Episode 2 The Real Marigold Hotel

India - a country that overwhelms the senses.

The Garden of Eden must have been as beautiful as this.

With year-round warm weather and a low cost of living,

could this be the perfect place to retire?

If you'd won the lottery, where would you choose to be?

I'm going there almost as a child, with my eyes wide open.

Thank you.

Inspired by the blockbuster film, eight well-known faces

are spending a month in Kochi in the south of India...

-Oh, yes!

-Ooh, sorry. Ooh!

..to see if living out their golden years here

could be a real alternative.

-Oh, my God. I look fantastic!

-Handsome.

We started a dance down the street.

I never thought I would ever do that at my age!

Whatever, it's new and exciting. I haven't done it yet. Let's do it!

-And let go.

-SHE SCREAMS

Whoa!

But will the challenges of India prove a step too far?

Calm down, everybody! Chill pill!

There's something down there that feels like it shouldn't be.

Or could this incredible country give them real food for thought?

I can't help being excited by India.

The group are in their second week in Old Kochi,

in the southern Indian state of Kerala.

-Oh, morning, Dennis!

-Good morning, Miriam.

-Morning.

Hello, darling.

Although we are in India,

and although it's different,

it actually feels a bit like home.

And they are enjoying some of the simplest benefits

of their unusual retirement home.

-Honestly, you're a one-off.

-No, YOU'RE a one-off.

And you and I are very close in age.

Isn't it wonderful to be able to talk about the war?

'I find it really difficult when people talk about age.'

I never, ever envisaged getting to this age.

-Oh, my darling!

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Today is Amanda's 81st birthday.

I don't want to remember how old I am.

If you could hypnotise me and say, "Amanda,

"you have no idea what your age is," I think it might be quite good

because I haven't really changed at all, unfortunately.

-Oh, I can't reach you.

-Happy birthday. Come here.

I said happy birthday to you by mistake.

-Yes, you did, but it's all right. You missed mine.

-Thank you.

So, what would you like to do tonight, birthday girl?

I would like to be with you lot, Sheila!

Well, how about if we try to plan something around your profession?

-Oh, yeah!

-Yeah? I'm really looking forward to that.

Oh, I'm so glad it's not a surprise.

Oh, no, no! We wouldn't take you anywhere without theatre, darling.

Morning.

Shall we have a little bit of a power walk?

-Swinging your arms helps.

-Yeah, it's good.

Lionel and Dennis are up and out early,

along with their neighbours, to avoid the heat of the day.

As you get older, you do get aches and pains.

A doctor told me

it's because of all the dancing that I've done throughout my life.

So, when I wake up in India, I just love being warm.

I mean, it's good for old bones.

The people of Kerala have one of the highest life expectancies in India.

-See, he's got the arms going, yeah.

-Yeah.

-I don't think we'll catch him, but we can...

-No.

-HORN HONKS

-Morning.

Look at that.

Do they play football here before they go off to school?

They must do.

Come on! Come on! Jump, men, high!

I think he's calling you, Lionel.

-He wants you for a game.

-HE CHUCKLES

Watch it. Come here, come here!

-Are you the coach of them?

-I am the coach of this team.

-Of all of them?

-Yes. For 46 years, I am doing this.

-40...?

-46 years?

Oh, I started on the 19th of May 1970,

and I produced many players who have played for the country.

Soccer is the name of the beautiful game.

Played by the good, the bad and the ugly.

HE LAUGHS

-Look at them. Look at them training.

-Yeah.

-Wonderful!

How old is Rufus?

-85.

-85.

-86.

No. 80...?

86?

-86?

-Young!

-See? I'm like rubber.

-LIONEL LAUGHS

-87. 87!

-Whoa, you are like me! Good. Very good. We are very good!

-Hey, Rufus, Rufus?

-They should learn!

-92!

Very good. I'm running. I'm running off!

-See, my fitness, I am looking after my health, you know.

-Yes.

-You like to come for warming up?

-No.

-Come on, then! See the boys.

-I would love to, but I have a bad back.

-Rufus, it was great...

-No, you don't have a bad back. You have a big tummy.

-Yes, I know.

Your back is all strong, but you've got a tummy.

-Yes, it's a problem.

-It's a story - a long story.

I've had prostate cancer, and I had that treated,

and my health - touch wood - is fine,

but the treatments I had have given me a distended tummy

and this is what I hate is my belly.

And I loathe that.

It's a pleasure to know you.

It's a really excellent pleasure to meet you.

-Thank you very much.

-And I thank God for sending you here.

-See you, boys. Bye-bye.

-HE SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE

-BOYS:

-Thank you, sir!

-Good. Very good!

Thank you.

86? He's remarkable.

Oh, that's fantastic!

75-year-old bird-watcher Bill is enjoying a gentler pace of life.

When you get a whole chorus of them like that,

I think this is rather lovely.

And the silhouettes are rather lovely, too.

I'm most comfortable sometimes just being on my own.

I was an only child,

but I wasn't that happy at home, and I used to get on my bike

and cycle off to the reservoir and commune

-with the birds a bit, you know.

-HE CHUCKLES

Being out in the open air and in touch with nature

does help with mental health.

There's no question about that at all.

I was diagnosed as bipolar a few years ago now.

Its original title was manic-depressive

and I think that's so much better a description,

because depressive is easy to understand.

You're just lying in bed, you can't move,

you can't do anything, you can't think.

But the manic part, you're very hyper,

and it took several...

several years to sort of wheedle my way through this terrible journey

on the bipolar thing and come out the other end, I think,

sort of thinking, "OK, I feel OK now."

-Happy birthday, you.

-Thank you so much.

-Nice that we're having it here, isn't it?

-Thank you very much.

There might be all sorts of little treats going on.

-Dennis?

-Yes, Paul?

-Are you dressing up a little bit?

-Er, yeah.

-Are you putting a jacket on?

-Well, that's... No, that's perfect. Lovely.

-A little jacket?

You're just a... You're just a model, Paul.

Tonight, the group are heading out to celebrate Amanda's birthday.

I have a special ointment for my back, which aches when I walk.

Oh! Oh, that's lovely!

-Come on, then.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, here's the birthday girl!

-Where?

-Here she comes!

-ALL:

-# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Amanda

# Happy birthday to you. #

-Bravo!

-Oh, thank you!

-Bravo!

-That was so lovely.

-Speech!

-Oh!

All I can say is it's like winning the lottery,

having come here with you daft lot.

-THEY LAUGH

-It really is.

I can't think of anything to give you,

but if, by chance, I don't make it back to England,

my body parts are here for you!

-THEY LAUGH

-Thank you!

Oh, look at that! One go.

-Oh, one more. Quick, quick!

-THEY CHEER

-Thank you so much.

-I'll put it on the table.

-It just so happens I'm starving.

Look at that. Brilliantly done, if I may say so.

-Thank you, darling.

-Yes!

You've got a little bit of cream on your cheek, Amanda.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nothing changes!

THEY LAUGH

-Ready to rock and roll?

-Yeah.

Come along, my sweethearts. Shall we off?

Oh, we're going to the theatre. Come on, sweetheart.

-See you at 5.30.

-DENNIS:

-See you later.

-Have a good day.

And Sumesh is going with you, show you the way.

Sheila has organised a trip to see some traditional Kathakali.

This classical Indian theatre, featuring demons,

gods and goddesses, was born in the temples of Kerala.

-This is exciting, isn't it, Lionel?

-LIONEL:

-It's wonderful.

Ooh, sorry, I trod on myself going upstairs.

MUSIC PLAYS

I started off in the business as a chorus girl with Barbara Windsor.

Full make-up, skirts up here, eyelashes out there.

I love Indian dancing.

I was 17 years a dancer.

The actors in Kathakali tell the story

through dance and precise movement of the face and eyes.

-WHISPERS:

-My God. Look at the eyes.

Unbelievable.

APPLAUSE

-Whoa! Oh!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my goodness!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, wow!

-Marvellous!

-Oh, my God!

I never thought that I would be in India on my birthday

with people I'd never met before. It's wonderful!

Life does begin at 80.

You've got Miriam in her 80th year, Lionel is 87, Amanda who's over 80.

What an advert for old age that is.

-Oh!

-So, what was that about?

-I just thought the chair...

-You nearly fell over, didn't you?

-Try and behave.

-SHE LAUGHS

-How are we all feeling?

-Well, I've had a lovely day.

-Did you have a nice day?

-Yes, absolutely.

I'm feeling upset...

..about this.

I've had it for years and it is so depressing...

-Yeah.

-..you cannot imagine.

-But your prostate cancer has gone.

-You're healthy.

-I know!

But you'd like to get rid of the tummy?

So, why have I got this distended tummy?

I know it's been sometimes a bit of a joke to people.

-Not to us.

-It's not a joke to me.

-No, no!

-It hasn't been a joke.

-And... No, let me just...

-It's just...

-It's not a joke.

It was like the coach that was coaching the young lads in football.

He was a very fit 86 and he referred to Lionel's tummy.

And he said, "Yeah, but you've got a fat tummy."

-It made me feel dreadful.

-It shouldn't. It shouldn't.

But don't say it shouldn't if it's not you, Dennis.

-Lionel...

-It was me and it really hurt.

A lot of old people get a bit of a tummy.

It's usually from beer.

-But this isn't, and that is why it really worries me.

-I hear you.

-Hello!

-Good morning, darling.

-Hi.

This is my medication. Look, it's all into different bags.

That's the evening bag.

That's my favourite, really, because it contains the...

the only medicine that's ever worked for me, really, I think,

and that was... That's lithium, which I still take.

I've been doing for some years,

when I was diagnosed as being bipolar.

One of the doctors said,

"Anybody who ever saw The Goodies would've known that you're bipolar."

And I wish they'd told me that 20-odd years ago, but they didn't.

Anyway...

India is the home of Ayurvedic medicine.

Thought to be 5,000 years old,

it aims to balance body and mind through diet,

lifestyle and herbal remedies.

There are Ayurvedic clinics all over the state of Kerala.

Bill and Lionel are visiting one a five-minute drive from their home.

I do, actually,

I've got this little dream that some health guru

will wave their hand across me in India and I will feel a lot better.

-Hey. Hi, Bill.

-Yeah, hi.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yes.

I think I need you, if I may put it that way.

Um...

There's libido, meaning I don't feel like it,

-and there's libido, meaning I can't do it.

-Mm-hm.

And, um, I'm the second, put it that way, you know.

-Mainly because of medications.

-Mm-hm.

-I've got a beautiful wife.

I love female company and everything else,

and if nothing else, I'd like to think I could.

-HE LAUGHS

-But, um, I've learned to kind of

live with that for a long time, you know.

So, certainly, we do have certain things which you can try,

-if that's OK with you?

-Yeah, it doesn't involve a transplant or anything?

-No!

What I want you to do is try this external application.

Do you provide the lady, as well?

-We are not advanced to that level yet.

-You're not?

-All right?

"Eight to ten drops of the liniment

"to be massaged well into the affected part."

-Mm-hm. What it does...

-Is that what I think it is?

It is, and it really helps to increase the circulation.

-I'll test it.

-Exactly. Great!

-THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah, go there.

Yes.

Yes.

Next door, Lionel is having an Ayurvedic treatment

he hopes will reduce his distended stomach.

What I'm hoping is there might be a doctor there that will go,

"Ooh, I know exactly what you need! Zoom!" And it would go.

And that would be magical to me,

because no doctor in Britain has been able to.

Use some herbal powders, mixed with an oil,

which is rubbed onto your tummy by two lovely therapists from here.

And these young men will really try to take the fat out from your tummy.

It's smoothing it out.

It's like, I suppose, a form of ironing.

Ironing my tummy!

I'm hoping treatment in India will help my belly.

It's another culture, it's another way of living

and if I can get rid of this,

I would be the happiest person in the world.

Oh, it's wonderful!

Ooh!

All this sweating really gets you down.

After two weeks in India,

some of the group are still acclimatising

to the high temperatures.

It's so hot, always sweating.

-We're sweating so much.

-We're very sweaty people, darling.

Shall we go?

Good morning, Ali.

Undeterred by the hot weather,

Dennis and Paul have accepted an invitation

for a day out with two locals they met last week.

-Where are you going?

-Bolgatty Palace Golf Club, yes?

My big passion is golf.

You know, um, any spare time I have,

it would be spent on the golf course.

How often would you go playing golf on a tuk-tuk and a ferry?

-HORN HONKS

-Oh, dear! Let the games begin.

It costs £4.50 to play on this course.

Dennis and Paul are playing new friends Joe and Tom.

-Gentlemen, how are you?

-Fine, fine. Good morning, Dennis.

Morning, gentlemen. Lovely to see you.

-Tom.

-Tom, nice to see you.

Hi. Paul. How are you? Nice to meet you.

I've tried playing golf. Er, I'm not great at golf.

-Oh! Good start!

-Tough course, isn't it?

-THEY LAUGH

-Didn't go very far.

-It's still going. It's still going.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

We're in trouble here - Paul can't get the ball on the tee.

-HE LAUGHS

-I find it goes on a bit, doesn't it?

You know, and if you're cr...

-If you're not good at it...

-HE LAUGHS

-CLANGING, THEY LAUGH

-Can I go again?

-That's OK, yeah.

Oh, bugger!

-Off the tree, not bad.

-No, no, not bad. Not bad at all.

You have to keep mobile when you're older,

because just to be sedentary and not take part in life

is a downward spiral, I think, into real old age.

-It's OK.

-It's a chaser.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-THUDDING

-THEY LAUGH

-Well, I got the tree AND the car.

Don't worry, he's not supposed to park the car there.

He's not supposed to park it there.

'I don't really have a health regime,'

but I play a lot of golf, so you walk five or six mile a day.

I try to look after my heart cos that's the big thing.

Back in 1984, I got a terrible phone call

saying that my mum had died suddenly. She was only 62.

She'd had a massive heart attack.

Because of that, I try to keep myself reasonably fit.

And I don't tend to think too far forward

and I just accept everything as it comes along

because you never know what's round the corner.

Just enjoy every single day.

So, I need to get this close.

OK?

-Oh!

-THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

It's the old cliche, enjoy every single day, and I do.

And when I play a game of golf, I put a little tick there

and I'll say, "That's another day they can't take away from you."

-Brilliant.

-That's the second time today.

Brilliant!

Dennis cannot imagine retirement without golf.

For Bill, having access to wildlife is a must.

Today, he and Lionel are heading to a nature reserve.

Ah!

At some point, I'd love to stop at a garage with a loo.

I should've done that earlier, really, and I didn't.

-Yeah, yes, please.

-See if they have a toilet.

-HE GROANS

-Shake hands with an old friend?

-Point Percy to the porcelain?

-HE LAUGHS

God! I can't see!

Better?

Yeah.

But in itself, that is not a pleasurable experience.

There's no light, no paper,

you've no idea where you are, you're feeling around in the dark.

-I didn't like it.

-No, I wouldn't.

-Didn't like it at all.

Just a few hours from Kochi,

the Western Ghats region is world-renowned for its wildlife.

DOOR CREAKS LOUDLY

-Was that you, me or an elephant?

-It's a very good noise.

I am most comfortable in a sort of wildlife setting.

Those beautiful kingfishers on the wires,

and they're bigger and brighter and lovelier than ours.

It's absolutely mind-blowing!

Oh, this is...

-HE SNEEZES

-Excuse me!

That's it - you've scared all the wildlife with that sneeze.

Being quiet is quite an important thing.

# The hills are alive with the sound of wildlife! #

-Yes!

-The hills are alive with the sound of me grumbling!

THEY LAUGH

I might have to gag Lionel, mightn't I?

I'll wait here for you, Dad!

Whoa, coucal, coucal. That's a coucal.

HE WHISTLES

I collapsed into a state -

whenever it was, six, seven years ago -

and the first thing I did was stop going out birding

on Hampstead Heath, which was my regular place.

That was a definition of depression for me.

A sign, you know, that all the joy has gone for the time being.

But I'm happy to say it's come back.

HE WHISTLES

BIRD CALLS

Listen to that.

Now, Bill would probably love that, and would know exactly who it is.

Often, you know, wherever we've been,

he's taken himself off by himself.

Maybe, in a big group, he kind of holds back,

but today, with me, we've had a laugh,

and I think he's enjoyed it.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

-Do that again.

-Ooh, ooh!

-No, three, please.

-Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

# The funky gibbon. #

THEY LAUGH

-I couldn't resist it.

-There you go! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

It's not a gibbon, that's for sure.

-Namaste, good morning.

-Good morning. How are you?

-Fine. How are you?

-Fantastic.

At this morning's yoga class...

HE CHANTS

..teacher Raj is introducing them to the art of chanting.

-Mrityor ma.

-ALL:

-Mrityor ma.

Jyotir gamaya.

-ALL:

-Jyotir gamaya.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Shut up, Rustie! Shut up, Rustie!

Your faces!

SHE LAUGHS

I thought if I looked like I knew it, he might think I did.

I don't think you're ever too old to learn new things.

I don't anticipate putting my leg behind my head, you know.

HE LAUGHS

Very good.

Oopsy! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Vertigo. It's vertigo, vertigo.

-Can I help?

-No, no, I'll be all right.

-You get on with what you're doing...

-OK, fine.

..and I'll just crawl round the corner!

-It's vertigo. Sorry.

-What is it? What's happened?

I got vertigo. I get...

Well, the lot of it is, I get vertigo.

I haven't had it for ages.

Vertigo is the sensation of spinning while standing still,

which induces nausea.

It can be caused by a problem with the inner ear.

-Steady?

-Oh, yes.

-Give me your hand, then. Come on.

I knew things were spinning when I was doing the yoga.

I laid back and the vertigo went boom!

And I thought, "There's no way I can stand up."

And I thought, "I've got to get out of the way

"cos I'm getting in everybody's way."

I just felt rather silly and stupid.

I was supposed to come to India...

..to find peace and calm and find myself,

and I think I bloody well have!

Look at me! That's me!

Amanda has decided to visit the local hospital

to see a doctor about her vertigo.

Lionel, Dennis and Rustie are going along with her.

One of the largest in Kerala,

this hospital provides the residents of Kochi

with some of the most hi-tech health care in India.

What a fabulous hospital. Lovely.

SCANNER BEEPS

Those are my hips going off.

I'm a weird person as far as health is concerned.

Two doctors I've had have said to me,

"You're extraordinarily tough,

"but then you've got a horse's nervous reaction to things."

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Please come on in.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-I'm all right.

Um, I hear you're the person that I have to come to talk to

because I've been suffering from vertigo.

-Well, I can do that procedure.

-Oh, thank you!

-Up here.

-OK.

When you have it badly, it feels as if you're having a fit

because it's like the inside of your head spins and you cannot see.

It's awful.

OK, keep your eyes open.

-Ooh. Ooh, sorry. Bad, bad, bad!

-Sorry for the discomfort.

-OK, yeah.

-It's OK now?

-Yeah, OK.

-Keep it down. Keep it down there.

There is a manoeuvre he did

to whip the crystals over that go in the bottom of your ears.

It's as simple as that.

-You need to hold it for another 20 seconds.

-OK.

-Are you feeling OK?

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK, now you sit up.

-I wasn't feeling it.

Now, you may do it evening time at home.

-Yeah.

-OK? You can do it yourself.

-Yeah.

-OK?

-How are you feeling now?

-I'm all right. I'm settling down.

-Thank you very much.

-OK?

-Yes. Really, thank you.

Oh, sorry! Ooh!

HE LAUGHS

We're getting into the swing of Indian traffic, aren't we?

79-year-old Miriam and 72-year-old Paul

are exploring their local neighbourhood...

-BELL DINGS

-It's a good bell.

..and keeping fit.

I would like to... Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm OK.

-I cycle every day in the UK.

-Mm-hm.

-But on a spinning bike, which is stationary.

-Yes.

-Ooh, ooh! Paul, I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

-Um...

Because I think, er, bicycling is good exercise.

Absolutely. And there's one very important ingredient

that you should always try and have in your life, if possible,

for good health, and that's laughter.

-Cos when you laugh, you boost your immune system.

-Really?

Yeah. So, find yourself a joker

and, er, spend some time with them.

-Absolutely.

-I mean, I think Dennis would be wonderful,

you know, to spend time with to keep you healthy

-because it's a laugh a minute with Dennis.

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Either that or you end up killing him.

THEY LAUGH

HE IMITATES PHONE RINGING

Ooh, I'll just get this call. Hello? Hi, Louis. Yeah, everything's fine.

Yeah, the nurse was lovely. Everything's fine, thank you.

OK, thank you, sir.

At the hospital, Dennis is taking the opportunity

to have a full body health check, costing £135.

The screening checks for critical diseases

and tests all organ function.

I've got little boobies!

It would cost over £800 for the same procedure in the UK.

-I'm just looking at your heart, OK?

-OK.

You know, back when my mum passed away,

if we had have known that there was anything wrong with her heart,

we could've... we could've done something.

HEARTBEAT ON MONITOR

-See, your heart is good.

-Oh, that's good.

-OK?

Functionally, it is quite efficient.

So, you can continue all these activities with impunity.

-And a bit more exercise?

-Yeah, you can, safely.

To hear that is, er, excellent news. Makes me smile even more. Yeah.

-Well, how did you get on?

-Everything's perfectly healthy.

Oh, wonderful! That's great.

Lovely. Cos you're always a little bit, you know,

-with my mum having a heart attack at 62...

-Yeah.

..you always worry a little bit, but everything's fine.

-Thank heavens. That's good news.

-There we go.

You see? It's cos you laugh the most.

Yeah. "Keep smiling," he said. "Keep laughing and smiling."

-Keep laughing.

-Which you do all the time.

-Yeah.

-AMANDA:

-More jokes and more jokes!

-Oh, no!

Oh, come on! Ooh, that'll keep me from eating much!

The group are settling in to local life in Kochi,

but are keen to make more friends.

I think the rear view is very important.

We forget to do the rear view quite often.

'I've always loved India, but gradually,

'I've found myself falling in love with India.'

Done.

I think the main change is that I'm feeling at home.

I feel comfortable here.

Well, I just don't know whether to do this.

Tonight, they've accepted an invitation to drinks in the city.

That's all right, isn't it?

We are going tonight to meet, um, the expats who live here,

and have presumably been here for some time,

and did move out here and retire,

so I suppose they're going to know everything that we want to know.

OK, do you think the expats are ready for this?

Let's do it!

Hey, very nice.

I think your ensemble is let down by your underpants.

-THEY LAUGH

-I know.

-I am wearing them.

-Is he really...?

-I'm sure you are, but they don't match.

Unless you put the brown ones on.

-Guess again.

-No, it's the black ones again.

-RUSTIE:

-The black ones?

-No, no, more dangerous than that.

-The purple?

-The purple!

India has the fastest-growing economy in the world,

encouraging thousands of people to move to the country.

This evening is the regular social gathering

for foreign residents living in Kochi.

-Dennis Taylor's my name.

-Nice to meet you.

-How are you?

-My name is Sheila.

-Sheila, I'm Chris.

-Chris?

-How long have you lived here?

-This is our seventh year.

-And how's India treating you?

-I like India very much.

-Do I look like I'm from Kerala?

-No. Where are you from?

-I'm from New York.

-You're not!

-Yeah.

-Philadelphia!

-No! Really?

-Yeah, Philadelphia! Whoa!

-So, are you thinking about...

-Yeah, yeah.

-.."Could I possibly live here?"

-It's something I'm thinking about.

I can move anywhere I want in the world.

I now need to make that choice.

-Yes.

-You know, I'm divorced and another criteria

is the fact that there may not be enough people.

I need to find a guy who's single.

Hey, I have to tell you, I have met plenty of gentlemen

-who I think would enjoy meeting...

-Really?

-..a vivacious Philly girl.

-Really?

-I think so.

-Well, there is hope for me, then.

-Yes.

Do you have retirement homes here?

-They're starting to happen.

-Old-age people's homes, yes.

-I just...

-You see, what's happened is,

traditionally in India,

-the family look after the old people.

-Yes, that's right.

That's changing now, like so many other things.

My mind is so open about India.

I mean, it's a sort of watch this space.

It is a different life

and it has got an enormous amount of things, I think, to offer.

Where we live is actually not far from here.

It's overlooking this waterway, beautiful view,

-the Chinese fishing nets just below our balcony...

-That's lovely.

..and what we pay - I'll state it in dollars -

it's just about 500 a month...

-Is that all?

-That's incredible.

-..for a sizeable...

'If I see a place that I like, I might say,

'"I've got to live here."

'I don't owe anybody in the world money'

and I have no mortgage. Everything I have, I own outright.

I like that. I don't like bills.

So, that's why I'm saying I can move anywhere I choose to move,

without any ties.

-See, I'm an adventurer.

-Yeah.

You know, whatever is new and exciting,

I haven't done it yet - let's do it!

-There you go.

-So then that means India's the place for you.

-Exactly!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

'We've met some of the most amazing people.'

They say the quality of life here is so much better than it is at home

and they can live cheaper here

and go to places that are historically wonderful

and they have the best quality of life here in Kochi.

-I've just got to say something.

-Yes?

-Look at that moon.

Oh, no, it's not - it's a lamp! I'm mad. I thought it was the moon!

Lionel was just pointing...

Are you awake, darling? Are you awake?

Since his appointment, Bill has been following the instructions

from his Ayurvedic doctor.

He's given me a little oily thing, which left stains on the bed,

-which wasn't at all nice...

-Oh, my God. That's not good.

..for impotence.

-What? That's supposed to get you up?

-Yes.

-THEY LAUGH

-Have I got to lock my door?

Yes, you will, yes. Sheila's in great danger.

-She's next door, yeah.

-THEY LAUGH

I mean, do you really think that's healing?

-Is that supposed to be for your impotence, then?

-God knows!

Question for Miriam,

as undoubtedly the expert in the area of health

and things that you get that make you better -

is there any evidence that any of them work?

One of the reasons why I would have to say

I don't know about Ayurvedic medicine...

I don't know what it is.

No, the reason I don't know is

because I'm not a believer in alternative medicines.

I only believe in medicines that have been proven to work

and are effective, and there's hardly any research at all.

For that reason, and because, as a doctor,

I can't recommend anything to a person

if I don't know if it works,

I've kind of shunned alternative medicine.

And, you know, probably the most powerful healing organ

-you've got is your brain.

-You saying that...

I was told it was something in my brain that is causing this.

-Really?

-My tummy. Yes.

And it's not helping my tummy at all.

That's why I'm interested in going, because every doctor I've been to -

that I've told about this thing -

I said, "Can I get rid of it?" and they said no.

-I'm not saying that everyone should agree with me.

-DENNIS:

-Right, yeah.

And there are, um, orthodox doctors who use homoeopathic medicines

and alternative, complementary therapies.

The interesting thing is is that one in three people

will respond to taking something which is inactive,

and that's cos they believe.

-Now, that, in a way, is magical and mystical.

-Yes, it is.

I think it is something to do with that.

There's a part of your brain.

Despite Dr Miriam's doubts, Lionel is having his second session

with the Ayurvedic doctor to find out

if there is more he can do to help his stomach.

It's now 38 or 39.

-I used to be a 32, 34.

-OK.

We might be able to help losing inches.

Not your weight perhaps.

-So, the initial...

-Oh, inches would be wonderful!

But, er, I'd like to ask a few other questions, as well,

-regarding your diet.

-That's all right.

-How about your appetite? Do you feel...?

-It's wonderful.

-Is it vegetarian? Non-vegetarian?

-No, I eat everything.

-OK.

-Do you have a sweet tooth?

-I love sweets, yes.

-Ah.

-Chocolate mousse, yes.

-Ah, OK.

-HE CHUCKLES

-I'm not a big breakfast eater.

-OK.

-I might have a croissant...

-Ah, OK.

-..or a Danish.

-So, you really do have a really sweet tooth?

-Yes!

Do you nibble on anything in between?

-Sometimes.

-OK.

-Biscuits.

-Biscuits?

-Oh, my God. That's the worst thing to nibble on.

-I know!

-So, you said you are windy?

-Windy?

-Windy.

-You know, full of gas and...

-I have gas.

-Night, you are quite OK?

-At night, I get windy.

-You get windy at night? OK.

-Yes.

Regarding the wind, the first thing what we would try is

adjusting your diet a little bit.

I want you to drink a bit more of water into it and then

I would like you to have some buttermilk.

-Buttermilk?

-Buttermilk,

with some curry leaves in it and a slash of ginger

because there is good bacteria in it.

The good bacteria kind of grows in number

and it should help to bring down your tummy, as well.

-Really?

-Yeah. And I would like you

to do something called wind-relieving posture in yoga,

early morning, as well as just before you go to your bed.

-Um, I think I'm doing yoga tomorrow.

-OK, fantastic.

Can you write all this down?

-Definitely. I can write it down for you.

-Yeah.

So, it's more of a lifestyle change, where you have, you know...

Do certain small things in your daily life,

it can actually go a long way and help with all the problems you have.

All right?

It was the best...

..medical examination since I've had this tummy.

He's given me information that nobody in the UK has told me,

and he said, "I will promise you,

"you will lose a few inches off your tummy."

That's all I ask for! What more could I want?

Dennis, not only am I going to lose weight here,

I've lost 20 years off my life, so I'm now 67.

-That's fantastic.

-Isn't that good?

-Yeah.

-You're now the same age as me, Lionel.

-I know!

And he said things that made such sense.

I've got to have things with ginger and cumin and hot water

-to help the wind and everything.

-Cumin?

-Yeah.

That's what I am, you know - a cumin!

-You're a cumin being?

-I knew you were going to...

-That's two in a row, that is!

-BILL LAUGHS

Well, we'd better get off, you know.

Yeah, can't wait to get back and see you.

Yeah, God bless, sweetie.

Mustn't forget the old hat. Lights off.

With the group feeling settled in Kochi,

some are ready to venture further afield.

-Must stop all this kissing!

-Bye-bye!

-Bye-bye.

-Bye, everybody!

See you in a few days, nice little room.

-Come on, Dennis.

-Come on, Dennis.

-You've got your pillow?

-That's a very wise precaution.

-Yes.

They're going to visit one of the holiest temples in India.

But with a 13-hour train journey to get there,

Amanda, Bill and Lionel have decided to stay at home.

I have never been so tired in all my life.

I am so tired.

Going in... Oh, magic, magic bed!

And Little Ted.

I've gone. Goodbye.

The rest of the group are preparing for a night

on the 11.15 sleeper train.

-Here we go.

-Thanks, Paul.

-PAUL:

-All right, darling.

We don't travel the way we used to do with the snooker world.

I don't travel abroad now. It'll just be for holidays there.

So, that'll be fascinating to see what a train journey will be like.

Look at his glasses!

His glasses are steamed up! We'd better find the train!

-I'll take you in, you old dear.

-THEY LAUGH

It's a chance to test out India's famous railways,

but first, they'll have to find their train.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Paul, wait! Do you know where you're going?

-Chennai to the left.

-Do you know where you're going?

-How about here?

-Have you seen Chennai Express, the sign?

'I thrive on having new experiences and new adventures.'

I definitely want to travel across India. It's like, try everything

once to see if you like it. Well, within reason.

I think we've got to go up the stairs and over the platform.

But nobody saw the sign that said Chennai Express!

What time does the train go off?

-5 past 11.

-Platform two, so turn right.

-OVER TANNOY:

-'Platform number 1 at 23 hours...'

-Hold it, hold it.

Two there, look. It says two up there.

-She said platform three.

-Oh, what?

-I heard her say three.

-Let's go down.

-Paul does not want to wait for anybody.

-I think it's this one.

-Come back, Paul!

-What time's the train?

-11.05.

-11.05?

-It's here.

-I still haven't seen a Chennai sign.

-Big adventure, eh?

-Fantastic. It's just like Chester Central.

SHE LAUGHS, TRAIN HORN HONKS

Is that us?

-It's not exactly the bullet, is it?

-Oh!

-Oh, my...!

-Oh, my life!

-PAUL:

-Just a bit overcrowded.

Well, these look like sleepers, don't they?

-RUSTIE:

-Yeah, they look like sleepers.

For £13, they'll each have a bed in the second-class sleeper carriage.

-A1?

-A1.

-We've got it?

-Look, it says A1. A1.

-Is this A1? Thank you, Paul.

-Sorry, go on.

-No, go ahead, Dennis.

-No, go ahead, Miriam.

-Thank you, thank you.

That's it. Great. We're here.

-SHEILA:

-I don't see an A and I don't see a bloody 1!

-MIRIAM:

-No, it was outside.

-PAUL:

-This is A1.

-I don't see it in here.

-No, but it was outside, Sheila.

-Calm down, everybody! Chill pill!

-I don't know where we are now.

-RUSTIE:

-I'm here.

-Is this your bag, Rustie?

-No, my bag's here.

-I'm 21. There we go.

-It's up here, yeah.

You know, there's Reno, Tahoe, and back to the ghetto! Ha!

Never in my life have I slept on a train.

I'm thinking Orient Express.

Look, if it's good for the Indians, it's good enough for me, all right?

I think we are in here.

Ooh, no, I don't fancy that.

-It's like Some Like It Hot.

-Yeah! There's a man sleeping.

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.

Are they going to come round with sheets? He's got two sheets.

I think he's taken one from here.

The overnight journey will take them from Kerala to Madurai

in the neighbouring state of Tamil Nadu.

It's like going camping. It's like being...

-It's like a sleepover somewhere.

-It is.

Anybody got liquid Valium?

So I can get to sleep!

This is luxury, mate. Big room, fan, light.

-I've never been on an overnight train.

-Perfect.

-Is it?

-Yeah!

-Oh, no! OK.

-I've lived a very difficult life!

-THEY LAUGH

-Goodnight, darling.

-Goodnight, my sweetheart.

We did all right, didn't we?

-Give me a shout in about 12 hours.

-PAUL:

-Goodnight. Goodnight.

The group are ten hours into their journey

and are now in Tamil Nadu.

-Dennis?

-Yes?

Well, I didn't sleep terribly well.

These beds are a bit hard, aren't they, don't you think?

-Yeah, they're quite hard.

-They're like sleeping on a board.

Though did you manage to not have to get up for the toilet

-or are you OK?

-I did. I had to get up.

I nearly went out the window at one point...

-THEY LAUGH

-..I was so desperate!

So, how did the girls sleep?

I think they do look better than us in the mornings.

They don't look better than you, darling.

You look gorgeous any time of the day.

HE LAUGHS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Did you fall asleep, no?

I didn't sleep properly. Even so, it's a great experience.

-Oh, fantastic.

-Oh, yeah.

-Great experience.

-I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

-Nor me.

-We won't want to go home.

-No, for sure.

-I don't want to go home already.

-Yeah.

I'm looking forward to the temple.

This is going to be quite an experience.

People have been worshipping there

for the last 1,000 years, apparently.

-They must be exhausted.

-HE LAUGHS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello. What's your name?

-Mia.

-Mia? Well, that's a very pretty name, isn't it?

How old are you, Mia?

-Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

-Oh!

-No, you're not ten! You're not ten!

-That's really good counting.

-What's this?

-Lips.

-What's this?

-Ears.

-What's that?

-Hand.

-Yes!

-Good girl!

-And what is that?

-Watch.

-Good girl.

-Does she speak any other languages?

-Five languages.

-Five?!

-Five?

-Which ones?

-Bengali, Hindi, Malayalam, Tamil, English.

How did she learn all them? How?

In the housing, Bengali...

-Ah!

-She is learning.

-She just picks it up naturally?

-SHEILA:

-What do you want to be when you're a big girl?

-MIRIAM:

-Do you want to be a teacher or do you...?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Oh, yes.

-Well, that's a very good thing to be.

-Yeah.

After 13 hours, the group have arrived in Madurai.

-They're not that keen on an escalator here, are they?

-Not really.

The city's skyline is dominated by the gateway towers

of the Meenakshi Amman Temple...

These are nice old cars, these are.

..a ten-minute taxi ride from the station.

I'll get in the back, then.

-HORNS BLARE

-Oh!

-Hello.

It's like they're talking to each other with the horn!

HORNS BLARE

-BRAKES SCREECH

-Oh!

-It's all right.

It's only a woman and a man.

-PAUL:

-It's amazing we've never seen a crash, isn't it?

-Mm-hm.

-HORN BLARES

-Oh, yeah! Whoo!

There's a rhythm to it, isn't there? There's a dance.

They just hope everyone knows the steps.

THEY LAUGH

The spiritual side of India does interest me

because I'm not particularly religious,

in that I don't know anything about Buddhism or Hinduism or anything.

I'm sure there must be something spiritual

that means something to me.

Ah, here we are.

It's just wondrous.

-RUSTIE:

-Oh, my goodness gracious!

There has been a temple on this site for over 2,000 years.

It's like being in a painting.

It's very different to any temple I've ever seen before -

the colour, the figurines, the statues.

And it obviously holds great store for Indians, particularly Hindus.

This sacred place for the Hindu religion

is dedicated to the goddess Meenakshi.

Legend has it that her marriage to Shiva

was the biggest event on Earth,

with the entire world descending on Madurai.

Each year, hundreds of Hindu couples are married in this temple.

I don't think there's anything in this world more precious than love.

So, to have a temple to exalt love, to me,

is, you know... I'm in heaven here.

Everywhere I go, I can't help being excited by India.

-See the different towers?

-RUSTIE:

-Yeah.

-There are 11, I think.

-11?

One, two, three, four, five. We can see five from here.

-Oh, from here?

-And they're spectacular!

-PAUL:

-Excuse me, do you speak English?

-We're from London.

-I'm Rashid.

-Hello, Rashid. I'm Paul.

-Nice meeting you.

-How are you?

-This is my wife, Mina.

-Hello, Mina. How are you?

-I'm Mina, hi.

So, you've come here just to sightsee

-or to worship or what, exactly?

-No, because we got married here.

Four years before, we got married, but today is our wedding day.

-Oh, I see.

-But lots of difficulties.

-Why was that?

I propose to her and father not accept it.

-We have a different caste in the society.

-Yeah.

My brother-in-law, he worked very hard to merge the families.

Now my parents are very happy with him.

They're happy with him now?

Well, love triumphs everywhere. Love is the most important thing.

Yeah. I mean, she's my soul, everything.

Yeah. Do you have any family?

Er, we don't have any babies so far.

We've been worshipping for four years. We are...

All the time, we come here. It's a very special temple for us.

It is believed that the goddess Meenakshi and her husband Shiva

can bestow the gift of fertility.

Each night, effigies of them are laid to rest together

in the belief that they can make love

and regenerate the universe.

-You come here to ask for a baby?

-Yeah, a lot.

We are doing fasting, we are doing a lot of prayers.

In India, the fertility is most important than the prosperity.

-Ah!

-Really?

-So, if you have fertility, the prosperity is...

That's why there are so many Indians, then?

-THEY LAUGH

-We don't want to waste the nights.

No, I can tell.

-DENNIS:

-Well, we wish you all the best, yeah.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Family, for the Indian people,

is the most important thing in their lives.

More important than having money.

I mean, I've got two lovely children -

Cameron and Amber, 9 and 11 - and then I've got a grown-up family.

I mean, how lucky am I when you hear people like that

and all they want to do is just have one child?

I mean, how could you love the Indian people any more?

They've got their values going on.

The temple is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.

It really is special. It is breathtaking.

But knowing it's about love, that makes me smile.

And it's a lovely story of the goddess

and how she went from being the warrior princess

and conquering the world to meeting the right guy -

that, to me, symbolises hope. There is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Next time...

-No three-point turn with this man.

-Yeah.

-Straight round!

I want to know how to do...this.

How to get into a sari.

It's like putting together furniture!

..the group celebrate the magnificence of the tiger...

You do look like you've got a couple of fried eggs on there.

-DENNIS:

-Definitely sunny side up!

..and experience the colour and magic of a Keralan wedding.

There is something so genuine about it.

It shines out of the people.

Whatever that is, I would like some of it.