Episode 6 Fix My Family

What happens to our cute kids?

One minute, they're sweet and adorable

and before you know it, they've morphed into moody teenagers...

-It's useless.

-..struggling with the challenges of adolescence...

THEY SHOUT AT EACH OTHER

..leaving their parents wondering exactly where did they go wrong.

CIARA SHOUTS

No, this situation is bad enough.

You just said you weren't talking to me.

You know exactly what you're doing, Chloe.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

These three families are suffering serious teen trouble.

Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat

away from their usual routines and home comforts in a bid to turn their lives around.

The location? Newcastle, County Down, where an expert team awaits.

They will push them to their limits...

-We're supposed to be doing this together.

-I don't care.

..in an attempt to rebuild their confidence and their relationships.

But can they step up to the challenge and grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

THEY BELLOW

During this intense week, these three families are taking part

in a series of psychotherapy sessions and outdoor challenges...

SHE SHRIEKS

..all designed to bring them closer again as families.

LAUGHING AND SHRIEKING

But the path to a harmonious home life

has taken some twists and turns,

as old habits have been hard to break.

I'll go out my mind. Go away and leave me alone!

Naomi, what is the big deal?

-What's wrong with you?

-Shut up.

-Why?

-Because I told you to.

Home truths have been difficult to swallow.

I didn't realise how fake she thought I can be.

-You're scared?

-I'm scared when he wrote it to you.

Naomi is everything I don't like in a person.

And grudges are not easy to let go of.

She wants me to talk to her and I just don't want to.

I don't want a relationship with Naomi. I never have.

And Beano? Or is that not something you're too bothered about?

Chloe's volatile behaviour is often put down to her difficult relationship with stepdad Beano

and the added pressure of having mum Cathy and Beano's

two youngest children, Orlaith and Reece, in the mix.

But with Chloe and Beano making an effort to spend some time together

and Chloe learning to keep calm and carry on,

Beano is hopeful for the future.

THEY CHEER

I've being able to speak to her and I'm doing things along with her.

I'm making progress myself, I can feel.

For mum Siobhan and daughter Ciara,

it was the lack of communication and loss of trust

which Siobhan was desperate to improve this week.

And realising that Ciara isn't the only one to blame was a real revelation for Siobhan.

I actually realise now that Ciara isn't the whole problem.

I'm part of the problem as well.

With Ciara's cold front starting to thaw,

Siobhan's doing all she can to keep them on track.

Warring sisters Rachel and Naomi

are the reason mum Andrea and son Josh signed up for this week.

SCREAMING AND CRYING

Despite the suggestion of a desire to change...

I just want everyone to get along.

..it's clear that with the week drawing to a close,

there's been a distinct lack of progress between Andrea's daughters Naomi and Rachel.

The deep-seated rivalry between the sisters

has been the most difficult family dynamic to tackle this week.

Most of the times I think about when I'm angry or irritated, Naomi pops into my head.

-If we walk faster, we'll get there quicker.

-No, you're all right.

-Lose a few pounds!

-I have!

-Drop a stone.

But it was the very public outburst in Raman's family group session which brought things to a head.

I haven't felt stressed out this week that much.

Naomi is everything I don't like in a person, all in one,

so I can't stick her altogether.

Did you have to say that? Really?

And it's this that clinical psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew

wants to tackle in her last session with the teens.

I wondered if you had any thoughts about it today, now you've had a chance to think back on it.

I mean, any of you, because you all were there, you all saw what happened.

I was just a wee bit shocked with it.

Our session before it, everyone was laughing. It was like, "Wow."

-It really hurt.

-I didn't think one word would make her cry so much.

Rachel, it wasn't the "really" part,

it was the, "I don't like your personality and I hate you", part.

There's nothing I can do now. I can't take back what I said.

-You haven't even said sorry.

-I only say sorry if I mean it.

So you wouldn't mean it now if you were to say sorry to Naomi for...

I could say sorry for the way I said it but what I said, I mean.

-I just think you're jealous, that's all.

-OK.

I've heard that a million times.

There's been past times when you've been really jealous, so I just think you're jealous.

I guess changes come from wanting things to be different

and then actually doing something differently.

And to me, this argument, this relationship,

it's just the same old thing again and again.

Ultimately, it would be down to you if the two of you would want to do things differently.

For now, the sisters have come to a dead end

and with Dr Rachel putting the ball firmly in their court,

it's clear that it will take longer than a week

to resolve the issues at play in this very difficult relationship.

By contrast, over in clinical psychologist Dr Raman Kapur's session,

the parents are keen to discuss the progress they've all made,

despite feeling slightly fearful about going home.

I never slept last night because I don't know

when I go through my front door what's going to happen, and it's scary.

Myself and Beano sat Chloe down this morning

and we told her how proud we were of her for what she's done through the week.

I know she took it in because she had a smile on her face.

I feel like I have a better understanding of Rachel.

I think it's fear of failure or not meeting the same standard as your sister

and her issues stem from jealousy,

though she would never say so.

But it's reading between the lines, I think, has really helped me.

I think we've made great progress this week.

I think she's much more comfortable in my company

than what she was at the start of the week, and I think everybody can see that.

I think you've all probably worked out by now that my main work

is to help you think about things

and think about things in a way that you can understand your kids and yourself.

I think with adolescents, you can't go far wrong in terms of

if they're upset, it's to do with rivalry and exclusion.

But that's the key thing that I would leave you with.

Follow your intuition.

The progress this week between Siobhan and Ciara is notable.

For some time now, the core issues between them

have been communication and trust,

which has made having to work together here extremely difficult.

-One, two, three.

-No! No, you're rubbish. That's enough.

-Ciara, I need your help to do it.

-I don't care.

But building on the progress they have made this week, and away from the other families,

Siobhan and Ciara's final challenge together

is wall climbing, which relies entirely on communication and trust.

-You're going first.

-You won't let me fall.

-No.

SHE CHUCKLES

That's you attached.

-You put your foot to the side, I take it?

-Yes.

Despite Siobhan's initial fears,

Ciara's given her mum the support she needs here.

-Where does this foot go now?

-That orange one.

-Yes, that orange one.

-The other one above it.

-Don't stare too long.

-I know.

-Put your left foot on that orange one.

This one?

-No, there's one on the inside that's bigger.

-This one?

-Yes.

And after having reached the top, there's only one way down,

and it's up to Ciara to bring Mum down gently.

CHEERING

Thank you!

Siobhan and Ciara haven't had quality one-on-one time in years.

The improvement this week is something which they both acknowledge.

I think I have got to know Mummy better,

because I don't really have any choice

but spending time with her, so I guess that's good!

-Have you had a good week?

-Yes.

I can definitely tell that there's changes

and there's not as much tension.

-What was the best part?

-We got to meet new people.

'I think I've changed a lot this week.'

My reaction to everything before would just be to shout or give off.

-Discussion and compromise is much better, isn't it, Ciara?

-Yes.

So I've changed a lot this week, I think.

However, the change which Andrea and Josh had hoped for

between sisters Naomi and Rachel is proving more elusive.

Dr Rachel has an idea which should help them see things through each other's eyes.

So...the purpose of these...

It's all about seeing things from other people's points of view.

I picked out these pairs of glasses for you to represent you and the way you see the world.

Naomi, because you wear your heart on your sleeve,

I picked these ones for you. They're yours.

Let me look.

LAUGHTER

Josh, I picked these ones for you.

Sometimes, I think you kind of hide behind a pair of dark shades

and maybe don't show yourself to the rest of the family.

I've picked these ones for you, Rachel,

because I think you might be a little bit of a performer.

-Then I wasn't sure for you, Andrea, so I thought I would let you choose.

-OK.

OK. So they're your glasses. Why have you chosen those?

Because they're bright and sunny.

-That would represent your outlook on the world?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

And through your glasses, how do you see Joshua?

How does he look through your glasses?

He's always been the complete person from he was born.

-It's like he's been here before!

-Yes.

And through your glasses, Joshua, what would you have to say about Mum?

She'd do anything for her family

and we've seen that and we'll continue to see that.

-And Rachel, through your glasses, how do you see Naomi?

-Very fragile.

You can't criticise her much

or, like, take things the wrong way, because she's so, like, soft.

Naomi, how would you describe Rachel? How does she look?

To me, Rachel is very creative and artistic,

but she's also really stubborn.

Change glasses.

Having established how they see each other, now everyone swaps glasses

and is given a chance to see themselves how others see them.

-Start with you, Naomi.

-Rachel.

-What issues do you think she might have with you?

-Being annoying on purpose.

Because I have been known to be an aggravator.

SHE CHUCKLES

(Just a bit.)

OK. And Rachel, for you, you've got Naomi's glasses on.

-How does she see you?

-I think she thinks I'm hardhearted.

I continue on with life and don't think about things and...

..don't care about things or people.

I'd like you all to go back to just wearing your own.

How has it felt wearing other people's glasses?

If I could put these glasses on every time I was dealing with an argument,

and Rachel put on her glasses,

I'd be able to see more how she's feeling.

Do you think if you were to take these away, you would use them as a family?

We should all do that!

You know, until you can do it automatically.

It might help, actually.

Changing the way we deal with one another

when things become heated is easier said than done.

Doing something symbolic together as a family

can sometimes help attach an intention with a powerful memory.

For Cathy, Chloe and Beano, the stress at home always resulted in them all roaring at each other.

Cathy and Beano have decided the only thing for it

is to go to the top of the mountain and let it all out once and for all.

BEANO: This week has been very challenging.

I'm not flying off the handle, I'm listening and understanding,

and that's the way I'm going to continue on.

Ready, Chloe? One, two, three.

THEY BELLOW

'I think this week for me has been really emotional.

'The emotions are good emotions. I'm in a happy place now.'

That was good. That felt brilliant. Come on.

'I've realised that being a parent'

is not being a friend. It's being someone that's in control.

HE YELLS

'We are a family and, you know, from today onwards, we go home'

and we make that work, for Chloe's, for all our sakes.

'And that's all through this week.'

THEY BELLOW

Since the start of the week, these families have come a long way.

Last night, Dr Rachel Andrew had asked that everyone write

a letter to their families by way of taking stock

of how they feel now, having been through such an intense week.

This last group session is a chance for them

to finally share their thoughts openly.

-Who'd like to go first?

-Me.

So, to my family.

I couldn't have got through my life and problems without my mum.

You have done everything to make me happy and encourage me.

Rachel, with your talent, you can achieve millions of things.

But firstly, you have to believe in yourself

and not let people or me bring you down.

And Joshua, you are important and you're also really smart,

so use your smartness to achieve big in your life.

I love you all.

SHE SNIFFS

Dear family, I've really enjoyed spending the last week with each one of you.

Naomi, you're so brave.

To see you standing at the top of that pole and jump

makes me so proud to be your mum.

Joshua, your humour and kindness has always been a rock within our family.

Rachel, you have opened up a part of your world to me this week

and I want to thank you for trusting me.

Lots of love always, your mum.

To my family, I just want to say thank you

because outdoor activities are fun and even though I have problems,

I can still try my best, so that's what I have to say.

To Ciara, you have always been a ray of sunshine in my life.

You have always had the ability to change my mood in an instant,

from being cross with you to making me laugh.

More recently, my beautiful ray of sunshine

has been hiding behind a cloud.

But this week, the clouds have started to lift

and the light is starting to shine again

and it makes me so happy to see you smiling and having fun.

I love you today and always. Mummy.

To my family, thank you for all you have done for me over the years.

Obviously, I think we have all realised

that I find it difficult to say or show that all of the time.

No matter what happens, we will always still be there for each other because we're family.

Love yous.

Can I get Mum to read mine out?

-Would you rather your mum read yours?

-Yes.

-OK.

Dear family, I just wanted to write this letter to say

that I am so happy to be a part of this wonderful family.

I know that I don't show my feelings a lot, but I do care.

Naomi...

I know I can seem hardhearted and mean, but I don't mean what I say.

Most of the time, I love you, Naomi.

Joshua, I couldn't live without you and I love you so much.

Love all you guys.

Rachel has struggled this week to show the softer side of her personality.

But finally, her letter has everything in it

which her family had so longed to hear.

Teens find it hard to open up at the best of times,

but as we have seen here this week,

creating an environment in which everyone feels secure helps bring those barriers down.

To capture the positive changes they have all made, a final photo shoot,

while the experts have a chance to catch up and reflect on the week.

We're at the end of the week. Do you think we have succeeded?

The parents have certainly

deepened their capacity to think about their kids.

They're much more able to understand where their teenagers are coming from,

but also understand their own reactions to things.

One of the most moving stories this week has certainly been between Cathy, Beano and Chloe.

Cathy has really committed herself. She has opened her heart and soul to this work,

to all of us, and I take my hat off to her.

I was a wee bit worried that Beano came along just as part of the story.

We had a couple of difficult sessions

but I really do feel he's taken seriously that

this is a big emotional impact on this wee girl if things go wrong.

I think it came good at the end.

The Ciara-Siobhan relationship felt like the toughest nut to crack. It has cracked?

Very much so. I think Ciara's really opened up.

She just seemed so closed down at the beginning of the week,

unwilling to show anybody that softer side.

-Today, I've seen her laughing and smiling and having fun.

-Crying?

Also crying and being emotional,

especially at her mum's letter to her.

And that just wouldn't happen if she didn't care.

What's enabled her to really show that side of herself

is Siobhan just backing off a little bit,

giving her some personal space for herself.

This Naomi-Rachel epic,

where do you think they've got to, in terms of resolution or acceptance?

I think them having that argument within the group has helped move things further on.

I think Rachel had a long look at herself, really, between yesterday and today.

Rachel's letter, it included Naomi. It was very moving.

One of the maybe more light-hearted changes this week is Josh

moving from less of the man of the family to being one of the teens.

Yes, I think he's got a nice balance now.

We can safely say

that we have moved forward in many ways.

How much do you think we can expect of teenagers, in terms of

this being a permanent fixture, if you like?

There will be ups and downs, but if they can hold on to the hopes

that things have changed and they will change again...

# Back to life

# Back to reality... #

A few weeks later, we caught up with the families,

and already, it's clear there are big improvements.

CATHY: When we got home, things have changed greatly.

We're more understanding as a family.

When there is situations, we know how to deal with them now.

I mean, I never thought... I never thought we could have, sort of like, normal.

I think me and my mum is getting a wee bit better,

because we're talking, we're sitting. We're not shouting.

We're just, like, dunno... Just happy.

And Beano is noticing a big difference in his relationship with Chloe, too.

If I'm sitting here, maybe watching something,

Chloe will come and sit and watch it with me.

We talk, too, you know what I mean? I'm able to talk to her, like... as father and daughter.

I get on well with Beano. He's trying to be good but I'm trying to be nice to him.

I just want to get on better with him

and we can get on better even though he's not my daddy, like.

Chloe and Beano, that's a miracle story.

That was my main goal when I went away, just to get them bonding.

And they have.

All the advice that I was given, I've taken it on. I am using it.

There's times you just sit back and you say, "Are you in the right family, like?"

In the Crilly household, a renewed sense of understanding between them

has meant that the harmony at home they were striving for is becoming more of a reality.

I found the week away pretty intense but really enjoyable.

There was a lot of ups and quite a few downs.

But overall, it was like the start of a journey.

-JOSH:

-We were always a very close family,

a close family that know how to push each other's buttons, so that always leads to lots of fights.

Now, people are a lot more sensitive towards each other,

so the atmosphere seems to be more understanding than before.

Some of the sessions still have a strong resonance for Rachel.

The glasses session was probably the most effective on everyone.

It was just a way of me seeing Naomi in a light I have not seen before.

That group session we had with Raman, I kind of regret it now.

I didn't mean half the things I said.

Some of it is just a habit of being mean to Naomi.

Not that I don't... I don't want to be mean to Naomi.

It was, like, I'm just so used to not liking her that it all came out.

Mine and Rachel's relationship, I think it's got better.

We talk more and we have laughs more.

Even normal conversation.

It's not always kicking off and shouting and screaming.

It was also a Raman session which helped Andrea

uncover the mystery of why Rachel and Naomi struggled to get on.

That was a breakthrough for me when Dr Kapur said about same-sex rivalry and that it was very common.

It immediately clicked in my head.

'They were simply jealous of each other.'

You think, "You're a parent, you should know what to do."

It should be written into your DNA but it's not.

You have to learn to be a parent and...

..that's the journey.

And for Siobhan and Ciara, the renewed communication between them

is helping them rebuild the trust which had been long lost.

The communication between Ciara and I is definitely much improved on what it was.

She just never would engage in conversation before.

Raman said to me, "If you back off and give her a bit more space, she'll then come to you."

That has actually worked, you know.

Mum actually has been calmer,

though sometimes I find that hard to believe. But it's true.

She actually is calmer, even if she still goes a wee bit psychotic every now and again. But sure.

Even my friends have said they've just noticed that we get on better

and we don't shout as much at each other

and I'm not as cheeky and I'm happier.

One of the best things about it was that you had the two other families.

Even though it might have been different circumstances,

they were in almost the exact same place as you were in.

As they got happier, you got happier.

You all just had an effect on each other.

Also, Ciara gained a lot from the sessions she took part in.

The sessions with Rachel were actually really good.

If it was something that was going to be said,

she would help you say it how you actually felt, so you weren't misunderstood.

Although not all the activities went down as well.

I didn't like the orienteering, because I had to walk about

in a forest doing a pointless task in the rain,

in horrible, shocking colours of waterproofs,

tracking around like an eejit.

But despite all of this, the positives far outweigh the negatives for Ciara.

I would definitely do it again. It was just so amazing.

Oh, wow.

Having stepped up to the challenge and grasped this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,

these three families are well on their way to fixing their troubled teens.

I'm so glad that I took a chance to do this.

Because the benefits will go on and on and on for me, you know, and for my kids.

If you listen hard enough and you take the time,

you know, it works and it's working to our advantage,

because our family now, it's not perfect-perfect, but it's a far happier family.

I think the week away was amazing.

Like, it was actually life-changing, no joke, no over-exaggeration or anything.

It really does just change you for the better.

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