Episode 3 Fix My Family

The Lakelands of Fermanagh.

For centuries, a place of spiritual retreat.

For seven days, the stunning island of Lusty Beg has become home

to three courageous families from Northern Ireland.

They're attempting a radical change to their diet and lifestyles

in a bid to lose weight and live healthier lives.

This week, here at Lusty Beg for the three families,

is about us tackling the issue of their weight problems from every which angle.

For Isobel, Nick and daughter Rachael,

Ryan, Ellie, Mum Cara, and Stepdad Johnny,

and for mother and daughter Rosie and Ellen,

it's about letting go of the past and looking to a better future.

I feel as if I sort of need him.

But he's not there.

Under the guidance of a team of experts

in nutrition, fitness and psychotherapy

the families are facing an intensive mind, body and spirit experience.

It's a week of challenges, both for the families...

On Friday, I want you to run a mile with me.

...and for the experts...

I suppose your question to me is,

-because you're sitting quietly, are you going to give us anything?

-Precisely!

Above all, it's a journey of self-discovery.

I don't know whether losing the weight and becoming slim again

is going to make me that person again.

Am I not already that person?

It's day three on the island

and the families are settling into a new routine.

They're trying to build in regular exercise -

a habit which, if kept up, will help them with permanent weight loss.

I'm knackered!

And they're making healthier food choices,

which includes starting the day with breakfast.

-Well?

-It's OK.

-Just OK?

-Well, it needs sugar.

The children, like two thirds of kids in Northern Ireland,

get nowhere near the recommended levels of physical exercise.

Personal trainer John Coulter aims to change that this week.

Two, one...

And... Collapse!

We're going to make sure we're ready to get started.

-What? We haven't started?

-We haven't even started yet.

We're just warming up, Ryan. You're doing well.

-Morning.

-Good morning.

While John works on the kids' motivation,

clinical psychologist Dr Raman Kapur welcomes the parents

to his group therapy session.

It doesn't take long to get going.

People think fat people are lazy.

People get the impression

that you're fat because you go home and you never do anything.

Because all you do is sit and eat.

In fact, we have busy lives. We're doing busy jobs.

We're juggling many balls

and, unfortunately, I think this is one that just has fallen.

I thought the grass was greener on the other side.

Everybody else's family sitting there doing healthy things,

just a nice family unit.

And then you realise that the rut we're in,

an awful lot of families are the same.

I know I can eat the healthy stuff,

I know I can do the exercise when I put my mind to it.

It's just overcoming the side that says you can't do it.

But the battleground is in your head.

And perhaps that's where, quite understandably,

you think I can give you some tips on how to manage that.

You say you're on one side of the minefield

and you have to get to the other side, and best of luck.

Whereas, there's the other side of the minefield.

Here's a map and compass.

It's up to you to get through using the tools.

The experts will give you some of the tools and the compass.

Your question to me is, "What's your flipping compass and tool?

"You're sitting there quietly. Are you going to give us anything?"

-Precisely!

-I know! OK!

I think what happens with a lot of people

is they immediately put into the expert

all of the capacity to make things better.

And they can often feel that

they want the expert to do a bit of magic.

But if I collude with the part of them

that wants me to do the work for them,

I'm disabling them, in my view. Cos I'm basically saying,

"You be passive, give it to me to sort out."

Life's not like that.

Certainly, in my view, effective therapeutic work isn't like that.

John has got the children behaving like children and having some fun.

A simple game of tag has them out of breath, which is key

to increasing cardiovascular fitness.

Ideally, they'd be doing a minimum of an hour's exercise every day.

The girls are still enjoying the game,

but Ryan suddenly seems to have had enough.

John wants to find out what the problem is and keep Ryan motivated.

How are you, Ryan? A bit tired?

How's the asthma? OK?

It's not that. It's everything else, really.

Really? What was it?

It's just the way that I'm sick of everyone going for me.

You got chased down a bit?

What happened? You got away from them all.

And you got me. You got me twice!

Yeah, but it tired me out.

It really got your fitness level? Think about that as a positive.

You're able to get away, and run around a bit.

You're able to work that bit harder. You did well today.

It just annoyed me as well because my asthma would stop it.

If it plays up, even if I'm so fit to do it, I can't do it.

That side of the story, get your breathing down as well.

We'll work on it when you're doing some running.

We'll have a look at how you can get your breathing better.

I know certainly it troubled me when I was younger.

It is that difficulty.

But your fitness levels are good and you'll hopefully grow out of it, more importantly.

You did really well.

With reassurance from John that his asthma needn't hold him back,

Ryan will be able to work on his fitness over the week.

In the meantime, the children have

a group session with clinical psychologist, Dr Rachel Andrew.

In yesterday's session, the children each showed photos of themselves.

One which they liked and one which they didn't feel so good about.

Today, they start work on leaving negative emotions behind.

What I wanted us to do is have a think about the feelings that we had

looking at those photographs.

I had written some things down that I had thought

stood out for me yesterday.

Maybe that there were some feelings of being angry or sad.

I thought what would be helpful

is for us to start to write down some of those feelings.

And I wanted us to write them on the stones in the middle.

Ellen, when you looked at that picture, how did it make you feel?

Sort of angry at myself.

-Right.

-In a way.

-I got upset as well.

-Right.

I think sometimes the link between weight and the way

people think and feel about themselves can be a direct one.

But I think sometimes it can be much more hidden.

When I took the picture I didn't feel anything - just happy I was on holiday with my family.

But every time I look at it, it makes me feel

like I've just thrown everything away that I think was good.

Oh, right.

-That makes

-me

-feel sad when you say it.

But also, there's a huge amount of responsibility

that you feel it's your fault?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I was the one that said I wanted the take-out

or if I didn't want to.

Sometimes I always wanted to do it but sometimes I didn't.

And when you talk to your friends,

would they be able to be in charge of getting takeaways and food?

Sometimes no. Because my friends, they get a treat every Saturday.

-Yeah.

-You see?

-Yeah.

-And the rest of the day,

her mum or dad would make her something.

-Because her mum or dad would be coming home earlier.

-Right.

The children are doing well, putting their thoughts into words.

But Rachael's mum, Isobel, in her first one-on-one session with Raman,

is still finding it all a bit of a struggle.

It's always difficult to start and knowing where to start.

There's too much going on and I don't know where to start.

For Isobel, it's not so much about losing weight.

It's more about not passing on her own insecurities

and poor relationship with food to her daughter.

I don't want to be a stick insect. I'm happy enough having my curves.

I'm 45. I don't want to be a supermodel.

I just want to be healthy and still be around to help Rachael.

Because Rachael's going the way...

To me, she's a wee pudding at the minute. But she is only 10.

-I don't want her growing up with

-my

-hang-ups.

Perhaps you are worried about

making a go at talking about it for fear of getting it wrong?

As I've said previously, it's that big thing at the back of my mind

of being the failure that I think I am.

It does seem that it's this

feeling and conviction that you're a failure the really brings you down?

Yeah.

And it may not be true.

You have almost forfeited your right to have ideas or have your own feelings and your own personality.

It's hard to get the words.

I know the feelings but I can't get the words.

You're doing OK.

It's strange.

Very strange.

You don't know what he's thinking.

And then you find yourself going off on a tangent.

Again, it's that, "What's he thinking and how is he judging you?"

Isobel is convinced that other people are judging her critically

and that comes from this conviction that she has about herself

that every time she judges herself, she is bad.

She was looking to me to not only ask her how to start the session but worrying about my judgment.

Which, inevitably, she thought was going to be bad.

So she's not really giving herself much of a chance in her own world.

What happens very quickly in your mind,

because you don't like yourself, you can immediately feel that other people don't like you.

And then that just becomes a truth in your mind.

It's as if you've never really had an experience of just feeling good about you are.

As a person.

No.

I suppose that feeling was reinforced with the break-up of the first marriage.

Whenever he left, I thought, "Oh, that definitely confirms it".

"I mustn't have been a nice person, he hasn't stuck around."

I suppose there has been no real closure there either

because I don't know what went wrong.

Just to be told one day, "I don't love you no more, and that's it".

If things do go wrong in life,

the you that accuses yourself of being a failure sees that almost as a feast.

So the whole failure thing is like a snowball that just gathers itself up, you know?

And the successful you, and the good you, gets squashed.

Yes. That's all the right words.

The five adults know they're going to have to make serious changes when it comes to exercise

as part of their new regime.

Perfect, Isobel. Stay with that, nice and low.

Quick flick and drive it up.

John's got a good fun role this week because he's getting to work out the families.

Breathe in as you come back down.

Perfect, just keep the heels grounded.

It means basically making exercise fun

and in the long-term trying to get them motivated to build exercise into their life.

Because that's not only going to make the weight loss easier,

it also brings great mental health benefits if people start to exercise regularly.

You're pushing now, working really hard.

Johnny, you're making that look easy.

If I had a heavy one I'd give it to you!

It's important to build confidence in individuals to see what they achieve.

I know that more than anything as a personal trainer.

Individuals don't necessarily know their true potential.

It's trying to set them challenges and motivate them

to get through barriers that they put up.

Because a lot of the time they're psychological barriers.

Keep a nice, steady pace.

Absolutely perfect pace, Isobel.

Goals are very important in general.

People get lost if they turn up for the sake of turning up.

It's all well and good training three times a week,

but without a specific target, it's very hard to get anywhere.

We're getting good. We're going to add 15 seconds to this one, OK?

15 seconds more to go.

-You're cruel, John!

-I am cruel. I get worse!

Take a breath, get the oxygen in.

I've got a little surprise to tell you about.

You'll love this.

I want to set a challenge for you.

On Friday, I want you to run a mile with me.

And the incentive is, there's a huge bar of chocolate in his back pocket.

If I had to do that and put a bar of choc in my back pocket, I will.

If that's the motivation you need, we'll do it.

'I think a mile's a significant enough distance

'for them to understand, wait a second, I can do this.'

Squeeze, drag.

'I maybe couldn't walk to the end of the street and now I'm running,'

jogging, crawling a mile to get through that.

That's something they can then take away

and build on and enhance throughout the coming weeks hopefully.

Amanda's nutritional philosophy doesn't include banning foods.

It's all about moderation.

The session making tasty sugar-free chocolate gives her a chance

to discuss this with the children.

'We all know just how much peril

'these families are putting themselves in.

'We know this is, or could well be, a life or death situation

'for these families, but we've got to make it fun.'

You can't just tell them what to do and expect them to do it.

They have to be engaged with it, get it from inside them,

especially when you're dealing with kids.

There's no point standing up there like a strict teacher

and expecting them to toe the line.

-So how many sweeties would you get in a day?

-One or two.

One or two? What's that? One or two individual ones

or one or two bars of chocolate or one or two...?

Probably bars of chocolate.

So how many times a week do you think you should be allowed to eat sweets?

Every day!

But if you were trying to be healthy and lose a bit of weight?

Once a week.

So would you rather have it for one day and at the weekend and make it really special?

Yep. Something to look forward to.

'I think we have adopted, as a society, somehow the fact

'that we use food as praise, it's how we give love.'

But when there's no boundaries left

and when there's none of that parenting where it requires you

as a parent to maybe feel, I don't feel good about saying no,

and they're crying, and they're upset, but still you have to do it.

I think we're having to bring that back into these families

because that's been lost.

Creating these new boundaries and saying no to sweets

and takeaways isn't going to be easy.

The important thing for Amanda is to give them a realistic alternative.

By cooking today's thinner dinner for the rest of the group,

Cara, Johnny and the kids will have a healthy recipe to take home with them.

So what we're going to do, just like before,

is a twist on a family favourite.

Tonight being pizza. Yay!

At home, the family don't spend much time in each other's company.

Cara and Johnny's busy working patterns include regular evening shifts.

That means they rarely eat together as a family, let alone cook together.

The convenient thing is that the children go to Cara's mother's

in the evening and have their meal there

and then we sort of do our own thing.

But we'd do a lot of calling in to hers,

having tea and having tea out.

'We need to start a new routine, sit down together for breakfast,

'start cooking a tea, even if it's a snack for the children,'

altogether, so that it's registering that we've had it.

We've got two sachets of yeast...

Hidden fats, sugars and additives in foods are a real hazard.

Home-made dough, flour, yeast, olive oil, water and a little salt

avoids the problem.

Could you take the flour shaker

and shake quite a lot of flour onto your worktop and then...

-Is that enough?

-Perfect.

Amanda doesn't believe that the families need to give up pizza altogether.

In fact, because all the children love pizza,

it's an easy way to introduce more vegetables into their diets

by having a variety of delicious, fresh toppings to choose from.

The fat content can be controlled by going easy on the cheese

and it's simply fun to make your own.

Ten minutes in the oven will do the job.

Chef Sue's tomato sauce has nothing but good ingredients too.

Tomatoes, garlic, olive oil and fresh basil.

Raw veggies with a yoghurt and cucumber dip

are perfect to keep appetites under control until the pizzas are served.

Oh my goodness! Wow!

The meal is met with wholehearted approval.

Very, very tasty.

Do you think that, Ryan, if you make things yourself,

you might eat them more?

-Um, maybe.

-Yeah?

Once a week now, pizza night.

Having worked with the children as a group, Rachel has arranged

follow-up sessions where she also meets their parents.

Today, she's seeing single mum Rosie and her daughter Ellen.

What a fantastic daughter you've got, really.

I guess you already know that.

She's so thoughtful, so insightful and articulate.

Do you know that about yourself that those are real strengths of yours?

No.

Mum, you seem quite emotional?

It's just lovely to hear somebody say those things about her.

You know, those are the sides of her that I see.

I think she is a very mature girl for her age,

I think she's got very good coping skills.

And yes, she is quiet, and she has always been very quiet...

'I think with most families, there's an obvious'

power dynamic which is that parents are in charge

and that children kind of do as they are told.

'So often within family sessions I might try to mix that up a bit,

'just by asking particular questions,

'and I think by doing that,'

family sessions then can bring up all sorts of issues

that parents can just be unaware of.

Can I just ask a little bit about Dad?

I don't know if he's somebody that you would want to say a lot about,

but can I ask about... Do you still see Dad?

Not really, actually.

Not very much these past few years, no.

-Really?

-Maybe once a year.

And is that something that you're OK with?

Yeah, I don't really mind it, I suppose.

I guess, Ellen, I can kind of see it's really...

an emotional thing for you.

Sometimes, um...

I feel as if I sort of need him.

-But he's not there.

-Um...

And is Dad the sort of person who you'd have an opportunity

to say something like that to?

Because Ellen's dad hasn't been there from the very beginning.

And really they've only ever seen him

at Christmas for a very brief time or whatever.

There's not a relationship there.

But did it surprise you a little bit getting emotional about it?

Yeah.

I never really thought I would. I never have before.

No?

I don't think I've ever really thought about it before.

As the day draws to a close and night falls,

the adults make their way into the forest,

where Amanda has asked them to meet her.

This is probably the most important thing we've done so far.

It's called a truth circle,

and this is based on a Native American ritual

where you gather round,

the person holding the stick gets to air their truth without fear of

any judgement or recrimination.

They're allowed to say what they want, what they feel.

This truth circle's really the point at which we want to open up.

Who wants to begin?

You'll get the feeling, I think, for what feels right.

One thing that I feel right now

is being with two couples,

and seeing the support that you guys give each other,

or not, as the case may be.

I feel maybe a wee bit isolated.

Also, some issues have come up around our family

and Ellen's relationship with her father,

or lack of relationship,

so I guess we need to have a conversation

and tell her how it is, how it was.

And that has been very eye opening for me today.

Unlike Cara...

THEY LAUGH

I never wanted, really, to be here.

It is an issue within our house about food and how food's used.

And I can use it as a stick and as a carrot.

And, talking the other day in my one-to-one session,

I really seen that, that I can use it, you know, for a treat,

or I can use it to take away.

And that's a very controlling thing.

I am happy with the person that I am.

I know I make jokes when I shouldn't or last things off,

but that's who I am. I try to be upbeat.

And sometimes people lose the weight and they actually lose themselves.

You know, the food's getting nicer, which amazes me.

THEY LAUGH

Maybe Amanda's starting to let us have a bit more, I don't know.

The hunger pangs are going. I'm really looking forward

to the next few days.

It just keeps getting better, like. I'm amazed.

Just talking through the fact that I have never been, um,

a slim person, and perhaps I'm using food as a comfort,

as a defence.

As a human trait, I'd like, or I want to be liked

and I can't be myself.

I have to put the mask on.

Wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted,

not being who I think I am or who I want to be.

Having this idea that I was a better, nicer person when I was younger and slimmer,

and I don't know whether losing the weight

and becoming slim again is going to make me that person again,

because am I not already that person?

-What do you think? Are you already that person?

-No.

And that's another thing we're going to be talking to Raman about,

if he ever speaks.

THEY LAUGH

I'm used to working with adults, not so much with children.

And they are the best teachers.

And they actually were telling me, in a roundabout way,

and I believe it's happened in other sessions as well,

for what they're looking for from all of you as parents.

And they're looking for boundaries.

It's not easy.

When you hear your kid crying and they're going to their room, it feels horrible.

You're thinking, "Am I being a bad parent because I'm saying no?

"I'm not giving them what they are asking for."

There's no such thing as an expert, really.

You know, we learn...

I've learned a lot over the years but you are your own experts.

You're the one that's going to have to make the decisions when you go home.

My only concern, my only real concern, is about boundaries.

It's been a long day

and the group has made real progress.

It's been a genuine turning point as they begin to understand

better that this experience isn't just about food,

it's about nurturing and feeding their minds, bodies and souls.

Really like stepping out of everyday life just into

something completely different, something where you have time

to concentrate on yourself.

I have allowed life to live me for such a long time,

and I haven't really lived life.

It's more than just nutrition, it's more than just exercise.

There is a sense of looking deeper into where maybe

psychological issues are.

Whenever my mum said no, I do remember feeling unloved.

And I don't want Rachel to feel that way,

I don't want her sitting in her room crying and thinking,

"My mummy doesn't love me."

Next time, there are a few surprises in store.

I got a bit of a surprise.

Maybe I'll take it out of the box marked 'new-age mumbo-jumbo'

and pay a bit more attention to it.

But it doesn't stop there - things are getting intimate.

-Are you ready for me to insert?

-Oh...

Great work...

-And emotional.

-And some people even...

you would hear them saying something

and I'd feel like saying,

"You know, I know I'm fat but I'm not deaf."

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