really. Or places you've never been.

0:41:500:41:54

Even to say, "I don't like it."

0:41:540:41:56

I don't do anything to relax.

0:42:090:42:12

And everybody keeps telling me, every doctor I see,

0:42:120:42:15

anybody who meets me has said...

0:42:150:42:16

"You need to relax."

0:42:170:42:19

In fact, the only question I've ever had that's stumped me was,

0:42:190:42:24

"What do you do for relaxation?

0:42:240:42:26

"When do you turn off?"

0:42:260:42:27

So I need to address calming Sheila down.

0:42:270:42:31

Sheila and Paul are visiting a traditional Ayurvedic massage parlour

0:42:310:42:34

just a four minute tuk-tuk ride from the house.

0:42:340:42:37

Ayurvedic massage centre.

0:42:370:42:39

-OK, thank you.

-If I didn't have a bad back before I got in this,

0:42:390:42:43

I've certainly got one now.

0:42:430:42:44

Thank you very much.

0:42:440:42:46

Don't pay any attention to him, that was a lovely ride.

0:42:460:42:49

-Yeah.

-Thank you for your chariot.

0:42:490:42:51

Hi, how are you.

0:42:530:42:54

-How are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

0:42:540:42:57

So, you do me...?

0:42:570:43:00

The ladies start doing for ladies, and gents for gents.

0:43:000:43:02

Oh, why can't you do me and she do you?

0:43:020:43:04

I would prefer that, too, but...

0:43:040:43:06

THEY LAUGH

0:43:060:43:07

It is our customs.

0:43:070:43:08

Ayurvedic tradition.

0:43:080:43:09

OK, shall we start?

0:43:090:43:11

'I can't be boring, but I do need to be able to contain'

0:43:110:43:14

all the energy.

0:43:140:43:16

Cos I do have a lot of energy.

0:43:160:43:18

So I've been told.

0:43:180:43:19

Now, I understand that you do this completely naked.

0:43:190:43:23

Not completely naked.

0:43:230:43:24

We'll use this.

0:43:240:43:26

Oh, I see.

0:43:260:43:27

Is that all? If it lifts, I'm out of here!

0:43:270:43:30

Now how do I... What do I do with it?

0:43:310:43:32

How do I fit that?

0:43:320:43:34

-Tie it here.

-Oh, I see, it just hangs down?

0:43:340:43:37

I was going to say...

0:43:370:43:39

It doesn't need to be that long.

0:43:390:43:40

SHEILA LAUGHS

0:43:400:43:41

OK, here we go.

0:43:430:43:44

Thank you very much.

0:43:440:43:46

This retreat is open to anyone looking to relax their body and mind

0:43:460:43:49

using ancient Indian methods.

0:43:490:43:51

What do you think?

0:43:560:43:58

You... You nut!

0:43:580:44:00

-Enjoy.

-Good luck.

0:44:000:44:01

OK.

0:44:010:44:03

OK, cool.

0:44:050:44:07

-Sit here.

-OK.

0:44:070:44:08

So we probably do have a bit of tension.

0:44:160:44:19

-You can say that again.

-This massage will help the circulation,

0:44:190:44:23

will increase the circulation.

0:44:230:44:25

Oh, good. Have you ever been oiled up like this before?

0:44:250:44:28

It's been over 13 years since I've had a massage.

0:44:280:44:32

I just don't bother.

0:44:320:44:35

So, you're living in Majorca now, aren't you?

0:44:420:44:44

-Yes.

-So do you miss living in England?

0:44:440:44:47

Majorca gets like a ghost town January, February, March.

0:44:470:44:50

You're on your own. And it's just very, very isolated.

0:44:500:44:53

So you have to make... You have to go out.

0:44:530:44:55

Ah!

0:44:550:44:56

Oh, Jesus!

0:44:560:44:58

OK. OK.

0:45:000:45:01

-What happened?

-My knee.

0:45:010:45:03

All that Three Degrees choreography has finally took its toll.

0:45:030:45:07

I should have told you.

0:45:070:45:08

OK, you do it again I'll shoot you.

0:45:080:45:10

THEY LAUGH

0:45:100:45:11

OK.

0:45:110:45:12

Presently, you're on your own, aren't you?

0:45:130:45:15

Very.

0:45:150:45:17

Very much so, yes.

0:45:170:45:18

Do you miss not having a regular chap in your life?

0:45:180:45:21

Well, duh, yeah.

0:45:210:45:23

A funny thing I've noticed since being here,

0:45:230:45:26

I'm so not used to people around me.

0:45:260:45:29

I'm so used to being alone 24 hours a day, seven days a week,

0:45:290:45:31

that I'm not used to other people's conversation.

0:45:310:45:34

But now we're virtually living together 24 hours a day.

0:45:340:45:37

I mean, as we get older, we get more set in our ways, don't we?

0:45:370:45:40

And we get kind of very used to our own space and our own habits.

0:45:400:45:45

Yeah. My partner, John, is gone.

0:45:450:45:47

He could put up with me, so it was great. Ha!

0:45:470:45:50

-Yeah.

-He was great.

0:45:500:45:52

And what happened there?

0:45:520:45:54

He died.

0:45:540:45:55

We were happy, and he just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me,

0:45:560:45:59

-and vice versa.

-Yeah.

0:45:590:46:00

'What I'm trying to do now is'

0:46:020:46:04

find what's missing in my life, which is the home life.

0:46:040:46:07

You can't live, what...

0:46:070:46:09

It's eight...coming up to eight years, now, alone,

0:46:090:46:12

and think that's a quality... It's not a good quality of life.

0:46:120:46:14

'I've got skyping with my daughters,

0:46:160:46:18

'and we do keep in touch every day, which is a lovely thing.'

0:46:180:46:21

But it's not the physicality, the physicality is what I'm lacking.

0:46:210:46:24

I need physical contact with people.

0:46:240:46:27

And also the mental and emotional stimulation.

0:46:270:46:30

People tend to think that when you're older, you don't have sex.

0:46:320:46:35

-Yeah.

-Well, duh.

0:46:350:46:37

That is so untrue.

0:46:370:46:38

Well, I do think that when you age together,

0:46:380:46:41

your sexual needs remain basically the same.

0:46:410:46:43

Yes. So you're lucky, you've been married all your life?

0:46:430:46:46

Well, I've been married to the same woman for many a year.

0:46:460:46:49

The great thing about my wife is she, most of the time,

0:46:490:46:52

doesn't know where I am.

0:46:520:46:53

SHE LAUGHS

0:46:530:46:55

-Or care.

-Or care.

-Yeah.

0:46:550:46:56

Loved everything about it, it was also nice bonding with Paul,

0:46:590:47:02

and getting to share a bit of privacy.

0:47:020:47:05

Thank you so much. 'That was very relaxing.'

0:47:050:47:07

Very relaxing indeed.

0:47:070:47:08

And it took the stress away from being with so many people.

0:47:080:47:10

The first week in India is drawing to a close,

0:47:280:47:31

and the eight senior citizens are settling into local life.

0:47:310:47:36

I've been more relaxed since that massage.

0:47:360:47:39

Everything was chilled, I was calm.

0:47:390:47:42

And there's a serenity that I feel.

0:47:420:47:45

And I can't explain it.

0:47:450:47:46

And that, for me, is an eye-opener.

0:47:460:47:49

After living in Old Kochi for a week,

0:47:500:47:53

the group have decided to hold a party to meet their new neighbours.

0:47:530:47:57

What time is the party?

0:47:570:47:59

I will tell them to come at seven.

0:47:590:48:01

Hopefully most of them should.

0:48:010:48:03

It'll be nice to meet some of your friends.

0:48:040:48:06

Yesterday, we bought a lot of decorations

0:48:060:48:09

to decorate the place up.

0:48:090:48:10

-Are you going to help?

-Of course!

0:48:100:48:13

So we're all going to decorate.

0:48:130:48:14

So can I leave that part to you?

0:48:140:48:16

ALL: Yes.

0:48:160:48:17

And when you come back...

0:48:170:48:18

Lovely.

0:48:180:48:20

But before tonight's party,

0:48:220:48:24

the group are keen to explore further afield

0:48:240:48:27

than their home in Kochi.

0:48:270:48:28

We can see the rice paddy fields.

0:48:300:48:32

And you know the staple food for the Keralan is...

0:48:320:48:35

-Rice.

-Rice.

0:48:350:48:36

Fish curry.

0:48:360:48:37

The entire state of Kerala

0:48:380:48:40

is crisscrossed by a network of waterways.

0:48:400:48:43

Traditionally, the banks have been home to fishermen.

0:48:430:48:45

But recently, these waterways have become a desirable place to live.

0:48:450:48:49

God, it's not easy, is it?

0:48:510:48:52

-Hello.

-Welcome to you on the backwaters of Kerala.

0:48:520:48:55

Thank you. And your name is, sorry?

0:48:550:48:57

-Shabib.

-Shabib?

0:48:570:48:59

-I'm Dinesh.

-Dennis?

0:48:590:49:01

-Dinesh.

-Like Dennis.

0:49:010:49:02

-Like Ganesh.

-Like Dennis, but not quite Dennis.

0:49:020:49:05

Oh, this is lovely!

0:49:050:49:07

Am I the lucky one, or not?

0:49:070:49:09

-I've got three boys!

-Three men in a boat, right?

0:49:090:49:13

-No baby.

-No baby!

0:49:130:49:15

Yet.

0:49:150:49:16

Rustie, Lionel, Paul and Dennis

0:49:190:49:22

are taking a houseboat through the backwaters,

0:49:220:49:24

where they can pass close to some of its impressive properties.

0:49:240:49:28

Is that somebody's private home there, the white?

0:49:310:49:34

-Yeah.

-How much would a house like that cost a year, in India?

0:49:340:49:38

That, I can say, approximately 15 million Indian rupees.

0:49:380:49:42

So that's about £150,000?

0:49:420:49:45

100 and... Yeah.

0:49:450:49:46

That would be about seven or eight million in England.

0:49:460:49:50

I'm a bit of a landlord on the quiet.

0:49:510:49:53

Certainly, I'd be interested, see what you can get, what the rent is,

0:49:530:49:56

what you pay for a house there.

0:49:560:49:57

Cos everybody needs a place to live.

0:49:570:49:59

The backwaters run 560 miles through the heart of the state.

0:50:020:50:07

Known as the Venice of the East,

0:50:070:50:10

these waterways connect Kerala's villages, towns and cities.

0:50:100:50:13

Bill, Amanda, Miriam and Sheila

0:50:160:50:18

are using the trip to get up close to village life in Kerala.

0:50:180:50:22

From here, we are going to touch the life and nature.

0:50:220:50:26

The heart of the villages.

0:50:260:50:27

Oh, my lord. Wow!

0:50:270:50:30

-Lord have mercy.

-Wow, he must have strong thighs.

0:50:310:50:34

He's very strong.

0:50:340:50:36

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

0:50:360:50:38

I'm trying to see if they've got television aerials.

0:50:400:50:42

Aerials, no need for aerials. It's cable.

0:50:420:50:44

That's what I wanted to know.

0:50:440:50:45

-You've got cable television all the way through here?

-Yes.

0:50:450:50:49

How many rooms would these houses have?

0:50:490:50:52

Probably three, ma'am. Two to three.

0:50:520:50:54

One bedroom, living room, kitchen?

0:50:540:50:55

-Yes, correct.

-And is the bathroom inside or outside?

0:50:550:50:58

No, most probably outside.

0:50:580:51:00

OK.

0:51:000:51:01

It was so reminiscent of my childhood in the American South

0:51:010:51:05

with my grandparents, and how we lived,

0:51:050:51:07

came back to me just like that.

0:51:070:51:08

CHILDREN SHOUT

0:51:080:51:10

They're going to race us!

0:51:100:51:11

The children are really happy to meet you.

0:51:110:51:13

Oh, look at you!

0:51:140:51:16

Seeing the life on the canals was fascinating.

0:51:160:51:19

The people live so simplistically.

0:51:190:51:21

Ah!

0:51:210:51:22

Oh, sorry, I thought he was holding a snake.

0:51:220:51:24

-Oh, Jesus.

-There's a man there bathing.

0:51:240:51:27

He's bathing.

0:51:270:51:28

35 miles downriver, Lionel, Dennis, Rustie and Paul

0:51:320:51:37

are entering Vembanad Lake.

0:51:370:51:39

Look at that,

0:51:400:51:41

it's just like a painting.

0:51:410:51:43

It's absolute... Something you read in a book.

0:51:440:51:48

Hello!

0:51:480:51:49

Local guide Shabib has brought them to his village.

0:51:500:51:53

CHILD SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

0:51:550:51:59

-Hello.

-Hello, there.

0:52:010:52:03

-How are you?

-This is Dennis...

-How are you?

0:52:030:52:06

..and Lionel.

0:52:060:52:07

-You live here?

-Always.

-That is my house.

0:52:080:52:11

-Is that your house?

-Lovely house.

0:52:110:52:14

-Grandpa...

-That's your grandpa?

-Yeah.

-Your grandfather.

0:52:140:52:17

So he's worked in the Kerala government transportation company,

0:52:170:52:20

you know, all his life.

0:52:200:52:22

-And he is retired now.

-And this is his home?

0:52:220:52:24

-Yeah, his home is...

-How old are you?

0:52:240:52:27

-Old. 84.

-84?

-84.

0:52:270:52:30

87.

0:52:300:52:32

But he does a lot of dancing.

0:52:320:52:34

THEY LAUGH

0:52:340:52:36

Do you want a sweet?

0:52:360:52:38

If you wanted peace of mind, build a house here and come here and live.

0:52:380:52:44

Because you wouldn't be happier.

0:52:440:52:47

You couldn't be happier.

0:52:470:52:48

When I first arrived, I thought, "Oh, my God.

0:52:480:52:51

"This isn't what I expected.

0:52:510:52:53

"I'm living in shanty town and it's going to be awful."

0:52:530:52:56

And I think I made a mistake.

0:52:560:53:00

I don't think I'll complain about another thing.

0:53:000:53:02

I can always come back to the memory of this.

0:53:030:53:05

This wonderful peacefulness.

0:53:070:53:09

Look at it.

0:53:090:53:10

Look at it.

0:53:120:53:13

Preparations for tonight's party are underway.

0:53:200:53:23

-That looks lovely.

-That look all right?

0:53:250:53:26

That really looks lovely.

0:53:260:53:28

Well done, Lionel. I'm expecting a lovely tap routine tonight, Lionel,

0:53:280:53:31

are we going to get it?

0:53:310:53:32

I'm just telling him to send out some little nibbles.

0:53:340:53:36

-Nibbles.

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:53:360:53:38

I've got the pork...

0:53:380:53:39

-Yes.

-In here.

0:53:390:53:40

Oh, lovely. That looks nice, watch your fingers.

0:53:400:53:43

OK, is everybody happy?

0:53:430:53:45

Yes? Let's have a lovely night.

0:53:450:53:47

OK.

0:53:470:53:48

The group's new neighbours are beginning to arrive at the house.

0:53:510:53:55

You were staying in a houseboat?

0:53:550:53:56

Yes, we were. Going up the canals.

0:53:560:53:58

It was lovely. It was interesting to see life,

0:53:580:54:01

and people living so simplistically.

0:54:010:54:03

They're so happy and smiling, and I'm like, "Yeah, OK."

0:54:030:54:07

My mind has totally relaxed

0:54:070:54:09

since I've been here, to the point where I'm not as hyper.

0:54:090:54:13

'So it has really slowed me down.'

0:54:130:54:15

-Hi. Ramesh.

-I'm a sort of actress.

0:54:150:54:18

On stage or TV...?

0:54:180:54:19

On all of it.

0:54:190:54:21

If we go back years and years.

0:54:210:54:23

Carry On films.

0:54:230:54:25

-Carry On films?

-Yes.

-Whoa!

0:54:250:54:28

-Lovely.

-I was Cleo in Carry On Cleo.

0:54:280:54:31

Oh, wow! Yes, you were, of course you were!

0:54:310:54:34

That's an embarrassment.

0:54:340:54:36

Why? Everybody knows it, here.

0:54:360:54:38

You mention this Cleo, they will know.

0:54:380:54:40

I'm going to need to take your autograph or something.

0:54:400:54:42

OK, darling.

0:54:420:54:43

Prince Charles's favourite group was The Three Degrees.

0:54:480:54:52

But we've got the best Degree with us.

0:54:520:54:55

Would you please welcome Sheila Ferguson!

0:54:550:54:57

# Each day I live

0:54:590:55:01

# I long to be

0:55:020:55:03

# A day to give

0:55:050:55:07

# The best of me

0:55:070:55:10

# I'm only one

0:55:110:55:13

# But not alone... #

0:55:130:55:16

Every day, there's something different.

0:55:160:55:19

It's a totally different lifestyle.

0:55:190:55:20

It's a very, very friendly lifestyle.

0:55:200:55:23

And we're still seeing things that I've never, ever seen.

0:55:230:55:27

# When I'm racing with destiny-y-y. #

0:55:270:55:32

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

0:55:320:55:34

It is India.

0:55:360:55:38

And it's fantastic.

0:55:380:55:39

# One man say I'm cute and funny

0:55:390:55:42

# I'm 19 and I... #

0:55:420:55:45

SHE LAUGHS

0:55:450:55:46

I'm looking forward to finding out what more India has to offer.

0:55:460:55:50

# I just lap it all up, like

0:55:500:55:52

# Honey... #

0:55:520:55:54

We're just fit for anything, actually.

0:55:540:55:56

We are. We're gung ho.

0:55:560:55:58

To have even more different adventures is a really,

0:55:580:56:02

really tasty thing to look forward to.

0:56:020:56:05

Oh, hello.

0:56:070:56:08

It's an eye-opener.

0:56:120:56:13

It grows on you.

0:56:140:56:16

And you fall in love with the place.

0:56:160:56:19

You do, really.

0:56:190:56:20

# I got

0:56:200:56:21

# Music

0:56:210:56:22

# I got

0:56:220:56:23

# My friends

0:56:230:56:24

# Who could ask for anything more? #

0:56:240:56:27

It's a wonderful Indian experience so far.

0:56:270:56:29

I look forward to more time spent here in India

0:56:290:56:32

with people that are fun and friendly.

0:56:320:56:35

# Who could ask for anything more? #

0:56:350:56:39

Two, three, four...

0:56:390:56:41

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

0:56:440:56:46

Next time...

0:56:510:56:53

Our eight senior citizens settle in to life in India.

0:56:540:56:58

Oh, sorry. Oh.

0:56:580:57:00

How often would you go playing golf on a tuk-tuk and a ferry?

0:57:020:57:06

It's all right.

0:57:100:57:11

And they travel further afield...

0:57:110:57:14

Big room. Fan.

0:57:140:57:15

Light. Perfect.

0:57:150:57:16

-Is it?

-Yeah.

0:57:160:57:18

..to explore the spiritual side of the country.

0:57:180:57:21

-Wow.

-It's just wondrous.

0:57:210:57:24

Wondrous.

0:57:240:57:25

The temple is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.

0:57:250:57:28

Knowing it's about love,

0:57:280:57:30

that makes me smile.

0:57:300:57:32

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